How to address tech "bro" coworker who talks over or dismisses you?
September 26, 2022 10:44 AM Subscribe
I had an interview today for a job that would bring me back into the tech world. Two of the people I interviewed with were great; the third exhibited a few of the 'tech bro' behaviors that moved me out of the space in the first place: namely (1) talking over the end of my thoughts with a different topic/question, and (2) saying something like, "huh, you said that you experienced X, when here I've only seen Y", and then plowing into yet another topic before his statement could be addressed. Yes, I know both tactics are ways to exert control or diminish the other person's comments/experience. I really need this job -- what are some ways you, my tech compatriots, you have successfully addressed these behaviors? Specific wordings are helpful as well as general strategies. I am a female, roughly 15 years older than him.
Response by poster: Peer. I would be the head of compliance; building the program - he is the IT Specialist team lead, and he’s been kind of holding the compliance side together for the last few years between his main functions. I would be working closely with him, but not reporting to him.
posted by Silvery Fish at 10:55 AM on September 26, 2022
posted by Silvery Fish at 10:55 AM on September 26, 2022
Part of it is: standing your ground. Being a bit on the nose about it. A bit more than you may feel comfortable with.
"... as I was saying..", "to finish my sentence ....", "please don't talk over me. [and continue]" etc.
posted by jouke at 10:59 AM on September 26, 2022 [20 favorites]
"... as I was saying..", "to finish my sentence ....", "please don't talk over me. [and continue]" etc.
posted by jouke at 10:59 AM on September 26, 2022 [20 favorites]
Women in compliance often have a terrible time of it, due to evil levels of misogyny. The techniques to deal with it are just window dressing unless there is a pervasive structural, cultural shift against misogyny in the workplace. Making sure you’re never, ever alone either in an email thread or in person with him, and all exchanges are documented is a good start. Otherwise? There’s just the techniques a caged animal uses to stave off degradation. If you need the job, compartmentalise as best you can and savour every morsel of whatever need it fills—your dependents’ security, roof and food, etc, and optimise your health and resilience, ruthlessly.
posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 11:00 AM on September 26, 2022 [16 favorites]
posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 11:00 AM on September 26, 2022 [16 favorites]
If he interrupts you, either interrupt him back, saying "as I was saying", or, if you prefer, just keep your cool, wait until he's finished talking.
In either case, calmly continue saying whatever it is you meant to say in the first place, taking as much time as you need.
Answer any direct questions he asks, but don't be drawn into whatever tangent he's trying to go on.
Don't let your guard down around him, don't participate in his jokes, don't try to become chummy with him.
Stick to whatever it is you're saying, treat him as an annoyance,
posted by signal at 11:02 AM on September 26, 2022 [6 favorites]
In either case, calmly continue saying whatever it is you meant to say in the first place, taking as much time as you need.
Answer any direct questions he asks, but don't be drawn into whatever tangent he's trying to go on.
Don't let your guard down around him, don't participate in his jokes, don't try to become chummy with him.
Stick to whatever it is you're saying, treat him as an annoyance,
posted by signal at 11:02 AM on September 26, 2022 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Innocently interrupt him back with a calm statement "Oh, Steve, just a moment please." "Oh Steve, I wasn't done speaking." "Oh Steve, may I finish before you cut in?" You can escalate to "Steve? Again, may I finish?" Use a pleasant, gentle, firm tone, speak loudly and clearly (don't get flustered and speak fast), always use his name, and do NOT show any irritation.
Act like he's just a scattered toddler puppy who needs to be gently reminded of conversational rules, and do so using his name and in a calm tone. He's not a scattered toddler puppy, he's an asshole. But this is a technique that establishes the way he needs to treat you, in a way that's clear to onlookers that this is a pattern, and calls him out by name to draw attention to his rudeness.
The second time there's a meeting where it happens more than average (like at least 3 times in one meeting), I would also consider sending an email, "Hi Steve, I'd like to speak to you about something. I've noticed a pattern of behaviour where you sometimes speak over me in meetings. It happened several times in our budget meeting today. I'd like to request that you wait until I'm finished speaking before you reply, rather than interrupting me. Thanks so much for your understanding."
posted by nouvelle-personne at 11:26 AM on September 26, 2022 [33 favorites]
Act like he's just a scattered toddler puppy who needs to be gently reminded of conversational rules, and do so using his name and in a calm tone. He's not a scattered toddler puppy, he's an asshole. But this is a technique that establishes the way he needs to treat you, in a way that's clear to onlookers that this is a pattern, and calls him out by name to draw attention to his rudeness.
The second time there's a meeting where it happens more than average (like at least 3 times in one meeting), I would also consider sending an email, "Hi Steve, I'd like to speak to you about something. I've noticed a pattern of behaviour where you sometimes speak over me in meetings. It happened several times in our budget meeting today. I'd like to request that you wait until I'm finished speaking before you reply, rather than interrupting me. Thanks so much for your understanding."
posted by nouvelle-personne at 11:26 AM on September 26, 2022 [33 favorites]
Best answer: I mean, you’ll find this everywhere in tech so don’t let it stop you from taking a job you like. They may calm down after a few weeks once the new team norms have established. I see this often in the team when a new person shows up - the posturing just RATCHETS up.
Either - ignore him and keep saying what you’re saying. Or a brief, “no.”
“Well here I’ve only seen X”
You: “no.”
Let him come to you “what do you mean?”
Now you have him on the hook.
But above all just never ever automatically assume that his blatherings merit decent balanced fair sharing responses. He’s not playing the same conversational game you are.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:29 AM on September 26, 2022 [14 favorites]
Either - ignore him and keep saying what you’re saying. Or a brief, “no.”
“Well here I’ve only seen X”
You: “no.”
Let him come to you “what do you mean?”
Now you have him on the hook.
But above all just never ever automatically assume that his blatherings merit decent balanced fair sharing responses. He’s not playing the same conversational game you are.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:29 AM on September 26, 2022 [14 favorites]
These are all great suggestions, but I'm going to also suggest that, in case you get this job and are working with this person, that you work hard to build allies. There's nothing like having strong people on your side (some of whom may have issues with guy themselves). The corporate world has an unholy amount of politics; play that to your advantage.
Second suggestion: some of these clunky and socially awkward tech bros are not as bad as the people who talk smooth and behave friendly but are actually very misogynistic and will find ways to undermine you in their own smooth style. Keep an open, although guarded, mind until you figure people about.
posted by redlines at 2:04 PM on September 26, 2022 [7 favorites]
Second suggestion: some of these clunky and socially awkward tech bros are not as bad as the people who talk smooth and behave friendly but are actually very misogynistic and will find ways to undermine you in their own smooth style. Keep an open, although guarded, mind until you figure people about.
posted by redlines at 2:04 PM on September 26, 2022 [7 favorites]
I've had pretty good results with just continuing to talk as normal when someone was interrupting me. Act like you didn't hear them at all, and calmly finish your point. It's fairly non-confrontational, everyone else in the room knows damn well who was talking first, and most of the time the interrupter will trail off and let you finish.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 2:22 PM on September 26, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 2:22 PM on September 26, 2022 [3 favorites]
Look, I'm one of those conversational overlappers that drive some people crazy. As far as I can tell, when I am talking to another conversational overlapper and one of us interrupts, if the first speaker wants to keep talking, they do, and they raise the volume.
I noticed this because I live and work amongst people who aren't conversational overlappers but have a few friends who are. If CO interrupts me and I'm done with my point, I stop. But if I'm not, I keep going, and speak a bit more loudly.
So maybe try that.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:35 PM on September 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
I noticed this because I live and work amongst people who aren't conversational overlappers but have a few friends who are. If CO interrupts me and I'm done with my point, I stop. But if I'm not, I keep going, and speak a bit more loudly.
So maybe try that.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:35 PM on September 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
As another overlapper, I'd say that in the most generous possible scenario of that this is just his style of speaking, being interrupted himself with his name and a request to wait, as nouvelle-personne mentions, would probably be very effective. You can complete the play by passing to him when you're done - "And Steve, what were you about to say?"
I think it is also the easiest way forward for someone deliberately trying to talk over you, as they will appear rude and silly if they ignore you under those circumstances. Being passed to in a friendly way also asserts you as a peer instead of someone trying to boss them around.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 4:57 PM on September 26, 2022 [4 favorites]
I think it is also the easiest way forward for someone deliberately trying to talk over you, as they will appear rude and silly if they ignore you under those circumstances. Being passed to in a friendly way also asserts you as a peer instead of someone trying to boss them around.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 4:57 PM on September 26, 2022 [4 favorites]
You may be finished listening, but I am not finished answering the question I was asked.
posted by Oyéah at 9:15 PM on September 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by Oyéah at 9:15 PM on September 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
Are we so sure that is what is going on? Just to throw out another perspective that maybe they understood enough of your answer and wanted to move onto another interview question. There is only a limited amount of time to interview someone and if you answered their question enough for them, they might want to move on.
posted by Mr. Papagiorgio at 11:54 PM on September 26, 2022
posted by Mr. Papagiorgio at 11:54 PM on September 26, 2022
I give overtalkers all the rope they want.
When they're done, I wait until the silence is palpably uncomfortable.
And then I start talking to somebody else. If I strongly disagree with what they've said, I say "No, I don't think so", and then talk to somebody else.
posted by some little punk in a rocket at 1:30 AM on September 27, 2022 [1 favorite]
When they're done, I wait until the silence is palpably uncomfortable.
And then I start talking to somebody else. If I strongly disagree with what they've said, I say "No, I don't think so", and then talk to somebody else.
posted by some little punk in a rocket at 1:30 AM on September 27, 2022 [1 favorite]
I feel you, being a person who speaks in paragraphs, not sentences. Two things that really help:
1) an accomplice who watches him while you talk and as soon as he begins to open up his mouth, pre-emptively says "don't interrupt, I want to hear this" (and you do the same for them)
2) practice reorganizing your paragraphs to say the crazy thing or the punchline first, then the explanation. In fact, in some cases, say something exaggeratedly super-crazy, but then the punch line is the more-realistic thing you wanted to say. Make people want to hear the rest.
It doesn't always work, but it does a lot and in both cases someone else does the squashing of "Steve" for you so he can't pin his annoyance on you.
posted by ctmf at 3:25 AM on September 27, 2022 [1 favorite]
1) an accomplice who watches him while you talk and as soon as he begins to open up his mouth, pre-emptively says "don't interrupt, I want to hear this" (and you do the same for them)
2) practice reorganizing your paragraphs to say the crazy thing or the punchline first, then the explanation. In fact, in some cases, say something exaggeratedly super-crazy, but then the punch line is the more-realistic thing you wanted to say. Make people want to hear the rest.
It doesn't always work, but it does a lot and in both cases someone else does the squashing of "Steve" for you so he can't pin his annoyance on you.
posted by ctmf at 3:25 AM on September 27, 2022 [1 favorite]
“Please stop talking over me. Thank you.” And then continue with what you were saying.
posted by MexicanYenta at 1:16 PM on September 27, 2022
posted by MexicanYenta at 1:16 PM on September 27, 2022
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:46 AM on September 26, 2022 [5 favorites]