Flashbacks of past trauma
February 22, 2022 10:58 PM Subscribe
There are several traumatic events in my past that keep popping up in my mind, especially at night. None of them are recent, the most recent one happened more than a decade ago, but the memories still seem very vivid and disturbingly detailed. How can I stop these flashbacks, or at least make them less frequent or intense?
I'm usually able to go about my day without these memories distracting me too much. If I get a flashback during the day, it doesn't usually last more than a couple of seconds and doesn't really affect me as there are so many other things I can focus on instead.
But I get these flashbacks mostly at night and it seems to be getting worse over time. It happens almost every time I wake up at night - bathroom trip, my partner snoring or whatever. Sometimes I just wake up without any apparent cause. What usually happens is that one of these memories will pop up in my mind, and unless I manage to fall right back asleep, the memory becomes so intense I'm soon wide awake, reliving the event until my brain decides to remind me of some other traumatic experience and this can go on for several hours. Fun. Occasionally some of the memories make me cry uncontrollably for a minute or two. And I'm often exhausted the following day, which is starting to affect my work performance and other aspects of my life as these night flashbacks seem to be getting more frequent.
I never spoke about these events with a therapist, or anyone else ever (some of the events are known to my closest family members, but we haven't talked about them nor acknowledged them in any way since they happened). These events are connected with strong feelings of fear, guilt, shame or anger, and one event in particular is so traumatic I still find it hard to believe it actually happened to me. Just thinking about these events brings back vivid memories as I relive them over and over again, so I don't think I'd be able to talk about them, not even to a therapist.
I would like to learn about strategies or techniques that actually worked for you or someone you know. Anything really. I suppose most of you will suggest therapy, but would a therapist be able to help without me having to go into detail about what happened? I really don't want to share these disturbing memories with anyone. I've been carrying this trauma for years as some horrible, dark secret and I don't want others to feel sorry for me, and they most likely would if they knew. It feels like the less people know about them, the less relevant these events are, if that makes any sense? If I'm the only one having "access" to these memories, I can go on pretending it didn't happen, or that it doesn't matter, which makes me feel more in control. So I'm looking for ways of dealing with this by myself, if possible.
I'm usually able to go about my day without these memories distracting me too much. If I get a flashback during the day, it doesn't usually last more than a couple of seconds and doesn't really affect me as there are so many other things I can focus on instead.
But I get these flashbacks mostly at night and it seems to be getting worse over time. It happens almost every time I wake up at night - bathroom trip, my partner snoring or whatever. Sometimes I just wake up without any apparent cause. What usually happens is that one of these memories will pop up in my mind, and unless I manage to fall right back asleep, the memory becomes so intense I'm soon wide awake, reliving the event until my brain decides to remind me of some other traumatic experience and this can go on for several hours. Fun. Occasionally some of the memories make me cry uncontrollably for a minute or two. And I'm often exhausted the following day, which is starting to affect my work performance and other aspects of my life as these night flashbacks seem to be getting more frequent.
I never spoke about these events with a therapist, or anyone else ever (some of the events are known to my closest family members, but we haven't talked about them nor acknowledged them in any way since they happened). These events are connected with strong feelings of fear, guilt, shame or anger, and one event in particular is so traumatic I still find it hard to believe it actually happened to me. Just thinking about these events brings back vivid memories as I relive them over and over again, so I don't think I'd be able to talk about them, not even to a therapist.
I would like to learn about strategies or techniques that actually worked for you or someone you know. Anything really. I suppose most of you will suggest therapy, but would a therapist be able to help without me having to go into detail about what happened? I really don't want to share these disturbing memories with anyone. I've been carrying this trauma for years as some horrible, dark secret and I don't want others to feel sorry for me, and they most likely would if they knew. It feels like the less people know about them, the less relevant these events are, if that makes any sense? If I'm the only one having "access" to these memories, I can go on pretending it didn't happen, or that it doesn't matter, which makes me feel more in control. So I'm looking for ways of dealing with this by myself, if possible.
You might be interested in EMDR, which doesn’t require you to tell the therapist much (anything?) about the event. I haven’t done it but a friend with serious trauma did it and got great relief.
posted by hungrytiger at 11:13 PM on February 22, 2022 [13 favorites]
posted by hungrytiger at 11:13 PM on February 22, 2022 [13 favorites]
That sounds like it's very hard and scary. I'm sorry to hear you have to live with this at present. I'm not a doctor or counsellor and this isn't professional advice.
Get more help from your therapist, I think you've underestimated the scale of this trauma. Smell is powerful, so some nice scents associated with safety now can break a dissociation. Maybe scented oils on your pillow will avoid your brain thinking this trauma will happen again.
The hard journey is to relive and re-process those mentored so you can put them somewhere labelled "I survived this." Thatc should let you acknowledge and let-fly-past thoughts when they pop up.
posted by k3ninho at 11:13 PM on February 22, 2022 [1 favorite]
Get more help from your therapist, I think you've underestimated the scale of this trauma. Smell is powerful, so some nice scents associated with safety now can break a dissociation. Maybe scented oils on your pillow will avoid your brain thinking this trauma will happen again.
The hard journey is to relive and re-process those mentored so you can put them somewhere labelled "I survived this." Thatc should let you acknowledge and let-fly-past thoughts when they pop up.
posted by k3ninho at 11:13 PM on February 22, 2022 [1 favorite]
There is something to be said for you having this experience at night, when you are presumably safe and in a quiet, comfortable space. It sounds like you are finally beginning to process your trauma, which can lead to a much more stable and healthy outlook going forward. It’s good, ultimately, that you are feeling safe enough to even feel this way.
What’s not good is retraumatizing yourself with memories, getting no or very poor sleep, and burying your trauma and refusing to even share things with a therapist. It’s all very normal, but not ideal. I think you should take this as a signal to get your care team together.
If you have a psychiatrist, speak to them about medication to help you sleep through the night or get back to sleep from sudden waking. If you don’t, a regular doctor can help with the meds too, they will just be less knowledgeable about your options and would benefit from speaking with your therapist. If you have a therapist, talk to them about processing trauma and different techniques. If your therapist can do EMDR, that’s legit and absolutely worth a try. If they aren’t comfortable with that, ask for recommendations for different practitioners to call, and for different styles of therapy and counseling that would help.
The thing here is that you have a very concrete goal, which is awesome. You want to stop experiencing flashbacks to these events, be able to sleep through the night, and hopefully process your trauma. That is awesome because it’s something a therapist, psychiatrist, and general practitioner can focus in on and really help you manage. There are ways to help without you going into specifics, although there are ways to help you feel like it’s okay to go into specifics, too. Giving them light without giving them power, so to speak.
There are other types of people you can consider part of your team that aren’t medical professionals. People like your partner, long term friends, and even activity partners. You don’t need to tell everyone everything, but for example, if you have a yoga buddy, you might tell them you’re working on something in therapy and ask if they would want to regularly schedule a longer gentle session after your appointment days. If you have an old friend who you like to hang out with, you could spend extra time with them just relaxing and doing frivolous things to remind you of life’s joys when you have trouble shaking your memories. You could ask your partner to help coordinate doctor visits and communication, or rearrange your sleeping arrangements so things are easier for you to fall back asleep. There are many ways and people that can help you take care of yourself, and reflecting on that is a big part of realizing you’re not alone and absolutely can make progress on your problems.
posted by Mizu at 12:03 AM on February 23, 2022 [4 favorites]
What’s not good is retraumatizing yourself with memories, getting no or very poor sleep, and burying your trauma and refusing to even share things with a therapist. It’s all very normal, but not ideal. I think you should take this as a signal to get your care team together.
If you have a psychiatrist, speak to them about medication to help you sleep through the night or get back to sleep from sudden waking. If you don’t, a regular doctor can help with the meds too, they will just be less knowledgeable about your options and would benefit from speaking with your therapist. If you have a therapist, talk to them about processing trauma and different techniques. If your therapist can do EMDR, that’s legit and absolutely worth a try. If they aren’t comfortable with that, ask for recommendations for different practitioners to call, and for different styles of therapy and counseling that would help.
The thing here is that you have a very concrete goal, which is awesome. You want to stop experiencing flashbacks to these events, be able to sleep through the night, and hopefully process your trauma. That is awesome because it’s something a therapist, psychiatrist, and general practitioner can focus in on and really help you manage. There are ways to help without you going into specifics, although there are ways to help you feel like it’s okay to go into specifics, too. Giving them light without giving them power, so to speak.
There are other types of people you can consider part of your team that aren’t medical professionals. People like your partner, long term friends, and even activity partners. You don’t need to tell everyone everything, but for example, if you have a yoga buddy, you might tell them you’re working on something in therapy and ask if they would want to regularly schedule a longer gentle session after your appointment days. If you have an old friend who you like to hang out with, you could spend extra time with them just relaxing and doing frivolous things to remind you of life’s joys when you have trouble shaking your memories. You could ask your partner to help coordinate doctor visits and communication, or rearrange your sleeping arrangements so things are easier for you to fall back asleep. There are many ways and people that can help you take care of yourself, and reflecting on that is a big part of realizing you’re not alone and absolutely can make progress on your problems.
posted by Mizu at 12:03 AM on February 23, 2022 [4 favorites]
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I too had traumatic flashbacks and EMDR freed me from them - and from the feelings of guilt shame anger and fear I was carrying, as these feelings were also part of trauma. The way my therapist explained it to me, the flashbacks were a brain-wiring issue not an emotional-processing issue, so emotional processing wasn't part of my EMDR therapy and I did not have to talk in the EMDR process about the traumatic experiences. Instead the therapy of EMDR is based on the eye movements of REM sleep. My therapist said that the EMDR would not erase my traumatic memories but it would stop me from feeling like they were happening NOW, and that is indeed what EMDR accomplished. I don't find myself flashing back into the trauma anymore. Instead those memories are like photographs that have been time-stamped and filed away. I know they happened and could take them out and look at them if I wanted to (I don't want to) but I do not re-experience them anymore which is a huge life-changing relief. The way I found my therapist was to google EMDR and then chat on the phone with a few therapists who said that was their specialty until I found someone who really felt right. There are good people out there who will help you with this and it will free you. I wish you all happiness and peace.
posted by not_that_lilibet at 12:49 AM on February 23, 2022 [9 favorites]
posted by not_that_lilibet at 12:49 AM on February 23, 2022 [9 favorites]
Yes, a therapist will be able to help without going into detail.
I just want to share the common observation that our brains hang onto these things until we are ready to deal with them. “I’m finally at a stable place in my life and now all of these bad memories are coming back” is not an uncommon experience.
However you end up addressing the situation, rest assured that you are primed to succeed.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:37 AM on February 23, 2022
I just want to share the common observation that our brains hang onto these things until we are ready to deal with them. “I’m finally at a stable place in my life and now all of these bad memories are coming back” is not an uncommon experience.
However you end up addressing the situation, rest assured that you are primed to succeed.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:37 AM on February 23, 2022
Agree with Mizu!
This could very well be a sign that these awful things are resurfacing because their time to be dealt with has come around at last.
In particular, you now seem to be having the appropriate emotions for and physical reactions to your experiences, which is not especially common for really traumatic experiences at the time they’re happening. Many if not most people freeze up in the face of awful and unavoidable trauma.
posted by jamjam at 1:46 AM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
This could very well be a sign that these awful things are resurfacing because their time to be dealt with has come around at last.
In particular, you now seem to be having the appropriate emotions for and physical reactions to your experiences, which is not especially common for really traumatic experiences at the time they’re happening. Many if not most people freeze up in the face of awful and unavoidable trauma.
posted by jamjam at 1:46 AM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
If I'm the only one having "access" to these memories, I can go on pretending it didn't happen, or that it doesn't matter, which makes me feel more in control.
As you're currently in the process of finding out, pretending is not at all the same thing as correcting, and feeling more in control is not at all the same thing as being more in control. Trauma makes changes in body and brain that operate way below the level of conscious reason and voluntary control, and healing from trauma is a process of undoing those changes in order to transmute the memory of trauma into something merely horrible instead of the all-consuming re-living that it usually manifests as when left unaddressed.
First thing I'd recommend is getting up to speed on what trauma actually does to people on a physiological level. The Body Keeps The Score is an excellent introduction, and also offers guidance on several approaches to actually untying those deep seated knots instead of persisting in a doomed quest to try to encyst them. Some of those approaches involve therapists of various kinds, but once you actually understand what it is that you're trying to accomplish with their help and why doing that with help is far more likely to succeed than trying on your own, I expect you'll be a fair bit more open to those options than you are right now.
The shame thing, by the way, is super common in people who have suffered trauma. But it's completely spurious - nobody ever chose to traumatize themselves; closest anybody ever gets to that is choosing to do something potentially traumatic while either denying or simply not understanding that it could be, or overestimating one's own ability to deal with it unscathed. But even those are rare cases: most trauma strikes out of the blue and causes instant and completely unavoidable total overwhelm.
Because trauma is by definition an experience that pushes a human being way past their ability to cope, inability to cope subsequent to trauma cannot be any kind of moral failing on the part of the traumatized person. A belief that it could be is simply not correct, and I cannot see how a competent trauma-educated therapist could possibly hold such a belief.
posted by flabdablet at 5:02 AM on February 23, 2022 [5 favorites]
As you're currently in the process of finding out, pretending is not at all the same thing as correcting, and feeling more in control is not at all the same thing as being more in control. Trauma makes changes in body and brain that operate way below the level of conscious reason and voluntary control, and healing from trauma is a process of undoing those changes in order to transmute the memory of trauma into something merely horrible instead of the all-consuming re-living that it usually manifests as when left unaddressed.
First thing I'd recommend is getting up to speed on what trauma actually does to people on a physiological level. The Body Keeps The Score is an excellent introduction, and also offers guidance on several approaches to actually untying those deep seated knots instead of persisting in a doomed quest to try to encyst them. Some of those approaches involve therapists of various kinds, but once you actually understand what it is that you're trying to accomplish with their help and why doing that with help is far more likely to succeed than trying on your own, I expect you'll be a fair bit more open to those options than you are right now.
The shame thing, by the way, is super common in people who have suffered trauma. But it's completely spurious - nobody ever chose to traumatize themselves; closest anybody ever gets to that is choosing to do something potentially traumatic while either denying or simply not understanding that it could be, or overestimating one's own ability to deal with it unscathed. But even those are rare cases: most trauma strikes out of the blue and causes instant and completely unavoidable total overwhelm.
Because trauma is by definition an experience that pushes a human being way past their ability to cope, inability to cope subsequent to trauma cannot be any kind of moral failing on the part of the traumatized person. A belief that it could be is simply not correct, and I cannot see how a competent trauma-educated therapist could possibly hold such a belief.
posted by flabdablet at 5:02 AM on February 23, 2022 [5 favorites]
Maybe, maybe not. Trauma flashbacks are their own whole thing, and they involve way more bodily responses than anything that could reasonably be labelled as mere thought.
Intrusive thoughts are susceptible to therapies based mostly on self-monitoring and learning to modify self-talk. Healing from trauma much less so, because the essence of the trauma flashback is that brain regions responsible for anything reasonably describable as any form of thought get physically shut down.
posted by flabdablet at 5:10 AM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
Intrusive thoughts are susceptible to therapies based mostly on self-monitoring and learning to modify self-talk. Healing from trauma much less so, because the essence of the trauma flashback is that brain regions responsible for anything reasonably describable as any form of thought get physically shut down.
posted by flabdablet at 5:10 AM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
My brother had PTSD, kept a runner band on his wrist, snapped it when he had intrusive thoughts, and always had a list of distraction topics. He often called friends and family to chat when the thoughts got unmanageable.
Hypnosis from a very qualified provider may help.
Therapy should be a given.
posted by theora55 at 6:37 AM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hypnosis from a very qualified provider may help.
Therapy should be a given.
posted by theora55 at 6:37 AM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
I had this. There was a traumatic image or series of images that appeared in my mind in certain situations, some of which didn't even seem related on the surface. Now the thought(s) rarely appears on a daily basis, and is not traumatic when it does resurface. I did not need to tell a therapist exactly what I was picturing (although I did at one point) for this to happen.
What I'm posting to tell you is not what worked -- you have good advice already -- but to let you know that it took a long time. This is valuable information I wish that I'd had. It will take a while, and there is not a reset button that you're failing to find.
posted by Countess Elena at 6:49 AM on February 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
What I'm posting to tell you is not what worked -- you have good advice already -- but to let you know that it took a long time. This is valuable information I wish that I'd had. It will take a while, and there is not a reset button that you're failing to find.
posted by Countess Elena at 6:49 AM on February 23, 2022 [2 favorites]
You mention that you haven't talked to a therapist about these flashbacks. Now is a very good time to find a responsive therapist you're comfortable with, not to necessarily reveal the contents of the flashbacks if you're not ready (a good therapist won't rush you to do this) but to be able to disclose that you are having these symptoms and to honestly explain what might be contributing. Vivid flashbacks and nightmares can be symptoms of Complex PTSD and talk therapy has made leaps and bounds in the past couple decades to help people heal. A good therapist will not think any less of you or feel burdened if you share some terrible things you experienced in life. They are there to help you unpack some of the tough stuff you have been carrying and to lighten your load.
While you are finding a good therapist, try to practice grounding exercises when these flashbacks occur to bring you back to the present. Here are a couple of exercises that are fairly common. The first is playing the game Categories with someone. The second is sitting somewhere with your feet flat on the ground. Take a breath on five counts, let it out on five counts. Name 5 things you see. Take another breath, five counts in five counts out. Name 4 things you hear. Take another steady breath. Name 3 things you physically feel. Another breath. 2 things you smell. Another breath. 1 thing you can taste.
Grounding exercises can help in the moment, but won't reduce the flashbacks you experience. And based on your question, the frequency is part of what you are dealing with. This is why therapy is so important. You are brave for seeking assistance and you can and will get to a better place than today.
posted by donut_princess at 7:14 AM on February 23, 2022
While you are finding a good therapist, try to practice grounding exercises when these flashbacks occur to bring you back to the present. Here are a couple of exercises that are fairly common. The first is playing the game Categories with someone. The second is sitting somewhere with your feet flat on the ground. Take a breath on five counts, let it out on five counts. Name 5 things you see. Take another breath, five counts in five counts out. Name 4 things you hear. Take another steady breath. Name 3 things you physically feel. Another breath. 2 things you smell. Another breath. 1 thing you can taste.
Grounding exercises can help in the moment, but won't reduce the flashbacks you experience. And based on your question, the frequency is part of what you are dealing with. This is why therapy is so important. You are brave for seeking assistance and you can and will get to a better place than today.
posted by donut_princess at 7:14 AM on February 23, 2022
Like donut_princess said my therapist asked me to do the grounding exercises too whenever a negative thought popped up. It has worked for me most of the times.You can find some of the techniques here
The one thing she emphasized was to try to suck an ice cube or splash cold water in the face or even a sip some cold water. I don't know how it works but it has helped me to calm down.
posted by SunPower at 9:03 AM on February 23, 2022
The one thing she emphasized was to try to suck an ice cube or splash cold water in the face or even a sip some cold water. I don't know how it works but it has helped me to calm down.
posted by SunPower at 9:03 AM on February 23, 2022
https://livingwell.org.au/well-being/mental-health/grounding-exercises/
posted by SunPower at 9:04 AM on February 23, 2022
posted by SunPower at 9:04 AM on February 23, 2022
I had success with a hypnotherapist to help me deal with recurring flashbacks and spiraling from some traumatic events. I really didn't think hypnosis could work for me until I finally tried it after meh experiences with traditional therapists.
posted by homesickness at 10:59 AM on February 23, 2022
posted by homesickness at 10:59 AM on February 23, 2022
I always called it “the film” of my dad’s last moments - I’ll spare you the details but it was traumatic. I saw it over and over in my mind for years until eventually I didn’t. I can call it up now but it’s fuzzier and harder to picture.
For many many years I took a friend out for drinks on every March 8th and told them about the film. The last time I needed to do that was March 8, 2018, twenty-three years after it happened. It takes time.
posted by bendy at 11:31 AM on February 23, 2022
For many many years I took a friend out for drinks on every March 8th and told them about the film. The last time I needed to do that was March 8, 2018, twenty-three years after it happened. It takes time.
posted by bendy at 11:31 AM on February 23, 2022
would a therapist be able to help without me having to go into detail about what happened?
Hello, I am a therapist. The short answer is yes, the longer answer is yes*. I've had several clients spend a long time referring to something they don't (yet) want to describe in detail, so they refer to, e.g., "The thing I did," or, "The thing that happened," and I say things like, "You have a lot of shame about this thing, and you think it's evidence you're a bad person. I don't know what the thing is, but it clearly went against your values and caused harm to you and/or others. I'll assume you did something genuinely harmful. I've worked with many people who have messed up and made choices that hurt others. I'm not going to assume what you did was fine or harmless. I'm also not going to assume what you did makes you deserve to be miserable forever. Deal?"
With EMDR, I need a little more detail to outline roughly what we're working on. It doesn't need to be super detailed, but something like, "When I was 16, I was in a car accident that was my fault, and someone died," or "Last year, I was the victim of a violent crime, and spent several weeks in the hospital," or, "I spent my twenties in an abusive relationship." And in taking the client's history, I'd ask questions like, has anything similar happened to you before? And, if the trauma was prolonged, can you give me some brief milestones of that experience? During reprocessing, I ask the client to call up the memory we're working on and focus on the image that represents the worst part. They might say, "I was staring at the hospital floor and it looked cold and dirty," and I ask them to focus on that while we do eye or hand movements. As we proceed, I occasionally ask, "What do you notice now?" (e.g., "The doctor was wearing a cheap watch") or "What do you feel in your body?" (e.g., "My chest feels tight"), and then ask them to focus on that as we continue. It's almost like the client is reading a book and I'm asking, "What's the theme of this chapter?" rather than, "Tell me the story."
I say the longer answer is yes* because right now, you're experiencing trauma memories--your brain has stored them like they are security footage that must be kept secret and analyzed over and over to ensure you never experience the trauma again. Your whole nervous system gets activated because it can't tell the difference between the memory and the threat somehow come back into your life. What EMDR (or any trauma therapy) is meant to do is to move the memories from trauma-storage to history-storage. When we think about memories of hard things that happened but don't get that full-body activation, that's history-storage. We think, "Wow, I feel sad that I had to go through that," without dissociating, feeling fight or flight, or otherwise having our nervous system spin up to respond to threat. As people move from trauma-storage to history-storage, they sometimes want to talk more about details they're having new insights about.
posted by theotherdurassister at 11:54 AM on February 23, 2022 [5 favorites]
Hello, I am a therapist. The short answer is yes, the longer answer is yes*. I've had several clients spend a long time referring to something they don't (yet) want to describe in detail, so they refer to, e.g., "The thing I did," or, "The thing that happened," and I say things like, "You have a lot of shame about this thing, and you think it's evidence you're a bad person. I don't know what the thing is, but it clearly went against your values and caused harm to you and/or others. I'll assume you did something genuinely harmful. I've worked with many people who have messed up and made choices that hurt others. I'm not going to assume what you did was fine or harmless. I'm also not going to assume what you did makes you deserve to be miserable forever. Deal?"
With EMDR, I need a little more detail to outline roughly what we're working on. It doesn't need to be super detailed, but something like, "When I was 16, I was in a car accident that was my fault, and someone died," or "Last year, I was the victim of a violent crime, and spent several weeks in the hospital," or, "I spent my twenties in an abusive relationship." And in taking the client's history, I'd ask questions like, has anything similar happened to you before? And, if the trauma was prolonged, can you give me some brief milestones of that experience? During reprocessing, I ask the client to call up the memory we're working on and focus on the image that represents the worst part. They might say, "I was staring at the hospital floor and it looked cold and dirty," and I ask them to focus on that while we do eye or hand movements. As we proceed, I occasionally ask, "What do you notice now?" (e.g., "The doctor was wearing a cheap watch") or "What do you feel in your body?" (e.g., "My chest feels tight"), and then ask them to focus on that as we continue. It's almost like the client is reading a book and I'm asking, "What's the theme of this chapter?" rather than, "Tell me the story."
I say the longer answer is yes* because right now, you're experiencing trauma memories--your brain has stored them like they are security footage that must be kept secret and analyzed over and over to ensure you never experience the trauma again. Your whole nervous system gets activated because it can't tell the difference between the memory and the threat somehow come back into your life. What EMDR (or any trauma therapy) is meant to do is to move the memories from trauma-storage to history-storage. When we think about memories of hard things that happened but don't get that full-body activation, that's history-storage. We think, "Wow, I feel sad that I had to go through that," without dissociating, feeling fight or flight, or otherwise having our nervous system spin up to respond to threat. As people move from trauma-storage to history-storage, they sometimes want to talk more about details they're having new insights about.
posted by theotherdurassister at 11:54 AM on February 23, 2022 [5 favorites]
EMDR is the only thing that helped me, and it literally solved the problem permanently. Talk therapy was worse than useless, but EMDR was miraculous.
posted by asimplemouse at 2:30 PM on February 23, 2022
posted by asimplemouse at 2:30 PM on February 23, 2022
I've not done EMDR but have now been to a few months of sessions with a therapist who has a mindfulness focus which is at times helpful and other times fairly neutral. It's an interesting modality and it has helped me in new ways that I didn't expect. After dancing around my core trauma topic for awhile I just decided I couldn't talk about it. So, I wrote a short letter outlining the basics and asked my therapist if I could email it to her and she could read it before our next session. So, she did that and now we can obliquely talk about the traumatic thing without needing to go into depth. I will say that I still have thoughts at bedtime that give me anxiety but they are starting to feel more manageable. But, I'm just throwing in that there are ways to get around this and a good therapist will honor what you need in order to process and find some healing. Talking it all out is not necessarily best practice in terms of your health and wellness. It very much depends on you and what is a help to you.
posted by amanda at 3:16 PM on February 23, 2022
posted by amanda at 3:16 PM on February 23, 2022
As for strategies at night, things you can try tonight:
- when you start having these thoughts, get up and walk around - just go out into the kitchen and get a glass of water or just walk into another room, you don't need to do anything just shake your brain out of this anxiety spiral which now has a comfortable roost in your mind as you drift toward sleep
- try breathing exercises as a method to calm you before bedtime. Look up "square breathing" as one idea. Basically, slowly breathe in for four counts, hold your breath for four, breathe out for four. Repeat, focusing on your breathing. If you are comfortable, I recommend breathing out with some noise - like you're forcefully blowing out 100 candles. If I'm alone at night, I'll sometimes do that and it seems to have an extra power to jolt my mind away from anxious thoughts
- listen to a podcast or sleeptime meditation
- something I've been doing lately is just running a script through my head telling myself how valuable sleep is to me. If I recognize the anxiety spiral, I'll talk in my mind: hey, you know what, brain? Sleep is really good for you. It helps you to retain facts and they say that dreaming is a way to put things in long-term memory storage. It gives your whole body a rest and restores your muscles.... etc.. I don't know why that is working lately but it seems to be helping. Like, maybe moving the anxiety from the trauma and endless ruminating to something more factual and grounded in now?
- if you don't already, consider Melatonin or Calm gummies (melatonin and theanine) or even Advil PM. These are gentle ways to help you sleep which, when combined with the tactics above can help you get to sleep and, hopefully, break the cycle.
posted by amanda at 3:25 PM on February 23, 2022
- when you start having these thoughts, get up and walk around - just go out into the kitchen and get a glass of water or just walk into another room, you don't need to do anything just shake your brain out of this anxiety spiral which now has a comfortable roost in your mind as you drift toward sleep
- try breathing exercises as a method to calm you before bedtime. Look up "square breathing" as one idea. Basically, slowly breathe in for four counts, hold your breath for four, breathe out for four. Repeat, focusing on your breathing. If you are comfortable, I recommend breathing out with some noise - like you're forcefully blowing out 100 candles. If I'm alone at night, I'll sometimes do that and it seems to have an extra power to jolt my mind away from anxious thoughts
- listen to a podcast or sleeptime meditation
- something I've been doing lately is just running a script through my head telling myself how valuable sleep is to me. If I recognize the anxiety spiral, I'll talk in my mind: hey, you know what, brain? Sleep is really good for you. It helps you to retain facts and they say that dreaming is a way to put things in long-term memory storage. It gives your whole body a rest and restores your muscles.... etc.. I don't know why that is working lately but it seems to be helping. Like, maybe moving the anxiety from the trauma and endless ruminating to something more factual and grounded in now?
- if you don't already, consider Melatonin or Calm gummies (melatonin and theanine) or even Advil PM. These are gentle ways to help you sleep which, when combined with the tactics above can help you get to sleep and, hopefully, break the cycle.
posted by amanda at 3:25 PM on February 23, 2022
a big dark secret is too much for anyone to handle healthily for long. it's possible, once you've established trust with a therapist, that confiding in her comes around naturally for you. but it doesn't/you don't have to.
my experience is with depression not trauma; I'll refrain from guesses about self-care options.
except, be kind to yourself.
- long term therapy pt
posted by j_curiouser at 4:12 PM on February 23, 2022
my experience is with depression not trauma; I'll refrain from guesses about self-care options.
except, be kind to yourself.
- long term therapy pt
posted by j_curiouser at 4:12 PM on February 23, 2022
Play it out in your mind in all of it's horrendous details. Then play it out again but make it black and white (like old TV). Play it out again in b/w but make it smaller and full of static. Play it out again like that but add a scratchy soundtrack. Play it out again but twice as fast. Play it again but four times as fast. Do this until you form a habit. When that incident pops into you mind it immediately turns into a tiny bad quality 1 second blip and it's over and done.
You can also file it away and just know that it's there. My favorite method (make up your own) was when going to bed... I slowly descend a 10 step staircase going down into the ground while relaxing and concentrating on the 10 breath, 9 breath, slowly getting to the bottom. There I find a door sized obelisk (2001), cast the spell. Another relax and hold in the mind thing. Touch around the edges and make a red band around the whole thing. Then move in and make an orange band (keeping the outer red in mind). Yellow, Green, Blue, Violet in turn. Then there's still a little black strip in the center, run your finger down that and it turns into a portal to your inner world. Mine has a book on a shelf where I write the things I don't really want to think about and put it on the shelf. Do this enough and when you do think about it, you can forget about it, it's already in that book.
The general idea is to train your brain so that when/if that incident pops into your mind it's quickly automatically sorta goes away. Been there done that. That happened. It's been seen, it's been written down, it's been told, no need to relive it. It'll go away if you can learn to ignore it by squishing it into nothing or locking it away or setting it free.
posted by zengargoyle at 4:39 PM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
You can also file it away and just know that it's there. My favorite method (make up your own) was when going to bed... I slowly descend a 10 step staircase going down into the ground while relaxing and concentrating on the 10 breath, 9 breath, slowly getting to the bottom. There I find a door sized obelisk (2001), cast the spell. Another relax and hold in the mind thing. Touch around the edges and make a red band around the whole thing. Then move in and make an orange band (keeping the outer red in mind). Yellow, Green, Blue, Violet in turn. Then there's still a little black strip in the center, run your finger down that and it turns into a portal to your inner world. Mine has a book on a shelf where I write the things I don't really want to think about and put it on the shelf. Do this enough and when you do think about it, you can forget about it, it's already in that book.
The general idea is to train your brain so that when/if that incident pops into your mind it's quickly automatically sorta goes away. Been there done that. That happened. It's been seen, it's been written down, it's been told, no need to relive it. It'll go away if you can learn to ignore it by squishing it into nothing or locking it away or setting it free.
posted by zengargoyle at 4:39 PM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
One thing my therapist has done with me that I now do by myself is say out loud (or verbalize in my head), "That is a memory". I am surprised to find that action soothing.
She has taught/reminded me that along with images and stories; emotions, physical sensations, bodily associations are all memories, and that the memory is of something that happened in the past and is not happening now. When I experience overwhelming memories, it is useful for me to be able to say to myself (or hear my therapist say) something like, "That feeling is a memory. I am [my age] years old. [That experience] happened to me in [year]. It is now 2022. I woke up today in bed with my wife. I drove my car to work today - myself as [age] could not have done that." etc.. Somehow that simple reality-setting is useful to me.
Another concept you may find useful is the window of tolerance. When something reminds us of a trauma, we often become hyper-aroused, and it becomes impossible to continue in that direction or explore those feelings further. Or conversely, we can become very shut down and hypo-aroused. A goal of a lot of trauma-therapy is to expand that window to allow you a little more space so you do not become completely flooded with feeling and become unable to tolerate anything. Like you intuitively understand: You cannot force your window open. But there are tools to gently help yourself expand that safer realm - while showing respect for the parts you wisely developed to protect yourself in a severely traumatic circumstance.
You want to avoid re-experiencing this terrible experience. You also want to avoid the shame, fear and guilt that dominated parts of your life and continue to fester inside you. This seems like a very reasonable goal. I imagine that like most really hard things, this project will be aided by support of someone both skillful and who is a 'fit' with you. If you do decide to seek therapy, I recommend you specifically seek someone who specializes in trauma. If you find a couple therapists who seem worth having an initial call/interview with, I suggest sharing what you're able to of what you've shared here, including your preference of limiting what you discuss aloud right now, and see if the person responds in a way that feels right to you. If you're in the US, Psychology Today allows you to search for therapists with specific specialities, such as trauma or EMDR.
Finally, one thing you could do which is accessible to you in private without others and without having to recall your specific story, is watch some videos about the physiology and psychology of trauma. There are a lot of basic 'explainer' videos you can watch on trauma response, or there are a lot of interviews online with Bessel van Der Kolk, the most famous name in trauma research.
I wish you well. You deserve to have peace.
posted by latkes at 7:54 PM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
She has taught/reminded me that along with images and stories; emotions, physical sensations, bodily associations are all memories, and that the memory is of something that happened in the past and is not happening now. When I experience overwhelming memories, it is useful for me to be able to say to myself (or hear my therapist say) something like, "That feeling is a memory. I am [my age] years old. [That experience] happened to me in [year]. It is now 2022. I woke up today in bed with my wife. I drove my car to work today - myself as [age] could not have done that." etc.. Somehow that simple reality-setting is useful to me.
Another concept you may find useful is the window of tolerance. When something reminds us of a trauma, we often become hyper-aroused, and it becomes impossible to continue in that direction or explore those feelings further. Or conversely, we can become very shut down and hypo-aroused. A goal of a lot of trauma-therapy is to expand that window to allow you a little more space so you do not become completely flooded with feeling and become unable to tolerate anything. Like you intuitively understand: You cannot force your window open. But there are tools to gently help yourself expand that safer realm - while showing respect for the parts you wisely developed to protect yourself in a severely traumatic circumstance.
You want to avoid re-experiencing this terrible experience. You also want to avoid the shame, fear and guilt that dominated parts of your life and continue to fester inside you. This seems like a very reasonable goal. I imagine that like most really hard things, this project will be aided by support of someone both skillful and who is a 'fit' with you. If you do decide to seek therapy, I recommend you specifically seek someone who specializes in trauma. If you find a couple therapists who seem worth having an initial call/interview with, I suggest sharing what you're able to of what you've shared here, including your preference of limiting what you discuss aloud right now, and see if the person responds in a way that feels right to you. If you're in the US, Psychology Today allows you to search for therapists with specific specialities, such as trauma or EMDR.
Finally, one thing you could do which is accessible to you in private without others and without having to recall your specific story, is watch some videos about the physiology and psychology of trauma. There are a lot of basic 'explainer' videos you can watch on trauma response, or there are a lot of interviews online with Bessel van Der Kolk, the most famous name in trauma research.
I wish you well. You deserve to have peace.
posted by latkes at 7:54 PM on February 23, 2022 [1 favorite]
I just want to let you know that you deserve to be released of these memories and it would be ok to tell a therapist once you build up some trust.
There are people out there with very severe trauma - around all kinds of things like sex, death, things that were done to them, things that were their fault... things that felt like their fault at the time because of how they were framed at the time, but which actually weren't their fault at all, etc - and everyone deserves to be able to unpack and release and heal from their trauma and find peace.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:23 PM on February 23, 2022
There are people out there with very severe trauma - around all kinds of things like sex, death, things that were done to them, things that were their fault... things that felt like their fault at the time because of how they were framed at the time, but which actually weren't their fault at all, etc - and everyone deserves to be able to unpack and release and heal from their trauma and find peace.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:23 PM on February 23, 2022
Immediately get yourself checked for sleep apnea.
Intrusive thoughts are often triggered by physiological states. It is more than possible that you are starting to suffocate on your own throat tissue. Alternatively if you are experiencing sharp fluctuations in female hormones you could be having hot flashes and over heating. Heart problems can do this too, and so can asthma. You could also consider if you could be pre-diabetic and suffering from blood sugar crashes.
The combination of being short of sleep, massively uncomfortable, and jerked awake by an urgent message to move before you suffer brain damage could be throwing up horrible thoughts. Anything you think at such moments is going to feel horrible - if you remember a scene from your favorite murder mystery instead of it being delightfully gory, it will remind you of man's inhumanity to man and the inevitable hopelessness of life. If you remember your dear old mother, it will be either all the bad stuff that happened or the fact that she is lost to you now forever. And the more often it happens the stronger the neurological connections you are building will be, so that waking up like this becomes a reminder of that horrible thing they did to you when you were in grade seven or your abusive room mate when you were twenty.
You may not need therapy, you may need a CPAP, or hypoallergenic zippered pillow cases and a shot of Ventolin.
posted by Jane the Brown at 7:06 AM on February 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
Intrusive thoughts are often triggered by physiological states. It is more than possible that you are starting to suffocate on your own throat tissue. Alternatively if you are experiencing sharp fluctuations in female hormones you could be having hot flashes and over heating. Heart problems can do this too, and so can asthma. You could also consider if you could be pre-diabetic and suffering from blood sugar crashes.
The combination of being short of sleep, massively uncomfortable, and jerked awake by an urgent message to move before you suffer brain damage could be throwing up horrible thoughts. Anything you think at such moments is going to feel horrible - if you remember a scene from your favorite murder mystery instead of it being delightfully gory, it will remind you of man's inhumanity to man and the inevitable hopelessness of life. If you remember your dear old mother, it will be either all the bad stuff that happened or the fact that she is lost to you now forever. And the more often it happens the stronger the neurological connections you are building will be, so that waking up like this becomes a reminder of that horrible thing they did to you when you were in grade seven or your abusive room mate when you were twenty.
You may not need therapy, you may need a CPAP, or hypoallergenic zippered pillow cases and a shot of Ventolin.
posted by Jane the Brown at 7:06 AM on February 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
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Also if this is happening at night you may be able to talk to your primary care doctor about prazosin. It is likely you are actually having nightmares about this event and that’s why it’s in your head when you wake.
posted by corb at 11:09 PM on February 22, 2022 [3 favorites]