How can I be a less supportive friend
October 8, 2022 7:31 AM Subscribe
People I know seem to try and influence me in ways I'm not comfortable with
I seem to give off signals that I'm a good listening ear for people who have a specific axe to grind and are looking for support. I also seem to give out signals to people I don't know too well that we are really close friends all of a sudden, when in my mind I haven't really decided I want to be that close with you. Like one thing I know is that certain kind of harmless gossip, or tea, can be shared and can build a sense of closeness between people, so maybe I've fallen into that trap of sharing a piece of information (ie: my opinion on how an event went, or improvements that could be made)
This has happened to me recently twice with people who I have fallen into friendships with in the past couple years.
Example 1: A friend who is a manager in a health clinic and is a client of the marketing /comms teams, she knows I am a comms professional so she always complains to me that the comms team disappoints her in X,Y,Z, ways and that she could do their job better than they could , basically I get the vibe that she doesn't respect that team. From my perspective as a comms professional she sounds like a nightmare client who expects 24 oncall support from a marcom team that's just supposed to be responsible for producing signage and digital content. That being said, she vents to me about this as if I'm supposed to agree with her. I can feel by her behaviour that she feels like she needs my emotional support on this issue. My boyfriend keeps telling my that this friend adores me and loves spending time with me. I find whenever I spend time with her the only thing we have to talk about is gossip about our mutual friends, and she is also really nosy about my personal life
Example 2: A friend with whom I work on a board at a non profit organization. I met her when I joined the organization so I thought of her as more of an acquaintance, but she seemed to cling to me right away. Over the years I have discovered there was some drama within this close knit organization in the past and some members don't like her or the direction she has taken the organization, and there was also some dating drama and hurt feelings and whatever when she broke up with another member of the organization many years ago. She still seems to barrel forward with her vision of what it should be and kind of seems a bit unhinged if I,m being honesty. Anyways, over the past few months she writes to me whenever she needs to vent, rant, or complain and it seems like she is really unhappy in the role. Meanwhile I just joined to provide advice to the board on how to run this organization. I try to ignore her messages but we see each other each week and the messages are interspersed with work related stuff and so it's pretty awkward tbh.
I think over the course of covid there was a lot of awareness that everyone is struggling and that we shoudl all be more empathetic towards one another. Well I took that to heart a bit too much and now I'm stuck being the person people turn to as their personal emotional dump, and it's been exhausting and stressing me out to the point that I'm starting to feel vindictive towards both of these people.
Aside from the obvious advice like stop doing this, dump these people, or ignore them, are there any reasonable ways to shift the dynamic that don't involve any nuclear options? I can't really dump the first friend at the moment because she's a mutual friend of me and my boyfriend.
For the first example, I'm thinking of discussing this with our board leader , who I really like and trust.
For the second example, I'm looking for ways to deal with people who martyr themselves for their work and judge and shame others for not doing the same. That's what it feels like she's doing from my perspective, but I obviously wouldn't put it in those words
I seem to give off signals that I'm a good listening ear for people who have a specific axe to grind and are looking for support. I also seem to give out signals to people I don't know too well that we are really close friends all of a sudden, when in my mind I haven't really decided I want to be that close with you. Like one thing I know is that certain kind of harmless gossip, or tea, can be shared and can build a sense of closeness between people, so maybe I've fallen into that trap of sharing a piece of information (ie: my opinion on how an event went, or improvements that could be made)
This has happened to me recently twice with people who I have fallen into friendships with in the past couple years.
Example 1: A friend who is a manager in a health clinic and is a client of the marketing /comms teams, she knows I am a comms professional so she always complains to me that the comms team disappoints her in X,Y,Z, ways and that she could do their job better than they could , basically I get the vibe that she doesn't respect that team. From my perspective as a comms professional she sounds like a nightmare client who expects 24 oncall support from a marcom team that's just supposed to be responsible for producing signage and digital content. That being said, she vents to me about this as if I'm supposed to agree with her. I can feel by her behaviour that she feels like she needs my emotional support on this issue. My boyfriend keeps telling my that this friend adores me and loves spending time with me. I find whenever I spend time with her the only thing we have to talk about is gossip about our mutual friends, and she is also really nosy about my personal life
Example 2: A friend with whom I work on a board at a non profit organization. I met her when I joined the organization so I thought of her as more of an acquaintance, but she seemed to cling to me right away. Over the years I have discovered there was some drama within this close knit organization in the past and some members don't like her or the direction she has taken the organization, and there was also some dating drama and hurt feelings and whatever when she broke up with another member of the organization many years ago. She still seems to barrel forward with her vision of what it should be and kind of seems a bit unhinged if I,m being honesty. Anyways, over the past few months she writes to me whenever she needs to vent, rant, or complain and it seems like she is really unhappy in the role. Meanwhile I just joined to provide advice to the board on how to run this organization. I try to ignore her messages but we see each other each week and the messages are interspersed with work related stuff and so it's pretty awkward tbh.
I think over the course of covid there was a lot of awareness that everyone is struggling and that we shoudl all be more empathetic towards one another. Well I took that to heart a bit too much and now I'm stuck being the person people turn to as their personal emotional dump, and it's been exhausting and stressing me out to the point that I'm starting to feel vindictive towards both of these people.
Aside from the obvious advice like stop doing this, dump these people, or ignore them, are there any reasonable ways to shift the dynamic that don't involve any nuclear options? I can't really dump the first friend at the moment because she's a mutual friend of me and my boyfriend.
For the first example, I'm thinking of discussing this with our board leader , who I really like and trust.
For the second example, I'm looking for ways to deal with people who martyr themselves for their work and judge and shame others for not doing the same. That's what it feels like she's doing from my perspective, but I obviously wouldn't put it in those words
Best answer: Yeah, with the first friend, definitely push back, using your professional expertise.
I think, generalizing from these two examples, you might need to remind yourself that being a good friend, or just a kind acquaintance, doesn’t mean you can’t have your own opinions or boundaries.
posted by lunasol at 7:42 AM on October 8, 2022 [8 favorites]
I think, generalizing from these two examples, you might need to remind yourself that being a good friend, or just a kind acquaintance, doesn’t mean you can’t have your own opinions or boundaries.
posted by lunasol at 7:42 AM on October 8, 2022 [8 favorites]
Love the wording of the question, and just for emotional support, I'd recommend listening to a favorite song, "Leave it Alone" by Mary's Danish.
(Don't care what you say
Don't care what you do
Don't care what you love")
posted by Jon44 at 7:45 AM on October 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
(Don't care what you say
Don't care what you do
Don't care what you love")
posted by Jon44 at 7:45 AM on October 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
Best answer: You're giving these people something they want. Maybe think about what that is, exactly. Making sympathetic noises when they say stuff? Saying you agree, or see their point or view, or whatever? You must feel obliged to engage with them in a certain way. Maybe try leaving your face blank and daydreaming or whatever when you're being told things you find frustrating and draining. This is less intimidating than actually saying what you think, and doesn't take up your emotional energy, or at least not as much of it.
If you feel emotionally drained, it's because you're using your emotional energy some way or another in these interactions. You feel angry because you feel they're taking it from you without your agreement. There is more than one way to address this - the obvious being to not be there at all, but the less confrontational maybe being to detach yourself by whatever means despite still being in the interaction.
Another useful thing might be to cultivate awareness of the feeling of an interaction being emotionally draining so that you can identify it and stop it before you become drained. Maybe you can tolerate only 5 minutes of a conversation with someone some times, enough to exchange social niceties but make an excuse.
If you're like me, telling them what you really think or pushing back may be even more draining, but I still recommend trying, especially at the start of things with someone who you are not forced by circumstance to interact with.
posted by lookoutbelow at 7:57 AM on October 8, 2022 [5 favorites]
If you feel emotionally drained, it's because you're using your emotional energy some way or another in these interactions. You feel angry because you feel they're taking it from you without your agreement. There is more than one way to address this - the obvious being to not be there at all, but the less confrontational maybe being to detach yourself by whatever means despite still being in the interaction.
Another useful thing might be to cultivate awareness of the feeling of an interaction being emotionally draining so that you can identify it and stop it before you become drained. Maybe you can tolerate only 5 minutes of a conversation with someone some times, enough to exchange social niceties but make an excuse.
If you're like me, telling them what you really think or pushing back may be even more draining, but I still recommend trying, especially at the start of things with someone who you are not forced by circumstance to interact with.
posted by lookoutbelow at 7:57 AM on October 8, 2022 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Try thinking up some benign, boundary-enforcing, conversation-shifting phrases that indicate you’re not the right person to engage in whatever particular gossip or vent your friends are trying to pursue.
Stuff like: “oh man that sounds frustrating! Let’s chat about something lighter to give our brains a break from this heavy stuff. Have you watched the latest episode of [show]?”
Or “ugh what a lot to deal with! Sorry I don’t have time to chat in depth right now but I’m rooting for you and know you’ll work it out!”
Or, “oh yeah I completely get how that would bother you. It’s definitely not uncommon for clients and vendors to have challenges like this in the comms field. But enough about business, how’s your cat doing?”
You can follow a pattern of acknowledging their feelings, recognizing that you’re not the right person or it’s not the right time for you to engage on it, and then diverting them to something else.
posted by rodneyaug at 8:08 AM on October 8, 2022 [20 favorites]
Stuff like: “oh man that sounds frustrating! Let’s chat about something lighter to give our brains a break from this heavy stuff. Have you watched the latest episode of [show]?”
Or “ugh what a lot to deal with! Sorry I don’t have time to chat in depth right now but I’m rooting for you and know you’ll work it out!”
Or, “oh yeah I completely get how that would bother you. It’s definitely not uncommon for clients and vendors to have challenges like this in the comms field. But enough about business, how’s your cat doing?”
You can follow a pattern of acknowledging their feelings, recognizing that you’re not the right person or it’s not the right time for you to engage on it, and then diverting them to something else.
posted by rodneyaug at 8:08 AM on October 8, 2022 [20 favorites]
Best answer: A magic phrase that I have discovered in similar situations is "How you you plan to handle that?" It moves the conversation from venting to problem-solving, without giving unsolicited advice. If they actually want advice, they can ask at this point. If not, asking them that makes it way less fun to vent to you.
(I generally use this when the venting/conversation is work-related, not personal, but I have gotten pretty good at keeping people at arm's length on personal issues unless I actually want to engage with them at that level of intimacy. It works there too, but can read as a lot less friendly.)
posted by restless_nomad at 8:15 AM on October 8, 2022 [33 favorites]
(I generally use this when the venting/conversation is work-related, not personal, but I have gotten pretty good at keeping people at arm's length on personal issues unless I actually want to engage with them at that level of intimacy. It works there too, but can read as a lot less friendly.)
posted by restless_nomad at 8:15 AM on October 8, 2022 [33 favorites]
Best answer: You can disagree with people and still be polite. You can be kind, but not give people what they want from you, if those wants are unreasonable on their part. So yes, I agree that you should push back one the first person, and a kind way to put it would be "I can see how from your perspective that would be frustrating, but as a comms professional I know that...." If she asks to hang out with you one-on-one, tell her you're busy. If she asks you a nosy question "Sorry, but I find that question too personal." I would also stop gossiping with her - next time she starts to gossip, stop her and say "Hey, I know we used to gossip but I've decided this is a bad habit, and I've resolved to stop doing it. So let's change the subject."
Finally, while I get you can't "dump" her since she's your boyfriend's friend, you absolutely don't have to be her friend - and your boyfriend should support your decision to not be close to her. Few couples click equally with everyone.
With the second person, I'd keep doing what you're doing - just interact with her as it pertains to work, but don't engage more than that.
I think over the course of covid there was a lot of awareness that everyone is struggling and that we should all be more empathetic towards one another.
I agree! But being empathetic is different than enabling straight-up bad behavior. Not judging someone for being rusty with small talk, accepting someone's apology for being slow to respond to an email because they're dealing with burn out - all of that is needed right now. But your two examples are of people who don't sound like they are really trying to grow as people, and who you don't seem to like at all. Being emphatic doesn't mean you have to be everyone's friend, just be kind.
posted by coffeecat at 8:37 AM on October 8, 2022 [3 favorites]
Finally, while I get you can't "dump" her since she's your boyfriend's friend, you absolutely don't have to be her friend - and your boyfriend should support your decision to not be close to her. Few couples click equally with everyone.
With the second person, I'd keep doing what you're doing - just interact with her as it pertains to work, but don't engage more than that.
I think over the course of covid there was a lot of awareness that everyone is struggling and that we should all be more empathetic towards one another.
I agree! But being empathetic is different than enabling straight-up bad behavior. Not judging someone for being rusty with small talk, accepting someone's apology for being slow to respond to an email because they're dealing with burn out - all of that is needed right now. But your two examples are of people who don't sound like they are really trying to grow as people, and who you don't seem to like at all. Being emphatic doesn't mean you have to be everyone's friend, just be kind.
posted by coffeecat at 8:37 AM on October 8, 2022 [3 favorites]
Best answer: For the first person, I might say in the lightest tone possible, “Ooo! It sounds like there’s a lot of hurt feelings on both sides! I wonder what they say about you.” And then redirect to a question about their cat or their favorite show or what not.
For the second, I’d probably take a super serious tone: “I don’t think it’s good for your health to be this upset. You let me know if you want help with gracefully transitioning out of this role.”
Some people take that first attempt to support feelings as an indication that you are, actually, taking their *side*. For those people, once you’re sure of the pattern they’re stuck in, I find it best to omit the empathy for the specifics and jump right to the “you’ve put a lot of effort into this and it doesn’t seem to be improving - it may be time to end this job/relationship/etc.”
A lot of people manage staying in dysfunctional systems by a continual impotent venting, that I think is looking for validation of their victimhood in the situation. If that is actually what they are after, I’ve discovered that gently suggesting considering moving on stops them from bringing it up. They don’t really want to be happy, or effective, or whatnot :: they want to be seen as being right.
posted by Silvery Fish at 8:51 AM on October 8, 2022 [4 favorites]
For the second, I’d probably take a super serious tone: “I don’t think it’s good for your health to be this upset. You let me know if you want help with gracefully transitioning out of this role.”
Some people take that first attempt to support feelings as an indication that you are, actually, taking their *side*. For those people, once you’re sure of the pattern they’re stuck in, I find it best to omit the empathy for the specifics and jump right to the “you’ve put a lot of effort into this and it doesn’t seem to be improving - it may be time to end this job/relationship/etc.”
A lot of people manage staying in dysfunctional systems by a continual impotent venting, that I think is looking for validation of their victimhood in the situation. If that is actually what they are after, I’ve discovered that gently suggesting considering moving on stops them from bringing it up. They don’t really want to be happy, or effective, or whatnot :: they want to be seen as being right.
posted by Silvery Fish at 8:51 AM on October 8, 2022 [4 favorites]
Example 1: A friend who is a [...]
Example 2: A friend with whom [...]
For starters I would examine what part of yourself says that these are friends. Your description of the time you spend with them sounds much more like acquaintances to me, and draining ones at that.
Unless you're spending a lot of time sharing your life complaints with them there doesn't seem much reciprocal about the situations. That's not a recipe for a healthy friendship.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:25 AM on October 8, 2022 [10 favorites]
Example 2: A friend with whom [...]
For starters I would examine what part of yourself says that these are friends. Your description of the time you spend with them sounds much more like acquaintances to me, and draining ones at that.
Unless you're spending a lot of time sharing your life complaints with them there doesn't seem much reciprocal about the situations. That's not a recipe for a healthy friendship.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:25 AM on October 8, 2022 [10 favorites]
the only thing we have to talk about is gossip about our mutual friends, and she is also really nosy about my personal life
I can predict with 99% certainty that (a) the reason she is nosy about your personal life is that she is gossiping ABOUT you just as much as she is TO you, and (b) when/if you refuse to cooperate, and say something like "you know, I figure everyone has their own struggles and I try not to comment on other people's personal lives" she will drop you like the hottest of potatoes, which will solve your problem as far as she goes.
But on the other hand: while it's very true, as folks in this thread have been saying, that it's all about drawing boundaries, it's also true that as you get older, other people generally do get (or at least seem) more exhausting, and if you cut off everyone who sucks in some way, there aren't many left, and loneliness is unhealthy. So it may be worth trying to find another topic that you do have in common and redirect to that with these folks. Celebrity gossip? Some mutual acquaintance who really is the worst? Their (not your) dating life?
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:14 AM on October 8, 2022 [3 favorites]
I can predict with 99% certainty that (a) the reason she is nosy about your personal life is that she is gossiping ABOUT you just as much as she is TO you, and (b) when/if you refuse to cooperate, and say something like "you know, I figure everyone has their own struggles and I try not to comment on other people's personal lives" she will drop you like the hottest of potatoes, which will solve your problem as far as she goes.
But on the other hand: while it's very true, as folks in this thread have been saying, that it's all about drawing boundaries, it's also true that as you get older, other people generally do get (or at least seem) more exhausting, and if you cut off everyone who sucks in some way, there aren't many left, and loneliness is unhealthy. So it may be worth trying to find another topic that you do have in common and redirect to that with these folks. Celebrity gossip? Some mutual acquaintance who really is the worst? Their (not your) dating life?
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:14 AM on October 8, 2022 [3 favorites]
Best answer: the only thing we have to talk about is gossip about our mutual friends, and she is also really nosy about my personal life
I have an acquaintance like that, a former colleague. After several years of unsuccessfully trying to steer her conversations away from interogation style questions, trying to avoid being lured into gossip the solution i found is to not meet with her alone. I found out that a mutual friend, also a former colleague has the same problem with her, and now we only meet her together, and actually she likes meeting both of us together and my friend and i both are able to enjoy meeting her because the element of interogation style questions does not dominate.
posted by 15L06 at 2:06 PM on October 8, 2022 [4 favorites]
I have an acquaintance like that, a former colleague. After several years of unsuccessfully trying to steer her conversations away from interogation style questions, trying to avoid being lured into gossip the solution i found is to not meet with her alone. I found out that a mutual friend, also a former colleague has the same problem with her, and now we only meet her together, and actually she likes meeting both of us together and my friend and i both are able to enjoy meeting her because the element of interogation style questions does not dominate.
posted by 15L06 at 2:06 PM on October 8, 2022 [4 favorites]
If you're interested in looking at how to use boundaries to shift the dynamic, Nedra Tawwab's Set Boundaries, Find Peace is great. I never really understood where my boundaries were until they were crossed and I felt uncomfortable/ragey while not understanding why. This book starts from the beginning to explain what they are and why they're important. If I'd found it earlier, well, who knows what relationships I could have salvaged, but there's at least one friendship that I felt I had no choice but to neglect during Covid. I can see now it was because I didn't communicate that I could no longer listen or provide support on one particular subject that my friend was stuck on.
posted by happyfrog at 2:24 PM on October 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by happyfrog at 2:24 PM on October 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
> From my perspective .. she sounds like a nightmare client ... she vents to me about this as if I'm supposed to agree with her. ... My boyfriend keeps telling my that this friend adores me and loves spending time with me. I find whenever I spend time with her the only thing we have to talk about is gossip about our mutual friends, and she is also really nosy about my personal life
You don't like this person. You see that, right? You can't stand her. That's your starting point.
Now ask: Is this how you want to be treated by people whom you adore and love spending time with? Would it be okay with you that they secretly hate your fucking guts but nevertheless they keep pretending to be your friend while you pour your heart out to them?
You are being cruel to this person. That's the bottomline.
> I can't really dump the first friend at the moment because she's a mutual friend of me and my boyfriend
That is no excuse to continue being cruel to her. You have an obligation to be honest with her, even if you do it in nonverbal ways such as: suddenly becoming far too busy to see her or take her calls, never responding to her text messages, always being called away by some urgent phone call if you happen to run into her at a gathering, etc. Your goal is to not interact with her anymore.
You should also tell your boyfriend quite openly that you do not like her. Why are you even keeping this secret from him?
> kind of seems a bit unhinged if I,m being honesty. Anyways, over the past few months she writes to me whenever she needs to vent, rant, or complain and it seems like she is really unhappy in the role. ... I try to ignore her messages but we see each other each week ...it's pretty awkward tbh.
So this is turning into a repeat of "friend" #1. Why are you getting embroiled in such a situation yet again? It's a genuine question that you might want to ask yourself. Why do you keep making this choice to become a trusted confidante to people whom you dislike? Like, this doesn't happen by accident. On a purely practical level, most people are much too busy with their own lives to sit around seething in silence listening to the rants of people they deeply dislike. You keep making time for these women, though. That's an active choice.
Here are some practical ways to cut conversations short and get out of interactions you do not wish to be in (stolen from elsewhere on the internet). The core principle is NEVER DROP HINTS. Always be very clear and direct that you want the conversation to stop.
In professional situations:
posted by MiraK at 8:41 AM on October 9, 2022 [6 favorites]
You don't like this person. You see that, right? You can't stand her. That's your starting point.
Now ask: Is this how you want to be treated by people whom you adore and love spending time with? Would it be okay with you that they secretly hate your fucking guts but nevertheless they keep pretending to be your friend while you pour your heart out to them?
You are being cruel to this person. That's the bottomline.
> I can't really dump the first friend at the moment because she's a mutual friend of me and my boyfriend
That is no excuse to continue being cruel to her. You have an obligation to be honest with her, even if you do it in nonverbal ways such as: suddenly becoming far too busy to see her or take her calls, never responding to her text messages, always being called away by some urgent phone call if you happen to run into her at a gathering, etc. Your goal is to not interact with her anymore.
You should also tell your boyfriend quite openly that you do not like her. Why are you even keeping this secret from him?
> kind of seems a bit unhinged if I,m being honesty. Anyways, over the past few months she writes to me whenever she needs to vent, rant, or complain and it seems like she is really unhappy in the role. ... I try to ignore her messages but we see each other each week ...it's pretty awkward tbh.
So this is turning into a repeat of "friend" #1. Why are you getting embroiled in such a situation yet again? It's a genuine question that you might want to ask yourself. Why do you keep making this choice to become a trusted confidante to people whom you dislike? Like, this doesn't happen by accident. On a purely practical level, most people are much too busy with their own lives to sit around seething in silence listening to the rants of people they deeply dislike. You keep making time for these women, though. That's an active choice.
Here are some practical ways to cut conversations short and get out of interactions you do not wish to be in (stolen from elsewhere on the internet). The core principle is NEVER DROP HINTS. Always be very clear and direct that you want the conversation to stop.
In professional situations:
- "Will that be all?"
- "You're all set. Can I help who's next?"
- "Let me stop you for one second. You need to speak with tech support - here's the number. They can help you."
- "One moment, sorry, I just want to check I am understanding your issue correctly, you are having trouble with ___ ? And you already ____ ? Right, if you can wait over there for just a few minutes, I'll get this taken care of."
- "I see, okay, so the key is to _____. That's a good jumping off point for me, thank you!"
- "Hang on, I gotta send this email, let's catch up later."
- "Okay, sorry you're having a hard time, I gotta go, take care." (get up and move away without waiting for a response)
- "Mhm." (take out your book, start reading, do not respond or make eye contact anymore)
- "Excuse me. EXCUSE ME. Step aside, you're blocking me."
- "LEAVE ME ALONE!" (be loud, make a big fuss, this is an unsafe situation)
- "I'm so sorry you're going through that. I've been so swamped with work this whole time, I had no idea. Last week I had the big presentation, you know, the one with ....." (start your own monologue and talk about things you want)
- "Yo I wish I had the bandwidth to listen right now, but phew, I just can't. Hey so I got a Hulu subscription, I've been watching some really dumb shows to unwind..." (continue to change subject every time they start monologuing)
- "Ugh I have a splitting headache, I'm going to put my earbuds in and rest my eyes."
- "That's so hard," (turn to someone else and ask loudly) "So Chad how about you? How's your new job going?"
- (gather your things, stand up) "You take care now, make sure you get loads of rest."
- (slap your knees, stand up) "Nice catching up with you"
- (deep breath, stand up) "Say hello to Jack for me, will ya?"
- (check phone) "Oh my goodness, look at the time"
- "Don't let me keep you"
- "Get some rest, hope you feel better!"
- "I'm going to let you go, good night!"
- "Oh my goodness, look at the time"
- "Okay! I'd best get back to my work. Take care!"
- "It was nice catching up with you, thanks for calling"
posted by MiraK at 8:41 AM on October 9, 2022 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: You are being cruel to this person. That's the bottomline.
That is the type of thinking that got me in this mess. If I had neglected to respond to their first attempt at dumping their problems on me, you would have said I was cruel for not being empathetic to someone struggling. Now that I haven't issued the perfectly assertive magic words at the exact right moment, I'm cruel for feeling burned out by this situation that has spun out of control.
You should also tell your boyfriend quite openly that you do not like her. Why are you even keeping this secret from him?
I'm.... not? I've already talked to him about my issue, but the problem isn't that I don't "like" her, it's about asserting a boundary that isn't there yet. Hence why I asked for help in this question
would it be okay with you that they secretly hate your fucking guts but nevertheless they keep pretending to be your friend while you pour your heart out to them?
The whole reason this is hard is that I don't hate the person's guts - it would be far easier if I did. The concept of pouring one's heart out is a bit euphemistic tbh. It's more like being an emotional dumping ground. I don't feel like there's something morally righteous about taking out your problems on someone else just because they happened to be around.
posted by winterportage at 9:55 AM on October 18, 2022 [1 favorite]
That is the type of thinking that got me in this mess. If I had neglected to respond to their first attempt at dumping their problems on me, you would have said I was cruel for not being empathetic to someone struggling. Now that I haven't issued the perfectly assertive magic words at the exact right moment, I'm cruel for feeling burned out by this situation that has spun out of control.
You should also tell your boyfriend quite openly that you do not like her. Why are you even keeping this secret from him?
I'm.... not? I've already talked to him about my issue, but the problem isn't that I don't "like" her, it's about asserting a boundary that isn't there yet. Hence why I asked for help in this question
would it be okay with you that they secretly hate your fucking guts but nevertheless they keep pretending to be your friend while you pour your heart out to them?
The whole reason this is hard is that I don't hate the person's guts - it would be far easier if I did. The concept of pouring one's heart out is a bit euphemistic tbh. It's more like being an emotional dumping ground. I don't feel like there's something morally righteous about taking out your problems on someone else just because they happened to be around.
posted by winterportage at 9:55 AM on October 18, 2022 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Similarly, with the second person, I'd basically continue as you are, but take a bit more control in terms of what you ask/respond to. Slow fade anything friendly out of your communications until you're back at acquaintance level.
I also wonder if you could look into ways to make knowing these things less personal for your, but I don't have any specific advice for that.
posted by sagc at 7:38 AM on October 8, 2022 [1 favorite]