Reading on abuse in poly relationships
June 25, 2022 3:42 AM Subscribe
I have read many of the books people recommend on abusive relationships. But they all seem to describe a pattern of abuse that is fundamentally about monogamous relationships — separating the victim from their support structures, etc. Abuse exists in poly relationships, but it looks very different. Where is good writing on this?
I am not interested in cases where the abuse is someone being pressured into a poly relationship when they want a monogamous one — I am interested in relationships where both people come into it wanting to be poly. I would be particularly happy to find non cis/het normative stuff, but that's not a hard requirement.
I am not interested in cases where the abuse is someone being pressured into a poly relationship when they want a monogamous one — I am interested in relationships where both people come into it wanting to be poly. I would be particularly happy to find non cis/het normative stuff, but that's not a hard requirement.
Response by poster: While I absolutely love In the Dream House, I don't think it fits the bill for this question — the relationship it describes is monogamous for the vast majority of the time, if I recall correctly. I'm looking for things describing relationships that are primarily or entirely poly.
And the poly described is "someone being pressured into a poly relationship when they want a monogamous one", although I guess since it's not told from the PoV of the person being pressured, maybe that's alright?
posted by wesleyac at 6:07 AM on June 25, 2022
Spoiler for In the Dream House
And the poly described is "someone being pressured into a poly relationship when they want a monogamous one", although I guess since it's not told from the PoV of the person being pressured, maybe that's alright?
posted by wesleyac at 6:07 AM on June 25, 2022
I don't know if this qualifies as "a book", but the stories of the various people who've participated in I Tripped on the (Polyamorous) Missing Stair (mostly consumed through podcast interviews and the Mainely Mandy — Abuse in Polyamory: Franklin Veaux and Polyamorous Protectionism video, but they've got a lot of writing there) have given me lots of space for thinking.
posted by straw at 7:49 AM on June 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by straw at 7:49 AM on June 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
I have somewhat mixed feelings about Dan Savage, but his podcast (Savage Lovecast) can be good for this kind of thing — he answers questions about relationships from a not-necessarily-monogamous perspective.
posted by mekily at 8:40 AM on June 25, 2022
posted by mekily at 8:40 AM on June 25, 2022
As advice columnist Captain Awkward, Jennifer Peepas has given a lot of poly-centered, nonjudgmental, and no-bullshit counsel to people in poly relationships, including situations that involved abuse.
posted by virago at 9:24 AM on June 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by virago at 9:24 AM on June 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
The Franklin Veaux story generated a lot of writing, because many people involved were big-name poly authors or bloggers. The one I feel like I learned the most from was Eve Rickert's What I Got Wrong in More Than Two.
Rickert and Veaux were partners and coauthors on the book More Than Two, which sometimes described jealousy as a personal obstacle to overcome. (This was... I won't say the dominant attitude, but a common enough attitude in the poly community: that if you were feeling jealous about your partner's behavior, then you needed to do some personal work and learn to let those feelings go rather than asking your partner to change. Some people loved the way More Than Two handled the subject, some hated it.)
In "What I Got Wrong," Rickert talks about the ways that that attitude set her up for abuse. She doesn't argue that all poly is abusive—but she does point out that this particular practice of "overcoming" negative feelings rather than expressing them, which is highly valued in some parts of the poly community, can lead you to ignore bigger and bigger red flags, and to blame yourself rather than your abuser for how they make you feel.
posted by nebulawindphone at 9:26 AM on June 25, 2022 [10 favorites]
Rickert and Veaux were partners and coauthors on the book More Than Two, which sometimes described jealousy as a personal obstacle to overcome. (This was... I won't say the dominant attitude, but a common enough attitude in the poly community: that if you were feeling jealous about your partner's behavior, then you needed to do some personal work and learn to let those feelings go rather than asking your partner to change. Some people loved the way More Than Two handled the subject, some hated it.)
In "What I Got Wrong," Rickert talks about the ways that that attitude set her up for abuse. She doesn't argue that all poly is abusive—but she does point out that this particular practice of "overcoming" negative feelings rather than expressing them, which is highly valued in some parts of the poly community, can lead you to ignore bigger and bigger red flags, and to blame yourself rather than your abuser for how they make you feel.
posted by nebulawindphone at 9:26 AM on June 25, 2022 [10 favorites]
Here are more Captain Awkward columns on poly relationships.
posted by virago at 9:31 AM on June 25, 2022
posted by virago at 9:31 AM on June 25, 2022
The Network/La Red is a survivor-led, social justice organization that works to end partner abuse in lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, SM, polyamorous, and queer communities. They have a number of publications, including ones that address abuse in polyamorous relationships: https://www.tnlr.org/en/publications/
posted by sleepingwithcats at 3:02 PM on June 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by sleepingwithcats at 3:02 PM on June 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
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posted by somedaycatlady at 4:58 AM on June 25, 2022 [3 favorites]