How to move on when you think you made the wrong decision?
July 8, 2022 10:46 PM Subscribe
My partner and I recently split after 15 years. It's messy and confusing and I'm finding myself having a lot of trouble processing it all. Could use advice and support.
About 5 years ago, I was diagnosed with a very serious and aggressive cancer. My survival odds were very low. I was on long-term chemo that had significant cognitive and neurological effects. My memory was limited to about 5 minutes and my cognitive abilities were significantly impaired as well. I don't remember large parts of the last 5 years at all, and the parts I do remember were.. not great.
My partner, J, was physically supportive, but was pretty absent emotionally. This was not a new pattern, I had previously been the primary support for them, but J failed to step up when I got sick, despite me begging them to up their support routine and take steps to make sure that they the support they needed while they supported me. J failed to do this. During this time, they started spending less and less time with me and demanding more and more time alone, including in some pretty messed up ways (e.g. I wasn't "allowed" to talk to them on certain days so they could get a break).
There were some other messed up incidents that happened, too, like J effectively abandoning me in a hospital where I was getting IV antibiotics for 5 or 6 days and refusing to talk to me or see me as my hair was falling out. I had to take an uber home. I had what I can only describe as a mental breakdown after finding out that I may have a second type of cancer and having to go through some pretty shitty testing for that. It turned out to be a false alarm, but I broke down on a friend's couch and Partner refused to pick me up or help me in any way because his band was having a show the next day. To this day, he is utterly convinced that I was purposely sabotaging his efforts to be in a band, although I've told him that it isn't true any number of times. As bad as this crap is, I know in my heart J isn't a bad person, they were just utterly unprepared for how broken the chemo was going to make me and for how it was going to affect him in turn.
About 9 months ago, as I came out of the chemo fog, I realized how messed up things were and confronted J about it, who basically shrugged and said that they knew, but didn't know what to do about it. I tried to get us into couples therapy but we had a very hard time finding a competent therapist and it resulted in me moving long-distance for a few months so we could work on things. It went disastrously. After 3 months, I told him we were done.
The problem is.. I didn't understand how broken I still was when I was reacting to and making decisions about all of this stuff. I absolutely should not have been making any long-term decisions, I was still too cognitively impaired. I was lost and hurt and listening to a lot of voices that were telling me to end it, some of whom should not have done that. I didn't know what to do. Six weeks later, I had a huge cache of mostly happy memories come back and it was absolutely devastating. I called J crying and explained everything that had happened, and he was just like.. "too bad, it's over". I found myself in a community hundreds of miles away from my home, living in a friend's garage, and felt like I had woken up into my worst nightmare.
Around six months have passed, and I'm no closer to processing any of this than I was when things ended. I moved to Chicago to get out of my friend's garage and got a really great job. But I don't know anybody, I'm terribly lonely, and covid has made it difficult to meet anybody. So I spend most of my time sitting alone in my apartment, pining for J and feeling like I've made the biggest mistake of my life. While I can recite the facts of the shitty things that happened, it feels like they happened to somebody else - there is no emotional content. I'm not angry, I'm not determined, I just feel... sad and small and broken. I have very little memory of the past 5 years. Almost all of my clear memories are from before the cancer when things felt good and I felt like I had found the person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.
I'm in therapy with a good therapist that I like and am working on this, but I haven't made great progress so far. I try to remember the fucked up stuff and why it wasn't working and it just.. doesn't stick. I feel like I'm past the cancer and don't need that support anymore. Frankly, I miss J terribly. I am struggling so hard to find anything to cling to to tell me that I made a good decision. I just get this sick feeling in my stomach all the time, that I've fucked up my life and lost the person that I wanted to be with forever in ways that are fully irreparable.
The cancer and memory crap makes my situation pretty snowflake-y, but I'm sure that I'm far from the only person who has lost a relationship in difficult circumstances where they weren't sure they wanted it to end. If any of you have any thoughts about techniques, books, ways to construct a good narrative given my circumstances, I would appreciate it.
About 5 years ago, I was diagnosed with a very serious and aggressive cancer. My survival odds were very low. I was on long-term chemo that had significant cognitive and neurological effects. My memory was limited to about 5 minutes and my cognitive abilities were significantly impaired as well. I don't remember large parts of the last 5 years at all, and the parts I do remember were.. not great.
My partner, J, was physically supportive, but was pretty absent emotionally. This was not a new pattern, I had previously been the primary support for them, but J failed to step up when I got sick, despite me begging them to up their support routine and take steps to make sure that they the support they needed while they supported me. J failed to do this. During this time, they started spending less and less time with me and demanding more and more time alone, including in some pretty messed up ways (e.g. I wasn't "allowed" to talk to them on certain days so they could get a break).
There were some other messed up incidents that happened, too, like J effectively abandoning me in a hospital where I was getting IV antibiotics for 5 or 6 days and refusing to talk to me or see me as my hair was falling out. I had to take an uber home. I had what I can only describe as a mental breakdown after finding out that I may have a second type of cancer and having to go through some pretty shitty testing for that. It turned out to be a false alarm, but I broke down on a friend's couch and Partner refused to pick me up or help me in any way because his band was having a show the next day. To this day, he is utterly convinced that I was purposely sabotaging his efforts to be in a band, although I've told him that it isn't true any number of times. As bad as this crap is, I know in my heart J isn't a bad person, they were just utterly unprepared for how broken the chemo was going to make me and for how it was going to affect him in turn.
About 9 months ago, as I came out of the chemo fog, I realized how messed up things were and confronted J about it, who basically shrugged and said that they knew, but didn't know what to do about it. I tried to get us into couples therapy but we had a very hard time finding a competent therapist and it resulted in me moving long-distance for a few months so we could work on things. It went disastrously. After 3 months, I told him we were done.
The problem is.. I didn't understand how broken I still was when I was reacting to and making decisions about all of this stuff. I absolutely should not have been making any long-term decisions, I was still too cognitively impaired. I was lost and hurt and listening to a lot of voices that were telling me to end it, some of whom should not have done that. I didn't know what to do. Six weeks later, I had a huge cache of mostly happy memories come back and it was absolutely devastating. I called J crying and explained everything that had happened, and he was just like.. "too bad, it's over". I found myself in a community hundreds of miles away from my home, living in a friend's garage, and felt like I had woken up into my worst nightmare.
Around six months have passed, and I'm no closer to processing any of this than I was when things ended. I moved to Chicago to get out of my friend's garage and got a really great job. But I don't know anybody, I'm terribly lonely, and covid has made it difficult to meet anybody. So I spend most of my time sitting alone in my apartment, pining for J and feeling like I've made the biggest mistake of my life. While I can recite the facts of the shitty things that happened, it feels like they happened to somebody else - there is no emotional content. I'm not angry, I'm not determined, I just feel... sad and small and broken. I have very little memory of the past 5 years. Almost all of my clear memories are from before the cancer when things felt good and I felt like I had found the person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.
I'm in therapy with a good therapist that I like and am working on this, but I haven't made great progress so far. I try to remember the fucked up stuff and why it wasn't working and it just.. doesn't stick. I feel like I'm past the cancer and don't need that support anymore. Frankly, I miss J terribly. I am struggling so hard to find anything to cling to to tell me that I made a good decision. I just get this sick feeling in my stomach all the time, that I've fucked up my life and lost the person that I wanted to be with forever in ways that are fully irreparable.
The cancer and memory crap makes my situation pretty snowflake-y, but I'm sure that I'm far from the only person who has lost a relationship in difficult circumstances where they weren't sure they wanted it to end. If any of you have any thoughts about techniques, books, ways to construct a good narrative given my circumstances, I would appreciate it.
You made the right decision. The behavior you describe would be unacceptable in a *friend*, let alone a partner. If a person won’t (not can’t) be there for you when you most need them, you’re better off without them.
posted by aspersioncast at 11:27 PM on July 8, 2022 [15 favorites]
posted by aspersioncast at 11:27 PM on July 8, 2022 [15 favorites]
The only important, thing, really, is that J has said “too bad, it’s over”. Even if a relationship is the most unhealthy and undermining one in the world, it will work if both people want in. Even if a relationship is the most textbook compatible and mature, it won’t work if someone wants out
It really sucks, it really hurts, but he doesn’t want you anymore. And it’s actually a blessing in disguise that he doesn’t, because you really really deserve a clean break from this relationship.
Please give yourself the time and permission to grieve. Considering how complex and devastating the last five years have been, it might take a long time, longer than you’d think.
Pining and missing someone are really normal but they do not mean you should get back together. I imagine your memories of J are memories of the times before you fell ill, and the mourning is much more complex because of this. I am glad you have a therapist to help you.
Congratulations for still being here and for making the right decision to end the relationship. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and let time do its thing.
posted by Balthamos at 12:32 AM on July 9, 2022 [23 favorites]
It really sucks, it really hurts, but he doesn’t want you anymore. And it’s actually a blessing in disguise that he doesn’t, because you really really deserve a clean break from this relationship.
Please give yourself the time and permission to grieve. Considering how complex and devastating the last five years have been, it might take a long time, longer than you’d think.
Pining and missing someone are really normal but they do not mean you should get back together. I imagine your memories of J are memories of the times before you fell ill, and the mourning is much more complex because of this. I am glad you have a therapist to help you.
Congratulations for still being here and for making the right decision to end the relationship. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and let time do its thing.
posted by Balthamos at 12:32 AM on July 9, 2022 [23 favorites]
I would suggest, as gently as possible, that you don't miss J, you miss having a partner. It might be a bit freeing to reframe that aspect that way.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:11 AM on July 9, 2022 [60 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 1:11 AM on July 9, 2022 [60 favorites]
I’m not seeing anything here that indicates you made the wrong decision. You might feel lonely but that’s not the same thing. He was not a true partner to you and anyone can stick around when things are good but the real test is when things are bad and he failed miserably. I’m glad you’re better now and getting therapy. Be gentle on yourself, you’ve been through a lot.
posted by Jubey at 1:14 AM on July 9, 2022 [9 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 1:14 AM on July 9, 2022 [9 favorites]
I miss J terribly. I am struggling so hard to find anything to cling to to tell me that I made a good decision. I just get this sick feeling in my stomach all the time, that I've fucked up my life and lost the person that I wanted to be with forever in ways that are fully irreparable.
OP, this sounds like a nightmare. You did not get to vote for having cancer, and you do not get a do-over with your ex. Most of us do not get to be with anyone forever. The reality is that you are now on your own. Which you pretty much were during your illness. That sucks and, also, that is how it is. One Al-Anon slogan is "Awareness. Acceptance. Action" as a reminder not to act until one has become fully aware of a situation, fully accepted the reality of the situation (which does not mean you like it, just that you understand that this is how life is for now) and only then, after acceptance, is it time to plan any sort of action in response.
Our brains frequently give us shitty, unhelpful information. You have a great job. Congrats! That is literally amazing. So few of us have the gift of a great job. You have a good therapist. Congrats, again! Seriously, finding a good therapist is a challenge, a challenge you have met! Keep working with that therapist, enjoy your great job, and push yourself out of that apartment from time to time. Go do things (that feel safe in terms of Covid or whatever) that you enjoy. Just for yourself. Take a walk. Get coffee and drink it in a nice park. Go to a museum. Make food or art in a class or at home.
It's okay to be miserable, it's okay to cry. But change is the nature of life. Your current misery is not forever, your life will get better. You have already been resourceful in the face of an aggressive cancer that tried to kill you. Yet, here you are, with a new home and a new job and a new therapist very much alive. Feel your feelings but don't let them take over and be the boss.
Despite what your brain is telling you, you have done nothing wrong. There is a glorious, which is to say normal, future ahead of you. The transition from partnered cancer patient in one location to solo, healthy adult in a new location is understandably challenging and fraught. Of course it is hard. Of course you are sad. Just remember: Your life is still changing. Your feelings will also change. Take it one day at a time, keep working at therapy, and please, please, please go make or find some fun and pleasure for yourself. Even small pleasures, like a good book, can make a difference. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 3:15 AM on July 9, 2022 [16 favorites]
OP, this sounds like a nightmare. You did not get to vote for having cancer, and you do not get a do-over with your ex. Most of us do not get to be with anyone forever. The reality is that you are now on your own. Which you pretty much were during your illness. That sucks and, also, that is how it is. One Al-Anon slogan is "Awareness. Acceptance. Action" as a reminder not to act until one has become fully aware of a situation, fully accepted the reality of the situation (which does not mean you like it, just that you understand that this is how life is for now) and only then, after acceptance, is it time to plan any sort of action in response.
Our brains frequently give us shitty, unhelpful information. You have a great job. Congrats! That is literally amazing. So few of us have the gift of a great job. You have a good therapist. Congrats, again! Seriously, finding a good therapist is a challenge, a challenge you have met! Keep working with that therapist, enjoy your great job, and push yourself out of that apartment from time to time. Go do things (that feel safe in terms of Covid or whatever) that you enjoy. Just for yourself. Take a walk. Get coffee and drink it in a nice park. Go to a museum. Make food or art in a class or at home.
It's okay to be miserable, it's okay to cry. But change is the nature of life. Your current misery is not forever, your life will get better. You have already been resourceful in the face of an aggressive cancer that tried to kill you. Yet, here you are, with a new home and a new job and a new therapist very much alive. Feel your feelings but don't let them take over and be the boss.
Despite what your brain is telling you, you have done nothing wrong. There is a glorious, which is to say normal, future ahead of you. The transition from partnered cancer patient in one location to solo, healthy adult in a new location is understandably challenging and fraught. Of course it is hard. Of course you are sad. Just remember: Your life is still changing. Your feelings will also change. Take it one day at a time, keep working at therapy, and please, please, please go make or find some fun and pleasure for yourself. Even small pleasures, like a good book, can make a difference. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 3:15 AM on July 9, 2022 [16 favorites]
I haven't been where you are, but I've been in two different places that might help reframe things a little.
I've made a number of major moves to new places where I didn't know anyone or anything. Each time, I found that it takes me more than a year to start to see the new place as it actually is, and to start to take it on its own terms instead of comparing it to other places. I used to take it really seriously if I felt unhappy or disoriented in the new place during the first year, or just felt that I didn't like it, or that I couldn't connect with it. Now I basically don't worry about those feelings the first year - I pretty much expect them, and I have a long track record of those feelings going away once I've really settled in to the new reality.
I also have major health problems (think cfs/fibro) that make any kind of effort, especially sustained effort, very difficult. Effort for me means crashing afterwards. But once in a while there have been unavoidable times when I've had to do some sustained activities (think weeks/months) that can be hard even for healthy people. During those times I've had to push myself to keep going and basically delay the crash. Then, when I finally have space to fall apart - I do. Massively. I always deal with pain and fatigue and brain fog, but during these crashes it's on a totally different level and it lasts for many months. It takes a very long time to start to feel human again. Having gone through this a few times already, I know the drill, and I know that I have to remember that it's not permanent - that one day I'll get back to my usual state, that I will recover, and that it's mostly a matter of time and that I might as well not stress about it. It's hard to really internalize that in the moment, but it's true.
You've had a huge emotional upheaval, you've had a huge physical upheaval, you've made a major move and started a new job and started socially from scratch. You've been super strong and impressive and used a ton of effort to keep going and get where you are, and now you finally have the space to fall apart and crash and feel all the terrible things. It's incredibly natural. In my world, it's a given. It's the inevitable price I pay for things that are worthwhile and that eventually make my life better for having done them. I can't help feeling like shit, but at least I don't get stressed out about it any more. It's just a thing that happens and a stage I know that I'll get through. You will too.
Reading your post I was very impressed at how you didn't accept J's bullshit and at how strong you must have been to take action even in your condition. (You made such a good decision.) You're going to be all right.
And when you are all right again you probably won't even be able to remember how hard it all is now, because, as you've found, that's how brains are.
posted by trig at 3:23 AM on July 9, 2022 [17 favorites]
I've made a number of major moves to new places where I didn't know anyone or anything. Each time, I found that it takes me more than a year to start to see the new place as it actually is, and to start to take it on its own terms instead of comparing it to other places. I used to take it really seriously if I felt unhappy or disoriented in the new place during the first year, or just felt that I didn't like it, or that I couldn't connect with it. Now I basically don't worry about those feelings the first year - I pretty much expect them, and I have a long track record of those feelings going away once I've really settled in to the new reality.
I also have major health problems (think cfs/fibro) that make any kind of effort, especially sustained effort, very difficult. Effort for me means crashing afterwards. But once in a while there have been unavoidable times when I've had to do some sustained activities (think weeks/months) that can be hard even for healthy people. During those times I've had to push myself to keep going and basically delay the crash. Then, when I finally have space to fall apart - I do. Massively. I always deal with pain and fatigue and brain fog, but during these crashes it's on a totally different level and it lasts for many months. It takes a very long time to start to feel human again. Having gone through this a few times already, I know the drill, and I know that I have to remember that it's not permanent - that one day I'll get back to my usual state, that I will recover, and that it's mostly a matter of time and that I might as well not stress about it. It's hard to really internalize that in the moment, but it's true.
You've had a huge emotional upheaval, you've had a huge physical upheaval, you've made a major move and started a new job and started socially from scratch. You've been super strong and impressive and used a ton of effort to keep going and get where you are, and now you finally have the space to fall apart and crash and feel all the terrible things. It's incredibly natural. In my world, it's a given. It's the inevitable price I pay for things that are worthwhile and that eventually make my life better for having done them. I can't help feeling like shit, but at least I don't get stressed out about it any more. It's just a thing that happens and a stage I know that I'll get through. You will too.
Reading your post I was very impressed at how you didn't accept J's bullshit and at how strong you must have been to take action even in your condition. (You made such a good decision.) You're going to be all right.
And when you are all right again you probably won't even be able to remember how hard it all is now, because, as you've found, that's how brains are.
posted by trig at 3:23 AM on July 9, 2022 [17 favorites]
You asked about divorce, I'll try to help.
My first marriage, when I was much younger, was a disaster. My then-husband emotionally abandoned me in favor of his career.
I refused to spend fifty years as an afterthought, and I left. It sucked. I crashed on a friend's futon and worked as a temp file clerk.
Eventually things got sorted, and I have a new, rich life.
Here's what I learned:
Even the right choice will hurt. There's no choice that evades emotional hurt.
And much of the grief I felt wasn't missing my ex.
I was grieving the life I had pictured us having together. All these daydreams and visions and decades just...gone.
I began to heal once I pictured a new future, with new dreams.
posted by champers at 3:36 AM on July 9, 2022 [46 favorites]
My first marriage, when I was much younger, was a disaster. My then-husband emotionally abandoned me in favor of his career.
I refused to spend fifty years as an afterthought, and I left. It sucked. I crashed on a friend's futon and worked as a temp file clerk.
Eventually things got sorted, and I have a new, rich life.
Here's what I learned:
Even the right choice will hurt. There's no choice that evades emotional hurt.
And much of the grief I felt wasn't missing my ex.
I was grieving the life I had pictured us having together. All these daydreams and visions and decades just...gone.
I began to heal once I pictured a new future, with new dreams.
posted by champers at 3:36 AM on July 9, 2022 [46 favorites]
So, from the way you describe things it REALLY doesn't seem like you made the wrong decision. I've been the spouse of a person with cancer and it sucks and I wasn't perfect but, like, picking your spouse up from the hospital is about the LEAST YOU CAN DO. Your partner sounds extremely immature and, basically, incapable of being a real partner in times of difficulty. ("To this day, he is utterly convinced that I was purposely sabotaging his efforts to be in a band"??? FFS!) Hopefully your cancer treatment was the worst thing you'll ever go through, but there will be other hard times in your life and he probably would have sucked during those too.
Even if it was the wrong decision, though, it's made and done. You have been through SO MUCH! Six months is such a short period of time to mourn a 15 year relationship and the five years you lost to cancer/cancer treatment (and also let's be real, spending time in/around hospitals the last few years has been extra fucking traumatic). Be gentle with yourself. Ask for the help you need from friends, family, acquaintances (I'm not great at this and I'm guessing you're not either based on what you're able to forgive your ex for!).
I believe that there are good things ahead for you and that you will meet people you connect with and, if it's what you want, you will find a better partner someday. In the meantime, be so, so, gentle with yourself because you have so much to work through and process. Six months is not very long at all.
posted by mskyle at 5:11 AM on July 9, 2022 [11 favorites]
Even if it was the wrong decision, though, it's made and done. You have been through SO MUCH! Six months is such a short period of time to mourn a 15 year relationship and the five years you lost to cancer/cancer treatment (and also let's be real, spending time in/around hospitals the last few years has been extra fucking traumatic). Be gentle with yourself. Ask for the help you need from friends, family, acquaintances (I'm not great at this and I'm guessing you're not either based on what you're able to forgive your ex for!).
I believe that there are good things ahead for you and that you will meet people you connect with and, if it's what you want, you will find a better partner someday. In the meantime, be so, so, gentle with yourself because you have so much to work through and process. Six months is not very long at all.
posted by mskyle at 5:11 AM on July 9, 2022 [11 favorites]
I think it is telling that you say you will be hit by memories of how it was before the cancer and how good those days were, and I think it’s important to make that distinction—before the cancer things were wonderful and you definitely (and probably should, understandably would!) miss that and want it back. But it’s what happened after the cancer that is important and brought you here—not brain fog. It was the trauma of your partner failing to continue to be the great partner they had been. I think it’s reasonable that you would not be able to remember much of that even if you hadn’t had the physical effects of cancer and treatment. Someone you trusted to take care of you checked out! Maybe it would help to try to work on remembering the post diagnosis times, even though it’ll suck and hurt—and I don’t know, write down those memories if you can find them. While the happy memories are valuable too, I think the later ones are more important and necessary.
posted by pepper bird at 5:37 AM on July 9, 2022 [11 favorites]
posted by pepper bird at 5:37 AM on July 9, 2022 [11 favorites]
Gee, I could have written this about my former partner, (also, chronic illness not cancer) and my feeling making steps out of that relationship.
I say ‘steps’ consciously because boy were there some steep treks at times. Loneliness is the hardest thing. It helps to remember that I also felt lonely with my inadequate partner, especially when he abandoned and toyed with me emotionally during my hospitalisations. That is a really big hurt. Especially when, like you, I had been supporting him for many years.
The immature response to being for others, the shrugging bullshit, the bailing for their music, and in my case, his motorcycles. When I find caches of happy memories pictures or mementoes I help myself by remembering what was happening concurrently - usually some manifestation of lonely abandonment in petty squabbles, being ignored, being denied any kind of adult expertise in things I objectively had in spades, some game playing enactment of control.
You can’t go back. This is the hardest part and it will get better. Making a friend, finding solace in work for awhile, walking a lot listening to podcasts, picking a class to go to once a week for some company. Don’t get serious about anyone new for a decent amount of processing time.
Don’t. Go. Back.
posted by honey-barbara at 6:08 AM on July 9, 2022 [11 favorites]
I say ‘steps’ consciously because boy were there some steep treks at times. Loneliness is the hardest thing. It helps to remember that I also felt lonely with my inadequate partner, especially when he abandoned and toyed with me emotionally during my hospitalisations. That is a really big hurt. Especially when, like you, I had been supporting him for many years.
The immature response to being for others, the shrugging bullshit, the bailing for their music, and in my case, his motorcycles. When I find caches of happy memories pictures or mementoes I help myself by remembering what was happening concurrently - usually some manifestation of lonely abandonment in petty squabbles, being ignored, being denied any kind of adult expertise in things I objectively had in spades, some game playing enactment of control.
You can’t go back. This is the hardest part and it will get better. Making a friend, finding solace in work for awhile, walking a lot listening to podcasts, picking a class to go to once a week for some company. Don’t get serious about anyone new for a decent amount of processing time.
Don’t. Go. Back.
posted by honey-barbara at 6:08 AM on July 9, 2022 [11 favorites]
But you don't actually want to be with *him* forever. You want to be with the idealized version of him that you've built in your head. He has shown you repeatedly that he is not a good partner, that he will not show up for you in the way you both need and deserve. That is not something you can fix or hope to change. When people show you who the are, believe them. It's who he really is. I'm sorry.
Try to decouple the loss you're feeling from him personally and recognize its those needs for support and connection going unfulfilled that is causing grief, which were not being fulfilled by him anyway. Its ok to grieve that lack, just don't fool yourself into thinking he would be able to solve that for you - he has clearly demonstrated that he will not.
I've been through divorce myself after an 11 year marraige, and felt exactly as you do now before I recognized this truth. I still felt lost and empty and yearning to fill that void quickly to avoid that pain, but people aren't things to stuff into the holes in our hearts. It took me a while to get to a place where I had enough emotional distance and healing time before I could step into a relationship honestly. And it's not that those holes in your heart go away, necessarily. It's more that we need to allow them to just be there without trying to fill them up with people or unhealthy habits.
Be gentle with yourself. Be patient. It gets better.
posted by ananci at 8:33 AM on July 9, 2022 [5 favorites]
Try to decouple the loss you're feeling from him personally and recognize its those needs for support and connection going unfulfilled that is causing grief, which were not being fulfilled by him anyway. Its ok to grieve that lack, just don't fool yourself into thinking he would be able to solve that for you - he has clearly demonstrated that he will not.
I've been through divorce myself after an 11 year marraige, and felt exactly as you do now before I recognized this truth. I still felt lost and empty and yearning to fill that void quickly to avoid that pain, but people aren't things to stuff into the holes in our hearts. It took me a while to get to a place where I had enough emotional distance and healing time before I could step into a relationship honestly. And it's not that those holes in your heart go away, necessarily. It's more that we need to allow them to just be there without trying to fill them up with people or unhealthy habits.
Be gentle with yourself. Be patient. It gets better.
posted by ananci at 8:33 AM on July 9, 2022 [5 favorites]
OP here.
I went to some length to conceal gender markers in my post because I didn't want people making assumptions based on the genders involved, but I see that I slipped, so let me clarify a bit. I am a cis woman. My ex-partner is transmasc, and we are both queer. He was socialized as and lived as a woman until fairly recently, including throughout most of the story, so I think a lot of the "cis men are useless" stereotypes aren't super applicable here.
With that cleared up, thank you all so much for your support. Reading your responses made me tear up. I am still hopeful that folks with have books or other resources that might touch on some of the difficulties I'm having.
posted by keysonthetable at 9:02 AM on July 9, 2022 [11 favorites]
I went to some length to conceal gender markers in my post because I didn't want people making assumptions based on the genders involved, but I see that I slipped, so let me clarify a bit. I am a cis woman. My ex-partner is transmasc, and we are both queer. He was socialized as and lived as a woman until fairly recently, including throughout most of the story, so I think a lot of the "cis men are useless" stereotypes aren't super applicable here.
With that cleared up, thank you all so much for your support. Reading your responses made me tear up. I am still hopeful that folks with have books or other resources that might touch on some of the difficulties I'm having.
posted by keysonthetable at 9:02 AM on July 9, 2022 [11 favorites]
It's over. J doesn't want to get back together. The end. You need to try to accept that and move on.
FWIW, I think it was already over and that J just didn't want to be the "bad guy."
posted by J. Wilson at 9:15 AM on July 9, 2022 [1 favorite]
FWIW, I think it was already over and that J just didn't want to be the "bad guy."
posted by J. Wilson at 9:15 AM on July 9, 2022 [1 favorite]
J showed you who they were, which is a person who is not dependable in any kind of emergency or difficult situation. Believe what they told you. You, we all, deserve better than that.
posted by cooker girl at 9:52 AM on July 9, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by cooker girl at 9:52 AM on July 9, 2022 [2 favorites]
FWIW, I don’t think you made a mistake leaving J, even though you’re hurting right now. I think you’re a total badass and hope that should I be challenged the way you have been, I’d have the strength to keep going and set myself up for a whole new life.
It seems like how you frame your thoughts is really important right now, as is trying to strike a balance between how much effort you spend thinking about the past vs. what effort you put into enjoy the present or building a new future. Your job and your new therapist sound like incredible assets for you right now. One idea might also be to join a support group of cancer survivors to help build community and process some of the experiences you’ve had, especially the difficulties emerging from the chemo side effects.
With Covid and your health history, I’d feel like a jerk if I blithely was like “Chicago is great, get out there and meet new people!” Not sure what your capacity and comfort levels with being out and about among people, especially with these new variants. But maybe there are some new hobbies or creative outlets you could try that could be enjoyable for you and help bring your attention into the present? I’ve done Zoom-based knitting classes and craft community events, writing workshops and even considered taking music lessons in an online format. I guess my point is that it could be a good time to try something new, and even with Covid, there’s lots of ways to connect with people with similar interests.
posted by sk932 at 10:31 AM on July 9, 2022 [3 favorites]
It seems like how you frame your thoughts is really important right now, as is trying to strike a balance between how much effort you spend thinking about the past vs. what effort you put into enjoy the present or building a new future. Your job and your new therapist sound like incredible assets for you right now. One idea might also be to join a support group of cancer survivors to help build community and process some of the experiences you’ve had, especially the difficulties emerging from the chemo side effects.
With Covid and your health history, I’d feel like a jerk if I blithely was like “Chicago is great, get out there and meet new people!” Not sure what your capacity and comfort levels with being out and about among people, especially with these new variants. But maybe there are some new hobbies or creative outlets you could try that could be enjoyable for you and help bring your attention into the present? I’ve done Zoom-based knitting classes and craft community events, writing workshops and even considered taking music lessons in an online format. I guess my point is that it could be a good time to try something new, and even with Covid, there’s lots of ways to connect with people with similar interests.
posted by sk932 at 10:31 AM on July 9, 2022 [3 favorites]
He was socialized as and lived as a woman until fairly recently, including throughout most of the story, so I think a lot of the "cis men are useless" stereotypes aren't super applicable here.
You know this doesn’t make his behavior any better or more excusable, right?
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:57 AM on July 9, 2022 [12 favorites]
You know this doesn’t make his behavior any better or more excusable, right?
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:57 AM on July 9, 2022 [12 favorites]
J. Is a poop milkshake. The End.
posted by kate4914 at 11:24 AM on July 9, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by kate4914 at 11:24 AM on July 9, 2022 [6 favorites]
you feel like you made the wrong decision because he abandoned you long before you officially left, and being abandoned by someone who made promises to you feels horrible. so you feel horrible. but he is the one who made the wrong decision and continued to make it, over and over. you did not choose to be without a loving and supportive partner! he chose that for you! all you did was refuse to go on denying reality. that was brave.
you aren't wrong to miss the partner you wish he was, but he left you long before you made it official. you didn't do anything to make him fail you. the hardest thing is not that you made the wrong decision, but that it wasn't your decision at all. you want him back, but not him as he was, him as he should have been. and that guy doesn't exist. it was never in your power to make him be a kind and loving partner. it wasn't ever up to you.
the actual decision you did make was the decision to face a cruel reality, name it, and cope with it. that wasn't wrong.
As bad as this crap is, I know in my heart J isn't a bad person,
when you want something badly enough, wanting feels like knowing.
posted by queenofbithynia at 1:10 PM on July 9, 2022 [3 favorites]
you aren't wrong to miss the partner you wish he was, but he left you long before you made it official. you didn't do anything to make him fail you. the hardest thing is not that you made the wrong decision, but that it wasn't your decision at all. you want him back, but not him as he was, him as he should have been. and that guy doesn't exist. it was never in your power to make him be a kind and loving partner. it wasn't ever up to you.
the actual decision you did make was the decision to face a cruel reality, name it, and cope with it. that wasn't wrong.
As bad as this crap is, I know in my heart J isn't a bad person,
when you want something badly enough, wanting feels like knowing.
posted by queenofbithynia at 1:10 PM on July 9, 2022 [3 favorites]
OP, when I read your post, I see a stunning list of GOOD decisions, under the most trying conditions imaginable.
I see that, before your diagnosis, you supported your partner, and don’t seem to express any resentment about that.
I see that you managed to keep up the work with your providers through FIVE YEARS of intense, disorienting, debilitating treatment, that that work helped you get through to the other side and SURVIVE. Holy fuck, OP! This is amazing!
I see that you were able to ask your partner for help when they did not step up automatically, and to take care of *yourself* when they refused.
I see that that, once you got out of the fog, you identified behavior that was hurting, brought it up openly, and asked to speak with a professional to help make repair. It sounds like the two of you tried a few different counselors - if you did the searching and the calling and the scheduling, that is *effort*, with love and good faith, on the side of your relationship.
I see that, when counseling didn’t facilitate resolution, that you took space for yourself by moving out, and that in order to get that space you reached out to friends who *could* and *did* and probably were *glad* to support you in a way your partner could not.
I see that you ended a long-term relationship - a together-for-life-level relationship - long before crisis mode, at a point when you realized that your partner was not able, for whatever reason, to support you in the way you need and want to be supported. I see you still caring deeply for them and not re-casting them as a villain.
Holy shit, OP! The strength here that so many humans wish we could have when caught in a relationship with someone we love but who isn’t right for us!
I see that *after* you had doubts and reached out to your ex and heard that they don’t want to get back together, that you moved *again*, to a vibrant city, where you found a great new job, AND a therapist that you like. FUCK yeah!
OP, I’m not trying to be full-Pollyanna here, or to write a sanitized version of these events - you are going through hard, painful times. I had a complex-grief LTR breakup in my late twenties, after only seven years together - and it hurt worse than anything I had or have experienced since.
But *even though you are in the midst of such difficulty and pain*, I see you still taking care of your SELF, fighting for your self. To use a cheesy line that I used to scoff at when I lived in the thick of Western Buddhists, I see you being your *own great protector*. There is nothing more powerful than that.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 1:11 PM on July 9, 2022 [24 favorites]
I see that, before your diagnosis, you supported your partner, and don’t seem to express any resentment about that.
I see that you managed to keep up the work with your providers through FIVE YEARS of intense, disorienting, debilitating treatment, that that work helped you get through to the other side and SURVIVE. Holy fuck, OP! This is amazing!
I see that you were able to ask your partner for help when they did not step up automatically, and to take care of *yourself* when they refused.
I see that that, once you got out of the fog, you identified behavior that was hurting, brought it up openly, and asked to speak with a professional to help make repair. It sounds like the two of you tried a few different counselors - if you did the searching and the calling and the scheduling, that is *effort*, with love and good faith, on the side of your relationship.
I see that, when counseling didn’t facilitate resolution, that you took space for yourself by moving out, and that in order to get that space you reached out to friends who *could* and *did* and probably were *glad* to support you in a way your partner could not.
I see that you ended a long-term relationship - a together-for-life-level relationship - long before crisis mode, at a point when you realized that your partner was not able, for whatever reason, to support you in the way you need and want to be supported. I see you still caring deeply for them and not re-casting them as a villain.
Holy shit, OP! The strength here that so many humans wish we could have when caught in a relationship with someone we love but who isn’t right for us!
I see that *after* you had doubts and reached out to your ex and heard that they don’t want to get back together, that you moved *again*, to a vibrant city, where you found a great new job, AND a therapist that you like. FUCK yeah!
OP, I’m not trying to be full-Pollyanna here, or to write a sanitized version of these events - you are going through hard, painful times. I had a complex-grief LTR breakup in my late twenties, after only seven years together - and it hurt worse than anything I had or have experienced since.
But *even though you are in the midst of such difficulty and pain*, I see you still taking care of your SELF, fighting for your self. To use a cheesy line that I used to scoff at when I lived in the thick of Western Buddhists, I see you being your *own great protector*. There is nothing more powerful than that.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 1:11 PM on July 9, 2022 [24 favorites]
Books and resources: I grew up with a mom who practiced Tibetan Buddhism - there’s a lot of not-great baggage there, and I am an atheist anthropologist who is deeply squicked by spiritual fetishization, but there are some teachers/teachings that I still find really helpful.
When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron
Free online talks and meditations from Tara Brach, who incorporates respect for science and other spiritual and secular wisdom traditions in her work - many are targeted at specific feelings (anger, shame, loss), which can make them easier to navigate. When I couldn’t afford therapy, I would listen to these while housecleaning and then lie on the floor and cry.
I’ve heard many people recommend Kristen Neff’s meditations on self-compassion - I think they are available for free on Insight Timer.
I’ve only recently learned about the terms complex grief and ambiguous loss.
I came across Prentis Hemphill during the pandemic, and their somatic exercises felt like a very different way of processing difficult feelings.
Dancing around my apartment to music - not just boogie-down music, but big-feelings, wild-possibilities music, has been important to me since I was a kid. Here on MetaFilter, eotvos recently posted about a dance piece that contains this song, which has always felt incredibly healing for me.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 1:51 PM on July 9, 2022 [4 favorites]
When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron
Free online talks and meditations from Tara Brach, who incorporates respect for science and other spiritual and secular wisdom traditions in her work - many are targeted at specific feelings (anger, shame, loss), which can make them easier to navigate. When I couldn’t afford therapy, I would listen to these while housecleaning and then lie on the floor and cry.
I’ve heard many people recommend Kristen Neff’s meditations on self-compassion - I think they are available for free on Insight Timer.
I’ve only recently learned about the terms complex grief and ambiguous loss.
I came across Prentis Hemphill during the pandemic, and their somatic exercises felt like a very different way of processing difficult feelings.
Dancing around my apartment to music - not just boogie-down music, but big-feelings, wild-possibilities music, has been important to me since I was a kid. Here on MetaFilter, eotvos recently posted about a dance piece that contains this song, which has always felt incredibly healing for me.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 1:51 PM on July 9, 2022 [4 favorites]
Here are some other of my favorite feel-it-out movement songs (ordered from sweeter/softer to louder/more FUCK-YEAH feels).
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 2:03 PM on July 9, 2022
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 2:03 PM on July 9, 2022
You did not make this decision in a vacuum. If you had not made this decision, it was going to get made for you and you were going to end up with the same approximate results. I think as much as you ache for the good times, J was not equipped for bad times and failed to step up and relationships do not recover from that. J was in more than a few ways abusive, and relationships do not recover from that. The failure was going to come eventually, it was unavoidable, because bad times are unavoidable.
Even if J had done a better job of rising to the occasion, the odds were not in your favor. Catastrophic life events, because they change everyone who experiences them in often very random ways, often end relationships - sometimes even extremely supportive and previously solid relationships can't ever escape what that crisis mode and what those terrible terrifying lows do to people and connections.
I think if you stop crushing yourself under the false narrative that this was your fault and your choice and it was all something under your control, you will actually begin to heal and feel better. There's also the likelihood that you are clinging to that narrative out of fear of the amount of rage that will pour out of you if you break the seal. That's what the therapist is for, to give you tools to manage that fallout, but you have to start with the first step of accepting that two people made this decision and for at least one of them it is final. And honestly, that person made their decision long before you did, so much so that it was really not even a choice you had at all. In the end all you did was make official what was clearly obvious informally.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:33 PM on July 9, 2022 [6 favorites]
Even if J had done a better job of rising to the occasion, the odds were not in your favor. Catastrophic life events, because they change everyone who experiences them in often very random ways, often end relationships - sometimes even extremely supportive and previously solid relationships can't ever escape what that crisis mode and what those terrible terrifying lows do to people and connections.
I think if you stop crushing yourself under the false narrative that this was your fault and your choice and it was all something under your control, you will actually begin to heal and feel better. There's also the likelihood that you are clinging to that narrative out of fear of the amount of rage that will pour out of you if you break the seal. That's what the therapist is for, to give you tools to manage that fallout, but you have to start with the first step of accepting that two people made this decision and for at least one of them it is final. And honestly, that person made their decision long before you did, so much so that it was really not even a choice you had at all. In the end all you did was make official what was clearly obvious informally.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:33 PM on July 9, 2022 [6 favorites]
I think a lot of the "cis men are useless" stereotypes aren't super applicable here.
every woman who makes excuses for a partner's bewildering cruelty can find reasons why her own partner is special and different and individual and deserves consideration and understanding and why his behavior is not conditioned by sexist norms, even when it looks like the purest example of those sexist norms anyone has ever seen. every woman can, and many of us do at some point. all of us can see it clearly when other women are doing it. fewer of us can see it when it's us.
do I mean "every straight woman" when I say every woman? no, I do not. does this pattern only arise with partners who are cis men? no, it does not. I would beware of reading that in to convince yourself that the standard (stereotyped, even) criticisms of your ex do not or cannot possibly apply.
and I would not go so far as to criticize you, because you haven't done anything wrong at all, but queer women are not immune to self-deception, self-sacrifice, or the urge to idealize masculine partners at their own expense. I myself am a straight woman, but I am the kind who thinks she is too smart to be influenced by the sexism/heterosexism I know all about and consciously reject. and so I can speak with some degree of authority when I say you are most vulnerable to being mistreated and to rationalizing it when you let yourself believe that these patterns are mostly an issue for other kinds of people and other kinds of relationships.
tl;dr: you don't have to believe that gendered resentment and entitlement play any part in why he is the way he is. maybe it actually doesn't. but be careful of reasoning that men who behave like your ex did are only like that because they're cis men, and your ex isn't a cis man, and therefore he must not be like that. that doesn't follow. he is how he is, even if it seems like he shouldn't be.
posted by queenofbithynia at 2:59 PM on July 9, 2022 [14 favorites]
every woman who makes excuses for a partner's bewildering cruelty can find reasons why her own partner is special and different and individual and deserves consideration and understanding and why his behavior is not conditioned by sexist norms, even when it looks like the purest example of those sexist norms anyone has ever seen. every woman can, and many of us do at some point. all of us can see it clearly when other women are doing it. fewer of us can see it when it's us.
do I mean "every straight woman" when I say every woman? no, I do not. does this pattern only arise with partners who are cis men? no, it does not. I would beware of reading that in to convince yourself that the standard (stereotyped, even) criticisms of your ex do not or cannot possibly apply.
and I would not go so far as to criticize you, because you haven't done anything wrong at all, but queer women are not immune to self-deception, self-sacrifice, or the urge to idealize masculine partners at their own expense. I myself am a straight woman, but I am the kind who thinks she is too smart to be influenced by the sexism/heterosexism I know all about and consciously reject. and so I can speak with some degree of authority when I say you are most vulnerable to being mistreated and to rationalizing it when you let yourself believe that these patterns are mostly an issue for other kinds of people and other kinds of relationships.
tl;dr: you don't have to believe that gendered resentment and entitlement play any part in why he is the way he is. maybe it actually doesn't. but be careful of reasoning that men who behave like your ex did are only like that because they're cis men, and your ex isn't a cis man, and therefore he must not be like that. that doesn't follow. he is how he is, even if it seems like he shouldn't be.
posted by queenofbithynia at 2:59 PM on July 9, 2022 [14 favorites]
During this time, they started spending less and less time with me and demanding more and more time alone, including in some pretty messed up ways (e.g. I wasn't "allowed" to talk to them on certain days so they could get a break).
J effectively abandoning me in a hospital where I was getting IV antibiotics for 5 or 6 days and refusing to talk to me or see me as my hair was falling out.
I broke down on a friend's couch and Partner refused to pick me up or help me in any way because his band was having a show the next day. To this day, he is utterly convinced that I was purposely sabotaging his efforts to be in a band
When I opened this I anticipated it might be a case of a partner not quite meeting expectations in crisis, but what happened here was straight-up abandonment and selfishness. I'm really sorry you had to go through all of this. As was already mentioned, most humans need someone to be their caretaker more than once in life, and J has proven not just inept at caretaking, but downright cruel in the face of another's illness. It's one thing to say "Hey, I'm too tired to talk, can we just watch a movie and cuddle" and quite another to make up a "no talking on x,y, and z days" rule. It's one thing to be an emotional mess and not that helpful in the face of a partner's illness, and quite another to abandon them in the hospital. And it's one thing to say "Hey, I feel awful asking this, but can I prioritize myself and my band in the next 24hrs?" and quite another to spin some far fetched conspiracy that a partner's illness is to spite you.
So yeah, you made the right choice. I think the advice to find some cancer survivor groups in order to connect with people who can relate to what you've gone through is good advice. Good luck.
posted by coffeecat at 3:57 PM on July 9, 2022 [3 favorites]
J effectively abandoning me in a hospital where I was getting IV antibiotics for 5 or 6 days and refusing to talk to me or see me as my hair was falling out.
I broke down on a friend's couch and Partner refused to pick me up or help me in any way because his band was having a show the next day. To this day, he is utterly convinced that I was purposely sabotaging his efforts to be in a band
When I opened this I anticipated it might be a case of a partner not quite meeting expectations in crisis, but what happened here was straight-up abandonment and selfishness. I'm really sorry you had to go through all of this. As was already mentioned, most humans need someone to be their caretaker more than once in life, and J has proven not just inept at caretaking, but downright cruel in the face of another's illness. It's one thing to say "Hey, I'm too tired to talk, can we just watch a movie and cuddle" and quite another to make up a "no talking on x,y, and z days" rule. It's one thing to be an emotional mess and not that helpful in the face of a partner's illness, and quite another to abandon them in the hospital. And it's one thing to say "Hey, I feel awful asking this, but can I prioritize myself and my band in the next 24hrs?" and quite another to spin some far fetched conspiracy that a partner's illness is to spite you.
So yeah, you made the right choice. I think the advice to find some cancer survivor groups in order to connect with people who can relate to what you've gone through is good advice. Good luck.
posted by coffeecat at 3:57 PM on July 9, 2022 [3 favorites]
I wanted to second the book When Things Fall Apart.
posted by wellifyouinsist at 6:36 PM on July 9, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by wellifyouinsist at 6:36 PM on July 9, 2022 [1 favorite]
I broke up with someone because of a lack of emotional care from them that I couldn't take any longer. Being the person to initiate the breakup didn't make it any easier. For a long time I missed my ex, and thought I had made a mistake, and I had missed my one chance at relationship, and partnership, and happiness like everybody else. Something that helped me, when I was ruminating over a specific situation, wondering whether it was really "bad enough" to warrant me leaving, was asking myself: would I have treated a friend the way my ex treated me in that situation? And in most cases the answer is, I wouldn't have treated a stranger the way my ex treated me in that situation. When I describe some of my ex's behaviour to other people, their faces crinkle in concern and upset on my behalf. I made these faces when reading your post. I mean, if someone from, I dunno, my book club, asked me to pick them up from hospital, I would do it, if I could. Of course I would.
The other thing, and I truly don't know if this applies to you, but it's something that has helped me, is doing some unpacking of my own mental baggage around compulsory coupledom, which I think can be pretty insidious whether you're straight or queer. How do I make my life rich and full without a partner? I'm not entirely sure I have the answer to that yet. But pondering the question is helping me.
You deserved more from a partner and I hope you get it. But even if you don't, being alone is better than having a partner who treats you with less consideration than most of us have for an acquaintance from book club.
posted by happyfrog at 8:36 PM on July 9, 2022 [3 favorites]
The other thing, and I truly don't know if this applies to you, but it's something that has helped me, is doing some unpacking of my own mental baggage around compulsory coupledom, which I think can be pretty insidious whether you're straight or queer. How do I make my life rich and full without a partner? I'm not entirely sure I have the answer to that yet. But pondering the question is helping me.
You deserved more from a partner and I hope you get it. But even if you don't, being alone is better than having a partner who treats you with less consideration than most of us have for an acquaintance from book club.
posted by happyfrog at 8:36 PM on July 9, 2022 [3 favorites]
From one cancer and chemotherapy survivor to another: you did the right thing.
I have acquaintances from jobs I had for six months eight years ago who were more empathetic and supportive of me during treatment than J was of you. Also, like, the guy who works at the gas station across the street from us - when my hair all fell out, he told me my new beanies looked nice on me. It is truly so easy a thing to do that near strangers are capable of it.
The post-chemo brain fog is truly a bitch when you’re trying to make sense of your life, so I’m glad you have your friends on MetaFilter to remind you of how terrible this person was!
Wouldn’t talk to you as your hair was falling out? That’s a hard pass. Prioritized their band or something (??!!) while their significant other had a terrifying health crisis? Concrete wall level pass. Mandated days where you weren’t allowed to speak to them? We are so far past this person we can’t even see them in the rearview mirror! Bye, asshole! See you never!
I am really not trying to be flippant. I know you’re hurting. But I hope you can see that you’ve already done the hardest thing - fought for your life and won - and that in comparison, this person is maybe a minor footnote in the story of your life.
You are a strong person so, so capable of making decisions in their own best interest, decisions that lay a solid foundation for a life where people who treat you like shit aren’t even let through the front door. You have good instincts. Keep trusting them.
Also - Audre Lorde’s The Cancer Journals helped me in processing some of my feelings. So did getting a membership to one of those places where you smash the plates. So did filling balloons with finger paint, attaching them to canvases, and then throwing darts at them in my backyard. This last one is very good for working out strong emotions.
Lastly - do you like/could you get a pet? Just seeing my cat is like an instant serotonin injection straight to my brain, that’s how much I love him.
posted by oywiththepoodles at 9:14 PM on July 9, 2022 [11 favorites]
I have acquaintances from jobs I had for six months eight years ago who were more empathetic and supportive of me during treatment than J was of you. Also, like, the guy who works at the gas station across the street from us - when my hair all fell out, he told me my new beanies looked nice on me. It is truly so easy a thing to do that near strangers are capable of it.
The post-chemo brain fog is truly a bitch when you’re trying to make sense of your life, so I’m glad you have your friends on MetaFilter to remind you of how terrible this person was!
Wouldn’t talk to you as your hair was falling out? That’s a hard pass. Prioritized their band or something (??!!) while their significant other had a terrifying health crisis? Concrete wall level pass. Mandated days where you weren’t allowed to speak to them? We are so far past this person we can’t even see them in the rearview mirror! Bye, asshole! See you never!
I am really not trying to be flippant. I know you’re hurting. But I hope you can see that you’ve already done the hardest thing - fought for your life and won - and that in comparison, this person is maybe a minor footnote in the story of your life.
You are a strong person so, so capable of making decisions in their own best interest, decisions that lay a solid foundation for a life where people who treat you like shit aren’t even let through the front door. You have good instincts. Keep trusting them.
Also - Audre Lorde’s The Cancer Journals helped me in processing some of my feelings. So did getting a membership to one of those places where you smash the plates. So did filling balloons with finger paint, attaching them to canvases, and then throwing darts at them in my backyard. This last one is very good for working out strong emotions.
Lastly - do you like/could you get a pet? Just seeing my cat is like an instant serotonin injection straight to my brain, that’s how much I love him.
posted by oywiththepoodles at 9:14 PM on July 9, 2022 [11 favorites]
Last year I ended a long relationship because my partner wasn't emotionally present for me when I needed them. Being so close to someone while knowing that they were not invested enough to drop everything for me when I needed them to (hospital visits, etc.) felt really unsafe in a way that being single does not. Intimacy without the support I wanted to come from that intimacy made me feel crappy day in and day out.
A big part of my recovery from that has been focusing on how I'm now in a situation in which I can grow better than when someone who wasn't what I needed was taking up so much of my time and headspace. Even though I have felt like crap and desperately miss my partner sometimes, I know that I've positioned myself so I can have a life that's closer to what I want in the long run. For me, no partner is better than putting energy towards one who isn't there for me - I can spend that energy on more productive things, like deepening my community or growing my career or painting my bedroom. Some days I needed to remind myself of that more than others, but I can see how much healthier I am now.
posted by metasarah at 6:51 AM on July 10, 2022 [5 favorites]
A big part of my recovery from that has been focusing on how I'm now in a situation in which I can grow better than when someone who wasn't what I needed was taking up so much of my time and headspace. Even though I have felt like crap and desperately miss my partner sometimes, I know that I've positioned myself so I can have a life that's closer to what I want in the long run. For me, no partner is better than putting energy towards one who isn't there for me - I can spend that energy on more productive things, like deepening my community or growing my career or painting my bedroom. Some days I needed to remind myself of that more than others, but I can see how much healthier I am now.
posted by metasarah at 6:51 AM on July 10, 2022 [5 favorites]
Oh my gosh, OP. J treated you horribly. Here I thought I had a selfish, thoughtless, feckless ex (divorced after 20 years) -- J leaves mine in the dust.
Like other commenters, I am in awe of your strength of will and the correctness of your actions. I strongly doubt J is even capable of being a decent partner, and certainly would never have been the partner you deserve. You made the right call when you left, and I hope if nothing else the comments here have affirmed you in that.
That's not to say that making the right call leads directly to a bed of roses. My divorce was absolutely the right call -- a call I should have stuck to years earlier, when I first made it -- yet I'm still looking for what a fulfilling life can possibly mean in the midst of All This. If you're still looking too, give yourself grace. All This is a lot, never mind all the personal thises you've been dealing with. Sometimes day by day is, has to be, enough.
If you ever come up to the Madison area, give a shout. I'd be happy to treat you to something you'd enjoy, and I also have a spare room.
posted by humbug at 11:19 AM on July 10, 2022 [5 favorites]
Like other commenters, I am in awe of your strength of will and the correctness of your actions. I strongly doubt J is even capable of being a decent partner, and certainly would never have been the partner you deserve. You made the right call when you left, and I hope if nothing else the comments here have affirmed you in that.
That's not to say that making the right call leads directly to a bed of roses. My divorce was absolutely the right call -- a call I should have stuck to years earlier, when I first made it -- yet I'm still looking for what a fulfilling life can possibly mean in the midst of All This. If you're still looking too, give yourself grace. All This is a lot, never mind all the personal thises you've been dealing with. Sometimes day by day is, has to be, enough.
If you ever come up to the Madison area, give a shout. I'd be happy to treat you to something you'd enjoy, and I also have a spare room.
posted by humbug at 11:19 AM on July 10, 2022 [5 favorites]
J doesn’t have to be a bad person to be a bad partner, and he was totally a bad partner. Focus on celebrating that you recognize that you deserve better, Ana have taken steps to make that possible!! Try rewriting your narrative in an affirmative frame: you’ve survived a dread disease! You’ve escaped the trap of an imbalanced and unsupportive relationship! YOU ARE A POWERHOUSE.
Book recommendation: It’s Not Your Money By Tosha Silver. It’s about money, yes, but it’s also about giving and receiving more generally, as well as kindness and loving yourself. Trust that you are on the way to better things BECAUSE of the choices and actions you’ve already taken!!
posted by spindrifter at 4:23 AM on July 12, 2022
Book recommendation: It’s Not Your Money By Tosha Silver. It’s about money, yes, but it’s also about giving and receiving more generally, as well as kindness and loving yourself. Trust that you are on the way to better things BECAUSE of the choices and actions you’ve already taken!!
posted by spindrifter at 4:23 AM on July 12, 2022
I have connections in Chicago, good people who would, at the least, have a coffee with you and listen to your story. Memail me if you want a setup.
posted by longtime_lurker at 4:35 PM on July 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by longtime_lurker at 4:35 PM on July 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
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posted by smorgasbord at 10:57 PM on July 8, 2022 [34 favorites]