Too chicken to cross the relationship road
June 1, 2022 11:56 PM Subscribe
I have a wonderful partner and I have had more thoughts about breaking up recently which has given me a lot of turmoil and I don't know how to sort these feelings out and would like to know how to best reflect.
I feel horrible writing this, because I feel like the only times people write questions about their relationship is when they're going to end them, and I don't know what to do or if I want to do that.
I'm 30, a cis queer female, and my partner is 31, a cis straight male. We've been together for 5 years. My partner is lovely. He's sweet, thoughtful, kind, opposite of me--happy go lucky, my friends and family love him, we align on major values, he's been very supportive of my queerness (I came out to everyone one year into our relationship), he's reliable, he's silly. We went to couples therapy for the first time earlier this year because I was feeling really confused about wanting to explore my sexuality and what that meant for our relationship (we considered ENM), and we were both conflicted about marriage. I have avoided marriage because my parents (whom I love dearly) have a very tumultuous but 25+ year long marriage where I firmly believe they would have been better off divorced, but for religious reasons, they are not. It caused me and my sister to endure a lot of pseudo-abusive situations. My sister even was reluctant to get married until she was 32 for the same reasons I did, but eventually did it to "make our parents happy." She says she doesn't regret it though.
Anyways, after couples therapy and exploring a lot of things, we decided that we could not open the relationship right now because it just didn't feel right, and my partner was not very open to it. I have poly friends and after talking to them and the therapist, I would agree that an open relationship is not what I want either right now, although my desire to date women has become stronger, and my partner and I talk about that. We did come away with more tools to communicate with each other.
And yet, after therapy, more thoughts (almost intrusively) have popped up about ending the relationship. And I don't even know why. I was very depressed and suicidal last year, but that seemed to get better after a bout of medication and changing jobs. In the past couple of months, I have thought about [not existing] more often, but not as bad as it used to be. I thought I was in a good place and we were in a good place. And I can't even explain the "why" behind it, I have no good reason. There are days I find myself smiling and laughing less with my partner, days I find myself not as attracted to him or really anyone, days I feel like everything is a burden and I want to run away back to my old life (AKA - the time in my life when I lived on the East Coast and had a bustling queer and diverse social life. That changed a lot when we moved.) There are more days where I have this unsettled feeling (and that feeling permeates everything--my friendships, career, family, etc. I don't think there's been a time I've felt truly settled though.) There is a gray cloud over everything. I always thought that if you have a gray cloud over everything, your relationship is supposed to be the one sunny spot and if it's not, then something is wrong.
There are more complications that add to this like:
- The immense pressure from both of our parents (who are now intertwined because they live next door to each other) to get married, and I've been working in my own personal therapy to separate pleasing my parents from my own wants. Cultural factors are there.
- My partner had a TBI and his disability makes it hard to remember things or follow through with executive functioning tasks. We talked about this in therapy and there's complications here of me feeling like I take on a lot of the care taking and responsibility due to his disability, and him feeling really bad about this, even though he can't help it. He is always afraid that his brain injury is what is going to lead us to breaking up due to his "inadequacy." I'm afraid there's a layer of ableism that's coming out for me, and a guilt that I don't want him to believe it's because of his TBI. I honestly am VERY ok with figuring out how to make this all work with his disability (we have systems in place that seem to help) but I am weary when he won't seek extra support outside of myself, like finding his own therapist.
- I rely on my partner for health care as my current job doesn't offer it, and I also have a few chronic conditions. He has me on his employer's health insurance that is very comprehensive and affordable. On top of that, we live together and like living together, and WOW things are expensive in this city. Everything we have is so intertwined now. The financial aspect makes me scared to consider changing anything in our relationship because I have no safety net right now and that is sort of terrifying.
- I really do love my partner, at this point he is like family. I like hanging out with him, I love hugging him, I really do not want to hurt him. And I don't know what's wrong with me. I can imagine us getting married and continuing the life we have as it brings stability to the both of us. And with nothing necessarily wrong but nothing necessarily feeling like "WOO HOO!" about the idea, it would just be...fine. If it's better than my parents marriage in any way, I guess that's a success.
I was so sure in the first two years of dating that this would be the person I would marry. I had never felt like that before. In fact, if he asked then, I would have said yes. But fast forward to 5 years in, I'm having this continual feeling of "unsettle" and yet nothing major has changed in our relationship. So I know it's me--I'm the problem here.
I'm less looking for "yes, dump your partner" because I'm not sure if that's helpful while I'm in limbo. I know it's one of two options in a decision I have to make. But I don't know how to make that decision. I'm hoping for things I can do to reflect and check in with myself about this--how do I figure out what I really want vs the obligations I have to family and my partner vs what I need when I'm sort of financially dependent on my partner? How do I talk about this with my partner? Should I talk to him about this until I've sorted my own feelings out? How can I get more clarity within myself? Maybe I'm just depressed again? I don't know. I'm in between therapists and would really appreciate something I can do to figure this out.
Thank you x
I feel horrible writing this, because I feel like the only times people write questions about their relationship is when they're going to end them, and I don't know what to do or if I want to do that.
I'm 30, a cis queer female, and my partner is 31, a cis straight male. We've been together for 5 years. My partner is lovely. He's sweet, thoughtful, kind, opposite of me--happy go lucky, my friends and family love him, we align on major values, he's been very supportive of my queerness (I came out to everyone one year into our relationship), he's reliable, he's silly. We went to couples therapy for the first time earlier this year because I was feeling really confused about wanting to explore my sexuality and what that meant for our relationship (we considered ENM), and we were both conflicted about marriage. I have avoided marriage because my parents (whom I love dearly) have a very tumultuous but 25+ year long marriage where I firmly believe they would have been better off divorced, but for religious reasons, they are not. It caused me and my sister to endure a lot of pseudo-abusive situations. My sister even was reluctant to get married until she was 32 for the same reasons I did, but eventually did it to "make our parents happy." She says she doesn't regret it though.
Anyways, after couples therapy and exploring a lot of things, we decided that we could not open the relationship right now because it just didn't feel right, and my partner was not very open to it. I have poly friends and after talking to them and the therapist, I would agree that an open relationship is not what I want either right now, although my desire to date women has become stronger, and my partner and I talk about that. We did come away with more tools to communicate with each other.
And yet, after therapy, more thoughts (almost intrusively) have popped up about ending the relationship. And I don't even know why. I was very depressed and suicidal last year, but that seemed to get better after a bout of medication and changing jobs. In the past couple of months, I have thought about [not existing] more often, but not as bad as it used to be. I thought I was in a good place and we were in a good place. And I can't even explain the "why" behind it, I have no good reason. There are days I find myself smiling and laughing less with my partner, days I find myself not as attracted to him or really anyone, days I feel like everything is a burden and I want to run away back to my old life (AKA - the time in my life when I lived on the East Coast and had a bustling queer and diverse social life. That changed a lot when we moved.) There are more days where I have this unsettled feeling (and that feeling permeates everything--my friendships, career, family, etc. I don't think there's been a time I've felt truly settled though.) There is a gray cloud over everything. I always thought that if you have a gray cloud over everything, your relationship is supposed to be the one sunny spot and if it's not, then something is wrong.
There are more complications that add to this like:
- The immense pressure from both of our parents (who are now intertwined because they live next door to each other) to get married, and I've been working in my own personal therapy to separate pleasing my parents from my own wants. Cultural factors are there.
- My partner had a TBI and his disability makes it hard to remember things or follow through with executive functioning tasks. We talked about this in therapy and there's complications here of me feeling like I take on a lot of the care taking and responsibility due to his disability, and him feeling really bad about this, even though he can't help it. He is always afraid that his brain injury is what is going to lead us to breaking up due to his "inadequacy." I'm afraid there's a layer of ableism that's coming out for me, and a guilt that I don't want him to believe it's because of his TBI. I honestly am VERY ok with figuring out how to make this all work with his disability (we have systems in place that seem to help) but I am weary when he won't seek extra support outside of myself, like finding his own therapist.
- I rely on my partner for health care as my current job doesn't offer it, and I also have a few chronic conditions. He has me on his employer's health insurance that is very comprehensive and affordable. On top of that, we live together and like living together, and WOW things are expensive in this city. Everything we have is so intertwined now. The financial aspect makes me scared to consider changing anything in our relationship because I have no safety net right now and that is sort of terrifying.
- I really do love my partner, at this point he is like family. I like hanging out with him, I love hugging him, I really do not want to hurt him. And I don't know what's wrong with me. I can imagine us getting married and continuing the life we have as it brings stability to the both of us. And with nothing necessarily wrong but nothing necessarily feeling like "WOO HOO!" about the idea, it would just be...fine. If it's better than my parents marriage in any way, I guess that's a success.
I was so sure in the first two years of dating that this would be the person I would marry. I had never felt like that before. In fact, if he asked then, I would have said yes. But fast forward to 5 years in, I'm having this continual feeling of "unsettle" and yet nothing major has changed in our relationship. So I know it's me--I'm the problem here.
I'm less looking for "yes, dump your partner" because I'm not sure if that's helpful while I'm in limbo. I know it's one of two options in a decision I have to make. But I don't know how to make that decision. I'm hoping for things I can do to reflect and check in with myself about this--how do I figure out what I really want vs the obligations I have to family and my partner vs what I need when I'm sort of financially dependent on my partner? How do I talk about this with my partner? Should I talk to him about this until I've sorted my own feelings out? How can I get more clarity within myself? Maybe I'm just depressed again? I don't know. I'm in between therapists and would really appreciate something I can do to figure this out.
Thank you x
You don't ever have to get married, ever, to this guy or to any other person, ever, for any reason, if you don't want to.
That's something I intellectually knew--a person doesn't have to get married--for a long time, but never really internalized for myself until I was about 30. The amount of psychological weight that removed for me was huge. It made room for so many other things.
I don't have to get married and neither do you. Ever. Not if you don't want. Now that that's off the table, you won't be getting married no matter what else, what do you want to do?
posted by phunniemee at 3:12 AM on June 2, 2022 [4 favorites]
That's something I intellectually knew--a person doesn't have to get married--for a long time, but never really internalized for myself until I was about 30. The amount of psychological weight that removed for me was huge. It made room for so many other things.
I don't have to get married and neither do you. Ever. Not if you don't want. Now that that's off the table, you won't be getting married no matter what else, what do you want to do?
posted by phunniemee at 3:12 AM on June 2, 2022 [4 favorites]
The grey cloud sure sounds like depression to me, and there isn't done magical barrier that makes sure your relationship isn't affected.
If everything, including your relationship, seems unsettled, I don't know that you'll find an answer just in the relationship. Have you talked about how you're feeling with your therapist?
posted by sagc at 4:08 AM on June 2, 2022 [11 favorites]
If everything, including your relationship, seems unsettled, I don't know that you'll find an answer just in the relationship. Have you talked about how you're feeling with your therapist?
posted by sagc at 4:08 AM on June 2, 2022 [11 favorites]
I always thought that if you have a gray cloud over everything, your relationship is supposed to be the one sunny spot and if it's not, then something is wrong.
This gray cloud thing is how I feel when I am depressed. I have been married for 14 years. In my experience when I have a gray cloud over everything, my relationships suffer as well. I have great relationships with my husband and my family and friends. When I am down in the dumps, I'm more likely to feel bad about my relationships and to shut out the people I love. My husband is the light of my life. But I know that it isn't fair or realistic to expect our relationship to always be sunny.
I'm trying to say that when stuff is hard, relationships are often hard as well. I can't say whether you are depressed but I think it's worth considering.
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 4:44 AM on June 2, 2022 [13 favorites]
This gray cloud thing is how I feel when I am depressed. I have been married for 14 years. In my experience when I have a gray cloud over everything, my relationships suffer as well. I have great relationships with my husband and my family and friends. When I am down in the dumps, I'm more likely to feel bad about my relationships and to shut out the people I love. My husband is the light of my life. But I know that it isn't fair or realistic to expect our relationship to always be sunny.
I'm trying to say that when stuff is hard, relationships are often hard as well. I can't say whether you are depressed but I think it's worth considering.
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 4:44 AM on June 2, 2022 [13 favorites]
Many people who come out later in life do feel like they have "missed out" - it's a natural thing. Some choose to leave an existing relationship, some explore polyamory or being "monogamish" (ethically seeking out casual sexual experiences with or without their partner); others decide that their current relationship is important/rewarding enough that they don't wish to change anything.
But I would strongly suggest not making major decisions when depressed. I have depression - it affects your judgement and (as you've noted) clouds your feelings, and can affect how you feel about your relationships with other people.
You want to make major life decisions when you're in a good place and you know that you are thinking clearly so that you know it's your true feelings that you are listening to, not feelings distorted by depression.
posted by jb at 6:24 AM on June 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
But I would strongly suggest not making major decisions when depressed. I have depression - it affects your judgement and (as you've noted) clouds your feelings, and can affect how you feel about your relationships with other people.
You want to make major life decisions when you're in a good place and you know that you are thinking clearly so that you know it's your true feelings that you are listening to, not feelings distorted by depression.
posted by jb at 6:24 AM on June 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
Relationships absolutely do not have some sort of magical exemption from the gray cloud of depression. If you're depressed, your depression is also coloring how you feel about your relationship. That doesn't mean the doubts you're having aren't real and valid and worth considering and maybe acting on, but do know that your belief that your relationship should be the shining bright point in a more general depression isn't realistic, in case it helps you weight your various feelings accurately. I do think you should work on getting a new therapist who can help you sort through the overall malaise.
Don't get married while you feel this way - or ever, unless marriage is something you actively and enthusiastically want! I can't speak to the cultural issues at play but I heartily encourage you not to get married to make your parents happy if you aren't actively excited about getting married.
You mention really missing your diverse and queer social life, and that that sounds like the sort of thing it would really benefit you to have back, whether you ultimately leave your relationship or not. Is there any way, where you are now, to get more involved with queer community? If so I think you might find it really beneficial to put some energy toward that for a while and see if having a community around you that more reflects how you see yourself and what sorts of people you want in your life helps with some of the general depression. (It may also clarify for you more about how you feel about your own queerness. You are no less queer if you stay in a relationship with a cishet man forever, but the yearning for an experience you missed is valid, and more time in queer community may help you understand what aspects of it you actually are yearning for. )
The other thing is the TBI piece. I'm so very sympathetic; I also have a partner with executive function issues and the supports available to him aren't entirely what he needs and it's hard for me (and harder for him!) But he knows - and it's hard-won knowledge based on something that went spectacularly badly many years ago and hurt both of us very deeply - that he can't count on me to be his only support. He needs to keep going to therapy, mostly, although currently he's taking a therapy break that we talked about together and that I fully support, with the agreement that if at some point I say "shit's getting bad again and I need you to have a check-in with your therapist," he will do that, no questions asked. I need to have my own support systems in place so that once in a while when I feel frustrated or resentful - which happens rarely these days but does still happen, I'm only human - I have my own safe places to vent that without bringing that bad energy back to our relationship. All of which is to say I believe that you can make that piece of this relationship work, if you decide you want to - but that requires buy-in from both of you and that means he has to get his own support system, whether that's a therapist or an executive functioning coach or a friend who will bounce ideas around with him or an online support group, or literally anything that's not just you.
posted by Stacey at 6:37 AM on June 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
Don't get married while you feel this way - or ever, unless marriage is something you actively and enthusiastically want! I can't speak to the cultural issues at play but I heartily encourage you not to get married to make your parents happy if you aren't actively excited about getting married.
You mention really missing your diverse and queer social life, and that that sounds like the sort of thing it would really benefit you to have back, whether you ultimately leave your relationship or not. Is there any way, where you are now, to get more involved with queer community? If so I think you might find it really beneficial to put some energy toward that for a while and see if having a community around you that more reflects how you see yourself and what sorts of people you want in your life helps with some of the general depression. (It may also clarify for you more about how you feel about your own queerness. You are no less queer if you stay in a relationship with a cishet man forever, but the yearning for an experience you missed is valid, and more time in queer community may help you understand what aspects of it you actually are yearning for. )
The other thing is the TBI piece. I'm so very sympathetic; I also have a partner with executive function issues and the supports available to him aren't entirely what he needs and it's hard for me (and harder for him!) But he knows - and it's hard-won knowledge based on something that went spectacularly badly many years ago and hurt both of us very deeply - that he can't count on me to be his only support. He needs to keep going to therapy, mostly, although currently he's taking a therapy break that we talked about together and that I fully support, with the agreement that if at some point I say "shit's getting bad again and I need you to have a check-in with your therapist," he will do that, no questions asked. I need to have my own support systems in place so that once in a while when I feel frustrated or resentful - which happens rarely these days but does still happen, I'm only human - I have my own safe places to vent that without bringing that bad energy back to our relationship. All of which is to say I believe that you can make that piece of this relationship work, if you decide you want to - but that requires buy-in from both of you and that means he has to get his own support system, whether that's a therapist or an executive functioning coach or a friend who will bounce ideas around with him or an online support group, or literally anything that's not just you.
posted by Stacey at 6:37 AM on June 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
Re: don't make major decisions while depressed -- in my experience, my depression could only be alleviated by extracting myself from an untenable situation. It's okay to quit! But I very much agree, don't get married while you feel this way.
posted by icebergs at 7:40 AM on June 2, 2022
posted by icebergs at 7:40 AM on June 2, 2022
Also, to be blunt again, it seems like LW does know what she wants from the queer community (sex, and there's nothing wrong with that) and that interaction while with a strictly monogamous partner would be a bad idea. Both in terms of the original partner (betrayal) and for anyone who gets involved later on (as they're now, possibly unwittingly, the third wheel). Going into a community where you want one thing but can only permit yourself "validation" is going to end in bitterness on all sides.
posted by kingdead at 7:55 AM on June 2, 2022
posted by kingdead at 7:55 AM on June 2, 2022
My first reaction is after all the therapy and communication... Nothing about your relationship changed and you still have unmet needs and feelings about your sexuality.
Will this ever change? If so what circumstances will cause it to? Are you okay if those are never ever come, because you are in a fine marriage forever? Like those questions sound like I'm on the side of breaking up and I'm not one way or another. You might be okay with that. I just feel your needs are being heard but not tended. He's the one mostlyy uncomfortable with opening up so you... Just... Are. Your needs are just in stasis now. Why would WANT to commit to a lifetime of stasis?
Also no one on here can tell you if it's depression hurting your relationship or your relationship problems triggering your depression. That's up to you, your introspective process, and therapy. I believe depression lies, but I also believe that even depressed people are still the experts of their own experience. All the stressors you listed can be worsened by depression, or worsen depression that was handled fine with meds until recently.
posted by wellifyouinsist at 8:35 AM on June 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
Will this ever change? If so what circumstances will cause it to? Are you okay if those are never ever come, because you are in a fine marriage forever? Like those questions sound like I'm on the side of breaking up and I'm not one way or another. You might be okay with that. I just feel your needs are being heard but not tended. He's the one mostlyy uncomfortable with opening up so you... Just... Are. Your needs are just in stasis now. Why would WANT to commit to a lifetime of stasis?
Also no one on here can tell you if it's depression hurting your relationship or your relationship problems triggering your depression. That's up to you, your introspective process, and therapy. I believe depression lies, but I also believe that even depressed people are still the experts of their own experience. All the stressors you listed can be worsened by depression, or worsen depression that was handled fine with meds until recently.
posted by wellifyouinsist at 8:35 AM on June 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
It’s common for people to imagine that “exploring your sexuality” is just about having sex, and perhaps this is part of what is tangling you up — it can feel so unworthy to contemplate throwing away a stable life with a nice person for “just sex”.
But part of what we obscure with this term is that — your sexuality is a fundamental part of who you are as a person, and so by exploring that, you are exploring a part of yourself which you don’t have access to otherwise. Who you are in a relationship with a woman has a fundamental relevance to who you are alone, to who you are in a relationship with a man or a nonbinary person, to who you want to date and how you want the dynamics of your relationship to go. None of that means you have to date women to be truly queer — you’re queer regardless — but that also means that these questions are fundamentally relevant to your life as a queer woman, even if you end up with a man. (Even if you end up staying with this specific man!)
I have known queer people who broke up with perfectly nice cis het boyfriends and discovered any of: they were dating a boy who they wanted to be like; they were dating a boy who was kind of like what they’d want in a girlfriend but nothing like what they wanted in a boyfriend; they were dating a very nice person whose desires were not at all compatible with their own (either in terms of sex or in terms of life goals); that they were actually lesbians; that they were actually trans men or transmasculine in other ways; that their nice boyfriend was not so nice after all; or that they needed to grow and change in ways that were not really possible inside of the relationship they were in, and that the way that relationship stifled that change was making them intensely unhappy.
I'm hoping for things I can do to reflect and check in with myself about this
Imagining that you might want to end a relationship is generally about imagining a different version of yourself, or about having the space for an as-yet-unimaginable version of yourself. Imagining breaking up, by contrast, is like imagining the end of your specific world. If you can separate these feelings from each other, it might be easier to think about how much each of them is contributing to the push-pull of your emotions.
It’s generally very hard as a young woman to feel justified in breaking up with a nice man, perhaps especially one who needs you in some ways — and perhaps especially one who you are somewhat dependent on. It may help to recognize that difficulty as a feeling whose origins lie outside of yourself. You don’t owe your boyfriend your future; that isn’t something you owe him even if you decide to stay with him.
Cold virtues like being true to yourself — or exploring yourself — often do not feel as good, especially as a woman, as warm virtues like caring for your loved ones and working to help them. This is largely because of cultural sexism, but it’s also because the payoff for helping your loved ones is relatively immediate (they’re happier, maybe they say thank you in a nice way, you can see that problems have been improved), whereas the rewards of exploring yourself are less concrete and tend to lie further in the future. It’s easy to see the consequences of helping (or not helping) your boyfriend; it’s not so easy to see the consequences of exploring or not exploring your sexuality.
Do you still have friends in your former east coast city, especially queer friends? If you broke up, would you be able to move back there with their help or support?
The logistical questions of money and health insurance are hard ones, and I don’t have easy answers for you. Depending on what state you are in, you might be eligible for Obamacare plans with a big subsidy, or for Medicaid. It might be worth looking into this, if you haven’t; it doesn’t help your relationship for you to be making decisions out of dependence if you don’t have to be.
Feel free to MeMail me if any of this has been helpful to you.
posted by elanid at 9:08 AM on June 2, 2022 [11 favorites]
But part of what we obscure with this term is that — your sexuality is a fundamental part of who you are as a person, and so by exploring that, you are exploring a part of yourself which you don’t have access to otherwise. Who you are in a relationship with a woman has a fundamental relevance to who you are alone, to who you are in a relationship with a man or a nonbinary person, to who you want to date and how you want the dynamics of your relationship to go. None of that means you have to date women to be truly queer — you’re queer regardless — but that also means that these questions are fundamentally relevant to your life as a queer woman, even if you end up with a man. (Even if you end up staying with this specific man!)
I have known queer people who broke up with perfectly nice cis het boyfriends and discovered any of: they were dating a boy who they wanted to be like; they were dating a boy who was kind of like what they’d want in a girlfriend but nothing like what they wanted in a boyfriend; they were dating a very nice person whose desires were not at all compatible with their own (either in terms of sex or in terms of life goals); that they were actually lesbians; that they were actually trans men or transmasculine in other ways; that their nice boyfriend was not so nice after all; or that they needed to grow and change in ways that were not really possible inside of the relationship they were in, and that the way that relationship stifled that change was making them intensely unhappy.
I'm hoping for things I can do to reflect and check in with myself about this
Imagining that you might want to end a relationship is generally about imagining a different version of yourself, or about having the space for an as-yet-unimaginable version of yourself. Imagining breaking up, by contrast, is like imagining the end of your specific world. If you can separate these feelings from each other, it might be easier to think about how much each of them is contributing to the push-pull of your emotions.
It’s generally very hard as a young woman to feel justified in breaking up with a nice man, perhaps especially one who needs you in some ways — and perhaps especially one who you are somewhat dependent on. It may help to recognize that difficulty as a feeling whose origins lie outside of yourself. You don’t owe your boyfriend your future; that isn’t something you owe him even if you decide to stay with him.
Cold virtues like being true to yourself — or exploring yourself — often do not feel as good, especially as a woman, as warm virtues like caring for your loved ones and working to help them. This is largely because of cultural sexism, but it’s also because the payoff for helping your loved ones is relatively immediate (they’re happier, maybe they say thank you in a nice way, you can see that problems have been improved), whereas the rewards of exploring yourself are less concrete and tend to lie further in the future. It’s easy to see the consequences of helping (or not helping) your boyfriend; it’s not so easy to see the consequences of exploring or not exploring your sexuality.
Do you still have friends in your former east coast city, especially queer friends? If you broke up, would you be able to move back there with their help or support?
The logistical questions of money and health insurance are hard ones, and I don’t have easy answers for you. Depending on what state you are in, you might be eligible for Obamacare plans with a big subsidy, or for Medicaid. It might be worth looking into this, if you haven’t; it doesn’t help your relationship for you to be making decisions out of dependence if you don’t have to be.
Feel free to MeMail me if any of this has been helpful to you.
posted by elanid at 9:08 AM on June 2, 2022 [11 favorites]
This anxiety, guilt, and ambivalence sounds like something that you and your partner could talk about with your therapist. You do sound pretty depressed and inwardly turned, which could be for any number of reasons. For myself, as a bi and trans person who loved my hetero partner, the feeling of being unable to explore queer relationships felt soul-crushing even though I didn’t know why.
It sounds like overall you have a caring and communicative relationship with your partner, and that some of the supports between you such as health insurance and post-TBI care wouldn’t have to end immediately if you chose to break up. I would guess that having an open and honest conversation with him about the way that you’ve been feeling would alleviate some of the guilt anxiety and depression you’re feeling in the situation, and give you some more clarity to explore those feelings without being so hard on yourself about them.
If your gut, intuition, or subconscious is telling you something, you don’t have to follow it’s advice blindly. That said, trying to push away or silence it is as futile as pushing away your interest in women. You sound very upset with yourself about the feelings you are having. Accepting how you feel, even if you don’t know why you feel that way, is the first step to feeling better.
posted by Summers at 9:23 AM on June 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
It sounds like overall you have a caring and communicative relationship with your partner, and that some of the supports between you such as health insurance and post-TBI care wouldn’t have to end immediately if you chose to break up. I would guess that having an open and honest conversation with him about the way that you’ve been feeling would alleviate some of the guilt anxiety and depression you’re feeling in the situation, and give you some more clarity to explore those feelings without being so hard on yourself about them.
If your gut, intuition, or subconscious is telling you something, you don’t have to follow it’s advice blindly. That said, trying to push away or silence it is as futile as pushing away your interest in women. You sound very upset with yourself about the feelings you are having. Accepting how you feel, even if you don’t know why you feel that way, is the first step to feeling better.
posted by Summers at 9:23 AM on June 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
It may be a useful exercise to investigate whether you’re depressed because your sexuality is incompatible with your current relationship.
posted by kapers at 10:00 AM on June 2, 2022
posted by kapers at 10:00 AM on June 2, 2022
Some things to consider:
Ending a relationship that isn't bringing you joy is not a failure. A relationship can be a positive part of your life and you can still be ready to move on from it.
Our cultural concept of relationship escalators which naturally progress to marriage and a house and kids etc. messes up a lot of relationships. You can enjoy where you are and stay there without needing to plan for those things.
You can sometimes change big things in your life while keeping the same partner. For example, by both of you returning to your previous city.
posted by metasarah at 10:51 AM on June 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
Ending a relationship that isn't bringing you joy is not a failure. A relationship can be a positive part of your life and you can still be ready to move on from it.
Our cultural concept of relationship escalators which naturally progress to marriage and a house and kids etc. messes up a lot of relationships. You can enjoy where you are and stay there without needing to plan for those things.
You can sometimes change big things in your life while keeping the same partner. For example, by both of you returning to your previous city.
posted by metasarah at 10:51 AM on June 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
How can I get more clarity within myself?
Is your interest in breaking up stronger at some times than at others, rather than being steady? If it varies, take note of how you're feeling overall when it's strongest. Is it when you're feeling relatively solid, fantasizing about positive changes you might make in your life, such as broadening your horizons, taking leaps, and exploring yourself and perhaps your sexuality? Is it when you're most under your gray cloud, unsettled, feeling like everything is a burden, and pessimistic about repeating your parents' history? These correlations may matter -- you may want to trust how your best self feels more than how your worst self does.
On another note, here's a thought exercise that could help tease apart what you want vs. what your partner and family do: Imagine yourself already broken up. Envision your life after the heartbreak and tumult have receded. Imagine a good alternate life you'll build for yourself. Then, ask yourself: would you wish he were your partner in that life? Would you want to get together with him, if you weren't already with him?
posted by daisyace at 1:15 PM on June 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
Is your interest in breaking up stronger at some times than at others, rather than being steady? If it varies, take note of how you're feeling overall when it's strongest. Is it when you're feeling relatively solid, fantasizing about positive changes you might make in your life, such as broadening your horizons, taking leaps, and exploring yourself and perhaps your sexuality? Is it when you're most under your gray cloud, unsettled, feeling like everything is a burden, and pessimistic about repeating your parents' history? These correlations may matter -- you may want to trust how your best self feels more than how your worst self does.
On another note, here's a thought exercise that could help tease apart what you want vs. what your partner and family do: Imagine yourself already broken up. Envision your life after the heartbreak and tumult have receded. Imagine a good alternate life you'll build for yourself. Then, ask yourself: would you wish he were your partner in that life? Would you want to get together with him, if you weren't already with him?
posted by daisyace at 1:15 PM on June 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
I agree with those pointing out that depression can indeed make everything suck, and that it sounds like you should at least try to budget in a trip to the East Coast community you've left and miss.
But also: it strikes me that it sounds like after coming out as queer, you both considered poly but then decided that wasn't best for you, and now...that's it? Have you considered watching lesbian porn with your partner? Or even if you're not poly, would he be okay with you going to a local queer bar/club and flirting with other women? It just seems like short of opening up your relationship, there may be other ways in incorporating your same-sex attraction into your current relationship.
And yeah, you don't need to get married. If the parents keep pushing this, tell them that their pushing is likely to have the opposite effect.
posted by coffeecat at 1:51 PM on June 2, 2022
But also: it strikes me that it sounds like after coming out as queer, you both considered poly but then decided that wasn't best for you, and now...that's it? Have you considered watching lesbian porn with your partner? Or even if you're not poly, would he be okay with you going to a local queer bar/club and flirting with other women? It just seems like short of opening up your relationship, there may be other ways in incorporating your same-sex attraction into your current relationship.
And yeah, you don't need to get married. If the parents keep pushing this, tell them that their pushing is likely to have the opposite effect.
posted by coffeecat at 1:51 PM on June 2, 2022
It sounds to me like you're miserable because you would like to try dating women and being part of a queer community, and he isn't open to that. I don't think you necessarily have to break up, but it does sound to me like you need the freedom to explore this part of your identity. You can decide to do that unilaterally without breaking up. You can say, "I love you and I value our relationship and I will stay in it as long as you want me to, and also I am going to date women now, too."
It might be a deal breaker for him, but it might not, too.
posted by shadygrove at 2:12 PM on June 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
It might be a deal breaker for him, but it might not, too.
posted by shadygrove at 2:12 PM on June 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
For what it’s worth, the way you describe your relationship with your boyfriend was just how I felt about my one serious boyfriend. I loved him, he was family, he made me laugh all the time, he was my best friend, and I didn’t understand why it didn’t feel right, but it didn’t, so I ended it. I remember after we broke up, I wrote in my diary that I wished he had been my brother instead of my boyfriend, so that we could have been part of each other’s lives forever.
Yeah, so actually I’m a lesbian. It took me a long long time after that breakup to realize it, but I am.
It’s possible that when you say you want to “try dating” women, what you really mean is that you need to be with a woman to have a romantic relationship that feels right to you. But you’re not me, and this may not resonate with you at all; and even if it does, that doesn’t necessarily mean you shouldn’t stay with this guy. But think about it. If he wasn’t a factor right now, would you be out there actively seeking out dates with men as well as women?
posted by showbiz_liz at 5:28 PM on June 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
Yeah, so actually I’m a lesbian. It took me a long long time after that breakup to realize it, but I am.
It’s possible that when you say you want to “try dating” women, what you really mean is that you need to be with a woman to have a romantic relationship that feels right to you. But you’re not me, and this may not resonate with you at all; and even if it does, that doesn’t necessarily mean you shouldn’t stay with this guy. But think about it. If he wasn’t a factor right now, would you be out there actively seeking out dates with men as well as women?
posted by showbiz_liz at 5:28 PM on June 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
Exactly what showbiz_liz just said. One of my old askme questions is on this exact topic if you'd like to see some of what my thought process was on the way to figuring it out.
posted by augustimagination at 6:41 PM on June 2, 2022
posted by augustimagination at 6:41 PM on June 2, 2022
Relationships pretty much always involve both parties limiting themselves, for the sake of something that you value more than what you are choosing to miss out on. Are you on the side of the line that makes you the most happy, over all?
posted by breakfast burrito at 6:41 PM on June 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by breakfast burrito at 6:41 PM on June 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
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If I can venture a guess, it's in part because you've come out while in a relationship and consequently haven't explored what you want post-coming out...
My partner had a TBI ... I rely on my partner for health care
...and you are perhaps feeling guilty for imagining what your unexplored territory feels like while in a situation like this.
In what you've written here, the overarching tone is one of ambivalence toward continuing your relatiosnhip coupled with care and concern for your partner. To each their own, of course, but it doesn't take a therapist to help you confront that you are facing a choice between an ambivalent relationship that is certain or an unknown future that is much less clear. Where do you fall on what you value if you plot certainty/companionship against uncertainty/possibility? The guidance you're looking for may well begin at that question.
I don't want to color your thinking with anecdotes, but so much of what you wrote seems familiar to me. In some ways your story seems like my story with a whisk run through the details. I was married for a long time to a man who, unbeknownst to me, had reservations about whether he really wanted to be with me. He kept that to himself, and he also decided that he'd explore his unspoken personal desires without telling me. He wanted the best of both worlds, and I was the collateral damage in the middle. For at least 8 years that I know about, probably longer. It wasn't until he had his own TBI that he lost or let go of his sense of inhibition about honesty and finally let me know. Well, the STI I got from him let me know, but when I brought it up he was ready to let the penny drop with a shrug and admit that he'd been ambivalent most of our relationship. I'd argue that that isn't ambivalence. I'd argue that that is, let's say, a misuse of a partner's attention, time, life. No one likes to hear a partner honestly speak the truth that the relationship is subpar, but as time passes everyone agrees that hearing that message was right and essential. Generally (not exclusively) because that is the kind of message that lets people know that it's time to move on. The TBI, that disinhibition, was an event that I was horrified by at the time but in hindsight consider a blessed message from the universe--for him (go live your life, not this sham) and to me (go live your life, not this sham).
There is no guarantee that you'll ever find a relationship that's better than the one you have now. If that upsets you because you don't want to risk a life without companionship--stay. If that upsets you because you don't want to risk a life without companionship that you value as completely as you desire--leave. Just don't do your deciding behind someone's back and/or wait for a message from the universe.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:14 AM on June 2, 2022 [11 favorites]