How to distance myself from a toxic friend
October 25, 2021 4:12 PM Subscribe
What are some ways to disentangle yourself from a harmful and even dangerous friendship without alienating your mutual friends?
This is all going to sound a little high school.
I’m a part of a tight-knit social group of queer and trans folks living in a major city. Most of us are in our late 20s to early 30s but there are younger and older folks in the group. This past summer, I made a new friend (A) and introduced her to my social circle (she did not seem to have any friends of her own in town, outside of her partner) and she developed individual friendships with a number of them and also hooked up with a few (which is very common in our social group). I’ve learned over the past few months that she is what a parent might call a Bad Influence. Though we are all drinkers, sometimes fairly heavy drinkers and often socialized at bars, none of us really did hard drugs before we met her. She, however, is really into coke and does it at almost every social occasion and it’s now become a standard part of our socializing. She’s also just a very unpleasant person to be around—extremely judgmental, very into leftist purity politics and asking other people to check their privilege though she comes from a very wealthy background and is constantly violating the values she enforces for other people, constantly talks about people behind their backs (and sometimes mocks them to their face, as she has done to me repeatedly) and above all, extremely unforgiving of anyone who questions the ethics or the health consequences of her coke habit.
I have tried on many occasions to cut this friend out of my social group but though most of us share my opinion of her, a very close friend of mine (B) seems to like her very much. This particular friend had barely ever done coke before meeting her but now is an enthusiast and a big part of why she seems to like hanging out with her is access to coke. She also gets defensive and annoyed when anyone questions the friendship and it’s hard to address it directly with her. B has become noticeably more distant with me since meeting A.
Is there a way to maneuver my way out of the very toxic and unpleasant friendship with A while still maintaining the relationship with B? I am starting to think the only way out may be sadly distancing myself from both A and B, even though the idea makes me sad.
This is all going to sound a little high school.
I’m a part of a tight-knit social group of queer and trans folks living in a major city. Most of us are in our late 20s to early 30s but there are younger and older folks in the group. This past summer, I made a new friend (A) and introduced her to my social circle (she did not seem to have any friends of her own in town, outside of her partner) and she developed individual friendships with a number of them and also hooked up with a few (which is very common in our social group). I’ve learned over the past few months that she is what a parent might call a Bad Influence. Though we are all drinkers, sometimes fairly heavy drinkers and often socialized at bars, none of us really did hard drugs before we met her. She, however, is really into coke and does it at almost every social occasion and it’s now become a standard part of our socializing. She’s also just a very unpleasant person to be around—extremely judgmental, very into leftist purity politics and asking other people to check their privilege though she comes from a very wealthy background and is constantly violating the values she enforces for other people, constantly talks about people behind their backs (and sometimes mocks them to their face, as she has done to me repeatedly) and above all, extremely unforgiving of anyone who questions the ethics or the health consequences of her coke habit.
I have tried on many occasions to cut this friend out of my social group but though most of us share my opinion of her, a very close friend of mine (B) seems to like her very much. This particular friend had barely ever done coke before meeting her but now is an enthusiast and a big part of why she seems to like hanging out with her is access to coke. She also gets defensive and annoyed when anyone questions the friendship and it’s hard to address it directly with her. B has become noticeably more distant with me since meeting A.
Is there a way to maneuver my way out of the very toxic and unpleasant friendship with A while still maintaining the relationship with B? I am starting to think the only way out may be sadly distancing myself from both A and B, even though the idea makes me sad.
Oh geez, how terrible. You can tell B you will always be around if she wants to talk. But if she's an addict and A is her fix, then A is likely to try to poison her against you when you stop socializing with her. Maybe B will come around when she doesn't get to see you? What a sad situation. I am sorry.
posted by Glinn at 4:26 PM on October 25, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by Glinn at 4:26 PM on October 25, 2021 [1 favorite]
You should probably come to grips with losing B as a friend. If you have already tried having this discussion and it went no where, it’s very very unlikely that something is going to change that outweighs easy access to coke. Honestly, in my experience, the best thing you can do to preserve the rest of your social group is start alienating people who are behaving in ways that y’all don’t like. Otherwise EVERYONE stops coming around because they’re so uncomfortable. And by “alienating” I mean “setting boundaries about behavior” because either it’ll make someone go “oh yeah, I didn’t always do drugs all the time, I would be ok chilling out on that with these people” or they’ll blow up and that’ll be that. But yeah, you gotta just start saying outloud “I don’t want to be around you when you are on cocaine.” What B does with that is out of your hands, and that sucks.
posted by Bottlecap at 4:31 PM on October 25, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by Bottlecap at 4:31 PM on October 25, 2021 [2 favorites]
I'd try for one-on-one visits with B if you can, but if B is very into coke, it'll be hard to distance B or the group from A. It might be that over time both A and B become less active in the group, especially if you pivot to coke-free socializing, but you'll have to see how things unfold. I've seen cocaine do a number on social groups and friendships because some people cannot do it casually and swiftly fall into heavier use while others manage to do it occasionally with no escalation. There's no telling which path a person will take. You can be there for B and keep your door open, but there's not much you can do to direct how the group manages A. Stay out of A's cross hairs and do your best to maintain your connections with the rest of the group.
posted by quince at 4:39 PM on October 25, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by quince at 4:39 PM on October 25, 2021 [1 favorite]
When I was in my mid-twenties, my best friend of over 10 years and my boyfriend started doing coke. I dropped them both flat because of it. Eventually, my best friend quit doing coke because while she was high, she'd already be worried about where she would be able to get more coke, which made her realize coke was becoming way to important to her. My boyfriend quit doing coke when one night he had some acquaintances over to share some coke, and one of them got so high on coke he peed his pants big-time on my boyfriend's couch, which was a wake-up call to my boyfriend about what bullshit coke is. Put your friendship with B on hold for now. If coke turns out to not be the party B currently thinks it is, her "friendship" with A will end, and B will come back to you. If she does, let her in then ... but not until then. Take care of yourself.
posted by SageTrail at 5:00 PM on October 25, 2021 [5 favorites]
posted by SageTrail at 5:00 PM on October 25, 2021 [5 favorites]
I would just tell B that you’ve realised that coke isn’t your thing and you want to pull back on it so you’ll be bowing out of catch-ups with her and A. You’d love to still catch up with her one on one though and you hope she understands. That way it makes it about your relationship with drugs instead of your relationship with A. And if she pressures you to turn up after that, well, I’d be considering if I wanted to be friends with either of them.
posted by Jubey at 5:44 PM on October 25, 2021 [17 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 5:44 PM on October 25, 2021 [17 favorites]
Could you take B out for coffee end express you concerns? Otherwise, I feel your pain, its hard in those in groups. I guess you just have to do your best to distance your self from A and hope B comes around eventually.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 6:06 PM on October 25, 2021
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 6:06 PM on October 25, 2021
This thread is closed to new comments.
RE B, let the issue drop. Her friends are her friends and it's none of your business. Make plans one-on-one.
posted by metasarah at 4:26 PM on October 25, 2021 [1 favorite]