How do you know if someone likes you or is just being nice?
June 26, 2022 9:58 AM Subscribe
I'm not sure if he's just being nice to me or if there is something there. Snowflakes inside...
I've known and worked with "John" for three years now. (He works in a different department than I do.)
One day "John" asked me a question and I gave this sarcastic yet funny answer. He started laughing and smiling. I passed by him throughout the day and every time I saw him, he was still smiling and laughing at what I said. We were talking via work chat, but then he gave me his number so we could text about work things. (They record work chats.) John always seems be around where I am and he'll talk to me. In conversation, he'll mention my name about something that I said. (ex: "Like Kobi said yesterday,....") One day I didn't see him all morning, but finally saw him in the afternoon, and he walked straight towards me and we talked. There were people around so we didn't talk for long, but he seemed to extend the conversation.
He also jokingly touched my arm when we were talking, but I've had other guys do that to me and it didn't mean anything. I get "Dad vibes" from him sometimes, but he can also be very flirty too.
I was talking to him about something one day and he seemed to be smiling but maybe he just thinks I'm funny?
The part that I'm confused about it is that sometimes he seems moody or like he has other stuff going on. I was in a group chat with John and another coworker. I sent 2 messages and John said to stop blowing up the chat and to just text him. (Is 2 messages blowing up someone's phone?) Another time we were in a group talking, John received a call and was talking in a low voice and just got up and left.
He also said once how he and another coworker like to be instigators, so I don't know if he's just messing with me?
I don't know if he feels bad for me because otherwise, I'm quiet and shy. He flirts with me, but also talks about other women around me.
I know that he is divorced and has two kids, but don't know if he's dating someone or in a relationship. He also mentioned once about how someone was taking a long time doing something and he could have gone to the store to buy groceries for his family. (But never mentioned a gf or partner.) Someone lives near him and said that they saw "him and his..." but they trailed off and didn't say who it was.
I feel like I'm getting mixed messages.... how do I proceed? Also, does it seem like he likes me, but he's just being cautious or careful because we're at work? He's a manager and I'm in a lower position.
I've known and worked with "John" for three years now. (He works in a different department than I do.)
One day "John" asked me a question and I gave this sarcastic yet funny answer. He started laughing and smiling. I passed by him throughout the day and every time I saw him, he was still smiling and laughing at what I said. We were talking via work chat, but then he gave me his number so we could text about work things. (They record work chats.) John always seems be around where I am and he'll talk to me. In conversation, he'll mention my name about something that I said. (ex: "Like Kobi said yesterday,....") One day I didn't see him all morning, but finally saw him in the afternoon, and he walked straight towards me and we talked. There were people around so we didn't talk for long, but he seemed to extend the conversation.
He also jokingly touched my arm when we were talking, but I've had other guys do that to me and it didn't mean anything. I get "Dad vibes" from him sometimes, but he can also be very flirty too.
I was talking to him about something one day and he seemed to be smiling but maybe he just thinks I'm funny?
The part that I'm confused about it is that sometimes he seems moody or like he has other stuff going on. I was in a group chat with John and another coworker. I sent 2 messages and John said to stop blowing up the chat and to just text him. (Is 2 messages blowing up someone's phone?) Another time we were in a group talking, John received a call and was talking in a low voice and just got up and left.
He also said once how he and another coworker like to be instigators, so I don't know if he's just messing with me?
I don't know if he feels bad for me because otherwise, I'm quiet and shy. He flirts with me, but also talks about other women around me.
I know that he is divorced and has two kids, but don't know if he's dating someone or in a relationship. He also mentioned once about how someone was taking a long time doing something and he could have gone to the store to buy groceries for his family. (But never mentioned a gf or partner.) Someone lives near him and said that they saw "him and his..." but they trailed off and didn't say who it was.
I feel like I'm getting mixed messages.... how do I proceed? Also, does it seem like he likes me, but he's just being cautious or careful because we're at work? He's a manager and I'm in a lower position.
Agreed. I’m not good at noticing intent. Many times it’s only after a while I think, “Wait, was she hitting on me?” I am married, (34 years), so it rarely occurs to me, but I had work situations where someone was definitely doing so, which was uncomfortable. But all the other instances, the subtle ones, had that delay.
Roll with it. Give it time. Look for red flags. If John is interested, in time, you will know.
posted by Windopaene at 10:17 AM on June 26, 2022
Roll with it. Give it time. Look for red flags. If John is interested, in time, you will know.
posted by Windopaene at 10:17 AM on June 26, 2022
This is not something we can answer because this is how men who “like you” (as in have a crush on you and would be open to dating you) act. This is also how men who just like to flirt at work act. This is also how men who are in committed relationships but like having options act. This is most definitely how older managers who like when younger junior employees have crushes on them act.
Do you want to date him, or are you just enjoying the flirting and attention? If it’s the former, you can ask him to hang out. Or if that’s too scary you can ask him things like “what are you doing this weekend/after work?” which is a pretty clear opening. If it’s the latter and you like the attention but don’t actually want a relationship outside of work, then keep enjoying your interactions and try not to read into them.
posted by kapers at 10:32 AM on June 26, 2022 [29 favorites]
Do you want to date him, or are you just enjoying the flirting and attention? If it’s the former, you can ask him to hang out. Or if that’s too scary you can ask him things like “what are you doing this weekend/after work?” which is a pretty clear opening. If it’s the latter and you like the attention but don’t actually want a relationship outside of work, then keep enjoying your interactions and try not to read into them.
posted by kapers at 10:32 AM on June 26, 2022 [29 favorites]
Ask him to lunch, coffee or drinks. If that goes well, either flirt or ask him directly if he'd like to date.
posted by NotLost at 10:33 AM on June 26, 2022
posted by NotLost at 10:33 AM on June 26, 2022
I feel like the thing that is missing in this question is what you want from this situation. You usually cannot tell if someone is flirting just from observing — flirting doesn't work if only one person is doing it. If it's flirting and you're interested, then you show interest and escalate a little bit and see if he reciprocates. If you're not interested, then you don't, and it exists forever in the plausibly deniable sort of limbo zone. That's kinda the whole point of flirting :)
Now, it sounds to me like getting involved with him would probably be a mistake (work relationships usually are). It's up to you if you want to make that mistake or not. If you don't — does knowing his intentions help you? I would think not, personally.
(This answer is assuming that you don't mind what he's doing, since that's the vibe I get from the question. But I could be misreading — if it's bothering you, it also does not really matter what his intentions are, just what the impact is)
posted by wesleyac at 10:36 AM on June 26, 2022 [15 favorites]
Now, it sounds to me like getting involved with him would probably be a mistake (work relationships usually are). It's up to you if you want to make that mistake or not. If you don't — does knowing his intentions help you? I would think not, personally.
(This answer is assuming that you don't mind what he's doing, since that's the vibe I get from the question. But I could be misreading — if it's bothering you, it also does not really matter what his intentions are, just what the impact is)
posted by wesleyac at 10:36 AM on June 26, 2022 [15 favorites]
It sounds like he likes you, but I'd be careful because of your work situation. Even if you're not reporting to him directly, he's in a more senior role. If you have a relationship with him and it goes sour, he probably won't lose his job – but you might, or might feel a need to leave anyway. I'm not saying he'll necessarily cause that to happen; we don't know either way. I'm only saying it because it's been known to happen with workplace relationships. How important is this job to you?
posted by StrawberryPie at 10:50 AM on June 26, 2022
posted by StrawberryPie at 10:50 AM on June 26, 2022
This is a giant "possible maybe," because of what kapers said.
Really, the crucial thing is here would you be allowed to date him and keep your job? He's a manager but in another department--is that allowed by work policy? Like regardless of how he feels about you, dating a coworker is a work minefield and it may not be "okay" for him to have a crush on you or be asked out in the first place, hence the ambiguity. If things went poorly, could you get another job?
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:53 AM on June 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
Really, the crucial thing is here would you be allowed to date him and keep your job? He's a manager but in another department--is that allowed by work policy? Like regardless of how he feels about you, dating a coworker is a work minefield and it may not be "okay" for him to have a crush on you or be asked out in the first place, hence the ambiguity. If things went poorly, could you get another job?
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:53 AM on June 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
It's not clear to me if you like him.
That is your #1 priority question here re. what to do next. Do YOU have an interest in this man as anything more than a friendly coworker?
My initial feeling is don't shit where you eat (i.e. don't date your coworkers), but if this were just some random guy, do you actually like him? You don't have to like someone back just because he thinks you're funny.
posted by phunniemee at 10:58 AM on June 26, 2022 [9 favorites]
That is your #1 priority question here re. what to do next. Do YOU have an interest in this man as anything more than a friendly coworker?
My initial feeling is don't shit where you eat (i.e. don't date your coworkers), but if this were just some random guy, do you actually like him? You don't have to like someone back just because he thinks you're funny.
posted by phunniemee at 10:58 AM on June 26, 2022 [9 favorites]
Came here to say what phunniemee said. Do YOU like HIM?
This whole post is about what he thinks. What about what you think?
Do you like him? Do you want to date someone at work? Those are the main questions.
If yes to both, you can just ask him out. If no to either, just be colleagues or friends. Trying to decipher his feelings from hints isn't necessary or helpful.
posted by J. Wilson at 12:08 PM on June 26, 2022 [3 favorites]
This whole post is about what he thinks. What about what you think?
Do you like him? Do you want to date someone at work? Those are the main questions.
If yes to both, you can just ask him out. If no to either, just be colleagues or friends. Trying to decipher his feelings from hints isn't necessary or helpful.
posted by J. Wilson at 12:08 PM on June 26, 2022 [3 favorites]
Is this ”Tom” from your previous question who asked you to sit in his lap and asked you for naked pics and flirts with (sleeps with, I bet) other women from the office, by any chance? If so, don’t spend another second worrying about whether this toxic cad “likes you.”
posted by kapers at 12:25 PM on June 26, 2022 [23 favorites]
posted by kapers at 12:25 PM on June 26, 2022 [23 favorites]
Someone who is moody might be flirty as one of their moods. I recoiled at your description of him - definitely including the “instigator” part.
posted by Bottlecap at 12:36 PM on June 26, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by Bottlecap at 12:36 PM on June 26, 2022 [3 favorites]
Agreed with what's been said so far: do YOU like him, and what do you want? Do you want to date him? Are you sure you want to date a co-worker, who is also a manager in another department? (It might not be a good idea to shit where you eat.) What is the policy at work of people dating?
Sometimes work flirtations with plausible deniability are fun, and also that's where it should stay. Like to actually start dating would be to ruin it (i.e. the fun of plausible deniability) and then things are just never the same between you at work - things can get awkward because if you don't tell people, then you have to act like you're not dating, or if you do you tell people, that is also awkward (hence "don't shit where you eat"). And if you do end up dating and you break up, then things are REALLY awkward. Do you really want to go to work and have to see your ex, even if you have a super amicable breakup? And it's more likely you'll break up than stay together forever (or one/both of you leave that office). This is not to say workplace romances never happen, but is this what you want?
My vote is to keep it as a workplace flirtation (?), and revel in the mystery of "is he flirting with me or not/does he like me or not" That in itself can be fun and can add some interest to the work day.
posted by foxjacket at 12:38 PM on June 26, 2022 [3 favorites]
Sometimes work flirtations with plausible deniability are fun, and also that's where it should stay. Like to actually start dating would be to ruin it (i.e. the fun of plausible deniability) and then things are just never the same between you at work - things can get awkward because if you don't tell people, then you have to act like you're not dating, or if you do you tell people, that is also awkward (hence "don't shit where you eat"). And if you do end up dating and you break up, then things are REALLY awkward. Do you really want to go to work and have to see your ex, even if you have a super amicable breakup? And it's more likely you'll break up than stay together forever (or one/both of you leave that office). This is not to say workplace romances never happen, but is this what you want?
My vote is to keep it as a workplace flirtation (?), and revel in the mystery of "is he flirting with me or not/does he like me or not" That in itself can be fun and can add some interest to the work day.
posted by foxjacket at 12:38 PM on June 26, 2022 [3 favorites]
sometimes he seems moody or like he has other stuff going on ... blowing up work chat sometimes he's moody or has other stuff going on or is maybe cranky
He is paying you a lot of attention.
So, this is all about him. Take a little time and think about him more critically. Does he deserve you? Does he seem sweet to you? If so and you want to take a small next step, at some point, in passing, mention We should grab coffee sometime; I can tell you about *that thing we talked about*.
I just had coffee with someone I know on fb because I was in their town about an hour away, and hey, why not. It was pleasant and felt very emotionally safe.
Reminder: a person's actions tell you at least as much about them as their words.
posted by theora55 at 12:42 PM on June 26, 2022 [3 favorites]
He is paying you a lot of attention.
So, this is all about him. Take a little time and think about him more critically. Does he deserve you? Does he seem sweet to you? If so and you want to take a small next step, at some point, in passing, mention We should grab coffee sometime; I can tell you about *that thing we talked about*.
I just had coffee with someone I know on fb because I was in their town about an hour away, and hey, why not. It was pleasant and felt very emotionally safe.
Reminder: a person's actions tell you at least as much about them as their words.
posted by theora55 at 12:42 PM on June 26, 2022 [3 favorites]
I feel like the thing that is missing in this question is what you want from this situation.nting this. If you genuinely like the guy, "would you like to go on a date with me" are magic words. They're hard as hell to say, but they always work, at least with people worth spending time around. On that date, ask specific questions about his current relationship status and recent history and trust your gut. If you don't like him, it's time to think ahead about what your friendship boundaries are and to plan to avoid situations in which you are could be trapped (professionally or physically.) Hope it's the former. Best wishes!
[edit: re-read the question and saw that he's in a different department, so deleted a few sentences that don't apply.]
posted by eotvos at 1:25 PM on June 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: @ kapers- No, different guy. Tom has moved on to the new manager in the department and there are rumors about the two of them having an affair.
posted by Kobayashi Maru at 1:52 PM on June 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by Kobayashi Maru at 1:52 PM on June 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
The following was said by one of my friends to another one of my friends:
“You know, we should date.”
This removed some ambiguity from the situation.
(It worked well. They’re probably going to get married in a year or two.)
However, do not do this if you do not want to date.
posted by PaulVario at 3:25 PM on June 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
“You know, we should date.”
This removed some ambiguity from the situation.
(It worked well. They’re probably going to get married in a year or two.)
However, do not do this if you do not want to date.
posted by PaulVario at 3:25 PM on June 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
I sent 2 messages and John said to stop blowing up the chat and to just text him. (Is 2 messages blowing up someone's phone?)
No, 2 messages absolutely isn’t blowing up the phone and who is he to tell you where or how to message! He sounds like he’s being rude and demeaning (tone) and the beginning of domineering with you.
It also made me wonder if he’s trying to keep his flirtation with you a secret from others in the chat - does he have a history at work, either with another member of the chat or with someone they know? It gave me shady vibes.
Also I notice that you don’t seem to have an opinion about this guy. Check in with yourself.
Do you want a “dad vibes” flirtationship with a coworker who corrects your texting habits and is moody? That’s 4 traits.. and they’re all red flags.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 4:04 PM on June 26, 2022 [6 favorites]
No, 2 messages absolutely isn’t blowing up the phone and who is he to tell you where or how to message! He sounds like he’s being rude and demeaning (tone) and the beginning of domineering with you.
It also made me wonder if he’s trying to keep his flirtation with you a secret from others in the chat - does he have a history at work, either with another member of the chat or with someone they know? It gave me shady vibes.
Also I notice that you don’t seem to have an opinion about this guy. Check in with yourself.
Do you want a “dad vibes” flirtationship with a coworker who corrects your texting habits and is moody? That’s 4 traits.. and they’re all red flags.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 4:04 PM on June 26, 2022 [6 favorites]
No, 2 messages absolutely isn’t blowing up the phone and who is he to tell you where or how to message! He sounds like he’s being rude and demeaning (tone) and the beginning of domineering with you.
Wow, I was reading that as a lame joke and maybe a way to invite personal contact (with flirty intent). Or, maaaaybe, protecting OP from other colleague’s bad mood / famous short fuse about busy group chats. Admittedly, I supplied all my own tone for that, so that’s a total house of cards.
Related to “how do you feel” (also nth-ing that): what do other people, especially women, feel about this guy? Does he have a bad rep, or is he well liked? Is there anyone you can quietly sound out about him, both to work out if he’s an ok person, and if he’s like this with all the ladies or just you?
Workplace stuff can be really messy, as per all the concern above. I’ve seen people move jobs after things blow up. It’s also how we meet most people after a certain age though, which is unfortunate. It does sound like he likes you a lot, but only other people there with you are really qualified to tell if he like-likes you.
posted by breakfast burrito at 4:46 PM on June 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
Wow, I was reading that as a lame joke and maybe a way to invite personal contact (with flirty intent). Or, maaaaybe, protecting OP from other colleague’s bad mood / famous short fuse about busy group chats. Admittedly, I supplied all my own tone for that, so that’s a total house of cards.
Related to “how do you feel” (also nth-ing that): what do other people, especially women, feel about this guy? Does he have a bad rep, or is he well liked? Is there anyone you can quietly sound out about him, both to work out if he’s an ok person, and if he’s like this with all the ladies or just you?
Workplace stuff can be really messy, as per all the concern above. I’ve seen people move jobs after things blow up. It’s also how we meet most people after a certain age though, which is unfortunate. It does sound like he likes you a lot, but only other people there with you are really qualified to tell if he like-likes you.
posted by breakfast burrito at 4:46 PM on June 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: My workplace is a pretty toxic, dysfunctional place (I've written about it in previous posts.) There was an incident where a (now retired) manager came back from lunch drunk as a skunk. We were all weirded out by it. John saw me and I don't know if he could tell by my face, but he asked me if I was okay. There were other times when I was upset because a coworker was in a mood and/or yelling and John would talk to me. He said that he can tell by my face that I seemed upset.
We've always made small talk, but began talking more after I made the funny comment. He seems to be in good standing with everyone at least professionally. I don't know what he's like outside of work/socially. I'm not sure who to ask because they all talk/gossip and I don't want it getting back to him or anything. For some reason I thought that he was married, so I never entertained the idea of anything ever happening. (He's divorced.) I always thought he was good looking and a nice guy.
posted by Kobayashi Maru at 5:27 PM on June 26, 2022
We've always made small talk, but began talking more after I made the funny comment. He seems to be in good standing with everyone at least professionally. I don't know what he's like outside of work/socially. I'm not sure who to ask because they all talk/gossip and I don't want it getting back to him or anything. For some reason I thought that he was married, so I never entertained the idea of anything ever happening. (He's divorced.) I always thought he was good looking and a nice guy.
posted by Kobayashi Maru at 5:27 PM on June 26, 2022
I'm not sure who to ask because they all talk/gossip and I don't want it getting back to him or anything.
Asking around was clearly a very naïve suggestion, when you put it like that. Sorry, bad advice. Having caught up on your Ask history on the job (it sounds… interesting… working there), and in the light of your recent comment, I now understand the dad vibes you mention. It sounds like he sees you as someone worth protecting. Protective instincts kick in for friends and partners as well as kids though, so it’s not a full answer.
One bold gambit would be to ask him about himself, in a low pressure environment. “So, hey, I enjoy your company here, but I don’t know much about your life beyond these walls. Or would you rather keep the air of mystique?” I’m not sure I’m actually suggesting you do that, but it would certainly start to answer your questions if all else fails.
posted by breakfast burrito at 7:16 PM on June 26, 2022
Asking around was clearly a very naïve suggestion, when you put it like that. Sorry, bad advice. Having caught up on your Ask history on the job (it sounds… interesting… working there), and in the light of your recent comment, I now understand the dad vibes you mention. It sounds like he sees you as someone worth protecting. Protective instincts kick in for friends and partners as well as kids though, so it’s not a full answer.
One bold gambit would be to ask him about himself, in a low pressure environment. “So, hey, I enjoy your company here, but I don’t know much about your life beyond these walls. Or would you rather keep the air of mystique?” I’m not sure I’m actually suggesting you do that, but it would certainly start to answer your questions if all else fails.
posted by breakfast burrito at 7:16 PM on June 26, 2022
I think if you don’t want to be swept up in the dysfunction and gossip, you may want to look outside of work for relationships, and keep things light in the office.
posted by kapers at 7:18 PM on June 26, 2022 [12 favorites]
posted by kapers at 7:18 PM on June 26, 2022 [12 favorites]
For what it's worth, every healthy relationship I had started with clear and unambiguous interest. I would not have had to ask "does he like me?" to anyone at all. It's hard to understand until you have actually experienced clear and unambigious interest, because you have nothing to compare all the other stuff to. But once you have, you're like..."Oh. This is what people mean." Serious interest feels like serious interest. It's obvious and easy.
If someone really likes you, they generally won't risk offending you or losing you by teasing you or acting dismissive of you. My take is that this guy probably likes you somewhat. He likes you just enough to flirt a little. But does he prioritize your well-being over his own? Does he think about your feelings? No. He does not. So, if you want a fun, mutually selfish fling with a coworker, maybe he'd be down. If you want a lifelong, mutually respectful partnership with a man you can trust and respect, this isn't really an auspicious beginning.
posted by stockpuppet at 11:47 AM on June 27, 2022 [6 favorites]
If someone really likes you, they generally won't risk offending you or losing you by teasing you or acting dismissive of you. My take is that this guy probably likes you somewhat. He likes you just enough to flirt a little. But does he prioritize your well-being over his own? Does he think about your feelings? No. He does not. So, if you want a fun, mutually selfish fling with a coworker, maybe he'd be down. If you want a lifelong, mutually respectful partnership with a man you can trust and respect, this isn't really an auspicious beginning.
posted by stockpuppet at 11:47 AM on June 27, 2022 [6 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by SaltySalticid at 10:07 AM on June 26, 2022 [3 favorites]