Was yelled at in a borderline abusive manner. Not okay, what to do?
July 20, 2022 7:19 PM Subscribe
My mom yelled at me for a micro-second today, which in general context, might not be that big of a deal. However, it triggered something very deeply dark and traumatic in me, to the point where I do not feel safe. This is one situation of a few that has been building up. How do I salvage the rest of my vacation, or should I cut the vacation short?
I've been visiting my family for my vacation, and staying with my parents at their house. I had some struggles with my mom at my last visit, but managed to get through it.
I figured since it was summer and COVID was down, that she'd be better. She was, in some ways, but in some other ways, no. I found her to be quite crotchety, kind of hard to be with for extended periods of time (she would complain about stuff, such as traffic patterns or an overcrowded beach), and just would be kind of unpleasant. However, in other ways, she was pretty pleasant and fun to be with. It's been up and down.
Today, she was particularly cranky for some reason, and as we were going to a gated community to drop me off/do an errand, she was frustrated because the gate security agent wouldn't allow us in, as there was some kind of system malfunction, so we had to tell the person letting us in to call them to let us in. I was already feeling anxious, because she was cranky and kind of in 'ranting mode'. When I got my phone out to show her the number of the person, my fingers were shaking from anxiety and I tapped the number to make it bigger and easier for my mom to see. For some reason, it kept taking us to a list of contacts, vs. the actual proper contact (I suspect an iOS glitch), and it didn't help that my fingers were shaking. She, in front of the agent, actually yelled at me in a very angry and mean way, to stop doing that. I was completely taken aback and very hurt, embarrassed, and just completely caught off guard. I was doing the best I could in the situation, and the way she yelled at me took me back to a very dark place, a place of trauma. I felt completely unsafe with her. When the security situation finally got itself figured out, and I was able to leave the car to do what I needed to do, I did. I kept very quiet and did not engage with her. When I met with the people I was meeting, away from her, I felt immediately better and much safer.
This was a very dark and traumatic moment for me. I acknowledge the situation was stressful for my mom, but she had no right to treat me that way. It's fine to be stressed, it's okay to have moments, but I know my worth, and I know I do not deserve to be treated that way. There were so many ways the situation could have been handled better, on both ends, but I felt she used me as a punching bag, as someone who she could just yell at, or rant, or even control.
This is not okay. I acknowledge as well that my anxiety right now could possibly be the loudest voice in the room here, and it's possible, given my reputation here, that I might be overreacting a bit, but the fact stands that I do not feel safe right now, especially after the way she yelled at me over something I could not control and when I was trying the darnedest best I could with what I had at the moment, even if I didn't do it perfectly.
I'm not sure if talking to her would do any good; she tends to get defensive and doesn't really tend to be amenable. I'm seriously thinking about just cutting the vacation short and going NC here, because I can't stomach what happened. However, another voice is telling me that it was a micro-situation, and that it's possible she didn't know what she was doing, or to the extent of how hurtful it was for me. It's really hard. I don't know what to do. When I got back to their house, no apology or acknowledgment of the situation was made.
I do acknowledge that what happened was a little thing, but it really wasn't for me. It was deeply traumatic and hit a really bad/raw nerve of some kind.
I love my mom, I do. She was a great mom — not perfect, but who is? However, we have had our complications (for a long time), and I guess I'm just fed up. I'm tired of hearing her complain about everything under the sun, I'm tired of being yelled at or being scolded over stuff. She's a great mom and grandma to my nephew, but it's just enough, and I think today was the last straw. I'm just tired, I'm tired of not being enough for her and I'm tired of feeling like I'm walking on eggshells with her when she's in one of her moods. I'm honestly just tired, and I have no idea what to do. I also feel very sad — during the visit, there were little things made me realize how incompatible with my family I felt. I'm the only one Deaf and the only one living outside the town we live in. I've always felt different from my immediate family, but I truly feel very different now, and I honestly don't know if it's repairable. This might be my anxiety/sadness talking right now, but that's my current feeling.
What would your recommendation be? Cutting the vacation short would be a drastic move, and this might propel her to say I'm being "overdramatic" and cause bad feelings all across the board. Staying with someone else might be awkward as well, and I don't want conflict/awkwardness. And I don't want to look back on this years later and think "oh wow, you left just over one stressful moment that your mom yelled at you?" but this was not okay. I know my worth, and I deserve better. I kind of feel I'm in a lose-lose situation.
BTW, for those wondering with my last post, so far, no problems. Taking the P & D medicines helped, but they caused constipation, so I stopped, and been fine so far. Knock on wood.
I've been visiting my family for my vacation, and staying with my parents at their house. I had some struggles with my mom at my last visit, but managed to get through it.
I figured since it was summer and COVID was down, that she'd be better. She was, in some ways, but in some other ways, no. I found her to be quite crotchety, kind of hard to be with for extended periods of time (she would complain about stuff, such as traffic patterns or an overcrowded beach), and just would be kind of unpleasant. However, in other ways, she was pretty pleasant and fun to be with. It's been up and down.
Today, she was particularly cranky for some reason, and as we were going to a gated community to drop me off/do an errand, she was frustrated because the gate security agent wouldn't allow us in, as there was some kind of system malfunction, so we had to tell the person letting us in to call them to let us in. I was already feeling anxious, because she was cranky and kind of in 'ranting mode'. When I got my phone out to show her the number of the person, my fingers were shaking from anxiety and I tapped the number to make it bigger and easier for my mom to see. For some reason, it kept taking us to a list of contacts, vs. the actual proper contact (I suspect an iOS glitch), and it didn't help that my fingers were shaking. She, in front of the agent, actually yelled at me in a very angry and mean way, to stop doing that. I was completely taken aback and very hurt, embarrassed, and just completely caught off guard. I was doing the best I could in the situation, and the way she yelled at me took me back to a very dark place, a place of trauma. I felt completely unsafe with her. When the security situation finally got itself figured out, and I was able to leave the car to do what I needed to do, I did. I kept very quiet and did not engage with her. When I met with the people I was meeting, away from her, I felt immediately better and much safer.
This was a very dark and traumatic moment for me. I acknowledge the situation was stressful for my mom, but she had no right to treat me that way. It's fine to be stressed, it's okay to have moments, but I know my worth, and I know I do not deserve to be treated that way. There were so many ways the situation could have been handled better, on both ends, but I felt she used me as a punching bag, as someone who she could just yell at, or rant, or even control.
This is not okay. I acknowledge as well that my anxiety right now could possibly be the loudest voice in the room here, and it's possible, given my reputation here, that I might be overreacting a bit, but the fact stands that I do not feel safe right now, especially after the way she yelled at me over something I could not control and when I was trying the darnedest best I could with what I had at the moment, even if I didn't do it perfectly.
I'm not sure if talking to her would do any good; she tends to get defensive and doesn't really tend to be amenable. I'm seriously thinking about just cutting the vacation short and going NC here, because I can't stomach what happened. However, another voice is telling me that it was a micro-situation, and that it's possible she didn't know what she was doing, or to the extent of how hurtful it was for me. It's really hard. I don't know what to do. When I got back to their house, no apology or acknowledgment of the situation was made.
I do acknowledge that what happened was a little thing, but it really wasn't for me. It was deeply traumatic and hit a really bad/raw nerve of some kind.
I love my mom, I do. She was a great mom — not perfect, but who is? However, we have had our complications (for a long time), and I guess I'm just fed up. I'm tired of hearing her complain about everything under the sun, I'm tired of being yelled at or being scolded over stuff. She's a great mom and grandma to my nephew, but it's just enough, and I think today was the last straw. I'm just tired, I'm tired of not being enough for her and I'm tired of feeling like I'm walking on eggshells with her when she's in one of her moods. I'm honestly just tired, and I have no idea what to do. I also feel very sad — during the visit, there were little things made me realize how incompatible with my family I felt. I'm the only one Deaf and the only one living outside the town we live in. I've always felt different from my immediate family, but I truly feel very different now, and I honestly don't know if it's repairable. This might be my anxiety/sadness talking right now, but that's my current feeling.
What would your recommendation be? Cutting the vacation short would be a drastic move, and this might propel her to say I'm being "overdramatic" and cause bad feelings all across the board. Staying with someone else might be awkward as well, and I don't want conflict/awkwardness. And I don't want to look back on this years later and think "oh wow, you left just over one stressful moment that your mom yelled at you?" but this was not okay. I know my worth, and I deserve better. I kind of feel I'm in a lose-lose situation.
BTW, for those wondering with my last post, so far, no problems. Taking the P & D medicines helped, but they caused constipation, so I stopped, and been fine so far. Knock on wood.
A middle ground solution is you could institute daily solo time while you're there, take a one day trip by yourself, and otherwise create more space so you both have breaks from each other without your leaving completely. Recently when I visited a challenging family members, my therapist advised me to limit my activities with her to like, a few hours a day. I didn't quite pull that off, but I could usually cut off the interaction at about 6 hours, and I took one all day driving trip by myself, and those spaces really helped make our time together better and easier.
From your description I would experience the interactions you describe as something hurtful, irritating, but within normal range of interaction for family members. But my reaction doesn't matter; you're the one experiencing it.
My advice is to create some space. Don't necessarily process it in the heat of the emotion, but maybe think about what specific thing you might want to talk to her about after a little time has passed and you have moved through your fight/flight/freeze response. Maybe talk about it a little. Don't expect her to change drastically, but maybe there are a couple behaviors she could shift on, or maybe you just want to be heard?
This all depends on your own values, priority, history. Just some reflection from an outsider.
posted by latkes at 8:06 PM on July 20, 2022 [5 favorites]
From your description I would experience the interactions you describe as something hurtful, irritating, but within normal range of interaction for family members. But my reaction doesn't matter; you're the one experiencing it.
My advice is to create some space. Don't necessarily process it in the heat of the emotion, but maybe think about what specific thing you might want to talk to her about after a little time has passed and you have moved through your fight/flight/freeze response. Maybe talk about it a little. Don't expect her to change drastically, but maybe there are a couple behaviors she could shift on, or maybe you just want to be heard?
This all depends on your own values, priority, history. Just some reflection from an outsider.
posted by latkes at 8:06 PM on July 20, 2022 [5 favorites]
What if you said,
"Mom, yesterday you yelled at me in front of the security agent when I was trying to show the phone number. It was disrespectful, infantilizing, uncalled for, and rude, and it hurt my feelings and made me angry. It made me feel hurt, anxious, angry and embarrassed and reminded me of times in my childhood when I was bullied. I need you to know that it's not ok for you to snap at me or yell at me. Today I need a little bit of distance to cool off, so I'm going to walk around and explore today, I will be back to sleep here tonight but let's not communicate before then, I need some time apart to calm down."
I don't think she will apologize based on how you've described her. She might defend herself. In that case I would say something like "I don't want to talk about this right now; I'm angry, so I'd like some space to cool off. We can talk later, bye."
If she backs down you can stay, if she escalates it again, you can leave... just call out the problem and give yourself some space to cool off.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:42 PM on July 20, 2022 [13 favorites]
"Mom, yesterday you yelled at me in front of the security agent when I was trying to show the phone number. It was disrespectful, infantilizing, uncalled for, and rude, and it hurt my feelings and made me angry. It made me feel hurt, anxious, angry and embarrassed and reminded me of times in my childhood when I was bullied. I need you to know that it's not ok for you to snap at me or yell at me. Today I need a little bit of distance to cool off, so I'm going to walk around and explore today, I will be back to sleep here tonight but let's not communicate before then, I need some time apart to calm down."
I don't think she will apologize based on how you've described her. She might defend herself. In that case I would say something like "I don't want to talk about this right now; I'm angry, so I'd like some space to cool off. We can talk later, bye."
If she backs down you can stay, if she escalates it again, you can leave... just call out the problem and give yourself some space to cool off.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:42 PM on July 20, 2022 [13 favorites]
Just because it's possible that the pain you felt in that moment might be as a result of your own stuff (anxiety, past trauma, exhaustion, etc) doesn't mean it's not valid.
Don't dismiss your reaction because it might be because of your own stuff rather than your mother being objectively in the wrong.
You don't have to prioritise the opinions of your mom/imaginary other people /your future self over your own opinion. You have the right to be upset about something.
That incident hurt you. Just because your mom, other people, or your future self might not understand why doesn't make that untrue.
Whatever you decide to do, it's not an irrevocable decision for the rest of your life. You can keep adjusting your strategy with your mom to suit your needs, as those change.
This does sound a lot like anxiety, and maybe if you find a way to ease that anxiety your mom would seem more bearable, but that's not where you are right now and that's OK.
posted by Zumbador at 9:12 PM on July 20, 2022 [10 favorites]
Don't dismiss your reaction because it might be because of your own stuff rather than your mother being objectively in the wrong.
You don't have to prioritise the opinions of your mom/imaginary other people /your future self over your own opinion. You have the right to be upset about something.
That incident hurt you. Just because your mom, other people, or your future self might not understand why doesn't make that untrue.
Whatever you decide to do, it's not an irrevocable decision for the rest of your life. You can keep adjusting your strategy with your mom to suit your needs, as those change.
This does sound a lot like anxiety, and maybe if you find a way to ease that anxiety your mom would seem more bearable, but that's not where you are right now and that's OK.
posted by Zumbador at 9:12 PM on July 20, 2022 [10 favorites]
Would it be possible to think of leaving with lower stakes? If you were experiencing some purely physical kind of discomfort that you only feel at your parents’ house, I would hope you wouldn’t force yourself to stay - for a bizarro example, if you suddenly had an intense headache and your parents lived right next to a construction site, I hope you wouldn’t force yourself to get through the visit, but would say, “I’m not feeling well, and heading home would help me feel better.”
If you think your mother would badger you if you told her in advance, you could just go ahead and make arrangements to leave, pack your things, call a cab, and when it arrives, tell your mom you love her, and leave. If your mom says, “But why???!?”… you could say, “I’m not feeling well, and heading home will help me feel better.”
That could leave you time to figure out what you want going forward from the comfort of your own home, and the wisdom of distance. It also focuses the decision on a really positive value: a way to take care of yourself, rather than as a signal of your disapproval or a method for punishing your mom’s unkind behavior. I hope you find some space and security soon.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 10:19 PM on July 20, 2022 [7 favorites]
If you think your mother would badger you if you told her in advance, you could just go ahead and make arrangements to leave, pack your things, call a cab, and when it arrives, tell your mom you love her, and leave. If your mom says, “But why???!?”… you could say, “I’m not feeling well, and heading home will help me feel better.”
That could leave you time to figure out what you want going forward from the comfort of your own home, and the wisdom of distance. It also focuses the decision on a really positive value: a way to take care of yourself, rather than as a signal of your disapproval or a method for punishing your mom’s unkind behavior. I hope you find some space and security soon.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 10:19 PM on July 20, 2022 [7 favorites]
I relate to this in a lot of ways. First I would strike "micro" and "little thing" from your vocabulary. Don't minimize it. She yelled at you in front of someone else, humiliating you, belittling you, made you feel small, powerless, voiceless... It was abusive. Maybe that's a strong word, and saying that she was abusive doesn't make her a bad person, but maybe someone you shouldn't be around. I can totally understand being triggered and being sent back to a bad place and feeling unsafe around her.
This is totally on her. It had nothing to do with you as a person. It's not your fault at all. You don't have to justify your actions by saying you're doing your best etc. She did not have to yell at you like that and she should have apologized. So this says a lot about her as a person. I see you're also trying to see things from her point of view, and I know you're doing that because you want to be fair to her as well but you really don't have to do that. You really don't. Nor do you have to buffer this by saying she was a great mom, etc. You were not in the wrong here, she was. You have the right to be mad and hurt.
In terms of what to do: You could say something to her. The point would not be to change her mind or make her see how you feel; the point would be to speak up and say whatever it is you need to say. The exchange could go something like this: You say "I was hurt by how you yelled at me yesterday and I don't want that to happen again." She might make excuses, deny it, minimize it, blame you for her actions... i.e. she's not going to get it. Then you could say "OK well, I'm going home as being here is way too stressful and I'm not enjoying myself." And then go home. Sure you might be seen as a drama queen, but so what? You feeling safe is most important here, and if you don't feel safe, get tf out if that's an option.
Or you could lie and say you need to get home. Maybe a friend is having an emergency or something. Or you could stay, not say anything and try to not be around her as much as possible. Or you could try to say something but still stick around. There is no right or wrong answer here. You get to decide what to do.
>I don't want to look back on this years later and think "oh wow, you left just over one stressful moment that your mom yelled at you?"
You're minimizing again. This is not "one stressful moment." This is one more moment in a long history with your mom. This is not an isolated incident.
Instead you could say "I took care of myself and got myself out of an unsafe environment and honoured my needs." You have every right to not be around your mom if she's going to treat you this way. If you want to leave early and go NC, maybe it's something to consider.
posted by foxjacket at 10:20 PM on July 20, 2022 [3 favorites]
This is totally on her. It had nothing to do with you as a person. It's not your fault at all. You don't have to justify your actions by saying you're doing your best etc. She did not have to yell at you like that and she should have apologized. So this says a lot about her as a person. I see you're also trying to see things from her point of view, and I know you're doing that because you want to be fair to her as well but you really don't have to do that. You really don't. Nor do you have to buffer this by saying she was a great mom, etc. You were not in the wrong here, she was. You have the right to be mad and hurt.
In terms of what to do: You could say something to her. The point would not be to change her mind or make her see how you feel; the point would be to speak up and say whatever it is you need to say. The exchange could go something like this: You say "I was hurt by how you yelled at me yesterday and I don't want that to happen again." She might make excuses, deny it, minimize it, blame you for her actions... i.e. she's not going to get it. Then you could say "OK well, I'm going home as being here is way too stressful and I'm not enjoying myself." And then go home. Sure you might be seen as a drama queen, but so what? You feeling safe is most important here, and if you don't feel safe, get tf out if that's an option.
Or you could lie and say you need to get home. Maybe a friend is having an emergency or something. Or you could stay, not say anything and try to not be around her as much as possible. Or you could try to say something but still stick around. There is no right or wrong answer here. You get to decide what to do.
>I don't want to look back on this years later and think "oh wow, you left just over one stressful moment that your mom yelled at you?"
You're minimizing again. This is not "one stressful moment." This is one more moment in a long history with your mom. This is not an isolated incident.
Instead you could say "I took care of myself and got myself out of an unsafe environment and honoured my needs." You have every right to not be around your mom if she's going to treat you this way. If you want to leave early and go NC, maybe it's something to consider.
posted by foxjacket at 10:20 PM on July 20, 2022 [3 favorites]
One way to approach this with your mother is to ask her if she is OK. Pain, menopause and other physical conditions can cause people to act out in ways that are hard on other people. Show her some compassion for any problems she might have. If she denies and says nothing is wrong, it gives you an opportunity to let her know how much her verbal bite hurt. If she discloses a problem, your understanding and compassion could build rapport. You are both adults now and that means that sometimes you have to be resilient and forgiving when she gets things wrong.
posted by Thella at 11:40 PM on July 20, 2022 [22 favorites]
posted by Thella at 11:40 PM on July 20, 2022 [22 favorites]
We weren't there, so we can't tell you exactly how unkind her reaction was.
But it sure seems dramatic and unnecessary to perceive as "abusive" or "unsafe" or "very dark" or "deeply traumatic" a moment that lasted for a "microsecond" and sounds an awful lot like exasperation.
When I skim through your question history, I see a whole lot of mysterious conflicts where you felt baffled or blindsided or betrayed because somebody from a rotating cast of ex-friends was taking a situation more seriously or less seriously than you thought she ought to.
So my guess would be that you're a slightly weird dude who would do well to maintain a sense of perspective, and discount his own first instincts when they tell him that every suboptimal personal interaction constitutes an emergency.
posted by foursentences at 2:16 AM on July 21, 2022 [57 favorites]
But it sure seems dramatic and unnecessary to perceive as "abusive" or "unsafe" or "very dark" or "deeply traumatic" a moment that lasted for a "microsecond" and sounds an awful lot like exasperation.
When I skim through your question history, I see a whole lot of mysterious conflicts where you felt baffled or blindsided or betrayed because somebody from a rotating cast of ex-friends was taking a situation more seriously or less seriously than you thought she ought to.
So my guess would be that you're a slightly weird dude who would do well to maintain a sense of perspective, and discount his own first instincts when they tell him that every suboptimal personal interaction constitutes an emergency.
posted by foursentences at 2:16 AM on July 21, 2022 [57 favorites]
It’s okay to make the decision about your overall relationship later.
Right now you’re in fight/flight/freeze/fawn and I recommend focusing on self-care. Going home because you “feel like you’re coming down with something” is one way. Another is to say you have a headache and spend the day curled up in bed with some good books (not social media or news or anything like that.) getting out for a day trip on your own to a lovely nature spot or art gallery would be great too. So is exercise. Something kind to yourself.
Another way is to take control as an adult - do a project around her house or shop for her/others or mow the lawn or wash the car or chop wood (probably that last is not available but tradition :)). This has the additional advantage of taking control and agency. The disadvantage is you need to find something she’s unlikely to argue about.
posted by warriorqueen at 2:34 AM on July 21, 2022 [3 favorites]
Right now you’re in fight/flight/freeze/fawn and I recommend focusing on self-care. Going home because you “feel like you’re coming down with something” is one way. Another is to say you have a headache and spend the day curled up in bed with some good books (not social media or news or anything like that.) getting out for a day trip on your own to a lovely nature spot or art gallery would be great too. So is exercise. Something kind to yourself.
Another way is to take control as an adult - do a project around her house or shop for her/others or mow the lawn or wash the car or chop wood (probably that last is not available but tradition :)). This has the additional advantage of taking control and agency. The disadvantage is you need to find something she’s unlikely to argue about.
posted by warriorqueen at 2:34 AM on July 21, 2022 [3 favorites]
Since you're an established adult, I'm guessing your mom may be relatively advanced in age. Someone upthread noted that she may be dealing with pain or other ill health, but you should also realize that almost everyone, regardless of health status, experiences some IQ decrease and loss of mental openness/ flexibility/ resilience with age. For many older people, this increases anxiety and makes it harder to deal gracefully with novel stressful situations.
As an anxious person yourself, you may be able to sympathize with the panicky and frustrated feeling of encountering a situation you don't quite understand, know you should be able to manage, but don't feel quite prepared to deal with. Lots of elderly people I know tend to experience little low-key bursts of defensive temper at these moments, and I don't necessarily blame them, any more than I blame someone who gets a bit snappy when they have a headache or the flu.
To be clear, you don't have to just accept any genuinely inappropriate behavior or stick around to be a punching bag without defending yourself. But it might help to reframe this away from a peer interaction where both parties have equal competence and responsibility to make sure the interaction goes well, and toward one where you, as the more capable party, can express your love for your mom by being patient and soothing if she gets a little negative or grumpy.
posted by Bardolph at 4:16 AM on July 21, 2022 [11 favorites]
As an anxious person yourself, you may be able to sympathize with the panicky and frustrated feeling of encountering a situation you don't quite understand, know you should be able to manage, but don't feel quite prepared to deal with. Lots of elderly people I know tend to experience little low-key bursts of defensive temper at these moments, and I don't necessarily blame them, any more than I blame someone who gets a bit snappy when they have a headache or the flu.
To be clear, you don't have to just accept any genuinely inappropriate behavior or stick around to be a punching bag without defending yourself. But it might help to reframe this away from a peer interaction where both parties have equal competence and responsibility to make sure the interaction goes well, and toward one where you, as the more capable party, can express your love for your mom by being patient and soothing if she gets a little negative or grumpy.
posted by Bardolph at 4:16 AM on July 21, 2022 [11 favorites]
I think you need a vacation from your vacation. You don’t need to go home, but you’re not having fun.
I think you’re right, the way your mom yelled at you was not ok and you don’t have to be ok with it. It’s also fine to just not deal with it. It’s fine to know that it’s not ok to act that way and that you don’t like and never bring it up because you know any attempt to do so will just be even less fun.
I have bailed on vacations for way less. I have left my parents’ house for a hotel room and kept visiting them in smaller doses. I have left group vacations where everyone was staying together and kept participating from the distance of a more comfortable bed in air conditioning.
I tend to avoid big confrontations. I no longer believe that careful and well thought out talking solves problems very often, mostly it makes things worse, especially with people incapable of or unwilling to do self-reflection.
Do something else! Get a hotel room near a beach, or an air bnb in some woods, or spend two days going to a museum. More fun. Do something more fun.
posted by Jenny'sCricket at 4:29 AM on July 21, 2022 [4 favorites]
I think you’re right, the way your mom yelled at you was not ok and you don’t have to be ok with it. It’s also fine to just not deal with it. It’s fine to know that it’s not ok to act that way and that you don’t like and never bring it up because you know any attempt to do so will just be even less fun.
I have bailed on vacations for way less. I have left my parents’ house for a hotel room and kept visiting them in smaller doses. I have left group vacations where everyone was staying together and kept participating from the distance of a more comfortable bed in air conditioning.
I tend to avoid big confrontations. I no longer believe that careful and well thought out talking solves problems very often, mostly it makes things worse, especially with people incapable of or unwilling to do self-reflection.
Do something else! Get a hotel room near a beach, or an air bnb in some woods, or spend two days going to a museum. More fun. Do something more fun.
posted by Jenny'sCricket at 4:29 AM on July 21, 2022 [4 favorites]
I don't think you should make a decision about the future of your relationship while you're in her home and having all these bad feelings immediately stirred up, so delegate that to future you and set it aside for now.
You can cut the trip short with as minimal drama as you can manage - maybe you're not feeling well, maybe a fake emergency came up at home, doesn't matter, just get out of there. Or you could just shake up the rest of your vacation to involve less time spent with your mom, or maybe time spent differently - for example, if she's basically fine if you're at home watching movies, or likes a certain kind of outing, or to have a project, maybe it's time to throw your plans out the window and just do that stuff for the rest of the trip. That may be more or less feasible depending how much trip time is left. But either option would be a completely okay thing for you to do.
Long term, I would suggest reconsidering how you make these trips (can they be shorter? can you stay at a hotel? personally I have a four-day limit on family visits to keep the peace). And perhaps it's time to do some work with your therapist around your mom's aging and the realization that she's probably never going to get less cantankerous than she is now, and how to make peace with that.
posted by Stacey at 4:35 AM on July 21, 2022
You can cut the trip short with as minimal drama as you can manage - maybe you're not feeling well, maybe a fake emergency came up at home, doesn't matter, just get out of there. Or you could just shake up the rest of your vacation to involve less time spent with your mom, or maybe time spent differently - for example, if she's basically fine if you're at home watching movies, or likes a certain kind of outing, or to have a project, maybe it's time to throw your plans out the window and just do that stuff for the rest of the trip. That may be more or less feasible depending how much trip time is left. But either option would be a completely okay thing for you to do.
Long term, I would suggest reconsidering how you make these trips (can they be shorter? can you stay at a hotel? personally I have a four-day limit on family visits to keep the peace). And perhaps it's time to do some work with your therapist around your mom's aging and the realization that she's probably never going to get less cantankerous than she is now, and how to make peace with that.
posted by Stacey at 4:35 AM on July 21, 2022
So my guess would be that you're a slightly weird dude who would do well to maintain a sense of perspective, and discount his own first instincts when they tell him that every suboptimal personal interaction constitutes an emergency.
I don't love the wording, but foursentences' comment has some really good point for half of your problem. Looking at your previous Asks (to reassure myself that I was remembering correctly), it's pretty clear that
1. You have issues with anxious thinking
2. You tend toward catastrophic thinking
3. You are enough in your own head that you sometimes have trouble anticipating other people
none of these make you a bad person, but they seem to be getting in the way of your happiness and human relations. I understand that you have some specific issues that make therapy difficult, but seeing a therapist for a short time to work specifically on identifying this spiraling behavior and getting loose from it might be worth the effort. Also being more alert to others' moods and issues, maybe.
The other half, though -- clearly, your mother snapping at you caused a serious reaction. It is hard to tell (because you also tend to minimize), but it had a bad effect on you, and that is a valid thing to feel. I'm not sure it's worth bringing up with her, because I doubt You will get the resolution you want, which could be worse than no resolution at all. I think dealing with parents, even basically good parents, can be hard since we have so many memories tied to them, and all sorts of things can dredge up reactions.
If leaving early isn't an option, taking a day to yourself might be good, although this might be difficult if you have no good transit options. Working on trying to give the most kindness to yourself and your mother might also work. Like, if you think it's true, acknowledge that your mother has her own things going on with health and emotions and probably didn't intend to cause you distress, but also that it's ok for you to feel distress and want relief from it.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:21 AM on July 21, 2022 [41 favorites]
I don't love the wording, but foursentences' comment has some really good point for half of your problem. Looking at your previous Asks (to reassure myself that I was remembering correctly), it's pretty clear that
1. You have issues with anxious thinking
2. You tend toward catastrophic thinking
3. You are enough in your own head that you sometimes have trouble anticipating other people
none of these make you a bad person, but they seem to be getting in the way of your happiness and human relations. I understand that you have some specific issues that make therapy difficult, but seeing a therapist for a short time to work specifically on identifying this spiraling behavior and getting loose from it might be worth the effort. Also being more alert to others' moods and issues, maybe.
The other half, though -- clearly, your mother snapping at you caused a serious reaction. It is hard to tell (because you also tend to minimize), but it had a bad effect on you, and that is a valid thing to feel. I'm not sure it's worth bringing up with her, because I doubt You will get the resolution you want, which could be worse than no resolution at all. I think dealing with parents, even basically good parents, can be hard since we have so many memories tied to them, and all sorts of things can dredge up reactions.
If leaving early isn't an option, taking a day to yourself might be good, although this might be difficult if you have no good transit options. Working on trying to give the most kindness to yourself and your mother might also work. Like, if you think it's true, acknowledge that your mother has her own things going on with health and emotions and probably didn't intend to cause you distress, but also that it's ok for you to feel distress and want relief from it.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:21 AM on July 21, 2022 [41 favorites]
I can tell you that I, a woman in my late 40s, would have been super-stressed in your mom’s situation. Driving to a new (to me) community, a malfunctioning gate, a security guard staring me down while my passenger fumbles with their phone, and having to telephone a stranger to ask them to do something to let us in. I, too, would have been snappy with my passenger. I am not perfect. Your mother is not perfect. And in your question history, you rarely admit fault. Even above, you had to parenthetically say the phone issue could have been an iOS glitch.
If you want to cut your trip short and go no contact, that’s your call. However…
I wrote this in December, but you are vacationing in your mother’s real life and are likely adding extra errands and chores to her list. Your mom can be scoldy. You don’t do well with that. It’s incompatible for both of you. Visit your family, but rent your own car and stay by yourself. This may mean a shorter trip but would be less stressful for you and for her as well.
posted by kimberussell at 6:49 AM on July 21, 2022 [37 favorites]
If you want to cut your trip short and go no contact, that’s your call. However…
I wrote this in December, but you are vacationing in your mother’s real life and are likely adding extra errands and chores to her list. Your mom can be scoldy. You don’t do well with that. It’s incompatible for both of you. Visit your family, but rent your own car and stay by yourself. This may mean a shorter trip but would be less stressful for you and for her as well.
posted by kimberussell at 6:49 AM on July 21, 2022 [37 favorites]
Something my therapist has at times encouraged me to do to help me deal with the bananas/unproductive/hurtful things my mom does or says: Imagine the emotion in her that gives rise to those thoughts or actions.
It's not necessary to 100% nail the emotion, which is good because we can't read other peoples' minds. But merely understanding that something that was said or done stemmed from a raw emotion -- whether anger, frustration, fear, what have you -- rather than from the result of calculated reflection can be helpful.
Because we've all experienced emotion and we've all done or said things from a place of emotion when further wise reflection would have generated a very different response, or no response at all.
This isn't to excuse your mum's yelling. But, for example, I'm someone who thinks a lot and it sounds like you are too. Not everyone is that way. And even if they are, we all have moments.
You will not have much luck changing her, but it might be helpful to understand how she and many other people operate, especially when we're not at our best.
posted by fruitslinger at 7:01 AM on July 21, 2022 [1 favorite]
It's not necessary to 100% nail the emotion, which is good because we can't read other peoples' minds. But merely understanding that something that was said or done stemmed from a raw emotion -- whether anger, frustration, fear, what have you -- rather than from the result of calculated reflection can be helpful.
Because we've all experienced emotion and we've all done or said things from a place of emotion when further wise reflection would have generated a very different response, or no response at all.
This isn't to excuse your mum's yelling. But, for example, I'm someone who thinks a lot and it sounds like you are too. Not everyone is that way. And even if they are, we all have moments.
You will not have much luck changing her, but it might be helpful to understand how she and many other people operate, especially when we're not at our best.
posted by fruitslinger at 7:01 AM on July 21, 2022 [1 favorite]
You're not a victim because you know your worth. You can speak up and tell her to stop or tell her you don't like it. Or, chuckle to yourself that she is making a fool of herself by yelling. I would much prefer to frame that type of interaction as not trauma, but a person being reactive and impatient and inappropriate. I know it's easier said than done when parents are involved but I think you might be scrutinizing her behavior too much (her complaining for instance) that has nothing to do with you. I'm guilty of expectations and judgement and personalizing the behavior of others -- disliking the behavior of others because it makes me uncomfortable and wishing they were more pleasant and positive -- but I realized I had to let that go. Your mom's personality and the way she expresses it has nothing to do with you. You can have boundaries and pick and choose who you spend time with , and you can remember that other people can't diminish you if you remember you're not a victim to the words or misbehaviors of others.
posted by loveandhappiness at 7:12 AM on July 21, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by loveandhappiness at 7:12 AM on July 21, 2022 [1 favorite]
Based on your previous post history about your mom and other aspects of your childhood, I think we repliers are only seeing the tip of the iceberg here--what seems like an overreaction to us might be a product of a long history that we simply don't and can't know. I think you would be well served to unpack these issues with a therapist, who will be able to give them more time and attention.
In the moment, as a start, I would suggest that for the rest of this trip, when your mother gets too negative that you ask her to change the subject to something more positive. If this makes her melt down, then you walk away. It's important to learn that you do not have to tailor your moods to hers.
posted by kingdead at 7:27 AM on July 21, 2022 [9 favorites]
In the moment, as a start, I would suggest that for the rest of this trip, when your mother gets too negative that you ask her to change the subject to something more positive. If this makes her melt down, then you walk away. It's important to learn that you do not have to tailor your moods to hers.
posted by kingdead at 7:27 AM on July 21, 2022 [9 favorites]
As others have named, there's at least two questions here: what to do in the immediate future around this trip and what to do long term. I think it would help you to separate those questions-- you don't need to decide what to do long term until you're feeling calmer and clearer.
Also, in addition to therapy, you might find it beneficial to go to Adult Children of Alcoholics (and Other Dysfunctional Families) 12 Step meetings, where you might find resonance and support from lots of people who are grappling with similar dynamics.
I hope you find more ease and clarity soon!
posted by overglow at 9:32 AM on July 21, 2022
Also, in addition to therapy, you might find it beneficial to go to Adult Children of Alcoholics (and Other Dysfunctional Families) 12 Step meetings, where you might find resonance and support from lots of people who are grappling with similar dynamics.
I hope you find more ease and clarity soon!
posted by overglow at 9:32 AM on July 21, 2022
Your mom makes you anxious. You don't need to over think this. It may be abuse. It may not. It's not a one off as she has raised her voice at you previously. You can assume she will raise her voice at you again. You can assume that it will leave you messed up if she does. The solution is not get into situations where your mom might yell at you.
Go home early and don't visit again. It would be one thing if you HAD to be there because she was taking care of you when you needed surgery, or you were taking care of her for a similar urgent situation. If it were something like that then you'd need a solution to her behaviour triggering unbearable feelingss. But you're on vacation and you're not having fun. Go home.
Good boundaries involve doing what you need to to stay out of situations that distress you. I strongly advise not even talking to her about it. A conversation about it would boil down to you saying, "Mom, you MUST stop being the way you are. Change your personality!" and her retorting. "Offspring, I can't change the way I am. You MUST stop being the person you are." It makes as much sense for her to try to persuade that your anxiety is an affectation on your part that you can stop any time you want, as it does for you to try to persuade her that she can stop being a grouchy irritable person if she wants.
Figure out ways to continue having a loving and mutually supportive relationship with her that do not require you to tolerate situations that make you nervous or distressed. I suggest post cards, e-mail and sharing non controversial memes. Or distance yourself so you don't communicate with her at all if you feel better. If the relationship is not good for you then sticking around in hopes it turns into a Hallmark movie is not going to give you a happy life. What part, if any of your interactions with her are actually good? Cut the other interactions out of your life, unilaterally.
Chasing someone to try and make them change is needy, ineffectual behaviour. It's giving them the power, and setting yourself up to be victimized. You're an adult. You don't need her to provide loving support any longer. You haven't needed her since you were in your teens. It's okay to leave over one stressful moment. It's okay to leave because you start missing your own bed and your own pillows. It's okay to leave because you are bored. It's okay to leave because you want to go to the park and there aren't any nice parks near her house. It's okay to leave because you are scared. It's okay to leave because you are temporarily over reacting. It's okay to leave because you think you will probably feel less anxious if you go. Going home early is your right; it's not the same as burning her house down, or telling her you hate her. It's not an attack on her. You're an adult. You can go whenever you want to.
It would be dumb to stay and get more upset and maybe even end up in traumatizing both of you with more conflict.
posted by Jane the Brown at 11:49 AM on July 21, 2022 [3 favorites]
Go home early and don't visit again. It would be one thing if you HAD to be there because she was taking care of you when you needed surgery, or you were taking care of her for a similar urgent situation. If it were something like that then you'd need a solution to her behaviour triggering unbearable feelingss. But you're on vacation and you're not having fun. Go home.
Good boundaries involve doing what you need to to stay out of situations that distress you. I strongly advise not even talking to her about it. A conversation about it would boil down to you saying, "Mom, you MUST stop being the way you are. Change your personality!" and her retorting. "Offspring, I can't change the way I am. You MUST stop being the person you are." It makes as much sense for her to try to persuade that your anxiety is an affectation on your part that you can stop any time you want, as it does for you to try to persuade her that she can stop being a grouchy irritable person if she wants.
Figure out ways to continue having a loving and mutually supportive relationship with her that do not require you to tolerate situations that make you nervous or distressed. I suggest post cards, e-mail and sharing non controversial memes. Or distance yourself so you don't communicate with her at all if you feel better. If the relationship is not good for you then sticking around in hopes it turns into a Hallmark movie is not going to give you a happy life. What part, if any of your interactions with her are actually good? Cut the other interactions out of your life, unilaterally.
Chasing someone to try and make them change is needy, ineffectual behaviour. It's giving them the power, and setting yourself up to be victimized. You're an adult. You don't need her to provide loving support any longer. You haven't needed her since you were in your teens. It's okay to leave over one stressful moment. It's okay to leave because you start missing your own bed and your own pillows. It's okay to leave because you are bored. It's okay to leave because you want to go to the park and there aren't any nice parks near her house. It's okay to leave because you are scared. It's okay to leave because you are temporarily over reacting. It's okay to leave because you think you will probably feel less anxious if you go. Going home early is your right; it's not the same as burning her house down, or telling her you hate her. It's not an attack on her. You're an adult. You can go whenever you want to.
It would be dumb to stay and get more upset and maybe even end up in traumatizing both of you with more conflict.
posted by Jane the Brown at 11:49 AM on July 21, 2022 [3 favorites]
I read your previous question that asked if you should travel while dealing with an unresolved health issue and pain. It seems like you really wanted to take this trip, despite those concerns and the risks. Given that, I'd suggest you try to put this moment aside, take some time away from your mother as needed, and finish the rest of your trip. Try to remember why you came and what you enjoy about being there. And as others mentioned, try to show some patience and compassion for your mother who may have her own challenges. As adults we have to give and take with our parents.
You can reassess how you move forward longer term with your mom and therapy, when you get home.
posted by fies at 12:06 PM on July 21, 2022 [2 favorites]
You can reassess how you move forward longer term with your mom and therapy, when you get home.
posted by fies at 12:06 PM on July 21, 2022 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for all of the helpful responses. I've been processing.
So far, today, I feel much better, and as I only have 3 days left here, I really think I'll be okay. I'll solider through, and yesterday was honestly an one-off in terms of how I was yelled at. Yes, I was yelled at in the past, and all that, but this was the first time it's ever happened in a long time. I think this was my mom's stress with the situation (which was unexpected), the time crunch, and her frustration with my phone. It was the "perfect storm" kind of situation. It's possible she didn't KNOW how angry she came across as, and was truly under duress. No, I am not making excuses for her, but explaining this from an "outsider" perspective.
Cutting my vacation short would provide to be considerable in cost and hassle. Even taking my own time away (ie, going to a nearby river) would not be possible without depending on them, unfortunately. My parents live in a very rural area in NorCal, about an hour and an half away from the nearest airport, and cellular service here is very spotty. If I were to change plans, I'd need to hitch a ride somehow to the airport ($200+) and airfare change (~$50-500).
Uber and Lyft here both purport to work, but in reality, they timed out every time I tried to secure a driver, and didn't show any drivers around in the area. It's truly "handcuffing" here for me — my parents won't allow me to drive their cars out of trust/insurance, so getting around on my own is truly at the mercy of my parents, or other family members. If they can drop me off/pick me up, that would work, but sometimes timing and circumstances do not allow for that.
For example, today, I tried to take some of your advice and tried to flag down an Uber/Lyft to go to the river, but sadly, that was no go (app kept timing out/no drivers), and my baby nephew's here, so my mom is unable to offer a ride. My only bet is to take a walk around the neighborhood, unfortunately.
I'm going to do some serious soul-searching here. This type of visit, and depending on my parents for rides, just isn't feasible anymore. It's very hard here because hotels here are incredibly expensive (due to it being a very small town), and car rental costs, plus airfare, might be just too expensive. I do want to try and transition away from staying with my parents for an extended period of time (maybe no more than 3-4 days), but the circumstances here make it difficult (airfare + car rental/insurance + hotel/AirBnB + gas).
I have noticed for some time now, that my parents and I settle into "roles" every time I visit — I went to a residential school for the Deaf, 3 hours away, as a preteen-teenager, then college, and live 3,000 miles across the country from my family. So, I think my parents didn't really get a chance to watch me grow as an adult and live my everyday life as an adult. This is in direct contrast to my siblings, who both live in the area, who both are married, who live on their own in their own homes. Every time I come home, it's "back to being a kid", kind of, if that makes sense. I've been noticing this for some time now, but maybe yesterday's incident was a "wake up call" to do something about it/change it somehow. I can't think right now HOW or what to do exactly, but something definitely needs to change. I also feel singled out sometimes — I'm the only Deaf in my family, and my parents seem to trust my siblings more with stuff like driving their cars, etc., while they don't with me, because of one accident I got in a long time ago. I'm the oldest, so maybe they come down harder on me. It's understandable in some ways, but it's just exhausting and I think it came to a point yesterday when something just gave.
For now, and for the rest of my vacation, I'll do the best I can to muddle through and just exist, while trying the best I can to not provoke my mom, being kind to her, and trying self-care (however limited that is in terms of locations I can go to).
I would strike "micro" and "little thing" from your vocabulary. Don't minimize it.
Good idea. I actually was trying to do that here because I know I have a reputation for overreacting or taking stuff too seriously here. I wanted to try and offer a balanced perspective.
I wrote this in December, but you are vacationing in your mother’s real life and are likely adding extra errands and chores to her list.
Good point, very fair.
Thanks for your advice. Still taking it all in, and I really like seeing all the different perspectives. A lot of helpful tidbits here.
posted by dubious_dude at 1:40 PM on July 21, 2022 [6 favorites]
So far, today, I feel much better, and as I only have 3 days left here, I really think I'll be okay. I'll solider through, and yesterday was honestly an one-off in terms of how I was yelled at. Yes, I was yelled at in the past, and all that, but this was the first time it's ever happened in a long time. I think this was my mom's stress with the situation (which was unexpected), the time crunch, and her frustration with my phone. It was the "perfect storm" kind of situation. It's possible she didn't KNOW how angry she came across as, and was truly under duress. No, I am not making excuses for her, but explaining this from an "outsider" perspective.
Cutting my vacation short would provide to be considerable in cost and hassle. Even taking my own time away (ie, going to a nearby river) would not be possible without depending on them, unfortunately. My parents live in a very rural area in NorCal, about an hour and an half away from the nearest airport, and cellular service here is very spotty. If I were to change plans, I'd need to hitch a ride somehow to the airport ($200+) and airfare change (~$50-500).
Uber and Lyft here both purport to work, but in reality, they timed out every time I tried to secure a driver, and didn't show any drivers around in the area. It's truly "handcuffing" here for me — my parents won't allow me to drive their cars out of trust/insurance, so getting around on my own is truly at the mercy of my parents, or other family members. If they can drop me off/pick me up, that would work, but sometimes timing and circumstances do not allow for that.
For example, today, I tried to take some of your advice and tried to flag down an Uber/Lyft to go to the river, but sadly, that was no go (app kept timing out/no drivers), and my baby nephew's here, so my mom is unable to offer a ride. My only bet is to take a walk around the neighborhood, unfortunately.
I'm going to do some serious soul-searching here. This type of visit, and depending on my parents for rides, just isn't feasible anymore. It's very hard here because hotels here are incredibly expensive (due to it being a very small town), and car rental costs, plus airfare, might be just too expensive. I do want to try and transition away from staying with my parents for an extended period of time (maybe no more than 3-4 days), but the circumstances here make it difficult (airfare + car rental/insurance + hotel/AirBnB + gas).
I have noticed for some time now, that my parents and I settle into "roles" every time I visit — I went to a residential school for the Deaf, 3 hours away, as a preteen-teenager, then college, and live 3,000 miles across the country from my family. So, I think my parents didn't really get a chance to watch me grow as an adult and live my everyday life as an adult. This is in direct contrast to my siblings, who both live in the area, who both are married, who live on their own in their own homes. Every time I come home, it's "back to being a kid", kind of, if that makes sense. I've been noticing this for some time now, but maybe yesterday's incident was a "wake up call" to do something about it/change it somehow. I can't think right now HOW or what to do exactly, but something definitely needs to change. I also feel singled out sometimes — I'm the only Deaf in my family, and my parents seem to trust my siblings more with stuff like driving their cars, etc., while they don't with me, because of one accident I got in a long time ago. I'm the oldest, so maybe they come down harder on me. It's understandable in some ways, but it's just exhausting and I think it came to a point yesterday when something just gave.
For now, and for the rest of my vacation, I'll do the best I can to muddle through and just exist, while trying the best I can to not provoke my mom, being kind to her, and trying self-care (however limited that is in terms of locations I can go to).
I would strike "micro" and "little thing" from your vocabulary. Don't minimize it.
Good idea. I actually was trying to do that here because I know I have a reputation for overreacting or taking stuff too seriously here. I wanted to try and offer a balanced perspective.
I wrote this in December, but you are vacationing in your mother’s real life and are likely adding extra errands and chores to her list.
Good point, very fair.
Thanks for your advice. Still taking it all in, and I really like seeing all the different perspectives. A lot of helpful tidbits here.
posted by dubious_dude at 1:40 PM on July 21, 2022 [6 favorites]
> my parents and I settle into "roles" every time I visit
FWIW I see my family members doing this nearly every time they get together. Just for example, my aunts & uncles, who are now in the 70s and 80s (!) still have much the same dynamic they did when they were like 4, 6, 8, 10, and 12.
Like, one is the baby, one is the sulker, one is the peacemaker, one is "in charge", etc. Inevitably they will get into some giant situation - could be called a fight, I suppose - where all these come into play as usual, the one who picked on the younger one does it now just as they did when they were 6 & 8 years old, the younger one reacts just as they did 70 years ago, the sulker gets very upset by all this and runs off to cry in a bedroom for a couple of hours, or just leaves, and so on and on.
Point is, on the one hand this is a perfectly normal kind of rut to fall into - everybody does it to a greater or lesser degree - and second, if you can figure out how to get out of it even just a little it might make things go better.
Like, your parents probably will treat you just like they did when you were 17. If you also act as though you were still 17 it will go one way, and if you can act just a little different maybe it could go a different way.
Like, people who get very, very upset when under mild or moderate stress, it is often helpful to just ignore that a little. That's just the way they react under stress, they've been doing it for 60 years and probably aren't going to change now. You don't have to go there with them (and in fact it does not help if you do!).
posted by flug at 7:17 PM on July 21, 2022 [3 favorites]
FWIW I see my family members doing this nearly every time they get together. Just for example, my aunts & uncles, who are now in the 70s and 80s (!) still have much the same dynamic they did when they were like 4, 6, 8, 10, and 12.
Like, one is the baby, one is the sulker, one is the peacemaker, one is "in charge", etc. Inevitably they will get into some giant situation - could be called a fight, I suppose - where all these come into play as usual, the one who picked on the younger one does it now just as they did when they were 6 & 8 years old, the younger one reacts just as they did 70 years ago, the sulker gets very upset by all this and runs off to cry in a bedroom for a couple of hours, or just leaves, and so on and on.
Point is, on the one hand this is a perfectly normal kind of rut to fall into - everybody does it to a greater or lesser degree - and second, if you can figure out how to get out of it even just a little it might make things go better.
Like, your parents probably will treat you just like they did when you were 17. If you also act as though you were still 17 it will go one way, and if you can act just a little different maybe it could go a different way.
Like, people who get very, very upset when under mild or moderate stress, it is often helpful to just ignore that a little. That's just the way they react under stress, they've been doing it for 60 years and probably aren't going to change now. You don't have to go there with them (and in fact it does not help if you do!).
posted by flug at 7:17 PM on July 21, 2022 [3 favorites]
I just wanted to acknowledge, family visits when you live long distance are hard, at least in my experience.
My whole adult life I lived hours away from my folks, and every visit was stressful to some extent, then I moved back to being under an hour's drive from them 5 years ago. My relationship with them has NEVER been so good, no more rows when I see them (or at least, very rarely), boundaries are respected more, time spent together is higher quality.
My theory for this is that when you only get a bit of time together every so often rather than regularly, it's high stakes and everything feels like it matters a lot, to all parties. A small upset can blow into something big really quick. Everyone has an agenda and expectations, and they clash. It's really tough!
I think there's also a shade of what you mentioned in your update - if they don't see you adulting regularly, they just don't register it. Now that I live closer to them, I feel like my folks respect me more as my own person.
I don't really have a solution - I'm not telling you you should move, or visit more often. But I just want to sympathise, and to reassure you that it's hard, regardless of who you and they are.
posted by greenish at 6:50 AM on July 22, 2022 [5 favorites]
My whole adult life I lived hours away from my folks, and every visit was stressful to some extent, then I moved back to being under an hour's drive from them 5 years ago. My relationship with them has NEVER been so good, no more rows when I see them (or at least, very rarely), boundaries are respected more, time spent together is higher quality.
My theory for this is that when you only get a bit of time together every so often rather than regularly, it's high stakes and everything feels like it matters a lot, to all parties. A small upset can blow into something big really quick. Everyone has an agenda and expectations, and they clash. It's really tough!
I think there's also a shade of what you mentioned in your update - if they don't see you adulting regularly, they just don't register it. Now that I live closer to them, I feel like my folks respect me more as my own person.
I don't really have a solution - I'm not telling you you should move, or visit more often. But I just want to sympathise, and to reassure you that it's hard, regardless of who you and they are.
posted by greenish at 6:50 AM on July 22, 2022 [5 favorites]
Some responses have been pretty dismissive of and uncharitable to you. You are allowed to have whatever feelings you want. You are allowed to have whatever perspective you want. You are allowed to dislike being yelled at by family members in public. You are allowed to want away from that.
The OP is Deaf and a member of the Deaf community. This group of people often encounters issues in communicating with strangers in public because our society is an ableist, late capitalist hellhole that does not prioritize accessibility. I would have problems communicating with a security guard/agent too, if I literally could not hear them and they were using English, which very may well be my second language after sign. Would you criticize someone in this situation in real life as being “slightly weird”? If not, don’t do it on the internet, either. Take some of the compassion you’re preaching and sprinkle it on yourself.
As far as actionable advice for the OP, I second making the visits shorter in the future and not staying with them. If you have to stay with them, have somewhere to disappear to on your own for a few hours - “Going to the new History of Blenders exhibit at the Super Fun Time Museum! See you tonight!” It will help with your feelings of being constrained.
I’m 30+ and cannot even remember the last time my parents raised their voices at me - it was definitely years and years ago. I don’t think this is normal, or something you have to accept. Best of luck to you. ♥️
posted by oywiththepoodles at 8:08 AM on July 23, 2022 [5 favorites]
The OP is Deaf and a member of the Deaf community. This group of people often encounters issues in communicating with strangers in public because our society is an ableist, late capitalist hellhole that does not prioritize accessibility. I would have problems communicating with a security guard/agent too, if I literally could not hear them and they were using English, which very may well be my second language after sign. Would you criticize someone in this situation in real life as being “slightly weird”? If not, don’t do it on the internet, either. Take some of the compassion you’re preaching and sprinkle it on yourself.
As far as actionable advice for the OP, I second making the visits shorter in the future and not staying with them. If you have to stay with them, have somewhere to disappear to on your own for a few hours - “Going to the new History of Blenders exhibit at the Super Fun Time Museum! See you tonight!” It will help with your feelings of being constrained.
I’m 30+ and cannot even remember the last time my parents raised their voices at me - it was definitely years and years ago. I don’t think this is normal, or something you have to accept. Best of luck to you. ♥️
posted by oywiththepoodles at 8:08 AM on July 23, 2022 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for all the comments! Definitely will reflect on this and figure out actionable next steps (reducing visit times, getting a rental car, "couch-surfing" with other family members, etc.
The rest of my vacation went well, no further issues. I suspect this was an one-off, which was also an one-off trigger that hit me deeply. I'll talk about this the next time I am with my/a therapist.
posted by dubious_dude at 6:07 PM on July 26, 2022 [3 favorites]
The rest of my vacation went well, no further issues. I suspect this was an one-off, which was also an one-off trigger that hit me deeply. I'll talk about this the next time I am with my/a therapist.
posted by dubious_dude at 6:07 PM on July 26, 2022 [3 favorites]
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If you like, you can just make a polite excuse (lie) and be on your way home.
If or when you visit in the future, you should stop staying with her. You should get your own room, and visit her for dinner or go for a walk in the park or whatever, being responsible for your own lodging and transportation. If she yells at you at the restaurant or whatever, you can say goodnight and be on your way. You won't need to get involved in these old feelings about being beholden to her and having to tolerate her behavior. You won't need to worry that her feeling a certain way will make your life more difficult for the coming days until you can make your escape.
It's also OK if you don't want to visit anymore, or at least not for a while. You can trust your future self to tell you when the time is right, if it is.
posted by fritley at 7:35 PM on July 20, 2022 [8 favorites]