How can I get my boyfriend to orgasm?
November 29, 2021 10:23 PM   Subscribe

My boyfriend has ED and anorgasma. He can take a pill to get it up, but still can’t orgasm. How do I get this man to cum?!

He says he can orgasm through masturbation, but we’ve been together 18 months and he has never been able to finish with me. We have sex rarely at this point (about 1x/mo, down from about 1x/wk), and because he needs to take a pill to get hard, my efforts to initiate more often have gone nowhere. Our sex is also pretty unsatisfying nowadays because it ends up being about him trying to orgasm and not being able to.

We’ve talked about it a handful of times. He says he has a low sex drive lately because of a family issue that is causing a lot of stress. He also thinks that once he cums once, it’ll break the seal and he’ll be able to cum regularly.

My goal is for us to have sex a couple times a week and for us to both cum virtually every time. He’s theoretically on board with that goal, but I get the sense that it feels more urgent for me than him.

We’re physically affectionate and I don’t think I’m terrible in bed (although can’t be sure, of course). He’s 40, and I’m a 36 year old woman.

How do I get this man to cum?!
posted by nowadays to Health & Fitness (11 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite

Not to be facile about it but maybe stop trying to get him to come, start trying to mutually each have a good time, then reassess once you've accomplished that? Is he only interested in sex if he gets to come?
posted by lookoutbelow at 10:43 PM on November 29, 2021 [28 favorites]

Prostate stimulation.
posted by forbiddencabinet at 10:49 PM on November 29, 2021 [12 favorites]

Did he have his testosterone level tested? Also, is he on any medication? Some medication are known to have side effect of ED and delayed or absent orgasms.

Keep in mind that ED causes psychological problems, which in turn can cause lack of cumming. Here's a whole list of potential causes and some treatment ideas.

I am clearly not a doctor, and I'm saying you two may need to see a doctor to make sure there are no medical issues that prevents him from cumming, THEN work on the potential psychological triggers.

Keep in mind that he needs your support, not pressure to perform. Sometimes, it's hard to see the difference, between you want him to enjoy sex and pressure to perform for you, from his viewpoint, and even if he doesn't see it that way, the pressure to perform may still be there.
posted by kschang at 11:17 PM on November 29, 2021 [1 favorite]

Pressure to orgasm is one of the best ways to ensure some folks never orgasm. Come As You Are is a great read on this for you both.

Is he satisfied with your sex life right now? I might suggest that your goals are not really his. If you only ever had sex once a week, it’s difficult to imagine increasing that to two.

Assume that things will never change and decide if this is acceptable to you. But stop trying to push him to change.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:23 AM on November 30, 2021 [21 favorites]

Can he orgasm through masturbation during sex with you? If so, I would start from that foundation.

Also, while this sounds more related to psychology then stimulation, magic wand vibrators are great and underrated for people who have penises, and their unrelenting motorized nature takes some of the pressure off for both parties (as far as getting tired and unable to provide stimulation before orgasm is reached).
posted by Gymnopedist at 12:27 AM on November 30, 2021 [5 favorites]

I want to echo everyone else who has said orgasm during every sexual encounter may be the wrong goal. But, my practical advice on how to reach that goal is to start by having him masturbate to orgasm with you present.
posted by hworth at 12:42 AM on November 30, 2021 [6 favorites]

It might help to widen your definition of sex beyond penis-in-vagina. Have sex that doesn’t require him to take a pill; can he use his fingers or toys on you for penetration? Can he get you off orally? Mutual masturbation, prostate stimulation, get creative! Does he take a pill when he masturbates, or does he have a way of orgasming without being hard? Agree with the others who’ve suggested having him masturbate to orgasm with you there, and focusing on having a nice time that feels good together rather than whether tab A goes into slot B and everyone wins a prize.
posted by corvine at 2:58 AM on November 30, 2021 [3 favorites]

I think the place for you two to start is for you to widen your definition of what constitutes sex to be more than PIV and he orgasms inside you kind of situation.
Maybe start with him masturbating with you present, if he orgasms great, if he's just having fun also great. No pressure for him to orgasm. To make things more comfortable for him you could masturbate along side him, mutual masturbation is also fun and you could maybe focus on learning how he likes touched to achieve orgasm.

Prostate play is fun and can lead to orgasm. I'd also look at working all sorts of toys in there. There are also a huge range of male masturbatory aids our there, if you have trouble masturbating him to orgasm, it is often harder for women as we can't feel how hard or soft we are stroking, using an aid can help. More variety and different types of stimulus can help break that I can only orgasm from death grip masturbation problem some guys can get that would only be exascerbated by adding ED to the mix.

Also as everyone else has mentioned. Don't make orgasms the goal, make having a fun intimate sexy time together the goal.
posted by wwax at 7:15 AM on November 30, 2021

This is difficult to answer because there's not a lot of detail. What does he like? Fast and hard? Slow and sensual? Does he like or hate teasing? (Believe it or not, some of us *hate* teasing). Does he like spontaneity or would he like to schedule sex so he can mentally prepare himself and take his meds? Everyone acts like spontaneity is best but some of us actually prefer scheduling.

Do you take feedback well, or are you just following a script in your head that worked for others but not for him? I've had lovers who didn't like feedback and would simply do things that work for other men but not for me. (In fact I had one lover where it was so egregious that I had to quietly avoid positions where she was in control because she insisted on doing things that would never get me off, and she would get hurt when I explained what wasn't working for me. So we couldn't do things where she was in control because we would be there until we both gave up due to chafing). I can't know any of this from your post but it can be really hard to get out of the broken cultural script that says male orgasms are easy and quick and female orgasms are slow and complicated and particular, and instead treat everyone like an individual with needs and preferences.

On a similar note, how much time are you spending pleasuring him? Getting back to those broken cultural narratives, if someone can't make a woman orgasm we immediately ask if their partner is giving her enough time and attention or just expecting to bang it out, but for some reason we don't ask the same question when the person having difficulty orgasming is male. Maybe he needs more time, more buildup, and/or more stimulation?
posted by PCup at 8:39 AM on November 30, 2021 [1 favorite]

Also as everyone else has mentioned. Don't make orgasms the goal, make having a fun intimate sexy time together the goal.

And even more importantly, it needs to be a mutual goal that both of you are fully on board with.

In the short term, that might involve things like finding ways for him to reduce the family stress he is feeling (which is a huge libido-killer), for example, in order to open the door to positive changes. Longer term, it might mean working to redefine and explore what is satisfying intimacy/sex for both of you, getting medical checkups as necessary, and so on.

Eventually you might be able to get to your goal of frequent sex with orgasms, but I think there are a bunch of important intervening steps before you can potentially get there.
posted by Dip Flash at 8:40 AM on November 30, 2021 [1 favorite]

My goal is for us to have sex a couple times a week and for us to both cum virtually every time.

Reaching this goal is not likely to be weeks away; it is months if not years away. As the above comments have pointed out, there's more at work here for both of you than simply hitting a switch (as it were).

Come As You Are is a good recommendation. Orgasm is not the be all and end all of sex and making it the goal for every encounter when you're not both 100% on the same page is just going to make you both miserable. I would suggest that, if he really is as on board with this as you claim and he's not just saying that to make you happy (which is something to unpack/deal with in and of itself), you should also see a couples' sex therapist for a few sessions. They can guide you through reconnecting with yourselves and each other.

From the tone of your question I'm getting the impression that he has a lower sex drive than you do and that you care about it more than he does. You need to figure out if you'd be okay with this relationship if things don't change, because they might not. Is the physical and emotional intimacy you have right now satisfying even if you're not having sex? How important is sex to you in general? You both should answer these questions instead of focusing so much on making him come.
posted by fight or flight at 12:06 PM on November 30, 2021 [1 favorite]

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