How can I maintain a strong sense of self while dating?
August 28, 2022 10:37 PM Subscribe
I’m a nonbinary person with little dating experience, which I’m very self conscious about. Because dating is often so gendered and because I struggle with shame over my lack of experience, I’m finding it hard to show up on dates authentically and honestly. What are some tactics or resources (books are great!) that I can use to strengthen my ability to stay true to my own goals and desires?
First off: I’m waiting for a referral for a therapist to address these issues with.
I recently went out on a successful first date, but I surprised myself by bursting into hysterical tears once I got home. I think this was because I fell into treating the date like I was auditioning for the role of “girlfriend,” which made me feel disoriented and dysphoric when it was over. I could see the potential relationship stretched out in front of me and I did not recognize myself within it.
I’ve struggled with self-hatred in the past, and even though I’ve worked on my self-esteem significantly in other areas, dating seems to be exacerbating all those old weaknesses. I find myself hiding my interests from my dates and putting myself down reflexively. I want partnership, but I know I’m not going to find it by suppressing myself and acting how I think the other person wants me to. How can I build confidence in myself to show up authentically as the messy, imperfect, queer weirdo I am?
First off: I’m waiting for a referral for a therapist to address these issues with.
I recently went out on a successful first date, but I surprised myself by bursting into hysterical tears once I got home. I think this was because I fell into treating the date like I was auditioning for the role of “girlfriend,” which made me feel disoriented and dysphoric when it was over. I could see the potential relationship stretched out in front of me and I did not recognize myself within it.
I’ve struggled with self-hatred in the past, and even though I’ve worked on my self-esteem significantly in other areas, dating seems to be exacerbating all those old weaknesses. I find myself hiding my interests from my dates and putting myself down reflexively. I want partnership, but I know I’m not going to find it by suppressing myself and acting how I think the other person wants me to. How can I build confidence in myself to show up authentically as the messy, imperfect, queer weirdo I am?
Assuming that these first-dates are via an app (i.e. with a stranger), similar to what metasarah wrote above, I wouldn't even consider these dates, really. I think it's worth remembering that it wasn't that long ago that dates generally only happened when two people had met in real life, felt some kinda of connection, and so one of the people asked the other out. "Blind dates" were a thing, but a common trope/plot line in popular culture of people feeling anxious. Nowadays, everyone has basically consigned themselves to going on tons on "blind" dates, even if they technically have seen at least one photo of the person. This works fine for some people, but it makes a lot of people feel anxious for all sorts of reasons.
So yeah, the first date from an app isn't really a date. You make it "not a date" by not dressing up (wear whatever you normally do), avoid typical date activities (I liked going on hikes), and remind yourself that this is really just an extension of getting to know whether you want to date the other person.
In terms of self-love, I have found that doing yoga gets me out of my head, and makes my body feel good (literally - less back/shoulder pain), and this all makes me feel better about being in my body. It's not going to cure all self-loathing, but even 15min a day routine at home can make a difference.
posted by coffeecat at 7:02 AM on August 29, 2022 [1 favorite]
So yeah, the first date from an app isn't really a date. You make it "not a date" by not dressing up (wear whatever you normally do), avoid typical date activities (I liked going on hikes), and remind yourself that this is really just an extension of getting to know whether you want to date the other person.
In terms of self-love, I have found that doing yoga gets me out of my head, and makes my body feel good (literally - less back/shoulder pain), and this all makes me feel better about being in my body. It's not going to cure all self-loathing, but even 15min a day routine at home can make a difference.
posted by coffeecat at 7:02 AM on August 29, 2022 [1 favorite]
I tried to write a answer to this a few times, but I feel like it actually depends a lot on some details you haven't given:
posted by wesleyac at 7:34 AM on August 29, 2022 [2 favorites]
- How are you meeting the people you're dating?
- What genders have the people you've been dating been?
- What genders are you interested in dating?
posted by wesleyac at 7:34 AM on August 29, 2022 [2 favorites]
One of the ways I held on to myself when I was dating was to repeat to myself a little mantra as often as I needed to hear it:
I am a f#$%^&* delight. Anyone would be lucky to be with me. I am a catch.
Eventually I put something like that in my dating profile, and my now-partner has remarked that when he read what I'd written (which included literally me saying, "I am a catch") he was intrigued by the person who would have the self-confidence to say something like that on a dating site.
Make up your own little mantra, repeat it as often as you need to hear it. Borrow mine, if you like, because it's true: You are a f*&^%)# delight, anyone would be lucky to be with you, you are a catch.
posted by Medieval Maven at 7:40 AM on August 29, 2022 [8 favorites]
I am a f#$%^&* delight. Anyone would be lucky to be with me. I am a catch.
Eventually I put something like that in my dating profile, and my now-partner has remarked that when he read what I'd written (which included literally me saying, "I am a catch") he was intrigued by the person who would have the self-confidence to say something like that on a dating site.
Make up your own little mantra, repeat it as often as you need to hear it. Borrow mine, if you like, because it's true: You are a f*&^%)# delight, anyone would be lucky to be with you, you are a catch.
posted by Medieval Maven at 7:40 AM on August 29, 2022 [8 favorites]
Some of this is what you bring (so to speak) to a date, but some of the dynamic can also be what the other person brings/is used to/expecting. I went on some dates with someone who subconsciously seemed to be wanting me to be a foil for his masculinity or maleness (big nope--I'm a woman, but I'm a butch woman.) He was queer, queer people can be prone to this too! Or in some cases, enjoy it--which is fine as long as the dynamic is what both people want!
This is one reason I like dating people with a similar gender to mine--it's easier for me not to fall into a gendered dynamic I don't like.
posted by needs more cowbell at 9:43 AM on August 29, 2022
This is one reason I like dating people with a similar gender to mine--it's easier for me not to fall into a gendered dynamic I don't like.
posted by needs more cowbell at 9:43 AM on August 29, 2022
Dating can be traumatic/identity-challenging for people without a great deal of dating experience, especially if you are young and kind of still figuring out who you are on your own, much less introducing the chaos of someone else with their own issues into the mix. You are approaching this smartly by seeking professional help. Sometimes half the battle is recognizing the issue.
Would it help to meditate on what you want? I found that I was reacting to the other person (do they like me, am I doing this right, etc.) rather than figuring out what I wanted and whether this person was someone I liked. I think that caused me unnecessary stress.
How do you want things to progress? Do you want a friend first and see how things go or do you want to be on the same page from the get-go that this is a date? Do you just want to meet a bunch of people?
Unfortunately, dating is a numbers game and is a lot of work. Give yourself the breaks you need from dating so you can come back strong and not give up. Your person is out there somewhere. Good luck!
posted by *s at 9:58 AM on August 29, 2022
Would it help to meditate on what you want? I found that I was reacting to the other person (do they like me, am I doing this right, etc.) rather than figuring out what I wanted and whether this person was someone I liked. I think that caused me unnecessary stress.
How do you want things to progress? Do you want a friend first and see how things go or do you want to be on the same page from the get-go that this is a date? Do you just want to meet a bunch of people?
Unfortunately, dating is a numbers game and is a lot of work. Give yourself the breaks you need from dating so you can come back strong and not give up. Your person is out there somewhere. Good luck!
posted by *s at 9:58 AM on August 29, 2022
treating the date like I was auditioning for the role of “girlfriend,”
This may or may not be helpful for you, but... Stories are important. Most of the dating narratives we're exposed to are very entrenched in the gender binary, and it's easy to reenact them because we don't have good alternatives.
There's probably a lot of ways to address it, but my approach to this sort of thing is to read fiction that has the narrative I want. In your case, stories about a nonbinary person dating without ending up in a binary-coded gender role. A couple things I've read recently that would fall into that category include Symptoms of Being Human by Jeff Garvin (genderfluid teen protagonist) and Love & Other Disasters by Anita Kelly (romance novel with a nonbinary main character).
posted by sibilatorix at 11:52 AM on August 29, 2022
This may or may not be helpful for you, but... Stories are important. Most of the dating narratives we're exposed to are very entrenched in the gender binary, and it's easy to reenact them because we don't have good alternatives.
There's probably a lot of ways to address it, but my approach to this sort of thing is to read fiction that has the narrative I want. In your case, stories about a nonbinary person dating without ending up in a binary-coded gender role. A couple things I've read recently that would fall into that category include Symptoms of Being Human by Jeff Garvin (genderfluid teen protagonist) and Love & Other Disasters by Anita Kelly (romance novel with a nonbinary main character).
posted by sibilatorix at 11:52 AM on August 29, 2022
I could see the potential relationship stretched out in front of me and I did not recognize myself within it.
The person you are right now in time resulted from many things, some out of your control and some as a result of decisions you made, big ones and small ones. Being in a relationship is a decision that you make. It is in your control.
Dating can sometimes feel like a looming existential disaster. By definition, if you are dating, and looking for a relationship, there is a part of your future that is radically undefined as yet, which can be radically freeing but also terribly frightening in the same way that all moments of existential dread are frightening. When you go on a date when looking for a relationship, you are telling yourself the very first words of what is a potential life story. It is a “once upon a time” moment and the time is now. Your potential life story is fluid when you are dating. Each person dated represents a future for yourself that could be radically different. This is a fact, and it is helpful to recognize that each first date is just this: a pretty heavy existential moment. It’s ok to feel it and think: whoa!
But you have your bearings. Because what will always be in your future is you. You can count on yourself. A relationship stretched out in front of you that you don’t see yourself within is, well, not a relationship that you are in. That doesn’t mean your identity has drowned within it and you are no longer yourself, it just means that it doesn’t even exist yet. Because you haven’t made that choice.
It can be anxiety-inducing to know that you will have to make such a choice at the right time in the future for yourself, if you want to be in a relationship. But it seems like your biggest anxiety is that you will fall into a relationship without even making a choice, or be bestowed with a role to play like an actress that you don’t even want, and lose yourself completely. You won’t.
It is normal when dating to wonder “who is this person?,” “is this the right person for me?,” “how can I tell”? - and to ask that both about yourself and the person you are with on the date. The entire moment is existentially loaded.
The good news is that it is entirely within your control to end the story that starts spinning on any date simply by saying “the end”: there is no relationship unwinding into the future in which you have become utterly lost to yourself. There is only you, walking forward, one step at a time, carefully and sometimes anxiously and bravely navigating the story you are right now, in this moment, in.
It is terrifying, wonderful, frightening, and sublime. But you will always be there with yourself.
posted by desert exile at 12:16 PM on August 29, 2022 [4 favorites]
The person you are right now in time resulted from many things, some out of your control and some as a result of decisions you made, big ones and small ones. Being in a relationship is a decision that you make. It is in your control.
Dating can sometimes feel like a looming existential disaster. By definition, if you are dating, and looking for a relationship, there is a part of your future that is radically undefined as yet, which can be radically freeing but also terribly frightening in the same way that all moments of existential dread are frightening. When you go on a date when looking for a relationship, you are telling yourself the very first words of what is a potential life story. It is a “once upon a time” moment and the time is now. Your potential life story is fluid when you are dating. Each person dated represents a future for yourself that could be radically different. This is a fact, and it is helpful to recognize that each first date is just this: a pretty heavy existential moment. It’s ok to feel it and think: whoa!
But you have your bearings. Because what will always be in your future is you. You can count on yourself. A relationship stretched out in front of you that you don’t see yourself within is, well, not a relationship that you are in. That doesn’t mean your identity has drowned within it and you are no longer yourself, it just means that it doesn’t even exist yet. Because you haven’t made that choice.
It can be anxiety-inducing to know that you will have to make such a choice at the right time in the future for yourself, if you want to be in a relationship. But it seems like your biggest anxiety is that you will fall into a relationship without even making a choice, or be bestowed with a role to play like an actress that you don’t even want, and lose yourself completely. You won’t.
It is normal when dating to wonder “who is this person?,” “is this the right person for me?,” “how can I tell”? - and to ask that both about yourself and the person you are with on the date. The entire moment is existentially loaded.
The good news is that it is entirely within your control to end the story that starts spinning on any date simply by saying “the end”: there is no relationship unwinding into the future in which you have become utterly lost to yourself. There is only you, walking forward, one step at a time, carefully and sometimes anxiously and bravely navigating the story you are right now, in this moment, in.
It is terrifying, wonderful, frightening, and sublime. But you will always be there with yourself.
posted by desert exile at 12:16 PM on August 29, 2022 [4 favorites]
I’m curious whether this date was with a cis person. If so, at least initially in your dating journey you might want to consider specifically seeking out dates with other nonbinary or trans people, because they’re more likely to get it. I’m cis, but this has been the experience of my nb friends. As another data point, on queer dating apps like Lex I very often see posts that are specifically nb for nb or trans for trans - it’s totally a thing.
posted by showbiz_liz at 2:47 PM on August 29, 2022
posted by showbiz_liz at 2:47 PM on August 29, 2022
I think it's helpful to know that the research on dating apps shows that they make everyone feel a bit crap. It's not just you, it'll be the people you date too.
I try to approach dating through the lens of "let me just find out if I'd like to have another date with this person" and "if it's not fun, it's time to take a break". Most people are on and off the apps all the time. It can also be helpful to use your bio and pics to show some of the things that the right person/people would like about you and the wrong person/people would be turned off by, so you've already filtered down a bit, and the people you meet are more likely to both bring out and appreciate the YOU things.
None of this is NB specific advice but as a straight cis woman who doesn't fit neatly into gender expectations or relationship goals, it helps me stay calmer.
posted by Chrysalis at 4:23 PM on August 29, 2022
I try to approach dating through the lens of "let me just find out if I'd like to have another date with this person" and "if it's not fun, it's time to take a break". Most people are on and off the apps all the time. It can also be helpful to use your bio and pics to show some of the things that the right person/people would like about you and the wrong person/people would be turned off by, so you've already filtered down a bit, and the people you meet are more likely to both bring out and appreciate the YOU things.
None of this is NB specific advice but as a straight cis woman who doesn't fit neatly into gender expectations or relationship goals, it helps me stay calmer.
posted by Chrysalis at 4:23 PM on August 29, 2022
Response by poster: How are you meeting the people you're dating?
What genders have the people you've been dating been?
What genders are you interested in dating?
Sorry for leaving details out. I was trying to be succinct, but there is also a lot of shame bound up in the reactions I’ve been having, since it represents a lot of internalized junk that I *know* is not right, but affects me nonetheless.
I’m meeting the people I’ve seen via apps. We’ve been starting with coffee dates.
So far, I’ve been on a date with an AFAB nonbinary person and a trans woman. Both increased my dysphoria in different ways. I felt I was not “enby enough” as compared to my nonbinary date, who had a much more typically androgynous gender presentation. With my other date, I think we accidentally fell into some birth-assigned gender patterns, e.g. I had been looking forward to paying because I was the one to suggest the date, but she paid for me instead, offered to carry things for me, etc. We talked about gender only very obliquely, and then only hers, which sort of left me feeling like I was coming across as a cis girl.
Obviously there is a lot of gnarly psychological stuff going on in my reactions here, which is why I’m looking for a therapist. She was polite and kind and it feels awful that my brain took that consideration and spun it into something dysphoria-inducing.
Right now I am only chatting with women and nonbinary folks. I am attracted to men as well, but tend to become a more deferential, traditionally feminine version of myself around them in order to gain approval, so instead I just… avoid them. My fear is what I’m experiencing right now would be dialed up to eleven if I were seeing dudes.
I had not anticipated that talking to other queer/nonbinary/trans folks would dredge up so much baggage for me, but it has. Some lesbians seem to assume I am a lesbian, some enbies elicit gender envy in me, etc. It seems that any attempt to be attractive to others has me falling back on patterns of dressing and acting that feel very gendered and inauthentic for me. (In this instance, that’s presenting femme. In the past, I’ve become equally exhausted and disillusioned trying to be perceived as masculine or androgynous. For me, in a perfect world, I would not have to contemplate my gender presentation or what other people make of it at all.)
posted by ceramicspaniel at 9:41 PM on August 29, 2022 [2 favorites]
What genders have the people you've been dating been?
What genders are you interested in dating?
Sorry for leaving details out. I was trying to be succinct, but there is also a lot of shame bound up in the reactions I’ve been having, since it represents a lot of internalized junk that I *know* is not right, but affects me nonetheless.
I’m meeting the people I’ve seen via apps. We’ve been starting with coffee dates.
So far, I’ve been on a date with an AFAB nonbinary person and a trans woman. Both increased my dysphoria in different ways. I felt I was not “enby enough” as compared to my nonbinary date, who had a much more typically androgynous gender presentation. With my other date, I think we accidentally fell into some birth-assigned gender patterns, e.g. I had been looking forward to paying because I was the one to suggest the date, but she paid for me instead, offered to carry things for me, etc. We talked about gender only very obliquely, and then only hers, which sort of left me feeling like I was coming across as a cis girl.
Obviously there is a lot of gnarly psychological stuff going on in my reactions here, which is why I’m looking for a therapist. She was polite and kind and it feels awful that my brain took that consideration and spun it into something dysphoria-inducing.
Right now I am only chatting with women and nonbinary folks. I am attracted to men as well, but tend to become a more deferential, traditionally feminine version of myself around them in order to gain approval, so instead I just… avoid them. My fear is what I’m experiencing right now would be dialed up to eleven if I were seeing dudes.
I had not anticipated that talking to other queer/nonbinary/trans folks would dredge up so much baggage for me, but it has. Some lesbians seem to assume I am a lesbian, some enbies elicit gender envy in me, etc. It seems that any attempt to be attractive to others has me falling back on patterns of dressing and acting that feel very gendered and inauthentic for me. (In this instance, that’s presenting femme. In the past, I’ve become equally exhausted and disillusioned trying to be perceived as masculine or androgynous. For me, in a perfect world, I would not have to contemplate my gender presentation or what other people make of it at all.)
posted by ceramicspaniel at 9:41 PM on August 29, 2022 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Is it possible for you to mentally reframe dates as "getting to know someone new" without having any expectations of what might come from it?
There is a lot of social pressure for romantic relationships to look a certain way, but trying to remove yourself from those ideas will be good for you. Instead of envisioning fitting yourself into some mold, you can stay open and curious and build something customized to work well for you both. Possibly looking at the sorts of nontraditional relationships other people have might help you imagine finding a partner who will enhance your life rather than make it smaller?
If you're meeting people via apps, that can be psychologically exhausting and self-esteem destroying, so if they are the best way for you to meet people (I well know how hard it is to meet people in real life), try to be conscious of that so you can more easily reject those feelings.
posted by metasarah at 6:24 AM on August 29, 2022 [1 favorite]