Should I confront my mother?
September 11, 2022 7:46 PM Subscribe
In July, I was yelled at by my mother in a borderline abusive manner. It really hurt, deeply, but I was too "shocked" at the time to say anything, and given how anxious I felt, did not want to confront her about it. Unfortunately, long after I returned back home across the country, the situation has still been bothering me.
I have been able to distance myself from my mom, we haven't talked much other than some very surface-level texts. The day after the incident, I tried my best to just let it go, out of discomfort of confronting her and having to have a discussion, or (potentially) being told I was overreacting and to just get over it, or even being dismissed.
I still have zero motivation to talk with my mom, but I know Christmas is coming up, and I want to put on my adult shoes and show her that what she did was not okay (even though it wasn't physically harmful nor did she sling insults at me, it was still triggering). I never really did learn how to stand up for myself appropriately, and I'm not sure how to, but I want to clear the air. I don't want to sound like I'm going to scold her, but I do want to make it clear that while I understand being stressed, treating me that way is just not okay. I've been bad with boundaries my whole life, and need to change that.
Do you have any suggestions on what I should do? Confront her? It feels like 2 months ago is a bit of a while now, but not that long ago. Or really just let this go? I know you're not me, and you're not my mom/family, but some advice would be helpful. Thanks!
I have been able to distance myself from my mom, we haven't talked much other than some very surface-level texts. The day after the incident, I tried my best to just let it go, out of discomfort of confronting her and having to have a discussion, or (potentially) being told I was overreacting and to just get over it, or even being dismissed.
I still have zero motivation to talk with my mom, but I know Christmas is coming up, and I want to put on my adult shoes and show her that what she did was not okay (even though it wasn't physically harmful nor did she sling insults at me, it was still triggering). I never really did learn how to stand up for myself appropriately, and I'm not sure how to, but I want to clear the air. I don't want to sound like I'm going to scold her, but I do want to make it clear that while I understand being stressed, treating me that way is just not okay. I've been bad with boundaries my whole life, and need to change that.
Do you have any suggestions on what I should do? Confront her? It feels like 2 months ago is a bit of a while now, but not that long ago. Or really just let this go? I know you're not me, and you're not my mom/family, but some advice would be helpful. Thanks!
I read this question and then read the previous one, where the yelling took place. It might be helpful to tell your mother that it bothered you when she yelled. But I wouldn't expect her behavior to change much in the future. As you said, she is getting old and crotchety. She's not always the most fun person to be around. So that is who she is. The question is how you are going to react to that, and whether you can find ways to have it bother you less than it does.
I would be answering differently if you said that your mother yelled at you repeatedly. She was negative about life a lot, but the yelling was a one off. In that circumstance, I believe reasonable people could make different decisions. Some might decide, "I can tolerate getting yelled at once during a week long visit, because this is my mother, and she's getting older," while others might decide, "even being yelled at once is too much; it makes me feel unsafe and I don't want to expose myself to that." But either way, the decision is about you, and about how you will handle it. I don't believe there is an answer that involves your mother changing her behavior. Your previous question makes it pretty clear that she is who she is. Now it's up to you decide how you can best feel healthy, and whole, and safe.
posted by Winnie the Proust at 8:07 PM on September 11, 2022 [4 favorites]
I would be answering differently if you said that your mother yelled at you repeatedly. She was negative about life a lot, but the yelling was a one off. In that circumstance, I believe reasonable people could make different decisions. Some might decide, "I can tolerate getting yelled at once during a week long visit, because this is my mother, and she's getting older," while others might decide, "even being yelled at once is too much; it makes me feel unsafe and I don't want to expose myself to that." But either way, the decision is about you, and about how you will handle it. I don't believe there is an answer that involves your mother changing her behavior. Your previous question makes it pretty clear that she is who she is. Now it's up to you decide how you can best feel healthy, and whole, and safe.
posted by Winnie the Proust at 8:07 PM on September 11, 2022 [4 favorites]
If you really feel that you have to do this, I’d suggest just standing in your truth and saying “mom, last time we were together you yelled at me. It might seem small but it’s been on my mind. I’d like you to know it really bothered me.”
If she listens to you, great. (Bearing in mind she may not respond perfectly especially as this may seem very out of the blue to her.) If not, skip Christmas or go for a very short time.
But what will have the most effect, and I say this as someone whose mum has been truly awful at times, is to be prepared to leave at any point, whether that means renting a car or pre-loading a ride share app and hotel etc. then if she yells you say “mum, I can’t let you yell at me, so I’m leaving now. See you at Easter/tomorrow/whatever.” That will have the largest impact. You may guess from this that I never put myself under my parents’ roof overnight, and you would be correct.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:15 PM on September 11, 2022 [13 favorites]
If she listens to you, great. (Bearing in mind she may not respond perfectly especially as this may seem very out of the blue to her.) If not, skip Christmas or go for a very short time.
But what will have the most effect, and I say this as someone whose mum has been truly awful at times, is to be prepared to leave at any point, whether that means renting a car or pre-loading a ride share app and hotel etc. then if she yells you say “mum, I can’t let you yell at me, so I’m leaving now. See you at Easter/tomorrow/whatever.” That will have the largest impact. You may guess from this that I never put myself under my parents’ roof overnight, and you would be correct.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:15 PM on September 11, 2022 [13 favorites]
My advice is to let it go. If she behaves badly on this new visit, confront her in the moment. Reading your previous question it seems like she snapped at you in a moment of frustration, and she probably won't even recall the incident if you bring it up.
posted by emd3737 at 12:44 AM on September 12, 2022 [18 favorites]
posted by emd3737 at 12:44 AM on September 12, 2022 [18 favorites]
Probably not. It is still bugging you, but she has almost certainly forgotten it and the long delay bringing it up will make it hard for you to get the understanding you want. It's unlikely that you will do anything other than open the wounds because she will probably defend herself, and even if she apologizes, is unlikely to be able to change how she is and what she does. Confronting her will probably only result in an intense and mutually painful experienced.
What you can do is use the recurring distress as you remember the experience to motivate you to change your relationship with her. Instead of dwelling on the inappropriateness of her actions, and how wrong they were, focus on what you will do differently to ensure that she doesn't have an opportunity to do it again.
If you confront her and then still get into a car with her, in a situation where she will get flustered and yell at you again, you are setting yourself up for it to happen again. What you do now is make plans to be aware of when a situation is turning into one where she is at all likely to start yelling at you, and make sure you have an escape route and can take actions to keep the situation going in that direction. For example you can stop the car, pull over and sort the paperwork if she is likely to yell at you for not having it readily available. Or you can decline to get in the car with her in the first place.
But confronting her is probably going to result in you upsetting her and both of you feeling worse. And when both of your feel worse, you are much more likely to end up in a situation where she yells at you again, because of the tension you both will be feeling - you attacked, unsupported, misused, and her trying to manage everything, and exasperated with you.
Unless your mother has a history of listening to your complaints and completely changing her behaviour in a supportive way, confronting her is likely to end up strengthening a pattern where the two of you get upset with each other and express it verbally because you are too upset to find a better solution than accusation and blame.
posted by Jane the Brown at 12:50 AM on September 12, 2022 [10 favorites]
What you can do is use the recurring distress as you remember the experience to motivate you to change your relationship with her. Instead of dwelling on the inappropriateness of her actions, and how wrong they were, focus on what you will do differently to ensure that she doesn't have an opportunity to do it again.
If you confront her and then still get into a car with her, in a situation where she will get flustered and yell at you again, you are setting yourself up for it to happen again. What you do now is make plans to be aware of when a situation is turning into one where she is at all likely to start yelling at you, and make sure you have an escape route and can take actions to keep the situation going in that direction. For example you can stop the car, pull over and sort the paperwork if she is likely to yell at you for not having it readily available. Or you can decline to get in the car with her in the first place.
But confronting her is probably going to result in you upsetting her and both of you feeling worse. And when both of your feel worse, you are much more likely to end up in a situation where she yells at you again, because of the tension you both will be feeling - you attacked, unsupported, misused, and her trying to manage everything, and exasperated with you.
Unless your mother has a history of listening to your complaints and completely changing her behaviour in a supportive way, confronting her is likely to end up strengthening a pattern where the two of you get upset with each other and express it verbally because you are too upset to find a better solution than accusation and blame.
posted by Jane the Brown at 12:50 AM on September 12, 2022 [10 favorites]
And re-reading your previous question, do whatever it takes to show up at your parents’ house in your own rental car. To be honest, your dependence on them for rides seems to be a huge stressor and a pretty easily addressed one.
posted by whitewall at 2:56 AM on September 12, 2022 [19 favorites]
posted by whitewall at 2:56 AM on September 12, 2022 [19 favorites]
Her behavior is not okay. She shouldn't be acting like that towards anyone, let alone her own child. I'm not going to address the most recent event - everyone else has somewhat echoed what I would say anyway, so I am going to throw this out there instead:
This could have been written by my wife. Her mom has always been "borderline" abusive/narcissistic, especially towards my wife - shitty comments about everything (her body, how she parents, her career, her lack of churching) but my wife always wrote it off to single incidents like this. She eventually started going to counseling and therapy for it and she quickly realized that her entire life was a series of these mild-moderate (very occasionally severe) abusive episodes and that it wasn't just isolated events. Her mom is an abuser. She decided she wanted to confront her mother and establish some boundaries, both at the advice of her therapist and my encouragement. My wife is an amazing, wonderful, person - she's an incredible mother, friend, and partner and she didn't deserve ANY of the abuse she was receiving.
We sat down with her family and she told her mom she wouldn't allow her to treat her like that anymore, especially around the grandchildren. Her mom LOST IT. To the point that she was literally slathering in spit and saliva from screaming so much. She tried to tell my wife (in front of her then-fiance) that she deserved the abuse and cheating from her ex-husband and that if she was a better wife he wouldn't have done that. My wife's dad had to physically hold her mom away so she wouldn't attack my wife. We left immediately, expecting to get half-hearted apology a few days later (as usual) - instead, she sent my wife multiple long texts about how she ruined the family by being selfish and she ruined her dad's birthday (it was near this occurance) and so on. My wife blocked her. She oscillated between showing up randomly at our door and doing the narcisisst "I swear I've changed" routine while my wife's siblings separately told us that she was still saying shitty stuff about my wife to the family any time she came up in conversation. She was not invited to our wedding (for said shitty behavior) and everyone in the family basically said "That's just how mom is" and "if she's not invited, we aren't invited" which I personally found to be cowardly and a cop-out from acknowledging her behavior. We see her siblings on a very, very infrequent basis and we've moved on. We have our own family and my side, but it has been a challenge at times to not have contact with that side.
I guess I'm telling you this to say there is the direct situation you are talking about in this question, but you also need to look at the bigger picture. Do you want to deal with this forever? At some point you may want to (or have to) lay down a firm boundary with your mother and I just want you to be prepared.
At the end of the day, you are an independent adult and she has NO right to treat you (or anyone) like this. If you do establish firm boundaries with her (and I really, really hope you do), just be ready for her to not take it well. You need to decide ahead of time where your do-not-cross line is and be ready to walk if she can't respect that. This is not okay behavior on her part and you do not have to take it for the rest of your life (unless you want to).
posted by _DB_ at 7:19 AM on September 12, 2022 [7 favorites]
This could have been written by my wife. Her mom has always been "borderline" abusive/narcissistic, especially towards my wife - shitty comments about everything (her body, how she parents, her career, her lack of churching) but my wife always wrote it off to single incidents like this. She eventually started going to counseling and therapy for it and she quickly realized that her entire life was a series of these mild-moderate (very occasionally severe) abusive episodes and that it wasn't just isolated events. Her mom is an abuser. She decided she wanted to confront her mother and establish some boundaries, both at the advice of her therapist and my encouragement. My wife is an amazing, wonderful, person - she's an incredible mother, friend, and partner and she didn't deserve ANY of the abuse she was receiving.
We sat down with her family and she told her mom she wouldn't allow her to treat her like that anymore, especially around the grandchildren. Her mom LOST IT. To the point that she was literally slathering in spit and saliva from screaming so much. She tried to tell my wife (in front of her then-fiance) that she deserved the abuse and cheating from her ex-husband and that if she was a better wife he wouldn't have done that. My wife's dad had to physically hold her mom away so she wouldn't attack my wife. We left immediately, expecting to get half-hearted apology a few days later (as usual) - instead, she sent my wife multiple long texts about how she ruined the family by being selfish and she ruined her dad's birthday (it was near this occurance) and so on. My wife blocked her. She oscillated between showing up randomly at our door and doing the narcisisst "I swear I've changed" routine while my wife's siblings separately told us that she was still saying shitty stuff about my wife to the family any time she came up in conversation. She was not invited to our wedding (for said shitty behavior) and everyone in the family basically said "That's just how mom is" and "if she's not invited, we aren't invited" which I personally found to be cowardly and a cop-out from acknowledging her behavior. We see her siblings on a very, very infrequent basis and we've moved on. We have our own family and my side, but it has been a challenge at times to not have contact with that side.
I guess I'm telling you this to say there is the direct situation you are talking about in this question, but you also need to look at the bigger picture. Do you want to deal with this forever? At some point you may want to (or have to) lay down a firm boundary with your mother and I just want you to be prepared.
At the end of the day, you are an independent adult and she has NO right to treat you (or anyone) like this. If you do establish firm boundaries with her (and I really, really hope you do), just be ready for her to not take it well. You need to decide ahead of time where your do-not-cross line is and be ready to walk if she can't respect that. This is not okay behavior on her part and you do not have to take it for the rest of your life (unless you want to).
posted by _DB_ at 7:19 AM on September 12, 2022 [7 favorites]
Normalize telling your parents when they do messed up things to you, no matter how old you are. Steel yourself and bring it up in a way that you think you could accept if you were on the receiving end. If they can't or won't talk about it, then you have other things to work on. Not saying they might not have good reason for not being able to talk about things like this, but I also advise normalizing that your parents baggage doesn't negate your own feelings.
posted by littlerobothead at 7:46 AM on September 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by littlerobothead at 7:46 AM on September 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
You can't change your mother, you can only change how you react to your mother. And, as terrible as it sounds, if your mother doesn't care about your feelings in the first place, she will not be motivated by your feelings to change. She may be motivated by other factors - public opinion, your possible estrangement, etc. - but that's more of a business negotiation than a loving relationship. And you may have to accept that, as painful as it is. Your mother may just not be a very nice person. Or it may be a temporary blip, in which case, time will tell.
posted by stockpuppet at 8:01 AM on September 12, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by stockpuppet at 8:01 AM on September 12, 2022 [3 favorites]
If I were to confront my mother about this or about something that happened months ago that you characterize as "borderline abusive" I would not characterize it to her as borderline abusive. I would characterize it at "rude". I am probably of your mother's generation. She was rude by standards of any generation, but I highly doubt her intention or even her subconscious underlying standard was to be abusive. I doubt she even remembers the incident. She was probably tired and cranky for any number of reasons. Probably for multiple reasons.
Having been an adult child visiting my parents and now being a parent who has adult children visit, the dynamic of the relationship in person can be full of all sorts of unfinished business or full of all sorts of tension. It takes a while to go from a parent-child relationship to a friend-friend relationship between parent and child.
A step towards a more level personal dynamic relationship is being able to address an issue with your parent in the moment. Being able to say to a parent, "Hey you left me hanging there." or "I don't appreciate being yelled at for such a minor thing" is critical to changing the power dynamic to a level playing field.
Also, being able to move on past incidents that happened a while ago, even if you were in the right, is a skill that is critical in adulthood. It is like the old cliché, Forgive but don't forget. It may turn out that your mom is just a rude person in her older age. Trying to change her will likely lead to frustration and failure. Another cliché, Can't teach an old dog new tricks comes to mind. At some point the effort to teach or to get them to change is not worth it. There will come a time when you have to make a choice to either learn to live with who they are as they are or not. Would slowly dropping your mother from your life have a major affect on you?
posted by JohnnyGunn at 8:04 AM on September 12, 2022 [10 favorites]
Having been an adult child visiting my parents and now being a parent who has adult children visit, the dynamic of the relationship in person can be full of all sorts of unfinished business or full of all sorts of tension. It takes a while to go from a parent-child relationship to a friend-friend relationship between parent and child.
A step towards a more level personal dynamic relationship is being able to address an issue with your parent in the moment. Being able to say to a parent, "Hey you left me hanging there." or "I don't appreciate being yelled at for such a minor thing" is critical to changing the power dynamic to a level playing field.
Also, being able to move on past incidents that happened a while ago, even if you were in the right, is a skill that is critical in adulthood. It is like the old cliché, Forgive but don't forget. It may turn out that your mom is just a rude person in her older age. Trying to change her will likely lead to frustration and failure. Another cliché, Can't teach an old dog new tricks comes to mind. At some point the effort to teach or to get them to change is not worth it. There will come a time when you have to make a choice to either learn to live with who they are as they are or not. Would slowly dropping your mother from your life have a major affect on you?
posted by JohnnyGunn at 8:04 AM on September 12, 2022 [10 favorites]
I guess, be clear that you're confronting your mom for yourself, to take care of you, and not out of any expectation that she will be understanding or change her ways. It sounds like you have a pretty good idea that her reaction will be subpar. This kind of thing is worth doing as a confrontation maybe once max, if it doesn't work the first time then subsequent tries are even less likely to work.
Skipping major holidays with my parents for a few years and only seeing them in neutral vacation-y spaces was really helpful for our relationship. Everybody being understood to have a bit of flexibility to do their own thing (go out to a bar, stay in with a book, go for a walk) helped too. I'm an only kid, so I didn't have siblings to consider, YMMV.
posted by momus_window at 8:31 AM on September 12, 2022 [2 favorites]
Skipping major holidays with my parents for a few years and only seeing them in neutral vacation-y spaces was really helpful for our relationship. Everybody being understood to have a bit of flexibility to do their own thing (go out to a bar, stay in with a book, go for a walk) helped too. I'm an only kid, so I didn't have siblings to consider, YMMV.
posted by momus_window at 8:31 AM on September 12, 2022 [2 favorites]
You’re entitled to feel however you feel, but I think describing being snapped at once as traumatic and abusive is…an extreme reaction. I would focus more on why that reaction in you is so extreme and how you might deal with it in the future.
I do not think you are going to get what you actually want by “confronting” your mother. Kindly, confront yourself! The “trigger” isn’t the real problem, the thing it’s triggering is. If being snapped at is such a major deal that you have been ruminating on it for two months, is the problem really the snapping? Many people here seem to agree that it’s inherently wrong to ever snap at anyone; I don’t think it’s possible to never lose one’s cool, but who knows. It’s fine for you to decide that you cannot be around anyone who ever snaps at you, but I think you’ll wind up pretty lonely.
posted by Charity Garfein at 11:58 AM on September 12, 2022 [33 favorites]
I do not think you are going to get what you actually want by “confronting” your mother. Kindly, confront yourself! The “trigger” isn’t the real problem, the thing it’s triggering is. If being snapped at is such a major deal that you have been ruminating on it for two months, is the problem really the snapping? Many people here seem to agree that it’s inherently wrong to ever snap at anyone; I don’t think it’s possible to never lose one’s cool, but who knows. It’s fine for you to decide that you cannot be around anyone who ever snaps at you, but I think you’ll wind up pretty lonely.
posted by Charity Garfein at 11:58 AM on September 12, 2022 [33 favorites]
You have the permission of this internet stranger to not go home for the holidays. Feel free to consider going no-contact. Your boundaries are valid. You don't have to justify your response to having them violated, or convince anyone that they should be respected. You can walk away instead.
posted by longtime_lurker at 2:51 PM on September 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by longtime_lurker at 2:51 PM on September 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
I think you waited too long and the convo won’t be meaningful bc she won’t remember. So while I think it’s OK to be mad, I think it is not useful to address it because it has been so long.
It’s very likely she will snap at you again. Any time someone snaps at you, you get two reactions: you get to react in the moment, and you can choose to respond again (hopefully more calmly) after the moment has passed.
Just think about those two potential interactions now. How do you WANT to react and respond next time? Plan so you’re ready to handle it better next time. That will be more useful because she will know what you’re talking about.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 4:45 PM on September 12, 2022 [3 favorites]
It’s very likely she will snap at you again. Any time someone snaps at you, you get two reactions: you get to react in the moment, and you can choose to respond again (hopefully more calmly) after the moment has passed.
Just think about those two potential interactions now. How do you WANT to react and respond next time? Plan so you’re ready to handle it better next time. That will be more useful because she will know what you’re talking about.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 4:45 PM on September 12, 2022 [3 favorites]
My advice is to let it go. If she behaves badly on this new visit, confront her in the moment. Reading your previous question it seems like she snapped at you in a moment of frustration, and she probably won't even recall the incident if you bring it up.
This. And this:
You’re entitled to feel however you feel, but I think describing being snapped at once as traumatic and abusive is…an extreme reaction. I would focus more on why that reaction in you is so extreme and how you might deal with it in the future.
As far as that particular situation goes, it sounded like it was her being stressed out and snapping. If she even remembers it, I'm sure she has no idea it still bothers you. I'm only speaking to that one incident because it's all I know. But whatever your trauma past is, can you think of ways to disconnect moments like that from your most severe traumas? Are you able to reframe "my mom yelled at me abusively" to "my mom lost patience and was rude?' You're an adult and have come far. You don't need to always be the victim.
I'm sure you wish your mom would change and never hurt your feelings or or lose her patience ever again. But that's not realistic, especially if you don't give her any slack at all. Of course you get to choose whether or not to visit or to be in contact or not. But you can also choose to take responsibility over your feelings and how to manage them. You can't talk her out of being an imperfect human, and she shouldn't have to worry that every interaction will be read as traumatic and abusive. Nor should you have to be hypervigilant that she's going to get irritated and "abuse" you again.
posted by mermaidcafe at 9:39 PM on September 12, 2022 [7 favorites]
This. And this:
You’re entitled to feel however you feel, but I think describing being snapped at once as traumatic and abusive is…an extreme reaction. I would focus more on why that reaction in you is so extreme and how you might deal with it in the future.
As far as that particular situation goes, it sounded like it was her being stressed out and snapping. If she even remembers it, I'm sure she has no idea it still bothers you. I'm only speaking to that one incident because it's all I know. But whatever your trauma past is, can you think of ways to disconnect moments like that from your most severe traumas? Are you able to reframe "my mom yelled at me abusively" to "my mom lost patience and was rude?' You're an adult and have come far. You don't need to always be the victim.
I'm sure you wish your mom would change and never hurt your feelings or or lose her patience ever again. But that's not realistic, especially if you don't give her any slack at all. Of course you get to choose whether or not to visit or to be in contact or not. But you can also choose to take responsibility over your feelings and how to manage them. You can't talk her out of being an imperfect human, and she shouldn't have to worry that every interaction will be read as traumatic and abusive. Nor should you have to be hypervigilant that she's going to get irritated and "abuse" you again.
posted by mermaidcafe at 9:39 PM on September 12, 2022 [7 favorites]
You wouldn't ask your mother now to give you a band aid for a paper cut from four months ago, right?
Like, if you're still bleeding or hurting from the paper cut you got four months ago, you should go to the hospital and get looked at for much bigger health issues. A bandaid from your mom isn't going to solve your problem anyway.
posted by MiraK at 8:43 AM on September 13, 2022 [8 favorites]
Like, if you're still bleeding or hurting from the paper cut you got four months ago, you should go to the hospital and get looked at for much bigger health issues. A bandaid from your mom isn't going to solve your problem anyway.
posted by MiraK at 8:43 AM on September 13, 2022 [8 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for all of your perspectives and helping to reframe stuff for me.
After some thought, I'm going to let it go this time, but if it happens again, I'll speak up in the moment and make sure it's made clear that her approach is inappropriate and not okay.
It's not only that incident, it's more of an add-up of other, separate incidents over the years. That's something I'll need to visit in therapy or self-unpacking.
Thanks again!
posted by dubious_dude at 7:41 PM on September 13, 2022 [5 favorites]
After some thought, I'm going to let it go this time, but if it happens again, I'll speak up in the moment and make sure it's made clear that her approach is inappropriate and not okay.
It's not only that incident, it's more of an add-up of other, separate incidents over the years. That's something I'll need to visit in therapy or self-unpacking.
Thanks again!
posted by dubious_dude at 7:41 PM on September 13, 2022 [5 favorites]
That's excellent, dubious_dude. It can be super challenging to learn to stand up for yourself in the moment, and to do it without reacting with disproportionate anger (i.e. from your place of being triggered rather than what the transgression merits), so please be patient with yourself as you learn how to do it.
I personally needed, idk, 2 years? 3 years?? of work before I was able to consistently stand up for myself without bursting into tears or screaming or biting the other person's head off. My therapist had to repeat the mantra, "say how you feel and move on" literally hundreds of times before it became possible for me to *do* it out in the world. (Obviously this mantra is only for small transgressions from the other person, nothing huge, nothing truly malicious.)
The "say how you feel" part has challenges - I had to only say how I feel, not what my assessment of the situation was. "Ugh that makes me feel like shit," is my favorite now. It covers every possible negative feeling, lol, and it doesn't sound like therapy speak, and it saves me the effort of thinking of the exact right words when I'm triggered.
But MUCH more challenging is the "move on" part. For the longest time I couldn't simply move on without expecting an apology or amends or acknowledgement from the other person. I couldn't move on if they argued about it, it felt necessary to argue back and convince them, or at least insist on my own side of things just for myself.
It took a very long time for me to learn to trust in the process - the process of training the other person via sheer repetition to understand that they were making me feel like shit with their small transgressions. But it does work. They might argue (and you should never respond! just move on!) but they'll think about it in their own time and it will percolate, add up, etc. until one day the penny finally drops.
Say how you feel and move on, dubious_dude! I believe in you!
posted by MiraK at 4:12 AM on September 14, 2022 [2 favorites]
I personally needed, idk, 2 years? 3 years?? of work before I was able to consistently stand up for myself without bursting into tears or screaming or biting the other person's head off. My therapist had to repeat the mantra, "say how you feel and move on" literally hundreds of times before it became possible for me to *do* it out in the world. (Obviously this mantra is only for small transgressions from the other person, nothing huge, nothing truly malicious.)
The "say how you feel" part has challenges - I had to only say how I feel, not what my assessment of the situation was. "Ugh that makes me feel like shit," is my favorite now. It covers every possible negative feeling, lol, and it doesn't sound like therapy speak, and it saves me the effort of thinking of the exact right words when I'm triggered.
But MUCH more challenging is the "move on" part. For the longest time I couldn't simply move on without expecting an apology or amends or acknowledgement from the other person. I couldn't move on if they argued about it, it felt necessary to argue back and convince them, or at least insist on my own side of things just for myself.
It took a very long time for me to learn to trust in the process - the process of training the other person via sheer repetition to understand that they were making me feel like shit with their small transgressions. But it does work. They might argue (and you should never respond! just move on!) but they'll think about it in their own time and it will percolate, add up, etc. until one day the penny finally drops.
Say how you feel and move on, dubious_dude! I believe in you!
posted by MiraK at 4:12 AM on September 14, 2022 [2 favorites]
Hey dubious_dude, two things:
1) it took me 20 years to learn how to stand up to my dad (who is similar to your mom) in the moment - but doing it in the moment was important, because if I waited to confront, he'd forget what happened, downplay what he did, and/or get very angry at me for bringing it up with all sort of guilt tripping BS like "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU THINK I DON'T LOVE YOU!" (er, I never said anything to that effect?) or, my personal favorite because it's so absurd, "CAN'T YOU JUST ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM?!" (uh, ok, I guess I accept that you are a mean spirited asshole?). Confronting in the moment still often brings out anger in him but by standing my ground in the immediate aftermath of the shitty behavior it's hard for him to outright deny wrongdoing since I can say things like "Literally 5 minutes ago you [said cruel thing] [yelled at me in an IKEA about a floor rug] [said something insulting about your late wife/my mother in front of your girlfriend's family, all of whom were deeply uncomfortable when you did so] [etc]" and the recentness of the Thing was helpful ammunition for asking for accountability and an apology. I think that's definitely the right strategy for you going forward.
2) On a broader note, I just want to say that I am always happy to see you here asking questions because you are extremely self aware, open to feedback and suggestions, and are constantly working to improve your own areas of anxiety and how you move in the world. It inspires me to keep my attitude as open-minded and open-hearted as yours. So, I appreciate you. Just wanted you to know that. 🤗
posted by nayantara at 7:09 AM on September 14, 2022 [3 favorites]
1) it took me 20 years to learn how to stand up to my dad (who is similar to your mom) in the moment - but doing it in the moment was important, because if I waited to confront, he'd forget what happened, downplay what he did, and/or get very angry at me for bringing it up with all sort of guilt tripping BS like "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU THINK I DON'T LOVE YOU!" (er, I never said anything to that effect?) or, my personal favorite because it's so absurd, "CAN'T YOU JUST ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM?!" (uh, ok, I guess I accept that you are a mean spirited asshole?). Confronting in the moment still often brings out anger in him but by standing my ground in the immediate aftermath of the shitty behavior it's hard for him to outright deny wrongdoing since I can say things like "Literally 5 minutes ago you [said cruel thing] [yelled at me in an IKEA about a floor rug] [said something insulting about your late wife/my mother in front of your girlfriend's family, all of whom were deeply uncomfortable when you did so] [etc]" and the recentness of the Thing was helpful ammunition for asking for accountability and an apology. I think that's definitely the right strategy for you going forward.
2) On a broader note, I just want to say that I am always happy to see you here asking questions because you are extremely self aware, open to feedback and suggestions, and are constantly working to improve your own areas of anxiety and how you move in the world. It inspires me to keep my attitude as open-minded and open-hearted as yours. So, I appreciate you. Just wanted you to know that. 🤗
posted by nayantara at 7:09 AM on September 14, 2022 [3 favorites]
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I don't want to go through your entire history here so if it's happened multiple times and this is already an established pattern with her, then you can bring up the pattern without it necessarily happening again. But if it's a one-off thing so far, it's also ok to forgive the one instance but also decide you're not going to let a second instance go.
posted by lapis at 7:50 PM on September 11, 2022 [4 favorites]