Bringing up the kids topic when dating

October 15, 2021 2:36 AM

I'm pretty sure I want kids and, due to sad life circumstances I'd rather not go into, haven't had them yet. I'm 37, female. I realise time is running out, and I'm trying to manage the panic about that. It mostly works, but I notice dating really brings it up. I'm so nervous of looking desperate that I find it hard to directly ask the kids question, but at the same time I don't want to waste my time. Or, I touch on the issue with a guy who gives a slightly fluffy answer and then don't want to probe any more as it feels too invasive. I have stayed with wishy washy guys for too long in the past, and I know I need to stop this.

Now, I've had two dates with someone who is 36. He says he would like nothing more than to meet the woman to have kids with. But at the same time he's not long moved to my city for career reasons, and said he would want to move back to the countryside if he had kids. So he's not going to want to move back in a short couple of years if he has lots of career stuff to do. He also says he wants to be in the right financial position. These things make me nervous as I probs need to start thinking of kids in the next couple of years and sounds like he still has lots to do, but I don't know if I should directly broach this with him? I'm worried about putting him off, but also what does it matter if he doesn't have the same intentions anyway?

I don't understand why I find it so hard to talk about. It's just so awkward! And dating is supposed to be fun whereas this feels like it puts a really serious pressure on it all?

I even feel embarrassed writing this. Like I don't feel entitled to own the urge to have a child? I sometimes even wonder if I definitely want them myself or if this is FOMO, but it feels like I don't have the luxury of giving that much thought anyway.

I also don't want someone to think I'm desperate to just have kids with anyone. I'm actually not. It needs to be the right situation.

FYI I've frozen quite a few eggs so IVF could be a future option. I'd rather go down the natural route though.

posted by starstarstar to Human Relations (19 answers total)

I don't understand why I find it so hard to talk about.

Because women are conditioned not to prioritise their needs.

If you know that you really want kids, would you have a kid on your own? If so, say to these guys 'Hey, just so you know, I plan to have a kid soon one way or another. I really want the opportunity to [insert wholesome thing about raising a child here]. Would you be keen on having kids in the foreseeable future?' It is straightforward and honours yourself. AND, if the fellow is keen on kids too, he can start to feel excited by your willingness.

BTW, at around the same age as you, my sister spoke like this to a very nice man she'd just met the day before. Their eldest daughter is about to graduate high school.
posted by Thella at 2:46 AM on October 15, 2021 [22 favorites]

Putting this into perspective - it may feel awkward but it is a good awkward. By bringing it up early and as clear deal breaker you are doing you both a favor.

You need somebody who is ready now and is clear they are ready now, not somebody who is vague. So if they are ready you being upfront is great because it gives you both a clear answer to a question that should be a deal breaker for both of you at this point. And then you have an incentive to explore if you are also compatible in other ways and have fun.

And if they are not ready it is still great because you now both know not to waste time with each other and move on.
posted by koahiatamadl at 2:49 AM on October 15, 2021 [15 favorites]

He says he would like nothing more than to meet the woman to have kids with.

That could very easily mean that he would only have kids with a woman of XYZ outstanding qualities, qualities which would also mean he'd enjoy being with such a woman for an indefinite period of time prior to having kids. You need to know the timeline, and it needs to match yours. The things you describe about his life that seem potentially inconsistent with getting started soonish are reasonable concerns! On the other hand, you too want it to be "the right situation" and seem potentially willing to upend your current life to get there (do you like the countryside? what's a good-enough financial situation for you?), and maybe it's the same for him or some other potential partner. So you have to talk about it!
posted by teremala at 3:18 AM on October 15, 2021 [1 favorite]

When I (at 31 years old), was asked by a man I’d been seeing for a short time, what I was looking for, I said I wasn’t interested in casually dating - the plan was to meet someone to settle down and have kids with. Note; I did not say I wanted to marry HIM (although low and behold that’s what happened) it was more about letting him know what my long term goals were.

As it was, he said he was after the same thing with the right person and so we continued it knowing that at the very least we were on the same page. At some point you’re going to have to have the conversation, and given your timeline, you want to be having it sooner rather than later. Anyone who is scared off by this was never a serious prospect anyway and you’re better knowing this upfront.
posted by Jubey at 3:38 AM on October 15, 2021 [5 favorites]

If you are online dating, I recommend being very up-front about your goals and timeline in your profile. Weed out the unsuitable people right away. "I'm not interested in casual dating. I hope to be married and starting a family/having children within the next couple years. I am looking for someone who dreams of being a dad." I included that sort of thing when I was dating in my 30s and it helped limit the time-wasters.
posted by belladonna at 4:19 AM on October 15, 2021 [37 favorites]

It sounds like his dating profile said he wanted kids. That’s how you know that about him, right? You could bring this up to him by saying, “One of the things I liked about you is your profile mentioned having a family. Why did you include that? What’s your thoughts about having kids?” I know this still feels awkward, but I think framing it as something he already mentioned might help you bring it up.
I think the location thing isn’t much of a factor- someone could say they want to raise kids “in the country” and mean they want to move there when the kid is school age or whatever.
Bella Donna makes a good point that your profile should be really clear about this too.
I think you sound really fun and reasonable and like you’re doing a good job of managing all the crazy stress women have to balance.
posted by areaperson at 5:51 AM on October 15, 2021

I would just bring it up as quickly as you can. I did, on my first date with my now-husband, and we were both on the same page both about the fact that we wanted kids and the approximate timeline. That helped immensely to navigate all the decisions we needed to make in order to have kids about 3 years after getting married.

I don't think it sounds desperate at all - the opposite in fact. You're trying to determine if you're a good fit and you're not interested in wasting your time if it's not. Just be clear and firm - "I'm 37 years old, and I do want to have kids. I'd like to understand if you want kids too, and what you see as the timeline for having them, if so." If it sounds like a contract negotiation, that's because it kinda is. The right person will be enthusiastic about the idea of having kids soon. You don't want a person who is so turned off by the idea of you asking for what you want as a partner anyway.
posted by peacheater at 6:15 AM on October 15, 2021 [3 favorites]

I'm on team cut-to-the-chase. My situation is different but when I was dating, I was seeking kinky folks for kinky fun and made that clear in my profile to filter for better matches early. That way I wasted less time meeting folks who were an obvious mismatch.

There is nothing wrong with what you want. Cherish it. Own it. Explore it. (Insert better/more appropriate supportive exhortations here.) You want kids? Excellent. Other folks do too. Go find 'em by being upfront and bringing up the issue early. Plenty of good examples how above. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 6:30 AM on October 15, 2021 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Thanks everyone. I don't know why I feel such shame at admitting I want this. I have I have an issue with owning up to what I want, for fear I won't get it.
posted by starstarstar at 6:44 AM on October 15, 2021 [7 favorites]

"If you are online dating, I recommend being very up-front about your goals and timeline in your profile. Weed out the unsuitable people right away."

Absolutely this. As with all things online dating, let your profile do the work for you. As a guy, I am very much looking for this kind of language.
posted by Capt. Renault at 7:07 AM on October 15, 2021 [1 favorite]

Broach it! It sounds like you might be making some assumptions based on his profile that might be flexible for the right person and there's only one way to find out.
When I was dating in my mid-30's it was fairly common for guys to ask me on the first or second date if I wanted another child. Neither was ultimately compatible for the long term with me (one wanted me to give up my career if we were to have a baby and didn't connect well with my kid, the other was newly divorced and on the fence about adding a third to what would have been our blended family), but they paved the way for me to be more comfortable asserting what I was looking for with my current partner who I have a toddler with. I think men who are serious about entering a relationship want to know what you're looking for, and it's ok to weed out unsuitable partners early on. I have a friend who was in a similar situation, it was important for her that her partner be ready to start a family and that meant financially secure. It's ok to seek that out! You won't scare off the guys who actually want the same things as you.
posted by lafemma at 7:56 AM on October 15, 2021 [1 favorite]

It doesn't sound like this person's goals are aligned with yours. Make yourself an account on Bumble and put on your profile what kind of relationship you are looking for.
posted by oceano at 9:02 AM on October 15, 2021

I feel like putting in the profile is a good idea. If a guy I was just dating (no matter how much I wanted kids) started looking me in the face and talking about having children with me, I know I would feel like --- hold on, slow your roll! It just feels so immediate when you talk about it face to face when you might not feel like it's the time. I think it's a bit human nature. I don't want to feel like an incubator for someone that wants kids and it might scare me off.

Say right up from in your profile. I'd say something like-- I am not interested in the end goal of just casually dating lots of people. Looking to date with long term companionship in mind with someone who hasn't ruled out having children.
posted by beccaj at 9:11 AM on October 15, 2021

For your specific situation with the countryside guy.. talk to him. Moving to the countryside doesn't mean he would need to move back there before your due date. It might simply mean that by the time the kid is 5 and starting elementary school, he would want to be in the countryside. That buys him at least 6 years for his career.
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 10:31 AM on October 15, 2021 [1 favorite]

From an opposite perspective - I don’t want kids. Ever. And I realized that young. And I met my husband young. (I was 19, he was 22). Maybe I’m more bold, though I deal with anxiety and grew up as a shy kid, but I talked about it with him in the first 2 weeks. Which, for a college relationship is a lot.

I said “Do you want kids?” He said “No, not at all” and I said “Are you sure? Because I am never having kids.” And he said “Yes.” And here we are, a dozen years later, with a vasectomy and hysterectomy between then and now.

It’s one of those things you just really gotta do. It is NOT awkward. It’s one of the biggest and most important things to be on the same page about, but not awkward or weird. I agree about updating your profile to be clear too. Take a deep breath. Push the words out your face hole and smile confidently.
posted by Crystalinne at 11:13 AM on October 15, 2021 [4 favorites]

I agree with everyone urging you to make your dating profile crystal clear about your desired timeline.

That said, with this current guy I wonder if you are filling in some blanks more negatively than needed. Everyone has their imagined ideal future, and what they're willing to compromise on. So he wants to have kids in the countryside -what's behind that desire? Getting to do outdoor activities with his kids? Would he, as suggested upthread, be fine if the kid's first 5 years were in the city? And on the point about financial stability, what does that mean to him? Is it about where he'll be in 1yr if all goes well?

Basically, don't be shy about asking follow up questions, or just saying, "Ok, so if my goal is to be pregnant in around two years, are our timelines just not compatible?" But don't assume that just because someone doesn't have the same exact ideal timeline that doesn't mean they are amenable to a range of futures.

Finally, any man that has experience dating 37-year old women has no doubt had these conversations before - you aren't being "weird" for doing so. Good luck.
posted by coffeecat at 3:19 PM on October 15, 2021 [2 favorites]

Ask early while it is still a question about them and doesn’t feel like a question about whether they’d want that with you specifically. Maybe try pretending you are screening them for your friend who really wants kids, if that helps you be brave!
posted by AnnaRat at 10:33 PM on October 15, 2021 [1 favorite]

(For reference, I'm a gay guy, so feel free to take what I say with a grain of salt.)

I think the reason why this feels so weird to you is, as Thella said, women are socially conditioned to not prioritize their needs. But on top of that, there is a stigma against people being reasonably concerned about their biological clock. You even see this on metafilter, where people act as if having kids at the age of 40 is the easiest thing in the world, and that anyone who thinks otherwise is just a victim to misogyny.

I think it's naive to say that there won't be people who are put off by you going after what you want. And so the question is, do you want to prioritize your own needs, or the opinions of strangers you meet on dating apps who aren't right for you in the first place.

Finally, I'd recommend against pursuing a relationship with someone who has a list of goals, where if they don't get met, you wouldn't be interested anymore. Instead, focus on people who are already at a state where they can have kids. For a lot of people, goals are a just tool used to impress others because they're unhappy with the current state of their life. But they aren't actually committed to achieving their goals.
posted by chernoffhoeffding at 8:34 AM on October 16, 2021 [2 favorites]

Yes, absolutely put this in your profile i.e. "I want to have children in the next two years and am looking for a partner who also wants this." It's OK to want what you want, and much better to explicitly search for someone who wants it too.
posted by hungrytiger at 10:08 PM on October 18, 2021