I think I need to cut off my family, but I'm heartbroken at the thought
January 15, 2022 2:32 PM Subscribe
Please help me navigate the dynamics with my family and unprocessed grief from my childhood. Logically I keep concluding that I should cut ties with my family, but emotionally I can't bring myself to do it.
The family I grew up in is basically an abusive cult, with my father at the top, and my mom and me and two brothers all fighting one another for position and attention. We're all nasty, horrible, toxic people now. We don't speak much, but somehow there is this deep emotional bond that keeps us glued together. Today I had a falling out with my mom after I tried to assert a boundary, and she sent me a nasty email, and my brother said he "sensed" something was up so called mom, and he emailed me as well…. This kind of thing is normal.
I probably spend 90% of my time thinking about my family and what they would think about the things I'm doing, whether consciously or not. I have all these voices in my head telling me what to do and what not to do which match my family's norms. And since my family is toxic and abusive, that means these norms are toxic and abusive and I'm toxic and abusive. So I really need to change and that means getting away from this family system somehow, among other things.
I've tried to assert boundaries and go no-contact in the past and it always results in a shitstorm of abuse, typically from my mom and sometimes brothers, and in the latest round, I'm thinking I need to permanently cut ties with all of them. That thought brings me a sense of peace and bliss. But also a deep deep heartache and that's what I'm stuck on. I love these people, even though they're nasty and I don't really have relationships with them these days. I used to have deep bonds with my brothers when I was very young. I miss them terribly even though whenever I see them these days it's dreadful. I can't bring myself to tell them to never contact me again even though every time they contact me it's destabilizing. It's such a weird contradiction. It's like all of my hopes and dreams are tied up in my family, that one day we'll be together again and happy or something, and if I close that door forever, it's like I'm killing my own hope. I don't know if I can do it. But it seems like I have to. Any advice here is much appreciated.
The family I grew up in is basically an abusive cult, with my father at the top, and my mom and me and two brothers all fighting one another for position and attention. We're all nasty, horrible, toxic people now. We don't speak much, but somehow there is this deep emotional bond that keeps us glued together. Today I had a falling out with my mom after I tried to assert a boundary, and she sent me a nasty email, and my brother said he "sensed" something was up so called mom, and he emailed me as well…. This kind of thing is normal.
I probably spend 90% of my time thinking about my family and what they would think about the things I'm doing, whether consciously or not. I have all these voices in my head telling me what to do and what not to do which match my family's norms. And since my family is toxic and abusive, that means these norms are toxic and abusive and I'm toxic and abusive. So I really need to change and that means getting away from this family system somehow, among other things.
I've tried to assert boundaries and go no-contact in the past and it always results in a shitstorm of abuse, typically from my mom and sometimes brothers, and in the latest round, I'm thinking I need to permanently cut ties with all of them. That thought brings me a sense of peace and bliss. But also a deep deep heartache and that's what I'm stuck on. I love these people, even though they're nasty and I don't really have relationships with them these days. I used to have deep bonds with my brothers when I was very young. I miss them terribly even though whenever I see them these days it's dreadful. I can't bring myself to tell them to never contact me again even though every time they contact me it's destabilizing. It's such a weird contradiction. It's like all of my hopes and dreams are tied up in my family, that one day we'll be together again and happy or something, and if I close that door forever, it's like I'm killing my own hope. I don't know if I can do it. But it seems like I have to. Any advice here is much appreciated.
Best answer: I've tried to assert boundaries and go no-contact in the past and it always results in a shitstorm of abuse
I'll let others with more experience with this type of thing advise you, but it might help if you could clarify how they are able to do this when you've cut them off in the past- do they live nearby and end up showing up at your front door? Do they make a new email address to get around the fact that you've blocked all of them?
And would it help perhaps to consider it not leaving your family, but leaving a cult? That might leave open the possibility that if say, one of your brothers comes to the same conclusion ten years from now and also leaves the cult, you'd be open to a relationship then?
posted by coffeecat at 2:51 PM on January 15, 2022 [11 favorites]
I'll let others with more experience with this type of thing advise you, but it might help if you could clarify how they are able to do this when you've cut them off in the past- do they live nearby and end up showing up at your front door? Do they make a new email address to get around the fact that you've blocked all of them?
And would it help perhaps to consider it not leaving your family, but leaving a cult? That might leave open the possibility that if say, one of your brothers comes to the same conclusion ten years from now and also leaves the cult, you'd be open to a relationship then?
posted by coffeecat at 2:51 PM on January 15, 2022 [11 favorites]
Oh darlin. I came to askme to check in on an old post, & saw yours.
I have an awful family. Maybe not as bad as yours, but bad. A few (badly-numbered) thoughts:
(1) I don’t know you, but just because they’re awful doesnt mean you’re awful. The fact that you have some consciousness & concerns around it means you may be ok. You may have some bad habits (that get triggered especially around family) but there is hope.
(2) There are some great resources out there. A therapist if you’re able (i know an excellent one, $18/hour on zoom.) Books like Harriet Lerner’s Dance of Anger helped me a lot. Find books on narcissism and emotional immaturity - they may give you some framework for understanding. (Also the memoir Educated - a case study.) A good spiritual practice can also help, if you’re so inclined. (Keep it simple for now - meditation, self-inquiry - until you’re less vulnerable.)
(3) Focus on being who you want to be, in the midst of the crazy. You’re allowed to draw boundaries. People give choices, people make choices, back and forth. As a friend says (and as you already see), “when dealing with difficult people, the thing to remember is, there’s going to be pain no matter what.” Try to be kind, but you’re not required to accept abuse. Forgiveness is an internal process - it doesn’t mean you need to continue in a bad relationship, without accountability. If it was a spouse you could divorce them. You have one life.
(4) A friend’s therapist offered the suggestion - before each interaction ask yourself, “what do I want from this relationship?” My mom is a lost cause in many ways - has betrayed me in favor of my brothers many times - but I can do superficial with her (for the most part) - I talk to her for about 10 minutes a week, make sure she’s ok because she is my mom & it’s who i want to be. (Again, mine may not be as bad as yours.)
(5) You may find other ways to have distance. I had a hard time giving up hope (with my mom), but it helped a lot. (Ok, arguably i haven’t given up hope.) I tried to have a temporary break from one brother, it was too much for him & he made it permanent. It pains me but I can’t control it. I cut off another brother - or … gave him the choice not to yell at me anymore, & he wouldnt even read my email. I love & understand him enough that i feel his pain in losing me, but so it is. I can see so much of their pain, & where it came from … but still, no. They are family, a break hurts, but still … no. (& with time & later insight you may be able to come back to something better. There is always hope.)
(6) Forgive yourself. Whatever choices you make, always remember there was a reason. (And look up Philip Larkin’s famous poem - it may resonate.)
(7) Feel free to memail me. I’ll add more later if it comes to mind.
posted by anshuman at 3:11 PM on January 15, 2022 [10 favorites]
I have an awful family. Maybe not as bad as yours, but bad. A few (badly-numbered) thoughts:
(1) I don’t know you, but just because they’re awful doesnt mean you’re awful. The fact that you have some consciousness & concerns around it means you may be ok. You may have some bad habits (that get triggered especially around family) but there is hope.
(2) There are some great resources out there. A therapist if you’re able (i know an excellent one, $18/hour on zoom.) Books like Harriet Lerner’s Dance of Anger helped me a lot. Find books on narcissism and emotional immaturity - they may give you some framework for understanding. (Also the memoir Educated - a case study.) A good spiritual practice can also help, if you’re so inclined. (Keep it simple for now - meditation, self-inquiry - until you’re less vulnerable.)
(3) Focus on being who you want to be, in the midst of the crazy. You’re allowed to draw boundaries. People give choices, people make choices, back and forth. As a friend says (and as you already see), “when dealing with difficult people, the thing to remember is, there’s going to be pain no matter what.” Try to be kind, but you’re not required to accept abuse. Forgiveness is an internal process - it doesn’t mean you need to continue in a bad relationship, without accountability. If it was a spouse you could divorce them. You have one life.
(4) A friend’s therapist offered the suggestion - before each interaction ask yourself, “what do I want from this relationship?” My mom is a lost cause in many ways - has betrayed me in favor of my brothers many times - but I can do superficial with her (for the most part) - I talk to her for about 10 minutes a week, make sure she’s ok because she is my mom & it’s who i want to be. (Again, mine may not be as bad as yours.)
(5) You may find other ways to have distance. I had a hard time giving up hope (with my mom), but it helped a lot. (Ok, arguably i haven’t given up hope.) I tried to have a temporary break from one brother, it was too much for him & he made it permanent. It pains me but I can’t control it. I cut off another brother - or … gave him the choice not to yell at me anymore, & he wouldnt even read my email. I love & understand him enough that i feel his pain in losing me, but so it is. I can see so much of their pain, & where it came from … but still, no. They are family, a break hurts, but still … no. (& with time & later insight you may be able to come back to something better. There is always hope.)
(6) Forgive yourself. Whatever choices you make, always remember there was a reason. (And look up Philip Larkin’s famous poem - it may resonate.)
(7) Feel free to memail me. I’ll add more later if it comes to mind.
posted by anshuman at 3:11 PM on January 15, 2022 [10 favorites]
Listen, one day your family will be dead, and the problem will solve itself. Until then, if you’re not ready to cut them off, you’re not ready to cut them off. In general I find dramatic speeches and burning bridges are typically more trouble than they’re worth. You haven’t gone into much detail here, just the broad strokes, but it sounds like actively speaking up and asking your family to change is what causes a huge reaction and drama. There is a third way, often called “grey rock” in which you just ignore them 90% or more of the time and respond very selectively and only give positive reinforcement when they do something good. Have you tried this at all? They aren’t going to change, and emotional honesty isn’t going to work. However, if you cut out all emotions and think in extremely practical, tolerable small chunks, there may be some small % of mutual benefit you can still get from them. It is up to you and please do not beat yourself up more for “failing” at no contact. That’s counterproductive. Try to detach as much as you can to the point where you don’t even need or want to react. Easier said than done, I know. But remember “resistance is part of power.”
posted by stockpuppet at 3:35 PM on January 15, 2022 [13 favorites]
posted by stockpuppet at 3:35 PM on January 15, 2022 [13 favorites]
Remember that no contact can be a temporary break in what ultimately will be a good relationship. For example, I’ve gone no contact with exes for months or years who later — after time had passed, and things had changed — became and remain lifelong good friends. This is what you need now with your family, not necessarily permanently. You can mindfully and with compassion cease contact *for now.* Set your self a time period — 6 months, a year, five years? — and then re-evaluate what you want and what is possible with your family then.
posted by shadygrove at 3:44 PM on January 15, 2022 [13 favorites]
posted by shadygrove at 3:44 PM on January 15, 2022 [13 favorites]
Best answer: In my early 20's, I was a hopeless neurotic. I didn't start to heal until I got away from my toxic family. There's a whole world out there and you'll miss it if you don't get away from those people.
posted by SPrintF at 3:54 PM on January 15, 2022 [10 favorites]
posted by SPrintF at 3:54 PM on January 15, 2022 [10 favorites]
I agree with shadygrove. Try out a temporary break and if the end of the time starts approaching and you are getting anxious, extend it out another few months or however long.
posted by small_ruminant at 3:55 PM on January 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by small_ruminant at 3:55 PM on January 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
It's much easier to heal yourself and become a better, saner person when you're not reliving toxic dynamics. So to me, I read what you're saying and agree that you should part ways with these family members.
That said, you don't have to make a production of it. You can go no-contact without a lot of fuss, explanation, and drama. If you're concerned that your family won't understand what you're doing, you can say something simple like, "Just wanted to give you a heads-up that I'm going to be taking some solo time for a while and won't be in contact. I'm fine, so please don't be concerned." Then you block their phone numbers, social media accounts, all of it. They don't really need more than that.
Doing this also leaves you open to restart contact, should you ever want to do so.
posted by yellowcandy at 4:07 PM on January 15, 2022 [4 favorites]
That said, you don't have to make a production of it. You can go no-contact without a lot of fuss, explanation, and drama. If you're concerned that your family won't understand what you're doing, you can say something simple like, "Just wanted to give you a heads-up that I'm going to be taking some solo time for a while and won't be in contact. I'm fine, so please don't be concerned." Then you block their phone numbers, social media accounts, all of it. They don't really need more than that.
Doing this also leaves you open to restart contact, should you ever want to do so.
posted by yellowcandy at 4:07 PM on January 15, 2022 [4 favorites]
Just recently I heard Gabby Dunn say that sometimes doing what you have to do to set boundaries and take care of yourself will feel like you're just being an asshole and doing the wrong thing. Other people have these needs and you've been fulfilling those needs forever, and when you decide to put yourself first it feels all wrong. You're disappointing everybody, you're being selfish, etc. That stuff is REALLY hard to get past, especially if you've actually got people telling you're being a big whiny baby and you need to just get with the program and go back to doing what they want.
So, whatever you chose, it probably won't feel great for a while. Allowing your family to continue fucking up your life won't feel great, shutting them out won't feel great, and any compromise probably won't feel great either. At least, when you shut them out, you have periods where you feel bliss. You probably don't have those same periods of bliss when your family is in your life, and that tells you something.
I've noticed from some of your previous comments that you are really, REALLY hard on yourself. Here you say "we're all nasty, horrible, toxic people," for example, very much including yourself in your family's assholery. I get the sense that you have some deep self-loathing going on, and I'd strongly suggest therapy. Try to give yourself some credit. If you were really such a hopeless piece of shit, you probably wouldn't be agonizing like this over the prospect of hurting your family.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 4:26 PM on January 15, 2022 [15 favorites]
So, whatever you chose, it probably won't feel great for a while. Allowing your family to continue fucking up your life won't feel great, shutting them out won't feel great, and any compromise probably won't feel great either. At least, when you shut them out, you have periods where you feel bliss. You probably don't have those same periods of bliss when your family is in your life, and that tells you something.
I've noticed from some of your previous comments that you are really, REALLY hard on yourself. Here you say "we're all nasty, horrible, toxic people," for example, very much including yourself in your family's assholery. I get the sense that you have some deep self-loathing going on, and I'd strongly suggest therapy. Try to give yourself some credit. If you were really such a hopeless piece of shit, you probably wouldn't be agonizing like this over the prospect of hurting your family.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 4:26 PM on January 15, 2022 [15 favorites]
The pain of cutting them off will get better. The pain you feel in having them being able to accost you emotionally will not. Ever. Wishing you peace and clarity.
posted by ivanthenotsoterrible at 4:54 PM on January 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by ivanthenotsoterrible at 4:54 PM on January 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: It's done. I did it. Thank you all.
O framed it as me taking indefinite time away from the family dynamic which we are all part of. I was pretty honest and explained myself thoroughly rather than just saying 'im taking time away', it felt good to explain myself because I know it will feel less personal to them that way.
Feel very relieved right now. Heartbreak issues melted away as soon as I started writing the emails honestly with my legitimate reasons for doing thism.
posted by PercussivePaul at 5:53 PM on January 15, 2022 [37 favorites]
O framed it as me taking indefinite time away from the family dynamic which we are all part of. I was pretty honest and explained myself thoroughly rather than just saying 'im taking time away', it felt good to explain myself because I know it will feel less personal to them that way.
Feel very relieved right now. Heartbreak issues melted away as soon as I started writing the emails honestly with my legitimate reasons for doing thism.
posted by PercussivePaul at 5:53 PM on January 15, 2022 [37 favorites]
Response by poster: P.s. it's possible to be both a victim and an abuser. I am literally 100% a perpetrator of domestic violence. I treat my wife far worse than i treat my family. If you're one of the people who thinks I'm being down on myself for no reason I would encourage you to challenge that.
posted by PercussivePaul at 6:02 PM on January 15, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by PercussivePaul at 6:02 PM on January 15, 2022 [6 favorites]
I will just say that the experience of becoming estranged from my family of origin didn't happen overnight, and there are times I am still deeply sad about it. People say that it gets better, and it does, but it's been like ten years now and I still found myself crying over it today. I have no regrets and cannot resume a relationship with any of them of any kind, ever, at all, period. But it doesn't mean that my feelings about it aren't complicated.
I guess my point is that is okay and normal if your feelings of relief change. If you feel guilt and if you feel joy kind of simultaneously.
I hear you on the point of being both a victim and an abuser. Just cutting off your family is not going to change that, but personally I found that being outside of the abuse cycle within my family helped me be much more thoughtful and intentional about not engaging in similar dynamics with people I care about.
posted by sm1tten at 6:43 PM on January 15, 2022 [2 favorites]
I guess my point is that is okay and normal if your feelings of relief change. If you feel guilt and if you feel joy kind of simultaneously.
I hear you on the point of being both a victim and an abuser. Just cutting off your family is not going to change that, but personally I found that being outside of the abuse cycle within my family helped me be much more thoughtful and intentional about not engaging in similar dynamics with people I care about.
posted by sm1tten at 6:43 PM on January 15, 2022 [2 favorites]
I actually think it’s really common to be both victim & abuser. I also believe it’s possible to change, if you want to. Good luck.
posted by anshuman at 7:09 PM on January 15, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by anshuman at 7:09 PM on January 15, 2022 [6 favorites]
There's a short and pretty good Wikipedia page on the cycle of abuse. It's a known thing and it's absolutely inheritable.
As was recently pointed out to me by a friend about my strained relationship to my brother, "you both were broken by the same people."
posted by rhizome at 7:39 PM on January 15, 2022
As was recently pointed out to me by a friend about my strained relationship to my brother, "you both were broken by the same people."
posted by rhizome at 7:39 PM on January 15, 2022
I am literally 100% a perpetrator of domestic violence.
If you want help with this, there are counselors who specialize in treating it. Your local domestic abuse agency should be able to direct you to someone. You can look up an agency here:
In the USA: DomesticShelters.org
International: HotPeachPages.net
If you contact them and don’t have any luck and you’re in the USA, memail me and I can find you someone.
posted by MexicanYenta at 8:06 PM on January 15, 2022 [8 favorites]
If you want help with this, there are counselors who specialize in treating it. Your local domestic abuse agency should be able to direct you to someone. You can look up an agency here:
In the USA: DomesticShelters.org
International: HotPeachPages.net
If you contact them and don’t have any luck and you’re in the USA, memail me and I can find you someone.
posted by MexicanYenta at 8:06 PM on January 15, 2022 [8 favorites]
You really need a support system right now, in particular as the first wave of responses come from your family. The responses are going to be toxic and ugly and harsh and you should have someone uninvolved to help keep things in perspective.
I strongly suggest short term therapy. Just to have someone unequivocally on your side.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:36 PM on January 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
I strongly suggest short term therapy. Just to have someone unequivocally on your side.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:36 PM on January 15, 2022 [1 favorite]
I saw that you updated saying that you told your family you're cutting them off for good.
There's nothing wrong with this, but might I suggest that even telling them this information is a way to keep you and them locked in this cycle? They'll be ruminating and stewing over your words now and trying to formulate the perfect comeback to get you sucked back in.
For me, I found that gray rocking is the way. Extinction learning. My mom keeps contacting me (emails etc) and I just send them to archive (I don't delete stuff in case I ever need to go back and remind myself for my own sanity of the true events) without reading them.
It makes more sense to me to do it this way than to make a big announcement. Big announcements seem to feed the drama cycle IMHO. Just fading away has been working well for me.
Also look at if you're feeling especially stressed about something else in your life right now that triggered this announcement for you because it doesn't seem to be totally random or that it's because somehow Now you're at the end of your tether with them.
posted by erattacorrige at 9:49 PM on January 15, 2022 [6 favorites]
There's nothing wrong with this, but might I suggest that even telling them this information is a way to keep you and them locked in this cycle? They'll be ruminating and stewing over your words now and trying to formulate the perfect comeback to get you sucked back in.
For me, I found that gray rocking is the way. Extinction learning. My mom keeps contacting me (emails etc) and I just send them to archive (I don't delete stuff in case I ever need to go back and remind myself for my own sanity of the true events) without reading them.
It makes more sense to me to do it this way than to make a big announcement. Big announcements seem to feed the drama cycle IMHO. Just fading away has been working well for me.
Also look at if you're feeling especially stressed about something else in your life right now that triggered this announcement for you because it doesn't seem to be totally random or that it's because somehow Now you're at the end of your tether with them.
posted by erattacorrige at 9:49 PM on January 15, 2022 [6 favorites]
I cut off my mother about a decade ago. I'm a better person (and a better mother) for it.
Please know that you did the right thing by breaking the cycle.
You will likely be subjected to a great deal of harassment from your family of origin. There will be blame, insults and accusations. It will abate.
You don't have to RSVP yes to every conflict. You can decline the invitation.
Those of us who grew up in high conflict environments have a hard time with that, but it gets easier with time.
posted by champers at 6:26 AM on January 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
Please know that you did the right thing by breaking the cycle.
You will likely be subjected to a great deal of harassment from your family of origin. There will be blame, insults and accusations. It will abate.
You don't have to RSVP yes to every conflict. You can decline the invitation.
Those of us who grew up in high conflict environments have a hard time with that, but it gets easier with time.
posted by champers at 6:26 AM on January 16, 2022 [2 favorites]
Since you say you are actively abusing your wife* and wish to stop, you absolutely must seek out and stick to individual counseling by a competent therapist who works with perpetrators of abuse if you genuinely want to break the cycle of abuse you're in.
You have my full support for the choices you are making in terms of ending contact with your family and working on your own healing. But it's never an excuse to hurt others: if you literally cannot stop yourself from being emotionally/verbally/ physically/sexually/ etc. abusive towards your wife right now, you need to get the fuck away from her until you have gotten control over yourself and ceased hurting her.
posted by smorgasbord at 8:51 PM on January 16, 2022 [9 favorites]
You have my full support for the choices you are making in terms of ending contact with your family and working on your own healing. But it's never an excuse to hurt others: if you literally cannot stop yourself from being emotionally/verbally/ physically/sexually/ etc. abusive towards your wife right now, you need to get the fuck away from her until you have gotten control over yourself and ceased hurting her.
posted by smorgasbord at 8:51 PM on January 16, 2022 [9 favorites]
I read a Reddit thread (maybe Best of Legal Advice?) recently about a guy who was obsessed with a girl he barely knew and his behavior escalated into stalking. She finally served him with a restraining order and he panicked and asked Reddit if his behavior was REALLY that bad. He was told unequivocally that it was. He doubled down in the thread but the scolding continued.
The combo of the RO and the Reddit scolding became his wakeup call. He researched groups and programs in his city to help abusive men stop being abusive. He found one. Most of the men there had been legally mandated to be there, he went of his own volition. He read The Gift of Fear and Why Does He Do That? He learned a lot about how bad his behavior had been, he realized that it was linked to childhood codependency issues with his family, he realized that he had behaved similarly in other relationships, even platonic ones, he sought out individual therapy to address that, he continued to work the program. He left the girl alone. He turned his life around.
I say all this to echo smorgasbord's comment above: there are avenues you can and must pursue to stop abusing your wife. Therapy, yes. But see if you can find similar programs in your area specifically designed to help abusive men stop being abusers. They exist. They can help if you are committed to doing the work - and it sounds like you are, but you are stuck in some sort of holding pattern, probably because of your family of origin messed you up.
I know this doesn't answer your initial question but the fact that you mention that you abuse your wife (and I have noticed in the past when you comment on other relationship threads here that you also often mention your abusive behavior) makes me feel like if you start by addressing this, which feels like a more pressing issue, it will help you process cutting off your family of origin with less pain, because you will be working to de-program all of the abusive behavior they taught you.
I wish you the best of luck. My family of origin sucks too and it has impacted my relationship in various ways as well. Work on fixing your family - you and your wife - and I think the rest of this will feel less painful. And yes, perhaps consider separating from your wife for a while while you work on this.
posted by nayantara at 7:46 AM on January 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
The combo of the RO and the Reddit scolding became his wakeup call. He researched groups and programs in his city to help abusive men stop being abusive. He found one. Most of the men there had been legally mandated to be there, he went of his own volition. He read The Gift of Fear and Why Does He Do That? He learned a lot about how bad his behavior had been, he realized that it was linked to childhood codependency issues with his family, he realized that he had behaved similarly in other relationships, even platonic ones, he sought out individual therapy to address that, he continued to work the program. He left the girl alone. He turned his life around.
I say all this to echo smorgasbord's comment above: there are avenues you can and must pursue to stop abusing your wife. Therapy, yes. But see if you can find similar programs in your area specifically designed to help abusive men stop being abusers. They exist. They can help if you are committed to doing the work - and it sounds like you are, but you are stuck in some sort of holding pattern, probably because of your family of origin messed you up.
I know this doesn't answer your initial question but the fact that you mention that you abuse your wife (and I have noticed in the past when you comment on other relationship threads here that you also often mention your abusive behavior) makes me feel like if you start by addressing this, which feels like a more pressing issue, it will help you process cutting off your family of origin with less pain, because you will be working to de-program all of the abusive behavior they taught you.
I wish you the best of luck. My family of origin sucks too and it has impacted my relationship in various ways as well. Work on fixing your family - you and your wife - and I think the rest of this will feel less painful. And yes, perhaps consider separating from your wife for a while while you work on this.
posted by nayantara at 7:46 AM on January 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
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This choice totally zucks. It's completely unfair. Nobody should ever have to make it. Having no better option than needing to is not OK.
I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by flabdablet at 2:45 PM on January 15, 2022 [21 favorites]