Help us deal with a toddler's insane demands
April 6, 2006 2:03 AM Subscribe
Our two and a half year old is driving everyone crazy. He’s going through a phase of extreme uncooperativeness.
A typical example: he wakes up, and demands milk. Once you get him the milk, he refuses it hysterically. So you take it away, which leads to more hysteria. Then he says he wants you to take him out of bed, but once you do, he starts screaming he wants to sleep some more. This continues for half an hour or so, and then things calm down. The pattern is clear, and I think we’re somehow reinforcing his behaviour. He first started behaving this way a couple of months ago, when he had an ear infection, but now he’s doing it when he’s perfectly healthy. The thing is: when he’s not having one of his fits, he’s the sweetest, most loving kid you can imagine. What would be the best strategy to deal with this behaviour? Maybe I should add he has a brother who’s one year older. He went through a difficult phase too, so we have experience with a two year old’s identity crisis – but nothing like this. Help!
A typical example: he wakes up, and demands milk. Once you get him the milk, he refuses it hysterically. So you take it away, which leads to more hysteria. Then he says he wants you to take him out of bed, but once you do, he starts screaming he wants to sleep some more. This continues for half an hour or so, and then things calm down. The pattern is clear, and I think we’re somehow reinforcing his behaviour. He first started behaving this way a couple of months ago, when he had an ear infection, but now he’s doing it when he’s perfectly healthy. The thing is: when he’s not having one of his fits, he’s the sweetest, most loving kid you can imagine. What would be the best strategy to deal with this behaviour? Maybe I should add he has a brother who’s one year older. He went through a difficult phase too, so we have experience with a two year old’s identity crisis – but nothing like this. Help!
I agree with Flakypastry. He is testing your boundaries. When you pull him out of bed when he asks for it, and then he screams, say "Sorry, you said you wanted out of bed. Now you have to deal with it." Not sure what to do about the milk thing though... I'm not sure that a toddler of that age can grasp the "never cry wolf" concept of "Sorry, last time you asked for milk and you didn't drink it, so this time you can't have any. Maybe you should learn to only ask for milk when you want it!"
And yeah, don't cave in to screamed demands. "Ask nicely, or get nothing at all" seems like a policy that such a youngin would understand. The big thing is consistency though... if you give in once after instituting this policy, your kid knows that you're a pushover. Then you're screwed. :)
posted by antifuse at 3:23 AM on April 6, 2006
And yeah, don't cave in to screamed demands. "Ask nicely, or get nothing at all" seems like a policy that such a youngin would understand. The big thing is consistency though... if you give in once after instituting this policy, your kid knows that you're a pushover. Then you're screwed. :)
posted by antifuse at 3:23 AM on April 6, 2006
i agree with the idea of withdrawing your attention when he screams by walking away. lock yourself in the bathroom if you have to! withdrawing attention is a great way to reduce unwanted behaviors that are simply annoying and not harmful.
of course, i'm no child psychologist. . .
oh, wait. i am one. :)
posted by lisaj32 at 4:19 AM on April 6, 2006
of course, i'm no child psychologist. . .
oh, wait. i am one. :)
posted by lisaj32 at 4:19 AM on April 6, 2006
He's a changeling. You'll have to deal with the fairies to get your real son back.
Meantime, don't give in to the changeling's demands or you'll encourage him in this insane fairyland behavior. At the risk of having neighbors think you're murdering a human child, let the changeling scream and cry and turn red in the face if you know he's yelling for nothing. As you know by now, even a changeling will calm down eventually. Just ride out the half hour until he tires.
posted by pracowity at 5:05 AM on April 6, 2006
Meantime, don't give in to the changeling's demands or you'll encourage him in this insane fairyland behavior. At the risk of having neighbors think you're murdering a human child, let the changeling scream and cry and turn red in the face if you know he's yelling for nothing. As you know by now, even a changeling will calm down eventually. Just ride out the half hour until he tires.
posted by pracowity at 5:05 AM on April 6, 2006
Here is an amusing and intersting site partially based on raising a rambunctious toddler: http://www.dooce.com/archives/parenthood/
posted by sic at 5:07 AM on April 6, 2006
posted by sic at 5:07 AM on April 6, 2006
Best answer: It sounds like typical behaviour for a two-year-old -- nothing out of the ordinary -- but that doesn't mean you just have to grit your teeth and put up with it. Here are a few positive suggestions:
1. Think about your daily routine, and see if there's anything about it which might be contributing to his behaviour. For example: if he's at his worst in the early morning, is there a reason for this? Maybe you or your partner are particularly busy at that time of day -- e.g. preoccupied with getting dressed and ready for work -- and he knows this and exploits it. (If his tantrums have a way of occurring at the most inconvenient moments of the day, it's not just a coincidence. Toddlers have an uncanny ability to find one's weak spots.) If so, is there anything you can do to make the morning routine more relaxed for you and more interesting for him?
2. Don't let him drag you into a conflict. If he refuses his milk, try to respond in a non-confrontational way -- "Not thirsty? Okay, I'll put your milk back in the fridge, in case you want it later", rather than "If you don't stop behaving in that silly way, I'll take your milk away again". If all else fails, then walk away -- but still in a non-punitive, non-confrontational manner: "Okay, I'll come back when you're feeling better." And when he calms down, be sure to reward the good behaviour -- "Better now? Come and sit on my lap and we'll read a story together" -- even if it makes you late for work.
3. Don't let him think he has the power to make you angry or upset. Stay calm, avoid getting stressed, and say to yourself, "even if I can't control his behaviour, I can at least control mine". This is one occasion when it may actually help to be a little self-centred -- ask yourself "how can I make things easier for myself?" rather than "how can I deal with his behaviour?" -- because by focusing your attention on him, you may be reinforcing the behaviour that's causing the problem. If it all gets too much for you, stand back -- and agree a strategy with your partner (you say 'we' so I presume there are two of you), so that if one of you starts to get stressed, the other one can step in and take over.
(All these suggestions really boil down to the same thing -- that you need to treat this as a question of family dynamics, not just a question of toddler behaviour.)
I hope this helps. Believe me, I have every sympathy for you -- I've been in your situation, and I know what it's like. Yes, it is just a phase, and yes, it will get better, but that doesn't help much when you're actually going through it ..
posted by verstegan at 5:37 AM on April 6, 2006 [3 favorites]
1. Think about your daily routine, and see if there's anything about it which might be contributing to his behaviour. For example: if he's at his worst in the early morning, is there a reason for this? Maybe you or your partner are particularly busy at that time of day -- e.g. preoccupied with getting dressed and ready for work -- and he knows this and exploits it. (If his tantrums have a way of occurring at the most inconvenient moments of the day, it's not just a coincidence. Toddlers have an uncanny ability to find one's weak spots.) If so, is there anything you can do to make the morning routine more relaxed for you and more interesting for him?
2. Don't let him drag you into a conflict. If he refuses his milk, try to respond in a non-confrontational way -- "Not thirsty? Okay, I'll put your milk back in the fridge, in case you want it later", rather than "If you don't stop behaving in that silly way, I'll take your milk away again". If all else fails, then walk away -- but still in a non-punitive, non-confrontational manner: "Okay, I'll come back when you're feeling better." And when he calms down, be sure to reward the good behaviour -- "Better now? Come and sit on my lap and we'll read a story together" -- even if it makes you late for work.
3. Don't let him think he has the power to make you angry or upset. Stay calm, avoid getting stressed, and say to yourself, "even if I can't control his behaviour, I can at least control mine". This is one occasion when it may actually help to be a little self-centred -- ask yourself "how can I make things easier for myself?" rather than "how can I deal with his behaviour?" -- because by focusing your attention on him, you may be reinforcing the behaviour that's causing the problem. If it all gets too much for you, stand back -- and agree a strategy with your partner (you say 'we' so I presume there are two of you), so that if one of you starts to get stressed, the other one can step in and take over.
(All these suggestions really boil down to the same thing -- that you need to treat this as a question of family dynamics, not just a question of toddler behaviour.)
I hope this helps. Believe me, I have every sympathy for you -- I've been in your situation, and I know what it's like. Yes, it is just a phase, and yes, it will get better, but that doesn't help much when you're actually going through it ..
posted by verstegan at 5:37 AM on April 6, 2006 [3 favorites]
Very nice answer, Verstegan. Remember, a two and a half year old has not been on this planet for very long and doesn't have your adult resources to deal with frustration. No point in getting all wrath of god punative in a situation like this - it only serves to make everyone unhappy. Everyday, they are experiencing new stuff all the time! Try to imagine how overwhelming that would be. They are exploring boundaries and challenging themselves (and you) in the process. Distraction is a good tool in this kind of situation.
posted by jvilter at 5:57 AM on April 6, 2006
posted by jvilter at 5:57 AM on April 6, 2006
Whatever you do be consistent, and yes, calm. (survived three toddlers here.) And now is the time, btw to start introducing the little scamp to the concept that "no" means no. It really won't hurt them if they don't have their every want provided immediately. Not that they see it that way at that age!
(And if this only happens the first hour of the day-how's his sleep? He might just be going thru the equivalent state of being of a grownup who hasn't had her coffee yet. *smile*)
posted by konolia at 6:09 AM on April 6, 2006
(And if this only happens the first hour of the day-how's his sleep? He might just be going thru the equivalent state of being of a grownup who hasn't had her coffee yet. *smile*)
posted by konolia at 6:09 AM on April 6, 2006
I second checking into his sleep. Does he get enough? Kids this age need an average of 13-14 hours a day, including their nap. If he's not getting this, a lot of the behaviour issues might get "fixed" by working on that issue also.
Assuming he does get enough sleep, I think distractions work really well in this type of situation with a 2 year old. Pick up his favorite toy and start having a conversation with it about why his friend is upset. 2 or 3 minutes of that should be plenty to get him ready for normal interaction. I did that with my now 4 year old, it worked like a charm to get her out of a funk. I don't like leaving my children alone when they're angry, (even though I think it has it's merits at times like when you're too upset to deal with it then), I think talking with the child about why they're upset is better than just walking away. 2yo's just want their feelings to be acknowledged, then they're ready to move on. It teaches them that their feelings are worth your time, that they're valid, and you can talk them into how to deal with feelings like that in the future. You'd be surprised how much they can understand at that age. It just takes lots of repetition, you might have to do this every day for 2 weeks before he gets it.
As to the milk thing, does he have a favorite cup? Kids this age are notorious for wanting very specific things in a very specific way. Try to talk to him about what he doesn't like about how you're bringing him the milk. I guarantee it won't make sense to you, but somehow it makes perfect sense to him. Good luck!
posted by Buck Eschaton at 6:33 AM on April 6, 2006
Assuming he does get enough sleep, I think distractions work really well in this type of situation with a 2 year old. Pick up his favorite toy and start having a conversation with it about why his friend is upset. 2 or 3 minutes of that should be plenty to get him ready for normal interaction. I did that with my now 4 year old, it worked like a charm to get her out of a funk. I don't like leaving my children alone when they're angry, (even though I think it has it's merits at times like when you're too upset to deal with it then), I think talking with the child about why they're upset is better than just walking away. 2yo's just want their feelings to be acknowledged, then they're ready to move on. It teaches them that their feelings are worth your time, that they're valid, and you can talk them into how to deal with feelings like that in the future. You'd be surprised how much they can understand at that age. It just takes lots of repetition, you might have to do this every day for 2 weeks before he gets it.
As to the milk thing, does he have a favorite cup? Kids this age are notorious for wanting very specific things in a very specific way. Try to talk to him about what he doesn't like about how you're bringing him the milk. I guarantee it won't make sense to you, but somehow it makes perfect sense to him. Good luck!
posted by Buck Eschaton at 6:33 AM on April 6, 2006
Totally normal. Toddlers are insane.
We used the "One, Two, Three, Magic!" method (Google it) with some success. I was very skeptical as the video is very infomercialish but it actually works most of the time.
As others have said, be calm. He's looking for a reaction. At that age threats don't work. Being told you're going to take his [Favorite Toy] away will not phase him.
At that age my son was a monster every single morning. He's for now and things aren't better, just different.
posted by bondcliff at 6:37 AM on April 6, 2006
We used the "One, Two, Three, Magic!" method (Google it) with some success. I was very skeptical as the video is very infomercialish but it actually works most of the time.
As others have said, be calm. He's looking for a reaction. At that age threats don't work. Being told you're going to take his [Favorite Toy] away will not phase him.
At that age my son was a monster every single morning. He's for now and things aren't better, just different.
posted by bondcliff at 6:37 AM on April 6, 2006
Great answers MeFi. I'm finding this thread useful for my 2 year old too.
Distraction is a good tool in this kind of situation.
I find things like "Can you show Daddy how you climb into the car?" is better than, "Time to go to school!" Kids love to show off new skills and at 1 1/2 to 2 there are a lot of new skills to show off. "Can you give this to Mommy?", "Pick that up please", "time to wash your hands"... etc, are great distractions.
Avoid the word "IF". "If you don't calm down..." or "If you finish that up you can have a cookie"... Don't bargain. You're the boss, there is no meeting them half way.
posted by Hanover Phist at 6:46 AM on April 6, 2006
Distraction is a good tool in this kind of situation.
I find things like "Can you show Daddy how you climb into the car?" is better than, "Time to go to school!" Kids love to show off new skills and at 1 1/2 to 2 there are a lot of new skills to show off. "Can you give this to Mommy?", "Pick that up please", "time to wash your hands"... etc, are great distractions.
Avoid the word "IF". "If you don't calm down..." or "If you finish that up you can have a cookie"... Don't bargain. You're the boss, there is no meeting them half way.
posted by Hanover Phist at 6:46 AM on April 6, 2006
Response by poster: Thank you for all your answers. I don't think lack of sleep is causing him to act this way - it aggravates the situation,sure, but it happens when he's completely rested as well. Verstegan's answer makes the most sense to me. I don't really believe in distraction as a method - cause my kid's got that completely figured out: if I scream, I get rewarded by a nice little distraction ... let's scream! I know because that's the way their Nana tries to handle them - and things get very crazy very fast, over there. They have basically turned the poor woman into their personal clown ...
posted by Siberian Mist at 7:04 AM on April 6, 2006
posted by Siberian Mist at 7:04 AM on April 6, 2006
As the father of a twenty-three month old I also want to say thanks for all the good suggestions.
posted by Songdog at 7:15 AM on April 6, 2006
posted by Songdog at 7:15 AM on April 6, 2006
A ha ha ha, they're so clever with picking Vital Life Substances like milk and water to wage these battles over- I think their little animal brains sense our great desire to neither starve nor dehydrate them, oy!
One of the things that worked for us was this:
Start the day by offering a firm decision before the Little Angel can make a demand. Inform him, "We will get out of bed now, and we will have a glass of water."
When the screaming starts- and oh boy, will it- walk away. And you have to be SERIOUS about walking away- no peeking, no checking to see if Jr. has turned purple yet, nothing.
Wait until he calms down- it doesn't have to be a full calm, just no screaming- then come back and ask, "Are you ready to get out of bed and have that glass of water now?"
If he screams, leave again. If he follows you to scream, pick him up and return him to his room. I usually tell them at this point, "If you want to cry, you may, but you have to do it in your room."
Repeat until he decides he wants to get out of bed and have a glass of water. He may try bargaining; ignore it. If you say out of bed and water, then it's out of bed and water. Milk can come afterwards.
You have to let him know you're in charge, and refusing to negotiate with tiny terrorists works wonders. Also, for your own sanity, remember that while you may know you have to have breakfast, get dressed, make it into the car, and get to X by whatever time, toddlers don't.
They have no agenda and no concept of schedule, so if balking at putting on a coat seems like a good idea at the time, that's their *whole* schedule for the day until something distracts them. They're being wildly irritating, but they're not trying to sabotage you, for serious. (Just keeping that in mind made ignoring the tantrums a lot easier for me.)
Also, I'd like to second One, Two, Three, Magic- I didn't follow all of the advice it offered, but it works remarkably well, even in young children. We started with my daughter when she was a little over a year old, and now at four, I still only have to count to one to get her to comply with most anything.
posted by headspace at 7:28 AM on April 6, 2006
One of the things that worked for us was this:
Start the day by offering a firm decision before the Little Angel can make a demand. Inform him, "We will get out of bed now, and we will have a glass of water."
When the screaming starts- and oh boy, will it- walk away. And you have to be SERIOUS about walking away- no peeking, no checking to see if Jr. has turned purple yet, nothing.
Wait until he calms down- it doesn't have to be a full calm, just no screaming- then come back and ask, "Are you ready to get out of bed and have that glass of water now?"
If he screams, leave again. If he follows you to scream, pick him up and return him to his room. I usually tell them at this point, "If you want to cry, you may, but you have to do it in your room."
Repeat until he decides he wants to get out of bed and have a glass of water. He may try bargaining; ignore it. If you say out of bed and water, then it's out of bed and water. Milk can come afterwards.
You have to let him know you're in charge, and refusing to negotiate with tiny terrorists works wonders. Also, for your own sanity, remember that while you may know you have to have breakfast, get dressed, make it into the car, and get to X by whatever time, toddlers don't.
They have no agenda and no concept of schedule, so if balking at putting on a coat seems like a good idea at the time, that's their *whole* schedule for the day until something distracts them. They're being wildly irritating, but they're not trying to sabotage you, for serious. (Just keeping that in mind made ignoring the tantrums a lot easier for me.)
Also, I'd like to second One, Two, Three, Magic- I didn't follow all of the advice it offered, but it works remarkably well, even in young children. We started with my daughter when she was a little over a year old, and now at four, I still only have to count to one to get her to comply with most anything.
posted by headspace at 7:28 AM on April 6, 2006
I would also add that this is behaviour that, unless dealt with now, will escalate. I have two friends I no longer see (unless we meet up solo for a quick lunch during school hours) because their children, now aged around 8 or 9, are so badly behaved. The children concerned were indulged in their tantrums when they were small and have never grown out of them. Why should they? They work!
[These are two separate families, btw, not two kids with the same parents.]
As a result, it's impossible to try to hold a conversation with the parents because of the constant attention-demanding interruptions, which escalate if the parent tries to ignore the child (once when I was trying to talk to my friend her son grabbed a cup of coffee and threw it in her face, screaming "I'M TALKING TO YOU!!"). Her response was to apologise to him!
Neither family is able to enjoy normal activities, such as eating out, museums, movies, etc. because the children are unable to conduct themselves in anything other than tantrum mode. The parents can't go out on their own (except when the children are at school) because nobody will sit the children.
Both children have problems at school in terms of being unable to share or socialise. Both children have been tested, and neither is suffering from ADHD, Asperger's or any other medical problem.
Both friends now realise (from watching "Supernanny", etc.) that they have to a large extent brought this situation on themselves by failing to nip it in the bud when the child was 2 or 3 years old.
posted by essexjan at 7:35 AM on April 6, 2006
[These are two separate families, btw, not two kids with the same parents.]
As a result, it's impossible to try to hold a conversation with the parents because of the constant attention-demanding interruptions, which escalate if the parent tries to ignore the child (once when I was trying to talk to my friend her son grabbed a cup of coffee and threw it in her face, screaming "I'M TALKING TO YOU!!"). Her response was to apologise to him!
Neither family is able to enjoy normal activities, such as eating out, museums, movies, etc. because the children are unable to conduct themselves in anything other than tantrum mode. The parents can't go out on their own (except when the children are at school) because nobody will sit the children.
Both children have problems at school in terms of being unable to share or socialise. Both children have been tested, and neither is suffering from ADHD, Asperger's or any other medical problem.
Both friends now realise (from watching "Supernanny", etc.) that they have to a large extent brought this situation on themselves by failing to nip it in the bud when the child was 2 or 3 years old.
posted by essexjan at 7:35 AM on April 6, 2006
Once when I was trying to talk to my friend her son grabbed a cup of coffee and threw it in her face, screaming "I'M TALKING TO YOU!!" Her response was to apologise to him!
Wow. Just... wow.
posted by headspace at 7:56 AM on April 6, 2006
Wow. Just... wow.
posted by headspace at 7:56 AM on April 6, 2006
I wish that I had mentioned this before - when my kids were young, I used to watch a parenting series featuring pediatrician T. Berry Brazelton. The information that was provided in that series (compassionate but firm limit setting) formed the basis of our parenting. It was a lifesaver for coping with two very challenging little girls. He has a series of books out (here's one of them) that embody his child-rearing philosophy. I highly recommend them.
posted by Flakypastry at 8:02 AM on April 6, 2006
posted by Flakypastry at 8:02 AM on April 6, 2006
He wants power. He sees that you have more than your share. Give him some.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 8:30 AM on April 6, 2006
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 8:30 AM on April 6, 2006
Great question and great answers. We know that we are blessed in that our three-year-old's tantrums are trivial and mostly consist of a little drama and eventual acceptance that she's not getting what she wants.
We're also big on sequencing, which works well with her. Not "if you do a, then you get reward", but rather "first a, then b" or as her cognition develops, "first a, then b, then c". She is also good at letting us know that she's complying because she will sign 'OK' and that's as good as a contract. An example is this morning after she is dressed, she asked for breakfast. I said, "first brush your teeth, then eggs." (I will repeat once If don't get 'OK' the first time). Then we go to the bathroom and brush her teeth, and I remind her of the sequence when she's done and we go make breakfast.
We're also big into choices for her when she's tantrumy by offering her two options, one being what we want her to do (but she's fighting) and the other being something she doesn't want to do. This reinforces other choice activities during the day (picking out clothing, picking out the color of her sippy cup etc).
We also (try to) require polite, specific requests for things. Pointing at the cup is understandable, but she needs to express, "want water please" or "water please" to get it.
I don't know if it helps or not, but we also label emotions and physical state as grumpy, sad, tired, happy, tired, sick, hurt etc.
posted by plinth at 8:32 AM on April 6, 2006 [2 favorites]
We're also big on sequencing, which works well with her. Not "if you do a, then you get reward", but rather "first a, then b" or as her cognition develops, "first a, then b, then c". She is also good at letting us know that she's complying because she will sign 'OK' and that's as good as a contract. An example is this morning after she is dressed, she asked for breakfast. I said, "first brush your teeth, then eggs." (I will repeat once If don't get 'OK' the first time). Then we go to the bathroom and brush her teeth, and I remind her of the sequence when she's done and we go make breakfast.
We're also big into choices for her when she's tantrumy by offering her two options, one being what we want her to do (but she's fighting) and the other being something she doesn't want to do. This reinforces other choice activities during the day (picking out clothing, picking out the color of her sippy cup etc).
We also (try to) require polite, specific requests for things. Pointing at the cup is understandable, but she needs to express, "want water please" or "water please" to get it.
I don't know if it helps or not, but we also label emotions and physical state as grumpy, sad, tired, happy, tired, sick, hurt etc.
posted by plinth at 8:32 AM on April 6, 2006 [2 favorites]
I also find "1 2 3 Magic" very useful. The key is consistency. Stick to your guns. Once we'd been consistently applying it for a while, I was so pleased to discover that I don't even have to get to three anymore! I started using it with our daughter just after she turned 2. At that age, her attention and memory weren't perfect, so I was very clear at each stage what the expectation was and what the consequences of not listening would be.
"That's One, kiddo, pick up your toys or have a time out"
wait...
"That's Two, kiddo, pick up your toys or have a time out"
wait...
"That's Three, kiddo, pick up your toys or have a time out"
I also hold up my fingers with each number. I try to make it very simple and clear what the expectation is, and how close she is to the consequence she wants to avoid. We've been using this, with a lot of success, for about a year. Last week, I told her to do some thing (get dressed I think) and I only had to hold up the first finger. Before I had a chance to say my little spiel, she said "That's One?" and then went and did the thing. It was beautiful. Of course, it doesn't always work that perfectly, but it works so often and it's so simple.
posted by raedyn at 8:33 AM on April 6, 2006
"That's One, kiddo, pick up your toys or have a time out"
wait...
"That's Two, kiddo, pick up your toys or have a time out"
wait...
"That's Three, kiddo, pick up your toys or have a time out"
I also hold up my fingers with each number. I try to make it very simple and clear what the expectation is, and how close she is to the consequence she wants to avoid. We've been using this, with a lot of success, for about a year. Last week, I told her to do some thing (get dressed I think) and I only had to hold up the first finger. Before I had a chance to say my little spiel, she said "That's One?" and then went and did the thing. It was beautiful. Of course, it doesn't always work that perfectly, but it works so often and it's so simple.
posted by raedyn at 8:33 AM on April 6, 2006
Something else I found really helpful to try and avoid the battles is to give her a choice everytime I possibly can. It will be very small choices most of the time, but it gives her a sense of control.
So rather than saying "put on your shirt" which is often met by "No!" I'll say "do you want to wear the blue shirt or the green shirt?". She gets a chance to assert herself, and I still my goal accomplished - she picks a shirt and we put it on together.
I give her a very small timeframe to make the choice because one thing she tried was hemming and hawing over the decision and delaying so we don't get my goal accomplished. So if she doesn't tell me which shirt immediately I'll tell her "you pick now or mommy will pick for you". That gives her a sense of urgency. Well, it didn't at first. But when I immediately followed through, made the choice and didn't waver, she learned that Mom means it when she says "you pick or I will".
They're always testing testing exloring pushing, aren't they? It can be exhausting to try and anticipate them, but as parents we get to develop our improvisation, thinking on our feet, creative skills. And it's taught me to only say what I really mean, because if I say "stop yelling or we'll go home right now" I have to be prepared to follow through!
posted by raedyn at 8:42 AM on April 6, 2006 [3 favorites]
So rather than saying "put on your shirt" which is often met by "No!" I'll say "do you want to wear the blue shirt or the green shirt?". She gets a chance to assert herself, and I still my goal accomplished - she picks a shirt and we put it on together.
I give her a very small timeframe to make the choice because one thing she tried was hemming and hawing over the decision and delaying so we don't get my goal accomplished. So if she doesn't tell me which shirt immediately I'll tell her "you pick now or mommy will pick for you". That gives her a sense of urgency. Well, it didn't at first. But when I immediately followed through, made the choice and didn't waver, she learned that Mom means it when she says "you pick or I will".
They're always testing testing exloring pushing, aren't they? It can be exhausting to try and anticipate them, but as parents we get to develop our improvisation, thinking on our feet, creative skills. And it's taught me to only say what I really mean, because if I say "stop yelling or we'll go home right now" I have to be prepared to follow through!
posted by raedyn at 8:42 AM on April 6, 2006 [3 favorites]
What raedyn just said about choices, which is, interestingly enough, a corollary of what weaponsgradepandemonium said. He wants more power, and by offering him a small, controlled choice, you're giving him that power in a sane way that he can deal with. "Do you want your milk in the blue cup or the green cup?" works a lot better than "Do you want milk?" or "Here's your milk."
The other thing I can add is that when my son was a toddler and prone to the occasional fit, I figured out that he had a lot of trouble with transitions - i.e., going from bed to being awake, from home to daycare, from daycare to home, or even from home to the playground or a friends' house. So I started giving him as much time and warning as I could; I even got one of those buzzing timers. "Okay, it will be breakfast time in five minutes." "Three minutes" "One minute" and so on. It helped.
I learned a lot from this book, including the one strategy/mantra I think has enabled me to raise a bright, creative, wonderful but challenging, ADD and learning disabled kid to the advanced age of 14: Pick Your Battles. There are things worth fighting over - politeness, kindness, consideration - and there are things not worth fighting over - whether or not he drinks all his milk, whether he wears the Frankenstein shirt for the 112th consecutive day. Once I got that clear in my own head, things around our house got a lot calmer. Of course, by the time that happened, he wasn't 2 1/2 anymore and as you know and thank the gods, kids do, eventually, grow out of a lot of the worst of this kind of behavior.
posted by mygothlaundry at 9:05 AM on April 6, 2006
The other thing I can add is that when my son was a toddler and prone to the occasional fit, I figured out that he had a lot of trouble with transitions - i.e., going from bed to being awake, from home to daycare, from daycare to home, or even from home to the playground or a friends' house. So I started giving him as much time and warning as I could; I even got one of those buzzing timers. "Okay, it will be breakfast time in five minutes." "Three minutes" "One minute" and so on. It helped.
I learned a lot from this book, including the one strategy/mantra I think has enabled me to raise a bright, creative, wonderful but challenging, ADD and learning disabled kid to the advanced age of 14: Pick Your Battles. There are things worth fighting over - politeness, kindness, consideration - and there are things not worth fighting over - whether or not he drinks all his milk, whether he wears the Frankenstein shirt for the 112th consecutive day. Once I got that clear in my own head, things around our house got a lot calmer. Of course, by the time that happened, he wasn't 2 1/2 anymore and as you know and thank the gods, kids do, eventually, grow out of a lot of the worst of this kind of behavior.
posted by mygothlaundry at 9:05 AM on April 6, 2006
Totally agreeing with mygothlaundry re: giving notice about the impending change.
"Five minutes and then the TV goes off"
"Two more minutes and then the TV goes off"
I also check with her to be sure that she heard what I said and knows what's coming.
"Two more minutes, and then what?" getting her to fill in the blank.
posted by raedyn at 9:35 AM on April 6, 2006 [1 favorite]
"Five minutes and then the TV goes off"
"Two more minutes and then the TV goes off"
I also check with her to be sure that she heard what I said and knows what's coming.
"Two more minutes, and then what?" getting her to fill in the blank.
posted by raedyn at 9:35 AM on April 6, 2006 [1 favorite]
Of course, all this has been working pretty well for me at the moment. But she'll change and then we'll have to devise new plans. But I think that's pretty much what parenting is about.
posted by raedyn at 9:35 AM on April 6, 2006
posted by raedyn at 9:35 AM on April 6, 2006
I have a 5 month old at home.
This thread both scares me, and gives me hope. Good advice all!
posted by WinnipegDragon at 9:41 AM on April 6, 2006
This thread both scares me, and gives me hope. Good advice all!
posted by WinnipegDragon at 9:41 AM on April 6, 2006
I have no kids and I'm terrified. ;) I'm bookmarking this, I hope del.icio.us is around for the next 5 years!
posted by like_neon at 9:58 AM on April 6, 2006
posted by like_neon at 9:58 AM on April 6, 2006
Mine are now 22 and 23 (born 10 months apart). I wish I'd had this resource back then. I'll just be the nth person to restate all the good advice about not participating in the toddler behavior by removing yourself when the extreme unreasonableness and screaming are in play. I remember once looking at one of mine in the midst of such a fit and suddenly having some very small measure of empathy for parents of children who had died of shaken baby syndrome.
posted by Carbolic at 10:23 AM on April 6, 2006
posted by Carbolic at 10:23 AM on April 6, 2006
Okay, here's my confusion: how exactly does one "walk away" from a toddler? My nephew lives in the living room, so we can't exactly just leave him in there. When he's throwing fits, and we walk to the other side of the room, he and his tantrum follow. Would just straight ignoring him do the trick, seeing as how leaving the room is just impossible?
posted by starbaby at 1:04 PM on April 6, 2006
posted by starbaby at 1:04 PM on April 6, 2006
You just need to deny him the attention he's trying to get for the tantrum, and if you only have room to turn your back, that's fine. It works best if you have something you can occupy yourself with- putting away dishes, folding laundry, sorting mail, whatever, so that the child knows he's not distrupting you and your day (even if he happens to be hanging from your knee at the time.)
posted by headspace at 1:49 PM on April 6, 2006
posted by headspace at 1:49 PM on April 6, 2006
Lots of good advice all round here.
We are fans of the book/method Parenting With Love and Logic, which reiterates the idea that you have to give away to the child the control you don't really need -- i.e. green cup or blue cup. By teaching them to make practical decisions for themselves, when the stakes are very low, they learn how good behavior is rewarding to all those involved.
The key is to make sure the child understands the consequences. "If you ask for milk and then change your mind, you won't get any milk again until I'm in the kitchen next." "The kitchen is off-limits after dinner, so if you don't eat your food now while the family eats, you'll be awfully hungry until breakfast." "Children who can't play quietly while Grandma is napping, will be asked to play outside in the yard." Then, he is making an informed decision, which empowers his participation, reaffirms your authority, and rewards him when he sees the results he was promised.
Our school-ager is now testing the method, by "choosing" neither, or choosing to make no choice. She has learned that we will then make the decision for her -- and that feeling of receiving power, and then giving it up herself by not using it, is a strong, strong tool.
posted by pineapple at 3:39 PM on April 6, 2006 [2 favorites]
We are fans of the book/method Parenting With Love and Logic, which reiterates the idea that you have to give away to the child the control you don't really need -- i.e. green cup or blue cup. By teaching them to make practical decisions for themselves, when the stakes are very low, they learn how good behavior is rewarding to all those involved.
The key is to make sure the child understands the consequences. "If you ask for milk and then change your mind, you won't get any milk again until I'm in the kitchen next." "The kitchen is off-limits after dinner, so if you don't eat your food now while the family eats, you'll be awfully hungry until breakfast." "Children who can't play quietly while Grandma is napping, will be asked to play outside in the yard." Then, he is making an informed decision, which empowers his participation, reaffirms your authority, and rewards him when he sees the results he was promised.
Our school-ager is now testing the method, by "choosing" neither, or choosing to make no choice. She has learned that we will then make the decision for her -- and that feeling of receiving power, and then giving it up herself by not using it, is a strong, strong tool.
posted by pineapple at 3:39 PM on April 6, 2006 [2 favorites]
I'm finding this thread quite helpful myself. My son, who's now 3 and a half, just recently came out of that phase. I was getting nervous that I was going to have a brat on my hands because of something I'd done, or hadn't done. I did just discover something that has worked like magic, so I figured here would be a place to share it (I'd like to scream it from the rooftops, I'm so proud!)...
Any change in routine for my son caused a meltdown. I tell him "You (go play, finish your TV show, we finish the story), and in a few minutes/when we're done, I'm going to say "It's time to go to sleep/go home/clean up" and you're going to say "Okay, Mom." I just lay out exactly how I expect it to go. I was floored when he responded with "Okay mom" and happily climbed into bed and fell asleep after 10 minutes - usually going to sleep was a three hour struggle, even though he stayed in his room. A few days later, he'll finish the sentence for me. I'm on a cloud lately!
I had tried this a few months or maybe a year ago and it didn't work, but it's magic now. Aside from discovering a wonderful new angle, it's driven home the idea that if something seems like a good idea to you but doesn't work with your child, try it again in a few months if need be. Before this, I was starting to feel like the worst Mom in the world, but now I feel like Mother of the Year! (The things that thrill you when you have a child!)
posted by Iamtherealme at 7:57 PM on April 6, 2006 [2 favorites]
Any change in routine for my son caused a meltdown. I tell him "You (go play, finish your TV show, we finish the story), and in a few minutes/when we're done, I'm going to say "It's time to go to sleep/go home/clean up" and you're going to say "Okay, Mom." I just lay out exactly how I expect it to go. I was floored when he responded with "Okay mom" and happily climbed into bed and fell asleep after 10 minutes - usually going to sleep was a three hour struggle, even though he stayed in his room. A few days later, he'll finish the sentence for me. I'm on a cloud lately!
I had tried this a few months or maybe a year ago and it didn't work, but it's magic now. Aside from discovering a wonderful new angle, it's driven home the idea that if something seems like a good idea to you but doesn't work with your child, try it again in a few months if need be. Before this, I was starting to feel like the worst Mom in the world, but now I feel like Mother of the Year! (The things that thrill you when you have a child!)
posted by Iamtherealme at 7:57 PM on April 6, 2006 [2 favorites]
I recommend the book "The New Dare To Discipline", by James Dobson. No, it's not about beating your kids. And while he is a noted Christian, it's not about indoctrinating them either. Best book anyone who procreates can ever read.
posted by JamesMessick at 9:33 PM on April 6, 2006
posted by JamesMessick at 9:33 PM on April 6, 2006
This James Dobson?
I'm going to stick with seconding, thirding, fourthing etc. verstegans's approach and suggestions in similar vein.
posted by funambulist at 2:51 AM on April 7, 2006
I'm going to stick with seconding, thirding, fourthing etc. verstegans's approach and suggestions in similar vein.
posted by funambulist at 2:51 AM on April 7, 2006
This thread is closed to new comments.
He's testing his new-found power to "make things happen." But he realizes after he asks for things that he doesn't really want them after all. What he needs to learn is socially acceptable ways to react.
He also might be teething, which makes everything that much more stressful. And I assume that you've had his ears rechecked.
posted by Flakypastry at 2:56 AM on April 6, 2006