Making friends with my middle-aged self
June 17, 2022 2:12 PM Subscribe
After trucking along through my early 40s without being noticeably not-in-my-30s, I seem to have crossed some sort of rubicon recently. And oh wow, I am NOT a big fan of it. What are your best tips for staying balanced about all of this: starting to work on changing what I can, but also feeling kinder toward my new and future self?
If this question is a little vague it's because I feel like this transition period is a little vague too. I'm open for any kind of response--I'd kind of like to just see how others have approached this. Acceptance? Botox? Starting a perimenopodcast? I'm open to hearing about it all.
For the first time since puberty I feel like I look in the mirror and see either a stranger, or my dad. I have never photographed well but now I photograph atrociously. I feel like my features are just different somehow, maybe it's all a bit puffy? Droopy? Most of me is all just somehow a bit puffy, actually, and I've officially got a couple pieces of clothing that Ain't Fit, which did fit last summer. The things that still fit nonetheless feel somewhat ridiculous? Stuff like that. I just seem to neither quite look nor feel like myself anymore.
At the same time, objectively, little has changed. The scale says I've put on give or take 5 lbs. Which is enough to show up on my frame, because I'm short and busty, but still. I have the impression that my face looks substantially older, in some way, but cannot actually point to any new wrinkles or folds. If you asked anyone in my daily life whether I suddenly looked or seemed different lately, they would probably say no. (Maaaaybe my partner, if he was being ruthlessly honest, has clocked those 5 extra pounds.)
Now, to be clear: none of this is especially ALARMING. I'm a middle aged lady who still drinks reasonably often, stays out late, and on weekends I eat like a toddler with a credit card. I certainly didn't expect to be able to do all of that consequence-free forever. And of course, like everyone, the ~~current unpleasantness~~ has put a crimp in my overall activity levels, although I still exercise regularly.
So, sure, I'm making plans to get some more vegetables into my life and sleep a little better and drink water and restart those pilates classes. But because I don't intend to go vegan or give up booze or cake, I realize that there is a certain level of acceptance to be attained here.
So Mefites, please give me your thoughts on how I can start to feel more like myself, whether by battling back the tides or embracing them or some mix of both!
If this question is a little vague it's because I feel like this transition period is a little vague too. I'm open for any kind of response--I'd kind of like to just see how others have approached this. Acceptance? Botox? Starting a perimenopodcast? I'm open to hearing about it all.
For the first time since puberty I feel like I look in the mirror and see either a stranger, or my dad. I have never photographed well but now I photograph atrociously. I feel like my features are just different somehow, maybe it's all a bit puffy? Droopy? Most of me is all just somehow a bit puffy, actually, and I've officially got a couple pieces of clothing that Ain't Fit, which did fit last summer. The things that still fit nonetheless feel somewhat ridiculous? Stuff like that. I just seem to neither quite look nor feel like myself anymore.
At the same time, objectively, little has changed. The scale says I've put on give or take 5 lbs. Which is enough to show up on my frame, because I'm short and busty, but still. I have the impression that my face looks substantially older, in some way, but cannot actually point to any new wrinkles or folds. If you asked anyone in my daily life whether I suddenly looked or seemed different lately, they would probably say no. (Maaaaybe my partner, if he was being ruthlessly honest, has clocked those 5 extra pounds.)
Now, to be clear: none of this is especially ALARMING. I'm a middle aged lady who still drinks reasonably often, stays out late, and on weekends I eat like a toddler with a credit card. I certainly didn't expect to be able to do all of that consequence-free forever. And of course, like everyone, the ~~current unpleasantness~~ has put a crimp in my overall activity levels, although I still exercise regularly.
So, sure, I'm making plans to get some more vegetables into my life and sleep a little better and drink water and restart those pilates classes. But because I don't intend to go vegan or give up booze or cake, I realize that there is a certain level of acceptance to be attained here.
So Mefites, please give me your thoughts on how I can start to feel more like myself, whether by battling back the tides or embracing them or some mix of both!
Taking up meditation can help, possibly.
posted by matildaben at 2:48 PM on June 17, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by matildaben at 2:48 PM on June 17, 2022 [3 favorites]
I'm about ten years down the road from you, and will say this: with some genetic variance, the price you pay for staying up late, boozing, eating poorly, being sedentary, and generally carrying on escalates pretty quickly from here on in, and the bill for doing it in the past now comes due.
I *love* staying out late listening to music and drinking beer, and would probably do it 2-3 nights a week if I could, but I've found that dialing that back and paying more attention to my diet, sleep, drinking (way down) and exercise now makes a much bigger impact both on how I feel and how I look that it ever has before.
I'm trying to strike a balance between accepting that the house is kind of falling down no matter what I do, and occasionally still having a party in it, and getting off my ass to do all that tedious but necessary maintenance that is our lot as middle aged people. It's a week-by-week project.
posted by ryanshepard at 2:49 PM on June 17, 2022 [30 favorites]
I *love* staying out late listening to music and drinking beer, and would probably do it 2-3 nights a week if I could, but I've found that dialing that back and paying more attention to my diet, sleep, drinking (way down) and exercise now makes a much bigger impact both on how I feel and how I look that it ever has before.
I'm trying to strike a balance between accepting that the house is kind of falling down no matter what I do, and occasionally still having a party in it, and getting off my ass to do all that tedious but necessary maintenance that is our lot as middle aged people. It's a week-by-week project.
posted by ryanshepard at 2:49 PM on June 17, 2022 [30 favorites]
So I'm all about the vain, and less about the sensible. This may not apply to you but there's a whole thing about fashion silhouettes changing around us as time passes but without really being objectively noticeable. If your body is changing shape at the same time, then your clothes can end up being much more 'off' compared to people you see around you. New clothes, in a more currently fashionable style/shape can really help with this. Similarly, if you wear make up then changing that up can make a big difference. It's not, in my opinion, that only certain clothes/make up/hair look good on a specific age range but that what looks good to your eye is influenced both by what you see around you (so fashion) and the way specific things look on you (affected by aging).
posted by plonkee at 3:02 PM on June 17, 2022 [12 favorites]
posted by plonkee at 3:02 PM on June 17, 2022 [12 favorites]
I'm about ten years down the road from you, and will say this: with some genetic variance, the price you pay for staying up late, boozing, eating poorly, being sedentary, and generally carrying on escalates pretty quickly from here on in, and the bill for doing it in the past now comes due.
This is me too! I mean, in some ways. But yes, this is the decade that, for me, big changes happen and parts of me resemble my parents. I wind up at a dinner party with folks and we all wind up talking about our medicines and no one's had a new partner in over a decade. I have multiple kinds of glasses where I had none a decade ago and depending on how I'm sleeping and eating I can have JOWLS, or NO JOWLS and I find the lack of consistency maddening.
None of this bothers me too much and I think I was really lucky in that neither of my parents seemed to mind aging too much so I didn't learn to not like it. They had other problems but that was not one of them. So with this in mind here are the things that have helped me. I am also short and busty, fwiw, and eat like a toddler with a credit card.
- regular exercise even if it's just walking. I try to spend fewer hours in a row sitting or lounging and I walk a few miles a day. Obviously that's not for everyone but I catch up on podcasts, see neighbors, get some errands done, etc. It has a lot of value. I live in a rural area so ymmv on something like this but I like the routine.
- regular medical attention so nothing falls through the cracks. Doctor and dentist and therapist and follow-ups.
- tossing out the clothes that don't fit, getting more clothes that do fit and that are more forgiving in the ways I want/need them to be. These don't have to be "older person" clothes if you don't want them to be (mine aren't) but can just be flattering for someone your age.
- sleep like it is my job. Seriously the biggest "for me" health thing I do is adjust everything else so I get a solid eight hours nearly every night. This is work but it's worthwhile work, for me and pays dividends.
- speaking of dividends getting my financial life in order and attending to other stressors is useful This can mean tossing friendships overboard that are flat out not-rewarding, high drama, or seem to only go one direction. I don't ghost people or break up, I just quietly demote people to acquaintance.
- along these lines, checking your list of friends and family and making sure it includes people roughly your age, also older, also younger. I feel that's been nice for me, interacting with people in a lot of different life phases. Some people also like to make sure there are children in their lives even if they don't have them, I've never found the pull, but have heard good things about that path.
- drink water, use moisturizer and sunscreen, do something nice with your hair, wear earrings if you lean that way. Stretch, get pains looked at sooner rather than later. If you eat crappy food normally, just eat slightly less of it. Dial back caffeine, pot, alcohol, smoking. Make sure you have hobbies. Make sure you have other friends besides your partner.
Another thing super helpful for me was having at least some friends about my age who were in about the same ballpark as me and having sort of overt discussions about this stuff that weren't GETTING OLD SUCKS but just more like "Hey are you getting weird hairs on the backs of your thighs??" so like approaching stuff with curiosity and acceptance not dug-in fighting it.
posted by jessamyn at 3:13 PM on June 17, 2022 [56 favorites]
This is me too! I mean, in some ways. But yes, this is the decade that, for me, big changes happen and parts of me resemble my parents. I wind up at a dinner party with folks and we all wind up talking about our medicines and no one's had a new partner in over a decade. I have multiple kinds of glasses where I had none a decade ago and depending on how I'm sleeping and eating I can have JOWLS, or NO JOWLS and I find the lack of consistency maddening.
None of this bothers me too much and I think I was really lucky in that neither of my parents seemed to mind aging too much so I didn't learn to not like it. They had other problems but that was not one of them. So with this in mind here are the things that have helped me. I am also short and busty, fwiw, and eat like a toddler with a credit card.
- regular exercise even if it's just walking. I try to spend fewer hours in a row sitting or lounging and I walk a few miles a day. Obviously that's not for everyone but I catch up on podcasts, see neighbors, get some errands done, etc. It has a lot of value. I live in a rural area so ymmv on something like this but I like the routine.
- regular medical attention so nothing falls through the cracks. Doctor and dentist and therapist and follow-ups.
- tossing out the clothes that don't fit, getting more clothes that do fit and that are more forgiving in the ways I want/need them to be. These don't have to be "older person" clothes if you don't want them to be (mine aren't) but can just be flattering for someone your age.
- sleep like it is my job. Seriously the biggest "for me" health thing I do is adjust everything else so I get a solid eight hours nearly every night. This is work but it's worthwhile work, for me and pays dividends.
- speaking of dividends getting my financial life in order and attending to other stressors is useful This can mean tossing friendships overboard that are flat out not-rewarding, high drama, or seem to only go one direction. I don't ghost people or break up, I just quietly demote people to acquaintance.
- along these lines, checking your list of friends and family and making sure it includes people roughly your age, also older, also younger. I feel that's been nice for me, interacting with people in a lot of different life phases. Some people also like to make sure there are children in their lives even if they don't have them, I've never found the pull, but have heard good things about that path.
- drink water, use moisturizer and sunscreen, do something nice with your hair, wear earrings if you lean that way. Stretch, get pains looked at sooner rather than later. If you eat crappy food normally, just eat slightly less of it. Dial back caffeine, pot, alcohol, smoking. Make sure you have hobbies. Make sure you have other friends besides your partner.
Another thing super helpful for me was having at least some friends about my age who were in about the same ballpark as me and having sort of overt discussions about this stuff that weren't GETTING OLD SUCKS but just more like "Hey are you getting weird hairs on the backs of your thighs??" so like approaching stuff with curiosity and acceptance not dug-in fighting it.
posted by jessamyn at 3:13 PM on June 17, 2022 [56 favorites]
Are there any people in your life (or whom you know about, or could imagine) whose growing maturity felt good to you? Is there any way you could draw these people and their aging into your own perception of your own aging? Are there any things you feel you are gaining by this process*? Would those gains be specific to your own mix of experiences and self, thus making you more yourself even than you had been earlier?
My group of role-models-for-aging included many grand- and great-grandparents (I was born with 10 of these) and extended family of a variety of ages, and then teachers and friends. Not necessarily earthshaking, but each of them had something I liked about them, which I associate with middle (and eventually, older) age. I look more like them now (mid-fifties) and my love for them turns right back inwards, into me. Maybe you have people for whom that would happen, too?
*Beyond the 5 pounds, which sounds pretty small as gains go - although that may be something to check out with your doctor next time you seen them, just to hear from your actual expert professional whether or not it is a problem.
posted by Shunra at 3:14 PM on June 17, 2022 [4 favorites]
My group of role-models-for-aging included many grand- and great-grandparents (I was born with 10 of these) and extended family of a variety of ages, and then teachers and friends. Not necessarily earthshaking, but each of them had something I liked about them, which I associate with middle (and eventually, older) age. I look more like them now (mid-fifties) and my love for them turns right back inwards, into me. Maybe you have people for whom that would happen, too?
*Beyond the 5 pounds, which sounds pretty small as gains go - although that may be something to check out with your doctor next time you seen them, just to hear from your actual expert professional whether or not it is a problem.
posted by Shunra at 3:14 PM on June 17, 2022 [4 favorites]
My wife and I are in our early forties and somewhere between 37 and 41 we crossed that big invisible line between "basically young adult" and "middle aged." Part of it is working and socializing with people in their mid-twenties and realizing that holy shit, these people are basically kids, but more of it is the sense that our bodies are changing and aging much like you describe. We don't look especially different then we did at say, age 27 (aside from a few more laugh lines, pounds, and gray hairs), so the way we often describe this change is in terms of energy levels.
I have become far more aware of how sleep, diet, and lifestyle impact my energy levels and how much more stressful life is when I'm not operating with optimal levels of energy. When I consistently get 8 hours of sleep, exercise regularly, eat healthy and balanced meals, and make an effort to "adult" so I'm not putting out household- and work-related fires all the time, I feel so much better and relaxed about everything. That means I also guard my time more jealously and say no to people, events, and situations that don't add any value. I have also learned to advocate for my own health and regularly go for medical and dental checkups - recently my GP got me a referral to a gastroenterologist and helped diagnose some digestive issues I've been having for years and get them cleared up.
I will say this, the single habit I have picked up with the biggest impact on my quality of life is regular strength training - lifting weights. I am not and never will be ripped but the physical strengthening and stability that has come from regularly lifting weights has done wonders for how good I feel and how I have been able to avoid injury or soreness. I strongly encourage it!
posted by fortitude25 at 3:16 PM on June 17, 2022 [20 favorites]
I have become far more aware of how sleep, diet, and lifestyle impact my energy levels and how much more stressful life is when I'm not operating with optimal levels of energy. When I consistently get 8 hours of sleep, exercise regularly, eat healthy and balanced meals, and make an effort to "adult" so I'm not putting out household- and work-related fires all the time, I feel so much better and relaxed about everything. That means I also guard my time more jealously and say no to people, events, and situations that don't add any value. I have also learned to advocate for my own health and regularly go for medical and dental checkups - recently my GP got me a referral to a gastroenterologist and helped diagnose some digestive issues I've been having for years and get them cleared up.
I will say this, the single habit I have picked up with the biggest impact on my quality of life is regular strength training - lifting weights. I am not and never will be ripped but the physical strengthening and stability that has come from regularly lifting weights has done wonders for how good I feel and how I have been able to avoid injury or soreness. I strongly encourage it!
posted by fortitude25 at 3:16 PM on June 17, 2022 [20 favorites]
that "just different somehow" aspect could be skin tone. Retin-A fixes this, but at the cost of making your skin very burn prone. If you're in the USA, finding retin-a at a reasonable price is challenging: I get mine from Canadian or Indian pharmacies.
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:34 PM on June 17, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:34 PM on June 17, 2022 [6 favorites]
I gave up drinking (mostly) 15 years ago and am relatively fit and get my 8 hours, but feel basically the same way. That stuff don't help! I have no idea how to make peace! I've even been balding since my early 20s so I have low expectations, not expecting a supermodel or anything!
I look like a gargoyle in photos. I still feel fine, so I have that going for me. But photos? No way!
posted by The_Vegetables at 3:35 PM on June 17, 2022 [3 favorites]
I look like a gargoyle in photos. I still feel fine, so I have that going for me. But photos? No way!
posted by The_Vegetables at 3:35 PM on June 17, 2022 [3 favorites]
The only ribbing I get is from my snarky children, so my family all think I look fine and don't notice anything different.
posted by The_Vegetables at 3:36 PM on June 17, 2022
posted by The_Vegetables at 3:36 PM on June 17, 2022
Educate yourself about HRT and if you decide you’re on board with it, don’t suffer needlessly before starting it. My sleep improved starting literally the night I applied my first estrogen patch. I wish I had started it years ago. Also, alcohol is no longer causing me to have hot flashes. And sex was starting to get a little complicated and now it’s back to being reliably lovely. Huge fan of HRT so far!
I think every woman struggles with the change to her appearance. I am coping with it by focusing on getting strong. It gives me something to feel proud about and it’s something I can control, unlike my fat distribution and aging face. I work out and almost immediately look better and am noticeably stronger or more flexible or whatever it was my workout focused on. And I feel more comfortable in my body, physically, I mean, which is something you will become acutely aware of in the years to come. People don’t wear Eileen Fisher-type loose clothing only to flatter their new shapes, they do it because they have an intense need for physical comfort now.
But yeah, a lot of it requires acceptance, which is a learned skill. If you enjoyed having a nice figure all your life, it’s natural to miss that pleasure and it takes time to replace it with something else. I’m not entirely there but I’m feeling more okay about it all the time. I want to get over it as fast as I can. Time is short and staring critically at myself in the mirror is not how I want to spend the limited time I have left.
posted by HotToddy at 4:06 PM on June 17, 2022 [16 favorites]
I think every woman struggles with the change to her appearance. I am coping with it by focusing on getting strong. It gives me something to feel proud about and it’s something I can control, unlike my fat distribution and aging face. I work out and almost immediately look better and am noticeably stronger or more flexible or whatever it was my workout focused on. And I feel more comfortable in my body, physically, I mean, which is something you will become acutely aware of in the years to come. People don’t wear Eileen Fisher-type loose clothing only to flatter their new shapes, they do it because they have an intense need for physical comfort now.
But yeah, a lot of it requires acceptance, which is a learned skill. If you enjoyed having a nice figure all your life, it’s natural to miss that pleasure and it takes time to replace it with something else. I’m not entirely there but I’m feeling more okay about it all the time. I want to get over it as fast as I can. Time is short and staring critically at myself in the mirror is not how I want to spend the limited time I have left.
posted by HotToddy at 4:06 PM on June 17, 2022 [16 favorites]
So, sure, I'm making plans to get some more vegetables into my life and sleep a little better and drink water and restart those pilates classes. But because I don't intend to go vegan or give up booze or cake, I realize that there is a certain level of acceptance to be attained here.
So you know what to do on the health front.
And you already know that alcohol does not help the aging process. It's likely contributing to the puffiness (dehydration), and the droopiness (alcohol is said to deplete collagen). Of course gravity causes droopiness too. I've read a book by a dermatologist and she said that some people are wrinkle-types and some people are droopy-types, and it's all determined on how your skin is programmed to age.
I haven't had Botox or fillers or procedures so I can't advise on that. You might go for a consult. There are all sorts of non-invasive, and invasive, procedures out there and you might find some of them helpful. Pharmaceuticals like Retin-A and skincare procedures that are done in the dermatologist's office may be worth looking into. Skin brightening treatments that you can buy without a prescription may give you a boost, too -- like Vitamin C serums and enzyme peels and hydrating face masks and all that jazz. I still think there is nothing more "skin brightening" than giving up the booze, exercising, eating nutritious foods, sleeping, and drinking water.
I will turn 50 this year. I don't feel as attractive as I did pre-Covid, yet like you, nothing drastic has happened to my face or body. I try not to look in the mirror too much. Not because I dislike what I see but I'd rather not obsess about it. I had a period where I would take selfies to determine if I were attractive. I wouldn't show them to anyone. I would only analyze them and delete them and sometimes I would be okay with how I looked, yet often I would not. I decided to stop taking these selfies because I can't change my face and the whole exercise was not doing anything positive for me.
Things that help me feel good, okay, and neutral about my looks and the aging process: Primping and putting some effort into my appearance -- even if it's slathering some lotion on my body. Exercise and yoga (there is nothing better imo). Wearing flattering colors around my face (I know the colors that flatter my complexion and how they can "wake me up"). Pedicures. Wearing dresses. Wearing pretty shoes. Hanging out with interesting and good people who are my age (we're all in this together).
As I age I think less about how I am being perceived physically, and can fully see the person in front of me and pay attention to them as whole person and it reminds me that I'm a whole person, too. My "Do you think I'm sexy?" feelings have calmed down. They ebbed and flowed and were high in my mid- forties to my surprise. I think this is common with women -- the increase in libido and all of the feelings that go with it. It's as if my body is now saying I can relax because procreating is over. It's corny but paying attention to my inner beauty and seeing the inner beauty of others is where it's at. That's what life is about at this stage in the game. Appreciating what I can do brings me happiness-- I am still so able-bodied and can pretty much walk as fast as I want and get around pain free and do all of the things I want to do.
I also like reading Oldster.
posted by loveandhappiness at 4:06 PM on June 17, 2022 [5 favorites]
So you know what to do on the health front.
And you already know that alcohol does not help the aging process. It's likely contributing to the puffiness (dehydration), and the droopiness (alcohol is said to deplete collagen). Of course gravity causes droopiness too. I've read a book by a dermatologist and she said that some people are wrinkle-types and some people are droopy-types, and it's all determined on how your skin is programmed to age.
I haven't had Botox or fillers or procedures so I can't advise on that. You might go for a consult. There are all sorts of non-invasive, and invasive, procedures out there and you might find some of them helpful. Pharmaceuticals like Retin-A and skincare procedures that are done in the dermatologist's office may be worth looking into. Skin brightening treatments that you can buy without a prescription may give you a boost, too -- like Vitamin C serums and enzyme peels and hydrating face masks and all that jazz. I still think there is nothing more "skin brightening" than giving up the booze, exercising, eating nutritious foods, sleeping, and drinking water.
I will turn 50 this year. I don't feel as attractive as I did pre-Covid, yet like you, nothing drastic has happened to my face or body. I try not to look in the mirror too much. Not because I dislike what I see but I'd rather not obsess about it. I had a period where I would take selfies to determine if I were attractive. I wouldn't show them to anyone. I would only analyze them and delete them and sometimes I would be okay with how I looked, yet often I would not. I decided to stop taking these selfies because I can't change my face and the whole exercise was not doing anything positive for me.
Things that help me feel good, okay, and neutral about my looks and the aging process: Primping and putting some effort into my appearance -- even if it's slathering some lotion on my body. Exercise and yoga (there is nothing better imo). Wearing flattering colors around my face (I know the colors that flatter my complexion and how they can "wake me up"). Pedicures. Wearing dresses. Wearing pretty shoes. Hanging out with interesting and good people who are my age (we're all in this together).
As I age I think less about how I am being perceived physically, and can fully see the person in front of me and pay attention to them as whole person and it reminds me that I'm a whole person, too. My "Do you think I'm sexy?" feelings have calmed down. They ebbed and flowed and were high in my mid- forties to my surprise. I think this is common with women -- the increase in libido and all of the feelings that go with it. It's as if my body is now saying I can relax because procreating is over. It's corny but paying attention to my inner beauty and seeing the inner beauty of others is where it's at. That's what life is about at this stage in the game. Appreciating what I can do brings me happiness-- I am still so able-bodied and can pretty much walk as fast as I want and get around pain free and do all of the things I want to do.
I also like reading Oldster.
posted by loveandhappiness at 4:06 PM on June 17, 2022 [5 favorites]
Totally agree with all of the important things people above have said about self-acceptance, walking, sleep, etc. But I just wanted to chime in with a few suggestions about more aesthetic things, which you can feel free to take or leave. I'm in my 30s, but over the last few years, I have felt changes that have meant that I have to exert more effort to maintain a similar appearance. I'm geekily into skincare science and have read extensively on it (partly because my skin is so reactive that most products don't work on me). Things that I believe have made the biggest difference to my appearance in terms of anti-aging (and general healthiness of my skin, which I think are closely related) are:
- Tretinoin. Prescription-only, and I have found the 0.04% microspheres to be the most tolerable. If you don't know about retinoids, read extensively before starting them about the best routine, otherwise your face might peel off. You can get over-the-counter options like retinol etc. I've never used that but have heard good things about Geek and Gorgeous' versions.
- Facial sunscreen, every day, rain or shine. I have historically had some luck with Drmtlgy, Versed, an Asian version that I think has advanced UV filters not available in the US, an Elta MD sunscreen (can't remember which one), and Colorescience. Paula's Choice might also have some decent stuff. Relatively expensive, but one of the best anti-aging tools in one's toolkit. I can't stand greasy textures on my skin, but if you're more tolerant, you can get cheaper sunscreens.
- Peptides: I'd recommend 2% matrixyl synthe’6 and 8% matrixyl 3000. (I recommend Timeless's versions: they've never irritated my skin, they're in the percent concentration that scientific studies have tested, they feel lovely on, and they're cheaper than many competitors' versions, especially in the 4oz size; I have used these 2x/day for almost a year and a half. The Ordinary has a matrixyl serum that also has 8% matrixyl 3000 and 2% matrixyl synthe'6: it's significantly cheaper than Timeless, especially because you only have to buy one bottle instead of two. Unfortunately the Ordinary's version broke me out - I think either from the polysorbate 20 or the hydrogenated castor oil. But if your skin is less finicky than mine, it could be worth a shot.)
- Topical antioxidants, especially vitamin C. If you can tolerate Ascorbic acid, that has the most studies about efficacy (the gold standard is 15-20% concentration, below pH 3.5, ideally with vitamin E and ferulic acid). SkinCeuticals is the famous one, but if like me you can't stomach spending that much, some popular versions that appear sound according to the science include Timeless (this broke me out, but many have had success with it), Geek and Gorgeous (haven't tried it but it's next on my list), and Maelove.
If you can't tolerate ascorbic acid, vitamin C derivatives can work. Magnesium ascorbyl phosphate in a 5% concentration has some studies behind it: again, I use Timeless's version. Happy to dig up some more decent vit C derivatives if you're interested. Other antioxidants: Timeless's Matrixyl 3000 serum I mentioned above also has coenzyme Q10, which is an antioxidant. I also have had good effects from azelaic acid (I use Finacea, prescription only), which functions in part as an antioxidant. There's also Timeless's Panthenol (vitamin B5) serum. There are various other options, including Paula's Choice etc.
- Niacinamide in a 4-5% concentration. Many like Stratia Rewind or Holy Snails' Shark Sauce.
- Alpha Hydroxy Acid peels can promote a younger look through exfoliation and collagen synthesis, especially in higher concentrations (at least 15-20%). These increase your sensitivity to sun and can be irritating, so I'd start with some of the above suggestions first. Some get these professionally done, but I've used Make Up Artist's Choice at home.
Anyway, I guess what I'm saying in all this is that if you're interested in anti-aging products for your face, focus on the ingredients and their concentrations, trying to choose what's indicated by scientific studies. Far too many products don't disclose the percentages of their ingredients and/or include a lot of things that aren't demonstrated to do much of anything. The heaviest hitters are retinoids (especially tretinoin), vitamin C (ascorbic acid), vitamin C derivatives and other antioxidants (including niacinamide), probably peptides, and definitely sunscreen. I have looked extensively into this and am happy to give more advice if you message me.
posted by ClaireBear at 4:18 PM on June 17, 2022 [33 favorites]
- Tretinoin. Prescription-only, and I have found the 0.04% microspheres to be the most tolerable. If you don't know about retinoids, read extensively before starting them about the best routine, otherwise your face might peel off. You can get over-the-counter options like retinol etc. I've never used that but have heard good things about Geek and Gorgeous' versions.
- Facial sunscreen, every day, rain or shine. I have historically had some luck with Drmtlgy, Versed, an Asian version that I think has advanced UV filters not available in the US, an Elta MD sunscreen (can't remember which one), and Colorescience. Paula's Choice might also have some decent stuff. Relatively expensive, but one of the best anti-aging tools in one's toolkit. I can't stand greasy textures on my skin, but if you're more tolerant, you can get cheaper sunscreens.
- Peptides: I'd recommend 2% matrixyl synthe’6 and 8% matrixyl 3000. (I recommend Timeless's versions: they've never irritated my skin, they're in the percent concentration that scientific studies have tested, they feel lovely on, and they're cheaper than many competitors' versions, especially in the 4oz size; I have used these 2x/day for almost a year and a half. The Ordinary has a matrixyl serum that also has 8% matrixyl 3000 and 2% matrixyl synthe'6: it's significantly cheaper than Timeless, especially because you only have to buy one bottle instead of two. Unfortunately the Ordinary's version broke me out - I think either from the polysorbate 20 or the hydrogenated castor oil. But if your skin is less finicky than mine, it could be worth a shot.)
- Topical antioxidants, especially vitamin C. If you can tolerate Ascorbic acid, that has the most studies about efficacy (the gold standard is 15-20% concentration, below pH 3.5, ideally with vitamin E and ferulic acid). SkinCeuticals is the famous one, but if like me you can't stomach spending that much, some popular versions that appear sound according to the science include Timeless (this broke me out, but many have had success with it), Geek and Gorgeous (haven't tried it but it's next on my list), and Maelove.
If you can't tolerate ascorbic acid, vitamin C derivatives can work. Magnesium ascorbyl phosphate in a 5% concentration has some studies behind it: again, I use Timeless's version. Happy to dig up some more decent vit C derivatives if you're interested. Other antioxidants: Timeless's Matrixyl 3000 serum I mentioned above also has coenzyme Q10, which is an antioxidant. I also have had good effects from azelaic acid (I use Finacea, prescription only), which functions in part as an antioxidant. There's also Timeless's Panthenol (vitamin B5) serum. There are various other options, including Paula's Choice etc.
- Niacinamide in a 4-5% concentration. Many like Stratia Rewind or Holy Snails' Shark Sauce.
- Alpha Hydroxy Acid peels can promote a younger look through exfoliation and collagen synthesis, especially in higher concentrations (at least 15-20%). These increase your sensitivity to sun and can be irritating, so I'd start with some of the above suggestions first. Some get these professionally done, but I've used Make Up Artist's Choice at home.
Anyway, I guess what I'm saying in all this is that if you're interested in anti-aging products for your face, focus on the ingredients and their concentrations, trying to choose what's indicated by scientific studies. Far too many products don't disclose the percentages of their ingredients and/or include a lot of things that aren't demonstrated to do much of anything. The heaviest hitters are retinoids (especially tretinoin), vitamin C (ascorbic acid), vitamin C derivatives and other antioxidants (including niacinamide), probably peptides, and definitely sunscreen. I have looked extensively into this and am happy to give more advice if you message me.
posted by ClaireBear at 4:18 PM on June 17, 2022 [33 favorites]
I think you should embrace your older self. My opinion is that fighting aging is futile. Look at photos of older people who are fighting the years and ask yourself if they look like they are younger or if they look like older people trying to look younger. My grandmother chose to continue getting her period until she was in her eighties. I cannot wrap my head around it still. The woman chose to bleed monthly for almost 70 years. She did this in order to look young and she looked just like everyone else her age.
Inspirational quotes are usually not my thing but there's a saying attributed to Einstein that has really helped me whenever I look in the mirror and feel weird about myself:
"It would be a sad situation if the wrapper were better than the meat wrapped inside it."
He was talking about clothing but I think of my skin/body as the wrapper. It's really helped me to focus on how I feel as the meat I am and not pay as much attention to how my outside parts are not behaving like they used to.
I also am really grossed out by the attitude that young=sexy and by the many ways that youthfulness in appearance is fetishized. It's been really good for me to lean away from all that as much as I can and to spend my energy on trying to be the best meat I can be.
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 5:50 PM on June 17, 2022 [5 favorites]
Inspirational quotes are usually not my thing but there's a saying attributed to Einstein that has really helped me whenever I look in the mirror and feel weird about myself:
"It would be a sad situation if the wrapper were better than the meat wrapped inside it."
He was talking about clothing but I think of my skin/body as the wrapper. It's really helped me to focus on how I feel as the meat I am and not pay as much attention to how my outside parts are not behaving like they used to.
I also am really grossed out by the attitude that young=sexy and by the many ways that youthfulness in appearance is fetishized. It's been really good for me to lean away from all that as much as I can and to spend my energy on trying to be the best meat I can be.
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 5:50 PM on June 17, 2022 [5 favorites]
In my early 30s I worked for a seniors' magazine and in my late 30s-40s I worked for a magazine for women 40-60.
A few things I learned:
- skincare consult. I never became expert in this but it does help including pro facials. I don't bother for a lot of reasons but I do take collagen powder in my coffee for skin/hair/nails
- hydrate all the time
- if you are dying your hair, go lighter in tone...as your skin loses brightness dark hair makes it look older for whatever reason
- body-wise, a really good bra fitting and the right bras ($$) will make a huge difference...but may not be all that comfortable.
- use facial masks, the kind that are goopey and hydrating, on your hands and neck (it won't perform miracles but will help)
- structured clothing helps, and classic pieces are timeless in many ways
But what I took away was...I got to interview so many people in those ages talking about aging, reinvention, careers, family, regrets, and the people who were having a blast always had two things in common.
One was that they were interested in things and people, all kinds of people.
Two was that they pleased themselves, and - inhabited their own skin.
Sometimes that meant various treatments. I'm personally too freaky about body autonomy to get Botox or surgery but I think if people want to, hey, go for it. But mostly it mean that they kind of grabbed onto who they were and appreciated themselves. One of my favourite people struggled with appearance especially after a divorce - but also wore mini skirts despite yes, visible varicose veins, and said she would give miniskirts up never. That was really her. It was beautiful.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:08 PM on June 17, 2022 [15 favorites]
A few things I learned:
- skincare consult. I never became expert in this but it does help including pro facials. I don't bother for a lot of reasons but I do take collagen powder in my coffee for skin/hair/nails
- hydrate all the time
- if you are dying your hair, go lighter in tone...as your skin loses brightness dark hair makes it look older for whatever reason
- body-wise, a really good bra fitting and the right bras ($$) will make a huge difference...but may not be all that comfortable.
- use facial masks, the kind that are goopey and hydrating, on your hands and neck (it won't perform miracles but will help)
- structured clothing helps, and classic pieces are timeless in many ways
But what I took away was...I got to interview so many people in those ages talking about aging, reinvention, careers, family, regrets, and the people who were having a blast always had two things in common.
One was that they were interested in things and people, all kinds of people.
Two was that they pleased themselves, and - inhabited their own skin.
Sometimes that meant various treatments. I'm personally too freaky about body autonomy to get Botox or surgery but I think if people want to, hey, go for it. But mostly it mean that they kind of grabbed onto who they were and appreciated themselves. One of my favourite people struggled with appearance especially after a divorce - but also wore mini skirts despite yes, visible varicose veins, and said she would give miniskirts up never. That was really her. It was beautiful.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:08 PM on June 17, 2022 [15 favorites]
A lot of my strategy has been cultivating the fine art of Giving Zero Fucks. I wear nerdy dresses and ride a fancy custom bicycle and eat what I want and buy myself jewelry I like and... it's really nice, actually, to shut the little voice saying all the shoulds and should-nots all the way down?
Last month I visited a good friend (with all due COVID precautions), in part to go to a fancy photography studio that had done really well by her (another fat woman approaching middle age). I needed, and got, some fantastic professionally-usable shots -- but I also did half the session cosplaying as Madame Tracy from Good Omens and honest to goodness I had an absolute BLAST. (The studio does boudoir photography also, so they were happy to lend me a riding crop. It was awesome, and the photos are great.) Afterwards my friend and I strolled to a restaurant with outdoor seating for lunch while I was still all dolled up as Tracy. Zero fucks to give, me!
And you know what? I recognize myself in all the session photos. Sure, it's a me that's fat and fifty. But it's me. I don't feel alienated from myself, or that I need to look any different to be worthwhile.
Hunt that feeling, if you can?
posted by humbug at 7:15 PM on June 17, 2022 [17 favorites]
Last month I visited a good friend (with all due COVID precautions), in part to go to a fancy photography studio that had done really well by her (another fat woman approaching middle age). I needed, and got, some fantastic professionally-usable shots -- but I also did half the session cosplaying as Madame Tracy from Good Omens and honest to goodness I had an absolute BLAST. (The studio does boudoir photography also, so they were happy to lend me a riding crop. It was awesome, and the photos are great.) Afterwards my friend and I strolled to a restaurant with outdoor seating for lunch while I was still all dolled up as Tracy. Zero fucks to give, me!
And you know what? I recognize myself in all the session photos. Sure, it's a me that's fat and fifty. But it's me. I don't feel alienated from myself, or that I need to look any different to be worthwhile.
Hunt that feeling, if you can?
posted by humbug at 7:15 PM on June 17, 2022 [17 favorites]
I’m a bit older than you but the way I’ve dealt with it is to recognize that I became an old fart honestly. I was never particularly into societal rules but now I really don’t care. My friends and I have earnest conversations about fiber over dinner. Physically speaking I’ve passed the midpoint of my life and my health is all a long slow slide from here.
Realizing that I’ve hit the halfway mark has resulted in some serious attitude changes. I’m no longer willing to be a person I don’t want to be, doing things that are meaningless to me. Starting in my 40s my life has included quite a bit of change and growth.
But some things are just part of being human, and our aspects as old farts are waiting there for all of us. It’s not all that I am but, well, fiber is a lot more important to me than it used to be.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:40 PM on June 17, 2022 [7 favorites]
Realizing that I’ve hit the halfway mark has resulted in some serious attitude changes. I’m no longer willing to be a person I don’t want to be, doing things that are meaningless to me. Starting in my 40s my life has included quite a bit of change and growth.
But some things are just part of being human, and our aspects as old farts are waiting there for all of us. It’s not all that I am but, well, fiber is a lot more important to me than it used to be.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:40 PM on June 17, 2022 [7 favorites]
What helps, for me, is to find new role models.
Both in fiction and in our world.
Powerful old witch ladies who exude don't give a fuck charisma and dominate every situation just by being present. Kind, quirky, tea brewing old women who don't need to be noticed to be subtly powerful.
People like Patty Smith and K D Lang, who look awesome because they look like themselves, and do amazing things.
It's genuinely exciting that I'm getting to be old enough that I can discover which of these personas suit me best.
I get to change into someone new who is more like me.
posted by Zumbador at 10:36 PM on June 17, 2022 [16 favorites]
Both in fiction and in our world.
Powerful old witch ladies who exude don't give a fuck charisma and dominate every situation just by being present. Kind, quirky, tea brewing old women who don't need to be noticed to be subtly powerful.
People like Patty Smith and K D Lang, who look awesome because they look like themselves, and do amazing things.
It's genuinely exciting that I'm getting to be old enough that I can discover which of these personas suit me best.
I get to change into someone new who is more like me.
posted by Zumbador at 10:36 PM on June 17, 2022 [16 favorites]
I don’t usually mind it, sometimes do, but when I do, I think of when I was a kid vacationing in Europe and marvelling at the ladies on the beach. French, German, Italian, whatever ladies in their 40s, 50s, 60s and *up* wearing the tiniest bikinis so they could soak up all the sun, with wrinkles or not, with five (or more) extra pounds or not, looking like they were having a ball, unconflicted about their bodies and faces, walking around relaxed, like they were at home. No or little makeup, sometimes unshaven. So fucking cool. So much the opposite of this weirdly neurotic and uptight North American way of being a woman. When I get weird about how my brows are sitting, I think of them.
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:46 PM on June 17, 2022 [14 favorites]
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:46 PM on June 17, 2022 [14 favorites]
This may sound trivial, but - if you watch tv, maybe spend some time watching only British tv? Watching American tv (am American) is often deeply disturbing to me because there are no even *remotely* normal-looking actors. Everyone is model-beautiful, homogenously so, and it’s off-putting. Gentle British reality tv has *actual* real people, both men and women, and watching them be good at baking or pottery or woodworking is just fucking lovely. They shine with the beauty of themselves.
British mysteries and cop dramas are full of *interesting*-looking people, including *women* with forehead wrinkles and under-eye bags, which I don’t think I have ever seen in the US. Women with lined faces and puffiness are also shown in the full range of life satisfactions. In the US, under-eye bags = Failing at work! Lonely, bitter! Hates her life! In a British cop drama, under-eye bags could = that, but they also could = Top of her field! Dating folks of all ages, pursuing and being pursued! Figuring it out and having a good time along the way!
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 11:29 PM on June 17, 2022 [29 favorites]
British mysteries and cop dramas are full of *interesting*-looking people, including *women* with forehead wrinkles and under-eye bags, which I don’t think I have ever seen in the US. Women with lined faces and puffiness are also shown in the full range of life satisfactions. In the US, under-eye bags = Failing at work! Lonely, bitter! Hates her life! In a British cop drama, under-eye bags could = that, but they also could = Top of her field! Dating folks of all ages, pursuing and being pursued! Figuring it out and having a good time along the way!
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 11:29 PM on June 17, 2022 [29 favorites]
If you have any nearby and once COVID permits, I recommend a trip to a Korean day spa, Russian banya, or any similar site designed for sitting around naked with other people. Your body will feel great after sweating and plunging and lazing, and it's so refreshing to be around a very wide range of other bodies just existing in the world.
posted by LeeLanded at 4:53 AM on June 18, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by LeeLanded at 4:53 AM on June 18, 2022 [5 favorites]
As somebody in her mid-fifties slide, I can say that you are still very young and it's not too late to make changes that will benefit you in the long and short term.
First off, weight training cannot be overstated how important it is especially for us ladies. I spent many years in the gym and even though I haven't been in a few years, it's paid off huge dividends. Lunges, core work, upper-body stuff: I really missed it and in January 2020 I signed up for a gym, and then ... yeah. I'd like to get back to a gym if I could make one work in my schedule.
Exercise is also very important, both at endurance levels and higher intensity. Swimming, walking, running, hiking, rock climbing, cycling: whatever you enjoy and will stick to.
I spent a lot of my twenties at rock shows and even into my forties, I was staying out at bars and drinking moderately to heavily. I am down to a single beer after work, and I rarely have more than a couple drinks over the course of a year.
Sleep is another big thing. I have cleaned up my sleep hygiene and get a solid 7-8 hours a night. If I do have an occasional bit of insomnia, it's a relatively small blip on the radar because I know I'll be out hard the following night. My bike commute and my job get me pretty tired, so I know when I get home I'm going to be ready for sleep.
You should allocate some of your budget for self-care, whether it's massage or a spa day or a regular mani-pedi. I spent a few years in the massage profession, and all I can say, if you have the money, get a regular massage.
Arguably the biggest thing that I've done in the last 10 years is that I reduced the work stress in my life. I had a really high-stress, low-reward office job for a few years, and it was just too much to cope with. So I am now working at a somewhat lower-paying retail gig, but I go home and I don't have to worry about work emails or stupid Zoom meetings and I can spend my downtime truly relaxing or doing whatever, whether it's hanging with my cats or riding my bike with friends.
(Just to add, I know that aging is also very much dependent on genetics, I have been lucky in that I haven't had to deal with pretty much any health issues that many of my cohort have had to, so YMMV.)
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 5:19 AM on June 18, 2022 [2 favorites]
First off, weight training cannot be overstated how important it is especially for us ladies. I spent many years in the gym and even though I haven't been in a few years, it's paid off huge dividends. Lunges, core work, upper-body stuff: I really missed it and in January 2020 I signed up for a gym, and then ... yeah. I'd like to get back to a gym if I could make one work in my schedule.
Exercise is also very important, both at endurance levels and higher intensity. Swimming, walking, running, hiking, rock climbing, cycling: whatever you enjoy and will stick to.
I spent a lot of my twenties at rock shows and even into my forties, I was staying out at bars and drinking moderately to heavily. I am down to a single beer after work, and I rarely have more than a couple drinks over the course of a year.
Sleep is another big thing. I have cleaned up my sleep hygiene and get a solid 7-8 hours a night. If I do have an occasional bit of insomnia, it's a relatively small blip on the radar because I know I'll be out hard the following night. My bike commute and my job get me pretty tired, so I know when I get home I'm going to be ready for sleep.
You should allocate some of your budget for self-care, whether it's massage or a spa day or a regular mani-pedi. I spent a few years in the massage profession, and all I can say, if you have the money, get a regular massage.
Arguably the biggest thing that I've done in the last 10 years is that I reduced the work stress in my life. I had a really high-stress, low-reward office job for a few years, and it was just too much to cope with. So I am now working at a somewhat lower-paying retail gig, but I go home and I don't have to worry about work emails or stupid Zoom meetings and I can spend my downtime truly relaxing or doing whatever, whether it's hanging with my cats or riding my bike with friends.
(Just to add, I know that aging is also very much dependent on genetics, I have been lucky in that I haven't had to deal with pretty much any health issues that many of my cohort have had to, so YMMV.)
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 5:19 AM on June 18, 2022 [2 favorites]
I'm 45, and it's been crazy.
I have melasma and newly angular cheekbones and my hair, which has been shot through with silver since my 20s, is now full on iron gray and a witchy wavy shock of wildness.
I look like my dad, after a lifetime of resembling my mom, all while I live out my mother's perimenopause.
I deal in a lot of ways.
I'm in therapy, and I'm seeing that this time in my life is an opportunity. I can let go of the patterns and resentments of my youth, and set boundaries and new expectations for myself as I age.
I let my toddler clean out my closet, anything frumpy or ill-fitting, she screamed "no!" and threw it down the stairs. Very effective. Shall I send her over?
posted by champers at 6:50 AM on June 18, 2022 [6 favorites]
I have melasma and newly angular cheekbones and my hair, which has been shot through with silver since my 20s, is now full on iron gray and a witchy wavy shock of wildness.
I look like my dad, after a lifetime of resembling my mom, all while I live out my mother's perimenopause.
I deal in a lot of ways.
I'm in therapy, and I'm seeing that this time in my life is an opportunity. I can let go of the patterns and resentments of my youth, and set boundaries and new expectations for myself as I age.
I let my toddler clean out my closet, anything frumpy or ill-fitting, she screamed "no!" and threw it down the stairs. Very effective. Shall I send her over?
posted by champers at 6:50 AM on June 18, 2022 [6 favorites]
I can't figure out clothes at all. I had a uniform through grad school (Jesus Lizard t-shirt and something on the bottom) and then another uniform through my thirties (denim skirt, cute knit top) and now I've been wearing these e-shakti dresses for years but I've noticed recently that I look weird, now, in short stuff, so I've been ordering everything below the knee. E-shakti's concept of "below the knee" is actually my idea of "at the knee or just a bit above," though, so even more recently I started getting everything "mid-calf." Post-pandemic I re-measured myself and added inches here and there and then the other day I watched "Keep Sweet Pray and Obey" on Netflix just to depress myself and a big E-shakti order arrived same day and I realized I had just spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars on a bunch of baggyass Laura Ingalls dresses so that I could look like a FLDS cultist. Funtastic. I'm not sending them all back to India to be rehemmed and taken in, so I'm going to have to pay for alterations. And it's still not going to be right; I'm still going to look like a weird old It's a Small World doll. I don't know what I wear, now. I'm in search of my new uniform.
posted by Don Pepino at 6:53 AM on June 18, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by Don Pepino at 6:53 AM on June 18, 2022 [5 favorites]
Post early pandemic, I meant.
posted by Don Pepino at 6:56 AM on June 18, 2022
posted by Don Pepino at 6:56 AM on June 18, 2022
Read the book Estrogen Matters and talk to your doctor.
I cannot stress enough how preventable some of these so-called "normal aging" issues are, with the restoration of one's youthful protective hormones.
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 10:42 AM on June 18, 2022 [1 favorite]
I cannot stress enough how preventable some of these so-called "normal aging" issues are, with the restoration of one's youthful protective hormones.
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 10:42 AM on June 18, 2022 [1 favorite]
I cannot stress enough how preventable some of these so-called "normal aging" issues are, with the restoration of one's youthful protective hormones.
This is something I'm finding really puzzling at the moment. The books I've bought on perimenopause talk at length about how much our bodies depend on oestrogen, and all the ways they basically go haywire when they can't make it any more. And apparently doctors can prescribe nature-identical hormones now, so... why is this not standard? Why is it up to me to figure out whether or not my body is going haywire *enough* and *in the right ways* for the NHS to consider it worth addressing, and then go and raise it with a doctor, instead of my GP surgery sending me a letter on my 45th birthday to say "when you notice any of these symptoms beginning, come and make an appointment and we'll discuss your options"?
Gah.
Anyway.
I am not feeling as sanguine about my hair greying and my skin changing as I thought I would, but some days are better than others, and the thing that seems to make the biggest difference to how I feel about myself on any given day is the quality of my sleep the night before. Cutting back on alcohol is helping there (drinking less than the amount that triggers a hangover is apparently still enough to wake me overheating in the night, which is new and annoying), and I think magnesium supplements are helping too, although for all I know that's a placebo effect.
posted by ManyLeggedCreature at 3:41 AM on June 20, 2022 [4 favorites]
This is something I'm finding really puzzling at the moment. The books I've bought on perimenopause talk at length about how much our bodies depend on oestrogen, and all the ways they basically go haywire when they can't make it any more. And apparently doctors can prescribe nature-identical hormones now, so... why is this not standard? Why is it up to me to figure out whether or not my body is going haywire *enough* and *in the right ways* for the NHS to consider it worth addressing, and then go and raise it with a doctor, instead of my GP surgery sending me a letter on my 45th birthday to say "when you notice any of these symptoms beginning, come and make an appointment and we'll discuss your options"?
Gah.
Anyway.
I am not feeling as sanguine about my hair greying and my skin changing as I thought I would, but some days are better than others, and the thing that seems to make the biggest difference to how I feel about myself on any given day is the quality of my sleep the night before. Cutting back on alcohol is helping there (drinking less than the amount that triggers a hangover is apparently still enough to wake me overheating in the night, which is new and annoying), and I think magnesium supplements are helping too, although for all I know that's a placebo effect.
posted by ManyLeggedCreature at 3:41 AM on June 20, 2022 [4 favorites]
I didn't think it would be hard, since I've never done makeup or dyed my hair, although occasionally I did feel I wasn't doing femininity correctly. But it has been hard hitting my mid-40s and watching my face change but not really being able to pinpoint why I wasn't recognizing myself in the mirror. I went to a dermatologist and got a diagnosis of mild rosacea, so I'm treating that, and also the abrupt onset of cystic acne that had never been a thing before. That helped, but I still see things changing...jowls, probably? Some wrinkles that are permanent now?) So far the greying hair hasn't been as bad. But I spend time in the bathroom poking at my face wondering what's going on.
I'm reading the Menopause Manifesto and I had a hysterectomy that left me with one ovary and based on my sudden inability to regular my temperature, I think that one ovary may be powering down. I'm going to talk to my doctor about estrogen, although I don't know if I really need it. And although I loathe most exercise, I'm probably going to start at least trying to lift weights, although actually I spend many work days doing that so maybe it's not as crucial for me. I'm also trying to embrace the changes and start living my "no fucks to give" lifestyle, but I'm kind of an anxious person so that's not always easy.
posted by PussKillian at 9:50 AM on June 20, 2022 [2 favorites]
I'm reading the Menopause Manifesto and I had a hysterectomy that left me with one ovary and based on my sudden inability to regular my temperature, I think that one ovary may be powering down. I'm going to talk to my doctor about estrogen, although I don't know if I really need it. And although I loathe most exercise, I'm probably going to start at least trying to lift weights, although actually I spend many work days doing that so maybe it's not as crucial for me. I'm also trying to embrace the changes and start living my "no fucks to give" lifestyle, but I'm kind of an anxious person so that's not always easy.
posted by PussKillian at 9:50 AM on June 20, 2022 [2 favorites]
51 y.o. male here. I know what you mean about seeing subtle signs of change in your face. It's weird.
One of the best things I've done for myself in recent years was to start using the free Lose It! app, just over a year ago. I had put on about 10 pandemic pounds, but had already put on about 10 pounds over the previous decade, just due to gradually decreasing activity levels -- more working from home, more screen time, etc.
I had been interested in practicing portion control, and had made very slight moves in that direction... but I still felt that overall, I didn't really have a handle on my eating. An acquaintance had recommended this app, and then I saw a couple other people mention it. I downloaded the free version last June, and got started with it.
It turned out to be exactly what I needed. I was already eating a relatively healthy diet, so all I had to do was make my portion sizes a bit smaller, and exercise a bit of diligence in tracking my consumption. I didn't give up any foods -- just ate a bit less. I don't obsess over my diet, and I go over my daily calorie target at least a couple times a week, but it's great to feel like I'm finally trakcing what and how much I'm eating, and what kind of caloric impact it has.
By the end of last year, I had lost 18 lbs. from my pandemic peak. Since then, I've oscillated back and forth slightly within a range of about 5 lbs., but I'm happy to be in the zone I'm currently in. I've thought about setting a more ambitious goal and trying to lose 5-10 more lbs. ... but I don't really think I need to.
It's not a transformative change, but I do feel better about myself for having lost the weight. I like fitting into clothes I was getting too heavy for. Do I look younger? Hmm. Not sure about that. In some ways, the weight may have been smoothing out my face a bit. I can see sharper angles in my face and neck now (tho my wife claims she can't see the difference). But on balance, I'm still happy with the change.
A side benefit is that I'm putting my exercise (walking and bike rides) into the app too, since they burn calories. That's given me a bit more encouragement in that department. All in all, it's satisfying to feel like I'm actually in better shape than I have been in at least a decade.
I realize that dieting, weight loss, etc. can be emotionally fraught for many people. So this may not be the right thing for everyone. But it's been great for me.
posted by Artifice_Eternity at 4:04 PM on June 20, 2022
One of the best things I've done for myself in recent years was to start using the free Lose It! app, just over a year ago. I had put on about 10 pandemic pounds, but had already put on about 10 pounds over the previous decade, just due to gradually decreasing activity levels -- more working from home, more screen time, etc.
I had been interested in practicing portion control, and had made very slight moves in that direction... but I still felt that overall, I didn't really have a handle on my eating. An acquaintance had recommended this app, and then I saw a couple other people mention it. I downloaded the free version last June, and got started with it.
It turned out to be exactly what I needed. I was already eating a relatively healthy diet, so all I had to do was make my portion sizes a bit smaller, and exercise a bit of diligence in tracking my consumption. I didn't give up any foods -- just ate a bit less. I don't obsess over my diet, and I go over my daily calorie target at least a couple times a week, but it's great to feel like I'm finally trakcing what and how much I'm eating, and what kind of caloric impact it has.
By the end of last year, I had lost 18 lbs. from my pandemic peak. Since then, I've oscillated back and forth slightly within a range of about 5 lbs., but I'm happy to be in the zone I'm currently in. I've thought about setting a more ambitious goal and trying to lose 5-10 more lbs. ... but I don't really think I need to.
It's not a transformative change, but I do feel better about myself for having lost the weight. I like fitting into clothes I was getting too heavy for. Do I look younger? Hmm. Not sure about that. In some ways, the weight may have been smoothing out my face a bit. I can see sharper angles in my face and neck now (tho my wife claims she can't see the difference). But on balance, I'm still happy with the change.
A side benefit is that I'm putting my exercise (walking and bike rides) into the app too, since they burn calories. That's given me a bit more encouragement in that department. All in all, it's satisfying to feel like I'm actually in better shape than I have been in at least a decade.
I realize that dieting, weight loss, etc. can be emotionally fraught for many people. So this may not be the right thing for everyone. But it's been great for me.
posted by Artifice_Eternity at 4:04 PM on June 20, 2022
Response by poster: Oh man, I just wanted to say, this has all been wonderful. I can't even pick a "best answer." I had such a hard time in writing this question because I struggled with articulating the way my sense of the change is like, suuuuuper out of proportion to the objective number/level of changes, and all of you folks just picked right up what I was laying down.
I laughed out loud at the criminal inconsistency of JOWLS/NO JOWLS. How very dare they!
A long weekend's worth of pondering on all of these responses has definitely helped me clarify some of what's going on and why it's bothering me despite feeling like it shouldn't, and I have a lot to chew over yet.
For what it's worth, I think a big part of it is in fact due to coming out of lockdown. I just look super different than I looked even in 2020, and there's kind of an ambient narrative, right, about "coming out of lockdown looking fabulous!" or whatever. Which I do not. And so I've been feeling more self-conscious about the version of me that, for example, all of my partner's friends are meeting for the first time. I feel like I want to introduce myself like, "hi, I'm Blast! I promise I was hot when he started dating me, I don't really know what happened."
Which, obviously, is absurd, and I wouldn't, but I also wouldn't have put my finger on it without this thread, so thank you everyone! The plan for now is to take a little better care of myself, but also to accept that I'm not willing to give up my rock and roll lifestyle (lol) just to wear the same shorts I wore when I was 29.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:37 PM on June 20, 2022 [7 favorites]
I laughed out loud at the criminal inconsistency of JOWLS/NO JOWLS. How very dare they!
A long weekend's worth of pondering on all of these responses has definitely helped me clarify some of what's going on and why it's bothering me despite feeling like it shouldn't, and I have a lot to chew over yet.
For what it's worth, I think a big part of it is in fact due to coming out of lockdown. I just look super different than I looked even in 2020, and there's kind of an ambient narrative, right, about "coming out of lockdown looking fabulous!" or whatever. Which I do not. And so I've been feeling more self-conscious about the version of me that, for example, all of my partner's friends are meeting for the first time. I feel like I want to introduce myself like, "hi, I'm Blast! I promise I was hot when he started dating me, I don't really know what happened."
Which, obviously, is absurd, and I wouldn't, but I also wouldn't have put my finger on it without this thread, so thank you everyone! The plan for now is to take a little better care of myself, but also to accept that I'm not willing to give up my rock and roll lifestyle (lol) just to wear the same shorts I wore when I was 29.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:37 PM on June 20, 2022 [7 favorites]
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So probably, anything you can do to get better, more effective sleep more consistently is going to be a good step for you. I’ve learned that when I eat and sometimes what I eat very much impacts the roulette wheel of “will I sleep and when?” I have going on, so my plan is to get increasingly intentional about the timing and content of my meals over the next few years, when I can. I’m not gonna like, switch to a legume-only diet, but for me it seems like the hormones for hunger and satiation are really tied to the hormones for feeling sleepy vs alert. Perhaps for you this will look like shifting the times you drink to earlier in the afternoon, or spreading your more indulgent meals out so you don’t get clusters of really rich foods on weekends with kale in between. Shifting your personal extremes bit by bit more towards center so your body isn’t ever trying to recover from something.
I would love a perimenopodcast, for the record. I’m early but it seems like I’m embarking on that particular journey already and from what I can tell the amount of concrete knowledge and awareness we have about perimenopause amounts to fuck all.
posted by Mizu at 2:34 PM on June 17, 2022 [8 favorites]