Social media, dating boundaries, infatuation
September 14, 2022 10:48 AM Subscribe
How do I have good boundaries with myself, and especially on social media, to help me not spin out and feel infatuated with people I date?
I've been dating more lately and finding it hard to avoid the dopamine rush of pulling up the dating profile or social media profile of someone I'm interested in.
I guess there are two aspects to this issue: 1) too much social media engagement leads to a parasocial relationship that is more than my real life connection with the other person and 2) I catch feelings really easily and in a very surfacey, infatuation kind of way if I'm not careful.
Example time… I have a good buddy, we'll call her Helen. We met a year ago in the spring and I developed a crush on her that lasted most of the summer. I spent a lot of time engaging with her social media and we exchanged a lot of music. Both of these things were in a completely friendly, platonic way on her part, but I built it up in my head into a full infatuation. Eventually we spent enough time together that there was a dissonance between the Helen in my head and my real life friend, and the crush faded. I want to not do this anymore because it makes it much more difficult to have a genuine relationship.
I've started to see someone that I think could be a good friend and maybe more, and really want to be the best version of myself in that relationship. I'm trying to limit myself to looking at instagram once a day, which is helping, but I'm still struggling with obsessive thoughts about them. I also go running as a coping mechanism, which helps a ton, but looking for more ways to get my head right.
Just wondering what things other people do to have a healthier relationship with social media while dating and to curb obsessive thought patterns? Thanks y'all.
I've been dating more lately and finding it hard to avoid the dopamine rush of pulling up the dating profile or social media profile of someone I'm interested in.
I guess there are two aspects to this issue: 1) too much social media engagement leads to a parasocial relationship that is more than my real life connection with the other person and 2) I catch feelings really easily and in a very surfacey, infatuation kind of way if I'm not careful.
Example time… I have a good buddy, we'll call her Helen. We met a year ago in the spring and I developed a crush on her that lasted most of the summer. I spent a lot of time engaging with her social media and we exchanged a lot of music. Both of these things were in a completely friendly, platonic way on her part, but I built it up in my head into a full infatuation. Eventually we spent enough time together that there was a dissonance between the Helen in my head and my real life friend, and the crush faded. I want to not do this anymore because it makes it much more difficult to have a genuine relationship.
I've started to see someone that I think could be a good friend and maybe more, and really want to be the best version of myself in that relationship. I'm trying to limit myself to looking at instagram once a day, which is helping, but I'm still struggling with obsessive thoughts about them. I also go running as a coping mechanism, which helps a ton, but looking for more ways to get my head right.
Just wondering what things other people do to have a healthier relationship with social media while dating and to curb obsessive thought patterns? Thanks y'all.
Very cool that you recognize this! Some general questions:
Do you have a strong, healthy category in your head and life for Female Gendered Person Who Is Not A Dating Partner?
Have you internally separated out the qualities you want in friends versus the extras that are required for a life partner?
Do you believe - KNOW in your bones — that most women are people, full human people, and want to been seen in the world and engaged with as that and not as a “potential, maybe some day” girlfriend?
From what you wrote, I suspect two things are going on: the first is a base-level filter through which you run all women, which has at its base “potential girlfriend “. That is something worth spending the internal time to get past. We are not put on the earth with the sole intent of someday being someone’s mate.
The second part is your read of social media. Tell yourself - repeat until its second nature: everything you read on line is specifically curated, crafted, and chosen to only show the bits that people think will make them likable.
Repeat to yourself, “The only REAL (person) is the one I know when we spend time together in real life. The online stuff is the gloss. I will only build a view of this person based solely on the experiences we have face to face.”
Good luck. :)
posted by Silvery Fish at 11:37 AM on September 14, 2022 [2 favorites]
Do you have a strong, healthy category in your head and life for Female Gendered Person Who Is Not A Dating Partner?
Have you internally separated out the qualities you want in friends versus the extras that are required for a life partner?
Do you believe - KNOW in your bones — that most women are people, full human people, and want to been seen in the world and engaged with as that and not as a “potential, maybe some day” girlfriend?
From what you wrote, I suspect two things are going on: the first is a base-level filter through which you run all women, which has at its base “potential girlfriend “. That is something worth spending the internal time to get past. We are not put on the earth with the sole intent of someday being someone’s mate.
The second part is your read of social media. Tell yourself - repeat until its second nature: everything you read on line is specifically curated, crafted, and chosen to only show the bits that people think will make them likable.
Repeat to yourself, “The only REAL (person) is the one I know when we spend time together in real life. The online stuff is the gloss. I will only build a view of this person based solely on the experiences we have face to face.”
Good luck. :)
posted by Silvery Fish at 11:37 AM on September 14, 2022 [2 favorites]
Well, I have a few ideas. First, go ahead and ask out/express interest in this new person. With Helen, you met her and nurtured a crush for ages and then, it seems, never asked her out or on a date. Is that right? I'm wondering if part of you didn't want the fantasy bubble to burst. In this case, go ahead and ask out new person and see if it leads anywhere. If not, then maybe that can be the start of a good friendship, and then you'll know it lacks romantic potential.
Next, how about waiting longer to connect with new friends/potential partners via social media? Or, mute them (if you have the discipline then not to go check) without unfriending them (translate for whatever words your preferred platform uses so that you won't see their content in your feed but they won't know that).
I'm suggesting this because I know that social media has really messed with my head in dating. I find it better to get to know them first in person and via individual interactions, not social media.
You could also take a social media break when you find yourself getting caught in this stew. Sometimes I post that I am taking a break for some accountability. And then I delete the app from my phone. It's much easier for me not to eat ice cream if I don't have my favorite flavor in the freezer, you know? Same goes with social media. There are lots of other tricks: make it black and white, only access it via a computer browser, etc.
It's not a moral failing to have stress around social media and dating. I would try to tackle it via limiting your access to this information because otherwise, you are constantly exerting willpower, and that can be exhausting.
Also, I am going to suggest a reframing of something you didn't even ask about. You said:
I've started to see someone that I think could be a good friend and maybe more, and really want to be the best version of myself in that relationship.
Look, this is what we all want. And that's what we can often bring in early dating. But our best selves are not always our truest selves. So here's what I'd say:
I've started to see someone that I think could be a good friend and maybe more, and really want to be the best authentic version of myself in that relationship.
Don't beat yourself up for not being perfect. We think we want folks to see us at our best. But really what we need is people who still want to be around us at our worst.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:28 PM on September 14, 2022 [1 favorite]
Next, how about waiting longer to connect with new friends/potential partners via social media? Or, mute them (if you have the discipline then not to go check) without unfriending them (translate for whatever words your preferred platform uses so that you won't see their content in your feed but they won't know that).
I'm suggesting this because I know that social media has really messed with my head in dating. I find it better to get to know them first in person and via individual interactions, not social media.
You could also take a social media break when you find yourself getting caught in this stew. Sometimes I post that I am taking a break for some accountability. And then I delete the app from my phone. It's much easier for me not to eat ice cream if I don't have my favorite flavor in the freezer, you know? Same goes with social media. There are lots of other tricks: make it black and white, only access it via a computer browser, etc.
It's not a moral failing to have stress around social media and dating. I would try to tackle it via limiting your access to this information because otherwise, you are constantly exerting willpower, and that can be exhausting.
Also, I am going to suggest a reframing of something you didn't even ask about. You said:
I've started to see someone that I think could be a good friend and maybe more, and really want to be the best version of myself in that relationship.
Look, this is what we all want. And that's what we can often bring in early dating. But our best selves are not always our truest selves. So here's what I'd say:
I've started to see someone that I think could be a good friend and maybe more, and really want to be the best authentic version of myself in that relationship.
Don't beat yourself up for not being perfect. We think we want folks to see us at our best. But really what we need is people who still want to be around us at our worst.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:28 PM on September 14, 2022 [1 favorite]
Best answer: This is totally out of left field, but - do you have other things you like to do, that capture your attention and take you away from your phone/computer?
Social media is addictive, even without the way it fosters parasocial relationships. It's just so easy to open and get that hit. Even a pretty landscape photo from a total stranger stimulates your brain with its novelty.
In addition to using tools that block your time spent on these apps/sites, it can be helpful to have something to do that engages your brain, like a creative hobby. I'm not kidding when I say a lot of completely well-adjusted, healthy people use apps that block social media except for certain times of the day or number of minutes/hours. We just didn't really evolve to deal with that kind of stimulation well.
It's not just that you "catch" infatuations easily, it's that intensive use of social media is promoting those feelings. It's a vicious circle, and the easiest part of the circle to cut is probably going to be the social media.
I think it's pretty normal to check out the social media profiles of people you're dating. It just sounds like you're taking it to an extreme and that is not helping you. Strategies for reducing your social media use probably WILL help you. Blocking apps will help you limit social media use, while replacement with another mentally rewarding activity might help reduce the obsessive thoughts - which I also think will fade over time as you don't feed into them.
(Of course I'm just guessing here. This might be complete bullshit, but consider it if it resonates for you.)
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 12:29 PM on September 14, 2022 [2 favorites]
Social media is addictive, even without the way it fosters parasocial relationships. It's just so easy to open and get that hit. Even a pretty landscape photo from a total stranger stimulates your brain with its novelty.
In addition to using tools that block your time spent on these apps/sites, it can be helpful to have something to do that engages your brain, like a creative hobby. I'm not kidding when I say a lot of completely well-adjusted, healthy people use apps that block social media except for certain times of the day or number of minutes/hours. We just didn't really evolve to deal with that kind of stimulation well.
It's not just that you "catch" infatuations easily, it's that intensive use of social media is promoting those feelings. It's a vicious circle, and the easiest part of the circle to cut is probably going to be the social media.
I think it's pretty normal to check out the social media profiles of people you're dating. It just sounds like you're taking it to an extreme and that is not helping you. Strategies for reducing your social media use probably WILL help you. Blocking apps will help you limit social media use, while replacement with another mentally rewarding activity might help reduce the obsessive thoughts - which I also think will fade over time as you don't feed into them.
(Of course I'm just guessing here. This might be complete bullshit, but consider it if it resonates for you.)
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 12:29 PM on September 14, 2022 [2 favorites]
I find that for me, it is best to not try to interact with people who I know offline on social media. All of my social media accounts that are tied to my IRL identity and friend group are basically dormant. I still use Twitter, but I use it as a creative outlet to do weird performance art stuff aimed towards people I do not and will never know in person, and I find that much more satisfying — I think doing this made it easier to stop using Twitter in the unhealthy ways I was before, since I could still use it, just in a different capacity. I had a friend who started using her Instagram account largely for posting photos of floors with nice textures, which seems like a similar sort of coping mechanism.
I think it's very normal these days for people to realize that social media is harmful for them and just stop using it, and while it certainly makes some social stuff a little harder, I think it's very worthwhile on the whole.
posted by wesleyac at 2:19 PM on September 14, 2022
I think it's very normal these days for people to realize that social media is harmful for them and just stop using it, and while it certainly makes some social stuff a little harder, I think it's very worthwhile on the whole.
posted by wesleyac at 2:19 PM on September 14, 2022
This thread is closed to new comments.
If you're not comfortable telling on yourself in re. the awareness you have of their social media, that's a good indication your use has become unhealthy for you. It's 2022, most people are a little too connected to social media, it's not a stigma. But if you can't talk about it--why? Maybe time to delete an app.
Also, if the person you're talking to responds poorly to knowing you pay attention to their socials, that can be illustrative, too.
I had a guy on a first date respond very poorly once to the info that I had googled him, and I was just like look dude, we met on online dating. YOU provided enough data to be easily googled. I'm a woman living alone, I'm meeting a man I don't know. Of course I'm going to google you get the fuck over yourself maybe? Or the flip side, the person you're seeing is suddenly confronted with the realization that a person they're not particularly into is interested in them. In both cases a further romantic relationship is probably a non starter so why not find that out real early?
posted by phunniemee at 11:07 AM on September 14, 2022 [5 favorites]