How to say yes to more things.
July 6, 2022 3:30 AM Subscribe
I overthink everything and doubt every little decision. I end up invariably playing it safe, saying no, and then regretting it. The result of this is that over the past 5 years I have made no real 'progress' with anything in my life. I think there are advantages to thinking things through, doing your research etc. But I'm seeking advice about how to not blow everything up into a big deal, taking a few risks, biting the bullet etc. How do you just go ahead and do the thing?
Example 1: Job
I like my job but there are MANY things about it that are not ideal. My first 12 months in this role were really tough as I transitioned to working in a complex and confusing organisation. For a long time I had an abusive manager. Now, I don't, and my situation is much better. But there are many reasons I should consider looking elsewhere, e.g. commute, salary etc, and I have applied for multiple roles over the last few years. I've even gotten a few job offers but ultimately always turned them down because I wasn't convinced the package was good enough to justify a move, plus I fear the inevitable trauma of transition and what new abusive managers or horrible co-workers etc lurk in my future. I've ended up staying in my current job for a very long time - 'better the devil you know'. I could do better and be happier elsewhere. I am just too chicken-hearted to make the jump.
Example 2: Cat
I have wanted a cat for years and years. But I am really worried about it all going wrong. I can think of so many potential problems; there's a few cat-focused questions in my ask history if you're interested. There is no doubt that getting a cat complicates my life a LOT as a single person with not much of a support network but it's just been something I've wanted and thought about for many years and I feel like once the initial transition had taken place it'd probably be really good and rewarding. I've fostered a cat in the past - it went fine, but it wasn't for very long, so we didn't really have time to go through any of the nightmare scenarios I'd been worried about!
I must stress that these are just two examples of a problem that plagues my life and I'm not specifically asking for advice with the job problem or the cat problem. Because of my tendency to catastrophise (I guess that's the word?), I avoid things that carry even the slightest possibility of failure (even though the more likely result is that things will be ok). This is the reason I haven't even tried to date for years, have not made any major city or country-wide moves etc. I know that a large part of my fear of fucking up is that I don't have a partner, my family can't really support me (on the contrary, they actually need my support) and although I have a wide network of friends I don't really know how to lean on them for support and practical help either. It makes me feel very uncomfortable to be obligated, so there is a part of me that would rather keep my own life simple and uncomplicated so I never need to ask anyone for help.
My current approach has resulted in a fairly stable life which is no bad thing but it also means I have massive FOMO as I see my friends just going for it and making life choices that seem risky but end up being rewarding.
I've tried talking this through with my therapist, but if I'm honest I haven't found him very helpful with these larger more existential issues and I'm thinking of moving on.
I'd be interested in learning how other Mefites deal with issues like this. Any insight would be super appreciated.
Example 1: Job
I like my job but there are MANY things about it that are not ideal. My first 12 months in this role were really tough as I transitioned to working in a complex and confusing organisation. For a long time I had an abusive manager. Now, I don't, and my situation is much better. But there are many reasons I should consider looking elsewhere, e.g. commute, salary etc, and I have applied for multiple roles over the last few years. I've even gotten a few job offers but ultimately always turned them down because I wasn't convinced the package was good enough to justify a move, plus I fear the inevitable trauma of transition and what new abusive managers or horrible co-workers etc lurk in my future. I've ended up staying in my current job for a very long time - 'better the devil you know'. I could do better and be happier elsewhere. I am just too chicken-hearted to make the jump.
Example 2: Cat
I have wanted a cat for years and years. But I am really worried about it all going wrong. I can think of so many potential problems; there's a few cat-focused questions in my ask history if you're interested. There is no doubt that getting a cat complicates my life a LOT as a single person with not much of a support network but it's just been something I've wanted and thought about for many years and I feel like once the initial transition had taken place it'd probably be really good and rewarding. I've fostered a cat in the past - it went fine, but it wasn't for very long, so we didn't really have time to go through any of the nightmare scenarios I'd been worried about!
I must stress that these are just two examples of a problem that plagues my life and I'm not specifically asking for advice with the job problem or the cat problem. Because of my tendency to catastrophise (I guess that's the word?), I avoid things that carry even the slightest possibility of failure (even though the more likely result is that things will be ok). This is the reason I haven't even tried to date for years, have not made any major city or country-wide moves etc. I know that a large part of my fear of fucking up is that I don't have a partner, my family can't really support me (on the contrary, they actually need my support) and although I have a wide network of friends I don't really know how to lean on them for support and practical help either. It makes me feel very uncomfortable to be obligated, so there is a part of me that would rather keep my own life simple and uncomplicated so I never need to ask anyone for help.
My current approach has resulted in a fairly stable life which is no bad thing but it also means I have massive FOMO as I see my friends just going for it and making life choices that seem risky but end up being rewarding.
I've tried talking this through with my therapist, but if I'm honest I haven't found him very helpful with these larger more existential issues and I'm thinking of moving on.
I'd be interested in learning how other Mefites deal with issues like this. Any insight would be super appreciated.
Sounds like you're very loss averse - rather the bird in the hand than the two in the bush kinda person. That's not a bad thing, but like you're finding, it can be limiting if you let it be. I find myself the same way, especially around money as I grew up without any and I fear loss of money much more than I want to seek out earning more money (as an example). Maybe your losses are different, maybe they are worth exploring how they impact on your choices now (a different therapist may see things in that context?) and might inform what you can do to either - let yourself know life is different now and you do have the resources to cope if {catastrophic thing} were to happen, or work on the anxiety behind taking that leap!
posted by london explorer girl at 6:45 AM on July 6, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by london explorer girl at 6:45 AM on July 6, 2022 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I'm a reformed overthinker and so I have some thoughts. :) :) :)
So, what you are trying to do at the bottom of things is make only correct choices so that nothing bad happens. This is particularly prevalent in the United States where things are...weirdly sharp, by Canadian standards, for example a busted tail light can eventually put you in jail and there aren't great social nets. So it makes sense that you have absorbed the idea that the Right Thinkers will not end up in need of anything.
The thing is, you can't prevent bad things in this way. Like, there are a few you can - pay your bills on time, keep things in good repair. But you can't guarantee that you won't get a new toxic manager next week. You can't guarantee that you won't need help for reasons beyond your control.
But what if you could learn to feel okay where you are and know that if you make a Wrong Choice, you can correct it? For example, if you did take a job that was wrong for you, you could...find a new one. Or if you got a cat and it was too much, you could...rehome it. What's more, even if you did end up in a bad position in some nefarious way, you could be okay.
Weirdly some of the worst times of my life taught me this. I went through a lot of infertility and finally had a full-term pregnancy. I did everything by the book - I didn't eat anything that could have listeria etc. etc. etc. I interviewed multiple ob-gyns. I chose a hospital based on its reputation as a great birthing centre.
During labour, the hospital royally and completely fucked up and as a result, my daughter first was in a terrible state and then died, in part because we removed life support. If you had told me this was a possible outcome I would probably have had my tubes tied.
But living through that experience - look, it was awful. But as we were holding our daughter for the hours she took to pass from this life, my husband and I both knew that we were going to try again, because...we loved her. We were glad for her even with the pain that came with her. And we had learned something about parenting that we hope most parents never need to know but it was that we were so much more able to --I don't know how to explain this -- be present with the reality of things than we thought. I couldn't control things. It was a profoundly wrong experience. But I was still - me and there. There were dark, really dark days, I'm not going to lie. But here I am.
You too can make choices, even go through really hard experiences (which will come whether you make choices or not) and be okay.
Maybe talk to your therapist, or a new therapist, about that idea. Being okay with imperfection.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:46 AM on July 6, 2022 [28 favorites]
So, what you are trying to do at the bottom of things is make only correct choices so that nothing bad happens. This is particularly prevalent in the United States where things are...weirdly sharp, by Canadian standards, for example a busted tail light can eventually put you in jail and there aren't great social nets. So it makes sense that you have absorbed the idea that the Right Thinkers will not end up in need of anything.
The thing is, you can't prevent bad things in this way. Like, there are a few you can - pay your bills on time, keep things in good repair. But you can't guarantee that you won't get a new toxic manager next week. You can't guarantee that you won't need help for reasons beyond your control.
But what if you could learn to feel okay where you are and know that if you make a Wrong Choice, you can correct it? For example, if you did take a job that was wrong for you, you could...find a new one. Or if you got a cat and it was too much, you could...rehome it. What's more, even if you did end up in a bad position in some nefarious way, you could be okay.
Weirdly some of the worst times of my life taught me this. I went through a lot of infertility and finally had a full-term pregnancy. I did everything by the book - I didn't eat anything that could have listeria etc. etc. etc. I interviewed multiple ob-gyns. I chose a hospital based on its reputation as a great birthing centre.
During labour, the hospital royally and completely fucked up and as a result, my daughter first was in a terrible state and then died, in part because we removed life support. If you had told me this was a possible outcome I would probably have had my tubes tied.
But living through that experience - look, it was awful. But as we were holding our daughter for the hours she took to pass from this life, my husband and I both knew that we were going to try again, because...we loved her. We were glad for her even with the pain that came with her. And we had learned something about parenting that we hope most parents never need to know but it was that we were so much more able to --I don't know how to explain this -- be present with the reality of things than we thought. I couldn't control things. It was a profoundly wrong experience. But I was still - me and there. There were dark, really dark days, I'm not going to lie. But here I am.
You too can make choices, even go through really hard experiences (which will come whether you make choices or not) and be okay.
Maybe talk to your therapist, or a new therapist, about that idea. Being okay with imperfection.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:46 AM on July 6, 2022 [28 favorites]
How well off are you financially? If you've got a decent cushion saved up, a good thing to note is that many "little" decisions are solvable with money. I'm not suggesting that you solve all (or most) of your problems with money but rather, that you can lean on finances to back you up if you run into difficulty. That makes a lot of the decisions much lower stakes; at worst it's not a Problem but an Expense.
IE, going through your examples:
1. A job isn't permanent. If you take a different job and it turns out you don't like it, you can always switch jobs again. It may take some time to find another job that you like, but if you've got the finances to weather it, the risk just isn't that bad. Also, look at it as an adventure: hopefully it'll be a better job than your current one but regardless, it'll be a new experience, you'll learn something, meet new people, etc and if in the end you decide you don't like it, that's OK. In any case, once you make the move it probably won't be as scary as you now think.
2. If you actually want a cat, most cat-related difficulties are logistics. I suspect you'll find those easier to solve than you currently think. I recently got (my first) dog; for years and years I wanted one but dreaded all the difficulties and logistics. When we finally got one, the logistics turned out to be tough but not as bad as I feared. And once some time passed, I established a routine, figured out how to do some things more efficiently, etc it turned out that the day-to-day is actually pretty easy and a lot of the "what-ifs" I pondered just aren't that bad. What got me over the hump is realizing that worst come to worst, I could throw some money at it: if the dog was too distracting during the day or I had no time to walk her, (I WFH) I could hire a dog walker; if I wanted to out for the day and not bring her, she can go to a doggy day care or get dog walkers; if we needed to go on vacation and nobody could take care of her I could pay for boarding, etc. It actually turned out that most of those are unnecessary: most of the "problems" turned out to be non-issues. But realizing that at worst these were all expenses and not actual Problems made it much easier to proceed.
posted by bsdfish at 6:53 AM on July 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
IE, going through your examples:
1. A job isn't permanent. If you take a different job and it turns out you don't like it, you can always switch jobs again. It may take some time to find another job that you like, but if you've got the finances to weather it, the risk just isn't that bad. Also, look at it as an adventure: hopefully it'll be a better job than your current one but regardless, it'll be a new experience, you'll learn something, meet new people, etc and if in the end you decide you don't like it, that's OK. In any case, once you make the move it probably won't be as scary as you now think.
2. If you actually want a cat, most cat-related difficulties are logistics. I suspect you'll find those easier to solve than you currently think. I recently got (my first) dog; for years and years I wanted one but dreaded all the difficulties and logistics. When we finally got one, the logistics turned out to be tough but not as bad as I feared. And once some time passed, I established a routine, figured out how to do some things more efficiently, etc it turned out that the day-to-day is actually pretty easy and a lot of the "what-ifs" I pondered just aren't that bad. What got me over the hump is realizing that worst come to worst, I could throw some money at it: if the dog was too distracting during the day or I had no time to walk her, (I WFH) I could hire a dog walker; if I wanted to out for the day and not bring her, she can go to a doggy day care or get dog walkers; if we needed to go on vacation and nobody could take care of her I could pay for boarding, etc. It actually turned out that most of those are unnecessary: most of the "problems" turned out to be non-issues. But realizing that at worst these were all expenses and not actual Problems made it much easier to proceed.
posted by bsdfish at 6:53 AM on July 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
I have found working on cognitive behavioral therapy exercises (there are lots of worksheets / books on this) and reading "The Worry Cure" (cheesy name, but more like CBT focused on a subset of issues) have been really helpful. (Along with getting a therapist and on medication.)
I like to also remind myself of the times when I did hard things and made it through stressful times, e.g., I am someone who can do tough shit, so why wouldn't I be able to make it through future tough shit?
I find writing down the outcomes and assigning them possibilities to be particularly helpful. E.g., if I move jobs, the worst that could happen is -- the job totally sucks, I'm bad at it, and I'll get fired. The best thing that could happen is -- the job is totally amazing, I'm great at it, and I get promoted/rewards/bonuses/whatever. The likely thing to happen is -- the job is probably OK with some things that are good, and some things that are bad.
The probability of the worst case happening goes down if you do due diligence, and each portion of the worst case depends on each other -- e.g., what's the probability that the job totally sucks, AND that I'm also bad at it, AND I get fired b/c I'm not able to find a different job before that happens? So, the truly truly worst case is actually pretty minimal. Jobs can suck, maybe that's 15% chance. Me being bad at a job that sucks, that's 50%. Me getting fired before I find myself a new job is 50%? So 15% x 50% x 50% = 3.75%.
For me, seeing just how unlikely the bad outcomes are, and breaking apart where I have areas of agency is helpful. So what if a job sucks and I'm bad at it? I can work harder, take X class, etc. It doesn't automatically mean I'll get fired. You have control usually at each step, and usually some bit of warning.
I also work deliberately on thinking through what are the good outcomes. My brain jumps to the worst outcomes (of course), so, on average, I'm more pessimistic than usual. So, if I deliberately try to vision the good outcomes, it'll help me have a more balanced view of the situation. I find it particularly helpful to tell myself a story of how a good outcome can be achieved (just like I find it super easy to automatically tell myself how the worst outcome can happen). Something like -- I am picky in assessing and accepting a new job and do a lot of due diligence, b/c of this, I find myself in a job that suits my strengths and is in a healthy culture, this enables me to thrive, and so I get good performance ratings and bonuses and promotions and such b/c people recognize my abilities.
posted by ellerhodes at 6:56 AM on July 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
I like to also remind myself of the times when I did hard things and made it through stressful times, e.g., I am someone who can do tough shit, so why wouldn't I be able to make it through future tough shit?
I find writing down the outcomes and assigning them possibilities to be particularly helpful. E.g., if I move jobs, the worst that could happen is -- the job totally sucks, I'm bad at it, and I'll get fired. The best thing that could happen is -- the job is totally amazing, I'm great at it, and I get promoted/rewards/bonuses/whatever. The likely thing to happen is -- the job is probably OK with some things that are good, and some things that are bad.
The probability of the worst case happening goes down if you do due diligence, and each portion of the worst case depends on each other -- e.g., what's the probability that the job totally sucks, AND that I'm also bad at it, AND I get fired b/c I'm not able to find a different job before that happens? So, the truly truly worst case is actually pretty minimal. Jobs can suck, maybe that's 15% chance. Me being bad at a job that sucks, that's 50%. Me getting fired before I find myself a new job is 50%? So 15% x 50% x 50% = 3.75%.
For me, seeing just how unlikely the bad outcomes are, and breaking apart where I have areas of agency is helpful. So what if a job sucks and I'm bad at it? I can work harder, take X class, etc. It doesn't automatically mean I'll get fired. You have control usually at each step, and usually some bit of warning.
I also work deliberately on thinking through what are the good outcomes. My brain jumps to the worst outcomes (of course), so, on average, I'm more pessimistic than usual. So, if I deliberately try to vision the good outcomes, it'll help me have a more balanced view of the situation. I find it particularly helpful to tell myself a story of how a good outcome can be achieved (just like I find it super easy to automatically tell myself how the worst outcome can happen). Something like -- I am picky in assessing and accepting a new job and do a lot of due diligence, b/c of this, I find myself in a job that suits my strengths and is in a healthy culture, this enables me to thrive, and so I get good performance ratings and bonuses and promotions and such b/c people recognize my abilities.
posted by ellerhodes at 6:56 AM on July 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
So the thing about these two examples is, neither is something you want to do on a whim. Let's reframe this and say that it's actually a pretty good thing that you're not changing jobs every couple of months, or adopting pets you don't know if you can support. Stability is pretty underrated. My uncle and I were discussing a distant relative once, who always seemed to be involved in some crazy drama or another, and I mentioned how boring my life was in comparison. My uncle said "I love my boring life!" It stuck with me, especially because I had a pretty difficult childhood and a stable adulthood was never really guaranteed. I don't know your specifics, but I can infer that you've also had some experiences that have led you to value stability more than risk-taking, and that's OK. Congratulations on that!
I understand the desire to take more risks; I wish I took more risks too. But the place to start taking risks isn't with life-altering decisions. It's with really small, meaningless decisions - i.e., where the cost of failure is minimal. Try eating something new for dinner, for example, something you're pretty sure you won't like. I have some things with food where I want every meal to be memorably good, and so I'm really reluctant to try new restaurants or dishes. But now I live near my mother-in-law, and that means I'm obligated to eat her cooking (which I don't like, don't tell her!) fairly often. And hey, wouldn't you know? One bad meal every once in a while isn't that bad. Sometimes I'll just eat it and deal with the fact that it isn't good, or sometimes I'll stop at the McDonalds near her house on my way home. Little decisions like this teach you that there are ways to overcome bad decisions, or to recover from decisions that you thought were good but ended up not working out.
From there, you work your way up to bigger decisions. Cut your hair short, take an impromptu vacation, buy a car, etc. If it works out, you'll build confidence in your decision-making abilities (maybe you look great with shorter hair!), and if it doesn't work out, you'll learn how to overcome the mistake (hair grows back).
Most decisions are reversible in some way. Like, if you get a new job that sucks, you can always look for others, or go back to your old job. If you adopt a cat that you can't take care of, you can rehome it with someone else. Heck, even tattoos can be removed now. Reversing bad decisions often takes time and/or money, but that's what that base of stability you've been building is for. Once you've got a fairly stable life, with a defined career, some savings, etc., you can use those as basically collateral for a loan to yourself. How many people have used their savings to cover living expenses after quitting a job? Then when they get a new job, they build those savings back up. Or maybe they find a new job after only two weeks, and they don't really need to use their savings after all.
This is ironic coming from me, but "thinking things through" for any extended period of time probably doesn't help you decide. Like, yeah, think about things for an hour, sleep on it for a day or two, think about it again for an hour, maybe talk it over with another person, and that's probably enough. You're unlikely to think of anything new, pro or con, after that. It might be helpful to set a "default" decision. Like, if it's been two days, you've talked to a trusted friend, and you still can't decide, the decision is no. Will this help you make better decisions, or take more risks? No. But what it will do is to lighten the cognitive load that all this decision-making is taking on you.
posted by kevinbelt at 7:14 AM on July 6, 2022 [6 favorites]
I understand the desire to take more risks; I wish I took more risks too. But the place to start taking risks isn't with life-altering decisions. It's with really small, meaningless decisions - i.e., where the cost of failure is minimal. Try eating something new for dinner, for example, something you're pretty sure you won't like. I have some things with food where I want every meal to be memorably good, and so I'm really reluctant to try new restaurants or dishes. But now I live near my mother-in-law, and that means I'm obligated to eat her cooking (which I don't like, don't tell her!) fairly often. And hey, wouldn't you know? One bad meal every once in a while isn't that bad. Sometimes I'll just eat it and deal with the fact that it isn't good, or sometimes I'll stop at the McDonalds near her house on my way home. Little decisions like this teach you that there are ways to overcome bad decisions, or to recover from decisions that you thought were good but ended up not working out.
From there, you work your way up to bigger decisions. Cut your hair short, take an impromptu vacation, buy a car, etc. If it works out, you'll build confidence in your decision-making abilities (maybe you look great with shorter hair!), and if it doesn't work out, you'll learn how to overcome the mistake (hair grows back).
Most decisions are reversible in some way. Like, if you get a new job that sucks, you can always look for others, or go back to your old job. If you adopt a cat that you can't take care of, you can rehome it with someone else. Heck, even tattoos can be removed now. Reversing bad decisions often takes time and/or money, but that's what that base of stability you've been building is for. Once you've got a fairly stable life, with a defined career, some savings, etc., you can use those as basically collateral for a loan to yourself. How many people have used their savings to cover living expenses after quitting a job? Then when they get a new job, they build those savings back up. Or maybe they find a new job after only two weeks, and they don't really need to use their savings after all.
This is ironic coming from me, but "thinking things through" for any extended period of time probably doesn't help you decide. Like, yeah, think about things for an hour, sleep on it for a day or two, think about it again for an hour, maybe talk it over with another person, and that's probably enough. You're unlikely to think of anything new, pro or con, after that. It might be helpful to set a "default" decision. Like, if it's been two days, you've talked to a trusted friend, and you still can't decide, the decision is no. Will this help you make better decisions, or take more risks? No. But what it will do is to lighten the cognitive load that all this decision-making is taking on you.
posted by kevinbelt at 7:14 AM on July 6, 2022 [6 favorites]
One of my big life lessons has been that risk aversion brings its own risks. There is really no such thing as "playing it safe"--you're just trading one kind of risk for another. If you are a fearful person, this is a hard thing to get your head around, but it's important to understand.
posted by HotToddy at 7:35 AM on July 6, 2022 [14 favorites]
posted by HotToddy at 7:35 AM on July 6, 2022 [14 favorites]
The simplest answer to this is "practice".
Resilience isn't (much) an inherent trait. The more you stretch, the more elastic you become. The more you sit still, the less flexible you become and the smaller your safety zone becomes.
Maybe what you need right now are just some warm-up stretches before you're ready to think about your life in larger terms. Go do something mildly uncomfortable but extremely unlikely to be dangerously life-altering, and most importantly things you are not already experienced/good at: join a volunteer trash pick-up crew, sign up for a birdwatching walk, do some youtube drawing classes, order a build-your-own-birdhouse kit.
Go be bad at something unimportant! Try not to hate every second of it! Seriously, see if you can talk yourself into being terrible at finding birds and also finding joy in being so terrible at it that you can only get better and it doesn't even matter because it's not like you're hurting the birds by not finding them. Go draw the worst horse ever, a horse a kindergartener would criticize. Bake an ugly cake. See how you don't die because something went wrong. See how you figured it out eventually. See how doing it a few times made you better at it.
If you make this a part of your self-care, you start to gain perspective so that you can differentiate shades of risk. When we assess risk in a binary way, it leads to a fallacy of believing that one and only one choice is right and all other choices are wrong, but that's only true in very specific situations, if that - even when you're skydiving or flying a plane or performing brain surgery, there's very often multiple failover processes for if something goes wrong. A really good process has already taken into consideration that things very much DO go wrong, and having considered what to do then. Also a really good process knows that there are critical aspects - in your case remaining relatively financially solvent, roof over head, not in jail, etc - and many many uncritical aspects that could vary in a thousand ways and it's not actually any real factor in the outcome.
To that end, you might consider journaling through some of scenarios you're considering, and try writing through these narratives through several different filters, such as:
- a good smart competent friend of yours has asked to bounce this idea of theirs off you
- someone at a party telling the story with all kinds of wild twists and turns that happened to the plan along the way
- a grandparent fondly talking about a time in their life when they just went for it and it all worked out okay in the end
And also, journal to get in touch with what your heart wants. You don't have to do everything it wants, because sometimes the heart wants to be a rockstar or NBA hotshot and the window of opportunity, if it ever existed, has perhaps passed for those. But at least know what's in there. You talk about maybe moving, and I hear your heart wanting something there - maybe it's just the "I gotta get out of this place" feeling we all get sometimes, and maybe a twinge of "all good adults move", but it might also be a little bit of "there might be somewhere out there that suits me better" and "I want the physical and emotional experience of making this kind of very normal big decision."
(Just consider, if a big move is on the table, holding off on the cat for a bit. It expands your options.)
You're going to have a bunch of jobs in your life whether you want that or not, so you need to lower the stakes there. You can move away and then move back if you don't like it - yes, you may take a bit of a financial hit but that's not the only aspect of this that's important, having Done The Thing is meaningful life experience. You can date and have it go mostly nowhere until one day it goes somewhere, and you've lost very little and you've gained quite a lot.
You can be calmly risk-mindful but still optimistic and willing to see the advantages in even less-than-perfect situations. But you have to work at it.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:49 AM on July 6, 2022 [7 favorites]
Resilience isn't (much) an inherent trait. The more you stretch, the more elastic you become. The more you sit still, the less flexible you become and the smaller your safety zone becomes.
Maybe what you need right now are just some warm-up stretches before you're ready to think about your life in larger terms. Go do something mildly uncomfortable but extremely unlikely to be dangerously life-altering, and most importantly things you are not already experienced/good at: join a volunteer trash pick-up crew, sign up for a birdwatching walk, do some youtube drawing classes, order a build-your-own-birdhouse kit.
Go be bad at something unimportant! Try not to hate every second of it! Seriously, see if you can talk yourself into being terrible at finding birds and also finding joy in being so terrible at it that you can only get better and it doesn't even matter because it's not like you're hurting the birds by not finding them. Go draw the worst horse ever, a horse a kindergartener would criticize. Bake an ugly cake. See how you don't die because something went wrong. See how you figured it out eventually. See how doing it a few times made you better at it.
If you make this a part of your self-care, you start to gain perspective so that you can differentiate shades of risk. When we assess risk in a binary way, it leads to a fallacy of believing that one and only one choice is right and all other choices are wrong, but that's only true in very specific situations, if that - even when you're skydiving or flying a plane or performing brain surgery, there's very often multiple failover processes for if something goes wrong. A really good process has already taken into consideration that things very much DO go wrong, and having considered what to do then. Also a really good process knows that there are critical aspects - in your case remaining relatively financially solvent, roof over head, not in jail, etc - and many many uncritical aspects that could vary in a thousand ways and it's not actually any real factor in the outcome.
To that end, you might consider journaling through some of scenarios you're considering, and try writing through these narratives through several different filters, such as:
- a good smart competent friend of yours has asked to bounce this idea of theirs off you
- someone at a party telling the story with all kinds of wild twists and turns that happened to the plan along the way
- a grandparent fondly talking about a time in their life when they just went for it and it all worked out okay in the end
And also, journal to get in touch with what your heart wants. You don't have to do everything it wants, because sometimes the heart wants to be a rockstar or NBA hotshot and the window of opportunity, if it ever existed, has perhaps passed for those. But at least know what's in there. You talk about maybe moving, and I hear your heart wanting something there - maybe it's just the "I gotta get out of this place" feeling we all get sometimes, and maybe a twinge of "all good adults move", but it might also be a little bit of "there might be somewhere out there that suits me better" and "I want the physical and emotional experience of making this kind of very normal big decision."
(Just consider, if a big move is on the table, holding off on the cat for a bit. It expands your options.)
You're going to have a bunch of jobs in your life whether you want that or not, so you need to lower the stakes there. You can move away and then move back if you don't like it - yes, you may take a bit of a financial hit but that's not the only aspect of this that's important, having Done The Thing is meaningful life experience. You can date and have it go mostly nowhere until one day it goes somewhere, and you've lost very little and you've gained quite a lot.
You can be calmly risk-mindful but still optimistic and willing to see the advantages in even less-than-perfect situations. But you have to work at it.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:49 AM on July 6, 2022 [7 favorites]
Momentum helps. Pick a straightforward thing where you have the most control (so, not new job) and do it. If you're still living in the same area, you could contact that foster org this week and get yourself a new foster cat as a trial run permanent feline buddy. Do not pass go, do not look at all the kitties and try to pick the very best one for fostering, just contact one organization and describe the type of cat you'd be willing to foster (young adult cat? preference male or female?) and then arrange to get your cat. If you like the cat, adopt it. You gotta build a successful track record of doing the thing to get yourself in the habit of doing more things, and as long as you're gonna be tackling hard things (and job searching and weighing options are hard!), you might as well have a cat to cuddle.
posted by deludingmyself at 9:31 AM on July 6, 2022
posted by deludingmyself at 9:31 AM on July 6, 2022
i want to +1 @warriorqueen’s words of wisdom. thank you for sharing your perspective and experiences.
.
my advice here amplifies @Lyn Never’s— practice more! we tend to think about making A Change like a grand gesture, which imbues our decision with so much weight it can be impossible to move.
good luck
posted by tamarack at 10:09 AM on July 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
.
my advice here amplifies @Lyn Never’s— practice more! we tend to think about making A Change like a grand gesture, which imbues our decision with so much weight it can be impossible to move.
- look for places where you are practicing decision-making and risk-taking — and look for places you can warm up those muscles more and stretch more (to borrow Lyn Never’s metaphor)
- also look for some risks or decision points which aren’t one-way doors. getting a cat may be a one-way door, but fostering a cat is a decision you could more easily undo. changing jobs may be one-way (though you can move on to another-other job), but maybe there are changes you can make at your current job that would improve your situation?
good luck
posted by tamarack at 10:09 AM on July 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
Everyone so far has given really great advice. I want to add: sometimes failure will lead you in really interesting directions you would never have considered in the first place. There's probably something out there which would make you incredibly happy, and you just don't know about it yet. But no amount of thinking or planning will reveal it to you. In fact, the only way to discover it might be to make a mistake.
There are many things about life we can't control. I think anxiety is a very natural reaction to knowing that anything could happen. In that light, you're not chicken-hearted - it's the unanxious and unbothered who are the weirdos. Lean into the spirit of that anxiety and fear - what it's telling you is that life is unknowable, and it's correct. You don't need to excise it from your personality. Seasoned performers still get stage fright until the moment the curtain goes up. Maybe, for the rest of your life, any time you make a big decision, you're going to feel terrified - and that's perfectly OK.
posted by airmail at 10:36 AM on July 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
There are many things about life we can't control. I think anxiety is a very natural reaction to knowing that anything could happen. In that light, you're not chicken-hearted - it's the unanxious and unbothered who are the weirdos. Lean into the spirit of that anxiety and fear - what it's telling you is that life is unknowable, and it's correct. You don't need to excise it from your personality. Seasoned performers still get stage fright until the moment the curtain goes up. Maybe, for the rest of your life, any time you make a big decision, you're going to feel terrified - and that's perfectly OK.
posted by airmail at 10:36 AM on July 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
the place to start taking risks isn't with life-altering decisions. It's with really small, meaningless decisions - i.e., where the cost of failure is minimal.
Quoting this for emphasis. I was and am very indecisive, basically from childhood.
And then as a young adult i made a major mistake, i joined a religious cult. Looking back some 30 years later i can see that part of the attraction of the cult for me was that i no longer was expected to make any decision at all. Everything was decided for me. Coming out the other end after 13 years of other people making every decision for me, i was unable to even choose between two types of chocolate. And also petrified to make another major bad life decision.
I ended up not deciding some things which then was a passive decision in itself (eg harmless example: not responding to a friend who invited me to lunch, because i could not make up my mind, and then it was too late)
Anyway, almost regardless of how you ended up being unable to make decisions, i believe, from my own experience, that you can learn to make and own decisions by taking small steps where failure is harmless. Eg. buy something that is out of the ordinary for you. Eat unfamiliar food. Slowly ramp it up, to things visible to others.
Explore how it makes you feel to choose, and resist the temptation to beat yourself up for making a bad decision. Which happens.
(I dithered the last two years about getting a cat. When i finally did get one in March it was wonderful.)
posted by 15L06 at 1:36 PM on July 6, 2022 [3 favorites]
Quoting this for emphasis. I was and am very indecisive, basically from childhood.
And then as a young adult i made a major mistake, i joined a religious cult. Looking back some 30 years later i can see that part of the attraction of the cult for me was that i no longer was expected to make any decision at all. Everything was decided for me. Coming out the other end after 13 years of other people making every decision for me, i was unable to even choose between two types of chocolate. And also petrified to make another major bad life decision.
I ended up not deciding some things which then was a passive decision in itself (eg harmless example: not responding to a friend who invited me to lunch, because i could not make up my mind, and then it was too late)
Anyway, almost regardless of how you ended up being unable to make decisions, i believe, from my own experience, that you can learn to make and own decisions by taking small steps where failure is harmless. Eg. buy something that is out of the ordinary for you. Eat unfamiliar food. Slowly ramp it up, to things visible to others.
Explore how it makes you feel to choose, and resist the temptation to beat yourself up for making a bad decision. Which happens.
(I dithered the last two years about getting a cat. When i finally did get one in March it was wonderful.)
posted by 15L06 at 1:36 PM on July 6, 2022 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you everyone for your answers and perspectives. I mega appreciate it and it's given me a lot to think about. Warriorqueen, thank you for your answer, I feel grateful, honoured and humbled that you chose to share your experience with me/us.
posted by unicorn chaser at 3:49 PM on July 6, 2022
posted by unicorn chaser at 3:49 PM on July 6, 2022
I wasn't convinced the package was good enough to justify a move,
That seems reasonable to turn down a job if you aren't that into it. If the carrot being offered doesn't seem better than the stick (i.e. stress of the move), then screw it. You made a fine decision not to take 'em.
Admittedly, I haven't been offered another job during all the times I applied elsewhere, but frequently upon interviewing, I found out that the job was actually worse than my current one. I did not feel bad about not getting those jobs.
I have wanted a cat for years and years. But I am really worried about it all going wrong. I can think of so many potential problems; there's a few cat-focused questions in my ask history if you're interested. There is no doubt that getting a cat complicates my life a LOT as a single person with not much of a support network but it's just been something I've wanted and thought about for many years and I feel like once the initial transition had taken place it'd probably be really good and rewarding. I've fostered a cat in the past - it went fine, but it wasn't for very long, so we didn't really have time to go through any of the nightmare scenarios I'd been worried about!
I feel same. I honestly don't feel okay at the idea of being a single pet parent and I won't get another pet again unless for some reason I live with other(s) again. I'm not home very much, I dunno if I'd be able to find someone to watch the cat if I jaunt off for a weekend, so I don't have a cat. Those are fine reasons to not have a cat too.
Just because you want something or sorta want something doesn't always mean it's an option you should move on. I think it seems okay by me that you so far haven't moved on these things.
I avoid things that carry even the slightest possibility of failure (even though the more likely result is that things will be ok). This is the reason I haven't even tried to date for years, have not made any major city or country-wide moves etc. I know that a large part of my fear of fucking up is that I don't have a partner, my family can't really support me (on the contrary, they actually need my support) and although I have a wide network of friends I don't really know how to lean on them for support and practical help either.
I agree with this as well. If the pitfalls outnumber the plusses or I'm really concerned about oh, how do I afford thousands in vet bills or whatever, then I don't do the thing. It also unnerves me to not have backup if I have a job go wrong or a cat get sick, so I relate to that fear. Optimally it'd be nice to have contingency plans set up ahead of time in case shit goes wrong, but I haven't always been able to do that. If you CAN do that, then great, but not every situation can be planned for, and according to one friend, you end up unprepared even when the worst happens anyway.
This is ironic coming from me, but "thinking things through" for any extended period of time probably doesn't help you decide. Like, yeah, think about things for an hour, sleep on it for a day or two, think about it again for an hour, maybe talk it over with another person, and that's probably enough. You're unlikely to think of anything new, pro or con, after that. It might be helpful to set a "default" decision. Like, if it's been two days, you've talked to a trusted friend, and you still can't decide, the decision is no.
This is a good point and why my "default" is also no. Sometimes there have been things where I have to make a decision, I can't get any more information to help me decide and I have to go on partial information only, and no matter what I do I cannot find any other way to tip the scales of decision. Taking more time doesn't help in those cases because you've got what you got.
I have made some decisions within the last month that I still don't feel comfortable and okay with. Like I was 51% "okay, I'm going to do X instead of Y" or so and that's why I decided what I did. However, the 49% of me has been whining about being left out and not seeing my friends who are doing Y this month. In one case Y was something I wanted to do for years but X came along and is more appealing, and in the other case I really only kinda wanted to do Y because all my friends were doing it, and I had other things I wanted to do during that time instead. I couldn't do both X and Y at once like I wanted, so I was stuck choosing. I've regretted not choosing Y all month in both cases (in both cases because I miss seeing my friends doing Y), but at some point you just have to live with "I had 51% of reasons to do X and that's the decision I made and I am going with it."
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:36 PM on July 6, 2022
That seems reasonable to turn down a job if you aren't that into it. If the carrot being offered doesn't seem better than the stick (i.e. stress of the move), then screw it. You made a fine decision not to take 'em.
Admittedly, I haven't been offered another job during all the times I applied elsewhere, but frequently upon interviewing, I found out that the job was actually worse than my current one. I did not feel bad about not getting those jobs.
I have wanted a cat for years and years. But I am really worried about it all going wrong. I can think of so many potential problems; there's a few cat-focused questions in my ask history if you're interested. There is no doubt that getting a cat complicates my life a LOT as a single person with not much of a support network but it's just been something I've wanted and thought about for many years and I feel like once the initial transition had taken place it'd probably be really good and rewarding. I've fostered a cat in the past - it went fine, but it wasn't for very long, so we didn't really have time to go through any of the nightmare scenarios I'd been worried about!
I feel same. I honestly don't feel okay at the idea of being a single pet parent and I won't get another pet again unless for some reason I live with other(s) again. I'm not home very much, I dunno if I'd be able to find someone to watch the cat if I jaunt off for a weekend, so I don't have a cat. Those are fine reasons to not have a cat too.
Just because you want something or sorta want something doesn't always mean it's an option you should move on. I think it seems okay by me that you so far haven't moved on these things.
I avoid things that carry even the slightest possibility of failure (even though the more likely result is that things will be ok). This is the reason I haven't even tried to date for years, have not made any major city or country-wide moves etc. I know that a large part of my fear of fucking up is that I don't have a partner, my family can't really support me (on the contrary, they actually need my support) and although I have a wide network of friends I don't really know how to lean on them for support and practical help either.
I agree with this as well. If the pitfalls outnumber the plusses or I'm really concerned about oh, how do I afford thousands in vet bills or whatever, then I don't do the thing. It also unnerves me to not have backup if I have a job go wrong or a cat get sick, so I relate to that fear. Optimally it'd be nice to have contingency plans set up ahead of time in case shit goes wrong, but I haven't always been able to do that. If you CAN do that, then great, but not every situation can be planned for, and according to one friend, you end up unprepared even when the worst happens anyway.
This is ironic coming from me, but "thinking things through" for any extended period of time probably doesn't help you decide. Like, yeah, think about things for an hour, sleep on it for a day or two, think about it again for an hour, maybe talk it over with another person, and that's probably enough. You're unlikely to think of anything new, pro or con, after that. It might be helpful to set a "default" decision. Like, if it's been two days, you've talked to a trusted friend, and you still can't decide, the decision is no.
This is a good point and why my "default" is also no. Sometimes there have been things where I have to make a decision, I can't get any more information to help me decide and I have to go on partial information only, and no matter what I do I cannot find any other way to tip the scales of decision. Taking more time doesn't help in those cases because you've got what you got.
I have made some decisions within the last month that I still don't feel comfortable and okay with. Like I was 51% "okay, I'm going to do X instead of Y" or so and that's why I decided what I did. However, the 49% of me has been whining about being left out and not seeing my friends who are doing Y this month. In one case Y was something I wanted to do for years but X came along and is more appealing, and in the other case I really only kinda wanted to do Y because all my friends were doing it, and I had other things I wanted to do during that time instead. I couldn't do both X and Y at once like I wanted, so I was stuck choosing. I've regretted not choosing Y all month in both cases (in both cases because I miss seeing my friends doing Y), but at some point you just have to live with "I had 51% of reasons to do X and that's the decision I made and I am going with it."
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:36 PM on July 6, 2022
I find that AskMeFi is pretty risk averse on average. If you're turning here for some of your decisions and reading the advice here regularly, it might be worth considering whether that is affecting your outlook at all.
posted by geegollygosh at 5:05 PM on July 6, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by geegollygosh at 5:05 PM on July 6, 2022 [4 favorites]
Let everything happen to you, beauty and terror. No feeling is final-Rilke. Please read the entire poem. Good luck to you! It will be worth it. Trust the universe-it has a plan for you. Everything happens for the best.
posted by cynicalidealist at 6:16 PM on July 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by cynicalidealist at 6:16 PM on July 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
Can you make a bit more money? I have had a broad range of incomes and I find my anxiety changes in lockstep with my income changing. I realized that with most problems, I could throw some money at it and solve it fairly effectively.
Get a cat > Logistics tough > Pay a cat sitter.
Change jobs > Hate job > Walk away and live off savings for a little while.
It doesn’t have to be a huge amount of money to make a noticeable difference in outlook, for me at least.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:10 PM on July 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
Get a cat > Logistics tough > Pay a cat sitter.
Change jobs > Hate job > Walk away and live off savings for a little while.
It doesn’t have to be a huge amount of money to make a noticeable difference in outlook, for me at least.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:10 PM on July 6, 2022 [1 favorite]
I homed in on something else here. Instead of practicing making decisions or trying to become ever more self sufficient (more money, deeper layers of plans), how about you practice leaning on your network? That's the only way it will get strong enough to hold your weight if you really need it. And there's no way to ensure you won't ever need it, no matter how careful you are.
What this means: Ask your friends for help with something. Call them just to chat, about something sensitive and near to your heart. Ask for their advice on something, and listen to it as if you don't already have a decision made - just to practice the feeling and giving them that respect. Let your respect for them grow by seeing them step up, or learn how to approach them for the best result, or see who doesn't step up and invest in them less.
posted by Lady Li at 1:06 AM on July 7, 2022
What this means: Ask your friends for help with something. Call them just to chat, about something sensitive and near to your heart. Ask for their advice on something, and listen to it as if you don't already have a decision made - just to practice the feeling and giving them that respect. Let your respect for them grow by seeing them step up, or learn how to approach them for the best result, or see who doesn't step up and invest in them less.
posted by Lady Li at 1:06 AM on July 7, 2022
What a beautiful thing that warriorqueen says above. I am an over-thinker too (over-thinkers unite!) and also someone who has similarly been freed up a bit by realizing that even most worst case scenarios are fully survivable and sometimes even offer the most delicate and precious of benefits.
I also discovered a helpful rubric that I use often now when I am considering a big (or just scary) decision to "go for it" or not and just can't get out of my analysis paralysis and decide already. What I do is consider and score the following five questions, pretty rapidly and in order:
1. What does my gut say? If my gut says "go for it" that's one (1) point for going for it!
2. Is fear the only reason I am not going for it? If fear is the only reason I am not going for it that's one (1) point for going for it!
3. What is the worst thing that could possibly happen and could most people reasonably survive that worst case scenario if they absolutely had to? If most people could reasonably survive that's one (1) point for going for it!
4. What would my enemies or competitors want me to do (where enemies might just = my own personal demons and negative self talk) -- go for it or not go for it? If my enemies or competitors want me to not go for it, guess what - that's one (1) more point for going for it!
5. Finally, I consider the fact that someday I will die -- if I die not having gone for it, will I regret it? If so, that's one (1) final point for going for it!
If I score even two points for "going for it," I know I can easily proceed. If I score three, I know I can easily and safely proceed. If I score 4, I know I really should proceed. If I score 5, there is no question at all: I simply must proceed.
Works like a charm.
posted by desert exile at 6:05 PM on July 19, 2022 [1 favorite]
I also discovered a helpful rubric that I use often now when I am considering a big (or just scary) decision to "go for it" or not and just can't get out of my analysis paralysis and decide already. What I do is consider and score the following five questions, pretty rapidly and in order:
1. What does my gut say? If my gut says "go for it" that's one (1) point for going for it!
2. Is fear the only reason I am not going for it? If fear is the only reason I am not going for it that's one (1) point for going for it!
3. What is the worst thing that could possibly happen and could most people reasonably survive that worst case scenario if they absolutely had to? If most people could reasonably survive that's one (1) point for going for it!
4. What would my enemies or competitors want me to do (where enemies might just = my own personal demons and negative self talk) -- go for it or not go for it? If my enemies or competitors want me to not go for it, guess what - that's one (1) more point for going for it!
5. Finally, I consider the fact that someday I will die -- if I die not having gone for it, will I regret it? If so, that's one (1) final point for going for it!
If I score even two points for "going for it," I know I can easily proceed. If I score three, I know I can easily and safely proceed. If I score 4, I know I really should proceed. If I score 5, there is no question at all: I simply must proceed.
Works like a charm.
posted by desert exile at 6:05 PM on July 19, 2022 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
If you are out and about and suddenly find that something you had planned to do is unavailable, how easy/hard do you find it to smoothly make a different plan on the fly?
posted by heatherlogan at 6:17 AM on July 6, 2022 [5 favorites]