Need respect from a man on the job that is treating me like crap!
October 9, 2021 1:15 PM   Subscribe

I work at a private equity company that is highly dominated by men. In fact, my whole career has been working in a "man's world" and I've generally earned respect, and faired well - not without working my butt off to get where I'm at. I'm a 36 (about to be 37) female - I dress professionally, work hard, and I generally think I am attractive (which is both good and bad in this job). In past performance reviews I have been told my better qualities are that I'm resilient and a good communicator. On the flip side, I've been told I need to work on my confidence. I generally like my company and job, and the execs have treated me well.

Recently, I was allowed to hire someone under me. I was replacing someone that didn't work that hard and recently left - I wanted a real rockstar. My boss didn't approve of my first pick, so I got number 2 - everyone loves this guy - he's ~32, tall, handsome and looks the part (i.e., he will fit into the "bro" culture). He towers over me, even when I wear my heels. He seems to be a great fit for the role and very smart.

Here's the problem - he doesn't seem to be respecting me as his boss. A couple of examples from his first week on the job: About 4 times now, he's messaged me and said things like, "Let's be sure to do x or y / Let's go around the office so you can introduce me (after already introducing him several times) / Let's make sure to circle up on [insert task that helps him]" It's as if he is telling me to do stuff instead of asking. On Friday, he had scheduled his first meeting with me at 1 PM. At 12:30, he said, "Just sitting down for lunch now, can you do 1:15 or 1:30?", which I can't imagine saying to my boss the first week on the job.

None of these things seem like a big deal, but they're adding up, and I am worried he thinks he can walk all over me. Also, it's only been 5 days, and I'm starting to really resent this guy. The organization is small, so I want to nip this in the bud, but I don't want him talking poorly about me behind my back. One other detail, I'm worried I misrepresented the job - when interviewing I said, "I'm looking for a partner to really help me work deals and make the team better." I should never have used the word "partner", but it is very clear that I am his boss - I hired him, delivered his offer, my name is listed as his manager in the HR system, etc. For those that know the org structure of private equity, I recently was promoted to MD and he is coming in at VP.

Any advice on what to say to set things straight?
How do you deal with men that are younger that are obviously aggressive and eager to take your job?
How do you take back control in a situation like this?
And how do you stay confident in your position when someone who doesn't know you comes in and thinks they're better?

Thanks in advance!
posted by Shaitan to Work & Money (21 answers total) 11 users marked this as a favorite
 
You might find this Ask A Manager letter relevant: my employee is acting like a manager even though I’ve told him to stop.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 1:52 PM on October 9, 2021 [5 favorites]


Best answer: So I think one key here is getting comfortable with the fact that as you assert yourself people might talk behind your back, and also being comfortable with the fact that as you assert your position, you might piss some people off and learning to be okay with that.

I’m a female physician. Women in medicine are often groomed to be “nice” and friendly with everyone. When we act like our male counterparts—short, to the point, telling people what to do—we are bitches and much, much worse. I’m still early in my career and in my first job I tried to be the nice friendly female doctor. I got walked all over, burnt out, and quit my job. In my new job, I’ve been much more assertive about what is and isn’t okay. I have probably pissed of a couple people, and while it definitely caused me angst privately I’m trying to live with and move past it—I’m not being an asshole, I’m doing what is best for myself and my patients. For some reason the fact that I have ovaries means that if I tell people what to do without a stupid smiley face at the end of my request means I’m a bitch doctor then so be it. Im also an excellent physician and focus on that. I do not see my male counterparts spend even one second of time on this shit, and I try to emulate that mindset. It seems incredible. And they are not better physicians than I am, the patriarchy has just served them very very well.

As for this guy, I think a direct conversation early is warranted now. It’s easier to set the tone now then try to correct later (from my experience that is impossible). He might talk about you—let him. Be confident in your work and your role. And from then, it’s generally correcting every aggression in a professional yet direct way until he learns. Believe me, he knows you are his boss. He didn’t misunderstand when you used partner. But he doesn’t want you to be his boss, in fact he can barely tolerate it, as evidenced by his behavior.

But really my takeaway: people are not kind to professional women who assert themselves. Don’t waste energy on what is said behind your back—you have zero control over that. And The fact is, if this guy continues to walk all over you, people will ALSO talk about that.

Finally, I’m giving the double bird here to men who tell women they “lack confidence” in feedback sessions. That is code for “you lack a penis and don’t forget it.” I’ve also found telling people they aren’t “confident” doesn’t suddenly make them confident, it makes them more insecure. It’s not useful feedback for the person getting it, but it’s certainly useful for the person giving it.

Best of luck to you.
posted by namemeansgazelle at 2:00 PM on October 9, 2021 [67 favorites]


While I’ve never been in this exact situation, I wonder if it would be helpful to have a meeting with some very clear expectations-setting, focused on some task/project that he was hired to do and your oversight as a manager. In essence, affirming your status as manager by managing, rather than just reminding him that you are his manager. “Let’s set a general schedule for your work for the next 4 weeks. These tasks are yours: I expect to see XYZ progress by the end of these 4 weeks. My management style is ABC: I’d like to meet # times a week, before which I’d like you to summarize your progress on tasks in an email. During our meetings, we will discuss, troubleshoot, etc.. If you have a question, check the staff intranet first, email me if you can’t find an answer or if the issue is urgent, do not reach out to other managers without checking with me first. I expect you to be prompt and to attend scheduled meetings on time. I am invested in your success: after the first 4 weeks, we will sit down together and articulate your professional goals for your first year with the firm. Bonus/performance evaluations happen every six months. Do you have any questions?”
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 2:16 PM on October 9, 2021 [20 favorites]


I am very interested in the responses. It would certainly be a great question for Ask a Manager. (On preview, jinx!)

I'm wondering what Alison would have said to the lunch thing. I think running a few minutes late is not a big deal but being cavalier about pushing back a meeting with your boss the first week does sound rude. It's a work meeting, not a lunch date with a friend.

Employee: Can you do 1:15?
Boss: Let's stick with 1.
[in the meeting]:
Boss: [listing your expectations for his work]. Are you able to do that?

Nthing the comment by namemeansgazelle about confidence. Confidence stems in part from having your manager's support. When your manager wants you to be more confident, they should back you up in difficult situations and generally be on your side.
posted by M. at 2:18 PM on October 9, 2021 [6 favorites]


Any person coming into a PE firm at the VP level is both very ambitious and well aware that an MD outranks him. So, here are some possibilities for why he's acting as he is:

1. he is overcompensating for his feeling back-footed as a newbie
2. he's testing the waters, to see if he can dominate you in some way that benefits his ambition
3. he misread the culture at your firm and is acting from a misguided sense of what's appropriate behavior
4. he's a jerk who can nevertheless sell himself to the Good Old Boy network and bamboozled you as well so that he'd get hired
5. he doesn't respect you as his boss
6. he's so ambitious that he is pushing, and will continue to push, against the line until someone pushes back.

Any one of these possibilities could be the case, individually or in combination. If you were my client, unless you were certain one of these possibilities was definitely the case, I'd advise you to frame a discussion with him as though he's having trouble fitting into the culture at your firm. That is absolutely what any male in your position would assume, based on the observed behavior, and it is your responsibility as his boss to set him straight. In the PE companies I've worked with, first impressions are *much* more important than they are at other, non-financial firms, so you'd be doing him a favor.
posted by DrGail at 2:21 PM on October 9, 2021 [15 favorites]


Making bright young comers who want your job into good tools in your toolbox is one of the classic problems of finance middle management.

Giving them the leeway to be or feel “second along equals” is a prime solution to the problem. But if that doesn’t work for you, you have to shut it down without drama, apology or invitation the debate.

The right response to the lunch message was “nope, see you at 1.” Rebuff other importunities likewise and take advantage of one or two organic opportunities to let him feel the hierarchy in the next couple of weeks. (By “organic” I mean there’s a meeting or a call that he knows about and you could invite him, but don’t really need to, and you simply … don’t.)

In your head don’t make this about him being a tall handsome bro. Trollish-looking nerdy guys and women of all descriptions will make this play too and your defense to it would be the same.
posted by MattD at 2:23 PM on October 9, 2021 [17 favorites]


affirming your status as manager by managing, rather than just reminding him that you are his manager

I think this is great advice.

Also, if you don't know her already, Alison at Ask a Manager has a great e-book specifically about being a good manager. Plus, plenty of advice for new (and not so new) managers on her blog.
posted by M. at 2:23 PM on October 9, 2021 [2 favorites]


Two added thoughts -

Ask A Manager is not very good about finance.

Lots of finance companies do try to instill egalitarianism between direct reports, and have the more overt manifestation of hierarchy be at the “boss’s boss” level. This could be more about teaching your preferred approach to hierarchy than undoing some particular inclination to insubordination.
posted by MattD at 2:27 PM on October 9, 2021 [5 favorites]


This isn't his first job - and it's quite possible that he's acting in ways which were considered acceptable or even positive by his previous firm and his previous manager. He's very new at your firm, and still basically has only his previous role's experiences to guide him. I would try to avoid reading intentionality into what may just be a company culture difference.
posted by kickingtheground at 2:28 PM on October 9, 2021 [3 favorites]


You could try giving him a few assignments. "Please write this up and provide me a draft by the end of the day. Then tomorrow we can go over what some of your long term assignments are."

You could also deny his directives to you. "I can understand wanting to do a round of introductions but I actually need you to do XYZ in the morning instead. I will look for another time when we can do that."

On preview, I'm not in finance so I'm not sure this is right in that context.
posted by slidell at 2:29 PM on October 9, 2021 [2 favorites]


I asked a question here on the green, several years ago, as a young professional woman in a new job. I wrote that even when I try to be nice and bring donuts, the support staff didn't seen to respond positively to me.

Of all the responses that I got, the one that got my attention and stuck in my brain was : "put on your big girl panties and cowgirl up. You're in charge so act like it."

So, in that spirit - you've worked hard to to get where you are, and you belong there as much as anyone else. But you have to inhabit that space. Take charge. Ignore his asks, and shut them down firmly and blandly. Withhold the plum projects until he falls in line.

Channel powerful women. Whatever Angela Merkel had to do behind doors, it probably wasn't pretty, but she sure kept people in line.
posted by dum spiro spero at 2:39 PM on October 9, 2021 [9 favorites]


Ohhh, I have bad news for you. I read a study once about the reasons mid-career women give for quitting their jobs, and #1 was "I hired a younger guy and trained him, and then they made him my boss."

That probably won't happen to you, but let's be real: it totally could. 'Ambitious junior guy acting like a big shot' is a trope and importantly it's a trope that gets rewarded. When smart young men act like this, people 100% take it at face value. It's really kind of amazing.

So. Don't smack him down and don't rely on positional authority. That would make you seem threatened and/or rigid. People will see him as a bright young thing who's not being allowed to shine. That's not what you want and in fact it's the exact path to him becoming your boss.

Instead, manage him normally. Applaud his ambition, praise him when he does good work. But try also to cultivate the tiniest edge of amusement. Like if somebody proposes he get handed an important assignment, do a little surprise-laugh, and then quickly smother it. That kind of thing.

Do not worry at all about the partner thing. This is not your fault. There are dudes like this everywhere, and he would be behaving this way no matter what you did.

Oh and ignore advice on this from men :) This situation is all about gender and what a man could/should do is irrelevant.
posted by Susan PG at 4:51 PM on October 9, 2021 [15 favorites]


“As I said before, the meeting is at 1pm and I expect you there on time. Your orientation has already included several rounds of introductions to your colleagues and at this point you are expected to be able to move forward alone so I won’t be taking you around the company again. If you struggle to remember names, I suggest taking notes in future and referring to the org chart already provided.

However I will be scheduling regular catch-up sessions with you once a week. It seems like you’re struggling with time management if you’re needing to push back meetings so now I’ll be checking on your progress with various tasks and troubleshooting any issues. I’m your boss, I’m here to help but we need you to be hitting the ground running faster than you are. If you have any questions please schedule a meeting”

It seems like this guy is very quickly trying to establish you two as peers. I’d be reframing his whole cheery “pushing back on lunch” thing as an inability to manage his time so he realises when he’s trying to use you as his PA , he’s actually making himself look like he can’t do the job. Put him firmly in his place and do it straight away so he realises the chain of command. Let him know that he’s being noticed and not in a good way but offer assistance as his boss.
posted by Jubey at 5:31 PM on October 9, 2021 [25 favorites]


Oh, and when you say this, don’t smile, don’t apologise and don’t soften it. You’re giving your underling serious feedback about his lack of progress and you don’t need to do the typical female approach of making him feel ok about it. You’re his boss, not his friend. Once he understands where he fits in, you can warm things up later but for now he needs to get the message.
posted by Jubey at 5:40 PM on October 9, 2021 [12 favorites]


"None of these things seem like a big deal"

I beg to differ. They all seem like a big deal to me. At a minimum, they are all disrespectful. It doesn't sound like this guy understands you are his boss and what that means. It may have nothing to do with you and everything to do with how he is (such as privileged tall handsome guy or whatever), but in any case, I would try to nip it in the bud ASAP. Tell him he's being disrespectful to you as his manager and you won't have it. And of course document everything. This behavior is only going to get worse and only going to cause you more grief the longer it is allowed to go on.
posted by Dansaman at 10:22 PM on October 9, 2021 [1 favorite]


I’d be reframing his whole cheery “pushing back on lunch” thing as an inability to manage his time

One hundred percent agree. "I'm going to need you to be on time for meetings. We generally will have a lot to cover."
posted by slidell at 10:55 PM on October 9, 2021 [8 favorites]


Never ever trust your manager.
posted by bendy at 11:13 PM on October 9, 2021 [1 favorite]


I should add, I have met this guy before and more than once. The next thing he’ll do (if he’s given any rope at all) is start offloading all his menial grunt work on you by saying how busy he is to establish dominance and free him up. It also makes it look like you work for him and people are so easily convinced that if he’s charming enough, colleagues will take his lead on it.

Meanwhile he’ll be shmoozing with management several rungs above you to get the plum assignments and get them on side to either take over your role or become your boss.

You need to make it crystal clear very early on that his success and upwards trajectory within the company hinges on impressing you and doing the role he was hired for and that alone - even if it isn’t true.

But don’t be nervous or threatened by him - be mad that he’s being disrespectful. And definitely don’t waste any time caring about what he thinks of you, you’re his boss and wolves don’t concern themselves with the opinions of sheep.
posted by Jubey at 11:17 PM on October 9, 2021 [5 favorites]


MattD and DrGail have it. (And I think MattD is in finance.)

First of all, remind yourself, you made MD in private equity! That’s huge! This guy is just a VP. That’s good, but come on, we all know that he and every other VP is gunning for that MD ring.

You need to reinforce the impression that he is lower on the totem pole. You should definitely take a few organic opportunities to assert your seniority, like MattD’s idea of leaving him off some conference calls or meetings with more senior people (at the firm or otherwise) where he isn’t really needed. And make sure you tell him that it was your explicit decision - “I didn’t think you needed to be on.” “We were going to talk about some other things too, I wanted to spare you from that.”

It wouldn’t hurt to be a bit braggy in your next several one on ones with him - I closed this huge deal once, I did this one deal with senior MD/CEO, I’ve done a bunch of deals in [space] and we should make sure _____, etc).

Any young banking/PE VP wants to be in the room where it happens and wants to be near people who have done tons of big deals and who could lead to more big deals done the road. He needs to understand that there are lots of people in his immediate world (inside and outside the firm) that have already recognized you achieving these things, and that you are key to making that happen for him.

Just my two cents as someone who worked with PE folks for many years as an M&A lawyer, and of course had to deal with the the same sorts of personalities in the firms where I worked.
posted by odin53 at 6:07 AM on October 10, 2021 [2 favorites]


I would not necessarily call this being “treated like crap”. He could be an entitled ass, but he could be eager and trying hard. In his previous role, he was likely reinforced for such go getter behavior. So, I think you are defaulting to “I have low confidence” instead acknowledging managing people can involve learning new skills and can vary a lot based on the employee.

For the texts, no matter the content, I would find them annoying and would offer some thing along the lines of a more or less consistent check in time where you can go over his ideas and questions…The presumptuous wording would also bother me, but I wouldn’t address it directly (“stop telling me what we should do”) I’d ignore that and stick to the actionable—“We walked around last week, why do you need to do it again?”

I was a manager for many years, the first thing you have to do is accept people almost certainly will make comments about you behind your back. That is why you get paid the big bucks!

It sounds like you only have this one direct report, and that can be harder than having a plural amount.

There are small ways to establish your dominance, or at the very least, establish you are not a doormat. But that can be hard because things happen in the moment-- so feel free to say-- let me think about that/check on some things get back to you. Ask for updates, follow up on stuff he should be doing, etc. As a new hire, he should be getting a good amount of oversight and feedback from you.

Stay focused on the work and not how tall he is. Don’t be threatened by him—you got where you are for a reason, and you guys wanted a "rock star", this is what that can entail.

Not part of your question, but regarding the feedback about you needing to work on your confidence, that does sound like BS, but only you know. Regardless, the response from you should be "I am very confident in my abilities and think I've done a great job, what specifically do you mean?".

I know a lot of reactions are saying this guy is a sexist jerk, and maybe he is. (I've worked with a few women who were obnoxious in the same way). But you are the one overseeing things, and if he is doing tasks he should not (or whatever), it is your responsibility to address them, regardless of why. The common advice is document everything. Again, stick to the issues and actions, not your feelings.
Good luck
posted by rhonzo at 6:29 AM on October 10, 2021 [2 favorites]


I work in finance on an investment team in a role that involves a lot of development of our juniors. Subtley reinforce the heirarchy and get him to understand that you are the key to understanding the firms philosophy and culture which he will need to internalize in order to succeed. Ultimately if someone is good and you mentored them it reflects really well on you. But yeah. Regularly we get folks coming in (usually dudes) who behave like this. Usually they figure out or someone helps them figure out it's not a route to success. If they don't they aren't a fit. My understanding (which is likely wrong) is that in your business a VP is still a process role whereas an MD is a thinking/selling kind of role. That's a big jump and he should understand that.

Generally speaking talent is scarce enough in this business and turnover even at good stable shops high enough that no one thinks of staffing as a zero sum game.
posted by JPD at 6:53 AM on October 10, 2021


« Older Help me organize my OneNote   |   DIY vinyl floor installation: easy? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.