Best parts about parenting a boy?
April 1, 2022 10:55 AM Subscribe
We’ve just learned that my partner is pregnant with our son. I think we both had imagined a girl (and yes gender is a construct, so early chromosomal assignments are just part of the story), so this is a new concrete reality to ponder. We’d love help enthusing and imagining— what are the best parts about raising a son? How can we help him be compassionate, kind, engaged with the world?
Best answer: Oh hello! I have 5 sisters and was really, really hoping for a girl. Then found out I was having a boy, when I was about 38 weeks pregnant. (That was an accident; I hadn't wanted to find out at all.) For about 24 hours I was bummed, I have to say.
Now said boy is 18 and OMG I'M SO HAPPY I HAD A BOY. Boys are absolutely delicious. Honestly my brain is bursting with so much to say that I hardly know where to start, but I guess the #1 thing I'd say is that if you're a person who thinks "early chromosomal assignments are just part of the story" then I think you'll really love the fact that you're gonna get to raise a nontoxic boy. You can guide your boy to be a boy who runs around like a maniac, and bashes toy trucks together, and screams at the top of his lungs, and loves Broadway musicals, and gives and receives affection easily, and cries and can talk about and describe his feelings, and does art and reads poetry, and dresses up as both a princess and a zombie, and watches Pride and Prejudice and also every horror movie, and chooses (boy) friends who are funny, bright and nontoxic, and chooses girlfriends who are funny, bright and nontoxic, and, and, and -- gosh, I could go on forever.
Have fun. It all goes so fast. That's a cliche, but it's so damn true.
posted by BlahLaLa at 11:34 AM on April 1, 2022 [35 favorites]
Now said boy is 18 and OMG I'M SO HAPPY I HAD A BOY. Boys are absolutely delicious. Honestly my brain is bursting with so much to say that I hardly know where to start, but I guess the #1 thing I'd say is that if you're a person who thinks "early chromosomal assignments are just part of the story" then I think you'll really love the fact that you're gonna get to raise a nontoxic boy. You can guide your boy to be a boy who runs around like a maniac, and bashes toy trucks together, and screams at the top of his lungs, and loves Broadway musicals, and gives and receives affection easily, and cries and can talk about and describe his feelings, and does art and reads poetry, and dresses up as both a princess and a zombie, and watches Pride and Prejudice and also every horror movie, and chooses (boy) friends who are funny, bright and nontoxic, and chooses girlfriends who are funny, bright and nontoxic, and, and, and -- gosh, I could go on forever.
Have fun. It all goes so fast. That's a cliche, but it's so damn true.
posted by BlahLaLa at 11:34 AM on April 1, 2022 [35 favorites]
Best answer: Little kids, and in my observation especially little boys, looove running back and forth. From about age 2 to 10. If you have a choice, get a house that has a circle area - typically this would be a kitchen that has entrances into both the dining room and living room, and the parents can then sit on the sofa and watch the boy run through that track in circles, squealing, any time he's excited. It's quite cute!
The little boys I know are also obsessed with wheeled objects and building. The engineering obsession starts early and it's fun to watch the stages develop.
Work on validating and accepting his feelings. There's a huge tendency to meet baby boys' cries with some dismissiveness "It's not that bad" whereas girls' cries get received more gently "it's ok sweetie". This subtly teaches boys not to cry and to hide their emotions. Instead, hug them lovingly and just let them have an emotion without correcting or managing it.
Give him TONS of books and movies with female protagonists. Teach him to pay attention to the emotions of women. Completely avoid testosterone narratives - superheroes, cop shows like Paw Police, er, Patrol, and shows with a million boy characters zooming around - those teach saviourism and toxic masculinity. Instead look at shows where the characters play nicely and sensitively, and learn to cooperate, like Daniel Tiger and Bluey.
Name emotions. Look at pictures in books and discuss how the characters feel. When he's sad, talk about it, even before he can speak. "Oh, you're crying... it sounds like you wanted to stay at the park longer. Are you feeling Frustrated?"
Give scripts. "Oh your blocks are falling and it sounds like you feel frustrated. If you'd like some help you can say "help please!"
Build in quiet desk time from babyhood. Put them in a high chair with an interesting toy (use a suction cup or pacifier clip so they don't fling it) and let them explore alone for a few minutes at a time, and gradually work up their attention span- by age 1, my kid could play alone for 30 minutes because I put him in the high chair to do "baby work" every day when I cleaned the kitchen, and gradually built him up to it. Frozen peas, small frozen blueberries, cheerios, and corn kernels are good "busy snacks" for "baby work" time - they're pretty choke safe, they take a long time to eat, they work the pincer grasp, and train the attention span.
Make desk work cool for the toddler, to make school cool later for the kid. As soon as they can walk, get them a nice little desk (Ikea Flisat with the built-in bins is great) and stock it with paper, markers, playdoh, sensory sand, etc. Teach them to enjoy sitting quietly to "work" independently at a desk. Girls are socialized to do this because people expect girls to draw, but boys tend to be allowed to run around constantly so it's harder for them to sit still in school. Attention span is a muscle!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 11:38 AM on April 1, 2022 [15 favorites]
The little boys I know are also obsessed with wheeled objects and building. The engineering obsession starts early and it's fun to watch the stages develop.
Work on validating and accepting his feelings. There's a huge tendency to meet baby boys' cries with some dismissiveness "It's not that bad" whereas girls' cries get received more gently "it's ok sweetie". This subtly teaches boys not to cry and to hide their emotions. Instead, hug them lovingly and just let them have an emotion without correcting or managing it.
Give him TONS of books and movies with female protagonists. Teach him to pay attention to the emotions of women. Completely avoid testosterone narratives - superheroes, cop shows like Paw Police, er, Patrol, and shows with a million boy characters zooming around - those teach saviourism and toxic masculinity. Instead look at shows where the characters play nicely and sensitively, and learn to cooperate, like Daniel Tiger and Bluey.
Name emotions. Look at pictures in books and discuss how the characters feel. When he's sad, talk about it, even before he can speak. "Oh, you're crying... it sounds like you wanted to stay at the park longer. Are you feeling Frustrated?"
Give scripts. "Oh your blocks are falling and it sounds like you feel frustrated. If you'd like some help you can say "help please!"
Build in quiet desk time from babyhood. Put them in a high chair with an interesting toy (use a suction cup or pacifier clip so they don't fling it) and let them explore alone for a few minutes at a time, and gradually work up their attention span- by age 1, my kid could play alone for 30 minutes because I put him in the high chair to do "baby work" every day when I cleaned the kitchen, and gradually built him up to it. Frozen peas, small frozen blueberries, cheerios, and corn kernels are good "busy snacks" for "baby work" time - they're pretty choke safe, they take a long time to eat, they work the pincer grasp, and train the attention span.
Make desk work cool for the toddler, to make school cool later for the kid. As soon as they can walk, get them a nice little desk (Ikea Flisat with the built-in bins is great) and stock it with paper, markers, playdoh, sensory sand, etc. Teach them to enjoy sitting quietly to "work" independently at a desk. Girls are socialized to do this because people expect girls to draw, but boys tend to be allowed to run around constantly so it's harder for them to sit still in school. Attention span is a muscle!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 11:38 AM on April 1, 2022 [15 favorites]
My son is not quite three, so I can only comment on the first few years of parenting a boy.
Parenting our boy is lovely. He's a little sweetheart who likes snuggles and running around and poems and singing and swimming and reading and kisses. I imagine the biggest difference in parenting a girl would be the logistics of poopy diapers.
Of course, much of that is because of how we choose to parent, and because of the way the people in his life treat him. We want a kid who plays hard and can also talk about feelings, whether that kid is a boy or a girl. No one in his life pushes him to be more manly or tough.
I'm not saying there are no special difficulties to raising a boy (and I'm a bit worried about what might be to come), but they definitely don't start right away. Enjoy your little baby for the sweetheart he will be.
posted by MangoNews at 11:53 AM on April 1, 2022
Parenting our boy is lovely. He's a little sweetheart who likes snuggles and running around and poems and singing and swimming and reading and kisses. I imagine the biggest difference in parenting a girl would be the logistics of poopy diapers.
Of course, much of that is because of how we choose to parent, and because of the way the people in his life treat him. We want a kid who plays hard and can also talk about feelings, whether that kid is a boy or a girl. No one in his life pushes him to be more manly or tough.
I'm not saying there are no special difficulties to raising a boy (and I'm a bit worried about what might be to come), but they definitely don't start right away. Enjoy your little baby for the sweetheart he will be.
posted by MangoNews at 11:53 AM on April 1, 2022
Response by poster: Thanks soooo much for these answers— we’ll read them aloud to each other as we snuggle. And thanks in advance for more thoughts! It’s so helpful to imagine.
posted by SandCounty at 12:06 PM on April 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by SandCounty at 12:06 PM on April 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
For both boys and girls, teach them consent from an early age. Making sure all people in their lives ask them first before hugging or playing with their hair (when they are old enough to understand language) "Is it okay if I hug you?" vs "come give me a hug". When they start playing independently with other children, make sure your child models the same behavior (having them ask other children if it's okay to hug or whatever other physical thing they may do). Make sure to never downplay violence (no 'boys will be boys' stuff). Teaching them that if they ever feel uncomfortable, even with a 'trusted' adult (doctor/teacher/relative/etc), to talk to you about it.
posted by greta simone at 12:10 PM on April 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by greta simone at 12:10 PM on April 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
You're going to hear a lot of cliches about parenthood, but the thing is, most of them are are true, even when they contradict each other. One that strikes me as useful is that you are not your child, and you will have less control over your child than you hope or expect. You can expose your child, teach your child, and encourage your child - and do that! Do all of that! But know that he may not be compassionate, kind, or engaged with the world - or at least not in the way that you envisioned or hoped.
There's a popular analogy about having a special-needs child: You envisioned a trip to Italy, and you end up in Holland. But Holland is great too! This is hugely oversimplified and problematic, but it applies to every child, and I still find it useful as a simple reminder to try to focus on gratitude for what you have rather than on what you hoped for and didn't get.
Some parents try to force their children to match their gender stereotype: The tough boy, polite girl, etc. That's clearly wrong. If your boy wants to dress up as a princess, buy him the dress! But the opposite is also wrong: If your boy doesn't want to describe his feelings, or be affectionate, or read poetry, that's OK too (and is more likely than asking for a princess dress). My son will absolutely shut down if asked what he's feeling, but if you ask him to explain his video game strategy to or to explain an alternative way of solving a math problem, you might be surprised by his enthusiasm.
Which I supposed is a long-winded way of: Encourage your son to be the best version of himself, which includes forcing him to stretch and try new things, but in the end, let him be himself.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 12:20 PM on April 1, 2022 [9 favorites]
There's a popular analogy about having a special-needs child: You envisioned a trip to Italy, and you end up in Holland. But Holland is great too! This is hugely oversimplified and problematic, but it applies to every child, and I still find it useful as a simple reminder to try to focus on gratitude for what you have rather than on what you hoped for and didn't get.
Some parents try to force their children to match their gender stereotype: The tough boy, polite girl, etc. That's clearly wrong. If your boy wants to dress up as a princess, buy him the dress! But the opposite is also wrong: If your boy doesn't want to describe his feelings, or be affectionate, or read poetry, that's OK too (and is more likely than asking for a princess dress). My son will absolutely shut down if asked what he's feeling, but if you ask him to explain his video game strategy to or to explain an alternative way of solving a math problem, you might be surprised by his enthusiasm.
Which I supposed is a long-winded way of: Encourage your son to be the best version of himself, which includes forcing him to stretch and try new things, but in the end, let him be himself.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 12:20 PM on April 1, 2022 [9 favorites]
I was in the opposite position as you where I sort of just assumed I was carrying a boy and was really surprised, overwhelmed, and a little sad even when I first found out I was having a girl. But oh my word my daughter has brought so much into my life. All this to say that sometimes the unexpected holds unimaginable gifts and I know your little kid will be the perfect child for you no matter how others view them.
posted by donut_princess at 12:54 PM on April 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by donut_princess at 12:54 PM on April 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
For both boys and girls, teach them consent from an early age.
This this this this this x 10000000000. And teach him (if he turns out to be him) that he can be the victim of violence and assault and etc, that that isn't just for women and that peers can take advantage of him as well as adults (so I'm piggybacking off greta Simone's fine point).
That sounds bad, but let me explain. We had some issues in our graduate cohort, and there was a woman in our program who was making one of our male friends VERY uncomfortable, and he thought he had to just take it because he was a dude and she was a peer and "look, this isn't really that big a deal, is it?". Things came to a head with rooming arrangements for a conference when he finally shared that he wasn't comfortable with sharing an Air B&B with her, and when we swung into action to rearrange the rooming situation, he was amazed - no one had ever told him that he didn't just have to put up with unwanted attention, and that he was allowed to say "this makes me uncomfortable". He was ready to ride up when anyone gave one of us women trouble (which happened, oh graduate school), but didn't know he could ask for the same. So give your dude the gift of knowing that it's okay to say that anyone at all is making him uncomfortable, and to ask for help.
posted by joycehealy at 12:55 PM on April 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
This this this this this x 10000000000. And teach him (if he turns out to be him) that he can be the victim of violence and assault and etc, that that isn't just for women and that peers can take advantage of him as well as adults (so I'm piggybacking off greta Simone's fine point).
That sounds bad, but let me explain. We had some issues in our graduate cohort, and there was a woman in our program who was making one of our male friends VERY uncomfortable, and he thought he had to just take it because he was a dude and she was a peer and "look, this isn't really that big a deal, is it?". Things came to a head with rooming arrangements for a conference when he finally shared that he wasn't comfortable with sharing an Air B&B with her, and when we swung into action to rearrange the rooming situation, he was amazed - no one had ever told him that he didn't just have to put up with unwanted attention, and that he was allowed to say "this makes me uncomfortable". He was ready to ride up when anyone gave one of us women trouble (which happened, oh graduate school), but didn't know he could ask for the same. So give your dude the gift of knowing that it's okay to say that anyone at all is making him uncomfortable, and to ask for help.
posted by joycehealy at 12:55 PM on April 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Best answer: This happened to us too! We had a boy. (And then we had a girl.) Guess which one is sensitive and still snuggly at 7 and which one throws themselves into the ocean face first and wants to do everything by themselves.
Children will completely subvert any expectation you did and didn’t even know you had and it’s best to get it over with early!
If you were hoping for tea parties, we had those too! With airplanes. Talking to each other.
If you were hoping for dress up, buy lots of funky sneakers and fisherman’s hats and pilot / astronaut costumes. And capes. Omg The Capes.
As for compassion, just don’t shut down the natural compassion kids come with; be present with them during moments of pain and model understanding for others and you’re golden. As my son explained to me, after begging me for a nerf gun: just because I love explosions doesn’t mean I want to hurt people. (If you’ve got Issues around that best sort them out now. )
Congratulations!!
posted by St. Peepsburg at 1:39 PM on April 1, 2022 [7 favorites]
Children will completely subvert any expectation you did and didn’t even know you had and it’s best to get it over with early!
If you were hoping for tea parties, we had those too! With airplanes. Talking to each other.
If you were hoping for dress up, buy lots of funky sneakers and fisherman’s hats and pilot / astronaut costumes. And capes. Omg The Capes.
As for compassion, just don’t shut down the natural compassion kids come with; be present with them during moments of pain and model understanding for others and you’re golden. As my son explained to me, after begging me for a nerf gun: just because I love explosions doesn’t mean I want to hurt people. (If you’ve got Issues around that best sort them out now. )
Congratulations!!
posted by St. Peepsburg at 1:39 PM on April 1, 2022 [7 favorites]
Best answer: I think the best piece of information that I have been given about boys is that they have a very large continuum. (And a larger continuum than girls.) There can be huge differences in final height between different boys, they could be very fast or very slow, some will talk your ear off and some say hardly anything, some will be more impulsive and some more controlled, etc. Where your kid fits on these continuums will be interesting to discover (and may change over time). You get to put in some clear boundaries (more in the beginning) and set some clear expectations for behavior (more in the beginning), and then the boy will grow.
For me, curiosity about my boy has allowed him (and me) to bloom in all sorts of ways and go on all sorts of adventures - things that I would never have guessed because he thinks things and wants to do things that I would never have thought of. I highly recommend going deep - in our house this includes months or years dedicated to obscure mammals, knock knock jokes, table manners, riding on different transports, Avatar the Last Airbender, famous people of Russia, making soap, bike riding and tricks, sticker collecting, and getting very attached to electronic appliances (the waffle maker's funeral was epic) - and we are only at 12. (Also, we take turns so we also do things that I want to do and his sister wants to do.)
As folks said above, let go of your assumptions of BOY and just be with your KID. Treat them the way you want them to treat others, teach them the skills to do that, and see what unfolds.
Congrats on your upcoming new family member!
posted by mutt.cyberspace at 2:12 PM on April 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
For me, curiosity about my boy has allowed him (and me) to bloom in all sorts of ways and go on all sorts of adventures - things that I would never have guessed because he thinks things and wants to do things that I would never have thought of. I highly recommend going deep - in our house this includes months or years dedicated to obscure mammals, knock knock jokes, table manners, riding on different transports, Avatar the Last Airbender, famous people of Russia, making soap, bike riding and tricks, sticker collecting, and getting very attached to electronic appliances (the waffle maker's funeral was epic) - and we are only at 12. (Also, we take turns so we also do things that I want to do and his sister wants to do.)
As folks said above, let go of your assumptions of BOY and just be with your KID. Treat them the way you want them to treat others, teach them the skills to do that, and see what unfolds.
Congrats on your upcoming new family member!
posted by mutt.cyberspace at 2:12 PM on April 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
Here is my magical script with toddlers, and why it works:
Uh-uh! Name, please don't ___, because that could (familiar word).
Please do ____ (name the specific thing you want them to do, ideally with something to LOOK AT.
Examples:
Uh-uh! Henry, please don't throw the truck, because that could hurt. Please keep the truck on the FLOOR.
Uh-uh! Jeon, please don't yell, that hurts my ears! Please use a quiet voice.
Uh-uh! Leah, please don't run, because you could slip and get hurt. Please walk with SLOW FEET (slow feet directs their attention to their feet - more concrete than "slowly")
Why each part works:
Uh-uh! - Gets their attention but it sounds less negative and pushy than saying "no" all the time, and when they parrot it back, it's cute when a toddler yells Uh-uh! It's NOT cute when they yell NO!
Name - Say the name at the beginning to get them to look at you. People often say the name at the end: "Don't run, Petey!" But that's confusing because they hear your directive but then hearing their name at the end shifts their attention back to you, and then they may forget what you asked or not know what to do next.
Please - Always model politeness.
don't ___, because __(familiar word)__.
Please don't hit, because that could hurt.
Please don't throw sand, because if it gets in someone's eyes, it will hurt.
Explain what will happen, even before the child seems able to understand. Receptive language comes months before expressive language, and as simplistic as it seems, little kids do not intuitively know cause-and-effect!
(familiar word) - Teach kids the main consequence words (hurt, broken, burn, wet, fell down) by saying them a lot when it happens organically. Kid falls? Say "Oh no, that HURT! Yeah that HURTS! It's not fun when your knee HURTS." Toy breaks? "Oh dear, the bunny got BROKEN! Yeah it BROKE right here. It's BROKEN. That's sad when a toy is BROKEN." "It was too HOT and you got BURNED! Yeah it's not fun to get BURNED."
Now they know the word "hurt" or "broken" and have attached it to a known negative outcome, so when you say "Please don't hit, because that could hurt", they will actually remember and understand what that means.
Please do ___ = Tell them what to do in a positive phrase. If you say "Don't run", what the child hears is, RUN! But if you say "Please walk with slow feet", the child hears SLOW FEET. Avoid negative phrasing - always describe the thing you want them to do or to look at. That directs their attention to the correct place, so it's much more likely they'll understand - and therefore do - what's being asked.
Finally, the tone & speed of voice:
Use a calm, not too loud voice, and speak slowly and clearly. Don't get dysregulated and squeal it in a loud, high, nervous-system-activating voice. Don't use a deep voice to coerce obedience out of fear. Just say it calmly and kindly in a slow, clear voice. You are calm, confident, unbothered, and casual. You're responding, not "reacting". As the leader, you know the right thing to do, and it's not an emergency (because you're watching closely enough that you intervene before it's urgent). It's just something to communicate to the child, not a scolding or punishment. Remember it's not age-appropriate for children to understand or remember what you're saying, much less control their impulses - but you are giving them tons of consistent language with this script and they will absolutely start to understand earlier as a result!
This works SUPER well - start this formula even with little babies around age 6 months - "Uh uh Rae, please don't chew the cord, that could hurt! Please hold your toy!" - and they will catch on long before they can speak.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 2:16 PM on April 1, 2022 [12 favorites]
Uh-uh! Name, please don't ___, because that could (familiar word).
Please do ____ (name the specific thing you want them to do, ideally with something to LOOK AT.
Examples:
Uh-uh! Henry, please don't throw the truck, because that could hurt. Please keep the truck on the FLOOR.
Uh-uh! Jeon, please don't yell, that hurts my ears! Please use a quiet voice.
Uh-uh! Leah, please don't run, because you could slip and get hurt. Please walk with SLOW FEET (slow feet directs their attention to their feet - more concrete than "slowly")
Why each part works:
Uh-uh! - Gets their attention but it sounds less negative and pushy than saying "no" all the time, and when they parrot it back, it's cute when a toddler yells Uh-uh! It's NOT cute when they yell NO!
Name - Say the name at the beginning to get them to look at you. People often say the name at the end: "Don't run, Petey!" But that's confusing because they hear your directive but then hearing their name at the end shifts their attention back to you, and then they may forget what you asked or not know what to do next.
Please - Always model politeness.
don't ___, because __(familiar word)__.
Please don't hit, because that could hurt.
Please don't throw sand, because if it gets in someone's eyes, it will hurt.
Explain what will happen, even before the child seems able to understand. Receptive language comes months before expressive language, and as simplistic as it seems, little kids do not intuitively know cause-and-effect!
(familiar word) - Teach kids the main consequence words (hurt, broken, burn, wet, fell down) by saying them a lot when it happens organically. Kid falls? Say "Oh no, that HURT! Yeah that HURTS! It's not fun when your knee HURTS." Toy breaks? "Oh dear, the bunny got BROKEN! Yeah it BROKE right here. It's BROKEN. That's sad when a toy is BROKEN." "It was too HOT and you got BURNED! Yeah it's not fun to get BURNED."
Now they know the word "hurt" or "broken" and have attached it to a known negative outcome, so when you say "Please don't hit, because that could hurt", they will actually remember and understand what that means.
Please do ___ = Tell them what to do in a positive phrase. If you say "Don't run", what the child hears is, RUN! But if you say "Please walk with slow feet", the child hears SLOW FEET. Avoid negative phrasing - always describe the thing you want them to do or to look at. That directs their attention to the correct place, so it's much more likely they'll understand - and therefore do - what's being asked.
Finally, the tone & speed of voice:
Use a calm, not too loud voice, and speak slowly and clearly. Don't get dysregulated and squeal it in a loud, high, nervous-system-activating voice. Don't use a deep voice to coerce obedience out of fear. Just say it calmly and kindly in a slow, clear voice. You are calm, confident, unbothered, and casual. You're responding, not "reacting". As the leader, you know the right thing to do, and it's not an emergency (because you're watching closely enough that you intervene before it's urgent). It's just something to communicate to the child, not a scolding or punishment. Remember it's not age-appropriate for children to understand or remember what you're saying, much less control their impulses - but you are giving them tons of consistent language with this script and they will absolutely start to understand earlier as a result!
This works SUPER well - start this formula even with little babies around age 6 months - "Uh uh Rae, please don't chew the cord, that could hurt! Please hold your toy!" - and they will catch on long before they can speak.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 2:16 PM on April 1, 2022 [12 favorites]
Best answer: I had those feelings, especially each pregnancy after my (only) daughter died and my two subsequent children were boys.
Boys are awesome. Mine have given me so much - I've followed their lead on activities and now I too do martial arts, they love pottery, we all do wall "rock" climbing, and we also still settle in the living room for a "spa read" where we put on spa music, scented candles and...read, separately. They're both into art.
Both of my boys both love fart jokes, Nerf battles, and are also very kind. My younger looks for left out kids on the playground to invite into his basketball free throw tournament. I think part of that just comes from them, and part comes from how we approach things as a family. We're kind to each other, as a base. And then when they were younger I would ban shows based not on 'violence' (certain kinds of sword violence never bothered me) but on meanness. Interestingly one of the shows I had to ban was the Barbie show which they would deny watching now but had a brief fascination with when their cousins introduced them to it.
We try to fill them inspirational stories meaning people doing good.
My older son's gender presentation is less traditional than my younger's. We support them whatever they want - hair, nails, clothes. No big deal here. However, society makes this an uphill battle. Shopping in the boys section of fast fashion type stores here is suuuuper frustrating. Black, grey, blue, green, tan, brown, maaaaaybe orange or red if you are lucky. The number of cuts and options are low. You can definitely do better shopping elsewhere but honestly during the winter they all mix up their boots because all the boys only had X options at low prices. One year I bought my son the jacket he wanted which was sky blue with a fur collar and he was teased about it. That's a part of having boys I find needs constant navigation.
Consent is something you build in from a very early age. But it is important to make it explicit when you tackle sex education. My catchphrase is "the only yes is an enthusiastic yes. Everything else is a no." I pick my moments but I have tackled topics like "porn is not reality." It helps that "YouTube is not reality" happens way earlier.
Media literacy is really important for all kids but I feel like with the rise of the alt-right, it's especially important for boys. Fortunately here where I am the schools help.
We have been careful about sports and other communities too. Hockey here is just - not the community we wanted for our boys unless they could have played on the girls' teams. Shakespeare camp was the opposite - we got such great male actor role models.
I now work where over half my coworkers are teen to 30 year old men (Martial Arts) and wouldn't change it for the world. The young men there also are thoughtful and kind. There's nothing like watching a 17 year old boy get soft to teach a 5 year old child something gently, or wipe someone's tears.
I'm excited for you and I agree it's really just about your kid, but I hope this helps with the anticipation!
posted by warriorqueen at 2:22 PM on April 1, 2022 [5 favorites]
Boys are awesome. Mine have given me so much - I've followed their lead on activities and now I too do martial arts, they love pottery, we all do wall "rock" climbing, and we also still settle in the living room for a "spa read" where we put on spa music, scented candles and...read, separately. They're both into art.
Both of my boys both love fart jokes, Nerf battles, and are also very kind. My younger looks for left out kids on the playground to invite into his basketball free throw tournament. I think part of that just comes from them, and part comes from how we approach things as a family. We're kind to each other, as a base. And then when they were younger I would ban shows based not on 'violence' (certain kinds of sword violence never bothered me) but on meanness. Interestingly one of the shows I had to ban was the Barbie show which they would deny watching now but had a brief fascination with when their cousins introduced them to it.
We try to fill them inspirational stories meaning people doing good.
My older son's gender presentation is less traditional than my younger's. We support them whatever they want - hair, nails, clothes. No big deal here. However, society makes this an uphill battle. Shopping in the boys section of fast fashion type stores here is suuuuper frustrating. Black, grey, blue, green, tan, brown, maaaaaybe orange or red if you are lucky. The number of cuts and options are low. You can definitely do better shopping elsewhere but honestly during the winter they all mix up their boots because all the boys only had X options at low prices. One year I bought my son the jacket he wanted which was sky blue with a fur collar and he was teased about it. That's a part of having boys I find needs constant navigation.
Consent is something you build in from a very early age. But it is important to make it explicit when you tackle sex education. My catchphrase is "the only yes is an enthusiastic yes. Everything else is a no." I pick my moments but I have tackled topics like "porn is not reality." It helps that "YouTube is not reality" happens way earlier.
Media literacy is really important for all kids but I feel like with the rise of the alt-right, it's especially important for boys. Fortunately here where I am the schools help.
We have been careful about sports and other communities too. Hockey here is just - not the community we wanted for our boys unless they could have played on the girls' teams. Shakespeare camp was the opposite - we got such great male actor role models.
I now work where over half my coworkers are teen to 30 year old men (Martial Arts) and wouldn't change it for the world. The young men there also are thoughtful and kind. There's nothing like watching a 17 year old boy get soft to teach a 5 year old child something gently, or wipe someone's tears.
I'm excited for you and I agree it's really just about your kid, but I hope this helps with the anticipation!
posted by warriorqueen at 2:22 PM on April 1, 2022 [5 favorites]
Boys are awesome.
My entire life would be different if my parents had uttered these words.
posted by SPrintF at 3:23 PM on April 1, 2022 [8 favorites]
My entire life would be different if my parents had uttered these words.
posted by SPrintF at 3:23 PM on April 1, 2022 [8 favorites]
CONGRATULATIONS!
One of the things we discovered through parenting is how HARD it is to learn to be a person. So many rules! I do wonder if gender stereotypes are so easy to fall into (if already cis/het) because they give clear scripts and its just less work. Assuming your partner is female-presenting and you're not, one of the things we paid special attention to was making it clear that jobs and roles (outside of birth/feeding) were based on the family's needs and each parent's personality, not their gender. Mama cooks because she's really good at cooking and enjoys it. Dada usually drives because he likes driving and Mama doesn't. Dada does the laundry and washes the pans, Mama loads the dishwasher and takes out the garbage and recycling because everyone likes living in clean(er) spaces.
Ever since he aged out of "new baby smell" my son smelled like a puppy, and to me it's such a LITTLE BOY SMELL and I LOVE IT. (It's getting a little more rank as he ages, but I don't care.) He's also always been beautiful, and both his dad and I will sometimes pause and smile and call him our "beautiful boy".
And oh gosh yes, the running. So much running. You know, I think kids are constantly being hemmed in and contained, and told no, presumably usually for their own safety. But there is no greater joy in memory than the gleeful squeals my toddler made when set loose on an open field.
posted by BlueBlueElectricBlue at 4:08 PM on April 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
One of the things we discovered through parenting is how HARD it is to learn to be a person. So many rules! I do wonder if gender stereotypes are so easy to fall into (if already cis/het) because they give clear scripts and its just less work. Assuming your partner is female-presenting and you're not, one of the things we paid special attention to was making it clear that jobs and roles (outside of birth/feeding) were based on the family's needs and each parent's personality, not their gender. Mama cooks because she's really good at cooking and enjoys it. Dada usually drives because he likes driving and Mama doesn't. Dada does the laundry and washes the pans, Mama loads the dishwasher and takes out the garbage and recycling because everyone likes living in clean(er) spaces.
Ever since he aged out of "new baby smell" my son smelled like a puppy, and to me it's such a LITTLE BOY SMELL and I LOVE IT. (It's getting a little more rank as he ages, but I don't care.) He's also always been beautiful, and both his dad and I will sometimes pause and smile and call him our "beautiful boy".
And oh gosh yes, the running. So much running. You know, I think kids are constantly being hemmed in and contained, and told no, presumably usually for their own safety. But there is no greater joy in memory than the gleeful squeals my toddler made when set loose on an open field.
posted by BlueBlueElectricBlue at 4:08 PM on April 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Congratulations! As a father of a boy (now a young man) and two daughters, one of which is non-binary (they are okay with 'daughter', they've said it works for them), I think you're going to do great!
My wife and I had many discussions and made decisions before each of our kids were born (especially with the first) and found that a fair amount of that stuck, but a lot goes out the window and you just roll with things and learn as you go. Every kid is different, and you will learn from them what they need and what works for them. My two cents is that a huge part of successful parenting is suiting up and showing up with an open mind and a desire to do the best by your kid(s). Being present with your kids in the way that they need you to be is, I think, an enormous part of building self-esteem and self-worth and just generally being a good parent.
It's hard to express what being a parent is really like. Media spends a lot (most) of it's time expressing what's hard and why it's hard, and very little on the good stuff. Almost anything I could attempt to write about it would likely end up sounding like a cheesy greeting card sentiment. Still I'll leave it with this attempt: Get ready to experience a whole new kind of love.
I wish you and your family the best!
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 4:43 PM on April 1, 2022 [5 favorites]
My wife and I had many discussions and made decisions before each of our kids were born (especially with the first) and found that a fair amount of that stuck, but a lot goes out the window and you just roll with things and learn as you go. Every kid is different, and you will learn from them what they need and what works for them. My two cents is that a huge part of successful parenting is suiting up and showing up with an open mind and a desire to do the best by your kid(s). Being present with your kids in the way that they need you to be is, I think, an enormous part of building self-esteem and self-worth and just generally being a good parent.
It's hard to express what being a parent is really like. Media spends a lot (most) of it's time expressing what's hard and why it's hard, and very little on the good stuff. Almost anything I could attempt to write about it would likely end up sounding like a cheesy greeting card sentiment. Still I'll leave it with this attempt: Get ready to experience a whole new kind of love.
I wish you and your family the best!
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 4:43 PM on April 1, 2022 [5 favorites]
FWIW, the feeling of disappointment after the gender reveal is SO common that the parent bumper group I was on had a cute name for the feeling (I can't remember the name because parenting has left holes in my brain). Super normal, it'll pass.
posted by stray at 5:35 PM on April 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by stray at 5:35 PM on April 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
My mother gave birth to three boys and five girls. Gender wasn't really an issue in our family. She just let us develop naturally while providing guidance about empathy toward others, right vs wrong, etc., in a generic, non-gender way. My brothers were very laid back, but my sisters and I, well, watch out! I've always sort of thought of my own child as genderless. By that, I mean I just let him be my guide, and I tried to support whatever he was interested in. There was never any, "Boys don't do this" and "Girls don't do that" or "Oh, he's just being a boy and boys will be boys". There is one thing, though ... when he was little he loved peeing into the bushes in the back yard, and I'm not sure a girl would get the same thrill, but that's probably just due to anatomical/physics reasons. :)
posted by SageTrail at 6:02 PM on April 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by SageTrail at 6:02 PM on April 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Mother of two sons: Just BE compassionate, kind, and engaged with the world. And he will follow.
I always pointed out sunsets/clouds/animals/ anything in nature that caught my eye, and both of my sons still appreciate those things. I'm open with them when I make mistakes and I make sure to apologize when I've done wrong. I've let them see me struggle and they have seen me succeed. And I loved the hell out of them when they were growing up; encouraging independent imaginative play, always having their backs, and NOT giving them everything they wanted.
They are great young men now and I am so proud of them.
posted by annieb at 6:40 PM on April 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
I always pointed out sunsets/clouds/animals/ anything in nature that caught my eye, and both of my sons still appreciate those things. I'm open with them when I make mistakes and I make sure to apologize when I've done wrong. I've let them see me struggle and they have seen me succeed. And I loved the hell out of them when they were growing up; encouraging independent imaginative play, always having their backs, and NOT giving them everything they wanted.
They are great young men now and I am so proud of them.
posted by annieb at 6:40 PM on April 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
I thought I was carrying a girl; spouse and I were both disoriented to learn that the fetus was actually a boy. Now we have a snuggly, stick swordplaying, dress loving, heroine-identifying, wannabe engineer, non-binary/gender-fluid 8 year old.
Give kiddos space and support to define themselves freely and they will go for it fearlessly (and yes they will surprise you all along the way)!
posted by marlys at 9:36 PM on April 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Give kiddos space and support to define themselves freely and they will go for it fearlessly (and yes they will surprise you all along the way)!
posted by marlys at 9:36 PM on April 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
This is true of many kids of all genders, but boys I know are more likely to just be fully present in their physical body, with a frankly ridiculous confidence in their ability to do a flip or make a jump or land their bike. It's so fun and enthusiastic and joyful. A quote I have come back to over the years that describes it beautifully & with love is this one:
“When I was nine years old, the world, too, was nine years old. There was no difference between us, no opposition. We just tumbled around from sunrise to sunset, body and earth, as alike as two pennies.” -Inger Christensen
posted by Emmy Rae at 11:01 AM on April 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
“When I was nine years old, the world, too, was nine years old. There was no difference between us, no opposition. We just tumbled around from sunrise to sunset, body and earth, as alike as two pennies.” -Inger Christensen
posted by Emmy Rae at 11:01 AM on April 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
I’m twenty years into it, and while it’s been great, I don’t know how to pick apart which were the good parts about raising a boy generally and which were the good parts about raising my specific boy. The last five years or so, though, has been a trip, watching the snuggly, affectionate, bull-headed, kind, intellectually confident, helpful, untidy, compassionate boy I brought up turn into a grown man with all the same qualities. (You didn’t ask about low points, and the night he made the toilet literally explode (cat-litter miscalculation)wasn’t all that bad in the grander scheme of things, but it was memorable.)
posted by LizardBreath at 11:19 AM on April 2, 2022
posted by LizardBreath at 11:19 AM on April 2, 2022
I just assumed I would have a girl at some point because I had given a lot of thought over the years about how I would want to parent a girl and pretty much none on how to parent a boy. So of course I had 2 boys.
You can't predict what kind of boy you will have--whether he'll like trucks or dolls, Broadway musicals or speed metal. You also can't really control what kind of peers they'll have.
But my kids are growing up in a house where mom works and dad doesn't, where dad does the cooking and mom repairs torn stuffies. They are growing up in an environment where we take their input into account and try to listen to their preferences, and where we encourage them to listen to others. Hopefully that will be enough to help them grow into people who are thoughtful and inclusive.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 5:37 PM on April 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
You can't predict what kind of boy you will have--whether he'll like trucks or dolls, Broadway musicals or speed metal. You also can't really control what kind of peers they'll have.
But my kids are growing up in a house where mom works and dad doesn't, where dad does the cooking and mom repairs torn stuffies. They are growing up in an environment where we take their input into account and try to listen to their preferences, and where we encourage them to listen to others. Hopefully that will be enough to help them grow into people who are thoughtful and inclusive.
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 5:37 PM on April 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
Best answer: We had this momentary feeling in the parking lot after the ultrasound. When I think of it now, a big part of it was that at the time, all we had to go on was an empty gender designation. We hadn’t met either of are two very specific sons with all their idiosyncracies. At that moment, I didn’t picture the fantastic kid whose favorite color is pink, insists on long hair, and tells us he loves us spontaneously and constantly. I think it’s just that—with the empty category, it’s easy to spin off in all sorts of directions.
posted by umbú at 4:00 PM on April 5, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by umbú at 4:00 PM on April 5, 2022 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by SPrintF at 11:17 AM on April 1, 2022 [4 favorites]