Advice on seeking a new therapist
February 28, 2022 9:02 AM Subscribe
I need a new therapist! I find the process of finding a good therapist really stressful and draining. Does anyone have any tips to get through this period, and also to help me find the right person?
TL;DR: I need a new therapist but the search is draining me emotionally and I don't know how to be confident I'll pick the right one.
I had a really excellent 6-month relationship with my previous therapist but sadly, thanks to circumstances/scheduling clashes, I cannot continue with them.
My previous therapist was genuinely brilliant. They seemed to 'get' me and my issues without expending any extra effort. I have a lot of POC and third culture kid specific things going on that they understood in a flash despite being white. Also, they were excellent at respecting my boundaries and maintaining theirs, while at the same time providing a really safe space for me. I found it so easy to open up and talk to them. I talk a lot, and talk fast, but I never felt too much for this person. I felt like they liked me and appreciated me as a person, while at the same time I felt completely safe that they would not impose any emotional demands on me or attach to me (this is a thing I have bad experiences with). We had good conversational chemistry - they got my expressions and cultural reference points without really having to try. For what it's worth, they were roughly my age and gender and it seemed like we were in agreement about various social and cultural things.
If I hadn't had this one successful relationship under my belt I would assume that I was incapable of forming a therapeutic relationship because with every other therapist I've tried, I've felt like they haven't been able to understand me, and the act of opening myself up to people who don't get it has always left me feeling very vulnerable and churned up.
So I've recently started trying to find a new therapist. I had a 'getting to know you' appointment with one person who, without the slightest pretext, started telling me all about another client's issues. I decided not to go ahead with her. I had an introductory zoom call with a different therapist, who seemed bizarrely hostile and accusatory, but wanted to work with me anyway. I decided not to go ahead with him either. I also had a session with a person who was very warm and clearly liked me, but I found her too keen to 'get to the bottom of me', asking questions in our first session that I didn't feel ready to answer, until I was crying. Then she started talking about her father!?!?
I'm in the UK and using the BACP directory. Basically you read the profiles and contact them if it seems like they might be a good fit. I'm self-referred. I'm not depressed or anything so can't get an NHS referral.
With each of these therapists I picked them because they seemed like they would be a good fit for me based on their BACP profile. With each of them the conversation ended with me agreeing to work with them; then feeling horribly anxious for hours/days until I got back in touch to say I'd changed my mind and wouldn't be proceeding with them, in each case providing a bogus excuse.
I find these encounters so distressing and draining, like I've opened up and felt forced to expose my most vulnerable, personal side to people whom I cannot trust and do not like. Then I feel bad with myself for (1) opening up at all; (2) not feeling able to ride out the bad feeling for a few more sessions by which time maybe it would get better.
My questions:
How can I find someone who suits me when it feels like the vast majority of therapists I've spoken to are, if not outright weird, then just kind of wrong for me in a way I can't put my finger on? I am using the keywords my previous therapist suggested: integrative, humanistic, person-centred.
How can I stop feeling so freaked out/vulnerable/weird when I have an initial conversation that doesn't go well? Is this feeling something I should push through and persevere with the person anyway or should I trust my gut?
I'm going through a lot of stuff right now, and I have lots of long-term things to work on, especially anxiety around making decisions, and around maintaining my boundaries and healthy relationships, and I think those things are raising their ugly head here.
Appreciate your help, Mefites!
TL;DR: I need a new therapist but the search is draining me emotionally and I don't know how to be confident I'll pick the right one.
I had a really excellent 6-month relationship with my previous therapist but sadly, thanks to circumstances/scheduling clashes, I cannot continue with them.
My previous therapist was genuinely brilliant. They seemed to 'get' me and my issues without expending any extra effort. I have a lot of POC and third culture kid specific things going on that they understood in a flash despite being white. Also, they were excellent at respecting my boundaries and maintaining theirs, while at the same time providing a really safe space for me. I found it so easy to open up and talk to them. I talk a lot, and talk fast, but I never felt too much for this person. I felt like they liked me and appreciated me as a person, while at the same time I felt completely safe that they would not impose any emotional demands on me or attach to me (this is a thing I have bad experiences with). We had good conversational chemistry - they got my expressions and cultural reference points without really having to try. For what it's worth, they were roughly my age and gender and it seemed like we were in agreement about various social and cultural things.
If I hadn't had this one successful relationship under my belt I would assume that I was incapable of forming a therapeutic relationship because with every other therapist I've tried, I've felt like they haven't been able to understand me, and the act of opening myself up to people who don't get it has always left me feeling very vulnerable and churned up.
So I've recently started trying to find a new therapist. I had a 'getting to know you' appointment with one person who, without the slightest pretext, started telling me all about another client's issues. I decided not to go ahead with her. I had an introductory zoom call with a different therapist, who seemed bizarrely hostile and accusatory, but wanted to work with me anyway. I decided not to go ahead with him either. I also had a session with a person who was very warm and clearly liked me, but I found her too keen to 'get to the bottom of me', asking questions in our first session that I didn't feel ready to answer, until I was crying. Then she started talking about her father!?!?
I'm in the UK and using the BACP directory. Basically you read the profiles and contact them if it seems like they might be a good fit. I'm self-referred. I'm not depressed or anything so can't get an NHS referral.
With each of these therapists I picked them because they seemed like they would be a good fit for me based on their BACP profile. With each of them the conversation ended with me agreeing to work with them; then feeling horribly anxious for hours/days until I got back in touch to say I'd changed my mind and wouldn't be proceeding with them, in each case providing a bogus excuse.
I find these encounters so distressing and draining, like I've opened up and felt forced to expose my most vulnerable, personal side to people whom I cannot trust and do not like. Then I feel bad with myself for (1) opening up at all; (2) not feeling able to ride out the bad feeling for a few more sessions by which time maybe it would get better.
My questions:
How can I find someone who suits me when it feels like the vast majority of therapists I've spoken to are, if not outright weird, then just kind of wrong for me in a way I can't put my finger on? I am using the keywords my previous therapist suggested: integrative, humanistic, person-centred.
How can I stop feeling so freaked out/vulnerable/weird when I have an initial conversation that doesn't go well? Is this feeling something I should push through and persevere with the person anyway or should I trust my gut?
I'm going through a lot of stuff right now, and I have lots of long-term things to work on, especially anxiety around making decisions, and around maintaining my boundaries and healthy relationships, and I think those things are raising their ugly head here.
Appreciate your help, Mefites!
I think you're doing a fabulous job of looking for a new therapist, but you're just having really bad luck running into professionals who are acting unprofessional. Let me explain it like this: there's two broad categories of reasons why you may have bad reactions to a therapist:
1) When the therapist does something unprofessional, like talk about other patients or their own dads or pressuring you to the point of tears.
2) When you have a bad gut feeling about someone for no "real" reason.
I hope you know that (1) is always a good enough reason to move on to a new therapist, without ignoring your perceptions. The only time you might be advised to reconsider is when you already have a long and established good relationship with a therapist, and their unprofessionalism was a small one-off event, and/or an understandable human failure (which they should be willing to talk through with you and make right regardless).
If you're experiencing (2), then maybe you "ride out the bad feelings" IF YOU ALREADY HAVE AN ESTABLISHED GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR THERAPIST. "Riding out bad feelings" is not something you do when you're first looking for a therapist... it's something you might do when you're already in the thick of your treatment.
When you've already started working with them, and after a couple of months (or more), even though the therapist hasn't done anything outside the ordinary, you start feeling uncomfortable - like maybe wishing you could stop therapy, or angry with your therapist, or jealous or anxious or avoidant or desperate to increase closeness with your therapist or [insert any other big feeling] - that is when you hang in there, don't run away, and work through these feelings with your therapist's help.
But in the very beginning, when you don't know them yet and you haven't built a relationship yet and you haven't started working with them yet, you MUST act on your gut feeling. That gut feeling is what alerts you to a good therapeutic match, and it's what warns you of a bad one. Don't override the gut feeling. You may very well reject therapists who are great on paper - and that's okay, that's good, that's how it's supposed to work. You're not being unfair.
Your entire job at this point is to find a therapist who not only seems great on a rational, objective level but also ~feels~ great on a gut level. It's necessary for you to feel safe at a subconscious level in order for the therapy to work well.
posted by MiraK at 9:44 AM on February 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
1) When the therapist does something unprofessional, like talk about other patients or their own dads or pressuring you to the point of tears.
2) When you have a bad gut feeling about someone for no "real" reason.
I hope you know that (1) is always a good enough reason to move on to a new therapist, without ignoring your perceptions. The only time you might be advised to reconsider is when you already have a long and established good relationship with a therapist, and their unprofessionalism was a small one-off event, and/or an understandable human failure (which they should be willing to talk through with you and make right regardless).
If you're experiencing (2), then maybe you "ride out the bad feelings" IF YOU ALREADY HAVE AN ESTABLISHED GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR THERAPIST. "Riding out bad feelings" is not something you do when you're first looking for a therapist... it's something you might do when you're already in the thick of your treatment.
When you've already started working with them, and after a couple of months (or more), even though the therapist hasn't done anything outside the ordinary, you start feeling uncomfortable - like maybe wishing you could stop therapy, or angry with your therapist, or jealous or anxious or avoidant or desperate to increase closeness with your therapist or [insert any other big feeling] - that is when you hang in there, don't run away, and work through these feelings with your therapist's help.
But in the very beginning, when you don't know them yet and you haven't built a relationship yet and you haven't started working with them yet, you MUST act on your gut feeling. That gut feeling is what alerts you to a good therapeutic match, and it's what warns you of a bad one. Don't override the gut feeling. You may very well reject therapists who are great on paper - and that's okay, that's good, that's how it's supposed to work. You're not being unfair.
Your entire job at this point is to find a therapist who not only seems great on a rational, objective level but also ~feels~ great on a gut level. It's necessary for you to feel safe at a subconscious level in order for the therapy to work well.
posted by MiraK at 9:44 AM on February 28, 2022 [2 favorites]
I feel you so hard on this question. Finding a good therapist SUCKS. And there are lots of bad therapists out there (as you have experienced!).
Since you're POC, I would look for a therapist who's POC as well, but this isn't a guarantee that they're going to be a good fit. I also know POC therapists are few and far between.
>With each of them the conversation ended with me agreeing to work with them
Maybe practice saying "Thank you for your time, but I don't think this is a good fit for me." Don't say yes when you mean no!! And yes, absolutely, trust your gut. That's what it's there for! And if things take a weird turn, don't be afraid to say something like, "Whoa, I'm not comfortable with where this convo is going. I'd like to end the call here. Thanks for your time." Click. Maybe doing so is awkward and out of your comfort zone, but you've already been through some awkward and uncomfortable shit! At least doing this puts you more in control.
In terms of finding someone, maybe change up your keywords. How about "third culture," along with racism, immigration, migration...
I take it your previous therapist has no recommendations for another one?
Have you asked friends for recommendations? I was having such a hard time finding a good therapist for my school-age daughter and all it took was mentioning it to a friend. She in turn asked another friend (with my permission), I contacted them and boom, they turned out to be awesome. SUCH a relief.
Given that you couldn't continue with your first therapist because of scheduling and circumstances, is it possible to go back to them if your circumstances change again?
Do you have EAP through work? Is it possible to ask them for some referrals to therapists? Or go through your GP?
Here's a good article on finding a therapist.
posted by foxjacket at 4:25 PM on February 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
Since you're POC, I would look for a therapist who's POC as well, but this isn't a guarantee that they're going to be a good fit. I also know POC therapists are few and far between.
>With each of them the conversation ended with me agreeing to work with them
Maybe practice saying "Thank you for your time, but I don't think this is a good fit for me." Don't say yes when you mean no!! And yes, absolutely, trust your gut. That's what it's there for! And if things take a weird turn, don't be afraid to say something like, "Whoa, I'm not comfortable with where this convo is going. I'd like to end the call here. Thanks for your time." Click. Maybe doing so is awkward and out of your comfort zone, but you've already been through some awkward and uncomfortable shit! At least doing this puts you more in control.
In terms of finding someone, maybe change up your keywords. How about "third culture," along with racism, immigration, migration...
I take it your previous therapist has no recommendations for another one?
Have you asked friends for recommendations? I was having such a hard time finding a good therapist for my school-age daughter and all it took was mentioning it to a friend. She in turn asked another friend (with my permission), I contacted them and boom, they turned out to be awesome. SUCH a relief.
Given that you couldn't continue with your first therapist because of scheduling and circumstances, is it possible to go back to them if your circumstances change again?
Do you have EAP through work? Is it possible to ask them for some referrals to therapists? Or go through your GP?
Here's a good article on finding a therapist.
posted by foxjacket at 4:25 PM on February 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
If you have a way to contact your old therapist, is it possible to ask them for a referral? Presumably they have professional colleagues, and knowing you as well as they do, it's possible they may know of someone who they think could be a good fit for you.
posted by decathecting at 9:30 PM on February 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by decathecting at 9:30 PM on February 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
Finding the right therapist is SO HARD.
In terms of advice on how to get through this time, it's tough to say without knowing more about what's going on with you. But in general, during what you know will be a tough time, it is a good idea to build up/lean into whatever is supporting you (friendships, hobbies, community, fanfic); ease up on whatever is stressing you (minimize extra work or stressful social obligations, spring for taxi more often, get food delivered, send your laundry out, etc); and put a very high priority on getting sufficient sleep every night and some movement every day (walking outdoors in nature is especially good for this).
Depending what you're dealing with, maybe you can find some supportive communities or forums online as well.
In terms of finding the right person, can you email them and ask questions in advance? If I were looking now, I think I would ask things like:
1) Which scholars are the biggest influence on your therapeutic practice?
2) What professional or professional-adjacent books/scholarship are you currently/recently reading that you are impressed with?
I think their answers and how they answer (if they answered) would help me get a better idea of whether they were a potential fit for me than asking about modalities or experience, where the answers to me seem both generic and somewhat unreliable.
Good luck!!
posted by Salamandrous at 2:08 PM on March 4, 2022
In terms of advice on how to get through this time, it's tough to say without knowing more about what's going on with you. But in general, during what you know will be a tough time, it is a good idea to build up/lean into whatever is supporting you (friendships, hobbies, community, fanfic); ease up on whatever is stressing you (minimize extra work or stressful social obligations, spring for taxi more often, get food delivered, send your laundry out, etc); and put a very high priority on getting sufficient sleep every night and some movement every day (walking outdoors in nature is especially good for this).
Depending what you're dealing with, maybe you can find some supportive communities or forums online as well.
In terms of finding the right person, can you email them and ask questions in advance? If I were looking now, I think I would ask things like:
1) Which scholars are the biggest influence on your therapeutic practice?
2) What professional or professional-adjacent books/scholarship are you currently/recently reading that you are impressed with?
I think their answers and how they answer (if they answered) would help me get a better idea of whether they were a potential fit for me than asking about modalities or experience, where the answers to me seem both generic and somewhat unreliable.
Good luck!!
posted by Salamandrous at 2:08 PM on March 4, 2022
This thread is closed to new comments.
I also had a session with a person who was very warm and clearly liked me
This should be 'two sessions'... Sorry!
posted by unicorn chaser at 9:09 AM on February 28, 2022