Should I help my child stop biting her nails?
March 15, 2022 11:06 AM   Subscribe

My six year old bites her nails. A lot.

She bites her nails, mostly all the time. She gets hangnails. She bites her toenails.


I'm in my late 30s and still have a number of disorders that are similar to nail biting---trichtolillomania, etc. I fear she's inherited my disorders.

What I do not want to happen is that we don't address this, and it gets harder and harder for her to break these habits as she gets older.

I've tried giving her manicures, painting her nails, etc. They help. But my main question is: should we try hard to help her stop biting her nails, or just let it be? If she is going to outgrow it, when would that happen? Thanks.
posted by MisantropicPainforest to Health & Fitness (26 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
Maybe focus on her anxiety and energy that has nowhere to go? This is coming from someone who has been there.
posted by amtho at 11:29 AM on March 15, 2022 [15 favorites]


I was a nail biter as a child. I did it, and still do it sometimes, to cope with existing in the world. I think finding ways to help children cope with the world is a good thing to do, but you should not try to target the nailbiting directly. So for example:

* Nail polish
* Bitter flavoring on nails
* Positive or negative comments on the nailbiting or lack of

These were not successful on me and generated a lot of shame when I did bite my nails, which I also then had to cope with somehow. As an adult, things that have been effective for me have been:

* Fidget toys
* Forms of stimming that are more visible than nail biting (rocking, moving, visual stimming)
* Mindfulness practice that enables me to notice when I'm biting my nails or peeling bits of skin off my cuticles and react to it with curiosity. Sometimes what I find out is that I dislike the situation I'm in and need to modify it (for example, too many TV sounds), sometimes I'm upset about something, sometimes I just need a way to be moving a bit.

Other people who actually have kids will probably have more helpful suggestions about the logistics of this (play therapy?), but I mostly wanted to convey that your child is doing this behavior for a reason - it meets a need that they have. Try to find out how to help them meet the need instead of just helping them stop the behavior.
posted by nevernines at 11:35 AM on March 15, 2022 [14 favorites]


Hi I used to bite my nails. I don’t know when it started but it lasted into my twenties and was difficult to stop. In part because if severely weakens your nail and it all has to grow out. Plus it damages teeth. Not to mention it being really painful and inviting infection. If you can now, do. For me it was about redirecting. So I would take care of whatever issue there was with a clipper or file, then keep my hands and mouth busy. Silly putty, crochet, and videos games helped me. I now don’t bite them unless it’s like a nail emergency.
posted by Crystalinne at 11:37 AM on March 15, 2022 [3 favorites]


I do think it's best to try and break the habit sooner than later. My son used to bite his nails when he was little and he also got sick a lot with colds. I suggested that he was getting sick because he was putting his fingers in his mouth throughout the day. That made him want to stop, and I encouraged him by giving his nails a quick filing with an emory board at night as part of his bedtime ritual, which kept them short enough that they couldn't be bitten. (Also applied hand lotion during the dry winters to keep hangnails at bay).
posted by mezzanayne at 11:37 AM on March 15, 2022 [1 favorite]


Her brain should have something interesting and constructive to do every moment of every day -- not be forced to do, not be obligated to do, but some kind of project she can pour all her considerable intelligence and energy into, something that fascinates her and gives her joy.

For me, the absence of that is what leads to having to put my attention _somewhere_, and my physical self is always there.
posted by amtho at 11:51 AM on March 15, 2022 [4 favorites]


I bit my nails from when I was a kid (maybe 10ish?) until I was in my mid 20s. My parents constantly tried to get me to stop, but I didn’t really want to stop and didn’t care, so I kept doing it. Then eventually I wanted to stop, and I figured out how to stop (for me, it was keeping my nails painted, and then chipping all the nail polish off instead of biting). I really needed a way to fidget quietly, and everything that my parents tried (like the bitter nail stuff) tried to stop the nail biting, but without a replacement.

I would talk to your kid - does she want to stop? Does she like biting her nails? Would she be willing to try to stop? If she doesn’t want to stop, I’d let it go for now, and revisit in maybe a year or so. If she does want to stop but doesn’t know how, I highly highly recommend having some fidget-y replacements.
posted by maleficent at 11:53 AM on March 15, 2022 [4 favorites]


Honestly, I don't think it's that big of a deal. I bit my nails as a child up until I got braces on my teeth as a teenager and the braces made it hurt to bite into things. I don't feel like it caused me any harm.

However, here's what mayoclinic.org says:

Although unsanitary, chronic nail biting (onychophagia) isn't likely to cause long-term nail damage.

Nails are formed within the nail bed — just beneath where the U-shaped cuticles begin. As long as the nail bed remains intact, nail biting isn't likely to interfere with fingernail growth. In fact, some research suggests that nail biting might even promote faster nail growth.

Nail biting isn't without risks, however. For example, nail biting can:
Damage the skin around the nail, increasing the risk of infection
Increase the risk of colds and other infections by spreading germs from your fingers to your mouth
Harm your teeth

If you're concerned about nail biting, consult your doctor or a mental health provider. To stop nail biting, he or she might suggest:
Avoiding factors that trigger nail biting, such as over-stimulation
Taking healthy steps, such as getting active, to manage stress and anxiety
Keeping your nails neatly trimmed or manicured
Occupying your hands or mouth with alternate activities, such as playing a musical instrument
Apply a bitter tasting lacquer to nails to discourage biting

In some cases, treatment with behavior therapy might be needed.
posted by SageTrail at 11:54 AM on March 15, 2022 [1 favorite]


I used to bite my nails a lot and grew out of it. My theory is that it was restlessness, rather than anxiety; I tended to do it when I was bored and expected to stay still, not when I was nervous.

That's not to say you shouldn't address it, just that there could be multiple reasons. I would probably have liked a fidget toy. Not a spinner, though, maybe one of those popping ones (there's something more satisfying about it).

I would be more tempted to do it the nail had some roughness or a hangnail, too, so maybe another angle is trim them after she DOES bite them, to keep the edges smooth.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 11:54 AM on March 15, 2022 [1 favorite]


As a lifelong nail biter, I do personally wish someone had gotten me used to some less unsightly coping mechanism as a child.
posted by wowenthusiast at 12:07 PM on March 15, 2022 [11 favorites]


Another veteran nailbiter here who didn't stop until her 30s (I still nibble occasionally but have the ability to stop myself). Nothing my parents did worked, because it was a deep sensory need for me. Like many above, I had a lot of anxiety and a strong need to fidget.

I would have been much better served by them helping me find a replacement habit rather than trying to curb the behavior itself. Things that helped in the end: filing/clipping nails relentlessly, folding/ripping tiny pieces of paper, finding acceptable things to pick at, etc. Things that didn't: bandaids, bitter nail polish, rewards/punishments.
posted by Knicke at 12:18 PM on March 15, 2022 [1 favorite]


tl:dr, I would say yes! But with care and caution. +++ to amtho and nevernines' answers up at the top.

I've been biting my nails and picking my cuticles since I was old enough to be able to (am in my 40s). My mom picks her nails; my sister has struggled with trich. I have ADHD, and have dealt with clinical depression; my sister at one point was being treated for clinical anxiety. She and I have talked about our picking/pulling on occasion. We both have had therapists tell us to keep a diary of when we get the urge to pick/pull, which is laughable to us - there are very few moments when I do *not* have the urge to pick. She's hypothesized that these habits function in a way to keep us tied down to reality, and that resonates with me - when our brains are spinning out and considering vast possibilities (which, for us, is almost all the time), these actions focus us back on the here and now.

I've read a little bit about stimming in ASD, which seems to serve similar purposes around managing emotions and reassuring the self (and what I've read reinforces the idea that all humans self-stimulate in one way or another - think Maria von Trapp singing "I have confidence in me!" as she heads into her first job away from the convent).

I don't know if I'll ever be able to stop - I've tried lots of the solutions above. At this point, I think the reward/dopamine/satisfaction circuit may be too deeply embedded. I wish I could - I've experienced deep shame about my hands when interacting professionally ("What are those band-aids? Are you ok?"), and had at least one friend yell at me because she was so mad that I couldn't stop ("People quit heroin cold-turkey - why can't you just quit this?!"). I identify as a woman, but I hate nail polish, and the motivation to stop because unbitten nails are "pretty" actually ignites my fuck-off circuits around gender conformity and beauty standards.

All that said! I think it would have really helped me as a kid if my parents had:
- paid attention to biting/picking as a potential sign that things were on my mind, and responded appropriately (in the moment: first asking about how I was feeling, rather than pointing out the nail-biting)
- not worried overmuch, but been ready and positive about getting me a chat with a therapist to talk about stress and ways to manage it (and considered this a family goal, since a lot of kid-stress comes from parents and siblings)
- helped me build a habit around moisturizing hands and cuticles - someone on MeFi recently mentioned a cream called Udderly Smooth, which supposedly is less greasy-feeling, but it might have been fun as a kid to have my own cuticle-oil pen or similar
- same for filing, which is much better for me than cutting, since it leaves a smooth edge (so, so much of the urge to pick comes from the feeling, both internal and external, that a piece of nail or skin is rough and needs to be smooth by being peeled away)
- supported habits that make it hard to stop to bite hands and are creative/active: dancing, sports, yoga, finger-painting, sculpture/ceramics
- not punished me over the behavior or treated it as a nasty/dirty/childish/shameful habit
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 12:34 PM on March 15, 2022 [10 favorites]


I bit my nails as a child, and still sometimes do as an adult when A) my anxiety or stress levels are high and B) my nails are too long. I have enough self control that I don't bite my nails around other people, and I don't seem to have any side effects (nail/skin/tooth damage, infection, illness, etc ) so I am not concerned about it for myself.

As a kid, my parents did try to break the habit for me and I have negative feelings about it. I vividly remember the bitter tasting polish--how they would forcibly apply it, and how annoying it was to have something on my body that I didn't want and couldn't remove. Unless there is a health reason to do so, I would not force her to break the habit if you don't have her buy-in. That's a better lesson in bodily autonomy than I got as a kid.

As an adult, what helps is:
-having a nail file at my desk (where I tend to experience stress).
-I only use a nail file to groom my nails. I dislike most nail clippers, although I don't mind the gentle baby clippers so maybe experiment with different tools and see if they helps any. I actually feel more of an urge to bite my nails after using clippers, fwiw.
-Filing my nails regularly so they don't get too long.
-Wearing pretty nail polish that I don't want to ruin.
-Having something else to redirect that energy. Fidgets, small sewing/craft projects, even video games occupy my hands and give me something to do with myself.
posted by jessica fletcher did it at 12:37 PM on March 15, 2022 [1 favorite]


I was a nail biter. I stopped about 20 years ago because it's a tiresome habit on your teeth. Let her dentist talk to her about the hygiene of biting one's nails. The amount of germs one picks and keeps in their mouth and throat throughout the day and the amount of transferable material between surfaces. Yuck. Also, buy her a really nice old set of stainless steel nail clippers and engrave her name in every last one of them so she'll feel extra proud to use it. Nail clippers no one else uses are a luxury, as you know.
posted by parmanparman at 12:49 PM on March 15, 2022


In my opinion, I would not suggest trying hard to get her specifically to stop biting her nails. As others have said, it is likely that there is anxiety or other things driving the behavior. You might though, if needed, encourage her not to bite in a way that causes bleeding or open wounds, as that may lead to infections.

She may not outgrow it. She will be ok even if she does not out grow it.
posted by bruinfan at 12:49 PM on March 15, 2022 [2 favorites]


I suggest talking to your child's doctor or finding a behavioral specialist to help with this.

From a behavioral standpoint, "stop biting your nails" is the wrong framing. That's like telling someone, "don't think of an elephant." Instead, you should try to find some other substitute behavior that is incompatible with nail biting, and encourage/reward that.

You can also reward very small amounts of success. A whole day is way too long for you child your daughter's age. Instead, you could (for example), reward her for going 30 minutes without biting her nails. Or even 15 minutes. (Rewards of that granularity require some kind of sticker chart system, of course.)

And you can practice: sit together on the couch for a minute with hands on knees. Do that with her for a minute, and then give her the reward.

I don't have time to write more now, but I'd encourage you to take a behavioral approach to this. It's not as simply as just getting her to stop.
posted by Winnie the Proust at 12:57 PM on March 15, 2022


I bite my nails. Never even occurred to me that it was unsightly or noticeable or harmful in any way, really. My nails are just short. I don't bite my toenails (wow! I admire the agility involved, though!), or my hangnails, or cause wounds or do this in public or anything like that that might make it a problem. If those aspects can be modified I don't think this has to be a big deal. I mean, surely our pre-bronze-age ancestors did it. ;)
posted by shadygrove at 1:38 PM on March 15, 2022 [1 favorite]


I went from sucking my thumb to biting my nails and I just kept on going. I am 48 now, and I bite them obsessively, which frequently gives me serious pain and is annoying as hell for my partner. I wish someone had made me stop 40 years ago, but I don't know if it would have been possible. I had the awful-tasting liquid but then I'd just pick. When I was a kid, I did sometimes bite my toenails - never since. But with the fingers I despair, it seems unstoppable now.
posted by cincinnatus c at 1:52 PM on March 15, 2022 [1 favorite]


I found https://www.bfrb.org/learn-about-bfrbs and their linked guide to be informative.
posted by watermelon at 2:02 PM on March 15, 2022


Response by poster: Thanks everyone. To be clear, I have these disorders (and one of the earliest documented cases of trich, since before I was 2) and was shamed and yelled at by my parents for them, so I know the big no nos. Like many of you, I wish someone had intervened positively. I'm going to explore options through mental health professionals.
posted by MisantropicPainforest at 2:27 PM on March 15, 2022 [5 favorites]


My kiddo was constantly nibbling at her nails at that age, too. Applying a coat of Mavala was the most effective thing we tried. While she didn’t like it (it has a bitter taste), it was an incredibly impactful deterrent that eliminated the need for nagging, reminders, or emotionally charged conversations. Even now, as a pre-teen, she will apply a coat of Mavala herself if she notices herself biting her nails.
posted by WaspEnterprises at 3:06 PM on March 15, 2022


Sometimes adults are skeptical of (or at least baffled by) play therapy. If you're looking into therapy for her--and it sounds like you have good reason to, given your mental health history and her apparent anxiety--you may be expecting or hoping to find a therapist who will teach her concrete capital-C coping skills as alternatives to nail biting, like deep breathing or using fidget toys. And those things are great, don't get me wrong. But the best practice in therapy for young kids like yours is play therapy. Play is how kids communicate, process, and express big experiences and emotions. Right now, your daughter probably doesn't understand that her nail-biting is at all related to what's going on inside her emotionally. Part of what play therapy can do is bring to the surface some of the underlying worries, fears, or agitations that she's soothing by biting her nails. Play therapy can also resolve some of these things (for instance, if there's a specific fear that's troubling her), and the experience of resolving big tough emotional things through play can have an overall positive impact on her ability to imagine herself being ok again when the next big emotional thing hits. It can also help her to build better awareness of her own emotions and needs. You deserved this, too, when you were little.
posted by theotherdurassister at 3:55 PM on March 15, 2022 [2 favorites]


Something that really helped me was learning how to groom and care for my nails. Bare Hands is a brand that makes a more natural nail care set that I personally love but any nail file and good smelling cuticle oil is fine. Basically the time I would have spent biting is time spent filing edges and oiling away dry spots. Similar compulsion but a better outcome for me.
posted by coldbabyshrimp at 4:00 PM on March 15, 2022 [3 favorites]


I started compulsively chewing on my cuticles, nails and the skin around my fingers at 6 and haven't stopped (I'm now in my late 20's). I have sadly not outgrown it and have spent years in therapy tackling my anxiety, attention issues and overall feelings of shame around this specific habit.

What I wish my parents would have done to help: Left me alone when I WAS in the middle of biting/chewing episode. Sat down with me when I was seemingly calm, happy and possibly engulfed in a fun activity and asked me what sort of feelings came up when I felt the need to chew and what it felt like after I finished. Even if she can't answer that question, maybe she'll think on it the next time she starts nail-biting. As others have mentioned, she is fulfilling a particular need, try and help her to gradually understand what that need may be.

I now know that it was all anxiety-based for me, and something that helps me with mental and physical stimulation so that I'm present, focused and less restless when I'm sitting around. As others have mentioned, some fidget toys, knitting, play-doh/slimes would be an awesome and fun way to redirect her attention. My therapist has helped me understand that what I needed back then were tools to self-soothe, but to also be soothed by my care-givers (I lacked that support and was entirely alone when I felt anxious, scared, worried and even bored)

Last thing I'd suggest: please do not make her feel like it's a very very bad thing because she likely doesn't even know why she does it, so carrying the association that she now has an unfixable/unwanted habit because her family said-so could cause a bit of harm in that regard. It made me shut down as a kid and here I am many years later, still struggling with their perception of my habit.

I hope you both find some relief and support. Feel free to message me privately if you ever need.
posted by travelingthyme at 4:15 PM on March 15, 2022 [2 favorites]


I’m not a biter but I do pick my cuticles. Three things reduce the frequency, although at age 40 I’m pretty sure the urge will always be here.

1) keep my nails cut short. Very short. (Works out well with my two major hobbies of rock climbing and juggling; might work less well if she actually needs nails). I use clippers but I keep a pair everywhere so they are always at hand; if I notice myself picking I can clip instead.

2) apply cuticle cream. I use Burt’s bees but there’s lots of options. I apply it every night; keeps the skin around my nails soft so it’s less likely that I will try to pick it.

3) Fidget toys. For me I find something I can chew on useful; as a kid I definitely chewed on any pencils or pens. I got a few chew toys that are better for my teeth and safer to chew on. I don’t use it a ton now, but I got a Klein-bottle necklace (chewable jewelry) that worked for some time. I think I would have liked that much better as a kid than just getting yelled at for chewing my pencils and pens. Plus my dentist would have been happier. (For what it’s worth I don’t think I would have liked a fidget spinners; they seem much more obtrusive to me and I hated being noticeable in any way, but your mileage and kid may vary).
posted by nat at 6:38 PM on March 15, 2022


Thank you for being on top of the mental/emotional side of things for your kid!

Besides trying to find out 'why' I bit my nails etc., the main thing I wish my parents had done was taught me to file my nails. My nails were usually too short to clip, and I literally didn't know until I was an adult that there were other options than clippers and biting for a ragged fingernail. I thought nail files were for ladies with fancy nails to make them shinier or something.

Dry skin/cuticles were also issues I didn't find solutions for until adulthood, because the lotions I was familiar with were horrible sensory experiences. There are little brush/pen dispensers for cuticle oil that work very well for me, because they limit the goo to the backs of my fingers; applying any kind of lotion in the shower also helps me with this.

Getting a manicure was just totally not the kind of thing we did in my family (and I had similar messages about, and reactions too, ideas of fancy nails and femininity) - but I actually think it could have been made into a fun and positive experience, or at least a way to learn about more grooming options.
posted by heyforfour at 5:31 AM on March 16, 2022


So many good suggestions above. I'd nth a behavioral, positive approach. I bit my nails my entire childhood and adolescence (i was really, really good at it, and could get a very fine edge). It was 100% a stress response, and maybe a tactile thing because I didn't like the way nail clipper felt when they snapped all the way through the nail. I didn't stop when my father growled "fingerrrrrs" at me for my whole childhood, and I didn't stop when I was obviously harming my teeth.

I stopped when I started traveling for work at ~25yo, and I was sitting on an airplane absent-mindedly lifting my finger to my mouth, and I realized how filthy airports and airplanes are, and I was about to put my hand near my face? Hell, no. Just no. I can still bite a perfect edge on my nail if I don't have scissors handy, but only clean hands and not in an airplane ahmigodno.
posted by adekllny at 8:05 AM on March 16, 2022


« Older This building used to be a (truck stop restaurant)...   |   Smoke detector that doesn't buzz? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.