Tactful/eloquent ways to rebuff philosophical/religious awkwardness?
December 26, 2021 8:20 PM Subscribe
Hi.
It's the holiday season, and we know every seethingly-religious aunt/uncle, or intensely-atheist cousin is present at whatever-dinner.
What are your best techniques for remaining super neutral, or keeping the peace?
What experiences have you had, when you essentially responded with some form of, "that's cool/interesting, let's have a good time," in whatever form?
When I was way younger, a close relative had a very serious accident that permanently altered their life path. While that person was rebuilding their sense of reality, I gravitated toward a variety of different philosophies, and eventually came to an interest in general existentialist thought (no serious favorites, I do like Spinoza's version of god within nature, but I do not consider myself a Christian person), without any declaring an organized religion or specific spirituality.
In my own processes regarding philosophy and private practice, I have found that I like resting on the idea that "a sense of balance," exists in our lives (if we'd like- sometimes the preference is chaos, and godspeed to this preference), no more, no less.
For whatever the reason, I still occasionally receive Christian harangues (either people approaching for conversion, or criticism), while also being criticized for an interest in organized religion, from way long ago. I also don't have any interest in slighting Christianity- a faith reaching an absurd number of people, significantly influencing a wide-ranging reach of cultures (a number of artists, writers, composers, and beyond, etc).. e.g., recently a Christian friend said, "-praying for you," in a conversation, and regardless of the language he was speaking, the feeling was resoundingly very positive.
Tis the season to remind everyone it's chill to keep contrasting perspectives, while still having a good time.
When I was way younger, a close relative had a very serious accident that permanently altered their life path. While that person was rebuilding their sense of reality, I gravitated toward a variety of different philosophies, and eventually came to an interest in general existentialist thought (no serious favorites, I do like Spinoza's version of god within nature, but I do not consider myself a Christian person), without any declaring an organized religion or specific spirituality.
In my own processes regarding philosophy and private practice, I have found that I like resting on the idea that "a sense of balance," exists in our lives (if we'd like- sometimes the preference is chaos, and godspeed to this preference), no more, no less.
For whatever the reason, I still occasionally receive Christian harangues (either people approaching for conversion, or criticism), while also being criticized for an interest in organized religion, from way long ago. I also don't have any interest in slighting Christianity- a faith reaching an absurd number of people, significantly influencing a wide-ranging reach of cultures (a number of artists, writers, composers, and beyond, etc).. e.g., recently a Christian friend said, "-praying for you," in a conversation, and regardless of the language he was speaking, the feeling was resoundingly very positive.
Tis the season to remind everyone it's chill to keep contrasting perspectives, while still having a good time.
You have to acknowledge and quickly redirect.
"Oh, let's not get into religion/philosophy... what's going on with (event in their life / thing you know they're interested in)?"
Maybe come up with a few subjects beforehand that you can use as distraction-bait as needed.
posted by tivalasvegas at 8:44 PM on December 26, 2021 [3 favorites]
"Oh, let's not get into religion/philosophy... what's going on with (event in their life / thing you know they're interested in)?"
Maybe come up with a few subjects beforehand that you can use as distraction-bait as needed.
posted by tivalasvegas at 8:44 PM on December 26, 2021 [3 favorites]
“Oh, that’s really interesting” and “I can see how that would be really comforting” followed by a subject change have worked a lot of the time for me. Sometimes a good subject change can be how they deal with something similar in another religion. Then again, *most* of the religious people in my adult life have been of the non-pushy persuasion, so adjust your grain of salt accordingly.
A few times with the pushier ones, something more along the lines of, “I can really see how that would be helpful for some people, but I’m really very content the way things are” has worked. (Even if I'm not really particularly content at the moment.)
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:17 PM on December 26, 2021 [2 favorites]
A few times with the pushier ones, something more along the lines of, “I can really see how that would be helpful for some people, but I’m really very content the way things are” has worked. (Even if I'm not really particularly content at the moment.)
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:17 PM on December 26, 2021 [2 favorites]
"That’s a topic that’s very private for me.”
Admittedly that’s a step beyond acknowledge-and-redirect but I find that it staves off the truly enthusiastic ones.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:48 PM on December 26, 2021 [2 favorites]
Admittedly that’s a step beyond acknowledge-and-redirect but I find that it staves off the truly enthusiastic ones.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:48 PM on December 26, 2021 [2 favorites]
I believe that Ann Magnuson said it best:
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever gives you hope.
posted by irisclara at 10:45 PM on December 26, 2021
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever gives you hope.
posted by irisclara at 10:45 PM on December 26, 2021
I've found that sometimes "let's not get into x" can be a total red rag to someone who WANTS to get into x.
"You could well be right"
"well, that's very true"
"Well, that's a very good point"
"I think that's very perceptive"
"You're right, I think a lot of people feel that way"
And so on - even if these statements are outrageous lies - followed by a subject change have worked well for me.
posted by ominous_paws at 12:35 AM on December 27, 2021 [10 favorites]
"You could well be right"
"well, that's very true"
"Well, that's a very good point"
"I think that's very perceptive"
"You're right, I think a lot of people feel that way"
And so on - even if these statements are outrageous lies - followed by a subject change have worked well for me.
posted by ominous_paws at 12:35 AM on December 27, 2021 [10 favorites]
Any of the dodges that would work at a less stressful holiday party are available to you at family parties too.
If the subject change doesn't work, time for a lengthy bathroom break. And don't be afraid to ignore them completely if they resume buttonholing you on your return. Start asking your neighbor at the table about what's happening with them. Hold the line.
And if the rest of the family starts flailing about how you're ignoring poor old Uncle Pete, just say lightly that you figured it was time for a change of subject.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 3:31 AM on December 27, 2021 [1 favorite]
If the subject change doesn't work, time for a lengthy bathroom break. And don't be afraid to ignore them completely if they resume buttonholing you on your return. Start asking your neighbor at the table about what's happening with them. Hold the line.
And if the rest of the family starts flailing about how you're ignoring poor old Uncle Pete, just say lightly that you figured it was time for a change of subject.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 3:31 AM on December 27, 2021 [1 favorite]
Sometimes I just dive right the heck on in and let them have a rip at me.
I ask a metric queenly buttload of questions. I am cheerful and engaging.
But instead of positioning myself as a potential convert, I pretend I'm a journalist interviewing a fascinating and controversial public figure.
So when they proselytize, I switch to, "well what event in your life encouraged you to believe this?" or such. If there's an inconsistency, I ask a follow-up.
They delight in having an audience, but eventually they run out of steam.
Admittedly this is hard to pull off, but it's pretty interesting when it works.
posted by champers at 7:19 AM on December 27, 2021 [5 favorites]
I ask a metric queenly buttload of questions. I am cheerful and engaging.
But instead of positioning myself as a potential convert, I pretend I'm a journalist interviewing a fascinating and controversial public figure.
So when they proselytize, I switch to, "well what event in your life encouraged you to believe this?" or such. If there's an inconsistency, I ask a follow-up.
They delight in having an audience, but eventually they run out of steam.
Admittedly this is hard to pull off, but it's pretty interesting when it works.
posted by champers at 7:19 AM on December 27, 2021 [5 favorites]
I’ve always gotten away with “I’m not interested in discussing that.” If someone wants to argue past this very clear statement then they are just looking for an argument.
Unfortunately that is something people do, so eventually I’ve just cut most of the relatives who aren’t able to stop at that. Because frankly life is too short to be around people who pick fights about this kind of thing.
posted by aspersioncast at 7:25 AM on December 27, 2021
Unfortunately that is something people do, so eventually I’ve just cut most of the relatives who aren’t able to stop at that. Because frankly life is too short to be around people who pick fights about this kind of thing.
posted by aspersioncast at 7:25 AM on December 27, 2021
I successfully ended this by calling them on it. "Hey relative, I'm here to see family but every time you see me you want to argue politics. It's stressful." And then the rest of the family chimed in because it turned out they were also stressed. And it stopped.
Most people don't want intense political debates at family events.
posted by emjaybee at 7:43 AM on December 27, 2021 [4 favorites]
Most people don't want intense political debates at family events.
posted by emjaybee at 7:43 AM on December 27, 2021 [4 favorites]
But instead of positioning myself as a potential convert, I pretend I'm a journalist interviewing a fascinating and controversial public figure.
I love this approach and use it often. I try to deliberately get into a headspace of curiosity, non-judgment, and genuine interest in learning. What makes this person tick? Why do they care so much about X?
It can be a challenge to refrain from correcting others when I hear people say things that I "know" to be wrong, but it's part of the fun.
posted by theorique at 8:21 AM on December 27, 2021 [1 favorite]
I love this approach and use it often. I try to deliberately get into a headspace of curiosity, non-judgment, and genuine interest in learning. What makes this person tick? Why do they care so much about X?
It can be a challenge to refrain from correcting others when I hear people say things that I "know" to be wrong, but it's part of the fun.
posted by theorique at 8:21 AM on December 27, 2021 [1 favorite]
theorique, I'll admit my method isn't as pure. I sort of let them hoist themselves up on their own petards. "Oh wait, you said A, but you also said B, but A and B can't both be true, can they, because C, right?"
*expectant cheerful look*
That's around when the spluttering starts. Then they run out of steam and wander off.
posted by champers at 8:41 AM on December 27, 2021
*expectant cheerful look*
That's around when the spluttering starts. Then they run out of steam and wander off.
posted by champers at 8:41 AM on December 27, 2021
Changing the subject by asking them for money is effective, surprisingly effective
posted by thelonius at 9:15 AM on December 27, 2021 [5 favorites]
posted by thelonius at 9:15 AM on December 27, 2021 [5 favorites]
"Oh wait, you said A, but you also said B, but A and B can't both be true, can they, because C, right?"
That way works too ... it's kind of like the Inspector Columbo approach. "Hmm, there's something I don't really understand about what you're saying..."
My way is definitely lazier ... just sit back and relax without trying to piece things together or worry about the contradictions. Really just giving them space to speak and be heard without judgment or anything else. (I suspect this is probably one of the reasons for the "crazy old uncle ranting" stereotype - they want to be seen and heard and when they don't get that then they start going weird. Also could be dementia combined with conspiracy theories.)
posted by theorique at 9:17 AM on December 27, 2021 [2 favorites]
That way works too ... it's kind of like the Inspector Columbo approach. "Hmm, there's something I don't really understand about what you're saying..."
My way is definitely lazier ... just sit back and relax without trying to piece things together or worry about the contradictions. Really just giving them space to speak and be heard without judgment or anything else. (I suspect this is probably one of the reasons for the "crazy old uncle ranting" stereotype - they want to be seen and heard and when they don't get that then they start going weird. Also could be dementia combined with conspiracy theories.)
posted by theorique at 9:17 AM on December 27, 2021 [2 favorites]
I had to - as in it was a work requirement - have dinner with the ultra conservative, evangelical Christian wife of the founding partner of my law firm. I am an atheist. She knew this as I knew of her bent. What did we talk about? Comparison of our experiences as students at Newcomb College (the then-all ladies college) at Tulane where she went in the 1950s and I went in the 1990s. It was fascinating and I learned a lot about her that I would not have otherwise known and she wasn't able to proselytize. WIN WIN.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 10:48 AM on December 27, 2021
posted by tafetta, darling! at 10:48 AM on December 27, 2021
This thread is closed to new comments.
"I do like Spinoza's version of god within nature, but I do not consider myself a Christian person (as Spinoza had no record of claiming the position either, though he had no problem socializing with a variety of others)" it adds further context- the current context makes Spinoza sound inherently Christian- the point in posting is that he actually is not.
posted by firstdaffodils at 8:23 PM on December 26, 2021