How to become a better gift-giver?
February 4, 2022 2:42 AM Subscribe
I know many people who like to randomly give gifts - I don't mean for birthdays, I mean off the cuff, for no reason, 'saw this and thought of you'. I think this is a very nice and thoughtful way to show friendship, but I am bad at it, and looking for ways to become better.
I am bad at giving gifts because:
1. It just doesn't occur to me out of the blue to get things for people
2. I rarely go into shops to browse so nothing is going to jump out at me as a good potential gift for someone
3. People do not always like the things I like (e.g. one time I gave a cutting from one of my low maintenance plants to a friend as a housewarming present, but he got very stressed out about keeping it alive). I have really specific tastes and am not always good at telling if other people are going to like the things that I like.
4. I don't know how much to spend without it looking like I have gone overboard
5. I do not have any 'making' skills: I don't craft, rarely bake anymore, and am a barely serviceable cook.
6. I worry that I am just giving people wasteful clutter.
I know that to many people, random gifts are just wasteful clutter. But I also think that receiving something from someone unexpectedly can just be a really lovely way of hearing that you mean something to that person. Also I have a lot of friends who are random gift givers, so I want to show my appreciation to them in a way that they would understand.
Mefites who are good at unexpected gift giving - how do you do it?
I am bad at giving gifts because:
1. It just doesn't occur to me out of the blue to get things for people
2. I rarely go into shops to browse so nothing is going to jump out at me as a good potential gift for someone
3. People do not always like the things I like (e.g. one time I gave a cutting from one of my low maintenance plants to a friend as a housewarming present, but he got very stressed out about keeping it alive). I have really specific tastes and am not always good at telling if other people are going to like the things that I like.
4. I don't know how much to spend without it looking like I have gone overboard
5. I do not have any 'making' skills: I don't craft, rarely bake anymore, and am a barely serviceable cook.
6. I worry that I am just giving people wasteful clutter.
I know that to many people, random gifts are just wasteful clutter. But I also think that receiving something from someone unexpectedly can just be a really lovely way of hearing that you mean something to that person. Also I have a lot of friends who are random gift givers, so I want to show my appreciation to them in a way that they would understand.
Mefites who are good at unexpected gift giving - how do you do it?
I use to give gifts through the online donations. I have been helping to the non profit organization by sharing my software to them. I build the software at where people can give donations online to the non-profit organization if its monthly or one time, it will be helpful.
For that purpose, non profit organization uses DonorKite to accept online donations.
posted by mitultechs at 3:37 AM on February 4, 2022
For that purpose, non profit organization uses DonorKite to accept online donations.
posted by mitultechs at 3:37 AM on February 4, 2022
I asked this question about non-food gifts and got some good answers that might work for you, too. I love this level of gift-giving. It's thoughtful but free of expectations.
posted by headnsouth at 3:48 AM on February 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by headnsouth at 3:48 AM on February 4, 2022 [3 favorites]
I love random gift giving, but have been too busy for crafting lately and a little more financially constrained, so I've been scratching that itch by sending random cards with a family photo and a little note expressing my appreciation for them. Friends have said it was such a treat to get mail that wasn't a bill! A card can be recycled so you don't need to worry about clutter, or even tastes really, because I think people care less about how it looks and more about what you say in it.
If you'd like to get more of a "thing" without wandering through shops, sometimes there are neat things in the grocery store that still can feel like a treat to someone and are consumable, so no clutter. My favourite grocery store has a local food section with some cool things I've given as random gifts. Some ideas: nice coffee if you know they like coffee and know their roast/grind; fancy jam or jelly; a nice nut butter if they don't have an allergy; a good-quality vanilla extract if they like to bake. One of my best purchases that made my own life a little better was from a grocery store: a ceramic container with a snap-on well-sealed lid that I could use to bring soup for lunch. Something like that could be a great little gift.
I hope this helps! You sound like a thoughtful, caring person so I'm sure your friends already feel appreciated, gifts or no :)
posted by bighappyhairydog at 3:51 AM on February 4, 2022 [9 favorites]
If you'd like to get more of a "thing" without wandering through shops, sometimes there are neat things in the grocery store that still can feel like a treat to someone and are consumable, so no clutter. My favourite grocery store has a local food section with some cool things I've given as random gifts. Some ideas: nice coffee if you know they like coffee and know their roast/grind; fancy jam or jelly; a nice nut butter if they don't have an allergy; a good-quality vanilla extract if they like to bake. One of my best purchases that made my own life a little better was from a grocery store: a ceramic container with a snap-on well-sealed lid that I could use to bring soup for lunch. Something like that could be a great little gift.
I hope this helps! You sound like a thoughtful, caring person so I'm sure your friends already feel appreciated, gifts or no :)
posted by bighappyhairydog at 3:51 AM on February 4, 2022 [9 favorites]
To me this is less about shopping and more about listening. Often in conversation someone will say something that sparks an idea for a gift - a funny story about something that went wrong for them, mentioning something else they've enjoyed, something in their life that's mildly irritating. Keep an ear attuned for these things and as soon as an idea pops into your head, make a note of it on your phone (or wherever) for future use.
You tried to make a meringue but totally failed at the egg separating until you'd run out of eggs? I'm going to get you one of those little egg separator gizmos and post it to you out of the blue. You loved reading a book by person x? I'm going to buy you another of their books that I've enjoyed. You make a social post about how much you love dinosaurs? When you're down I'm going to buy you a mini plushy dinosaur. The flat downstairs from you is suddenly empty and it's making your flat colder? Fluffy socks in the post. And so on.
Value - for random gifts I'd probably stay under £10 and something not too physically large or difficult to store. I assume that a proportion of them will actually not get kept long term, but will give the person pleasure in the moment they open it, and perhaps for a few weeks after when they look at it and are reminded of our friendship. Which is perhaps wasteful, but hopefully they at least get given to a charity shop (/thrift store) and then bring pleasure to someone else too.
posted by penguin pie at 3:53 AM on February 4, 2022 [21 favorites]
You tried to make a meringue but totally failed at the egg separating until you'd run out of eggs? I'm going to get you one of those little egg separator gizmos and post it to you out of the blue. You loved reading a book by person x? I'm going to buy you another of their books that I've enjoyed. You make a social post about how much you love dinosaurs? When you're down I'm going to buy you a mini plushy dinosaur. The flat downstairs from you is suddenly empty and it's making your flat colder? Fluffy socks in the post. And so on.
Value - for random gifts I'd probably stay under £10 and something not too physically large or difficult to store. I assume that a proportion of them will actually not get kept long term, but will give the person pleasure in the moment they open it, and perhaps for a few weeks after when they look at it and are reminded of our friendship. Which is perhaps wasteful, but hopefully they at least get given to a charity shop (/thrift store) and then bring pleasure to someone else too.
posted by penguin pie at 3:53 AM on February 4, 2022 [21 favorites]
Seconding Penguin Pie. This isn't about getting into the habit of "just browsing" in shops - this is about knowing a person well enough to know that they would want a specific thing.
Your instincts with the plant as a housewarming gift were actually promising - there are many people who would appreciate a houseplant as a housewarming gift. But I think what happened there is, you needed to think about about whether that specific friend would have appreciated it; did he have other plants? Had he ever had plants? I suspect he hadn't, so while a plant as a housewarming gift is a good idea, it maybe isn't right for that guy.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:24 AM on February 4, 2022 [4 favorites]
Your instincts with the plant as a housewarming gift were actually promising - there are many people who would appreciate a houseplant as a housewarming gift. But I think what happened there is, you needed to think about about whether that specific friend would have appreciated it; did he have other plants? Had he ever had plants? I suspect he hadn't, so while a plant as a housewarming gift is a good idea, it maybe isn't right for that guy.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:24 AM on February 4, 2022 [4 favorites]
I'm going to be a grouchy contrarian here. These little things morph into clutter unless they're useful and you don't already have it. (Somebody once gave me a great lemon squeezer after they witnessed me squeezing hard seeded lemons into a bowl by hand. I've since used that lemon squeezer a hundred times. So very thoughtful.) However, I have an acquaintance with a great eye who constantly gifts lovely little items to people in our friend group, and after a while we don't know what to do with the thing. Yes, we're ingrates. These little "perfect" gifts take up space, gather dust, but can't be thrown away because they're "special." Ugh. Sorry, just give me a hug or something. Plants or cuttings? No, because they're going to require work unless the friend mentioned they couldn't find potted Greek oregano just the regular kind and you found some when you were cruising through a nursery. That's what being gifted at gift giving is--you happen on something a friend needed or couldn't find. Otherwise, just do favors for people spontaneously. That's the best gift. End of rant.
posted by Elsie at 5:03 AM on February 4, 2022 [12 favorites]
posted by Elsie at 5:03 AM on February 4, 2022 [12 favorites]
Some small random gifts I’ve seen success with:
10 pairs of nice quality colourful plastic chopsticks
A little paring knife with a wood handle
Nice hand soap, not too strong smelling
Funny socks
Pretty scissors - I got rainbow chrome ones for a friend and she loves them
If the person has a baby or child, a kids book is always good (include the gift receipt)
What they have in common:
Under $25
They’re things everyone has to own, hopefully in nicer quality than the one they already own, but not ostentatious
Practical, so everyone can use them
Small enough to not take much space
Stored in a drawer so the person’s taste doesn’t matter as much
Like the lemon squeezer above, something that they’ll use casually a couple times a month and think fondly of you.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:58 AM on February 4, 2022
10 pairs of nice quality colourful plastic chopsticks
A little paring knife with a wood handle
Nice hand soap, not too strong smelling
Funny socks
Pretty scissors - I got rainbow chrome ones for a friend and she loves them
If the person has a baby or child, a kids book is always good (include the gift receipt)
What they have in common:
Under $25
They’re things everyone has to own, hopefully in nicer quality than the one they already own, but not ostentatious
Practical, so everyone can use them
Small enough to not take much space
Stored in a drawer so the person’s taste doesn’t matter as much
Like the lemon squeezer above, something that they’ll use casually a couple times a month and think fondly of you.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:58 AM on February 4, 2022
I agree with everyone here, contrarians included!
It's obvious you are already a thoughtful, loving person. We know this because you are already saying: "Ah, I am feeling moved to express something to [this person]," and all you wish for is some way to consistently link that impetus with, "My method of expression will be... a gift!" It's not that you don't know how to express affection; you just want to expand your repertoire ito your methods of expression. This will be easy for you!
I'm a constant gift-giver, and these are my tips:
1. Do literally the opposite of saying to yourself, "I must remember to think of gifts for friends at random times! For no reason!" That's a lot of pressure, and let's face it, it's neeeeever gonna happen. Legitimate occasions and rituals are super useful for gifting! I use relatively insignificant but personalized occasions which I can easily set reminders for on my calendar (e.g. a holiday in their culture which isn't widely celebrated in USA, or the first couple of anniversaries of someone's happy divorce) and I invent my own rituals (e.g. I write postcards to a standard set of friends when I travel - it's just part of my travel routine now, I never forget).
2. "Gift" is a broad category of stuff that includes not only cute knickknacks from shops but also perishables like flowers or fruit, photographs (digital included!), hand-made crafts, a poem you wrote for them. I know someone who texted one animal gif every day to a relative who was in the hospital for two months early in the pandemic, with no visitors. They said it was the most wonderful gift, something to look forward to every morning.
3. Context is everything. I think it's reversing causality to say "listen to what your friends say, keep note of their expressed wishes, and then buy them something from your secret list". For me, at least, gifts come from finding myself thinking about something my friends said. Like, the gift follows the feeling after an interaction. A bumper sticker based on something they said about their car, or a postcard with a quote that's meaningful to them... you know? Not a list.
4. Perhaps most importantly, I would encourage you to let yourself be moved by your own feelings after an interaction or conversation with someone. In the hours that follow, if you find yourself smiling or thinking or feeling a certain way about something they said, pause, notice it, and let it move you into an act of expression. Since you're new to gift giving, it probably feels like, "Oh! I am moved! I have to think of the right gift that expresses this!" which is great, and it will help you become a more intuitive gift giver. But you don't have to wait until you've thought of the gift to express something, and you don't have to limit yourself to a gift as your medium. Express yourself as and when you are moved, in whatever way comes naturally. Gifts can be the happy bonus on top.
posted by MiraK at 7:26 AM on February 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
It's obvious you are already a thoughtful, loving person. We know this because you are already saying: "Ah, I am feeling moved to express something to [this person]," and all you wish for is some way to consistently link that impetus with, "My method of expression will be... a gift!" It's not that you don't know how to express affection; you just want to expand your repertoire ito your methods of expression. This will be easy for you!
I'm a constant gift-giver, and these are my tips:
1. Do literally the opposite of saying to yourself, "I must remember to think of gifts for friends at random times! For no reason!" That's a lot of pressure, and let's face it, it's neeeeever gonna happen. Legitimate occasions and rituals are super useful for gifting! I use relatively insignificant but personalized occasions which I can easily set reminders for on my calendar (e.g. a holiday in their culture which isn't widely celebrated in USA, or the first couple of anniversaries of someone's happy divorce) and I invent my own rituals (e.g. I write postcards to a standard set of friends when I travel - it's just part of my travel routine now, I never forget).
2. "Gift" is a broad category of stuff that includes not only cute knickknacks from shops but also perishables like flowers or fruit, photographs (digital included!), hand-made crafts, a poem you wrote for them. I know someone who texted one animal gif every day to a relative who was in the hospital for two months early in the pandemic, with no visitors. They said it was the most wonderful gift, something to look forward to every morning.
3. Context is everything. I think it's reversing causality to say "listen to what your friends say, keep note of their expressed wishes, and then buy them something from your secret list". For me, at least, gifts come from finding myself thinking about something my friends said. Like, the gift follows the feeling after an interaction. A bumper sticker based on something they said about their car, or a postcard with a quote that's meaningful to them... you know? Not a list.
4. Perhaps most importantly, I would encourage you to let yourself be moved by your own feelings after an interaction or conversation with someone. In the hours that follow, if you find yourself smiling or thinking or feeling a certain way about something they said, pause, notice it, and let it move you into an act of expression. Since you're new to gift giving, it probably feels like, "Oh! I am moved! I have to think of the right gift that expresses this!" which is great, and it will help you become a more intuitive gift giver. But you don't have to wait until you've thought of the gift to express something, and you don't have to limit yourself to a gift as your medium. Express yourself as and when you are moved, in whatever way comes naturally. Gifts can be the happy bonus on top.
posted by MiraK at 7:26 AM on February 4, 2022 [2 favorites]
I worry that I am just giving people wasteful clutter.
I'm definitely not happy to get things that are clutter, which is why nouvelle-personne's list is so great. It's also good if you can notice something that a person can use - when I was a broke student, I dropped my iron and used tape to make it functional again. A guest noticed that and bought me a new iron.
Kitchen stores can be a good resource if you're looking to give people nicer versions of things they have or replacements of things that are worn out. I'd be happy to get new dishtowels, spatulas, or wooden spoons - these all come in very cute or cool versions. And if there's something you really love, it can be good to buy that for someone else. That's how I ended up giving these chip clips to people.
posted by FencingGal at 7:32 AM on February 4, 2022
I'm definitely not happy to get things that are clutter, which is why nouvelle-personne's list is so great. It's also good if you can notice something that a person can use - when I was a broke student, I dropped my iron and used tape to make it functional again. A guest noticed that and bought me a new iron.
Kitchen stores can be a good resource if you're looking to give people nicer versions of things they have or replacements of things that are worn out. I'd be happy to get new dishtowels, spatulas, or wooden spoons - these all come in very cute or cool versions. And if there's something you really love, it can be good to buy that for someone else. That's how I ended up giving these chip clips to people.
posted by FencingGal at 7:32 AM on February 4, 2022
As someone who lives in a tiny apartment, I am a big fan of consumable gifts that don't become a clutter issue. You need to know enough to know what sorts of foods your friends like and how much they like to cook or bake. Recent favorites include fancy olive oil, these concentrates, cheese. Local foods from specific locations are great as well.
Other consumables: bath and beauty products, if you know that's the sort of thing the person is likely to use. I mentioned to a friend how excited I was to have a real bathtub and she sent me a lovely care package with various bath bombs and things.
I also think thoughtful cards/notes are lovely. I got into this more during the pandemic, and they're great because they don't take up a lot of space; you can display them if you want but can also tuck them away in a drawer. I like going to a local store or browsing online and selecting a big batch of cards I think are interesting. Some make me think of specific friends (i.e. my friend who likes pandas, my friend with whom I have an inside joke related to the card illustration) but lots are just pretty or cute. The trick here is not to overthink the note - a brief version of "I'm thinking of you/I miss you/I care about you" goes a long way. Sometimes I'll even send one when I might normally text a friend something that made me think of them, and it's always a wonderful surprise.
I do think a lot of the effectiveness of gift-giving is in the attitude around it; for an example of how not to be, please enjoy this scene that I think about all the time.
posted by earth by april at 7:52 AM on February 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
Other consumables: bath and beauty products, if you know that's the sort of thing the person is likely to use. I mentioned to a friend how excited I was to have a real bathtub and she sent me a lovely care package with various bath bombs and things.
I also think thoughtful cards/notes are lovely. I got into this more during the pandemic, and they're great because they don't take up a lot of space; you can display them if you want but can also tuck them away in a drawer. I like going to a local store or browsing online and selecting a big batch of cards I think are interesting. Some make me think of specific friends (i.e. my friend who likes pandas, my friend with whom I have an inside joke related to the card illustration) but lots are just pretty or cute. The trick here is not to overthink the note - a brief version of "I'm thinking of you/I miss you/I care about you" goes a long way. Sometimes I'll even send one when I might normally text a friend something that made me think of them, and it's always a wonderful surprise.
I do think a lot of the effectiveness of gift-giving is in the attitude around it; for an example of how not to be, please enjoy this scene that I think about all the time.
posted by earth by april at 7:52 AM on February 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
I do this but I also spend time aimlessly wandering around various online stores. Then if something catches my eye it'll immediately remind me of someone, or it won't. It's a serendipitous thing.
posted by bleep at 8:49 AM on February 4, 2022
posted by bleep at 8:49 AM on February 4, 2022
I also spend time aimlessly wandering around various online stores. Then if something catches my eye it'll immediately remind me of someone, or it won't. It's a serendipitous thing.
Oh, this! I did exactly this this year, and I think this may give you an example of the kind of mindset which may help.
I was browsing on an online store - I didn't even have any online gift shopping in mind, I actually was browsing for my own self. But I came across a couple things and they instantly reminded me of other people.
One was a compact case with some basic supplies for day hikers. When you're going on a hike there is a list of recommended "basics" you're supposed to take with you, but sometimes gathering and packing them all can be annoying ("ugh, do I REALLY need to take the whistle and the jackknife? I'll just skip it this time, I can't find them and they take up so much space anyway") and that can be a problem the one time you really need them ("shit, it's getting dark - oh DAMMIT I blew off packing the flashlight!"). The idea behind these little cases was that it was all of the stuff you need in one easy already-packed compact thing that you just toss into your day pack and you're all set.
Those little cases reminded me of a couple I know - they are both very active in the outdoors. He's even more "outdoors" than she is - he leads photo tours in the National Parks. And even better - there was a funny moment I remembered from when the three of us were visiting Utah, and she got very insistent that we pack all of that stuff for a day hike and left her partner and I waiting while she ran around trying to find her knife and whistle while he sighed and confessed he usually forgot to bring that stuff anyway. So I got one case each for each of them - one for her, so she would have all the stuff she needed in one place, and one for him so he wouldn't forget!
Another thing I saw was a cookbook about making your own edibles - and marijuana is the vice of choice for another friend of mine, and they'd tried experimenting with edibles during the beginning of lockdown but it hadn't gone well. So I immediately thought of THAT friend when I saw that cookbook.
But that's the kind of mindset we're talking about. It's all about paying attention to your friends, what they do, what little annoyances they've faced, habits they have, and just being open to it when you see something that reminds you "oh, hey, that light-up keychain reminds me of Sid and how he always complains that he can't see the lock on his front door."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:23 AM on February 4, 2022 [6 favorites]
Oh, this! I did exactly this this year, and I think this may give you an example of the kind of mindset which may help.
I was browsing on an online store - I didn't even have any online gift shopping in mind, I actually was browsing for my own self. But I came across a couple things and they instantly reminded me of other people.
One was a compact case with some basic supplies for day hikers. When you're going on a hike there is a list of recommended "basics" you're supposed to take with you, but sometimes gathering and packing them all can be annoying ("ugh, do I REALLY need to take the whistle and the jackknife? I'll just skip it this time, I can't find them and they take up so much space anyway") and that can be a problem the one time you really need them ("shit, it's getting dark - oh DAMMIT I blew off packing the flashlight!"). The idea behind these little cases was that it was all of the stuff you need in one easy already-packed compact thing that you just toss into your day pack and you're all set.
Those little cases reminded me of a couple I know - they are both very active in the outdoors. He's even more "outdoors" than she is - he leads photo tours in the National Parks. And even better - there was a funny moment I remembered from when the three of us were visiting Utah, and she got very insistent that we pack all of that stuff for a day hike and left her partner and I waiting while she ran around trying to find her knife and whistle while he sighed and confessed he usually forgot to bring that stuff anyway. So I got one case each for each of them - one for her, so she would have all the stuff she needed in one place, and one for him so he wouldn't forget!
Another thing I saw was a cookbook about making your own edibles - and marijuana is the vice of choice for another friend of mine, and they'd tried experimenting with edibles during the beginning of lockdown but it hadn't gone well. So I immediately thought of THAT friend when I saw that cookbook.
But that's the kind of mindset we're talking about. It's all about paying attention to your friends, what they do, what little annoyances they've faced, habits they have, and just being open to it when you see something that reminds you "oh, hey, that light-up keychain reminds me of Sid and how he always complains that he can't see the lock on his front door."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:23 AM on February 4, 2022 [6 favorites]
I used to keep a Google doc or post it around to remember stuff that might spur good gift ideas later on - like A mentions how much they love Birdo or loose tea or this cafe or how gloves never fit their small fingers - so it's there when I need to find a bday or holiday gift later on.
As far as when to gift - I think small, low stakes, consumable, thinking of you gifts - even "hey stuff's been hard, have pizza on me" are especially nice when you know your friends are having a bad time or feeling isolated. Sometimes that's just sending cute gifs or memes or asking if they want to talk, too.
posted by Geameade at 6:05 PM on February 4, 2022
As far as when to gift - I think small, low stakes, consumable, thinking of you gifts - even "hey stuff's been hard, have pizza on me" are especially nice when you know your friends are having a bad time or feeling isolated. Sometimes that's just sending cute gifs or memes or asking if they want to talk, too.
posted by Geameade at 6:05 PM on February 4, 2022
What do you like about this sort of gifts that you receive?
Agree with the comments about the importance of noticing. Whenever a friend expresses a modest desire or need, note it right away — sometimes I’ll open a tab on my phone to search for the thing so I remember to get it later. And then if if you find an appropriate option that isn’t going overboard, just order it while it’s still fresh. You can also ask what their opinion on ABC or favorite XYZ is in natural conversation (for example, talk about plants while walking in the park, or suss out flavors while watching a TV show with a scene involving ice cream).
Also agree with the comments suggesting broader definitions of gifts that don’t involve clutter or pressure. It can be intangible, like a specific recommendation (including info on how to get/consume it) with an explanation of why it made you think of them and why they might like it, or even for someone else in their life, so you can show that you care because they care. Or even if you don’t have direct personal experience, it could be research as follow-up to something small they’re trying to figure out (unless unsolicited advice would not be helpful or considerate). It could be a voice note with a story or memory, literally a reminder that you were just thinking of them. It could even be asking for a recommendation (if casual and not too much labor) — the message being, “I think of you as a person whose knowledge/taste I trust on such a matter” — and then following up with thanks if the recommendation worked and letting them know you even passed the recommendation onto others, it was that good.
For consumables, if you don’t know specifics and the friend might have strong preferences, you can get a small but still meaningful gift card. For instance, if they drink tea but you don’t know what kind and don’t want to accidentally give caffeinated loose leaf to someone who only wants herbal tea bags, give them a gift card to a tea shop. If they are just starting to explore, then perhaps a sampler could work. (It could even be just cash or a generic gift card with a suggestion for what to get where but then they can use it however they like.) Put this in a thoughtful card for a personal touch, or if it’s digital you could add a message with an inside joke just for them.
For more universally helpful items, a cheap knife sharpener, a small space heater, and extra and reliable (but maybe also fun to be more gift) charging cables have all been found practical and not useless clutter.
If you visit your friends, especially for a group gathering, ask what would be helpful to grab on the way and suggest options: dessert, their favorite snack, drinks or mixers, supplies? Lowkey flowers from a local store could also add a spot of “just because” brightness for not much effort.
Finally, don’t force it and feel like you have to reciprocate in the exact same way your friends do; love languages translate. I enjoy giving these kinds of small gifts but never expect anything in return and hope my friends don’t feel any obligation, to avoid the concerns/situations you have, esp bc I can be unfairly picky. Instead I understand and appreciate how they demonstrate friendship differently yet equally. We know the feeling is mutual in our own ways, even if not necessarily having a shared external form, if that makes sense. Receiving a gift graciously can be its own gift; you are letting your friends express themselves.
posted by eyeball at 2:22 AM on February 5, 2022
Agree with the comments about the importance of noticing. Whenever a friend expresses a modest desire or need, note it right away — sometimes I’ll open a tab on my phone to search for the thing so I remember to get it later. And then if if you find an appropriate option that isn’t going overboard, just order it while it’s still fresh. You can also ask what their opinion on ABC or favorite XYZ is in natural conversation (for example, talk about plants while walking in the park, or suss out flavors while watching a TV show with a scene involving ice cream).
Also agree with the comments suggesting broader definitions of gifts that don’t involve clutter or pressure. It can be intangible, like a specific recommendation (including info on how to get/consume it) with an explanation of why it made you think of them and why they might like it, or even for someone else in their life, so you can show that you care because they care. Or even if you don’t have direct personal experience, it could be research as follow-up to something small they’re trying to figure out (unless unsolicited advice would not be helpful or considerate). It could be a voice note with a story or memory, literally a reminder that you were just thinking of them. It could even be asking for a recommendation (if casual and not too much labor) — the message being, “I think of you as a person whose knowledge/taste I trust on such a matter” — and then following up with thanks if the recommendation worked and letting them know you even passed the recommendation onto others, it was that good.
For consumables, if you don’t know specifics and the friend might have strong preferences, you can get a small but still meaningful gift card. For instance, if they drink tea but you don’t know what kind and don’t want to accidentally give caffeinated loose leaf to someone who only wants herbal tea bags, give them a gift card to a tea shop. If they are just starting to explore, then perhaps a sampler could work. (It could even be just cash or a generic gift card with a suggestion for what to get where but then they can use it however they like.) Put this in a thoughtful card for a personal touch, or if it’s digital you could add a message with an inside joke just for them.
For more universally helpful items, a cheap knife sharpener, a small space heater, and extra and reliable (but maybe also fun to be more gift) charging cables have all been found practical and not useless clutter.
If you visit your friends, especially for a group gathering, ask what would be helpful to grab on the way and suggest options: dessert, their favorite snack, drinks or mixers, supplies? Lowkey flowers from a local store could also add a spot of “just because” brightness for not much effort.
Finally, don’t force it and feel like you have to reciprocate in the exact same way your friends do; love languages translate. I enjoy giving these kinds of small gifts but never expect anything in return and hope my friends don’t feel any obligation, to avoid the concerns/situations you have, esp bc I can be unfairly picky. Instead I understand and appreciate how they demonstrate friendship differently yet equally. We know the feeling is mutual in our own ways, even if not necessarily having a shared external form, if that makes sense. Receiving a gift graciously can be its own gift; you are letting your friends express themselves.
posted by eyeball at 2:22 AM on February 5, 2022
Do keep in mind that this kind of love language isn't for everyone. While some of your friends and family will be charmed if you get this right, some will just be uncomfortable. So try to notice to if this seems to be things that people actually want you to do. (I would personally dislike it. And have generally been baffled the times people have given me little just-because items or bath things which still sit unused.)
posted by blueberry monster at 9:25 AM on March 6, 2022
posted by blueberry monster at 9:25 AM on March 6, 2022
This thread is closed to new comments.
- The base of this is the same as occasion gifting. Pay attention when your friends talk, to figure out what they might want or enjoy. Is there a hobby they talk a lot about? Do they have pets? Do they collect a certain thing? Etc, etc.
- Research, if needed. Particularly when it comes to hobbies, many online communities dedicated specifically to that hobby will have lists of gift ideas (though you may have to go dig back through posts, because often these lists tend to be posted around Christmas time).
- Write down ideas. This may not be necessary for you but the act of noting something down (whether physically in an actual notebook or just in the notes app on my phone) actually makes it stick for me, so if I've written down that [friend] might like [thing], next time I'm in a shop and see [thing] I'll think of [friend].
- I would say for random, non-occasion gift-giving, cap it at $10-20 at the very, very maximum. The sort of amount you'd spend on a Secret Santa. Something smaller, even in the $5 range, is perfectly acceptable for a "I just thought of you" gift.
In point 1, by the way, when I say "pay attention" I mean really pay attention, beyond the superficial. As an example - if a friend of yours collects fun fridge magnets, bringing them back a magnet from a trip you've been on will be nice; if they collect fridge magnets specifically as mementos of places they've visited, the same gift is going to be a 'oof, close but not quite'.posted by sailoreagle at 3:27 AM on February 4, 2022 [8 favorites]