You're Not My Friend Anymore
September 29, 2021 12:32 PM Subscribe
I unfriended some people on Facebook. I regret it. What would you do in my situation?
I'm not proud of it. I regret it. I was in an unhealthy mental state.
Unfriended #1: Known for about ten years. Very casual friend -- we have gone out as couple two times. Socialized in groups a few times. This person posted something racist about five years ago. I got pissed and unfriended. I can't remember specifically what the post said -- it's something that could have been posted while he was drunk and something that could have been deemed not racist by the poster but I remember it as mean-spirited and racist. I have seen them once since and everything was friendly and cordial.
Unfriended #2: Daughter of racist friend. Said something about pro-spanking and I got triggered. Unfriended.
Unfriended #3. Constant daily brags and humblebrags about children's accomplishments and her accomplishments. We were friends for about five years 15 years ago. We never did any socializing one-on-one. We did a lot of group activities years ago. Loads of current mutual friends. I am not a jealous person but perhaps I was subconsciously jealous of her accomplishments? I honestly unfriended because I thought her posts were obnoxious and way too self-promotional.
Unfriended #4: Unfriended for political reasons in 2016. Posted obnoxious video right after the first Trump election. We were also friends for about five years 15 years ago and never did any one-on-one socializing. Lots of socializing many years ago in groups. Loads of mutual friends. I did see friend #4 in a restaurant three years ago. I went up to her table and said hello and made some conversation. She was polite but not warm.
I know I should have unfollowed instead of unfriending. I can't help to dislike myself for unfriending. It makes me feel fragile, unwise, unloyal and immature. What are your thoughts on trying to re-friend? Should I let it go and use it as a learning experience? Should I say something about the unfriending and apologize? They might not know I unfriended but I think they probably might.
I'm not proud of it. I regret it. I was in an unhealthy mental state.
Unfriended #1: Known for about ten years. Very casual friend -- we have gone out as couple two times. Socialized in groups a few times. This person posted something racist about five years ago. I got pissed and unfriended. I can't remember specifically what the post said -- it's something that could have been posted while he was drunk and something that could have been deemed not racist by the poster but I remember it as mean-spirited and racist. I have seen them once since and everything was friendly and cordial.
Unfriended #2: Daughter of racist friend. Said something about pro-spanking and I got triggered. Unfriended.
Unfriended #3. Constant daily brags and humblebrags about children's accomplishments and her accomplishments. We were friends for about five years 15 years ago. We never did any socializing one-on-one. We did a lot of group activities years ago. Loads of current mutual friends. I am not a jealous person but perhaps I was subconsciously jealous of her accomplishments? I honestly unfriended because I thought her posts were obnoxious and way too self-promotional.
Unfriended #4: Unfriended for political reasons in 2016. Posted obnoxious video right after the first Trump election. We were also friends for about five years 15 years ago and never did any one-on-one socializing. Lots of socializing many years ago in groups. Loads of mutual friends. I did see friend #4 in a restaurant three years ago. I went up to her table and said hello and made some conversation. She was polite but not warm.
I know I should have unfollowed instead of unfriending. I can't help to dislike myself for unfriending. It makes me feel fragile, unwise, unloyal and immature. What are your thoughts on trying to re-friend? Should I let it go and use it as a learning experience? Should I say something about the unfriending and apologize? They might not know I unfriended but I think they probably might.
Nobody cares. Truly. It's unlikely most people even noticed. Facebook spews are firehose of content at its users all hours of every day, you wouldn't notice that someone dropped out of the feed unless you only have like ten friends or you were super close with them. And further, on the small chance they did notice, most people just do not care. Social media is a source of entertainment. So: friend them back if you want, do not address it. Just send a request and move on.
That said: why do you want to keep up on their lives at all? There's no moral prize for following people you can't stand.
posted by phunniemee at 12:39 PM on September 29, 2021 [76 favorites]
That said: why do you want to keep up on their lives at all? There's no moral prize for following people you can't stand.
posted by phunniemee at 12:39 PM on September 29, 2021 [76 favorites]
It sounds like you aren't really friends with any of these people, or at most, that you were friends several years ago. If this is just about you feeling bad or guilty that you unfriended them, let it go. It's ok to not want annoying or racist stuff on your timeline, why would you want that? Facebook is bad enough as it is.
posted by cakelite at 12:40 PM on September 29, 2021 [17 favorites]
posted by cakelite at 12:40 PM on September 29, 2021 [17 favorites]
I put people on 30-day snoozes if they are offensive. After 3 of those in a row, I unfriend them - no regrets.
...It's all made-up internet social graph that only benefits FaceBook anyways....
posted by rozcakj at 12:42 PM on September 29, 2021 [5 favorites]
...It's all made-up internet social graph that only benefits FaceBook anyways....
posted by rozcakj at 12:42 PM on September 29, 2021 [5 favorites]
Honestly, I think you're being very hard on yourself for something (getting annoyed at social media) that's hardly a sin! I must confess to muting scores and scores of real-life friends - people who I love to spend actual in-person time with - on social media because their posts grate so much. It is a weird, artificial platform that encourages myopia and while some people manage to maintain a voice that sounds authentically "them" for a while, I personally think it's impossible to do so over the long run. The algorithm waits for no one.
Bottom line, I don't think there's any remediation needed here on the unfriending, internally or externally. But I do wonder if it's possible you're feeling lonely, or nostalgic, or some other feeling that's driving you to revisit these old friendships. Do you have friends now, even casual ones? If you do, I might focus on reaching out to them. If you feel like your social group could use a bit of filling out, that might be another place to turn this consideration to instead.
posted by superfluousm at 12:46 PM on September 29, 2021 [18 favorites]
Bottom line, I don't think there's any remediation needed here on the unfriending, internally or externally. But I do wonder if it's possible you're feeling lonely, or nostalgic, or some other feeling that's driving you to revisit these old friendships. Do you have friends now, even casual ones? If you do, I might focus on reaching out to them. If you feel like your social group could use a bit of filling out, that might be another place to turn this consideration to instead.
posted by superfluousm at 12:46 PM on September 29, 2021 [18 favorites]
I know I should have unfollowed instead of unfriending.
There's no "should" here. That's certainly how some people would manage this. Others unfriend wantonly. But there aren't rules because this is your own account and you can manage it how you want.
I can tell you how I'd handle this: I think your unfriending examples 1, 2, and 4 are super healthy boundaries to draw. They posted stuff you don't want to see, and things you disagree with strongly, and they aren't people you're actively spending time with, and these aren't relationships you want to work on. Good call! I think the bigger question is why you're still mulling this or thinking about it. Why does this haunt you? Do you worry they are thinking about this and judging you?
With the third situation, that's when I tend to unfollow rather than unfriend, because I know it's often more about me being jealous or irritated rather than us disagreeing. But... it's also okay to unfriend, for any reason at any time!
I have unfriended lots of folks who post racist, sexist, transphobic, homophobic, etc content over the years. I have only stayed connected with one family member whose content I find troubling, and I put them on restricted.
I think it might be good to take a step back and decide what kind of social media presence you want to have. Who do you want to connect with there? What do you want to share, and who do you want to share that with?
posted by bluedaisy at 12:49 PM on September 29, 2021 [11 favorites]
There's no "should" here. That's certainly how some people would manage this. Others unfriend wantonly. But there aren't rules because this is your own account and you can manage it how you want.
I can tell you how I'd handle this: I think your unfriending examples 1, 2, and 4 are super healthy boundaries to draw. They posted stuff you don't want to see, and things you disagree with strongly, and they aren't people you're actively spending time with, and these aren't relationships you want to work on. Good call! I think the bigger question is why you're still mulling this or thinking about it. Why does this haunt you? Do you worry they are thinking about this and judging you?
With the third situation, that's when I tend to unfollow rather than unfriend, because I know it's often more about me being jealous or irritated rather than us disagreeing. But... it's also okay to unfriend, for any reason at any time!
I have unfriended lots of folks who post racist, sexist, transphobic, homophobic, etc content over the years. I have only stayed connected with one family member whose content I find troubling, and I put them on restricted.
I think it might be good to take a step back and decide what kind of social media presence you want to have. Who do you want to connect with there? What do you want to share, and who do you want to share that with?
posted by bluedaisy at 12:49 PM on September 29, 2021 [11 favorites]
I think it's time to address the rumination cycle you're returning to. These are old incidents and yet they're weighing on you. You won't find relief until you dig into why your brain is returning to this stuff. I mean we always say it... but that's what therapy is for.
Though the recent book Chatter is all about breaking these negative self talk spirals and I found it actually super useful. The main technique I'm using these days is to talk to myself like I'm another person when I start beating myself up a lot for things in the past that absolutely do not matter anymore.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:49 PM on September 29, 2021 [15 favorites]
Though the recent book Chatter is all about breaking these negative self talk spirals and I found it actually super useful. The main technique I'm using these days is to talk to myself like I'm another person when I start beating myself up a lot for things in the past that absolutely do not matter anymore.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:49 PM on September 29, 2021 [15 favorites]
I bet you none of these people even noticed you unfriended them and it doesn't seem like there are any real relationships there to be salvaged anyway. Don't feel guilty, don't re-friend and don't apologize. Put that anxious energy into your actual, current, close friendships.
posted by Jess the Mess at 12:52 PM on September 29, 2021 [12 favorites]
posted by Jess the Mess at 12:52 PM on September 29, 2021 [12 favorites]
It seems like you are approaching this as though "unfriended on facebook" means something much much worse than it does, like "declared unworthy of dignity" or "not a person to ever be spoken to in polite company."
It literally just means it's someone you're not connected to on a social media site. I unfriended my MOTHER, but I didn't un-Mother her. She just gets hacked every six minutes and I got tired of getting tagged in the spam. It isn't an official and binding shunning.
It makes me feel fragile, unwise, unloyal and immature.
Again, these seem a bit disproportionate to what is actually happening. If you couldn't bear to be in the same restaurant with Unfriend 4, if you demanded to leave or that they leave...well, that would seem a bit fragile and a bit immature. But unfriending someone on Facebook is not remotely at that level.
All in all it seems like rather than take any specific actions re: these 4 people, you might take a look at the role Facebook is playing in your life and consider whether it's a healthy or desirable one.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:52 PM on September 29, 2021 [18 favorites]
It literally just means it's someone you're not connected to on a social media site. I unfriended my MOTHER, but I didn't un-Mother her. She just gets hacked every six minutes and I got tired of getting tagged in the spam. It isn't an official and binding shunning.
It makes me feel fragile, unwise, unloyal and immature.
Again, these seem a bit disproportionate to what is actually happening. If you couldn't bear to be in the same restaurant with Unfriend 4, if you demanded to leave or that they leave...well, that would seem a bit fragile and a bit immature. But unfriending someone on Facebook is not remotely at that level.
All in all it seems like rather than take any specific actions re: these 4 people, you might take a look at the role Facebook is playing in your life and consider whether it's a healthy or desirable one.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:52 PM on September 29, 2021 [18 favorites]
Recognize that Facebook is coercing you to feel bad by pumping these pseudo-social relationships with their dark patterns.
posted by nickggully at 12:54 PM on September 29, 2021 [55 favorites]
posted by nickggully at 12:54 PM on September 29, 2021 [55 favorites]
Once ever couple of years, I cull a lot of people from my 'Friends' in Facebook. I don't know why they call them 'Friends', because most of them are people I was acquainted with years ago and haven't seen in the flesh in years. They're not people I would make any effort to see even if I was in town. Those people are free to think what they like, if they even noticed that I removed them (which I doubt).
My actual friends know who they are. I'm sure yours do too.
posted by pipeski at 12:58 PM on September 29, 2021 [1 favorite]
My actual friends know who they are. I'm sure yours do too.
posted by pipeski at 12:58 PM on September 29, 2021 [1 favorite]
I'm not sure I answered your bigger question. If I really regretted unfriending folks and wanted to be friends with them again, I'd just send them a friend request. They can accept or reject or ignore, or ask if they're curious.
But really, I'd say ... why do you regret it? Because you want to see these people's feeds? Or because you are worried about how they are perceiving you?
posted by bluedaisy at 1:03 PM on September 29, 2021 [5 favorites]
But really, I'd say ... why do you regret it? Because you want to see these people's feeds? Or because you are worried about how they are perceiving you?
posted by bluedaisy at 1:03 PM on September 29, 2021 [5 favorites]
+1 for the unfriend-anyone-who-annoys-you crowd. I know there are options to snooze, hide, unfollow, etc., but if I'm to that point it's easier for someone like me who isn't a super knowledgable user to just unfriend.
The "friend" phrase is arbitrary and arguable disingenuous - most people's facebook "friends" are people they've had passing encounters in life with but facebooks purposefully designed feedback loop has somehow conviced us we need to call them friends to feel good about it.
I don't like facebook all that much, and I think it has a disproportionately negative impact on most people. Do what makes you happy, not what feeds facebook's algorithms.
posted by _DB_ at 1:11 PM on September 29, 2021 [2 favorites]
The "friend" phrase is arbitrary and arguable disingenuous - most people's facebook "friends" are people they've had passing encounters in life with but facebooks purposefully designed feedback loop has somehow conviced us we need to call them friends to feel good about it.
I don't like facebook all that much, and I think it has a disproportionately negative impact on most people. Do what makes you happy, not what feeds facebook's algorithms.
posted by _DB_ at 1:11 PM on September 29, 2021 [2 favorites]
Personally I quit facebook for reasons like this and others. But if you really want to re-friend them on that platform, just send a message like, "I thought of you today and wanted to see how you were doing!" with a friend request. Blame it on having done a general purge a while back if anyone asks (which you did: of people who were making your life less pleasant), but I bet nobody does.
posted by teremala at 1:14 PM on September 29, 2021 [7 favorites]
posted by teremala at 1:14 PM on September 29, 2021 [7 favorites]
These are all totally valid reasons to unfriend someone. Please stop beating yourself up for this! I have unfriended people for similar reasons and scrolling through my feed is so much more pleasant without having to see "blue lives matter" "Trump is a hero" "in my day my dad used to backhand me if I whined, fuck these millennials" "hey hey hey buy my [essential oils/LulaRoe leggings] please please please" "today is my child's 278th day on earth here's a chalkboard with what he is interested in today!"
If people like posting that stuff, that's fine. It stressed me out to read it so I unfriended them. That's fine too. For real.
posted by nayantara at 1:22 PM on September 29, 2021 [4 favorites]
If people like posting that stuff, that's fine. It stressed me out to read it so I unfriended them. That's fine too. For real.
posted by nayantara at 1:22 PM on September 29, 2021 [4 favorites]
I'd delete your Facebook account.
I actually did quit facebook years ago after going through a similar situation where I unfriended some toxic former coworkers. I realized it was going to be awkward because I was still mutual friends with some other coworkers, and we were being invited to/tagged in the same posts/events, and all of the people involved were Very Online. I quit and... voila, no more stress. Once in a blue moon I'll wish I could go on a schadenfreude-induced snooping spree, and feel mildly left out, but on the whole I would recommend quitting 100%.
posted by rogerroger at 1:23 PM on September 29, 2021 [4 favorites]
I actually did quit facebook years ago after going through a similar situation where I unfriended some toxic former coworkers. I realized it was going to be awkward because I was still mutual friends with some other coworkers, and we were being invited to/tagged in the same posts/events, and all of the people involved were Very Online. I quit and... voila, no more stress. Once in a blue moon I'll wish I could go on a schadenfreude-induced snooping spree, and feel mildly left out, but on the whole I would recommend quitting 100%.
posted by rogerroger at 1:23 PM on September 29, 2021 [4 favorites]
Definitely stop using Facebook, for reasons others have said. If you want to be connected with these people, just add them back. It’s not important enough either way to require an explanation or reconciliation.
posted by michaelh at 1:25 PM on September 29, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by michaelh at 1:25 PM on September 29, 2021 [1 favorite]
If you want to add them back, just do it. There's a lot more to this post that other people are addressing, but assuming you want to be friends with these people on Facebook again, just re-friend them. Here's the thing: if they make a big stink about you unfriending them in the first place, that's a sign that maybe you shouldn't be friends with them. And if they're cool with it and accept your friend request without being weird, that's also a sign that maybe re-friending isn't a bad move.
posted by kevinbelt at 1:26 PM on September 29, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by kevinbelt at 1:26 PM on September 29, 2021 [2 favorites]
I'm not proud of it. I regret it. I was in an unhealthy mental state.
I hope you can find a way to be kinder to yourself. This is definitely not something to beat yourself up over.
I am not you and can't judge your mental state, but i believe unfriending people on social media that are causing you stress is at the least self protective and usually healthy choice. I feel like being able to go to your own social media and not want to throttle the people that pop up on your feed is a reasonable thing to want, whatever you have to do to get there.
If you want to friend them back, do it. If you don't miss them and only feel bad because you feel it wasn't a nice thing to do, don't sweat it.
posted by domino at 1:36 PM on September 29, 2021 [6 favorites]
I hope you can find a way to be kinder to yourself. This is definitely not something to beat yourself up over.
I am not you and can't judge your mental state, but i believe unfriending people on social media that are causing you stress is at the least self protective and usually healthy choice. I feel like being able to go to your own social media and not want to throttle the people that pop up on your feed is a reasonable thing to want, whatever you have to do to get there.
If you want to friend them back, do it. If you don't miss them and only feel bad because you feel it wasn't a nice thing to do, don't sweat it.
posted by domino at 1:36 PM on September 29, 2021 [6 favorites]
Oh my goodness, please get off fakebook. Would you hang out with some one who makes you feel fragile and immature?
There is a way to shut down without completely deleting your profile. And can't you just send a new friend request and re-friend that way? ("Whoops, I deleted you by accident!").
That you are regretting bullshit social media connections is tragic to me, but I'm old.
posted by rhonzo at 2:14 PM on September 29, 2021 [6 favorites]
There is a way to shut down without completely deleting your profile. And can't you just send a new friend request and re-friend that way? ("Whoops, I deleted you by accident!").
That you are regretting bullshit social media connections is tragic to me, but I'm old.
posted by rhonzo at 2:14 PM on September 29, 2021 [6 favorites]
Sounds like you made the correct decision in every case. Give yourself a pass and move on.
posted by Hey, Zeus! at 2:34 PM on September 29, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by Hey, Zeus! at 2:34 PM on September 29, 2021 [1 favorite]
Not on FB. Never was and never will. The issue is not you un-friending these people. The issue is your caring about it. I am very sure they don't care. Why do you?
posted by AugustWest at 2:48 PM on September 29, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by AugustWest at 2:48 PM on September 29, 2021 [4 favorites]
Just as a datapoint: I unfriend people on facebook that *I'm actually friends with IRL*. Just because they post so much about $XYZ or they can't help fighting with people on my own page (even when I agree with them) or whatever. People don't care.
posted by gaspode at 2:54 PM on September 29, 2021 [6 favorites]
posted by gaspode at 2:54 PM on September 29, 2021 [6 favorites]
I mean, I have certainly noticed that people have unfriended me on Facebook and I... Basically didn't think twice about it? Normally it's people I've known in a certain time and place and I figure they've just moved on. But it could be for whatever reason - whether they didn't like something I posted, or we had some interaction that made them unhappy - as the person on the receiving end, I think these are all fine boundaries to draw.
Obviously I don't know you or your acquaintances or how they might have reacted. I just want you to know that you haven't committed some major social sin, much less been immature or unloyal (has someone described you as this after you created some boundaries?). This is some weird modern life dilemma created by a website that is full of noise, not an ethical failing. I'm trying to think of an analogy - it's certainly not like being insulted to your face or blanked in the street, more like... not getting a Christmas card from someone (sorry for the Christian-centric and kind of old school analogy here!). Facebook celebrates weak ties, it's not a way of conferring social personhood.
This is a little embarrassing but if someone re-friended me (not saying you SHOULD do this, just fyi) I might even assume being unfriended was a technical glitch and accept them again. But either way my reaction is just like "huh" - I'm not losing sleep over it or thinking they've insulted me. I certainly would not expect an apology or explanation.
posted by the cat's pyjamas at 3:39 PM on September 29, 2021 [4 favorites]
Obviously I don't know you or your acquaintances or how they might have reacted. I just want you to know that you haven't committed some major social sin, much less been immature or unloyal (has someone described you as this after you created some boundaries?). This is some weird modern life dilemma created by a website that is full of noise, not an ethical failing. I'm trying to think of an analogy - it's certainly not like being insulted to your face or blanked in the street, more like... not getting a Christmas card from someone (sorry for the Christian-centric and kind of old school analogy here!). Facebook celebrates weak ties, it's not a way of conferring social personhood.
This is a little embarrassing but if someone re-friended me (not saying you SHOULD do this, just fyi) I might even assume being unfriended was a technical glitch and accept them again. But either way my reaction is just like "huh" - I'm not losing sleep over it or thinking they've insulted me. I certainly would not expect an apology or explanation.
posted by the cat's pyjamas at 3:39 PM on September 29, 2021 [4 favorites]
These are all EXCELLENT reasons to unfriend people. “Friends on Facebook” is not actually the neutral state of being; it’s a select state of being. I unfriend people almost every day — on their birthdays! — for reasons as minor as “I just truly don’t care what that person is up to anymore” and “that’s enough wedding photos for me personally.” You’re being really tough on yourself, and someone who carries a strange grudge about being unfriended on Facebook is not someone to ever lose a second of sleep over.
posted by Charity Garfein at 4:41 PM on September 29, 2021 [6 favorites]
posted by Charity Garfein at 4:41 PM on September 29, 2021 [6 favorites]
I'm an early enough adopter of social media that sociology grad students call me up to interview me about the history of weblogs (get off my lawn). One of the things I remember from that early era was an un-convention down at... was it Stanford?... somewhere on the SF peninsula... where one of the questions was "what do you do about content that friends don't want to read?", and my answer was "friends who don't want to see me naked at Burning Man can choose to not read my blog". And many of them didn't. I have plenty of friends in real life ("IRL", as the kids said back then) who don't read my blog, many of whom don't have Facebook presences, or with whom I don't interact on Facebook.
As others have noted, Facebook's use of "Friend" is them hacking your sense of social compulsion. You chose to unfollow these people. Facebook calls it "unfriend" in order to guilt you into maintaining relationships that are unhealthy for you. Facebook is abusive.
And, yeah all of those things you listed are completely valid reasons to unfollow/un-Facebook-friend people over. There are tons of other people in the world, associate, both virtually and IRL, with those who enrich your life. Un-friend/follow the other ones.
posted by straw at 5:10 PM on September 29, 2021 [5 favorites]
As others have noted, Facebook's use of "Friend" is them hacking your sense of social compulsion. You chose to unfollow these people. Facebook calls it "unfriend" in order to guilt you into maintaining relationships that are unhealthy for you. Facebook is abusive.
And, yeah all of those things you listed are completely valid reasons to unfollow/un-Facebook-friend people over. There are tons of other people in the world, associate, both virtually and IRL, with those who enrich your life. Un-friend/follow the other ones.
posted by straw at 5:10 PM on September 29, 2021 [5 favorites]
It sounds to me like you were never very close to any of these people in the first place. So I am here to tell you that what you did was perfectly acceptable, and you should not think of it as some personal failing. They probably didn't even notice the unfriending, maybe unless you had frequently engaged with their posts.
Since it does not sound like you are friends with them outside of Facebook, I would not bother re-friending them at this point. If you run into them in real life, be as pleasant as you want to be, but I wouldn't mention Facebook then either.
posted by bananana at 5:53 PM on September 29, 2021 [2 favorites]
Since it does not sound like you are friends with them outside of Facebook, I would not bother re-friending them at this point. If you run into them in real life, be as pleasant as you want to be, but I wouldn't mention Facebook then either.
posted by bananana at 5:53 PM on September 29, 2021 [2 favorites]
Dear God, why on earth would you want to be friends with those horrible people? I would feel bad for friending them, not unfriending them.
posted by Violet Hour at 9:08 PM on September 29, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by Violet Hour at 9:08 PM on September 29, 2021 [2 favorites]
I’ve come to the conclusion that the medium is obnoxious not always the people. This actually came about from WhatsApp when there was a range of behaviours on there that were driving me crazy. (Nothing egregious just Intrusive alerts at all hours, wanting to talk while I’m at work, too many selfies clogging up memory, inane conversations, venting random pandemic frustration of day, too many hot take Zealandsplaining links to The Guardian) It was getting in the way of how I felt about people I care about very much.
Seeing people in person was a whole different ball game. I remembered all their qualities and how much I liked them. It then occurred to me that the medium brings out the worst in people or takes the annoying and amplifies it. I now regard WhatsApp as WhatsApp and any annoyance is a product of the way the system itself is designed.
Not on Facebook, left years ago because it took too much time and wasn’t any fun. Still on Twitter but am happy to unfollow people, even close friends, once the application ramps up the nox factor. That’s not who they are it’s who they present and who the app presents and amplifies for its own self fulfilling purpose.
So no I don’t think it’s a big deal to unfriend. These people’s feeds sound genuinely annoying and why clutter your life with that? Your emotions are manipulated to a ridiculous degree on these apps. I don’t think you can take it as a reflection of who you are as a friend. I’d leave it as is and not feel guilty about it.
posted by BAKERSFIELD! at 11:13 PM on September 29, 2021
Seeing people in person was a whole different ball game. I remembered all their qualities and how much I liked them. It then occurred to me that the medium brings out the worst in people or takes the annoying and amplifies it. I now regard WhatsApp as WhatsApp and any annoyance is a product of the way the system itself is designed.
Not on Facebook, left years ago because it took too much time and wasn’t any fun. Still on Twitter but am happy to unfollow people, even close friends, once the application ramps up the nox factor. That’s not who they are it’s who they present and who the app presents and amplifies for its own self fulfilling purpose.
So no I don’t think it’s a big deal to unfriend. These people’s feeds sound genuinely annoying and why clutter your life with that? Your emotions are manipulated to a ridiculous degree on these apps. I don’t think you can take it as a reflection of who you are as a friend. I’d leave it as is and not feel guilty about it.
posted by BAKERSFIELD! at 11:13 PM on September 29, 2021
What would you do in my situation?
Well, since you asked: I'd take a long hard look at the way Facebook has been deliberately designed to fuck with mental health, decide that any benefit I was getting from continuing to interact with it was clearly not worth the cost, and close my Facebook account.
But perhaps that's just me.
posted by flabdablet at 1:36 AM on September 30, 2021 [4 favorites]
Well, since you asked: I'd take a long hard look at the way Facebook has been deliberately designed to fuck with mental health, decide that any benefit I was getting from continuing to interact with it was clearly not worth the cost, and close my Facebook account.
But perhaps that's just me.
posted by flabdablet at 1:36 AM on September 30, 2021 [4 favorites]
I rarely use Facebook but you have reminded me that I keep meaning to unfriend some people on Instagram who I was friends with a few years ago but haven’t seen since.
Don’t feel bad about it. It’s your feed of updates that you’re “curating”. No one else gets a say about what should be in it.
posted by fabius at 5:22 AM on September 30, 2021
Don’t feel bad about it. It’s your feed of updates that you’re “curating”. No one else gets a say about what should be in it.
posted by fabius at 5:22 AM on September 30, 2021
You did nothing wrong!
If you do want to "re-friend" these people on Facebook, it almost certainly will not occur to them that you "un-friended" them for any actual reason. If they had even noticed or taken it as a grave insult (which would be very weird) they could have addressed it before if they actually cared and the situation certainly wouldn't be made worse by you clicking "add friend" again. I don't know why you would want to see these people's posts given the content you described, but if you do, just send a friend request, no explanation needed.
If I were in their shoes, I would assume that you had probably deleted your account at some point and were adding people now that you started a new one, or that maybe you had reduced your friend list to only a few people at one point and then decided to expand it again. (Again, if they even remember at this point that you were Facebook friends years ago in the first place.)
posted by Bluebird Wine at 5:50 AM on September 30, 2021
If you do want to "re-friend" these people on Facebook, it almost certainly will not occur to them that you "un-friended" them for any actual reason. If they had even noticed or taken it as a grave insult (which would be very weird) they could have addressed it before if they actually cared and the situation certainly wouldn't be made worse by you clicking "add friend" again. I don't know why you would want to see these people's posts given the content you described, but if you do, just send a friend request, no explanation needed.
If I were in their shoes, I would assume that you had probably deleted your account at some point and were adding people now that you started a new one, or that maybe you had reduced your friend list to only a few people at one point and then decided to expand it again. (Again, if they even remember at this point that you were Facebook friends years ago in the first place.)
posted by Bluebird Wine at 5:50 AM on September 30, 2021
If these feelings are being brought about by seeing them on mutual friend’s posts - block them! It’s causing you consternation, and I don’t see anything above that leads me to believe you actually want to know these people. So just keep that sore spot from getting poked by going one step further and blocking them.
If there’s some reason you actually want to know them for some reason- like you ACTUALLY miss their presence, not that you feel guilt - just send a friend’s request. If it ever comes up, you can just say “oh yeah, I had Big Mood and just decimated my friends list and now I’m rebuilding it, missed you!”
But seriously, it sounds like you are caught in a guilt/shame place that you don’t need to resolve by letting people you don’t like into your life. Block so you don’t have to see them commenting.
posted by Bottlecap at 8:35 AM on September 30, 2021
If there’s some reason you actually want to know them for some reason- like you ACTUALLY miss their presence, not that you feel guilt - just send a friend’s request. If it ever comes up, you can just say “oh yeah, I had Big Mood and just decimated my friends list and now I’m rebuilding it, missed you!”
But seriously, it sounds like you are caught in a guilt/shame place that you don’t need to resolve by letting people you don’t like into your life. Block so you don’t have to see them commenting.
posted by Bottlecap at 8:35 AM on September 30, 2021
I agree that you did nothing wrong by unfriending these people, but also that if you want to re-friend them for whatever reason, they will probably not bat an eye. Every so often, I notice that somebody has unfriended me and, like other commenters, don't think anything of it.
I'm one of those people who uses Facebook primarily as a contact list, though, and I know that others are much more emotionally invested in these things. In general, I have found that unfollowing/muting, plus putting people on a restricted profile if I don't want inappropriate comments on my own posts, accomplishes the same thing as unfriending with even less chance of drama.
posted by rpfields at 12:58 PM on September 30, 2021
I'm one of those people who uses Facebook primarily as a contact list, though, and I know that others are much more emotionally invested in these things. In general, I have found that unfollowing/muting, plus putting people on a restricted profile if I don't want inappropriate comments on my own posts, accomplishes the same thing as unfriending with even less chance of drama.
posted by rpfields at 12:58 PM on September 30, 2021
I quit Facebook when I started to stress about the block/unfriend decision, and realized I could start from scratch when I was ready. I still haven't rejoined.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 8:53 PM on September 30, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 8:53 PM on September 30, 2021 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
It sounds like the only real-world change has been that someone you were friends with 15 years ago wasn't warm to you? Because I'm not even sure how you can be sure that has a 1-to-1 correlation with your unfriending them.
This is a lot of perseverating on things that sound like they, themselves, happened years ago, to friendships that haven't actually been current for ~15 years. Why do you think that this is something important to focus on, and why do you think it makes you feel like you do? Because I don't think you're feeling particularly normatively about unfriending people, and figuring out why that is should probably be your priority.
posted by sagc at 12:38 PM on September 29, 2021 [80 favorites]