Optimism comes before a fall
August 2, 2022 10:34 AM Subscribe
How do you maintain the proper balance between 'optimism' and 'getting your hopes too high'?
I'm in a difficult situation currently, family health-wise. I'm feeling very depressed and stressed out about it.
One thing that keeps happening is that I'll speak to doctors, they'll sound upbeat and positive so it makes me feel happy and positive, and then my family member will suffer a setback or it will become obvious in some way that things are not going as well as I had understood, and then I suffer a violent disappointment. When that happens I can't eat or sleep, and my ability to support and advocate for my family is affected.
There is a cultural context to this in that doctors in this country (my country of origin, but not the country I've been living in for the last 20 years) have a mode of communication that is different to what I am used to. They use rather imprecise language, and will avoid specifics unless pressed. Also my knowledge of my mother-tongue isn't as good as it used to be after 20 years of living abroad, and the doctors talk fast and use technical terms that I do not always understand.
Managing my own emotions against the background of a difficult, exhausting and stressful family situation is just another problem I do not need right now. I am already struggling to maintain boundaries and stop feeling/acting like I can swoop in and save everyone.
I find it impossible not to hope that everything will be ok, but when things don't turn out that way it is just so disheartening. But if I am feeling pessimistic and awful, it all seems hopeless and anxiety-inducing anyway, so that doesn't seem like a great approach either!
I would describe myself as a positive and hopeful person generally and for the most part I find this an ok approach to life, but with health matters, it really doesn't matter how I feel, the chips will fall where they fall and I just have to deal with it. It would just be easier if I could make my feelings smaller.
Any advice on how to do this?
I'm in a difficult situation currently, family health-wise. I'm feeling very depressed and stressed out about it.
One thing that keeps happening is that I'll speak to doctors, they'll sound upbeat and positive so it makes me feel happy and positive, and then my family member will suffer a setback or it will become obvious in some way that things are not going as well as I had understood, and then I suffer a violent disappointment. When that happens I can't eat or sleep, and my ability to support and advocate for my family is affected.
There is a cultural context to this in that doctors in this country (my country of origin, but not the country I've been living in for the last 20 years) have a mode of communication that is different to what I am used to. They use rather imprecise language, and will avoid specifics unless pressed. Also my knowledge of my mother-tongue isn't as good as it used to be after 20 years of living abroad, and the doctors talk fast and use technical terms that I do not always understand.
Managing my own emotions against the background of a difficult, exhausting and stressful family situation is just another problem I do not need right now. I am already struggling to maintain boundaries and stop feeling/acting like I can swoop in and save everyone.
I find it impossible not to hope that everything will be ok, but when things don't turn out that way it is just so disheartening. But if I am feeling pessimistic and awful, it all seems hopeless and anxiety-inducing anyway, so that doesn't seem like a great approach either!
I would describe myself as a positive and hopeful person generally and for the most part I find this an ok approach to life, but with health matters, it really doesn't matter how I feel, the chips will fall where they fall and I just have to deal with it. It would just be easier if I could make my feelings smaller.
Any advice on how to do this?
For me, it was getting out of the either/or thinking and embracing the “and” — and feeling both with equal power and clarity. Yes, it looks bad AND there is some hope. Both are equally true, and once I can hold both in my thoughts and body at the same time— I feel peaceful.
The other thing I do when I’m caught in this space is to not make my feelings smaller, but to make my focus smaller. That, for me, is worth a little extra effort to achieve. For example, right now, my focus and statement of gratitude is “Today, I have a roof over my head, a bed that I find comfortable; I have food to eat if I get hungry, and there are people who will take my calls if I feel alone or afraid.” Micro focus helps me a lot.
posted by Silvery Fish at 11:06 AM on August 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
The other thing I do when I’m caught in this space is to not make my feelings smaller, but to make my focus smaller. That, for me, is worth a little extra effort to achieve. For example, right now, my focus and statement of gratitude is “Today, I have a roof over my head, a bed that I find comfortable; I have food to eat if I get hungry, and there are people who will take my calls if I feel alone or afraid.” Micro focus helps me a lot.
posted by Silvery Fish at 11:06 AM on August 2, 2022 [5 favorites]
Best answer: My only advice is what I just told my family member, who has really bad cancer and is actually going to die some time in the next, I don't know, anywhere from one day to six months, which is "You have no idea what is going to happen. Don't try to predict the future. All I know is in half an hour you have to take a pill."
posted by Peach at 11:44 AM on August 2, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by Peach at 11:44 AM on August 2, 2022 [6 favorites]
Best answer: I don’t have much advice about the emotional part, but from a practical standpoint: is there anyone fluent in your mother tongue who might be able to accompany you to these visits? And help ask clarifying questions of the doctors or either help push for more straight talk about the situation or help you understand what’s being said between the lines? If the window between hope and despair gets a little narrower it might be easier to manage.
posted by stellaluna at 11:51 AM on August 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by stellaluna at 11:51 AM on August 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I would describe myself as a positive and hopeful person generally and for the most part I find this an ok approach to life, but with health matters, it really doesn't matter how I feel, the chips will fall where they fall and I just have to deal with it. It would just be easier if I could make my feelings smaller.
So, one way to think about this is that it almost NEVER matters how you feel; all chips always fall wherever they will. It's just that normally, the stakes feel lower. These kinds of situations are upsetting because they remind us that we actually don't have much control over anything at all--we just pretend to.
The reason you feel that you can't apply optimism and positivity to this situation is that you're mistakenly tying them to outcomes. The key is to apply them to process. You can feel optimistic that your relative will continue to get the care they need and people will work to help them along the way. You can feel positive that no matter what happens next, you will survive and be able to cope and adapt. You can be optimistic that no situation, however terrifying or upsetting, is truly permanent.
In truth though these things are simply hard, because being a human is hard and sad. Much of our suffering in this life comes from real, hard, sad things. But a fair bit of it also comes from our floundering around in an attempt to never feel hard, or sad, or upset. That second part is the only part you can control; feel your feelings with the optimism that you are strong enough to feel them and live.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:04 PM on August 2, 2022 [7 favorites]
So, one way to think about this is that it almost NEVER matters how you feel; all chips always fall wherever they will. It's just that normally, the stakes feel lower. These kinds of situations are upsetting because they remind us that we actually don't have much control over anything at all--we just pretend to.
The reason you feel that you can't apply optimism and positivity to this situation is that you're mistakenly tying them to outcomes. The key is to apply them to process. You can feel optimistic that your relative will continue to get the care they need and people will work to help them along the way. You can feel positive that no matter what happens next, you will survive and be able to cope and adapt. You can be optimistic that no situation, however terrifying or upsetting, is truly permanent.
In truth though these things are simply hard, because being a human is hard and sad. Much of our suffering in this life comes from real, hard, sad things. But a fair bit of it also comes from our floundering around in an attempt to never feel hard, or sad, or upset. That second part is the only part you can control; feel your feelings with the optimism that you are strong enough to feel them and live.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:04 PM on August 2, 2022 [7 favorites]
"Don't get your hopes up!" is my family motto.
I've attempted to rewrite it after years of therapy, and recently a trusted person in my life offered up this instead:
"Hope for the best."
It feels much more realistic and accessible, while incorporating my desire for modest optimism.
posted by Juniper Toast at 1:19 PM on August 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
I've attempted to rewrite it after years of therapy, and recently a trusted person in my life offered up this instead:
"Hope for the best."
It feels much more realistic and accessible, while incorporating my desire for modest optimism.
posted by Juniper Toast at 1:19 PM on August 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
I think it's important to remember that Medical Professionals don't have crystal balls either. At best doctors know a lot but not all the things.
I can't speak to cultural nuances, but it's possible that doctors may be more comfortable answering certain questions over others. For instance, what symptoms/ side effects should the family look out for and notify the doctor's office about? What constitutes an emergency? How will we measure how well the treatment is working or when the diagnoses has progressed to the next stage? I know it can be difficult to predict the prognosis for one person, but can you share the worst and best case prognoses for someone with a similar profile as my mother? Which treatment option would you advise a loved one to do in this situation? (Not so good... doc, how much time does my mother have left?).
posted by oceano at 2:06 PM on August 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
I can't speak to cultural nuances, but it's possible that doctors may be more comfortable answering certain questions over others. For instance, what symptoms/ side effects should the family look out for and notify the doctor's office about? What constitutes an emergency? How will we measure how well the treatment is working or when the diagnoses has progressed to the next stage? I know it can be difficult to predict the prognosis for one person, but can you share the worst and best case prognoses for someone with a similar profile as my mother? Which treatment option would you advise a loved one to do in this situation? (Not so good... doc, how much time does my mother have left?).
posted by oceano at 2:06 PM on August 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
"Keep your hopes high and your expectations low."
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 3:34 PM on August 2, 2022
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 3:34 PM on August 2, 2022
To add to stellaluna’s suggestion about focus: if you are a “visual” person, picture your frontal lobe as a computer screen with too many open tabs. Then combine and minimize to a corner of the screen. But keep it open and check as needed.
posted by mmiddle at 2:30 AM on August 3, 2022
posted by mmiddle at 2:30 AM on August 3, 2022
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My advice is you need someone to talk to, just to tell them what's going on and how you feel about it. If there's nobody around to talk to, get yourself a cheap notebook and scribble it all down.
As for dealing with the health ups and downs of the people around you. It helps me to consider that this is what life on the planet earth is like for humans. We try to keep each other alive until we can't anymore. That's what we're here to do. For ants & bees, it's different, but we're not them. Doing what you're doing for your family right now is exactly what you're supposed to be doing and their progress & setbacks are what they are supposed to be doing. The doctors trying to get them through it are doing what they're supposed to be doing. Everything is proceeding as it should. Take a deep breath.
posted by bleep at 10:49 AM on August 2, 2022 [5 favorites]