Some insight into a guy's head?

January 7, 2022 9:59 AM

Why did he behave his way?

For about three or four months, I'd been working in a facility for emotionally disturbed children. One of the other staff members was a guy about to finish his undergraduate degree in psychology. He had plans eventually to complete a PhD in the field. I knew he was drawn to me, and I was friendly to him but did not encourage any romantic interest. He had a girlfriend, whom he would mention once in a while. He started talking about becoming engaged to her--a bit of a relief to me.

One springtime day, he said he wanted me to meet her. He suggested having lunch on a Saturday. I agreed, as I thought it might help to put an end to his interest in me.

When we three met, I became embarrassed because his crush on me was so readily apparent. I tried to include her--- a shy, pretty girl--into our general conversation, but he seemed to ignore her, not looking at her, not addressing her. I had the bizarre feeling that he was "showing me off" to her, or maybe he had ambiguous feelings about becoming engaged, and wanted to compare the two of us. I repeat: I never encouraged any romantic feelings from him.

What was going on? Any and all comments welcome.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (33 answers total)

Sounds like they may have been seeking a threesome.
posted by vitabellosi at 10:03 AM on January 7, 2022 [15 favorites]

I mean, it seems like you fully understand what was going on: this dude is not a nice or thoughtful person and his understanding of women is twisted.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:03 AM on January 7, 2022 [21 favorites]

sounds like your theory is the most likely; I can't think of another reason. If it had been something normal, like she wanted to learn more about your workplace because she was thinking of applying, that would have come up.

But I feel like there has to be more to this, because "make time to hang out with me on the weekend to meet my fiancee" isn't an invitation that casual workplace acquaintances typically make or accept -- like it sounds as if one or both of you thought of this as a close friendship. (Or in his case, maybe he thought there was a threesome possibility.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:05 AM on January 7, 2022 [5 favorites]

My guess: he likes you, feels a little guilty about it, figures if your “friendship” is out in the open, and you have met and/or become friends with his GF, he is doing nothing wrong, even though he is behaving shittily. He’s trying to assuage the guilt he has for liking you and flirting with you (and maybe eventually trying to get more from you).

I wouldn’t hang out with him any more.
posted by sillysally at 10:14 AM on January 7, 2022 [42 favorites]

My ex did this to me, except he invited a woman from work that he clearly had a crush on over to have dinner with us. And then she ended up staying the night on our couch. He did it because he was an asshole. They live together now and I assume he's doing this nonsense to her.
posted by twelve cent archie at 10:15 AM on January 7, 2022 [44 favorites]

There's no way to know, but my mind went the same way as sillysally: He was trying to prove to himself that his feelings toward you were platonic, because any man who was interested in a woman romantically wouldn't introduce her to his fiancee. And if someone asked him afterward why he was ignoring her and paying so much attention to you, he'd deny it (and probably actually believe his own denial).
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 10:18 AM on January 7, 2022 [12 favorites]

You know how sometimes on home design shows they'll pull up an old carpet to find a beautiful original hardwood floor that's perfect and just needs a coat of wax to polish it up? Well that almost never actually happens in real life. You're gonna peel back the carpet on this guy and it's gonna be shitty 70s era linoleum soaked in cat pee which itself is on top of cracked asbestos tiling filled with spider nests and century old rat shit.

Sometimes you really don't need the insight. Looking at the situation even from afar you know in your gut it's a bad job. Life is too short to try to "understand" someone's crappy motivations.
posted by phunniemee at 10:19 AM on January 7, 2022 [45 favorites]

A common theme here and elsewhere I've seen when people ask "I have this crush but I'm happily coupled what should I do?" is:

"Go ahead and be friends with that person. Don't hide it and make it feel like sneaky illicit fun, invite them out with your significant other and see if you can all be happy platonic friends"

Maybe the guy's an ass and a weirdo, sure. But maybe he's an ass and a weirdo that is trying in good faith to follow common advice people give for this kind of situation?
posted by SaltySalticid at 10:23 AM on January 7, 2022 [27 favorites]

Girlfriend: You keep mentioning Anonymous, a lot more than anyone else at work. Is there anything going on between you that I should know about?
Him: Uh no, not at all. If you saw us interacting you'd know it's totally platonic. I bet you and A would get along well...how about if we get together with her?
posted by wryly at 10:23 AM on January 7, 2022 [19 favorites]

The nicest interpretation is that they're trying to open up their relationship and selected you to share their romantic and sexual bliss. They simply forgot to tell you.

He's probably just having cold feet, though, and is scared of breaking it off. Ignore him.
posted by kingdead at 10:49 AM on January 7, 2022

He wanted a date with you but realised you wouldn't play along to hang out with him alone. He brought his girlfriend to appease you, not the other way round.
He used his girlfriend as a cover to flirt with you with plausible deniability.
posted by Omnomnom at 10:51 AM on January 7, 2022 [5 favorites]

I'm not a particularly charitable person when it comes to bad behavior, so I'd guess he's using you to remind his shy girlfriend that he could do so much better and she should be grateful that he's condescending to marry her.
posted by SamanthaK at 11:02 AM on January 7, 2022 [7 favorites]

A crush is always more interesting / exciting than your current SO, so his behavior at the meeting isn't surprising. There's a lot of methods for trying to navigate a crush while in a relationship.

The most successful way I've seen this situation handled is by just pretending nothing is amiss but keep things strictly platonic at all times. If this was happening he would bring up his SO a normal amount (talking about weekend plans, etc).

The worst way I've seen this happen is lots of date-like activities and even holding hands before the guilt forces him to give you/his SO some kind of ultimatum that neither of you asked for. He'll either bring up his SO very rarely (when directly asked) or very often (to assuage his guilt).
posted by bbqturtle at 11:15 AM on January 7, 2022 [1 favorite]

As a random stranger on the internet, I think assuming there's something worth decoding going on in the guy's head may be too generous. He likes you and is too dim to realize it's not reciprocal. He is unhappy at home but too much of a coward to break up or insist on a different kind of relationship. So, he's doing the thing that makes him feel good on a ten second timescale: flirting with you. Maybe it's an attempt to hurt his partner, but probably not. It doesn't really matter except to her. (That doesn't mean he isn't good at other things or worth knowing.) I'm not proud to have behaved similarly at the age of 15. He sounds a bit old for that, but there's still hope he might turn out okay. Once you aren't working together, consider telling him about your experience.

It's also not entirely impossible he's just a weirdo who actually wants to be friends and is doing it wrong. At the very least, it's a face-saving gesture you could make if you decide to tell him he's being a jerk. Sympathy and best wishes.
posted by eotvos at 11:29 AM on January 7, 2022 [8 favorites]

I am a guy who has not been in that exact situation, but in the past I have been very confused and would use people while thinking I had the best of intentions . In retrospect they were like my science projects or something, and I thought I was hiding it really well when in fact I probably looked like a jerk.

Anyway, I seriously doubt it has anything to do with a threesome (which I note you did not address at all in your question, yet the notion has been entertained in the thread). It sounds to me like he is a confused oaf. I would keep you relationship with him cordial and professional, and limit any unnecessary interaction, as any more lunches or coffees or walks or whatever will only intensify, rather than end, any interest he has in you. Which you probably already know.
posted by seed at 11:49 AM on January 7, 2022 [21 favorites]

Sounds like they may have been seeking a threesome.

I am thinking: he may have been seeking a threesome, whether or not he had bothered to mention it to the current girlfriend.
posted by Dip Flash at 12:07 PM on January 7, 2022 [7 favorites]

I think that he was hoping to make you jealous so you'll soon "steal" him away. In his mind, you'd get together, see that she's not good enough, or not right, for him. Realizing this would make you finally decide to ignore that he's dating, because he's not dating the right woman, you. He's totally wanting to go from relationship to relationship.

Sorry, but I have to say that if I knew John was interested in me, I would not agree to meet John and Mable (his gf) in a one on two setting if I were trying to avoid any accidental hints. Frankly accepting invites, or minor gifts, from John for *anything* would send the wrong message.
posted by nobeagle at 12:25 PM on January 7, 2022 [3 favorites]

I think that he's a louse and wanted to let his girlfriend/fianceé believe that you are romantically interested in him because he enjoys the triangulation. Refuse to be a part of his stupid games.
posted by mezzanayne at 1:04 PM on January 7, 2022 [5 favorites]

Heh, there are surprisingly many different interpretations, yet they all point to John being a jerk.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:23 PM on January 7, 2022 [24 favorites]

I would think he was trying to triangulate with his girlfriend to make you jealous of each other so you would compete and he would win- you’d be up for him cheating with you, and he’d gain more enthusiastic sex from her.

“Meet my girlfriend, work person” is not a normal ask and I would avoid this guy going forward.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 1:54 PM on January 7, 2022 [5 favorites]

What was going on is that you’re way too nice of a person. It took me way too long to realize this, but not everyone thinks like you. You can’t understand this guy because you have empathy, subtlety, some level of unselfish regard for others. Therefore you project these qualities onto others and become confused when they don’t behave in ways that seem logical to you and other nice, empathetic people. Probably the entire reason he likes you is because he just feels really good around you without understanding why at all- it’s because you’re doing actual emotional labor and showing consideration of others, including him. To him, you just make him feel good and it must just be your magical nature, because emotional labor and politeness is an alien language he does not understand.

He is not like you at all. He is a completely different sort of person. You will never understand each other and it’s a waste of time to try. You did absolutely nothing wrong in accepting the invitation, btw, no one could have predicted his outrageous behavior.
posted by stockpuppet at 1:55 PM on January 7, 2022 [20 favorites]

He's an abusive, trashy, heartless boyfriend. That's what that is. Encourage her to leave him.
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 2:42 PM on January 7, 2022 [2 favorites]

Seeking a threesome seems likely. He may not have mentioned it to you yet, because his girlfriend wanted to meet you and decide if she's attracted to you. He would be embarrassed if he asked you about it and then his girlfriend decided she wasn't into you. So they have a nice friendly lunch with you, where the girlfriend is shy and quiet because she's nervous. He focuses on you, because he IS trying to show you off to her... to sell her on you as a potential third. Then they go away, talk about it and make up their mind if they want to ask you or not.

He might or might not be a dick in this scenario, hard to say. She could be as into the idea of a threesome as he is, and they are just new and awkward at going about it. Or, he could be trying to convince her and she's reluctant.

You've used the past tense in your question, so I'm assuming he never asked. So there's really no way to know for sure, unless he hits on you directly and then you'll know if it was a him thing or a them thing.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 2:44 PM on January 7, 2022 [2 favorites]

OP, I kind of want to gently tease you about assuming you (or we!) can see inside someone else's head. Is this a psychology professional's version of a god complex? Is your professional self feeling a bit insulted that you cannot peer into this man's brain?

If you insist on pursuing this line of rumination, I think I can speak for the whole internet that we demand you grow a commensurate beard and stroke it while you speculate. It is a scientific imperative. The power of Freud compels you! :)

(It's hard to read tone in text media, so I want to reiterate that I'm saying this gently, with a lot of affection because I recognize my younger self in you. I'm just trying to coax you to seeing the humor in your query.)
posted by MiraK at 2:54 PM on January 7, 2022 [1 favorite]

I don't think he was (consciously) seeking a threesome. Like others, I think he was vaguely aware of a crush on you, whether he admitted it to himself or not, and was trying to have some plausible deniability to himself and/or his girlfriend and/or you.

I don't think you did anything wrong, but it sounds like you have been uncomfortable with his attention (based on saying you felt relieved when he said he might propose). I don't think you encouraged romantic attention from him. However, he might have felt encouraged simply by you being professional and friendly, or because he felt so drawn to you that he wanted to see it regardless of your behavior.

In the future, if you are uncomfortable with someone's interest in you, it's okay to back away, to engage less, to not accept invitations for social gatherings outside of work.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:56 PM on January 7, 2022 [3 favorites]

As a guy, my thought was "he wants her to be more like you."
posted by kschang at 2:59 PM on January 7, 2022 [4 favorites]

If he's ignoring his girlfriend, he's 100% a dick. It's not how you treat your girlfriend, whether you're looking for a threesome or not. It's extraordinary how much of a pass shitty male behaviour gets.
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 3:00 PM on January 7, 2022 [8 favorites]

Not to mention that trying to set up a threesome (which somehow is starting to seem like the most charitable interpretation?) with your coworker (your coworker in a facility for emotionally troubled children?! Focus up, my dude!) is completely bananas behaviour even if the girlfriend were totally on board with it.

All signs point to: Do Not Engage.
posted by peakes at 3:16 PM on January 7, 2022 [2 favorites]

He knew that you and him weren't going to be a thing in that way. But knew that because friend / work-friend you were going to come up often in the "how was your day" thing and wanted in this instance to get her to realize that you were not a that interest and that whatever that was was over / moot so that it wouldn't be a problem later on with the girl that was the yes and was his yes.

That's why he focused on you and getting you to dump. Acknowledgement.

This is my second date bomb of "you should meet my wife-not-wife" that we're technically married for financial aid reasons, she's a bff, you'll find out eventually, know now that it's not something you should worry about.

He and his girl have had plenty of dates, will have many more, are engaged, he still works with you as a friend that's a friend because you've rejected, but you are friends and such and he want's her to know that he has/had a crush, still likes you, but you're name is going to come up often.

Lemme tell you about some of my past girlfriends not-girlfriends prom date highschool sweethart. But when we all meet it will probably look like we're up to something but it's just the past. Hope you'll see why she was someone I might have but it didn't work out that way but we're still best (or at least work) friends.

Maybe even "see, even when I flirt she still wouldn't have me that way". I've given up on that part of things, but I'll trust my gut over people that I like vs people that I don't like. There's a spectrum there. Maybe you're just his somebody he want's his fiancee to know a bit more about.
posted by zengargoyle at 3:20 PM on January 7, 2022

My late husband would get intense crushes on women (coworkers or gamers) and tell me about them as if he were shopping for my new best friend. He would be desperate to get me to meet these women, thinking we would become besties, but all he would tell me about them is how lonely they were, how bad their recent breakup was, how much they needed friends, etc. He would be genuinely hurt that I was not excited to meet his shiny new friend, and I think he never admitted to himself he was crushing. I did meet a couple of them over the years, and they seemed to see my husband as a minorly creepy guy and were relieved to see he had an actual wife, but were not in fact looking for a new bestie (or a married boyfriend).
posted by buildmyworld at 9:25 PM on January 7, 2022 [11 favorites]

A charitable interpretation is that he is fooling himself by thinking his relationship with you is platonic. He wants the situation to evolve, but he's afraid to confront himself with that desire. On the other hand, he may want you to take a step toward that imagined romance and break the bad news to his girlfriend; he would bail on her if he thought he had another place to land. In this charitable scenario, he's confused, conflicted, and maybe even delusional.

As others suggest, he may want a threesome, but it seems to me that his girlfriend is not in on that plan, or else she's highly submissive and is just along for the ride, wherever he wants it to take her.

Less charitable inferences make him out to be even worse bad news.
posted by mule98J at 11:57 AM on January 8, 2022

Almost every time something like this has happened to me, it turned out the couple (or at least the male half) was seeking a threesome.
posted by Jacqueline at 2:58 PM on January 8, 2022

Male half may be into something she isn't. Totally okay to remind him you don't know him well, then avoid contact.

..actually, buildmyworld probably has it.
posted by firstdaffodils at 4:20 PM on February 6, 2022