Helping a Witness to a Violent Death
September 20, 2021 5:30 PM Subscribe
Friend saw the aftermath of a violent suicide while at work, how can I help?
A friend of mine was at work today and entered a patient's room, becoming the first employee to see that the patient had fatally shot themselves. Friend came home from work a few hours after the incident, and has said they are doing okay but they need to distract their brain constantly so the violent scene burned into their brain goes away.
Besides giving them information about how to contact their county's mental health services, is there anything else their friends and I can do to help? What are proper suggestions for helping them deal with what they saw?
A friend of mine was at work today and entered a patient's room, becoming the first employee to see that the patient had fatally shot themselves. Friend came home from work a few hours after the incident, and has said they are doing okay but they need to distract their brain constantly so the violent scene burned into their brain goes away.
Besides giving them information about how to contact their county's mental health services, is there anything else their friends and I can do to help? What are proper suggestions for helping them deal with what they saw?
Response by poster: Because of the nature of their job and my health, we are unable to do activities together.
posted by Margot's Wooden Finger at 5:46 PM on September 20, 2021
posted by Margot's Wooden Finger at 5:46 PM on September 20, 2021
Best answer: I learned this method from a friend who went through something similar, and learned it from their therapist.
1. Look at something in nature, like a plant, or a tree. Study it carefully, and notice the parts of it, and how beautiful it is...
2. Close your eyes, and keep on looking at it in your mind's eye. Keep on noticing the parts of it.
The idea is that after you let your mind's eye focus on a particular visual image so that the mind is focusing on new images, instead of the intrusive images.
posted by many more sunsets at 5:55 PM on September 20, 2021 [36 favorites]
1. Look at something in nature, like a plant, or a tree. Study it carefully, and notice the parts of it, and how beautiful it is...
2. Close your eyes, and keep on looking at it in your mind's eye. Keep on noticing the parts of it.
The idea is that after you let your mind's eye focus on a particular visual image so that the mind is focusing on new images, instead of the intrusive images.
posted by many more sunsets at 5:55 PM on September 20, 2021 [36 favorites]
Is there any "employee assistance program" available from his/her work? The HR team may have more info on that. Even a phone referral to a grief counselor may help. This is a form of PTSD, and will require some sort of counseling.
From your description, it sounds like your friend is working at some sort of care facility and they should have someone on staff dealing with things like that.
posted by kschang at 5:57 PM on September 20, 2021 [5 favorites]
From your description, it sounds like your friend is working at some sort of care facility and they should have someone on staff dealing with things like that.
posted by kschang at 5:57 PM on September 20, 2021 [5 favorites]
This sounds like something that your friend's employer should handle through worker's comp or some sort of internal systems for handling workplace injury.
If a "patient in a room" killed himself, that would suggest that this was a mental health or hospital facility? In either case, that employer should have access to mental health care resources and experts who could properly address your friend's trauma.
Your friend's employer might also have an EAP that would provide a certain number of mental health counselor visits. Although it might be important that he *not* use that resource if he thinks he might file a worker's comp claim or otherwise make a legal case that he suffered harm on the job that requires recompense.
posted by mccxxiii at 6:01 PM on September 20, 2021 [4 favorites]
If a "patient in a room" killed himself, that would suggest that this was a mental health or hospital facility? In either case, that employer should have access to mental health care resources and experts who could properly address your friend's trauma.
Your friend's employer might also have an EAP that would provide a certain number of mental health counselor visits. Although it might be important that he *not* use that resource if he thinks he might file a worker's comp claim or otherwise make a legal case that he suffered harm on the job that requires recompense.
posted by mccxxiii at 6:01 PM on September 20, 2021 [4 favorites]
"Because of the nature of their job and my health, we are unable to do activities together."
Watch a movie or tv show together while synced up and chatting via phone call or zoom. Make sure it doesn't include guns or violence.
posted by Nickel at 6:19 PM on September 20, 2021 [14 favorites]
Watch a movie or tv show together while synced up and chatting via phone call or zoom. Make sure it doesn't include guns or violence.
posted by Nickel at 6:19 PM on September 20, 2021 [14 favorites]
Does your friend like simple, repetitive computer puzzle games? Playing some Tetris or Bejeweled might help them see something bland/harmless when they close their eyes later. It’s like the visual equivalent of getting a song stuck in your head.
posted by armeowda at 6:41 PM on September 20, 2021 [9 favorites]
posted by armeowda at 6:41 PM on September 20, 2021 [9 favorites]
Phone call, Zoom, Amazon (or other streaming service) "watch party" (Amazon's has a chat window feature), MS Teams... lots of options to see a movie or binge-watch a comfort tv series together.
posted by Iris Gambol at 6:44 PM on September 20, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by Iris Gambol at 6:44 PM on September 20, 2021 [4 favorites]
Is there any way you can walk outside (at a safe distance), together, through a park or greenway or nice fancy nursery or garden? That's similar to what I have done for a young person who experienced something awful. The act of moving and of focusing on your pleasant surroundings is a bit of respite.
posted by mightshould at 6:47 PM on September 20, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by mightshould at 6:47 PM on September 20, 2021 [2 favorites]
Your friend should contact their family doctor ASAP and talk about either getting a prescription or a referral to someone who can offer a prescription. There are medication (e.g.) s, which taken in the aftermath of a traumatic event can prevent PTSD. I am not a doctor, I just know I've read about the possibility. A doctor would presumably know how to identify the relevant medication and either administer it (if it's that simple) or refer if there's a little more to. Encourage your friend to seek help sooner rather than later.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 6:59 PM on September 20, 2021 [7 favorites]
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 6:59 PM on September 20, 2021 [7 favorites]
I agree with the suggestion to play Tetris or a similarly immersive game. There is actually research showing that this kind of thing can help stop the formation and reinforcement of traumatic memories. Anecdotally, I did something similar after I was violently mugged and never had to deal with trauma responses in the aftermath -- it's an anecdote and not data, but seems worth a try. It's most important to do it close after the event, before the memories have had a chance to consolidate.
posted by contrapositive at 7:05 PM on September 20, 2021 [21 favorites]
posted by contrapositive at 7:05 PM on September 20, 2021 [21 favorites]
Here's the actual academic article corresponding to that research, if you find that more helpful. (It's not paywalled).
posted by contrapositive at 7:06 PM on September 20, 2021 [9 favorites]
posted by contrapositive at 7:06 PM on September 20, 2021 [9 favorites]
Tetris or similar is legit. Other games with a tight gameplay loop are good too, like Stardew Valley, or immersive visual rhythm games like Beat Saber or Lumines. If they are a crafter, something like crochet, cross stitch, or even coloring can help with that same repetitive visual and tactile stimulus thing that video games excel at.
But also, it seems that the chances of a person having long lasting negative effects from experiencing a trauma are greatly affected by the support they receive right after. So you and their other friends can be truly helpful by just talking with them, checking in, distracting them when they ask for it and empathizing with them when they want to talk about what happened. Being listened to, and believed, and believed about how awful something was without minimizing it, is important for someone processing trauma.
Since you said this has to be long distance on your part, here are some long distance ideas:
- Play a collaborative multiplayer game together (I really enjoy Sky: Children of the Light) while being on voice chat through discord or similar.
- Watch something together virtually, as suggested and detailed above. Maybe something visually opulent that they’ve already seen so they don’t have to worry about zoning out and missing parts of the story. (An American in Paris is my favorite movie musical.)
- Have food delivered to their place along with food from the same restaurant delivered to you, and video chat while you both eat together.
- Put each other on video chat but go about doing chores nearby and only occasionally talking (this is a good way to get the kitchen clean, or fold laundry).
- Both of you could watch the same Twitch stream together and have a voice chat open.
posted by Mizu at 8:20 PM on September 20, 2021 [7 favorites]
But also, it seems that the chances of a person having long lasting negative effects from experiencing a trauma are greatly affected by the support they receive right after. So you and their other friends can be truly helpful by just talking with them, checking in, distracting them when they ask for it and empathizing with them when they want to talk about what happened. Being listened to, and believed, and believed about how awful something was without minimizing it, is important for someone processing trauma.
Since you said this has to be long distance on your part, here are some long distance ideas:
- Play a collaborative multiplayer game together (I really enjoy Sky: Children of the Light) while being on voice chat through discord or similar.
- Watch something together virtually, as suggested and detailed above. Maybe something visually opulent that they’ve already seen so they don’t have to worry about zoning out and missing parts of the story. (An American in Paris is my favorite movie musical.)
- Have food delivered to their place along with food from the same restaurant delivered to you, and video chat while you both eat together.
- Put each other on video chat but go about doing chores nearby and only occasionally talking (this is a good way to get the kitchen clean, or fold laundry).
- Both of you could watch the same Twitch stream together and have a voice chat open.
posted by Mizu at 8:20 PM on September 20, 2021 [7 favorites]
In addition to the practical suggestions already offered, I recommend looking for support and resources using the term ‘postvention’. Here are a few examples: Postvention resources and Support after suicide. Some resources are location/country-specific, so it may help to include your/your friend’s area with the search term.
posted by The Patron Saint of Spices at 11:09 PM on September 20, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by The Patron Saint of Spices at 11:09 PM on September 20, 2021 [1 favorite]
I'm so sorry. Having been through something similar I truly recommend that you suggest to your friend that they seek out EMDR therapy - it's a brain-rewiring therapy not an emotional processing therapy, and it helps the brain integrate the memories so that they don't flash up into the present. It helped me so much. I wish you and your friend the best.
posted by not_that_lilibet at 3:14 AM on September 21, 2021 [8 favorites]
posted by not_that_lilibet at 3:14 AM on September 21, 2021 [8 favorites]
Yes to EMDR!
posted by InkaLomax at 4:48 AM on September 21, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by InkaLomax at 4:48 AM on September 21, 2021 [2 favorites]
EMDR is evidence-based therapy for trauma like this. It used to be used more for past trauma with some time distance, but it has shown a lot of effectiveness in the immediate aftermath as well, even on-site at accidents and natural disasters. It’s incredibly effective.
posted by asimplemouse at 5:03 AM on September 21, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by asimplemouse at 5:03 AM on September 21, 2021 [3 favorites]
LOTS of answers above are jumping to PTSD, needing immediate intervention, etc. Please know that your friend does NOT have PTSD (PTSD can only be diagnosed after 1+ month post-trauma) and it is very, very normal to struggle in the immediate aftermath of experiencing a traumatic event. Intrusive images, difficulty sleeping, and so on are all very common and not a sign that your friend will not return to their baseline naturally. Actually the majority of people who experience a trauma do not go on to develop PTSD.
Your friend experienced this TODAY -- of course they are still upset by it and thinking about it. Please do not frighten them by making their reaction seem abnormal.
FYI, there are no medications "which taken in the aftermath of a traumatic event can prevent PTSD" -- people have hypothesized about this for years and studies have been very uninspiring to say the least. No competent psychiatrist is going to prescribe something like this.
If you are looking for evidence-based information about trauma, I recommend the National Center for PTSD.
posted by Bebo at 5:46 AM on September 21, 2021 [8 favorites]
Your friend experienced this TODAY -- of course they are still upset by it and thinking about it. Please do not frighten them by making their reaction seem abnormal.
FYI, there are no medications "which taken in the aftermath of a traumatic event can prevent PTSD" -- people have hypothesized about this for years and studies have been very uninspiring to say the least. No competent psychiatrist is going to prescribe something like this.
If you are looking for evidence-based information about trauma, I recommend the National Center for PTSD.
posted by Bebo at 5:46 AM on September 21, 2021 [8 favorites]
Seconding contrapositive's suggestion. I work in a field that deals with traumatic imagery and content, and the company brings in psychologists that suggest this tetris method in particular. Breaking up the traumatic content so that your brain isn't forming long-term memories (or as much as is possible).
posted by Sreiny at 7:24 AM on September 21, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by Sreiny at 7:24 AM on September 21, 2021 [4 favorites]
Games are a good distraction; I like Twenty. Your friend has experienced trauma, and is likely to benefit from a skilled trauma therapist. Many people report being helped by EMDR.
posted by theora55 at 9:51 AM on September 21, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 9:51 AM on September 21, 2021 [3 favorites]
That's rough. They are going to need a week to process this chemically and biologically before they process it any other way. Tell them you are available and revisit in seven days.
posted by turbid dahlia at 9:52 PM on September 21, 2021
posted by turbid dahlia at 9:52 PM on September 21, 2021
This thread is closed to new comments.
In terms of what you CAN do — well, your friend has mentioned that they need distraction right now, so is there any way you can help distract them? Invite them out to do an activity together, or watch a show or a movie together, or cook a meal. And make it clear that you’re available to listen if they want to talk about it, but don’t force the issue or keep bringing it up — let them take the lead on whether they want to discuss it with you or not.
posted by mekily at 5:36 PM on September 20, 2021 [2 favorites]