Partner has been taken in for domestic violence - help
January 15, 2022 1:49 AM Subscribe
Please trust me when I say that my partner is not a threat to me - I am a large male and they are small female and we had an altercation and a mark was left on me. They were taken into custody tonight because I was worried they might harm themselves and called the cops. Cops saw the mark on me and arrested them.
We had a bad night and we were both intoxicated. It's very important to me that we minimize the effects of this on my person and her career prospects. Any help on that front is greatly appreciated. I cannot overemphasize that I am safe; I love this person; and we got drunk and tangled and shouldn't have. I have contacted a criminal lawyer and I will go bail them out first thing in the morning, but I'm hoping to hear other steps I should take.
We had a bad night and we were both intoxicated. It's very important to me that we minimize the effects of this on my person and her career prospects. Any help on that front is greatly appreciated. I cannot overemphasize that I am safe; I love this person; and we got drunk and tangled and shouldn't have. I have contacted a criminal lawyer and I will go bail them out first thing in the morning, but I'm hoping to hear other steps I should take.
I think you're taking an awful lot of responsibility here for someone else's actions, when you talk about how you can minimise the effect on her career of something she did that can carry criminal penalties. Unless she was acting in self defense (reasonable for her to be afraid of you if you are larger and stronger), and the police are unaware of that fact? I hope the lawyer is working for her and not for you.
Either way, it could be more fruitful to think about what you can do for yourself, which in both cases could be, removing yourself from a situation where this kind of thing happens. That too can be an act of love: nobody should be in a situation where "physical violence with a partner" is on the table.
posted by quacks like a duck at 2:59 AM on January 15, 2022 [9 favorites]
Either way, it could be more fruitful to think about what you can do for yourself, which in both cases could be, removing yourself from a situation where this kind of thing happens. That too can be an act of love: nobody should be in a situation where "physical violence with a partner" is on the table.
posted by quacks like a duck at 2:59 AM on January 15, 2022 [9 favorites]
In many jurisdictions, maybe in most, law enforcement is required to make an arrest when there is evidence of domestic assault, and any protests by the person perceived as "victim" will not be considered. It is at the prosecutor's office that a decision on how to proceed is made. That is where an experienced lawyer can help most.
posted by yclipse at 3:06 AM on January 15, 2022 [12 favorites]
posted by yclipse at 3:06 AM on January 15, 2022 [12 favorites]
If you are concerned about the effect this arrest will have on your partner you need to talk to the prosecutor and try to facilitate having the charges dropped in exchange for a lesser charge that does not include an element of violence. Any charge of domestic violence whether found guilty or not guilty, can do irreparable damage to a person's current employment, future employment, housing or custody arrangement. If you feel strongly about your partner's ability to leave this in the past you need to show the state that they are going to have to prove their case without your help. Also search for agencies that can assist you both in controlling the situation either with the alcohol consumption or anger management to get a head start on what the state will try to court order.
posted by The_imp_inimpossible at 3:06 AM on January 15, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by The_imp_inimpossible at 3:06 AM on January 15, 2022 [6 favorites]
(Disclaimer, I'm a volunteer domestic violence advocate. And on preview, most of this is just reiterating what others have said)
I can't speak for where you are, but in Seattle, there's a rule that says if the police determine a DV assault has been committed, someone has to be arrested. Usually, but not always, that will be determined by who has been physically damaged the most (who is the "primary aggressor"). This rule is in place in large part to give DV victims the ability to get away from the abuser, if they want and are able.
However, what happens after varies widely, based on the circumstances. (speculation follows). "a mark", if you're being forthcoming, sounds likely not to be charged as a felony. In Seattle, what would happen is that your partner would be released (fast, like less than 24 hours depending on day/holiday/crowding in jail, etc) pending charges. Before release, someone from the jail will try to contact the victim (you) to get a statement, which is used in consideration of whether or not a no-contact order is put in place, etc. This is a point where you can have an effect on the case, as they may ask you about history of DV, fear, etc.
As a misdemeanor, the case would be referred to the city attorney's office, and there would be no further action on the police department's part (currently no investigations of one-off DV misdemeanors without extenuating circumstances).
The prosecutors will review the case at some point, and decide to file charges. Based on what I've seen, especially in the last two years, in Seattle this case would be dropped without charges being filed. But that's based on your accurate relaying of what happened. And also I'm neither a lawyer nor prosecutor. This is another place where having an attorney can help, although you can also try to contact the prosecutor's office on your own. In Seattle there are DV advocates attached to the prosecutor's office, to assist victims through the court case. Talking with one of them about your desires w/r/t the case is another way you can impact the prosecutor's decisions about whether to file charges or not.
I'm not sure about long-term issues if there was an arrest but no charges filed. Others might have more experience with that.
(soapbox) One thing to pay attention to is that if the judge issues a no-contact order, DO NOT VIOLATE IT. While violations aren't usually felonies, if you want to avoid further legal entanglements, pay attention to court orders (in this case, make sure your partner pays attention). The other reason not to violate it is to help other DV victims stay safe, by ensuring that the criminal-legal system and the community as a whole takes court order violations seriously (as opposed to say, just throwing up their hands because everyone violates orders).
The National Domestic Violence Hotline might have other suggestions/resources for you, especially about minimizing the effects of this situation on your life (as a victim).
I'm sorry this happened to you, and I hope you and your partner can get through this while staying safe and healthy.
posted by Gorgik at 3:33 AM on January 15, 2022 [26 favorites]
I can't speak for where you are, but in Seattle, there's a rule that says if the police determine a DV assault has been committed, someone has to be arrested. Usually, but not always, that will be determined by who has been physically damaged the most (who is the "primary aggressor"). This rule is in place in large part to give DV victims the ability to get away from the abuser, if they want and are able.
However, what happens after varies widely, based on the circumstances. (speculation follows). "a mark", if you're being forthcoming, sounds likely not to be charged as a felony. In Seattle, what would happen is that your partner would be released (fast, like less than 24 hours depending on day/holiday/crowding in jail, etc) pending charges. Before release, someone from the jail will try to contact the victim (you) to get a statement, which is used in consideration of whether or not a no-contact order is put in place, etc. This is a point where you can have an effect on the case, as they may ask you about history of DV, fear, etc.
As a misdemeanor, the case would be referred to the city attorney's office, and there would be no further action on the police department's part (currently no investigations of one-off DV misdemeanors without extenuating circumstances).
The prosecutors will review the case at some point, and decide to file charges. Based on what I've seen, especially in the last two years, in Seattle this case would be dropped without charges being filed. But that's based on your accurate relaying of what happened. And also I'm neither a lawyer nor prosecutor. This is another place where having an attorney can help, although you can also try to contact the prosecutor's office on your own. In Seattle there are DV advocates attached to the prosecutor's office, to assist victims through the court case. Talking with one of them about your desires w/r/t the case is another way you can impact the prosecutor's decisions about whether to file charges or not.
I'm not sure about long-term issues if there was an arrest but no charges filed. Others might have more experience with that.
(soapbox) One thing to pay attention to is that if the judge issues a no-contact order, DO NOT VIOLATE IT. While violations aren't usually felonies, if you want to avoid further legal entanglements, pay attention to court orders (in this case, make sure your partner pays attention). The other reason not to violate it is to help other DV victims stay safe, by ensuring that the criminal-legal system and the community as a whole takes court order violations seriously (as opposed to say, just throwing up their hands because everyone violates orders).
The National Domestic Violence Hotline might have other suggestions/resources for you, especially about minimizing the effects of this situation on your life (as a victim).
I'm sorry this happened to you, and I hope you and your partner can get through this while staying safe and healthy.
posted by Gorgik at 3:33 AM on January 15, 2022 [26 favorites]
I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this, I hope you find a solution for yourself and your partner that is the best possible outcome for you to be safe moving forward.
You hav already done the correct thing - hiring a criminal defense attorney. Ideally you found one that practices in the town where this happened. There are a number of places to search if you do not know anyone - avvo.com and findlaw.com are two options, they are kind of like Yelp for lawyers. Some listings are paid, but they also find public info and are like a yellowpages or directory for lawyers. Like Yelp, these sites are not perfect, but are a good place to start.
When you talk to the attorney, make it clear that you are not the person in custody. The lawyer can still advise you. Your partner may need to get different lawyer (as you are technically the victim - and obviously the alleged perpetrator and victim cannot share the same attorney). Any criminal defense attorney will have dealt with this and will know what to do, and can probably refer other attorneys to represent your partner if needed. Many attorneys also do work as victim advocates.
Gorgik is correct, each state is different, but it is common that if the police suspect Domestic Violence, they MUST take someone into custody, and it is not up to the individual officer to decide. With shocking regularity, a DV victim will ask police not to intervene, claim any injury was self-inflicted or an accident, and later the same police are called back to find the original victim seriously injured or dead. Because of this, police departments just don't take the risk of allowing officers to make those judgement calls anymore.
A few things about the criminal justice system that you should be aware of. First, unlike in a civil case, in a criminal case you are not the party making charges, the state is. You are a witness and/or victim, but you do not automatically get to "drop charges." It is up to the District Attorney (or state/county attorney) to decide which events to prosecute or not - though often they will use their discretion based on facts gained from involved parties (you). The best resource is a defense attorney who practices locally and knows the police and district attorneys involved. For the most part, police and district attorneys are busy with lots of crime, and want small matters where the public is not at future risk to just go away.
Second, the criminal justice system is designed to work even if all parties act in the worst bad faith. Try not to take this personally, but they are going to assume everyone is lying to protect their interests, including you. If your partner is a dangerous violent serial offender, and you have been scared into fear of future reprisal and/or trapped by ongoing abuse or financial abuse, then you would try your hardest to convince the cops/district attorney that this was just a misunderstanding. See how hard that makes it to prove it is just a misunderstanding!
posted by sol at 4:29 AM on January 15, 2022 [10 favorites]
You hav already done the correct thing - hiring a criminal defense attorney. Ideally you found one that practices in the town where this happened. There are a number of places to search if you do not know anyone - avvo.com and findlaw.com are two options, they are kind of like Yelp for lawyers. Some listings are paid, but they also find public info and are like a yellowpages or directory for lawyers. Like Yelp, these sites are not perfect, but are a good place to start.
When you talk to the attorney, make it clear that you are not the person in custody. The lawyer can still advise you. Your partner may need to get different lawyer (as you are technically the victim - and obviously the alleged perpetrator and victim cannot share the same attorney). Any criminal defense attorney will have dealt with this and will know what to do, and can probably refer other attorneys to represent your partner if needed. Many attorneys also do work as victim advocates.
Gorgik is correct, each state is different, but it is common that if the police suspect Domestic Violence, they MUST take someone into custody, and it is not up to the individual officer to decide. With shocking regularity, a DV victim will ask police not to intervene, claim any injury was self-inflicted or an accident, and later the same police are called back to find the original victim seriously injured or dead. Because of this, police departments just don't take the risk of allowing officers to make those judgement calls anymore.
A few things about the criminal justice system that you should be aware of. First, unlike in a civil case, in a criminal case you are not the party making charges, the state is. You are a witness and/or victim, but you do not automatically get to "drop charges." It is up to the District Attorney (or state/county attorney) to decide which events to prosecute or not - though often they will use their discretion based on facts gained from involved parties (you). The best resource is a defense attorney who practices locally and knows the police and district attorneys involved. For the most part, police and district attorneys are busy with lots of crime, and want small matters where the public is not at future risk to just go away.
Second, the criminal justice system is designed to work even if all parties act in the worst bad faith. Try not to take this personally, but they are going to assume everyone is lying to protect their interests, including you. If your partner is a dangerous violent serial offender, and you have been scared into fear of future reprisal and/or trapped by ongoing abuse or financial abuse, then you would try your hardest to convince the cops/district attorney that this was just a misunderstanding. See how hard that makes it to prove it is just a misunderstanding!
posted by sol at 4:29 AM on January 15, 2022 [10 favorites]
When a tiny female friend of mine was taken in on a charge like this, the best thing that happened for her was that she was persuaded to drop her expensive criminal defense attorney and switch to the county public defender's office. I can't remember the blow-by-blow, but the paid attorney was pursuing a course that was not in her best interest and taking a lot of her cash, whereas the public defender was able to turn the situation around and clear her record.
Depending on how the merits of her case and how solid or not solid your attorney is, this might be a good idea. IANAL...
posted by johngoren at 6:35 AM on January 15, 2022
Depending on how the merits of her case and how solid or not solid your attorney is, this might be a good idea. IANAL...
posted by johngoren at 6:35 AM on January 15, 2022
Lots of good answers so far. Two things I'd add: 1) every state and locality is different, which is why you shouldn't put too much stock in what internet strangers say - that's why you're talking to a lawyer. 2) Most states have laws giving crime victims certain rights. You likely want to hire a lawyer for you (not her) who can help you enforce those rights. You may also want to hire her a lawyer if she doesn't quality for a public defender, but you're likely to get a far better outcome if you have a experienced attorney advocating directly for your interests who knows how to navigate the system.
posted by Happydaz at 7:39 AM on January 15, 2022
posted by Happydaz at 7:39 AM on January 15, 2022
People have covered some of the legal aspects, and that you have rights as a someone who has experienced a physical injury from an intimate partner. These vary dramatically based on locale, and local resources are absolutely the best. I want to emphasize that you are eligible for domestic violence resources. These can be fairly robust services including things like counseling, employment, shelter/housing, transportation, and legal assistance. These are things you can access even if you do not believe you need or deserve these services. Many will do their own assessments to determine if you qualify for services and it is 100% okay to speak to an agency about if you qualify if you are unsure or are fairly certain you don't. Based on what you said above you do.
I want to challenge you that everything is okay and you are safe because, healthy relationships never ever ever have moments in which both or single person gets so drunk they fight each other. Most relationships don't involve calling the police on their partner ever, even in mental health crisis. This is not normal. It is not healthy.
Love is NOT an indicator of safety. Love is not an indicator of well being. It is not an indicator of healthy. People are reacting strongly because there are victims of domestic violence who are killed by people that they deeply care about.
In terms of your goals to support your partner, staying calm, substance free (you do not mention how often you drink, but as you reported this incident had alcohol involved so I decided to mention it), and articulate your point of view and situation clearly. You may want to write down how you want to explain this situation to a lawyer and other people you need to disclose too. Keep a journal/notebook of contacts and important dates. It is really easy to get lost in details of cases, these things are complicated with many moving parts and the more organized you are the better.
If substance/alcohol abuse treatment/counseling is something you may need I encourage you to seek that out, there are lots of options out there.
posted by AlexiaSky at 10:50 AM on January 15, 2022 [11 favorites]
I want to challenge you that everything is okay and you are safe because, healthy relationships never ever ever have moments in which both or single person gets so drunk they fight each other. Most relationships don't involve calling the police on their partner ever, even in mental health crisis. This is not normal. It is not healthy.
Love is NOT an indicator of safety. Love is not an indicator of well being. It is not an indicator of healthy. People are reacting strongly because there are victims of domestic violence who are killed by people that they deeply care about.
In terms of your goals to support your partner, staying calm, substance free (you do not mention how often you drink, but as you reported this incident had alcohol involved so I decided to mention it), and articulate your point of view and situation clearly. You may want to write down how you want to explain this situation to a lawyer and other people you need to disclose too. Keep a journal/notebook of contacts and important dates. It is really easy to get lost in details of cases, these things are complicated with many moving parts and the more organized you are the better.
If substance/alcohol abuse treatment/counseling is something you may need I encourage you to seek that out, there are lots of options out there.
posted by AlexiaSky at 10:50 AM on January 15, 2022 [11 favorites]
I am not a legal expert but I want to chime in with the POV of someone who has been through this and did NOT feel that they were a DV victim. This happened to some friends of mine, and I helped them get a lawyer. TW: description of mental illness, self harm, and violence.
EARLY 2020, my friend "Jimmy" who had been suffering from mental health issues for a while basically had a psychotic break at home. He was threatening self harm and screaming, he broke a glass and was threatening to cut himself, and his wife "Sandra" was trying to restrain him from doing so. She was yelling at him to try to calm down, and was planning on calling for an ambulance. In the process, Jimmy was pushing and shoving at to try to get her to stop holding him, and got a few hits in there that left bruises on her upper arms. This was the first time he had ever been violent, and it was absolutely because he was having a psychotic break. Before Sandra could get to her phone to call an ambulance, the cops showed up because neighbors had heard the commotion and called. Because Sandra had visible bruises on her arms, the arrested Jimmy and took him into custody. (This was super bad because he was still in the middle of a psychotic break and behaving in ways that made him look like he was a raging abuser, but he reeeeeeally just needed to get to the psych ward.)
Sandra was asked to give a statement at the scene and explained what happened and that she did not consider herself to be a victim and only wanted to get Jimmy the help he obviously needed. But the cops considered the bruises to be evidence of assault, booked him, he spent the night in jail, and his sister bailed him out in the morning and got him to the psych ward at the local hospital.
Sandra called me, I called my lawyer, my lawyer said he'd represent Sandra. When Jimmy was bailed out he had to sign an order of protection to stay away from Sandra and not contact her as a condition of his release. Jimmy was assigned a public defender. My lawyer called the public defender to fill him in on what happened. Jimmy was given a court date and went there with his appointed lawyer. Sandra was also told to come to court that day because the police assumed she was pressing charges. My lawyer told her that they would not appear in court and did some lawyerly thing (sorry I'm not a lawyer and was just a 3rd party observer) talking to the DA and said that Sandra would NOT EVER appear in court and catagorically did not want to press charges and would refuse to cooperate if any attempt to coerce her to press charges was made by the police or the DA. Jimmy got through the court date and then immediately went to an inpatient psychiatric facility for treatment. COVID happened, delaying a second court date for Jimmy. Eventually, because Sandra held firm on not pressing charges, the case was dropped. Jimmy finished inpatient treatment and came home. He is ok now.
Basically, the police will assume assault because you had a mark on you. You've hire a lawyer, which is great and you should take their advice but I suspect they will advise you to do what Sandra's lawyer did, which is talk to the DA and tell them that you refuse to press charges and will not turn up in court if your partner is asked to appear. Basically don't cooperate.
I'm not going to make any assumptions about your relationship or whether or not you are truly safe. I'll let you make that assessment. You say this was a drunken night gone wrong, and lord knows I've had those (not to this extent, but I used to be a binge drinker and I did a lot of bad things during that time in my life). Maybe look into alcohol treatment or couples counseling if you think this may happen again?
At any rate, I just wanted to give you a real life example of a situation like yours where abuse was assumed but the purported victim did not consider them to be a victim. This can be dealt with. Your lawyer will help.
Be kind to yourself. Good luck.
posted by nayantara at 11:15 AM on January 15, 2022 [7 favorites]
EARLY 2020, my friend "Jimmy" who had been suffering from mental health issues for a while basically had a psychotic break at home. He was threatening self harm and screaming, he broke a glass and was threatening to cut himself, and his wife "Sandra" was trying to restrain him from doing so. She was yelling at him to try to calm down, and was planning on calling for an ambulance. In the process, Jimmy was pushing and shoving at to try to get her to stop holding him, and got a few hits in there that left bruises on her upper arms. This was the first time he had ever been violent, and it was absolutely because he was having a psychotic break. Before Sandra could get to her phone to call an ambulance, the cops showed up because neighbors had heard the commotion and called. Because Sandra had visible bruises on her arms, the arrested Jimmy and took him into custody. (This was super bad because he was still in the middle of a psychotic break and behaving in ways that made him look like he was a raging abuser, but he reeeeeeally just needed to get to the psych ward.)
Sandra was asked to give a statement at the scene and explained what happened and that she did not consider herself to be a victim and only wanted to get Jimmy the help he obviously needed. But the cops considered the bruises to be evidence of assault, booked him, he spent the night in jail, and his sister bailed him out in the morning and got him to the psych ward at the local hospital.
Sandra called me, I called my lawyer, my lawyer said he'd represent Sandra. When Jimmy was bailed out he had to sign an order of protection to stay away from Sandra and not contact her as a condition of his release. Jimmy was assigned a public defender. My lawyer called the public defender to fill him in on what happened. Jimmy was given a court date and went there with his appointed lawyer. Sandra was also told to come to court that day because the police assumed she was pressing charges. My lawyer told her that they would not appear in court and did some lawyerly thing (sorry I'm not a lawyer and was just a 3rd party observer) talking to the DA and said that Sandra would NOT EVER appear in court and catagorically did not want to press charges and would refuse to cooperate if any attempt to coerce her to press charges was made by the police or the DA. Jimmy got through the court date and then immediately went to an inpatient psychiatric facility for treatment. COVID happened, delaying a second court date for Jimmy. Eventually, because Sandra held firm on not pressing charges, the case was dropped. Jimmy finished inpatient treatment and came home. He is ok now.
Basically, the police will assume assault because you had a mark on you. You've hire a lawyer, which is great and you should take their advice but I suspect they will advise you to do what Sandra's lawyer did, which is talk to the DA and tell them that you refuse to press charges and will not turn up in court if your partner is asked to appear. Basically don't cooperate.
I'm not going to make any assumptions about your relationship or whether or not you are truly safe. I'll let you make that assessment. You say this was a drunken night gone wrong, and lord knows I've had those (not to this extent, but I used to be a binge drinker and I did a lot of bad things during that time in my life). Maybe look into alcohol treatment or couples counseling if you think this may happen again?
At any rate, I just wanted to give you a real life example of a situation like yours where abuse was assumed but the purported victim did not consider them to be a victim. This can be dealt with. Your lawyer will help.
Be kind to yourself. Good luck.
posted by nayantara at 11:15 AM on January 15, 2022 [7 favorites]
I have had friends in difficult situations with partners or adult children who could become combative under certain circumstances, and sometimes the police were called. The general understanding among the community of caretakers who face this situation is that you absolutely make it clear you're not going to "cooperate" - cooperate with pressing charges or with the DA pursuit of charges. You're effectively going to tie a lot of hands if you stick to "I walked into a door" or whatever, as the historical story goes.
You only have so much control over what happens from here. You actually did have an incident of domestic violence, and you and your partner now both have new fresh serious trauma that is not going to resolve for months, and I would focus on getting help (psychological, chemical) immediately under your own initiatives. This is so you actually get better instead of dramatically worse, but it is also because you may need it in your hip pocket if an aggressive DA decides to force the issue.
You should assume your partner has COVID now, FYI. If she comes home y'all both need to lock it down for 10 days, so you should decide ASAP whether she should quarantine elsewhere/you go elsewhere so she can quarantine at home or if it is safe to be locked in the house together at rock bottom for a week or more without this situation escalating. If your alcohol use has reached a point where you couldn't safely stop drinking cold turkey you need to make some quick decisions about how to mitigate both detox and another potential incident.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:56 AM on January 15, 2022 [8 favorites]
You only have so much control over what happens from here. You actually did have an incident of domestic violence, and you and your partner now both have new fresh serious trauma that is not going to resolve for months, and I would focus on getting help (psychological, chemical) immediately under your own initiatives. This is so you actually get better instead of dramatically worse, but it is also because you may need it in your hip pocket if an aggressive DA decides to force the issue.
You should assume your partner has COVID now, FYI. If she comes home y'all both need to lock it down for 10 days, so you should decide ASAP whether she should quarantine elsewhere/you go elsewhere so she can quarantine at home or if it is safe to be locked in the house together at rock bottom for a week or more without this situation escalating. If your alcohol use has reached a point where you couldn't safely stop drinking cold turkey you need to make some quick decisions about how to mitigate both detox and another potential incident.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:56 AM on January 15, 2022 [8 favorites]
I want to reiterate what was said above about not violating a no-contact order. It takes a situation where no crime has been committed and turns it into one — what criminal charges there are now can be handled by refusing to testify, but violating an order from the court is out of your hands.
Please trust me when I say that my partner is not a threat to me - I am a large male and they are small female
If this is the only reason you feel safe, please rethink what you’re doing. Humans are tool using animals and long ago invented knives and guns to make up for size disparity.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 12:30 PM on January 15, 2022 [2 favorites]
Please trust me when I say that my partner is not a threat to me - I am a large male and they are small female
If this is the only reason you feel safe, please rethink what you’re doing. Humans are tool using animals and long ago invented knives and guns to make up for size disparity.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 12:30 PM on January 15, 2022 [2 favorites]
Would like to add: Jimmy has gone through a long period of recovery after his inpatient psychiatric treatment and recently started a new job for which a background check was required. The arrest did not show up on his background check, presumably because the charges were dropped. This was in New York, check with the lawyer to find out if a different outcome may occur if you are in a different state.
posted by nayantara at 12:31 PM on January 15, 2022
posted by nayantara at 12:31 PM on January 15, 2022
Police are REQUIRED to take the other party in if they see signs of physical violence, such as a mark on yourself. This sort of details has emerged after the Moab police bungled the Gabby Petito investigation.
But as many others pointed out, if you refuse to cooperate or press charges, there's little the DA can do to push the case forward, and charges will be dropped eventually.
Just bail her out when it is possible to do so, do NOT break any no-contact orders, but still offer help by having the right person call her.
posted by kschang at 3:26 PM on January 15, 2022
But as many others pointed out, if you refuse to cooperate or press charges, there's little the DA can do to push the case forward, and charges will be dropped eventually.
Just bail her out when it is possible to do so, do NOT break any no-contact orders, but still offer help by having the right person call her.
posted by kschang at 3:26 PM on January 15, 2022
just Nthing again, a number of jurisdictions (including Washington and Oregon) are required to detain SOMEBODY when they're called in for a DV call.
My ex got detained but not charged after a DV call for the schmuck she dated after me. No charges, no record, irritating hassle.
Nuts-and-bolts wise, the no-contact order is usually one-sided. YOU might be able to contact her, other friends might be able to contact her for you, but she might not be able to contact you. If you have assets, debts, etc in common, this part will be useful. Do not violate the no-contact order.
Based off of the experiences of a married friend couple of mine, whether or not charges get filed, you need to stop drinking. Ideally both of you. If either of you are the kind that get melodramatic and fight when drunk, this will not get better.
posted by ivan ivanych samovar at 6:00 PM on January 15, 2022 [2 favorites]
My ex got detained but not charged after a DV call for the schmuck she dated after me. No charges, no record, irritating hassle.
Nuts-and-bolts wise, the no-contact order is usually one-sided. YOU might be able to contact her, other friends might be able to contact her for you, but she might not be able to contact you. If you have assets, debts, etc in common, this part will be useful. Do not violate the no-contact order.
Based off of the experiences of a married friend couple of mine, whether or not charges get filed, you need to stop drinking. Ideally both of you. If either of you are the kind that get melodramatic and fight when drunk, this will not get better.
posted by ivan ivanych samovar at 6:00 PM on January 15, 2022 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
There's not enough information in your post to know the details of your situation, but I urge you - and any man - to put side the macho "I'm a big dude, I can't be hurt by a little woman" attitude and ask yourself seriously: was this a one off? Are you sure you're safe? Is this a pattern of escalating behaviour?
Please look after yourself before you do anything else.
posted by underclocked at 2:16 AM on January 15, 2022 [22 favorites]