Coping with Emotional Betrayal
September 27, 2021 4:56 AM Subscribe
I recently went through a traumatic situation and my husband's reaction was really confusing and painful. I'm not sure how to process my feelings or how to move forward (TW: suicide)
I am a cis-female in my 30s, married for about a year to a cis-male in his 40s.
I've been struggling with depression and suicidal ideations for months and it has been a burden on my partner. He's very neat and tidy and I'm already naturally a bit of a mess, but depression makes it worse. I would say that this is just my depressed brain talking, but I suspect my partner feels this too.
A few weeks ago, at a completely low point, I attempted suicide. It was obviously unsuccessful. I thought I was home alone, but a few minutes after, when I realized my partner was home at the time, I had to make the decision: Do I tell him what happened, or do I just go about my day?
I struggled with this, because I was afraid his reaction would make things worse. But I took a leap of faith and decided to trust him. I tearfully explained that I had just tried to hang myself and that I was not doing okay.
He just looked at me without emotion and said "Do you need me to take you somewhere to get help?", really nonchalantly, as if I'd asked him to pick up milk from the grocery store. I was kind of stunned by his reaction, so I just said "No" and left the room, and we didn't talk for the rest of the day. Later in the week, I explained how hurtful his reaction had been, and he said "I didn't know what to do. I don't know what do to with you".
He claims he loves me, but when I ask him why he loves me, he has no answer. He says it's a ridiculous question. That doesn't feel like love to me. If a perfect stranger came up to me and said "I just tried to kill myself and I'm hurting", I'd at least give them a hug and say "I'm glad you didn't die. I'm sorry you're hurting. Is there anything I can do for you?"
Being around my husband feels like a big ball of pain and betrayal. I share a small house with someone who, in my mind, basically doesn't care if I live or die. I keep having these visions of my dead body lying somewhere and him being more concerned about the mess or if my bill auto-pay will still function after my death.
I think I deserve better, but I also know that I haven't been a good enough wife/partner. As much as I feel he's neglected my emotional needs, I feel I've neglected his too. But not because I want to, it's just because I'm fighting my own demons inside my head.
I'm in therapy and have discussed this with my therapist, but all of her advice is "leave your husband and tell your brain to stop being mean to yourself", without helping me navigate the complicated emotions in between.
I don't know if it's worth trying to mend this relationship, or cutting my losses. But in the meantime, how do I deal with the pain of living with someone who basically doesn't care if I die? Or, if that is an incorrect interpretation, how do I convince my brain otherwise?
I am a cis-female in my 30s, married for about a year to a cis-male in his 40s.
I've been struggling with depression and suicidal ideations for months and it has been a burden on my partner. He's very neat and tidy and I'm already naturally a bit of a mess, but depression makes it worse. I would say that this is just my depressed brain talking, but I suspect my partner feels this too.
A few weeks ago, at a completely low point, I attempted suicide. It was obviously unsuccessful. I thought I was home alone, but a few minutes after, when I realized my partner was home at the time, I had to make the decision: Do I tell him what happened, or do I just go about my day?
I struggled with this, because I was afraid his reaction would make things worse. But I took a leap of faith and decided to trust him. I tearfully explained that I had just tried to hang myself and that I was not doing okay.
He just looked at me without emotion and said "Do you need me to take you somewhere to get help?", really nonchalantly, as if I'd asked him to pick up milk from the grocery store. I was kind of stunned by his reaction, so I just said "No" and left the room, and we didn't talk for the rest of the day. Later in the week, I explained how hurtful his reaction had been, and he said "I didn't know what to do. I don't know what do to with you".
He claims he loves me, but when I ask him why he loves me, he has no answer. He says it's a ridiculous question. That doesn't feel like love to me. If a perfect stranger came up to me and said "I just tried to kill myself and I'm hurting", I'd at least give them a hug and say "I'm glad you didn't die. I'm sorry you're hurting. Is there anything I can do for you?"
Being around my husband feels like a big ball of pain and betrayal. I share a small house with someone who, in my mind, basically doesn't care if I live or die. I keep having these visions of my dead body lying somewhere and him being more concerned about the mess or if my bill auto-pay will still function after my death.
I think I deserve better, but I also know that I haven't been a good enough wife/partner. As much as I feel he's neglected my emotional needs, I feel I've neglected his too. But not because I want to, it's just because I'm fighting my own demons inside my head.
I'm in therapy and have discussed this with my therapist, but all of her advice is "leave your husband and tell your brain to stop being mean to yourself", without helping me navigate the complicated emotions in between.
I don't know if it's worth trying to mend this relationship, or cutting my losses. But in the meantime, how do I deal with the pain of living with someone who basically doesn't care if I die? Or, if that is an incorrect interpretation, how do I convince my brain otherwise?
This post was deleted for the following reason: I'm sorry, we don't allow questions involving suicide suicide. Reaching out to OP separately. -- loup
You deserve better, and you don’t have to be perfect to be true. You definitely shouldn’t stay in the wrong relationship out of guilt!
Also I’m so glad you’re still alive, and I hope you get help that’s really supportive and meaningful ❤️
posted by spindrifter at 5:22 AM on September 27, 2021 [1 favorite]
Also I’m so glad you’re still alive, and I hope you get help that’s really supportive and meaningful ❤️
posted by spindrifter at 5:22 AM on September 27, 2021 [1 favorite]
I agree with the encouragement to seek counseling together. Respectfully, you're expressing expectations about appropriate reactions and drawing uncertain conclusions from how those reactions make you feel. It's a well-trod path, this situation that sees peoples' expectations quietly leading to frustrations. If you think your partner doesn't care if you live or die, but you're not confident in your interpretation of the situation, it may be worth clearing that up with the help of a professional in the room with you both.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 5:24 AM on September 27, 2021 [25 favorites]
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 5:24 AM on September 27, 2021 [25 favorites]
I'm glad you're still here. You seem convinced that your husband doesn't care if you live or die, but I'd gently suggest that might not be the case. He could be just very shocked by what happened and perhaps he is just telling you the truth when he says he didn't know what to do or say. That doesn't mean you have to find his reaction helpful.
posted by altolinguistic at 5:25 AM on September 27, 2021 [65 favorites]
posted by altolinguistic at 5:25 AM on September 27, 2021 [65 favorites]
I'm glad you are alive and I am so sorry you are struggling. Depression will tell you that the people who love you don't actually love you. Your husband's reaction was not helpful to you, but it's entirely possible he froze up and was terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing because he does love you and doesn't want to hurt you further. I'm not saying this is the case - maybe he's a jerk! - but while you are depressed, your ability to read relationships may be impaired and it will be hard to make an accurate assessment of where your marriage is.
I am a little surprised that your therapist's stance has been to encourage you to leave him and "tell your brain to stop being mean to yourself" - that is really not helpful, especially if that was her reaction after your suicide attempt. Have you considered looking for a different therapist?
(You mention you've been married about a year - as someone in a similar boat, this has been a truly awful year to be newlyweds. I'm mentioning that just in case you're feeling the absence of fluttery honeymoon-y energy and it's contributing to the feeling that your husband doesn't love you. It's not you, it's everything else.)
posted by superfluousm at 5:48 AM on September 27, 2021 [12 favorites]
I am a little surprised that your therapist's stance has been to encourage you to leave him and "tell your brain to stop being mean to yourself" - that is really not helpful, especially if that was her reaction after your suicide attempt. Have you considered looking for a different therapist?
(You mention you've been married about a year - as someone in a similar boat, this has been a truly awful year to be newlyweds. I'm mentioning that just in case you're feeling the absence of fluttery honeymoon-y energy and it's contributing to the feeling that your husband doesn't love you. It's not you, it's everything else.)
posted by superfluousm at 5:48 AM on September 27, 2021 [12 favorites]
I’m also very glad you’re still here and so sorry for the pain you’re going through. I just want to say that I think this is more common than we realise. I know of a couple of examples of people who, presented with the emotional/mental health difficulties of people they lived with, either could literally not say a word, or treated it as a logistical/tidiness issue. One male, one female, in fact, so it’s not necessarily even a “men can’t talk about their feelings” issue.
Which is just to offer a little branch of hope to you, that your husband’s apparent coldness is not necessarily a sign that he is emotionally indifferent. He may just have no part of his brain that knows how to respond externally to this. That might mean that you need to not be with him, or it might mean that with some hand-holding from a couples therapist, he could learn how to express himself emotionally and how to support you. It’s up to you which you choose, but trying the counselling first seems like a good idea.
All the best to you both.
posted by penguin pie at 5:58 AM on September 27, 2021 [8 favorites]
Which is just to offer a little branch of hope to you, that your husband’s apparent coldness is not necessarily a sign that he is emotionally indifferent. He may just have no part of his brain that knows how to respond externally to this. That might mean that you need to not be with him, or it might mean that with some hand-holding from a couples therapist, he could learn how to express himself emotionally and how to support you. It’s up to you which you choose, but trying the counselling first seems like a good idea.
All the best to you both.
posted by penguin pie at 5:58 AM on September 27, 2021 [8 favorites]
This may be entirely the wrong tack, but as someone who doesn’t have any training in mental health, I have dealt with other people’s mental health crises in a manner similar to your husband. I keep my own emotions very much to myself, offer the basic self-care (cleaning, food) they may not be in a place to provide themselves, and encourage them to address the stuff I’m not trained to provide with a mental health professional. I let them take the lead in stating their needs. To tell them my own feelings in that moment would feel criminally self-centered. If the other party expressed a need for any particular emotional support, I’d provide it, but my response to a crisis is to slam down on the emergency emotional off-switch button, and in my experience it takes at least a week or two for my feelings to come online again after the crisis has passed. I do that because I love the person in crisis and want them to spend every cent of emotional labor on themselves.
I am in no way saying that my response is right or wrong, or that being married to someone like me might not be an irreconcilable incompatibility for you. But I am saying that there may be a wide gulf between what the two of you are experiencing. Therapy as a couple may help.
posted by tchemgrrl at 6:16 AM on September 27, 2021 [34 favorites]
I am in no way saying that my response is right or wrong, or that being married to someone like me might not be an irreconcilable incompatibility for you. But I am saying that there may be a wide gulf between what the two of you are experiencing. Therapy as a couple may help.
posted by tchemgrrl at 6:16 AM on September 27, 2021 [34 favorites]
Someone just tried to murder his wife, and probably one of his reactions to that fury. Only thing is, the person who tried to murder his wife is not an intruder that he can leap at and try to strangle and drag out of the house. The person who tried to murder his wife is you. So they guy has a beautiful roil of mixed feelings. He may have three primary emotional states going on. One is his affection and fear for you, where he wants to support and protect you, one is his fury and fear which he may not even recognized because it would be so wrong to be mad at you when you are hurting, and one is his feelings of loss and hurt, because to his inner child you love him so little that you just told him you almost just left him.
But fury is totally not an acceptable reaction. And bursting into tears and demanding that you look after his emotional needs is not acceptable, not when you are so burdened yourself. And listening and being sympathetic and supportive is clearly not working, since you have moved from depression to an active suicide attempt. So the guy is paralyzed. It is more than likely he has not thought out the different strains of strong emotion he is experiencing. Chances are he is simply paralyzed because nothing feels like a safe way to react.
Bottom line: He is not a trained therapist with a safe zone to retreat to himself when he gets overloaded. He can't do this for you. You have suicidal depression. He can't treat your suicidal depression by baking you cookies. You may crave gestures of support and connect from him, you may feel like you desperately need them, but he's not going to drag you out of the pit by responding in exactly the way you want. He's not magic. He can't save you with his love, anymore than he could save you with his love if you had cancer, or an unstable heart murmur.
If you want to live you have to find the best path forward inside yourself. You have to choose to live with or without him, despite him, or no matter what he does. Trying to get him to rescue you isn't going to work. Moreover just as the other reasons for living in your life are not working - the taste of cookies is no longer enough reason to live, your art, your own beautiful soft animal body and its sensations is somehow right now not enough reason to live, your hope for the future, any chances and growth you might have, none of those things right now are giving you enough reason to live and keeping you from depression and suicidal urges - his hug and his affirming eyes will not be enough reason to life either. The depression has blunted you ability to appreciate everything else that provides you with motivation and purpose - it is also blunting your ability to perceive his love and affection. The depression is telling you he doesn't love you. It doesn't matter what HE does, the depression will keep telling you he doesn't love you, because depression stops you from feeling loved.
Even if he figures out how to do exactly what you need for emotional support it will not be enough. Depression and suicidal feeling cannot be cured by a hug, by someone crying with you. The most they can be is briefly alleviated. Thousands of people have struggled to save someone they love from suicide and failed. Leaning on him is nothing but an uncertain crutch, only a possible one of the many tools you need to employ to work yourself out the suicidal depression.
Please, take your depression and your impulsive despair seriously and don't ask a bewildered lay person to come up with magic words to fix it. When you are bleeding from an artery you don't call a friend, you call an ambulance. When you need tutoring in mathematics you don't call your best girlfriend who never mastered algebra. When you want to get to Europe you don't hop on a bicycle and pedal into the ocean. Don't ask your husband to be your savior. Cherish yourself enough to treat your suicidal feelings seriously and get real help.
posted by Jane the Brown at 6:24 AM on September 27, 2021 [149 favorites]
But fury is totally not an acceptable reaction. And bursting into tears and demanding that you look after his emotional needs is not acceptable, not when you are so burdened yourself. And listening and being sympathetic and supportive is clearly not working, since you have moved from depression to an active suicide attempt. So the guy is paralyzed. It is more than likely he has not thought out the different strains of strong emotion he is experiencing. Chances are he is simply paralyzed because nothing feels like a safe way to react.
Bottom line: He is not a trained therapist with a safe zone to retreat to himself when he gets overloaded. He can't do this for you. You have suicidal depression. He can't treat your suicidal depression by baking you cookies. You may crave gestures of support and connect from him, you may feel like you desperately need them, but he's not going to drag you out of the pit by responding in exactly the way you want. He's not magic. He can't save you with his love, anymore than he could save you with his love if you had cancer, or an unstable heart murmur.
If you want to live you have to find the best path forward inside yourself. You have to choose to live with or without him, despite him, or no matter what he does. Trying to get him to rescue you isn't going to work. Moreover just as the other reasons for living in your life are not working - the taste of cookies is no longer enough reason to live, your art, your own beautiful soft animal body and its sensations is somehow right now not enough reason to live, your hope for the future, any chances and growth you might have, none of those things right now are giving you enough reason to live and keeping you from depression and suicidal urges - his hug and his affirming eyes will not be enough reason to life either. The depression has blunted you ability to appreciate everything else that provides you with motivation and purpose - it is also blunting your ability to perceive his love and affection. The depression is telling you he doesn't love you. It doesn't matter what HE does, the depression will keep telling you he doesn't love you, because depression stops you from feeling loved.
Even if he figures out how to do exactly what you need for emotional support it will not be enough. Depression and suicidal feeling cannot be cured by a hug, by someone crying with you. The most they can be is briefly alleviated. Thousands of people have struggled to save someone they love from suicide and failed. Leaning on him is nothing but an uncertain crutch, only a possible one of the many tools you need to employ to work yourself out the suicidal depression.
Please, take your depression and your impulsive despair seriously and don't ask a bewildered lay person to come up with magic words to fix it. When you are bleeding from an artery you don't call a friend, you call an ambulance. When you need tutoring in mathematics you don't call your best girlfriend who never mastered algebra. When you want to get to Europe you don't hop on a bicycle and pedal into the ocean. Don't ask your husband to be your savior. Cherish yourself enough to treat your suicidal feelings seriously and get real help.
posted by Jane the Brown at 6:24 AM on September 27, 2021 [149 favorites]
My partner is a therapist, I've worked with a few therapists. It's unusual in my experience for a therapist to give advice directly like that. Something to consider.
Right now I'd agree that your depression is going to make it really, really hard to evaluate relationships. You also seem to be in a feedback loop of depression -> not feeling adequate -> feeds depression -> hard to feel like you're being a good partner -> more depression.
Your husband's reaction is not great. Agree - he probably doesn't know how to react / doesn't have the tools to be helpful here. But... it's on the very, very "cold" side of "holy crap, I don't know what to do, how do I respond to this?"
It's probably true that if you have been suffering depression for a while that your husband may be tapped out, emotionally. Even so, I'd have expected a little more empathy.
An important thing here is "that doesn't feel like love to me." Whether your husband does or doesn't love you, if you don't feel it then you're not getting your needs met.
It could be, due to depression, nothing is going to feel like love to you right now. But you clearly need more than what's being provided.
Do you have any family or friends you could stay with for while to get the emotional support you need?
posted by jzb at 6:29 AM on September 27, 2021 [9 favorites]
Right now I'd agree that your depression is going to make it really, really hard to evaluate relationships. You also seem to be in a feedback loop of depression -> not feeling adequate -> feeds depression -> hard to feel like you're being a good partner -> more depression.
Your husband's reaction is not great. Agree - he probably doesn't know how to react / doesn't have the tools to be helpful here. But... it's on the very, very "cold" side of "holy crap, I don't know what to do, how do I respond to this?"
It's probably true that if you have been suffering depression for a while that your husband may be tapped out, emotionally. Even so, I'd have expected a little more empathy.
An important thing here is "that doesn't feel like love to me." Whether your husband does or doesn't love you, if you don't feel it then you're not getting your needs met.
It could be, due to depression, nothing is going to feel like love to you right now. But you clearly need more than what's being provided.
Do you have any family or friends you could stay with for while to get the emotional support you need?
posted by jzb at 6:29 AM on September 27, 2021 [9 favorites]
You are in a very serious and dangerous situation since you have attempted to harm yourself recently. If you are considering harming yourself again at any time, please get help immediately! That can be going to a hospital if need be.
I suggest a new therapist who specializes in depression. Your current therapist is not helping you. You may want to talk to a psychiatrist about medication, or join a specialized group for depression.
The biggest take away I hope you have from these answers is that I hope you take the severity of your mental health very seriously. It is the most important thing right now! Your relationship impacts your mental health and of course how your partner reacts to your mental health is also important, but consider shifting your focus from your partner to your own well being. Frame this question - how to interact with your partner - in terms of what is best for your mental well being right now because you are in crisis.
posted by latkes at 6:30 AM on September 27, 2021 [24 favorites]
I suggest a new therapist who specializes in depression. Your current therapist is not helping you. You may want to talk to a psychiatrist about medication, or join a specialized group for depression.
The biggest take away I hope you have from these answers is that I hope you take the severity of your mental health very seriously. It is the most important thing right now! Your relationship impacts your mental health and of course how your partner reacts to your mental health is also important, but consider shifting your focus from your partner to your own well being. Frame this question - how to interact with your partner - in terms of what is best for your mental well being right now because you are in crisis.
posted by latkes at 6:30 AM on September 27, 2021 [24 favorites]
I'm so sorry you're hurting. So glad you're still here and talking about it.
I just want to echo this from penguin pie: He may just have no part of his brain that knows how to respond externally to this. That might mean that you need to not be with him, or it might mean that with some hand-holding from a couples therapist, he could learn how to express himself emotionally and how to support you.
It's up to you if you want to do the work to get past it. Most important right now is to find someone who can help YOU, not save your relationship. Your needs deserve to be treated on their own without necessarily deciding what to fix or not with your husband.
posted by Emmy Rae at 6:40 AM on September 27, 2021
I just want to echo this from penguin pie: He may just have no part of his brain that knows how to respond externally to this. That might mean that you need to not be with him, or it might mean that with some hand-holding from a couples therapist, he could learn how to express himself emotionally and how to support you.
It's up to you if you want to do the work to get past it. Most important right now is to find someone who can help YOU, not save your relationship. Your needs deserve to be treated on their own without necessarily deciding what to fix or not with your husband.
posted by Emmy Rae at 6:40 AM on September 27, 2021
Jane the Brown has said most of what I wanted to say, just better than I would have said it.
You have all my sympathies for what you are going through; depression is an awful illness. However, to reiterate what Jane the Brown said, you need to seek professional help, part of which needs to be help for your husband so he can learn to see the signs that might lead to suicidal ideation (or an attempt at suicide) and part of which is how to support you.
Your description of his response as "emotional betrayal" (the title of your question) probably feels correct to you right now, but objectively nothing in your description suggests that's what he did. His response might not have been my response, but only because I've got a lot more experience of dealing with a depressed and sometimes genuinely suicidal person than he has. His response is the response of a practical man who wants to solve a problem but doesn't know how, so he's suggesting getting you expert help. It might not be the response you wanted or needed, but if he didn't care he woudn't have tried to get you help.
I am in no way downplaying your situation when I say that he needs help as well. Living with someone you love who is suicidal is heartbreakingly difficult and I second those people who suggest some form of couple's therapy that will help both of you see what the other is going through and support each other. If you love him give him an opportunity to learn how to support you. It's not something that most people magically know how to do.
I wish you the best of luck.
posted by underclocked at 6:47 AM on September 27, 2021 [12 favorites]
You have all my sympathies for what you are going through; depression is an awful illness. However, to reiterate what Jane the Brown said, you need to seek professional help, part of which needs to be help for your husband so he can learn to see the signs that might lead to suicidal ideation (or an attempt at suicide) and part of which is how to support you.
Your description of his response as "emotional betrayal" (the title of your question) probably feels correct to you right now, but objectively nothing in your description suggests that's what he did. His response might not have been my response, but only because I've got a lot more experience of dealing with a depressed and sometimes genuinely suicidal person than he has. His response is the response of a practical man who wants to solve a problem but doesn't know how, so he's suggesting getting you expert help. It might not be the response you wanted or needed, but if he didn't care he woudn't have tried to get you help.
I am in no way downplaying your situation when I say that he needs help as well. Living with someone you love who is suicidal is heartbreakingly difficult and I second those people who suggest some form of couple's therapy that will help both of you see what the other is going through and support each other. If you love him give him an opportunity to learn how to support you. It's not something that most people magically know how to do.
I wish you the best of luck.
posted by underclocked at 6:47 AM on September 27, 2021 [12 favorites]
He claims he loves me, but when I ask him why he loves me, he has no answer.
Love doesn't need reasons. It just is.
posted by flabdablet at 6:57 AM on September 27, 2021 [15 favorites]
Love doesn't need reasons. It just is.
posted by flabdablet at 6:57 AM on September 27, 2021 [15 favorites]
And yes, Jane the Brown's advice has covered pretty much everything else.
posted by flabdablet at 6:59 AM on September 27, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by flabdablet at 6:59 AM on September 27, 2021 [1 favorite]
Your brain just tried to kill you - why would you trust it to be right about your husband's feeling? No way, that grey bitch should be demoted until it gets its act right. Get external help, get meds, get all the support and help you can to get it back in line. Love is not enough, and he gave you the right advice - go to someone who knows how to help.
posted by Freyja at 7:15 AM on September 27, 2021 [9 favorites]
posted by Freyja at 7:15 AM on September 27, 2021 [9 favorites]
Did you actually tell your therapist that you attempted suicide? You sound to me like you need more intervention than you are getting. Nobody can tell from this story what your husband is thinking or feeling, what you describe may be traumatic for him too, you are in a very precarious place and your brain is going to distort the reality. The person to tell in a low point moment where you attempted self harm is an emergency room. If someone other than you tried to hurt you, you'd call 911.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds absolutely awful. It's hard to know how to care for ourselves even when our brains are functioning normally. If you can think of this as a situation where you need to protect yourself at all costs, and look past the pain of the people around you who may be struggling to help you, you could focus on that.
Your husband's reaction isn't something you can understand right now. It simply isn't the priority. He doesn't know how to get you the help you need. It isn't worth trying to figure out why until you are stable.
Please seek more direct intervention. Ask about meds, about inpatient treatment, etc. If you feel the desire to hurt yourself again, call for professional help! Call your therapist, or call 911. Sending you healing thoughts.
posted by pazazygeek at 7:28 AM on September 27, 2021 [10 favorites]
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds absolutely awful. It's hard to know how to care for ourselves even when our brains are functioning normally. If you can think of this as a situation where you need to protect yourself at all costs, and look past the pain of the people around you who may be struggling to help you, you could focus on that.
Your husband's reaction isn't something you can understand right now. It simply isn't the priority. He doesn't know how to get you the help you need. It isn't worth trying to figure out why until you are stable.
Please seek more direct intervention. Ask about meds, about inpatient treatment, etc. If you feel the desire to hurt yourself again, call for professional help! Call your therapist, or call 911. Sending you healing thoughts.
posted by pazazygeek at 7:28 AM on September 27, 2021 [10 favorites]
Gently, the kind of reaction you were expecting from your husband, and which you imagine yourself giving a friend in a similar situation, is the kind of reaction that primarily makes sense to a suicidal person. When we are knee deep in long-term suicidal ideation, it starts to feel like an attempt is merely a worse day among bad ones, not especially upsetting, and we just need a little bit of a hug and maybe a mug of tea. This is because our brains are trying to kill us all the time, and we get habituated.
But the thing is, nobody else sees it that way. Nobody else has spent weeks being best buddies with the idea of their own death or the death of someone they love. People whose brains are not trying to kill them find this HORRIFYING beyond measure. Shocking, destabilizing, traumatic.
We would too, if we were not desperately ill! We would also be afraid of somehow expressing too much emotion and upsetting our loved one further, saying the wrong thing, somehow being the factor that makes our loved one worse. We would also be prone to go into emergency mode, ready to take our loved one somewhere for help.
It's hard to think of yourself as being in crisis instead of just "not doing okay." But you are. The answer to your husband's question is "yes, please take me to the emergency room." Everything else is for later, there is no point in parsing the emotional content of his reaction now.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:47 AM on September 27, 2021 [41 favorites]
But the thing is, nobody else sees it that way. Nobody else has spent weeks being best buddies with the idea of their own death or the death of someone they love. People whose brains are not trying to kill them find this HORRIFYING beyond measure. Shocking, destabilizing, traumatic.
We would too, if we were not desperately ill! We would also be afraid of somehow expressing too much emotion and upsetting our loved one further, saying the wrong thing, somehow being the factor that makes our loved one worse. We would also be prone to go into emergency mode, ready to take our loved one somewhere for help.
It's hard to think of yourself as being in crisis instead of just "not doing okay." But you are. The answer to your husband's question is "yes, please take me to the emergency room." Everything else is for later, there is no point in parsing the emotional content of his reaction now.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:47 AM on September 27, 2021 [41 favorites]
I have a loved one with bipolar disorder, who has attempted suicide in the past. I know what you are going through is hard for you.
But it is also hard for your loved ones. It is hard in a number of ways, including learning how to react and be supportive.
But as others have said, it isn't your husbands job to save you. He is not an expert. He reacted by offering to get you help. It's not the reaction you wanted, but it is a reaction with value.
posted by NotLost at 7:47 AM on September 27, 2021 [11 favorites]
But it is also hard for your loved ones. It is hard in a number of ways, including learning how to react and be supportive.
But as others have said, it isn't your husbands job to save you. He is not an expert. He reacted by offering to get you help. It's not the reaction you wanted, but it is a reaction with value.
posted by NotLost at 7:47 AM on September 27, 2021 [11 favorites]
IMO go get help - this is not on your husband - most people cannot process death or deal with suicide attempts and unless your husband is a trained therapist, his reaction was 100% normal.
posted by The_Vegetables at 7:48 AM on September 27, 2021 [9 favorites]
posted by The_Vegetables at 7:48 AM on September 27, 2021 [9 favorites]
Last year in January I was actively suicidal and told my partner that I had a plan. I was sobbing and thrashing around on the floor, having a mixed bipolar episode. He immediately called 911, sat on the floor with me, and didn't say anything until the ambulance came, when he answered the questions they asked him, calmly.
Later, when I was released from the hospital, he picked me up, took me to get food, brought me home, and lay down next to me in bed. He still didn't say anything to me.
Months later, when I had completed intensive outpatient therapy and was out of the danger zone, he finally told me that he had been terrified and didn't want to accidentally say something that would make things worse, so he tried to remain as calm as possible, get me help, and be present without freaking out. He desperately wanted to cry, but he knew that in that moment, his own emotions were not as severe as mine and it was not fair to ask me to take care of his feelings when I was in crisis. He did the best he could
At the time I wished he had said more, said anything directly to me. But I had been depressed and suicidal for a while, and he was very, very worried about me for a long time, and then it all came to a head. Watching me suffer for so long and not being able to help me get better was traumatic for him. Not as traumatic as the events that led me to that awful night, and he knew that. He knew if he unloaded on me it might have gotten worse. So he moved swiftly to get me help.
He did all of that because he loves me.
Your brain, which only recently tried to kill you, is telling you his subdued reaction means he doesn't care. I understand why you feel that way. But your brain is an asshole and trying to tell you life isn't worth living anymore, and searching for as much ammunition as possible to support those feelings.
I don't think your husband doesn't love you. I think he was in the same place my partner was in. He was trying to do his best without making the situation worse.
I'm glad you are still here. Your therapist is not helping you. You need a different one. You need one that's not trying to get you to bootstrap out of depression. Depression doesn't work that way.
Please remember that your brain isn't interpreting anything accurately right now. And your husband may not be willing to share his true feelings until he feels that you are out of danger and it is safe to explain himself. That's what happened with my partner.
Hugs. I wish the best for you. Find better psychiatric help, asap.
posted by nayantara at 7:50 AM on September 27, 2021 [47 favorites]
Later, when I was released from the hospital, he picked me up, took me to get food, brought me home, and lay down next to me in bed. He still didn't say anything to me.
Months later, when I had completed intensive outpatient therapy and was out of the danger zone, he finally told me that he had been terrified and didn't want to accidentally say something that would make things worse, so he tried to remain as calm as possible, get me help, and be present without freaking out. He desperately wanted to cry, but he knew that in that moment, his own emotions were not as severe as mine and it was not fair to ask me to take care of his feelings when I was in crisis. He did the best he could
At the time I wished he had said more, said anything directly to me. But I had been depressed and suicidal for a while, and he was very, very worried about me for a long time, and then it all came to a head. Watching me suffer for so long and not being able to help me get better was traumatic for him. Not as traumatic as the events that led me to that awful night, and he knew that. He knew if he unloaded on me it might have gotten worse. So he moved swiftly to get me help.
He did all of that because he loves me.
Your brain, which only recently tried to kill you, is telling you his subdued reaction means he doesn't care. I understand why you feel that way. But your brain is an asshole and trying to tell you life isn't worth living anymore, and searching for as much ammunition as possible to support those feelings.
I don't think your husband doesn't love you. I think he was in the same place my partner was in. He was trying to do his best without making the situation worse.
I'm glad you are still here. Your therapist is not helping you. You need a different one. You need one that's not trying to get you to bootstrap out of depression. Depression doesn't work that way.
Please remember that your brain isn't interpreting anything accurately right now. And your husband may not be willing to share his true feelings until he feels that you are out of danger and it is safe to explain himself. That's what happened with my partner.
Hugs. I wish the best for you. Find better psychiatric help, asap.
posted by nayantara at 7:50 AM on September 27, 2021 [47 favorites]
Jane the Brown's advice is really good. Please try to read her comment with an open mind. It might feel to you like she's defending your husband's actions in the very areas where he has hurt you most deeply, but I hope you can see that she's not invalidating your pain - she's giving you an alternative explanation for your husband's hurtful behavior.
So far, you're looking at what has happened in your life and in your marriage, and you're thinking, "He doesn't care about me at all!" and at other times you're thinking, "I don't deserve to be cared about at all!" But what Jane the Brown has offered is a different explanation which fits these events. You are suffering immensely and your husband is utterly unqualified and unequipped to relieve your suffering. He feels panicked and afraid that he will lose you, literally lose you, and this fear is paralyzing him. He doesn't want to step wrong lest he make a bad move, so he has decided to carefully suppress emotion when he interacts with you. This is hurting you but he doesn't know how to do anything else.
You see? It's an alternative explanation to what's going on and why he's doing what he's doing. You both need a counselor to help you through this difficult time.
>> I'm in therapy and have discussed this with my therapist, but all of her advice is "leave your husband and tell your brain to stop being mean to yourself", without helping me navigate the complicated emotions in between.
Perhaps you can kill two birds with one stone by asking your husband to help you find a new therapist.
I don't know what the hell kind of therapist tells a patient in the throes of a suicidal crisis to start divorce proceedings - to choose THIS MOMENT as the right time to exponentially increase the complications in your life, completely upending your primary relationship, your most reliable possible source of emotional support, your finances, your housing arrangements, your legal situation, your logistical day-to-day setup, your friendships and all other secondary relationships...? If someone's house was on fire, you wouldn't advise them to start getting a divorce while the fire was still burning. What your therapist is doing to you is not treatment. This is not what therapy is supposed to be.
There are excellent therapists out there who will provide a safe space and a healing environment for you to recover. It probably feels overwhelming for you to find one right now, but this is where your husband can step in. A well-defined task to help you is exactly what he needs to break out of his own paralysis. And asking for his help, getting his help, and allowing him the chance to do something concrete to take care of you is exactly what you need to start believing in his love for you, at least a little.
posted by MiraK at 7:50 AM on September 27, 2021 [17 favorites]
So far, you're looking at what has happened in your life and in your marriage, and you're thinking, "He doesn't care about me at all!" and at other times you're thinking, "I don't deserve to be cared about at all!" But what Jane the Brown has offered is a different explanation which fits these events. You are suffering immensely and your husband is utterly unqualified and unequipped to relieve your suffering. He feels panicked and afraid that he will lose you, literally lose you, and this fear is paralyzing him. He doesn't want to step wrong lest he make a bad move, so he has decided to carefully suppress emotion when he interacts with you. This is hurting you but he doesn't know how to do anything else.
You see? It's an alternative explanation to what's going on and why he's doing what he's doing. You both need a counselor to help you through this difficult time.
>> I'm in therapy and have discussed this with my therapist, but all of her advice is "leave your husband and tell your brain to stop being mean to yourself", without helping me navigate the complicated emotions in between.
Perhaps you can kill two birds with one stone by asking your husband to help you find a new therapist.
I don't know what the hell kind of therapist tells a patient in the throes of a suicidal crisis to start divorce proceedings - to choose THIS MOMENT as the right time to exponentially increase the complications in your life, completely upending your primary relationship, your most reliable possible source of emotional support, your finances, your housing arrangements, your legal situation, your logistical day-to-day setup, your friendships and all other secondary relationships...? If someone's house was on fire, you wouldn't advise them to start getting a divorce while the fire was still burning. What your therapist is doing to you is not treatment. This is not what therapy is supposed to be.
There are excellent therapists out there who will provide a safe space and a healing environment for you to recover. It probably feels overwhelming for you to find one right now, but this is where your husband can step in. A well-defined task to help you is exactly what he needs to break out of his own paralysis. And asking for his help, getting his help, and allowing him the chance to do something concrete to take care of you is exactly what you need to start believing in his love for you, at least a little.
posted by MiraK at 7:50 AM on September 27, 2021 [17 favorites]
I'm so sorry for your pain, and I hope you continue to get the help you need.
I've been in a somewhat similar position to your husband and while I didn't react precisely the same way, I can say that my reactions were not anything I'm particularly proud of. I didn't bring my best self to my partner's pain. I brought the self I had at the time, which was the version of me that was struggling under a load of my own fear, pain, and trauma brought on by the previous months and years of trying to save my partner from ever reaching that crisis moment, without sufficient support for myself. When the crisis came, I was paralyzed and terrified and didn't do a great job of getting either of us through it. (We did, together, get us through it. We're both alive, we're both doing pretty okay many years down the road, we've forgiven ourselves and each other. There is life on the other side of this, and that life can include ongoing mutual love and support if you want it to.)
I don't think you should make any big life decisions right now, including deciding whether to leave your partner. I think you both need to get and keep getting professional support. In the short term, you may need to each prioritize getting your own brains in order before you can tackle the question of What About The Marriage, and that's honestly fine. If there are little moments in there to have small moments of connection, if there are specific things you need that you can ask for and he can provide, then by all means nurture those things, but these are the moments that "put on your oxygen mask first" was made for.
posted by Stacey at 7:58 AM on September 27, 2021 [9 favorites]
I've been in a somewhat similar position to your husband and while I didn't react precisely the same way, I can say that my reactions were not anything I'm particularly proud of. I didn't bring my best self to my partner's pain. I brought the self I had at the time, which was the version of me that was struggling under a load of my own fear, pain, and trauma brought on by the previous months and years of trying to save my partner from ever reaching that crisis moment, without sufficient support for myself. When the crisis came, I was paralyzed and terrified and didn't do a great job of getting either of us through it. (We did, together, get us through it. We're both alive, we're both doing pretty okay many years down the road, we've forgiven ourselves and each other. There is life on the other side of this, and that life can include ongoing mutual love and support if you want it to.)
I don't think you should make any big life decisions right now, including deciding whether to leave your partner. I think you both need to get and keep getting professional support. In the short term, you may need to each prioritize getting your own brains in order before you can tackle the question of What About The Marriage, and that's honestly fine. If there are little moments in there to have small moments of connection, if there are specific things you need that you can ask for and he can provide, then by all means nurture those things, but these are the moments that "put on your oxygen mask first" was made for.
posted by Stacey at 7:58 AM on September 27, 2021 [9 favorites]
Please go and get better help, your husbands reaction isn't the main issue here it is something to focus on so you don't have to focus on the actual issue right now.
The human brain is weird as hell every single thing we see and experience is filtered through it, the brain is not an impartial observer it colors ever single thing it sees. Fills in huge chunks of imagined or presumed details from the sketchiest of information and tells us it's the cold hard truth when it couldn't be further from it. You know the expression, rose colored glasses, well right now your brain is an asshole looking through the world through glasses of self harm. Be it physical or emotional, your brain is trying to burn it all down. That would be my suggestion on how you look at this differently, you understand your brain is not a reliable witness for the moment.
Your husbands reaction was pretty normal for people in overwhelmingly emotional situations. No matter what your brain is telling you absolutely nothing he could have done would have been enough to magically fix your pain, whatever he had done your brain would tell you it wasn't enough. Please take the energy you're putting into worrying about this and worry about you instead. Sure there is a place and time to work on what happened, on his reaction and how it made you feel, this is not the time or place. You need to focus on you and getting better in the short term, then with professional help work on your marriage.
posted by wwax at 8:01 AM on September 27, 2021 [5 favorites]
The human brain is weird as hell every single thing we see and experience is filtered through it, the brain is not an impartial observer it colors ever single thing it sees. Fills in huge chunks of imagined or presumed details from the sketchiest of information and tells us it's the cold hard truth when it couldn't be further from it. You know the expression, rose colored glasses, well right now your brain is an asshole looking through the world through glasses of self harm. Be it physical or emotional, your brain is trying to burn it all down. That would be my suggestion on how you look at this differently, you understand your brain is not a reliable witness for the moment.
Your husbands reaction was pretty normal for people in overwhelmingly emotional situations. No matter what your brain is telling you absolutely nothing he could have done would have been enough to magically fix your pain, whatever he had done your brain would tell you it wasn't enough. Please take the energy you're putting into worrying about this and worry about you instead. Sure there is a place and time to work on what happened, on his reaction and how it made you feel, this is not the time or place. You need to focus on you and getting better in the short term, then with professional help work on your marriage.
posted by wwax at 8:01 AM on September 27, 2021 [5 favorites]
Husband's reaction falls well into the realm of normal, especially when dealing with severely traumatic events rather than just "It's a bad day". No idea what was actually going on for him, but just that that's an understandable reaction even from a loving partner.
**"
In terms of suggestions:
Any chance you have, or have suspected, Borderline personality disorder?
If you at all suspect that, worth checking out DBT. Dialectal Behavioural Therapy.
It's got a lot of emotional self-soothing techniques, and really helps people with some real emotional pain going on.
Why am I mentioning this? Just because it's a common pattern when people with BPD feel unloved, to hurt themselves, or threaten too, because they don't really *believe* they are loved so they'll often try and test for 'proof' by seeing if someone who loves them is visibly hurt when they're hurting. Hard to explain, but it's weaponised empathy kinda, and even if it's unintentional, is remarkable abusive. The person with BPD only hangs onto the ''soothing' for a very short time before they need it again, or can switch from upset to happy to upset very quickly, while the person without BPD is usually still very affected by incidents and emotions which are already water under the bridge to the BPD person. Thing is, the non-bpd partner tends to get pretty traumatised and wall off emotionally (they have to be the 'stable one'). Thing is, even if it's not a BPD relationship, that's a really common response to that kind of relationship trauma, ie being in love with someone who is hurting the person you love, ie themselves.
posted by Elysum at 8:24 AM on September 27, 2021 [10 favorites]
**"
In terms of suggestions:
Any chance you have, or have suspected, Borderline personality disorder?
If you at all suspect that, worth checking out DBT. Dialectal Behavioural Therapy.
It's got a lot of emotional self-soothing techniques, and really helps people with some real emotional pain going on.
Why am I mentioning this? Just because it's a common pattern when people with BPD feel unloved, to hurt themselves, or threaten too, because they don't really *believe* they are loved so they'll often try and test for 'proof' by seeing if someone who loves them is visibly hurt when they're hurting. Hard to explain, but it's weaponised empathy kinda, and even if it's unintentional, is remarkable abusive. The person with BPD only hangs onto the ''soothing' for a very short time before they need it again, or can switch from upset to happy to upset very quickly, while the person without BPD is usually still very affected by incidents and emotions which are already water under the bridge to the BPD person. Thing is, the non-bpd partner tends to get pretty traumatised and wall off emotionally (they have to be the 'stable one'). Thing is, even if it's not a BPD relationship, that's a really common response to that kind of relationship trauma, ie being in love with someone who is hurting the person you love, ie themselves.
posted by Elysum at 8:24 AM on September 27, 2021 [10 favorites]
He's not magic
Jane the Brown's comment is exceptionally good. I wanted to emphasize this part. One of the biggest things I learned in intensive outpatient therapy was that my partner is not capable of magically making my depression better. It's not his job, and moreover, it's just not possible. No one can do that. Depression cannot be magicked away.
Once I understood that, it improved my relationship with him immensely. And it actually helped me get better, too.
You need intensive care. Perhaps an inpatient program, as opposed to outpatient, since you actively attempted suicide. I don't know if that is an option given COVID, though, so perhaps outpatient is the best option right now. You need to be in a program where you devote all of your energy to getting better. If you have a job, fuck the job. I quit my job to enter treatment. It's that dire.
Your brain is telling you not to love yourself, ignore the fuck out of it and prioritize getting the help you need. An intensive immersive therapy program will have the resources to find you a better therapist, and a psychiatrist if you don't have one. If you are in the NYC Metro Area please MeMail me and I'll give you details on where I went and who to call to get placed in a program.
Your husband didn't betray you. He's just not the right person to fix you. But that doesn't mean he doesn't care about you.
We all care about you here too. We are pulling for you.
posted by nayantara at 8:58 AM on September 27, 2021 [13 favorites]
Jane the Brown's comment is exceptionally good. I wanted to emphasize this part. One of the biggest things I learned in intensive outpatient therapy was that my partner is not capable of magically making my depression better. It's not his job, and moreover, it's just not possible. No one can do that. Depression cannot be magicked away.
Once I understood that, it improved my relationship with him immensely. And it actually helped me get better, too.
You need intensive care. Perhaps an inpatient program, as opposed to outpatient, since you actively attempted suicide. I don't know if that is an option given COVID, though, so perhaps outpatient is the best option right now. You need to be in a program where you devote all of your energy to getting better. If you have a job, fuck the job. I quit my job to enter treatment. It's that dire.
Your brain is telling you not to love yourself, ignore the fuck out of it and prioritize getting the help you need. An intensive immersive therapy program will have the resources to find you a better therapist, and a psychiatrist if you don't have one. If you are in the NYC Metro Area please MeMail me and I'll give you details on where I went and who to call to get placed in a program.
Your husband didn't betray you. He's just not the right person to fix you. But that doesn't mean he doesn't care about you.
We all care about you here too. We are pulling for you.
posted by nayantara at 8:58 AM on September 27, 2021 [13 favorites]
The advice here from others is better than anything I can offer, but this does strike some chords for me.
1) An ex cheated on me, and in the moment, all I could do was smile and say it's ok. It took months for me to surface my genuine emotional reaction. In that time, there was distancing, and growing resentment. We're both heavily traumatized people. Whenever we have reached a point where we stress each other's emotional limits, it got really confusing. I would spend days obsessively analyzing her actions. Maybe I was right, maybe I figured her out a bit, but I was neglecting myself.
2) Not to say that this is you, but I've suffered pretty serious neglect and emotional abandonment. I've only recently (decades later) seen how that past has skewed my view of nearly every interpersonal relationship I attempt.
3) I wonder about your therapy, and therapist. Do you feel you've been honest with them, and do they have the appropriate background? I went through several therapists who were bad fits for me. Their methods were like pushing water around on a tray, instead of looking deeper. My current trauma-informed person is amazing
posted by Jack Karaoke at 8:58 AM on September 27, 2021 [2 favorites]
1) An ex cheated on me, and in the moment, all I could do was smile and say it's ok. It took months for me to surface my genuine emotional reaction. In that time, there was distancing, and growing resentment. We're both heavily traumatized people. Whenever we have reached a point where we stress each other's emotional limits, it got really confusing. I would spend days obsessively analyzing her actions. Maybe I was right, maybe I figured her out a bit, but I was neglecting myself.
2) Not to say that this is you, but I've suffered pretty serious neglect and emotional abandonment. I've only recently (decades later) seen how that past has skewed my view of nearly every interpersonal relationship I attempt.
3) I wonder about your therapy, and therapist. Do you feel you've been honest with them, and do they have the appropriate background? I went through several therapists who were bad fits for me. Their methods were like pushing water around on a tray, instead of looking deeper. My current trauma-informed person is amazing
posted by Jack Karaoke at 8:58 AM on September 27, 2021 [2 favorites]
Last comment: my program had an adjacent weekly program for families of patients to understand what we were going through and how to be supportive. My partner went to that program weekly. It also helped. A good hospital will have similar resources. It is very hard to live with someone who is suffering and feel powerless to help. He needs support too. I don't think couples counseling is the way to go here; I think you need to prioritize your health and he needs support and education for how to help you while you recover.
posted by nayantara at 9:02 AM on September 27, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by nayantara at 9:02 AM on September 27, 2021 [3 favorites]
Ugh, sorry to keep bogarting the comments but this question from a poster above jumped out at me:
Did you actually tell your therapist that you attempted suicide? You sound to me like you need more intervention than you are getting.
If you did tell your therapist that you attempted suicide and her response was "leave your husband" and "don't let your brain be mean to you" you need to jettison this person straight into the sea because what the ACTUAL FUCK, this is NOT how a therapist is supposed to respond to this information.
My situation was different because I ended up in a hospital and they called my psychiatrist so I didn't have to tell him what happened directly, but when he called me first thing the next day, he had already spoken with my therapist and the only thing he said is "I am referring you to an IOP, this is non-negotiable. You need more than one hour once a week in therapy. [Therapist] agrees with me."
If you didn't tell your therapist about your suicide attempt, you must do so. If it scares you to do that, you gotta push through it, or seek the intensive treatment you need yourself and get away from this therapist. If you don't feel safe telling them something like this they are not the right therapist for your needs.
posted by nayantara at 10:04 AM on September 27, 2021 [9 favorites]
Did you actually tell your therapist that you attempted suicide? You sound to me like you need more intervention than you are getting.
If you did tell your therapist that you attempted suicide and her response was "leave your husband" and "don't let your brain be mean to you" you need to jettison this person straight into the sea because what the ACTUAL FUCK, this is NOT how a therapist is supposed to respond to this information.
My situation was different because I ended up in a hospital and they called my psychiatrist so I didn't have to tell him what happened directly, but when he called me first thing the next day, he had already spoken with my therapist and the only thing he said is "I am referring you to an IOP, this is non-negotiable. You need more than one hour once a week in therapy. [Therapist] agrees with me."
If you didn't tell your therapist about your suicide attempt, you must do so. If it scares you to do that, you gotta push through it, or seek the intensive treatment you need yourself and get away from this therapist. If you don't feel safe telling them something like this they are not the right therapist for your needs.
posted by nayantara at 10:04 AM on September 27, 2021 [9 favorites]
I had a similar response from a close family member many years ago--they said they would get me help if I wanted it, and then we never spoke of it again, for years. It took me a long time (and being healthier myself again) to understand that they dropped the subject because it was scary and uncomfortable, not because they didn't love me.
Please go get some help for yourself, because your brain is telling you a lot of bad things and it's too hard right now for you to figure out what is real and what is distortion. There is a lot of good advice above about where to get that help--sounds like it may not be this therapist.
Thank you for still being here, I know it's hard. I'm glad you're alive.
posted by assenav at 10:13 AM on September 27, 2021
Please go get some help for yourself, because your brain is telling you a lot of bad things and it's too hard right now for you to figure out what is real and what is distortion. There is a lot of good advice above about where to get that help--sounds like it may not be this therapist.
Thank you for still being here, I know it's hard. I'm glad you're alive.
posted by assenav at 10:13 AM on September 27, 2021
I am glad you are still alive.
I think the most important thing is to get immediate professional help. I live in Europe, so don't know the channels available to you in your area.
But i remember that often NAMI is recommended here in Ask.
From their Website:
Call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 as soon as possible. They have trained counselors available to speak with you 24/7 and assist in a crisis situation.
If you feel unable to, get your husband to call. I agree with many above, he was probably super scared and shocked into paralysis. But regardless, you urgently need professional help.
If neither of you want to make a call, get him to take you to an emergency room.
Re. your therapist, if you did tell her that you attempted suicide just recently at least here in Austria, she would be legally obliged to have you admitted or at the very least establish you current state of mind. If you did not tell her do so now or at least tell your primary care giver. Suicidal ideation is not something to treat at home, you are to precious for that. I do understand you may prefer to keep it in the family but i can assure it is not going to help you.
I am quite concerned for you, and hope you get professional help soon.
posted by 15L06 at 10:46 AM on September 27, 2021 [1 favorite]
I think the most important thing is to get immediate professional help. I live in Europe, so don't know the channels available to you in your area.
But i remember that often NAMI is recommended here in Ask.
From their Website:
Call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 as soon as possible. They have trained counselors available to speak with you 24/7 and assist in a crisis situation.
If you feel unable to, get your husband to call. I agree with many above, he was probably super scared and shocked into paralysis. But regardless, you urgently need professional help.
If neither of you want to make a call, get him to take you to an emergency room.
Re. your therapist, if you did tell her that you attempted suicide just recently at least here in Austria, she would be legally obliged to have you admitted or at the very least establish you current state of mind. If you did not tell her do so now or at least tell your primary care giver. Suicidal ideation is not something to treat at home, you are to precious for that. I do understand you may prefer to keep it in the family but i can assure it is not going to help you.
I am quite concerned for you, and hope you get professional help soon.
posted by 15L06 at 10:46 AM on September 27, 2021 [1 favorite]
(IAAT/IANYT) You are in a mental health crisis. You need and deserve help from people who are trained and prepared to support you. If you don't know where to start and you're in the US, here are some ideas: the National Alliance on Mental Health has a helpline and crisis text line. There may be a crisis line for your city/county/state, a nearby walk-in crisis center, or a peer-staffed "warm line." Here's an example of resources that are mostly specific to Washington State, with some national resources as well. Many of the state-specific resources in that list are local chapters of national organizations, so you could look for the equivalent where you are. Here is a directory of warm lines across the US.
I'm concerned to hear that your therapist is advising you to leave your husband. It's not a therapist's job to give advice, and even if leaving were a good and healthy choice for you, it probably wouldn't resolve your mental health symptoms or make your life easier. It would, at least for a time, most likely make life harder. You could try expressing to your therapist: "What I'm taking away from our sessions is that you think I should leave my husband and be less mean to myself. That isn't helping me right now. I'd like to focus on skills or topics to help me be safe and reduce my suicidal thoughts." (Or whatever you'd like to focus on--skills for being neutral toward yourself; understanding where the meanness toward yourself comes from and looking compassionately at those impulses because, counterintuitively, they're actually some part of you trying to keep you safe by picking yourself apart before others can; DBT skills for managing distress; etc.) It is completely reasonable and acceptable--necessary even, to express to your therapist when they are going in a direction or using an approach that isn't helping you. You could also consider whether this therapeutic relationship is the right fit for you. Sometimes a given therapist or therapeutic approach is really helpful for one leg of a journey, but you need something else for the next portion.
posted by theotherdurassister at 11:10 AM on September 27, 2021 [4 favorites]
I'm concerned to hear that your therapist is advising you to leave your husband. It's not a therapist's job to give advice, and even if leaving were a good and healthy choice for you, it probably wouldn't resolve your mental health symptoms or make your life easier. It would, at least for a time, most likely make life harder. You could try expressing to your therapist: "What I'm taking away from our sessions is that you think I should leave my husband and be less mean to myself. That isn't helping me right now. I'd like to focus on skills or topics to help me be safe and reduce my suicidal thoughts." (Or whatever you'd like to focus on--skills for being neutral toward yourself; understanding where the meanness toward yourself comes from and looking compassionately at those impulses because, counterintuitively, they're actually some part of you trying to keep you safe by picking yourself apart before others can; DBT skills for managing distress; etc.) It is completely reasonable and acceptable--necessary even, to express to your therapist when they are going in a direction or using an approach that isn't helping you. You could also consider whether this therapeutic relationship is the right fit for you. Sometimes a given therapist or therapeutic approach is really helpful for one leg of a journey, but you need something else for the next portion.
posted by theotherdurassister at 11:10 AM on September 27, 2021 [4 favorites]
Hello, I'm also very glad you're still here.
I know it's a total AskMe cliche to be all "you're asking the wrong question" but I'd suggest that your relationship with your husband is absolutely not the most urgent matter to deal with at the moment. You're having an active mental health crisis, and that's the most important thing to focus on right now - unless your husband is abusive in ways you haven't included in your question, he's beside the point here.
I'm a little concerned that you mention a therapist but not a psychiatrist. I definitely don't think that all mental health problems need to be solved with medication, but when you've reached the point we're you're attempting suicide, it's probably the case that something beyond talk therapy is called for. I'd strongly encourage you to take advantage of the resources linked to above, and try to get some more help than you have at the moment.
posted by Ragged Richard at 11:16 AM on September 27, 2021 [3 favorites]
I know it's a total AskMe cliche to be all "you're asking the wrong question" but I'd suggest that your relationship with your husband is absolutely not the most urgent matter to deal with at the moment. You're having an active mental health crisis, and that's the most important thing to focus on right now - unless your husband is abusive in ways you haven't included in your question, he's beside the point here.
I'm a little concerned that you mention a therapist but not a psychiatrist. I definitely don't think that all mental health problems need to be solved with medication, but when you've reached the point we're you're attempting suicide, it's probably the case that something beyond talk therapy is called for. I'd strongly encourage you to take advantage of the resources linked to above, and try to get some more help than you have at the moment.
posted by Ragged Richard at 11:16 AM on September 27, 2021 [3 favorites]
I just want to add a little validation in case OP’s relationship really is terrible, in which case reading comments about how good the husband is would be really painful. I was frequently suicidal in an abusive relationship, and it also made me fulfil BPD criteria to boot, which I haven’t since I left. We don’t know the story and we can’t see the situation except through OP’s intense depression and crisis mode, but the situation could also be bad. OP, I’m sorry your therapist isn’t providing what works for you as help and support right now, and I hope you can get crisis support per other posters’ suggestions. In my area it was ‘go to A&E’/the ER. Rooting for you. Stay alive.
posted by lokta at 11:24 AM on September 27, 2021 [5 favorites]
posted by lokta at 11:24 AM on September 27, 2021 [5 favorites]
I'm in therapy and have discussed this with my therapist, but all of her advice is "leave your husband and tell your brain to stop being mean to yourself", without helping me navigate the complicated emotions in between.
This is not an appropriate thing for a therapist to say, but as someone who has struggled with suicidal ideation, depression, anxiety... my interpretation of events and what people are saying to me in the middle of an episode is not accurate.
I often would use other issues to try to avoid doing the work of climbing out of the hole I was in. Respectfully, I don't think there's any reaction he could've had that would've been enough. If it had been over the top, it would've been too much. If his reaction HAD been perfect, you would have found something else to cling to.
You tried to kill yourself. Please focus on healing. You're not a bad person for asking this question, for having any of the feelings you have or for trying to kill yourself, and not a single person here thinks you are. If you don't believe that, you're still in the crisis, and your brain is trying to kill you.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:24 PM on September 27, 2021 [8 favorites]
This is not an appropriate thing for a therapist to say, but as someone who has struggled with suicidal ideation, depression, anxiety... my interpretation of events and what people are saying to me in the middle of an episode is not accurate.
I often would use other issues to try to avoid doing the work of climbing out of the hole I was in. Respectfully, I don't think there's any reaction he could've had that would've been enough. If it had been over the top, it would've been too much. If his reaction HAD been perfect, you would have found something else to cling to.
You tried to kill yourself. Please focus on healing. You're not a bad person for asking this question, for having any of the feelings you have or for trying to kill yourself, and not a single person here thinks you are. If you don't believe that, you're still in the crisis, and your brain is trying to kill you.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:24 PM on September 27, 2021 [8 favorites]
There are a bunch of resources collected in the Mefi Wiki ThereIsHelp page. I hope something there is helpful to you. Please be kind to yourself.
posted by beandip at 1:04 PM on September 27, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by beandip at 1:04 PM on September 27, 2021 [1 favorite]
No one thinks she is depressed out of nowhere. The overall concensus here seems to be "please get help as you are actively in crisis and your brain is probably not reading the world very well so you may not be in a great place to evaluate your husband's reaction and also your therapist sucks for not intervening after a literal suicide attempt."
Maybe I was wrong above and her husband does suck but right now this poster needs to deal with the fact that she is suicidal, with a very recent suicide attempt, and her one source of therapeutic help is doing jack shit about it. She needs to get to a place where she is not in active crisis before making any decisions about her husband's character or whether or not the marriage is viable long-term.
posted by nayantara at 1:46 PM on September 27, 2021 [3 favorites]
Maybe I was wrong above and her husband does suck but right now this poster needs to deal with the fact that she is suicidal, with a very recent suicide attempt, and her one source of therapeutic help is doing jack shit about it. She needs to get to a place where she is not in active crisis before making any decisions about her husband's character or whether or not the marriage is viable long-term.
posted by nayantara at 1:46 PM on September 27, 2021 [3 favorites]
And that your reaction is really really on point here.
This is dangerous nonsense. A person tried to kill themselves, and you are telling them that their view of the everything is completely correctly calibrated.
To be clear, if anyone is trying to kill themselves, they are in unimaginable pain mentally. I do not know what or why they are in that pain, but I do know that the only way out seems like dying. That is not a solution that I have ever seen play out as the correct one.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 1:55 PM on September 27, 2021 [2 favorites]
This is dangerous nonsense. A person tried to kill themselves, and you are telling them that their view of the everything is completely correctly calibrated.
To be clear, if anyone is trying to kill themselves, they are in unimaginable pain mentally. I do not know what or why they are in that pain, but I do know that the only way out seems like dying. That is not a solution that I have ever seen play out as the correct one.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 1:55 PM on September 27, 2021 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by restless_nomad at 4:58 AM on September 27, 2021 [12 favorites]