Does anyone have any advice on dealing with self-doubt?

July 5, 2022 6:48 PM

So, I've done a lot of stuff, the road to getting there has been somewhat rocky and there are days when I wonder if my approach to doing things is the best or if I'm not screwing myself over in some way. I also think about my age, and whether I should be further ahead or not, whether I did things the right way or not.

To summarize a bit what I mean:

Close to graduation from college I worked as an intern at some software company. I did a very good job according to everyone, but then the company decided not to hire me. There was a lot of drama when that happened, and from what I heard from my former boss when I met him a couple of years later, they did some underhanded things when all of this happened.

That little event marked me somewhat. Ever since that happened I've decided that when it comes to employment it's a free-for-all and that I should be a mercenary when picking companies. I've had like 4 jobs in the span of 3 years. In 2018, I was just about fed up with everything and decided that I was getting out of my country, so I planned things out, started learning French again in 2019, 2020 came and so did the pandemic, but I left in 2021 regardless of whether that was a thing or not.

At any rate, while most things have been great here in Canada. My master's degree hasn't gone as smoothly as I would have wanted. In many ways things have been hard, the pandemic made them harder and the aftermath of that whole mess has definitely also caused problems. A few months ago I didn't know when I was going to be finished, but now I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm pretty sure this degree can be finished by December. The only thing I need to do now is get the work done. Getting permanent residence in Canada is really a matter of time, for me, it depends on whether I get my degree first or whether I pass a French test (for which I've decided to put in $3000 to improve my language skills).

Even so, today I'm 28. I wonder if I started doing this way too old, and if I should have left earlier or if I should be further along my career. I wonder if the insane amounts of money I've spent to do this was a bit too much (I don't know how much has gone into making this happen, but I've spent a lot). Now, I'm also working part-time (for extra money) with some Americans I knew from before. It's been somewhat of an experience to figure out how taxes and opening businesses work here in Canada, it's definitely a plus I did not expect to have.

I wonder, however, if I'm not crazy for constantly pushing the limits or whether I've been going full speed ahead for too long. Even now, after I finish my degree, find a job and settle here permanently, I'm of the idea that my 30s will be spent trying to get a business going and that I will be doing whatever it takes to make that a reality. I'm committed to this no matter what.

But I get doubts sometimes, like right now. I just wonder if all of this is normal. If I'm not pushing myself to insane limits. I know people back home who would never do this, I know people here in Canada that think I'm crazy for doing all of that and for wanting to go further and start my own business. I'm not sure how to deal with all of this at times. Even just knowing French to the level I do seems like a rarity for many around here.

posted by Tarsonis10 to Work & Money (6 answers total)

What I notice here is a lot of Things You're Doing and Things You're Planning... but not much sense of why you've done or planned any of it.

Your use of "normal" suggests to me that you do have some kind of yardstick in your head for all this. I think you might want to think about what that yardstick is and how it got there. You may discover it's not even yours -- it's a distillation of what somebody/somebodies else think (or thought) your life should be. Or it could be a way of running away from something scary (which may well be legit; there's plenty of scary in the world) while pretending mightily to yourself that you're running toward.

I also get a sense that you're tired and starting to question your goals, perhaps think about other goals that have been on the wayside so far. Maybe lean into that?
posted by humbug at 7:07 PM on July 5, 2022 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: Tired? Yeah, it's been a long long time to get all of it done. Other goals? I'm not sure about that. All I can say is that I'm hoping once I get what I want here in Canada with my degree and all of that, then I am hoping things will seriously slow down. Honestly speaking, I think finishing this degree will simplify my life in many ways.
posted by Tarsonis10 at 7:20 PM on July 5, 2022

So, it sounds like what happened early in your career was really stressful and has had a lasting impact. Have you worked through that in therapy? I know what it's like to have major work stress, not all of which is a result of your behavior or actions. I had major work drama several years ago, and it took me ages to get to a place where it wasn't still coloring how I viewed the work world. And that was as someone already in my 40s.

I'm not sure you are going to figure this stuff out til you work through the sucky thing that happened when you were early in your career, which clearly made a lasting negative impression.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:26 PM on July 5, 2022 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I'm in my late 30s now, mis-spent my 20s in a related but different way with my own trauma (of an academic, not industry sort), and ended up working at a large tech company you've heard of. It doesn't slow down, but it changes. My experience has been that industry is better suited to my temperament than academia, but I wouldn't say it's easier or slower, just different. I know industry is mercenary, but my manager definitely gives more of a shit about my health and ability to contribute long-term than people in academia, even if it is just enlightened self-interest (if I don't burn out, he gets better ROI for onboarding me, training me, and investing time while I learn How Things Get Done Here).

I guess one thing I'll say is that, if my life is any barometer, 28 is a perfectly fine age to make changes. I basically divide my life into "before the year I left my Ph.D" and "after." It'll be 10 years "after" next summer, and I plan to celebrate by throwing a big damn party with friends because let me tell you, friend, living well is the best revenge. In that time I've had three jobs (research lab at other university, small startup in related field, big tech in related field), got married, moved twice, and started putting time and money into things I care about. 28 is certainly not too late!
posted by Alterscape at 10:33 PM on July 5, 2022 [4 favorites]

Best answer: It sounds like you’ve made some brave decisions in your life, and worked hard to fulfil them. Who knows if they were “right” — who cares, they’re made now! — but the attitude is admirable. Nice work.

Steve Jobs, a man few would accuse of doubting himself, has a famous quote about regular, deliberate introspection. You’re barrelling towards a big transition moment, and the future is more unknown that it’s been for a while, so it’s natural to be wondering if you’re doing ok. It’s totally valid to answer “yes, I think so” if it’s true! If it’s ever not true, then even twice your age is plenty young enough to make some course corrections, so long as you’re smart enough to examine yourself and notice the need for them.
posted by breakfast burrito at 7:23 PM on July 6, 2022

Best answer: Careers grow in fits and starts, there's nothing unusual or wrong with a rocky start or detour along the way. You get through it, you learn, you move on. Life is half planning, half luck, and the fun is trying things and watching what happens. Are you too old? Nope. Working too hard? The internet can't say. You do you.
posted by mama penguin at 3:14 AM on July 7, 2022 [1 favorite]