Who's controlling who?
June 11, 2022 2:28 AM Subscribe
My live-in boyfriend interprets some requests I make to coordinate practical life things as me trying to control him. How can I address this productively with him?
Last night, my boyfriend (39M) and I (38F), together 3 years, had a disagreement because he wanted to invite a friend over last minute. That friend had spent a couple hours at our house spontaneously in the early evening during which they had a few beers and hung out. They also discussed wanting to make plans to have a longer hang soon, with the friend implying maybe they should just do it tonight. That said, he did end up leaving around 6pm and it was assumed they would do that another day. For reference, this was only the second time I had met this friend, and the first time was in passing, so I've collectively known him personally for about 2 hours. I also did not have any problem with the friend visiting, nor did I ask that he leave when he did. I chatted with them a bit while he was there which was pleasant, and he left of his own accord.
After he left, bf makes dinner and we're having a nice evening together. Then at nearly 8:30pm (for reference, we usually go to bed around 9pm because we like our sleep) he decides - key word decides, doesn't discuss with me - that he wants to have his friend come back over and invites him via text. He also mentioned letting him crash on our couch. I did not want this for reasons - mainly it was getting late and I didn't want a guest in our house all night or in my space in the morning, especially a man I barely knew. My bf got extremely mad at me and kept insisting I was being unreasonable, saying we didn't have other plans and I'd be asleep anyway. When I tried to explain that I simply wasn't comfortable having guests sprung on me overnight last minute, he continued to imply I was being a controlling jerk and proceeded to give me the silent treatment for the rest of the night. No talking, no eye contact, nothing. Total stonewalling.
Suffice to say, I'm angry and hurt. This isn't the first time something of this nature has happened. Truly, our relationship is like 90% great, but this sort of issue where I'm painted as an evil controlling witch for not wanting to suddenly have people over with no notice comes up every couple of months. It's usually when he's stressed in some way, often from work, and wants to blow off steam. I get that and by all means I would like him to release his pressure valve, but it's like he goes out of his way to do it in an inconsiderate way to prove his independence and freedom from all authority and responsibilities to himself. Honestly, if he had simply did a temp check with me and said he could use some friend time, I'd have probably agreed to it, but he was so dismissive of my feelings and belittling of my desire for comfort in my home that it became a fight out the gate instead of a discussion.
I'll also add that I live in his home. He is the sole name on the mortgage and I essentially pay him monthly rent. I'm fine with this, it's a great arrangement for both of us financially. We also talk about marriage down the line, buying a home together eventually, all that jazz, but he isn't ready to take that step, which again, totally fine, no pressure from me, but these moments seem to be some sort of outburst related to that too, like he wants to feel fundamentally free for a minute and I'm part of the reason he doesn't. Problem is, I live here, and I don't appreciate suddenly being treated like I'm invading his space because he's having a bad day.
Genuinely I don't believe the problem is our relationship. I'm confident that he wants to be with me and live together. He doesn't actually want me to move out, but when he does this crap I don't want to live here. Hell, at this point, if he asked me about marriage for real I would not be able to say yes without addressing this cycle. It feels bad to be treated like I'm not an equal in our house, and while we always come out the other side of this with him apologizing, I don't want to end up in this fight anymore, and I definitely can't marry someone who has some deep rooted resistance to partnership. I've tried discussing general loose agreements about these topics but again, he's resistant to discussing things proactively because compromise is perceived as control when he's in this state. I want him to feel comfortable and use his home as he pleases, but I also want to feel considered and comfortable too. Any tips on how I can discuss the meat of this issue effectively?
Last night, my boyfriend (39M) and I (38F), together 3 years, had a disagreement because he wanted to invite a friend over last minute. That friend had spent a couple hours at our house spontaneously in the early evening during which they had a few beers and hung out. They also discussed wanting to make plans to have a longer hang soon, with the friend implying maybe they should just do it tonight. That said, he did end up leaving around 6pm and it was assumed they would do that another day. For reference, this was only the second time I had met this friend, and the first time was in passing, so I've collectively known him personally for about 2 hours. I also did not have any problem with the friend visiting, nor did I ask that he leave when he did. I chatted with them a bit while he was there which was pleasant, and he left of his own accord.
After he left, bf makes dinner and we're having a nice evening together. Then at nearly 8:30pm (for reference, we usually go to bed around 9pm because we like our sleep) he decides - key word decides, doesn't discuss with me - that he wants to have his friend come back over and invites him via text. He also mentioned letting him crash on our couch. I did not want this for reasons - mainly it was getting late and I didn't want a guest in our house all night or in my space in the morning, especially a man I barely knew. My bf got extremely mad at me and kept insisting I was being unreasonable, saying we didn't have other plans and I'd be asleep anyway. When I tried to explain that I simply wasn't comfortable having guests sprung on me overnight last minute, he continued to imply I was being a controlling jerk and proceeded to give me the silent treatment for the rest of the night. No talking, no eye contact, nothing. Total stonewalling.
Suffice to say, I'm angry and hurt. This isn't the first time something of this nature has happened. Truly, our relationship is like 90% great, but this sort of issue where I'm painted as an evil controlling witch for not wanting to suddenly have people over with no notice comes up every couple of months. It's usually when he's stressed in some way, often from work, and wants to blow off steam. I get that and by all means I would like him to release his pressure valve, but it's like he goes out of his way to do it in an inconsiderate way to prove his independence and freedom from all authority and responsibilities to himself. Honestly, if he had simply did a temp check with me and said he could use some friend time, I'd have probably agreed to it, but he was so dismissive of my feelings and belittling of my desire for comfort in my home that it became a fight out the gate instead of a discussion.
I'll also add that I live in his home. He is the sole name on the mortgage and I essentially pay him monthly rent. I'm fine with this, it's a great arrangement for both of us financially. We also talk about marriage down the line, buying a home together eventually, all that jazz, but he isn't ready to take that step, which again, totally fine, no pressure from me, but these moments seem to be some sort of outburst related to that too, like he wants to feel fundamentally free for a minute and I'm part of the reason he doesn't. Problem is, I live here, and I don't appreciate suddenly being treated like I'm invading his space because he's having a bad day.
Genuinely I don't believe the problem is our relationship. I'm confident that he wants to be with me and live together. He doesn't actually want me to move out, but when he does this crap I don't want to live here. Hell, at this point, if he asked me about marriage for real I would not be able to say yes without addressing this cycle. It feels bad to be treated like I'm not an equal in our house, and while we always come out the other side of this with him apologizing, I don't want to end up in this fight anymore, and I definitely can't marry someone who has some deep rooted resistance to partnership. I've tried discussing general loose agreements about these topics but again, he's resistant to discussing things proactively because compromise is perceived as control when he's in this state. I want him to feel comfortable and use his home as he pleases, but I also want to feel considered and comfortable too. Any tips on how I can discuss the meat of this issue effectively?
The way you’ve described the situation does come across as a bit controlling to me. I am confused about your resistance to having the friend over. If the reasons you gave your boyfriend are the same reasons you gave here, I can see why he got upset:
- “it was getting late” - you had no other plans and no one was asking you to stay up late; you were free to go to bed
- “I didn't want a guest in our house all night or in my space in the morning” - ok, but why? Because this is too vague a reason. It’s not fair to your BF if you can’t articulate more precisely what bothers you about having a guest over.
- “especially a man I barely knew” - this could read to your BF like you don’t trust his judgment. I understand you only met the friend once, but presumably your BF has known him for sometime? Do you have any reason to feel suspicious/unsafe around this person?
As far as I can see, the only place your BF screwed up is just making the plans without discussing them with you. I agree that should have been a discussion, not just a pronouncement. However…ask yourself if it would’ve been a quick and easy discussion? Would you have been agreeable, kissed your boyfriend goodnight and gone up to bed? If not, why? Honestly if you don’t have a good reason, you do sound a bit unreasonable. I suspect there is more underneath this that you either haven’t told us or haven’t explored (eg you were hoping to have sex that night and were disappointed/hurt that your BF didn’t read your signals, or you had errands/chores you needed to do in the morning and were irritated that your BF didn’t think of that, etc). I would dig deeper into your resistance, and explore the root issues that are causing the friction.
posted by yawper at 4:45 AM on June 11, 2022 [9 favorites]
- “it was getting late” - you had no other plans and no one was asking you to stay up late; you were free to go to bed
- “I didn't want a guest in our house all night or in my space in the morning” - ok, but why? Because this is too vague a reason. It’s not fair to your BF if you can’t articulate more precisely what bothers you about having a guest over.
- “especially a man I barely knew” - this could read to your BF like you don’t trust his judgment. I understand you only met the friend once, but presumably your BF has known him for sometime? Do you have any reason to feel suspicious/unsafe around this person?
As far as I can see, the only place your BF screwed up is just making the plans without discussing them with you. I agree that should have been a discussion, not just a pronouncement. However…ask yourself if it would’ve been a quick and easy discussion? Would you have been agreeable, kissed your boyfriend goodnight and gone up to bed? If not, why? Honestly if you don’t have a good reason, you do sound a bit unreasonable. I suspect there is more underneath this that you either haven’t told us or haven’t explored (eg you were hoping to have sex that night and were disappointed/hurt that your BF didn’t read your signals, or you had errands/chores you needed to do in the morning and were irritated that your BF didn’t think of that, etc). I would dig deeper into your resistance, and explore the root issues that are causing the friction.
posted by yawper at 4:45 AM on June 11, 2022 [9 favorites]
Best answer: I don't think you were being unreasonable at all. I, too, would not enjoy having "strange man who will stay up with him all night and then sleep on our sofa when I thought we were about to go to bed" sprung on me, even though I'm the one who goes to sleep at 9 and my spouse stays up much later. We have a guest room, and I still sometimes feel really awkward waking up in the morning and interacting with a stranger when I'm making my tea.
I agree with hungrytiger that this is a conversation you need to have outside of the moment when it has just happened. You need to have a time to calmly talk together about expectations for planning house guest visits and about why this particular thing is so triggering for him and also something that matters to you.
It sounds like you're also concerned about the power imbalance of him owning the home you share, and I think that's also something worth talking about--does he think this is a home the two of you share, or does he think it is his home that you live in so he should have more say than you about house guests?
posted by hydropsyche at 5:08 AM on June 11, 2022 [57 favorites]
I agree with hungrytiger that this is a conversation you need to have outside of the moment when it has just happened. You need to have a time to calmly talk together about expectations for planning house guest visits and about why this particular thing is so triggering for him and also something that matters to you.
It sounds like you're also concerned about the power imbalance of him owning the home you share, and I think that's also something worth talking about--does he think this is a home the two of you share, or does he think it is his home that you live in so he should have more say than you about house guests?
posted by hydropsyche at 5:08 AM on June 11, 2022 [57 favorites]
Best answer: I think you're reasonable to not want surprise guests (or any guests, if that's what you want) AND your boyfriend is reasonable to want to invite people over with little/no notice. Which is to say both of your wants are reasonable, and neither of you are wrong, and if you want to live together you're going to have to find a way that both of you can get at least some of what you want.
(That said, it also sounds like you have some communication issues.)
I think you need to sit down and talk this out at a time when there's no specific guest in mind and neither of you are upset about it. There are lots of ways you could compromise on this, stuff like -
- he has to give you at least 48 hours notice and it has to be someone you've met before
- his first "surprise" guest every year/quarter/month (whatever is tolerable) is a freebie, and after that you get no-questions-asked veto power
- surprise guests are OK on weekends when you don't have other plans but your partner has to take them out for breakfast and then they don't come back to the house
- you get the idea - brainstorm!
You (and he) need to think about what your ideal situation would be (maybe for you it's "no overnight guests in the house ever" and for him it's "friends can stay over any time I want," in which case you would have a long way to go), and also about what an acceptable compromise would look like. Maybe there is something you guys can agree on that's like 90% OK for both of you.
I think probably some of this is tied up in it being "his" house - do you feel like *you* could have a surprise overnight guest stay? (I mean maybe you wouldn't want to.) Do you feel like there are other things you can't do in your home because it's "really" your boyfriend's home?
FWIW I have seen that this kind of arrangement where one partner owns the home and the other pays rent or expenses can be really corrosive to the relationship for a lot of reasons (my mom has solely owned the home she and her partner have lived in for 20+ years and it's STILL a thing for them).
posted by mskyle at 5:09 AM on June 11, 2022 [33 favorites]
(That said, it also sounds like you have some communication issues.)
I think you need to sit down and talk this out at a time when there's no specific guest in mind and neither of you are upset about it. There are lots of ways you could compromise on this, stuff like -
- he has to give you at least 48 hours notice and it has to be someone you've met before
- his first "surprise" guest every year/quarter/month (whatever is tolerable) is a freebie, and after that you get no-questions-asked veto power
- surprise guests are OK on weekends when you don't have other plans but your partner has to take them out for breakfast and then they don't come back to the house
- you get the idea - brainstorm!
You (and he) need to think about what your ideal situation would be (maybe for you it's "no overnight guests in the house ever" and for him it's "friends can stay over any time I want," in which case you would have a long way to go), and also about what an acceptable compromise would look like. Maybe there is something you guys can agree on that's like 90% OK for both of you.
I think probably some of this is tied up in it being "his" house - do you feel like *you* could have a surprise overnight guest stay? (I mean maybe you wouldn't want to.) Do you feel like there are other things you can't do in your home because it's "really" your boyfriend's home?
FWIW I have seen that this kind of arrangement where one partner owns the home and the other pays rent or expenses can be really corrosive to the relationship for a lot of reasons (my mom has solely owned the home she and her partner have lived in for 20+ years and it's STILL a thing for them).
posted by mskyle at 5:09 AM on June 11, 2022 [33 favorites]
You are paying rent; you've been living here for a while and plan to continue to; ergo it's your shared home and it's an entirely reasonable expectation that inviations to a shared home are a shared decision. A certain need to coordinate plans is central to any sort of relationship deep enough to involve building a life together. If your guy wants to remain completely free and independent, he needs to be single. If he thinks even now, at his ripe old age, that he can have his cake and eat it, he's being immature.
But are going to leave him for that? Probably not, if things are otherwise going well, as you indicate. Maybe I wouldn't either. So maybe this is a conflict worth escalating - have a big state-of-the relationship talk about these conflicting desires for intimay/connection and independence and how he's planning to make his peace with that. How independent does he imagine he'll be once there are kids? Are kids really in the card at all, given his priority on freedom? He doesn't have to decide on the spot, but he needs to know that you need to know rather sooner than later.
Maybe he will find the entire debate exhausting. You don't owe him low-maintenance. Maybe he'll feel pressured. Maybe he decides to end it over this. He might be doing you a favour.
But I think that's fairly unlikely. He probably won't leave you just for thinking you can be a bit controlling, just as you probably won't leave him for thinking he's a bit immature. For better or worse. He needs to be prepared for you to occasionally veto his guests, and I guess you need to be prepared for him acting sullen about it. It's still probably good to have the conversation so that everyone can adjust expectations and decide if the pros of the relationshop outweigh the cons - which they likely will. A clear-eyed trade-off is something one can work with.
posted by sohalt at 5:24 AM on June 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
But are going to leave him for that? Probably not, if things are otherwise going well, as you indicate. Maybe I wouldn't either. So maybe this is a conflict worth escalating - have a big state-of-the relationship talk about these conflicting desires for intimay/connection and independence and how he's planning to make his peace with that. How independent does he imagine he'll be once there are kids? Are kids really in the card at all, given his priority on freedom? He doesn't have to decide on the spot, but he needs to know that you need to know rather sooner than later.
Maybe he will find the entire debate exhausting. You don't owe him low-maintenance. Maybe he'll feel pressured. Maybe he decides to end it over this. He might be doing you a favour.
But I think that's fairly unlikely. He probably won't leave you just for thinking you can be a bit controlling, just as you probably won't leave him for thinking he's a bit immature. For better or worse. He needs to be prepared for you to occasionally veto his guests, and I guess you need to be prepared for him acting sullen about it. It's still probably good to have the conversation so that everyone can adjust expectations and decide if the pros of the relationshop outweigh the cons - which they likely will. A clear-eyed trade-off is something one can work with.
posted by sohalt at 5:24 AM on June 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
When I took a marriage prep class one of the very first "issues" we had to work through was "How do you see your ideal weekend at home" and one of the questions had something like:
"My friends and family can drop by any time of day or night"
"I want my house to be party central"
"We will visit family and friends every weekend and not be at home a lot"
"A quiet weekend at home is my preference"
"I don't like people over"
That one question plus some introvert/extrovert things plus having to make a budget probably contributed to the length of my marriage thus far.
I think you guys need to sit down and work through some things. I don't think his view of guests is wrong and I don't think yours is.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:43 AM on June 11, 2022 [23 favorites]
"My friends and family can drop by any time of day or night"
"I want my house to be party central"
"We will visit family and friends every weekend and not be at home a lot"
"A quiet weekend at home is my preference"
"I don't like people over"
That one question plus some introvert/extrovert things plus having to make a budget probably contributed to the length of my marriage thus far.
I think you guys need to sit down and work through some things. I don't think his view of guests is wrong and I don't think yours is.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:43 AM on June 11, 2022 [23 favorites]
> probably some of this is tied up in it being "his" house
Yes. Some unspoken power / ownership thing going on is my bet.
posted by rd45 at 5:45 AM on June 11, 2022 [6 favorites]
Yes. Some unspoken power / ownership thing going on is my bet.
posted by rd45 at 5:45 AM on June 11, 2022 [6 favorites]
Some people simply don’t like others in their space. At the same time some people love having people over, including over night, even if they don’t have a guest room.
If people with such different outlook live together they have to sit down and figure out how they can both live happily in their shared home.
So how much notice do you need? Are there exceptions where no notice is ok?
How frequently do you want to have guests?
How much ‘hosting’ do these guests get and who does the ‘hosting’?
If you go to bed at 9pm chances are you’re up early as well. Can you wake person on couch by using your blender at 5.30am to make your morning smoothie (the way you do every morning)?
Do you have to figure out what to feed this person or will your partner always take them out for breakfast by x am and they won’t come back to the house.
etc.
posted by koahiatamadl at 6:21 AM on June 11, 2022 [4 favorites]
If people with such different outlook live together they have to sit down and figure out how they can both live happily in their shared home.
So how much notice do you need? Are there exceptions where no notice is ok?
How frequently do you want to have guests?
How much ‘hosting’ do these guests get and who does the ‘hosting’?
If you go to bed at 9pm chances are you’re up early as well. Can you wake person on couch by using your blender at 5.30am to make your morning smoothie (the way you do every morning)?
Do you have to figure out what to feed this person or will your partner always take them out for breakfast by x am and they won’t come back to the house.
etc.
posted by koahiatamadl at 6:21 AM on June 11, 2022 [4 favorites]
Best answer: The person making unilateral decisions without discussing them with their partner is the one being "controlling."
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:27 AM on June 11, 2022 [61 favorites]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:27 AM on June 11, 2022 [61 favorites]
Since it sounds like he usually comes around and apologizes at the end, that is probably a good time (or close to a good time) to address the issue. It might be a good time to clarify, what he is apologizing for? Is he sorry for not checking in with you? Is he sorry for stonewalling you? Is he sorry that he isn't treating you like an equal household member? Is he sorry that he didn't take your feelings/emotions about a topic seriously? It could be that there is something about living situation requests that is a particular hot spot for him, but it is worth thinking about if there are other areas where it doesn't seem like he accommodates you.
There will ALWAYS be times when one of you feels deeply about a thing that the other person doesn't quite get. For instance, I HAAAATE spiders and bugs, and it's not like my husband likes umm removing them, but he hates it way less than me. My husband HAAATES talking about finances before his first cup of coffee in the mornings, even though it just seems to be a convenient time to review one's bank accounts for me.
Is it completely fine for each of us to have Strong Feelings about a topic that the other does not have Strong Feelings about? Totally. However, the key is that we extend each other the grace to accommodate the other's Strong Feelings when one is just inconvenienced. My husband knows he is on bug/spider removal duty. I know to withhold my questions about finances until later in the morning. Are these both compromises? Yes. But they are ones where one partner only has a somewhat small decrease in utility, while providing the other a ton of utility.
One of the ways that my husband and I have found a way to express our opinions about a topic is with the "delegates" method. We each have 10 delegates, and they will vote for a topic. If there's a topic that affects both of us, one of us will ask "Delegates?" E.g., should we go to the mall today? I might say, 5 delegates for going, 5 indifferent. But, he might say, 8 delegates for not going, 2 indifferent. In which case, I would probably in this case, just lean towards not going today given his strong feelings against.
You could try establishing this "delegates" method w/ your boyfriend on less trying topics -- where should we eat? should we buy this table or that table? should we see X move or go to the park? And so, when more hot button topics come up, you can use the same approach, and this at least opens up dialogue.
posted by ellerhodes at 7:29 AM on June 11, 2022 [8 favorites]
There will ALWAYS be times when one of you feels deeply about a thing that the other person doesn't quite get. For instance, I HAAAATE spiders and bugs, and it's not like my husband likes umm removing them, but he hates it way less than me. My husband HAAATES talking about finances before his first cup of coffee in the mornings, even though it just seems to be a convenient time to review one's bank accounts for me.
Is it completely fine for each of us to have Strong Feelings about a topic that the other does not have Strong Feelings about? Totally. However, the key is that we extend each other the grace to accommodate the other's Strong Feelings when one is just inconvenienced. My husband knows he is on bug/spider removal duty. I know to withhold my questions about finances until later in the morning. Are these both compromises? Yes. But they are ones where one partner only has a somewhat small decrease in utility, while providing the other a ton of utility.
One of the ways that my husband and I have found a way to express our opinions about a topic is with the "delegates" method. We each have 10 delegates, and they will vote for a topic. If there's a topic that affects both of us, one of us will ask "Delegates?" E.g., should we go to the mall today? I might say, 5 delegates for going, 5 indifferent. But, he might say, 8 delegates for not going, 2 indifferent. In which case, I would probably in this case, just lean towards not going today given his strong feelings against.
You could try establishing this "delegates" method w/ your boyfriend on less trying topics -- where should we eat? should we buy this table or that table? should we see X move or go to the park? And so, when more hot button topics come up, you can use the same approach, and this at least opens up dialogue.
posted by ellerhodes at 7:29 AM on June 11, 2022 [8 favorites]
Agree that this is a home ownership/co-living question. If you are paying him rent, then you are his roommate, not his guest. Roommates get a say in who visits the house and when. He needs to respect that. If he wants to see someone last minute, and you aren't excited about it, he should go visit them, instead of inviting them over.
posted by agentofselection at 8:29 AM on June 11, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by agentofselection at 8:29 AM on June 11, 2022 [6 favorites]
Best answer: I think the issue of the friend's staying over is a red herring. I read it that the problem here is that he makes decisions unilaterally that affect both of you, instead of acknowledging ahead of time that you ought to have input into them.
This is a discussion that can reasonably be had with a reasonable person. (I know, it never feels like the right time, especially when things usually ARE harmonious, you don't want to bring it up, but then as soon as it comes up then it's not the right time either because then it becomes about the thing he just happened to do this time, rather than the unilateralism.)
So if I'm reading you right (and I could be totally projecting, because this "unilateral" thing has been an issue for my relationship too) my advice is Have The Talk. As soon as you're both calm. "Horatio, I need to explain something about last night that I don't think was clear. It's not just about Oswald staying over. It's that we have this pattern where you unilaterally make decisions that affect me, without consulting with me first. That makes me feel excluded and disrespected. I love you, I'm always on your team, and I'm usually going to find a way to make you happy, but I need you to ASK me and include me in the decision making, even if you can't think of a reason why I'd object. Don't just make decisions unilaterally and then notify me of what you've decided."
If he's still stuck on Oswald, you can tell him you'd probably have found a way to deal with Oswald if he'd ASKED you first and not sprung it on you.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:04 AM on June 11, 2022 [17 favorites]
This is a discussion that can reasonably be had with a reasonable person. (I know, it never feels like the right time, especially when things usually ARE harmonious, you don't want to bring it up, but then as soon as it comes up then it's not the right time either because then it becomes about the thing he just happened to do this time, rather than the unilateralism.)
So if I'm reading you right (and I could be totally projecting, because this "unilateral" thing has been an issue for my relationship too) my advice is Have The Talk. As soon as you're both calm. "Horatio, I need to explain something about last night that I don't think was clear. It's not just about Oswald staying over. It's that we have this pattern where you unilaterally make decisions that affect me, without consulting with me first. That makes me feel excluded and disrespected. I love you, I'm always on your team, and I'm usually going to find a way to make you happy, but I need you to ASK me and include me in the decision making, even if you can't think of a reason why I'd object. Don't just make decisions unilaterally and then notify me of what you've decided."
If he's still stuck on Oswald, you can tell him you'd probably have found a way to deal with Oswald if he'd ASKED you first and not sprung it on you.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:04 AM on June 11, 2022 [17 favorites]
Stonewalling is controlling behavior. It's fine to say "hey, I'm not ready to talk about this and I'll let you know when I am," but if it's just a sudden switch to silent treatment and ignoring you...that's not okay (and it's immature, imo). This all sounds like fertile ground for couples counseling! Folks above have hit on some key factors: power, independence. Do you feel less safe around men in your home, generally speaking? I do! Maybe you do too. Maybe not. Something to ponder.
posted by sugarbomb at 9:53 AM on June 11, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by sugarbomb at 9:53 AM on June 11, 2022 [3 favorites]
This is a situation where the urge to psychoanalyze is strong but it's doing a disservice to the communication problem at hand. You have a cycle in which a familiar situation arises and triggers hurt feelings from both sides.
Any tips on how I can discuss the meat of this issue effectively?
Allow a bit of time to pass so things have cooled off after this conflict. Bring it up as something you'd like to address since it's frequent enough to be a fmiliar problem that leaves you feeling a specific way (e.g. I don't know what to do about these fights we get in about people coming over with little notice. I feel like you're seeing me as a controlling witch, and since you own this house it makes me sensitive about whether I'm allowed to have a voice in these matters or if you feel like this is about your freedom from me. This isn't how I want to feel here and I'd like to figure out how we can understand and get past this. Do you have time to talk about this today?).
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 11:06 AM on June 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
Any tips on how I can discuss the meat of this issue effectively?
Allow a bit of time to pass so things have cooled off after this conflict. Bring it up as something you'd like to address since it's frequent enough to be a fmiliar problem that leaves you feeling a specific way (e.g. I don't know what to do about these fights we get in about people coming over with little notice. I feel like you're seeing me as a controlling witch, and since you own this house it makes me sensitive about whether I'm allowed to have a voice in these matters or if you feel like this is about your freedom from me. This isn't how I want to feel here and I'd like to figure out how we can understand and get past this. Do you have time to talk about this today?).
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 11:06 AM on June 11, 2022 [1 favorite]
Best answer: people are really going out of their way to try to find something you’re upset about that isn’t the thing you said you were upset about. if I had moved in with someone and he said Hey do you mind if I have my dumb friend you don’t know stay over tonight? I’ll make sure we’re quiet after you go to bed and he won’t be wandering around the bedroom/bathroom area when you’re getting up in the morning, I would say yes. I might say FINE but if I have to put earplugs in to fall asleep I will kill you later, but that is still a form of yes.
however, if he informed me that his dumb friend I don’t know was coming over and would be there all night while I slept, like it or not, and not because it was an emergency / he was homeless, but just because?—I would not waste my wild and precious brain cells on thinking up a way to explain to him that he was being a dick. I would give him up to one day to figure out that he needed to first apologize and then convince me he wasn’t going to do it again.
there are a million things like this, where you are basically guaranteed to say yes if someone asks, but absolutely fuck them to hell if they think it is fine to go ahead and do without asking. certain courtesies are required. some people will say that some people are incapable of knowing those courtesies without being told by a girlfriend, specifically. very well: you have told him. “I don’t mind people coming over, I mind not being consulted first” is not a complicated position to communicate, not a hard one to understand, and not one that should bother anyone who isn’t interested in controlling the space as a power play. the straightforward practice of the courtesy is no effort; it’s the meaning of the courtesy that makes him resist it. if I were you I would not try too hard to convince myself that there must be another, better explanation for why he does this.
posted by queenofbithynia at 12:16 PM on June 11, 2022 [37 favorites]
however, if he informed me that his dumb friend I don’t know was coming over and would be there all night while I slept, like it or not, and not because it was an emergency / he was homeless, but just because?—I would not waste my wild and precious brain cells on thinking up a way to explain to him that he was being a dick. I would give him up to one day to figure out that he needed to first apologize and then convince me he wasn’t going to do it again.
there are a million things like this, where you are basically guaranteed to say yes if someone asks, but absolutely fuck them to hell if they think it is fine to go ahead and do without asking. certain courtesies are required. some people will say that some people are incapable of knowing those courtesies without being told by a girlfriend, specifically. very well: you have told him. “I don’t mind people coming over, I mind not being consulted first” is not a complicated position to communicate, not a hard one to understand, and not one that should bother anyone who isn’t interested in controlling the space as a power play. the straightforward practice of the courtesy is no effort; it’s the meaning of the courtesy that makes him resist it. if I were you I would not try too hard to convince myself that there must be another, better explanation for why he does this.
posted by queenofbithynia at 12:16 PM on June 11, 2022 [37 favorites]
People manage houseguests in a lot of different ways and the way it goes with you two can be interpreted in a few different ways too. But I'm really hungry up on the silent treatment. That is not a respectful way to handle an argument, and I would have a very hard time being with someone who considered it acceptable. Are you okay with that? Have you discussed THAT issue before, and how did that conversation go? To me it seems very intentionally childish, cruel, and manipulative.
posted by metasarah at 12:56 PM on June 11, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by metasarah at 12:56 PM on June 11, 2022 [5 favorites]
The only way he can have full control of his home without having to compromise is living by himself. Even if you were his paying roommate you'd be entitled to at least some consideration on the house guest front.
The fact that he does not want to discuss ground rules and does not want to seek a compromise is not a good sign. From the examples you mention, it does look like he wants full control of his home without having to check in with you. I understand he gave in this time and the friend did not come over but then he took it out on you which is disturbing.
If he was unwilling to discuss and problem-solve this issue before, is he willing to discuss and problem-solve other issues? Do you ever avoid addressing your needs for fear of upsetting him?
You mention a few times how you do not want to pressure him, you are fine, etc. Is it really fine? Or are you just trying to not set him off again? Stonewalling you and then apologizing without changing his behavior lets him get away with not addressing your very real needs. The next time you might just go along with what he wants to keep the peace, and so he does not have to compromise.
And to answer your question, I do not think there is a way to make him see your point and compromise with you if he does not want to. If he does want to, there are many good pointers above.
posted by M. at 1:22 PM on June 11, 2022 [9 favorites]
The fact that he does not want to discuss ground rules and does not want to seek a compromise is not a good sign. From the examples you mention, it does look like he wants full control of his home without having to check in with you. I understand he gave in this time and the friend did not come over but then he took it out on you which is disturbing.
If he was unwilling to discuss and problem-solve this issue before, is he willing to discuss and problem-solve other issues? Do you ever avoid addressing your needs for fear of upsetting him?
You mention a few times how you do not want to pressure him, you are fine, etc. Is it really fine? Or are you just trying to not set him off again? Stonewalling you and then apologizing without changing his behavior lets him get away with not addressing your very real needs. The next time you might just go along with what he wants to keep the peace, and so he does not have to compromise.
And to answer your question, I do not think there is a way to make him see your point and compromise with you if he does not want to. If he does want to, there are many good pointers above.
posted by M. at 1:22 PM on June 11, 2022 [9 favorites]
I would absolutely not continue a relationship with someone whose response to a medium-grade disagreement is the silent treatment. That is not a respectful response, and contempt is poison in a relationship.
There's a bunch of this shit to navigate in marriage. People have boundaries about stuff that affect the other person and that's normal and should be worked through to try to get everyone happy, but if one person is saying in good faith that they are uncomfortable with something - especially about a relative stranger staying in the home overnight - you want a partner who really really cares that you are uncomfortable and eagerly wants to figure out how to get their need met without that discomfort.
I'm not seeing that he cares, and the fact that he does this over and over again knowing that you don't like it is...a very specific choice he's making. It may be time for a very hard talk about how he actually feels about you and wants out of this relationship, because a punching bag is not an acceptable answer.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:41 PM on June 11, 2022 [5 favorites]
There's a bunch of this shit to navigate in marriage. People have boundaries about stuff that affect the other person and that's normal and should be worked through to try to get everyone happy, but if one person is saying in good faith that they are uncomfortable with something - especially about a relative stranger staying in the home overnight - you want a partner who really really cares that you are uncomfortable and eagerly wants to figure out how to get their need met without that discomfort.
I'm not seeing that he cares, and the fact that he does this over and over again knowing that you don't like it is...a very specific choice he's making. It may be time for a very hard talk about how he actually feels about you and wants out of this relationship, because a punching bag is not an acceptable answer.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:41 PM on June 11, 2022 [5 favorites]
Something that's perhaps been under-discussed in this thread is that, for some people (and this can often be a cultural thing), hospitality is a really profound and fundamental value and obligation. Part of what might be happening here is that your boyfriend could feel that it is absolutely and obviously incumbent on him to, for instance, offer the living room couch if his friend seems too tired or perhaps drunk to easily/safely make it home.
posted by kickingtheground at 2:49 PM on June 11, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by kickingtheground at 2:49 PM on June 11, 2022 [2 favorites]
I get what kickingtheground is saying, because that is me. But it sounds like he DID go home, willingly, without prompting - and then late in the evening, the boyfriend asked him to come back and stay the night. At the point where the friend goes home happily of his own accord, even my deep-South bred-in-the-bone hospitality instinct will stand down.
I think your best bet is exactly what hungrytiger recommends - wait till you're both calm and comfortable, and have a rational discussion about it, both of you being honest and using your "I" statements if at all possible. If he can't manage that, it's a red flag, but it sounds to me like a situation where you're not recognizing each other's needs - rather than one where one of you places their needs above the other.
I'm a total introvert, and I need to know ahead of time when my carefully hoarded socializing energy will be required. In your shoes, in that rational discussion, I'd make sure my partner understood my emotional response to an unexpected last-minute guest -- not just that I didn't want one, but how it feels to get one sprung on me. You might need to make yourself vulnerable here by sharing exactly why it feels bad for you, so he understands you're not just "being controlling" about some social norm he doesn't seem to care about.
posted by invincible summer at 6:47 PM on June 11, 2022 [3 favorites]
I think your best bet is exactly what hungrytiger recommends - wait till you're both calm and comfortable, and have a rational discussion about it, both of you being honest and using your "I" statements if at all possible. If he can't manage that, it's a red flag, but it sounds to me like a situation where you're not recognizing each other's needs - rather than one where one of you places their needs above the other.
I'm a total introvert, and I need to know ahead of time when my carefully hoarded socializing energy will be required. In your shoes, in that rational discussion, I'd make sure my partner understood my emotional response to an unexpected last-minute guest -- not just that I didn't want one, but how it feels to get one sprung on me. You might need to make yourself vulnerable here by sharing exactly why it feels bad for you, so he understands you're not just "being controlling" about some social norm he doesn't seem to care about.
posted by invincible summer at 6:47 PM on June 11, 2022 [3 favorites]
... which, btw, is its own issue - why is he assuming you're controlling instead of wondering why it matters so much to you and trying to figure out a compromise? This isn't just YOUR job; it should be as important to him to solve the problem as it is to you.
posted by invincible summer at 6:53 PM on June 11, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by invincible summer at 6:53 PM on June 11, 2022 [3 favorites]
At the end of the day, you are indeed saying “No” to what your bf wants. This is, conveniently for your boyfriend, a response he can attack, but he is the one who painted you in that corner.
That said, if this fight happens every few months or weeks, I think you have played along with this dance.
The current dynamic is he knows you don’t like or want people over and avoids asking for permission because you won’t agree to it. That is not very healthy and gives you little space to not be “controlling”…
As others have pointed out, neither of you is wrong or right.
You say the rest of your relationship is pretty good. I accept that, but will say when couples fight about the same thing over and over again, it is an expression of their need for conflict. Issues like this can be reasonably solved, so I'd look at why it is such a struggle to come to an agreement or compromise on this specific issue.
Good luck...
posted by rhonzo at 7:00 PM on June 11, 2022 [3 favorites]
That said, if this fight happens every few months or weeks, I think you have played along with this dance.
The current dynamic is he knows you don’t like or want people over and avoids asking for permission because you won’t agree to it. That is not very healthy and gives you little space to not be “controlling”…
As others have pointed out, neither of you is wrong or right.
You say the rest of your relationship is pretty good. I accept that, but will say when couples fight about the same thing over and over again, it is an expression of their need for conflict. Issues like this can be reasonably solved, so I'd look at why it is such a struggle to come to an agreement or compromise on this specific issue.
Good luck...
posted by rhonzo at 7:00 PM on June 11, 2022 [3 favorites]
I, too, would be outraged in your position. An unexpected guest changes the whole dynamic of your home, and means you have to be in Company’s Here mode instead of relaxing with your guard down. Not cool. But, the honest part of me says I’ve been in your BF’s position too.
Back in the early stages of living with Mrs Burrito, we each did unthinking things like this and ended up in big fights (often after a bit of silent treatment). It took us quite a while to learn to run everything by the other, no matter how not-a-big-deal it felt, because it’s a totally different situation for your partner. Is there a chance your BF is still developing this reflex, and there’s hope for him yet? Particularly if he’s lived on his own a long time (perhaps even in this very house), the adjustment could be difficult. Depending on how long you’ve been there though, this may not be much of an excuse any more; and without the aforementioned discussion he may not even realise that he’s not being empathetic enough to the person he cares about.
posted by breakfast burrito at 7:03 PM on June 11, 2022 [3 favorites]
Back in the early stages of living with Mrs Burrito, we each did unthinking things like this and ended up in big fights (often after a bit of silent treatment). It took us quite a while to learn to run everything by the other, no matter how not-a-big-deal it felt, because it’s a totally different situation for your partner. Is there a chance your BF is still developing this reflex, and there’s hope for him yet? Particularly if he’s lived on his own a long time (perhaps even in this very house), the adjustment could be difficult. Depending on how long you’ve been there though, this may not be much of an excuse any more; and without the aforementioned discussion he may not even realise that he’s not being empathetic enough to the person he cares about.
posted by breakfast burrito at 7:03 PM on June 11, 2022 [3 favorites]
Have you stated your needs before on other things and how has he responded to that? Do you feel respected and heard? Do you feel like you're a team and working together? I think you have a good read on the situation when you say that "compromise is perceived as control when he's in this state." Have you had this discussion on spontaneous overnight guests before when he isn't in this state? How did that go?
I feel like there are a couple of problems here. One, it doesn't occur to him to check in with you first, to ask, "Hey are you ok with friend coming back and staying over?" And then you can have that discussion about what you need to be comfortable about that (e.g. friend not hogging the bathroom or what have you). Two, which is a bigger problem, is that he sees you as controlling him. Was he in a controlling relationship before and he's getting triggered or something? Is he afraid that you'll say no and he won't get what he wants? The way that he was reacting is that he felt you had already said no, when in fact he hadn't heard "I would like it if you checked in with me first so we can talk about what I need in order for you to get what you want." Or is work stress getting to him and he doesn't have the bandwidth to consider your needs?
I would approach him with, "Can we come to an agreement on overnight guests? I would really appreciate if you could ask me if I'm ok with having someone stay over spontaneously. I'm fine with you wanting to have your friends stay over, it's just that I need certain things to feel comfortable such as ___. I want to make sure that whoever is staying over understands not to do [disruptive thing]. I probably would have been fine if friend had stayed over the other day had we talked about it first." If he still responds that he sees you as controlling, or shows that he doesn't want to consider your needs because it's a burden, that is a bad sign. Honestly the next conversation after that should be putting him on notice in a way, i.e. "if this doesn't change, I'm gonna have to break up with you."
I can't tell if the dynamic of you living in his house is at play here. If you both owned the house, then you could say "It's my house too, I'm paying into it" but that shouldn't matter. You are both living in the house, and you're both in the relationship. Like others have said, it could be that he's used to his old ways of having overnight guests, but his reaction of him saying you're controlling him points to something deeper. It could be that he feels powerless about something? I'm spitballing here.
Anyway, I think you're seeing him clearly. He wants to prove his independence and freedom from authority; he paints you as an evil controlling witch; he perceives compromise as control; he might have a deep rooted resistance to partnership. It sounds like he doesn't trust you, but more significantly, he doesn't trust himself to also state what he needs and get that heard.
posted by foxjacket at 10:28 PM on June 11, 2022 [3 favorites]
I feel like there are a couple of problems here. One, it doesn't occur to him to check in with you first, to ask, "Hey are you ok with friend coming back and staying over?" And then you can have that discussion about what you need to be comfortable about that (e.g. friend not hogging the bathroom or what have you). Two, which is a bigger problem, is that he sees you as controlling him. Was he in a controlling relationship before and he's getting triggered or something? Is he afraid that you'll say no and he won't get what he wants? The way that he was reacting is that he felt you had already said no, when in fact he hadn't heard "I would like it if you checked in with me first so we can talk about what I need in order for you to get what you want." Or is work stress getting to him and he doesn't have the bandwidth to consider your needs?
I would approach him with, "Can we come to an agreement on overnight guests? I would really appreciate if you could ask me if I'm ok with having someone stay over spontaneously. I'm fine with you wanting to have your friends stay over, it's just that I need certain things to feel comfortable such as ___. I want to make sure that whoever is staying over understands not to do [disruptive thing]. I probably would have been fine if friend had stayed over the other day had we talked about it first." If he still responds that he sees you as controlling, or shows that he doesn't want to consider your needs because it's a burden, that is a bad sign. Honestly the next conversation after that should be putting him on notice in a way, i.e. "if this doesn't change, I'm gonna have to break up with you."
I can't tell if the dynamic of you living in his house is at play here. If you both owned the house, then you could say "It's my house too, I'm paying into it" but that shouldn't matter. You are both living in the house, and you're both in the relationship. Like others have said, it could be that he's used to his old ways of having overnight guests, but his reaction of him saying you're controlling him points to something deeper. It could be that he feels powerless about something? I'm spitballing here.
Anyway, I think you're seeing him clearly. He wants to prove his independence and freedom from authority; he paints you as an evil controlling witch; he perceives compromise as control; he might have a deep rooted resistance to partnership. It sounds like he doesn't trust you, but more significantly, he doesn't trust himself to also state what he needs and get that heard.
posted by foxjacket at 10:28 PM on June 11, 2022 [3 favorites]
"It feels bad to be treated like I'm not an equal in our house"
This really jumped out at me and made me wonder what else besides this one instance makes you feel unequal?
I can imagine a lot of things that could be going on. Financially you're helping him build equity in the home. Will you share that when he sells? How much input do you have in the decor? What about other decisions like getting a new appliance? Do you host parties together?
Is there some underlying feeling with your bf that this is really his house and so his preferences get priority?
Definitely need to unpack and maybe a counselor can help you both do that productively.
posted by brookeb at 8:33 AM on June 12, 2022 [2 favorites]
This really jumped out at me and made me wonder what else besides this one instance makes you feel unequal?
I can imagine a lot of things that could be going on. Financially you're helping him build equity in the home. Will you share that when he sells? How much input do you have in the decor? What about other decisions like getting a new appliance? Do you host parties together?
Is there some underlying feeling with your bf that this is really his house and so his preferences get priority?
Definitely need to unpack and maybe a counselor can help you both do that productively.
posted by brookeb at 8:33 AM on June 12, 2022 [2 favorites]
If this kind of thing only happens every few months, just let him do his thing? It's obviously important to him and only mildly inconveniences you. You go to bed alone, wake up, ignore the dude on the couch and move on with your day.
posted by SweetLiesOfBokonon at 12:27 PM on June 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by SweetLiesOfBokonon at 12:27 PM on June 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I'm really astonished at how many people are ignoring that you, female, are being asked to have basically strange men stay overnight in your home with no warning or even the pittance of consideration to ask how comfortable you are with it. Jesus. I mean, maybe the other dudes you've had sprung on you like this are ones you know well, but if they're anything like this incident, that's a really big ask--most women I know would be uncomfortable in that situation, and especially with Pouty McPoutface punishing you with the silent treatment for putting your guard up. You are so not unreasonable--women have to expend SO MUCH goddamn energy on considering our safety in any given situation, and yet you're being asked to spend some more, with no warning, in your own home, minutes before you're supposed to be going to bed. And I say this as a woman whose closest friends are men. Some of these answers are just dickish.
I also feel like you have a fairly unequal relationship because of the home situation, but if it works for you, that's cool. But wanting to control your environment does not make you controlling in the relationship--you are essentially paying into the household by paying him rent, and that entitles you to having a say in how that environment is structured. Men--and I guess a hell of a lot of women--just really have no idea what it's like to have to be on guard all the goddamn time, and so yes, maybe a conversation is warranted about this whole thing, as others have said, but I think you need to maybe bring that in to the conversation. Being asked, having a say, feeling comfortable and safe--those are not controlling things. Those are just basic human considerations for a partnership.
Hell, I was traveling with friends and they called me one night while they were out and asked if I'd mind if they brought one of the couple's cousins to stay at our vrbo's third guest room for the night. The relative hadn't seen him in decades, knew nothing about him except that he'd been terribly abused by his family and needed a little help, and they could have easily just brought him home and said "hey, he's using our third room tonight, it's cool, don't worry." But they asked me, and I'm really glad I nervously said yes, because he really was in a bad situation and we were able to help a little. But I was a bit scared at first about having a stranger to all of us sharing our space, in a place I didn't really know, especially since I'm up and down all night usually having to pee and that made me feel vulnerable. I can't imagine what it'd be like to have my own partner thrust someone at the last minute into my own actual home and then punish me for not wanting them there.
posted by kitten kaboodle at 4:11 PM on June 12, 2022 [12 favorites]
I also feel like you have a fairly unequal relationship because of the home situation, but if it works for you, that's cool. But wanting to control your environment does not make you controlling in the relationship--you are essentially paying into the household by paying him rent, and that entitles you to having a say in how that environment is structured. Men--and I guess a hell of a lot of women--just really have no idea what it's like to have to be on guard all the goddamn time, and so yes, maybe a conversation is warranted about this whole thing, as others have said, but I think you need to maybe bring that in to the conversation. Being asked, having a say, feeling comfortable and safe--those are not controlling things. Those are just basic human considerations for a partnership.
Hell, I was traveling with friends and they called me one night while they were out and asked if I'd mind if they brought one of the couple's cousins to stay at our vrbo's third guest room for the night. The relative hadn't seen him in decades, knew nothing about him except that he'd been terribly abused by his family and needed a little help, and they could have easily just brought him home and said "hey, he's using our third room tonight, it's cool, don't worry." But they asked me, and I'm really glad I nervously said yes, because he really was in a bad situation and we were able to help a little. But I was a bit scared at first about having a stranger to all of us sharing our space, in a place I didn't really know, especially since I'm up and down all night usually having to pee and that made me feel vulnerable. I can't imagine what it'd be like to have my own partner thrust someone at the last minute into my own actual home and then punish me for not wanting them there.
posted by kitten kaboodle at 4:11 PM on June 12, 2022 [12 favorites]
I'm sorry you have to go through this :\ you have every right to feel uncomfortable and/or pause at that decision. It's your home, too. I'm also sorry to hear your boyfriend is giving you a hard time about it, as well.
A small part of me can certainly understand where he's coming from—after all, it's late, you'd be asleep anyway—BUT part of a relationship is meeting each other halfway, or making one another happy. Sometimes that requires sacrifices on either side. The way your boyfriend reacts certainly does not seem like he's willing (at that moment, anyway) to compromise or understand where you're coming from.
My suggestion, and what I would personally do, is ask for a 30 minute discussion, in which you can, uninterrupted, share your feelings and perspectives (including your hurt at being stonewalled), then ask him for his perspective and feelings, uninterrupted on his side too. Discuss/hash it out, ask how you can make the situation work next time (ie, more notice, compromising by letting the guest come over, but not sleep over, etc), and ask him to please not stonewall you, but instead, show partnership by listening and meeting you halfway. If stonewalling is his style and not something he's willing to change, perhaps set up some kind of signal system (ie, "I need 30 minutes to think alone") and stick to that parameter/boundary, then talk it out.
I'm big on communication, compromise, and trying to understand others' perspectives, and I've often found it to work in my friendships, so my approach above might be worth a try, if you're comfortable with it :)
Overall, just know you didn't do anything wrong, IMHO.
posted by dubious_dude at 5:18 PM on June 12, 2022 [2 favorites]
A small part of me can certainly understand where he's coming from—after all, it's late, you'd be asleep anyway—BUT part of a relationship is meeting each other halfway, or making one another happy. Sometimes that requires sacrifices on either side. The way your boyfriend reacts certainly does not seem like he's willing (at that moment, anyway) to compromise or understand where you're coming from.
My suggestion, and what I would personally do, is ask for a 30 minute discussion, in which you can, uninterrupted, share your feelings and perspectives (including your hurt at being stonewalled), then ask him for his perspective and feelings, uninterrupted on his side too. Discuss/hash it out, ask how you can make the situation work next time (ie, more notice, compromising by letting the guest come over, but not sleep over, etc), and ask him to please not stonewall you, but instead, show partnership by listening and meeting you halfway. If stonewalling is his style and not something he's willing to change, perhaps set up some kind of signal system (ie, "I need 30 minutes to think alone") and stick to that parameter/boundary, then talk it out.
I'm big on communication, compromise, and trying to understand others' perspectives, and I've often found it to work in my friendships, so my approach above might be worth a try, if you're comfortable with it :)
Overall, just know you didn't do anything wrong, IMHO.
posted by dubious_dude at 5:18 PM on June 12, 2022 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
(Then once you guys have a handle on that -- and I bet it's got a backstory -- maybe you can also take the practical step of agreeing upon some basic visitor protocols that work for you both.)
posted by hungrytiger at 3:13 AM on June 11, 2022 [20 favorites]