Do I cancel this party

June 14, 2022 1:15 PM

I am hosting a party that I may need to cancel. I need to figure out if I should or not.

I am planning on hosting a pride party (!) this Sunday. But honestly, the past two weeks have been incredibly stressful for me on both work and personal fronts. I am mentally and emotionally drained.

I'm wondering if I should cancel this party? It's Tuesday so I think I have leeway. It's a shame as this happened with my holiday party too, so it's a pattern. I guess it would be nice to see friends for pride too (otherwise I wouldn't celebrate)? But already feeling overwhelmed by the planning element.

posted by pando11 to Human Relations (22 answers total)

You do you.

However, who knows — maybe the party will be a nice distraction, and you'll get swept up in the fun of it all, and forget your troubles.

Maybe you could ask a close and trusted friend to help with the planning, food, etc., to take the pressure off of you? Kind of give this person a "blank check" to do whatever (within reason). That way, you can enjoy the party, but not actually have to plan anything.

Then again, you have every right to cancel if you want to. You've gotta do what's best for yourself :)
posted by dubious_dude at 1:20 PM on June 14, 2022 [11 favorites]

Do you have any energetic friends you could ask to help you with the planning and day-of responsibilities? Because the answer is: of course you can cancel it! But...since you mention it's because you're lacking energy, and you've cancelled another party recently, I'm wondering if you're also looking for a way to make it happen that doesn't seem overwhelming. (I say this as someone with lots of experience wanting to cancel things I've committed to!)

But yeah, the world will not end if you cancel it. How your friends will react depends on them, how long they've known you, your relationship with them, etc. If you happen to be in a position where you're actively trying to forge long-term friendships, I'd tend toward not cancelling if possible, because consistency is key in friendship-building. If these are die-hard, life-long friends already, they will forgive you and be your friends anyway.
posted by nosila at 1:20 PM on June 14, 2022 [4 favorites]

Is it possible to farm out any aspects of party planning/prepping to other friends?
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:20 PM on June 14, 2022 [5 favorites]

Is it possible to postpone rather than cancel?
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:20 PM on June 14, 2022

Can you talk this over with some of the potential guests that you're closer with? Let them know what's up, see if you can come to some solution that lets you feel comfortable with having the party go on and getting help with it, or perhaps postponing by a week or two?
posted by bile and syntax at 1:23 PM on June 14, 2022 [1 favorite]

Or could you shift to a simpler plan, like everyone bring some food and meet in the park? You could still gather with friends but don't have to plan a party and could even leave early if you're overwhelmed.
posted by tangosnail at 1:23 PM on June 14, 2022 [20 favorites]

Would it be possible to still hold the party and just plan less? Like, if you're stressed about cleaning your place and figuring out food to serve, could you just reserve a party room at a restaurant instead? Could people meet up at your place and then go out bar/club-hopping? It sounds like you don't want to cancel; you just don't want to be responsible. So figure out if there's a way to do it with less planning.
posted by kevinbelt at 1:23 PM on June 14, 2022 [3 favorites]

I am sorry things have been so challenging and that you are so drained. I do not know whether or not you should cancel this party, but if you do end up cancelling this party and many of the same invited guests also experienced your last cancellation, then I would strongly suggest that you do not schedule another party unless and until you are quite certain you will be up for following-through with it. I hope you are able to feel less drained!
posted by TurkishGolds at 1:31 PM on June 14, 2022 [10 favorites]

I think Sunday is far enough away that you can cancel without worry if that's how you want to do things. If we're talking about just friends coming then maybe you could see if they'd still want to come to the party if it was scaled back so that there isn't so much planning. I'd be more than happy just to hang out with a bunch of friends doing "nothing".
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 1:35 PM on June 14, 2022 [3 favorites]

+1 is there a simpler plan you can still do? If you're feeling overwhelmed by planning multiple times, maybe your party plans are just too idealistic and you can scale back to, idk, cake and canned drinks in the yard with a sprinkler (or indoors with a queer movie on in the background? Make cupcakes from a box and frost?), your friends will vary but they are your friends and want to hang out. If you can summon the will to buy some rainbow stuff, you can probably have a fun time decorating with whoever shows up first vs. trying to have everything ready ahead of time. Just scale way, way back.
posted by momus_window at 1:47 PM on June 14, 2022 [1 favorite]

Best answer: If this were me, I would not cancel the party. If this were me having the feelings of dread, exhaustion, and overwhelm you mention, I would know that those feelings were a byproduct of my anxiety about the party, because that’s how my brain works.

A familiar pattern for me is: I plan to participate in a social event, social event draws near, I start to think about how much work it is to participate in social event, I want to back out or cancel, I don’t, and then I end up having a great time and being really glad I went through with it.

In your shoes, given your exhaustion, I would dial my prep back as much as possible. So, I would plan for no decorations, plan to order in food or buy something prepared, ask everyone to BYOB (and maybe have a case or two of pop or juice around as backup), plan to use disposable plates and cups (sorry to the environment), just pull up a pre made playlist on my phone for entertainment. If anyone asks if they can bring anything or do anything, say yes!

If you’re anything like me, you’ll be very happy you went through with this party.
posted by rodneyaug at 1:53 PM on June 14, 2022 [39 favorites]

Would you attend a party Sunday if it was somewhere else and someone else was organizing? If so maybe consider some of the options in this thread about asking for help/adjusting the scope. If no, cancel. Heck, just cancel anyway. Life is too short to be unhappy and stressed about doing something supposedly fun.
posted by Secretariat at 1:58 PM on June 14, 2022 [2 favorites]

Yeah, with several days' notice I don't think it would be rude to cancel. However, it's often the case that anxiety makes you not want to go do something that you would actually end up enjoying. It's worth considering whether that might be the case with you.
posted by praemunire at 2:10 PM on June 14, 2022 [2 favorites]

how do you think you will feel about this party while it's happening? Will you be glad you threw it?

In your position, I'd say, if you won't enjoy the party, don't throw it. these things are meant to be fun.

I know my brain does a totally dumb thing where it's like "don't do this fun thing, you are tired and grumpy and don't have the energy" and that potato impulse wins a lot of the time, but when the potato impulse doesn't win I am generally glad I am doing the fun thing. I say this not to wave away your reluctance but just to point out that potato feeling in me is exceptionally strong even though I have lots of rational evidence that it's bullshit and I hope that comes across as empathy.
posted by Sauce Trough at 2:31 PM on June 14, 2022 [2 favorites]

I'd keep it simple and fun, and ask for help, but I would not cancel two parties in a row and expect friends to ever attend another party I planned on hosting. Good luck and Happy Pride!
posted by cyndigo at 2:37 PM on June 14, 2022 [6 favorites]

Simplify, simplify, simlify. Yeah, since you've already canceled one party, that doesn't help your case here. I think you should do what you can to have a chill party. Do you have a trusted friend that you can run some of this by? Someone who will help you rationalize the 'must do's of the party and separate out the 'want to do's? Just focus on the must-do's and let everything else fall where it may. Your friends want to come to the party not to criticize your house-keeping or decorating skills - they want to see you and each other.

If all else fails, you could even send a note: "Hey, change of plans - let's meet at XYZ park. BYOB, and a side dish. I'll bring a bunch of fried chicken (or pizzas). Bring a blanket or frisbee, and let's have a nice afternoon hanging out in the sunshine." Then you can let the cards fall where they may. So much less stress, and you still get to hang with your friends.
posted by hydra77 at 2:43 PM on June 14, 2022

There is a cost to our friendships, as well as a cost to our personal integrity, when we break our commitments. We tend to ignore those costs by telling ourselves, "my friends will understand" and "this is self-care". Sometimes that's true! Sometimes it's worth paying those costs because we really are at the end of our rope.

Does this seem to you like one of those times? Or is this just your anxiety making too much noise?

Either answer is okay and allowed. Neither answer is bad or shameful. The important thing is to be honest so you can actually do something about it.

If you are genuinely overwhelmed beyond the point of being able to keep your commitment, what can you do to actually take care of yourself (not just cancelling the party)? What is the restorative thing you are planning to do to help yourself reset? (e.g. take a long nature walk, take yourself to a museum, carve out an hour to journal and a few hours to read a book, set aside the whole evening to play in your garden.) And how can you make sure you don't overload yourself to this point again where you are forced to break commitments to your friends? (What signs can you notice early on, how many hours of work do you need to limit yourself to, what helps you reset in an emergency, etc.) Part of taking your friendships and your personal integrity seriously is managing your workload in a way that lets you keep your commitments. Your tiredness and your burnout is not the good excuse that you believe it is. You're not off the hook. You need to take responsibility for actually managing your energy better so that you can keep your commitments.

If you are experiencing anxiety-related avoidance (how can you tell? -- you know that if you cancel, you're just going to spend that evening doing numbing activities like pointless internet surfing, with no real feeling of being restored afterwards but rather just a depressed exhaustion from wasting your time) then give yourself a hug, call your friend, and ask for their help in making this party happen. To defeat anxiety, all we need is a friendly collaborator, or even just a person willing to help you out by body doubling. Use some of the ideas on this thread to make your plan simpler, too, these suggestions are great. At the end of the evening, stop for a moment and notice how you feel. I'll bet real money that you feel energized and happy and much better than you currently expect to feel.

Ever since I was a teenager, I have always hosted a lot of small gatherings at home ... and there has never been an occasion when I don't have this weird avoidance anxiety panic a few days (or hours!) prior to my commitment. (The only way I have ever been able to avoid that panic is to make a last minute, spontaneous party plan where the idea and the party prep work happen basically in consecutive breaths, leaving me no time inbetween to *think* about the work and start dreading it.) Back in the day, I would quite casually cancel plans with friends - sometimes lying that I was sick, sometimes honestly pleading tiredness. But a few years ago I sort of had a dawning realization that being a flake about plans = being a jerk to my friends. Worse, I was being a jerk to my friends for no reason because never did I use my extra time from cancelling plans to actually do things to restore my energy. Long story short, it is 100% not a coincidence that the years during which I have taken commitments to friends extremely seriously are the very same years during which my friendships have flourished and grown into mature, supportive, deep relationships.
posted by MiraK at 3:19 PM on June 14, 2022 [15 favorites]

don't cancel another party. at this point it isn't about whether you will enjoy it; it is about not doing a thing which will alter your friends' perception of you into someone they should not make plans with. Once was a fluke, twice is a pattern.

Just make it very easy and casual. For example, ice cream sundae bar. Or potluck. Or "everyone bring a snack food you haven't tried before." Or a "wine tasting" where you give them a broad category and everyone brings a bottle whose label they've covered with a taped on piece of paper, and folks write down tasting impressions on a piece of paper (good for getting conversation going, funny when it's cheap wine.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:13 PM on June 14, 2022 [10 favorites]

I really, really enjoy having people over. I enjoy cooking for other people, and I'm known pretty well for it in a couple circles. It's something I'm kind of good at, and the last two years have been intensely frustrating, obviously, for larger reasons, but it's hit me pretty hard that I haven't been able to do many get togethers.

I've never put on a single one of these get togethers without being hit by an overwhelming sense of dread, of a literal inability to push myself to get things done until it becomes a significant problem and I have to rush everything (when I posted an ask about it years back, someone mentioned that it sounded like Leaden Paralysis, a symptom of depression).

I haven't cancelled an event because of this dread yet, mostly because I know that doing so would only make how I'm feeling worse, and I fear that more than pushing forward and getting things done. More than that, I know that I have managed, once things get going, found ways to relax and have a good time.

As has been mentioned a bunch, having a helper or two can be a huge thing. I'd reach out directly to one or two people you know you can trust to help, rather than broadcasting a request for help (it's entirely possible you'll get a lot of positive replies and then no real help that way), BUT, and this is a big deal, you need to talk with them. They need to know what you would like them to do, and you need to let them do it. If you don't tell them, they'll just stand around feeling sort of useless, and the temptation to take on all of the tasks will pop up, and make things as bad as you're worried about. Have a conversation with your helpers, divvy up tasks, and whenever someone asks if they can help, let them know exactly what it is they can do so you aren't tripping over them.

You can manage your anxiety over the party a bit by having plans like this. The dread aspect, I don't know. I usually take solace in the fact that the absolute worst thing that could happen almost never does, and even in the event of a disaster, everyone is still hanging out and having a good time, and will almost certainly roll with whatever comes along.

I won't say don't worry, because I know, in these cases, that I can't, but I also know that in the end, I still have a good time, and guests have a good time, and all the good stuff that comes along with it.
posted by Ghidorah at 2:20 AM on June 15, 2022 [2 favorites]

If you’ve already cancelled a different party, you can’t cancel this unless you want to be “the person who always cancels their parties.” This will have an impact on enthusiasm and commitment for any future parties you may want to have.

If you really do need to cancel, do it now. As in right now. It’s already late to cancel a party. The only acceptable excuse for canceling a party last minute is an unforeseen medical emergency and/or death.
posted by slkinsey at 6:31 AM on June 15, 2022

You can cancel if you send the notes today. But might be worth thinking about whether you enjoy hosting parties? I don't, really, so I stick to having people over for dinner or whatever in smaller, more informal groups. This doesn't stress me out whereas hosting a larger gathering really does. You can be a person who enjoys socializing but doesn't enjoy the challenge of hosting a large party. I don't think you need to overly pathologize being tired and not up for throwing a party, but since this has happened twice I do think it's worth figuring out what kind of host you enjoy being for your own comfort in the future.
posted by superfluousm at 8:47 AM on June 15, 2022

You can do this! If you need help figuring out really easy food + drinks let me know - I'm kind of the "last minute party whisperer" for various kid and adult events. IN CASE that helps (if not ignore - cancelling a party doesn't make you a bad person but from your best answer I'm guessing you're going ahead) here's a few ideas:

Rainbow veggie platter (can lay it out on a cutting board) as follows:
Box(es) of red cherry tomatoes
Bag(s) of orange baby carrots
Yellow pepper strips IF you have bandwidth to cut them
Bag(s) of pre-cut broccoli OR snow peas or both
Pitted black olives, drained
Pickled beet slices, drained

Get a fruit tray, they are pretty rainbow-y

Rainbow cracker platter:
Rice or other white coloured crackers
Any selection of beige-to-brown crackers
Cheese crackers, the brighter the better (goldfish work)
Beet crackers
Roast seaweed or if you can find the Mary's organic super seed crackers they are really dark

(Honestly I'd just cruise the cracker/chip aisle but you get the idea.)

Rainbow of dips/spreads
Hummus
Beet or Red Pepper Hummus
Avocado or Edamame Hummus or guacamole
Blueberry cream cheese
Ranch Dressing

Order pizza :) Or if you need other ideas hit me up.

Grab a bunch of different coloured cupcakes and rainbow sprinkles

I did this menu with about 2 hrs' notice when one of our AFAB friends came out as non-binary and it was well received.
posted by warriorqueen at 9:20 AM on June 15, 2022 [1 favorite]