How To Help An Abused Teen?
November 8, 2021 7:29 AM Subscribe
A 16-year-old friend of my kid's (let's call her A) has a terrible relationship with her parents. This morning A called my kid (using a friend's phone, A is not allowed to have one) to let her know that A's mom had hit her in the face and busted her lip. CPS was previously and may still be involved in the family's case, I don't know how exactly. What can we do to help? More details inside.
A has had a very rough time of it in her teenage years. Her parents had her when her mom was 16. Their relationship has been volatile; according to A, her parents have called the cops on her several times, including at least once for hitting back after they hit her. A doesn't trust CPS not to just put her back with her parents. Earlier this year, A had been living with her grandparents (her mom's parents), but after a suicide attempt (following a sexual assault by a peer a few months prior) her parents insisted she come back to live with them, and then proceeded to lock down everything they could in A's life -- she's not allowed to contact friends, et cetera.
This morning during their brief time on the phone, A intimated to my kid that she is on the verge of running away; my kid believes another suicide attempt is also a real possibility. If A does run away, we're worried about her ending up on the street or worse. The friends she'd be likely to end up with include her rapist and are also into heavy drugs.
One thing my wife & kid & I have discussed is A coming to stay with us while things get sorted. We're worried about getting into legal trouble for that, though. Also, our house would be one of the first places A's parents would look (or send the cops to), since before A's parents cut her off from contact with her friends, she was over here a lot. I think we've been a island of safety and sanity for her. We would be glad to offer sanctuary to her now, but not if we could be arrested for it.
Another idea that's been floated is finding another place for A to go to that her parents don't know about. We have good friends that would probably be willing to take her in, temporarily, to get her out of an abusive house. But what risk are we asking them to take, legally?
My kid's school counselor told my kid that A should go to *her* school counselor, but A thinks her counselor doesn't like her and wouldn't believe her. She feels the same about CPS and the police. She could well be right about all of that, but where else can she turn? And what can we do? It's a very upsetting situation for all of us, especially my kid who is a very loyal friend, and most especially of course for poor A.
Any ideas or legal insight would be very welcome. Thank you.
A has had a very rough time of it in her teenage years. Her parents had her when her mom was 16. Their relationship has been volatile; according to A, her parents have called the cops on her several times, including at least once for hitting back after they hit her. A doesn't trust CPS not to just put her back with her parents. Earlier this year, A had been living with her grandparents (her mom's parents), but after a suicide attempt (following a sexual assault by a peer a few months prior) her parents insisted she come back to live with them, and then proceeded to lock down everything they could in A's life -- she's not allowed to contact friends, et cetera.
This morning during their brief time on the phone, A intimated to my kid that she is on the verge of running away; my kid believes another suicide attempt is also a real possibility. If A does run away, we're worried about her ending up on the street or worse. The friends she'd be likely to end up with include her rapist and are also into heavy drugs.
One thing my wife & kid & I have discussed is A coming to stay with us while things get sorted. We're worried about getting into legal trouble for that, though. Also, our house would be one of the first places A's parents would look (or send the cops to), since before A's parents cut her off from contact with her friends, she was over here a lot. I think we've been a island of safety and sanity for her. We would be glad to offer sanctuary to her now, but not if we could be arrested for it.
Another idea that's been floated is finding another place for A to go to that her parents don't know about. We have good friends that would probably be willing to take her in, temporarily, to get her out of an abusive house. But what risk are we asking them to take, legally?
My kid's school counselor told my kid that A should go to *her* school counselor, but A thinks her counselor doesn't like her and wouldn't believe her. She feels the same about CPS and the police. She could well be right about all of that, but where else can she turn? And what can we do? It's a very upsetting situation for all of us, especially my kid who is a very loyal friend, and most especially of course for poor A.
Any ideas or legal insight would be very welcome. Thank you.
Are there teachers/staff at A's school who she DOES like?
posted by brujita at 8:19 AM on November 8, 2021
posted by brujita at 8:19 AM on November 8, 2021
Any ideas or legal insight would be very welcome. Thank you.
Talk to a lawyer in your state who specializes in the protection of minors. Your desire to help this child is commendable and inspiring; your instinct regarding your own potential legal jeopardy for doing so is (unfortunately) potentially accurate.
Please do not take legal advice from MeFi. We're three comments in and it's already dangerously bad.
posted by The Bellman at 8:24 AM on November 8, 2021 [23 favorites]
Talk to a lawyer in your state who specializes in the protection of minors. Your desire to help this child is commendable and inspiring; your instinct regarding your own potential legal jeopardy for doing so is (unfortunately) potentially accurate.
Please do not take legal advice from MeFi. We're three comments in and it's already dangerously bad.
posted by The Bellman at 8:24 AM on November 8, 2021 [23 favorites]
From a quick look at your profile I see you're in Texas: you or your wife should probably contact this legal helpline to get real legal advice on this situation.
posted by fight or flight at 8:28 AM on November 8, 2021 [16 favorites]
We provide callers with reliable legal information and education — over the phone and in an anonymous setting. Anyone may call the Family Helpline, not just the parents of children involved with Child Protective Services. We frequently speak with extended relatives, family friends, and other concerned community members. You sound smart and concerned, it's good that A has you in her corner. Call them today and stick to their advice.
posted by fight or flight at 8:28 AM on November 8, 2021 [16 favorites]
Couple resources in Texas (both near Houston and whole Texas) to report suspected abuse or potential runaway or even for kids to request help.
posted by kschang at 9:07 AM on November 8, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by kschang at 9:07 AM on November 8, 2021 [1 favorite]
Be willing to help be her advocate with CPS and law enforcement. She may not have a counselor or teacher that she trusts, but YOU know her and know the situation; just having an adult to back her up will help.
Depending on your state, she may be eligible to file for emancipation. She'd need to prove that she had a way to provide for herself financially; if you were willing to take her in, in some states, that may suffice for finances and housing while she finishes school. (I've done this myself; we went straight to the file for emancipation route, though, because I managed to convince the parents in question to "allow" her to stay with me. I was in location that offered a better route for her to finish high school ASAP, which helped. And then she nailed them with the emancipation paperwork, which was she'd told ALL the truth on, and they didn't even bother to fight it. But we were prepared to.)
What you don't want to do is get yourself into trouble for harboring a runaway, if that applies in your state. A lawyer would certainly help you navigate things. Work with the system, instead of against it. A calm, rational adult who can relate the situation of abuse and neglect can make a lot of progress that an upset, emotional teen just can't do as effectively. And yes. Even what you've described is abuse and neglect. Reacting to a suicidal sexual assault victim with blame and restriction from her support system is abuse; doing it to a minor under their care is neglect. And that's BEFORE we even start talking about anything else in their history!
posted by stormyteal at 9:46 AM on November 8, 2021 [4 favorites]
Depending on your state, she may be eligible to file for emancipation. She'd need to prove that she had a way to provide for herself financially; if you were willing to take her in, in some states, that may suffice for finances and housing while she finishes school. (I've done this myself; we went straight to the file for emancipation route, though, because I managed to convince the parents in question to "allow" her to stay with me. I was in location that offered a better route for her to finish high school ASAP, which helped. And then she nailed them with the emancipation paperwork, which was she'd told ALL the truth on, and they didn't even bother to fight it. But we were prepared to.)
What you don't want to do is get yourself into trouble for harboring a runaway, if that applies in your state. A lawyer would certainly help you navigate things. Work with the system, instead of against it. A calm, rational adult who can relate the situation of abuse and neglect can make a lot of progress that an upset, emotional teen just can't do as effectively. And yes. Even what you've described is abuse and neglect. Reacting to a suicidal sexual assault victim with blame and restriction from her support system is abuse; doing it to a minor under their care is neglect. And that's BEFORE we even start talking about anything else in their history!
posted by stormyteal at 9:46 AM on November 8, 2021 [4 favorites]
Stormyteal echoed many sentiments I tried to convey earlier. Seek legal advisement, most states allow emancipation or the filing-of by 16/17. She may be able to file, and her parents may give up the fight so she could enjoy some peace with you awhile. Thanks for doing this!
posted by firstdaffodils at 10:47 AM on November 8, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by firstdaffodils at 10:47 AM on November 8, 2021 [3 favorites]
I can tell you that when my niece couldn't stay clean and called me to pick up her and her kid, CPS was ok with having the kid stay with me. We ended up not adopting him but would have if his grandparents hadn't taken him. (We are also in TX) I know you are not relatives but if there are no other good places to put this kid, CPS might be willing to work with you. Definitely get a lawyer involved.
posted by emjaybee at 6:35 PM on November 8, 2021
posted by emjaybee at 6:35 PM on November 8, 2021
This thread is closed to new comments.
Let her live with you. If needed, find a median home until then. Don't make her stay there.
posted by firstdaffodils at 8:09 AM on November 8, 2021