Bikini top unicorn? I’m tired of shopping for this. Hope me.

April 7, 2022 9:04 PM

I am looking for a bikini top that meets some obnoxiously-specific criteria.

• Fits a 34-36D bra size and supports like an actual bra
• Navy blue, true red, teal, or another solid color that goes with navy blue and doesn’t look hideous on redheads
• Front closure, or pull-on. I don’t want to deal with a shitty hook-and-eye behind my back, especially if it becomes unfastenable after one wash (EFF YOU ATHLETA)
• No really, I want a top I can swim in, not some creep’s idea of what Jessica Rabbit would wear to the pool.
• Ships to the U.S.

Back/shoulder coverage would be nice for burn-vulnerability reasons, but is not critical.

Please do not point me to a merchant and assure me they generally have a great selection. I’m here because I’m furious with most of the merchants and their piss-poor B-cup offerings that fasten in the back using a series of friendship-bracelet sobriety-test knots, in colors that would make me look like a corpse.

I want a specific link to a specific top that meets my specific requirements. Your reward is my undying gratitude. Thank you.

posted by armeowda to Shopping (3 answers total)

Best answer: Lands End: Adjustable Cap Sleeve Bikini Top Swimsuit in Turquoise offered in a D cup, has back/shoulder coverage

SwimOutlet.com has over-the-head/no closure tops:

TYR Active Quinn Bikini Top in Marine
TYR Active Reilly Bikini Top in Marine or Slate
Nike Women's Essential Scoop Neck Midkini Bikini Top, several colors
Nike Women's Sneakerkini Scoop Neck Bikini Top, Pacific Blue
[as well as a zip-front top with D cup sizing & negative reviews: Coco Reef Solid Genus X Bikini Top in Dark Turquoise or Amethyst]

At Swimsuits for All, a zip-front w/shoulder coverage (b/c it's a paddleboard top):
Camille Kostek My Favorite Long Sleeve Bikini Top in Camille Blue or Electric Blue, see size chart

At Dolfin, the over-the-head Swim Training Bikini Top in Navy has white piping.

There may be more options in SwimOutlet's "Active Bikini Top" (winnow by 'back style') & "Competition Two-Piece Swimsuits" (set bottom half on fire) sections.
posted by Iris Gambol at 11:10 PM on April 7, 2022 [7 favorites]

I love Athleta for nicely designed really functional activewear. Here are some specific tops that I think fit your criteria.

This is high neck racerback crop top swim top - pull on, comes in navy blue and bright blue. D/DD specific sizing. The size chart is a little hard to find - you have to go to the sports bra size chart to see, but a S should fit 34D-DD and a M should fit a 36D-DD. I’ve tried the sports bra version of this top and I’d say it’s a solid medium support option (I’m 32DDish).

Here’s a second Athleta option - comes in bright blue, pull on, D/DD specific sizing. Lower neck but looks very secure.

One last option - navy, pull on, D/DD sizing, but thinner straps so might be a little less secure.
posted by maleficent at 6:01 AM on April 8, 2022

I really did read what you said about no general links but .... Title Nine is the answer, especially for real boobs and real activity. Here's their page of bra-sized swim tops. Most are pull-on. Variety of colors. Big-boob-friendly; all constructed like a real bra, with a real chest band and support. The tankinis are like a bra with a stomach-skirt attached.

I can personally vouch for the quality of their stuff -- it is solid -- and its swim-ability. The backs that have a fancy string closure really act as pull-ons (I own one) and even the hook closures you can just leave closed and pull them on.
posted by Dashy at 7:14 AM on April 8, 2022