Sexless relationship Q
May 20, 2022 12:19 PM Subscribe
My spouse and I (we are both queer) haven’t had sex for a couple years. We talk about it occasionally, we both say that we want to want to have sex - but neither of us is particularly interested in making it happen right now. I guess my question is, are we doomed or can that be ok?
Neither myself nor my spouse identifies as asexual; we both had high sex drives as teenagers. We met in our 20s, and used to have sex regularly (every time we saw each other at first, tapering off to a few times a week, then a few times a month, then dropping dramatically when one of us was pregnant and never recovering).
We love each other very much; we get along well, we have good communication, and we are a good team. We are affectionate with each other, but in non-sexual ways (hugs, cuddles, sometimes a little kissing, never making out or anything overtly sexual). Overall, our relationship is good, but life generally is stressful. We have young children and we don’t have much time to ourselves, either individually or as a couple.
It’s possible that this is temporary, but it’s been several years now. I masturbate regularly, my spouse does not. I definitely want to want to have sex, but I just don’t really have the energy to actually want to have sex, and i definitely don’t have the energy/desire to initiate it. My spouse says that they feel the same way, and I believe them. At the moment, neither of us is at all interested in an open relationship, and I think that’s unlikely to change.
We are both on SSRIs which may be contributing to the lack of sex drive, though I’ve been on SSRIs since before we met (my spouse has been on them for a few years, I don’t remember when they started relative to the lack of sex). My spouse seems to be very much still attracted to me; I am still attracted to my spouse but not quite as much so as I was when we met, in part because of changes to their gender presentation.
I guess my worry is that since neither of us is asexual, some day this is going to blow up somehow - that one of us will meet someone and desire them and cheat or something. Is it possible for two allosexual people to be in a happily low or no sex relationship? Do we need to work to make sex part of our relationship again?
Neither myself nor my spouse identifies as asexual; we both had high sex drives as teenagers. We met in our 20s, and used to have sex regularly (every time we saw each other at first, tapering off to a few times a week, then a few times a month, then dropping dramatically when one of us was pregnant and never recovering).
We love each other very much; we get along well, we have good communication, and we are a good team. We are affectionate with each other, but in non-sexual ways (hugs, cuddles, sometimes a little kissing, never making out or anything overtly sexual). Overall, our relationship is good, but life generally is stressful. We have young children and we don’t have much time to ourselves, either individually or as a couple.
It’s possible that this is temporary, but it’s been several years now. I masturbate regularly, my spouse does not. I definitely want to want to have sex, but I just don’t really have the energy to actually want to have sex, and i definitely don’t have the energy/desire to initiate it. My spouse says that they feel the same way, and I believe them. At the moment, neither of us is at all interested in an open relationship, and I think that’s unlikely to change.
We are both on SSRIs which may be contributing to the lack of sex drive, though I’ve been on SSRIs since before we met (my spouse has been on them for a few years, I don’t remember when they started relative to the lack of sex). My spouse seems to be very much still attracted to me; I am still attracted to my spouse but not quite as much so as I was when we met, in part because of changes to their gender presentation.
I guess my worry is that since neither of us is asexual, some day this is going to blow up somehow - that one of us will meet someone and desire them and cheat or something. Is it possible for two allosexual people to be in a happily low or no sex relationship? Do we need to work to make sex part of our relationship again?
Of course you can be okay.
Sexuality and gender are both incredibly fluid. What you feel today may not be what you feel tomorrow or next month or next year. What you feel with one person may not be the same way you feel with someone else. It's all a spectrum.
The "want to want" construction you're both using seems to imply that you're both feeling some external pressure - probably cultural or related to upbringing - that tells you "how I am right now is not right, and I want to be right." But you already are right, this is just the norms your surrounded with, telling you to conform. I would encourage you to try thinking something like, "Society tells me I should want to want this - but I don't right now, and that's fine."
Asexuality, btw, is also fluid, and also a spectrum. Having wanted sex in the past doesn't mean that you can't be asexual now; identifying as asexual right now doesn't mean you won't/can't ever want sex again.
If only one of you felt this way, sure, that would be a relatonship problem to investigate and solve. But - if your relationship right now is making you both happy, outside of those voices telling you what you SHOULD want, then I would concentrate my efforts on shutting down those voices, accepting that the happiness you have right now is perfectly good happiness, and just getting on with life.
posted by invincible summer at 12:29 PM on May 20, 2022 [4 favorites]
Sexuality and gender are both incredibly fluid. What you feel today may not be what you feel tomorrow or next month or next year. What you feel with one person may not be the same way you feel with someone else. It's all a spectrum.
The "want to want" construction you're both using seems to imply that you're both feeling some external pressure - probably cultural or related to upbringing - that tells you "how I am right now is not right, and I want to be right." But you already are right, this is just the norms your surrounded with, telling you to conform. I would encourage you to try thinking something like, "Society tells me I should want to want this - but I don't right now, and that's fine."
Asexuality, btw, is also fluid, and also a spectrum. Having wanted sex in the past doesn't mean that you can't be asexual now; identifying as asexual right now doesn't mean you won't/can't ever want sex again.
If only one of you felt this way, sure, that would be a relatonship problem to investigate and solve. But - if your relationship right now is making you both happy, outside of those voices telling you what you SHOULD want, then I would concentrate my efforts on shutting down those voices, accepting that the happiness you have right now is perfectly good happiness, and just getting on with life.
posted by invincible summer at 12:29 PM on May 20, 2022 [4 favorites]
I guess my worry is that since neither of us is asexual, some day this is going to blow up somehow
This really seems like borrowing trouble! Keep an eye on it, by all means, but I don't think you're going to go all of a sudden from "can't be bothered to initiate sex with my partner" to "need sex so bad I gotta cheat." If one of you does notice your sex drive ramping up, you can deal with that then.
But you also seem kind of unsatisfied! You "want to want to have sex," and IMO that's not an unreasonable thing to want. But it sounds like your specific partnership is only a small part of what's making you not bother with sex - small kids, stress, and SSRIs aren't going anywhere any time soon, sounds like, and they are all real mood-killers.
posted by mskyle at 12:34 PM on May 20, 2022 [2 favorites]
This really seems like borrowing trouble! Keep an eye on it, by all means, but I don't think you're going to go all of a sudden from "can't be bothered to initiate sex with my partner" to "need sex so bad I gotta cheat." If one of you does notice your sex drive ramping up, you can deal with that then.
But you also seem kind of unsatisfied! You "want to want to have sex," and IMO that's not an unreasonable thing to want. But it sounds like your specific partnership is only a small part of what's making you not bother with sex - small kids, stress, and SSRIs aren't going anywhere any time soon, sounds like, and they are all real mood-killers.
posted by mskyle at 12:34 PM on May 20, 2022 [2 favorites]
I don't believe that people cheat on their partners because they aren't fulfilled sexually, IMO infidelity is typically a form of abuse and it's not "caused" by anything inside the relationship.
If you both "want to want" to have sex then something that really works for me is scheduling sex and even hiring a babysitter or a family member to get the kids out of the house if they aren't on a good nap schedule. Like "date night" but make it a Saturday/Sunday afternoon when you aren't as tired. It's going to be a bit awkward at first because you are out of practice but it gets better.
posted by muddgirl at 12:37 PM on May 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
If you both "want to want" to have sex then something that really works for me is scheduling sex and even hiring a babysitter or a family member to get the kids out of the house if they aren't on a good nap schedule. Like "date night" but make it a Saturday/Sunday afternoon when you aren't as tired. It's going to be a bit awkward at first because you are out of practice but it gets better.
posted by muddgirl at 12:37 PM on May 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
Yes, two allosexual people can transition into a relationship that is loving, intimate, supportive, romantic, and not sexual. They might then transition back to a sexual relationship, or not, or slide back and forth - the relationship you have now isn't the one you have to have forever. If one of you does have a sudden resurgence in sexual interest, it sounds as if you've laid a good foundation for talking about that and working through it together. None of this sounds like either of you would jump to running off and finding a third party to have sex with, if your sex drives do change, and I don't think you really have to worry about that.
I think if you're both finding your relationship to be a good and sustaining force in your life right now, and finding ways to connect and support each other that work for you where you are in your current lives, and staying open to the possibility that you'll need to revisit this if one of you starts to feel differently, then you're doing great.
posted by Stacey at 12:47 PM on May 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
I think if you're both finding your relationship to be a good and sustaining force in your life right now, and finding ways to connect and support each other that work for you where you are in your current lives, and staying open to the possibility that you'll need to revisit this if one of you starts to feel differently, then you're doing great.
posted by Stacey at 12:47 PM on May 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
If either of you are in your late 30s or 40s, and have ovaries, then menopause could also be part of what's going on. (I'm a cis het female who had a libido the size of Sandusky, Ohio until I hit menopause, and then it was like someone flipped off a switch.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:01 PM on May 20, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:01 PM on May 20, 2022 [3 favorites]
It can be OK! This kind of stuff waxes and wanes. And young children are a black hole for libidos in my experience. Not sure what your stance is on marijuana but my partner and I find that it almost always puts us in the mood and takes us out of our 'parent' identities.
posted by jeszac at 1:14 PM on May 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by jeszac at 1:14 PM on May 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
some day this is going to blow up somehow - that one of us will meet someone and desire them and cheat or something
If you're not asexual, it's likely (inevitable?) that one of you will meet someone and desire them, and at least be surprised by the intensity of the desire, even if no cheating occurs. Brand new sexual attraction is exciting and motivating in a way that a long-standing relationship's sexual attraction isn't. It doesn't mean anyone is destined to cheat, but it's worth looking at this realistically. This is something you can talk about proactively together. It's a delicate subject, but it's also very human. Very few allosexual people are going to find their life partner and never feel another jolt of sexual attraction to anyone else ever again. This would be a great time to find a sex therapist to help you both explore this fear and examine your sex life with curiosity and love.
posted by theotherdurassister at 4:05 PM on May 20, 2022
If you're not asexual, it's likely (inevitable?) that one of you will meet someone and desire them, and at least be surprised by the intensity of the desire, even if no cheating occurs. Brand new sexual attraction is exciting and motivating in a way that a long-standing relationship's sexual attraction isn't. It doesn't mean anyone is destined to cheat, but it's worth looking at this realistically. This is something you can talk about proactively together. It's a delicate subject, but it's also very human. Very few allosexual people are going to find their life partner and never feel another jolt of sexual attraction to anyone else ever again. This would be a great time to find a sex therapist to help you both explore this fear and examine your sex life with curiosity and love.
posted by theotherdurassister at 4:05 PM on May 20, 2022
I guess my worry is that since neither of us is asexual, some day this is going to blow up somehow
As long as you're both communicating openly and honestly with each other, the strikes me as borrowing trouble.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 5:48 PM on May 20, 2022
As long as you're both communicating openly and honestly with each other, the strikes me as borrowing trouble.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 5:48 PM on May 20, 2022
If either of you are in or nearing menopause, that can, in my experience, trigger a kind of late in life asexuality.
posted by quiet wanderer at 5:52 PM on May 20, 2022
posted by quiet wanderer at 5:52 PM on May 20, 2022
I would wait to worry about this until you no longer have two little kids in the picture. Having little kids in the house just completely torpedoes so many people's energy/drive to have sex.
This. There is a whole cottage industry of helping couples to regain sexual intimacy after that period in their lives.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:11 PM on May 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
This. There is a whole cottage industry of helping couples to regain sexual intimacy after that period in their lives.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:11 PM on May 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
We have little kids and have had a lot of stress and the same thing has happened to us. Just sharing as a data point that you are definitely not alone.
posted by pairofshades at 10:13 PM on May 20, 2022
posted by pairofshades at 10:13 PM on May 20, 2022
I think the problem can arise if one of does start to feel more sexual or sensual again and that attention turns outside the relationship. It sounds like you all like the idea of having sex again, and with each other, and that seems like a good reason to keep exploring this issue. Because at some point, you will have more time and energy, and it would be good if you had at least a little something still between you sexually to try to grow then.
So, I did a fair amount of listening and reading on this topic for a while, before my marriage ended, and here's my general understanding of it: we can have many things with long term partners, but we can't have novelty. A lot of the excitement of sex comes from the novelty earlier in the relationship (before living together, before kids, etc). You can't make your long-time partner new again. But, you can do new things together, and doing new things together can prompt some of those same feelings and help create that energy in your relationship and can lead to more sex.
You all have kids and life is hard and you are tired. But, when you can take a moment and take a breath, maybe think about if there's something new you might like to do together. This doesn't have to be a vacation without the kids around the world. It can be ... a walk through a new neighborhood you've never visited; taking a class to learn something neither of you knows how to do (knit, weld, sing, ice skate, whatever); going to trivia night if you've never done it. It doesn't have to be extravagant, but it does need to be together (and maybe with the kids would be okay too!).
As a cautionary tale: several years ago, my now-ex and I were in a marriage that didn't have much sex or romance but was built around a good friendship. The kids were getting a bit older and I started to have some energy to do some things, explore our new town. It felt like he never wanted to do any of it. I proposed working towards a sport activity we had shared together in the past. We rounded up some friends to join us. He and everyone except me and one person ended up dropping out, and then I ended up falling for that other friend. He was the person doing the new fun thing with me. That relationship didn't become anything, but this created so much stress in my marriage. What if my husband had stuck out the activity? Maybe that energy would have been something he and I had found together again.
Sex is important for many people, and it sounds like including you all when you were younger. I wouldn't give up on it quite yet. I would try to cultivate that spark again. I think it would be good for you both, or maybe you wouldn't be asking this question.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:33 AM on May 21, 2022
So, I did a fair amount of listening and reading on this topic for a while, before my marriage ended, and here's my general understanding of it: we can have many things with long term partners, but we can't have novelty. A lot of the excitement of sex comes from the novelty earlier in the relationship (before living together, before kids, etc). You can't make your long-time partner new again. But, you can do new things together, and doing new things together can prompt some of those same feelings and help create that energy in your relationship and can lead to more sex.
You all have kids and life is hard and you are tired. But, when you can take a moment and take a breath, maybe think about if there's something new you might like to do together. This doesn't have to be a vacation without the kids around the world. It can be ... a walk through a new neighborhood you've never visited; taking a class to learn something neither of you knows how to do (knit, weld, sing, ice skate, whatever); going to trivia night if you've never done it. It doesn't have to be extravagant, but it does need to be together (and maybe with the kids would be okay too!).
As a cautionary tale: several years ago, my now-ex and I were in a marriage that didn't have much sex or romance but was built around a good friendship. The kids were getting a bit older and I started to have some energy to do some things, explore our new town. It felt like he never wanted to do any of it. I proposed working towards a sport activity we had shared together in the past. We rounded up some friends to join us. He and everyone except me and one person ended up dropping out, and then I ended up falling for that other friend. He was the person doing the new fun thing with me. That relationship didn't become anything, but this created so much stress in my marriage. What if my husband had stuck out the activity? Maybe that energy would have been something he and I had found together again.
Sex is important for many people, and it sounds like including you all when you were younger. I wouldn't give up on it quite yet. I would try to cultivate that spark again. I think it would be good for you both, or maybe you wouldn't be asking this question.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:33 AM on May 21, 2022
A lot of people in this thread aren’t understanding what asexuality is. Asexuality refers to a lack of sexual ATTRACTION towards other people, not libido. You can have a high libido and still not be attracted to other people, or (as seems to be the case here?) have a really low libido, but that alone doesn’t make you asexual.
posted by Violet Hour at 2:34 AM on May 21, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by Violet Hour at 2:34 AM on May 21, 2022 [3 favorites]
I guess my question would be whether sex used to be an important part of what made you feel connected--and if so, whether you have something else that's giving you that visceral sense of connection now. If there is, then this doesn't have to be a problem at all. If there isn't, then you should probably go looking for something. Orgasms and post-orgasmic happy feelings are powerful magic for lots of people, but they're far from being the only magic.
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:06 AM on May 21, 2022
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:06 AM on May 21, 2022
I agree low libido doesn't make you asexual, but having sexual feelings and/or experiencing sexual attraction is not disqualifying for asexuality. Just as a note.
posted by invincible summer at 4:47 PM on May 21, 2022
posted by invincible summer at 4:47 PM on May 21, 2022
I mean. When we’re talking about the last couple years, there’s been a whole ass pandemic on. There’s a whole lot of articles about couples losing their sex drive because of it. And a refrain that’s common in those articles is wanting to want. Everyone has been through the wringer and you have little kids on top of that! Please give yourself the utmost kindness and let yourselves just be a little too exhausted for that kind of physical intimacy right now. It can be a lot of energy to work up. Scheduled intimacy time is great and it doesn’t have to be sex.
I’ll just mention - for a lot of people intense pleasure can bring up unprocessed feelings. If you are like everyone else right now, you probably have a lot of those. Subconsciously - or consciously! - avoiding situations where you will have intense emotions because it will make the dam break is definitely a coping mechanism. It’s neither healthy nor unhealthy except in context. But one way you might make more space for sexy intimacy is to make space for those really really big emotions. That’s hard with kids and hard in the middle of a pandemic and hard when it feels like there’s no time to break down. But it’s a legitimate reason for avoiding physical intimacy.
posted by Bottlecap at 12:59 AM on May 22, 2022
I’ll just mention - for a lot of people intense pleasure can bring up unprocessed feelings. If you are like everyone else right now, you probably have a lot of those. Subconsciously - or consciously! - avoiding situations where you will have intense emotions because it will make the dam break is definitely a coping mechanism. It’s neither healthy nor unhealthy except in context. But one way you might make more space for sexy intimacy is to make space for those really really big emotions. That’s hard with kids and hard in the middle of a pandemic and hard when it feels like there’s no time to break down. But it’s a legitimate reason for avoiding physical intimacy.
posted by Bottlecap at 12:59 AM on May 22, 2022
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I think the key thing here is a very strong clear commitment to your monogomous relationship and that any pull attraction outside needs to be seen as a signal to revisit the present balance.
Now, you are already feeling the pull of fantasies about someone else sweeping you off your feet, then, yes, you do need to invest energy in figuring out what to do with that. But if the present situation is feeling OK for now, then just let it be OK for now.
posted by metahawk at 12:29 PM on May 20, 2022 [5 favorites]