Second Generation Immigrant dealing with money
September 2, 2021 8:39 AM Subscribe
I have had this kind weird relationship with money where I am frugal in alot of ways but in the other ways not frugal (food,vacation, rent) that leads to conflicts with my wife. I think deeply it has to do with I was raised from a family of extremely frugal, but extremely well off (let's just call it, rich) first generation immigrant parents. Would like to hear people who've dealt with this as they grow older or with blogs books etc. Some details inside (warning #richpeopleproblems):
On the internet it seems like I have a scarcity mindset, but mostly that's about people who grew up poor but now well off. I was always well off.
Current situation: well off, top 15% of area household income, but nitpick and look at any spending over $50, but still spend what I think is a ton of money (avg $7k a month over last 5 years for just two people). When I get frugal, my wife thinks I'm being ridiculous (our income + networth means we're millionaires). She grew up fairly poor but not as a child of immigrants, where spending was not considered bad. I think that 1) if we don't worry about money, we will spend it all and 2) have a sense of guilt for having a 'lavish' lifestyle as my parents seemed to be cheap so that their kids didn't have to worry about money.
Growing up: never buying name brand clothes, never eating out,never using washer/dryer/air conditioning, but had European/educational vacations and a college/grad school completely paid for. Parents still wear MY hand me downs from 25 years ago and dont use air conditioning in the summer. Parents seemed to want to save in case their kids needed help as they grew older/some type of scarcity mindset from their developing country child house.
On the internet it seems like I have a scarcity mindset, but mostly that's about people who grew up poor but now well off. I was always well off.
Current situation: well off, top 15% of area household income, but nitpick and look at any spending over $50, but still spend what I think is a ton of money (avg $7k a month over last 5 years for just two people). When I get frugal, my wife thinks I'm being ridiculous (our income + networth means we're millionaires). She grew up fairly poor but not as a child of immigrants, where spending was not considered bad. I think that 1) if we don't worry about money, we will spend it all and 2) have a sense of guilt for having a 'lavish' lifestyle as my parents seemed to be cheap so that their kids didn't have to worry about money.
Growing up: never buying name brand clothes, never eating out,never using washer/dryer/air conditioning, but had European/educational vacations and a college/grad school completely paid for. Parents still wear MY hand me downs from 25 years ago and dont use air conditioning in the summer. Parents seemed to want to save in case their kids needed help as they grew older/some type of scarcity mindset from their developing country child house.
Ramit Sethi is your man. He wrote I Will Teach You to Be Rich, which may not be the most helpful for you if you're already well-versed in saving and investing, but he approaches money from a psychological and cultural point of view that directly addresses a lot of what you've talked about here. He just started a podcast where he helps couples with their money problems, and I think a lot of it would be very relevant to you.
posted by Fuego at 8:59 AM on September 2, 2021 [6 favorites]
posted by Fuego at 8:59 AM on September 2, 2021 [6 favorites]
My first husband was strange about money. He hated it if I wanted to get the kids McDonald's even one night per month, but saw no problem buying himself a brand new car to drive, or top-of-the-line stereo equipment. If we were shopping for clothing together, if I bought something he deemed unnecessary, say, a pair of cheap slippers, he would put the t-shirt he was going to get himself back. Constantly asking did I really need to buy so many new clothes for my daughter (kids grow, yanno, so buying new school clothes for the Fall is a necessity, and I'm talking big box store, not fancy designer things). It was a constant tug-of-war, being forced to justify small purchases. Also, a lot of embarrassment, such as when we actually did go out to eat, he was always stealing handfuls of "free" napkins and ketchup packets.
A relative of mine, upon her second marriage, set up 3 banks accounts: his, hers, and joint expenses. So if one of them wanted to buy a toy, or craft supplies, anything, it would come out of their personal account. They each contributed to the joint account for things like mortgage and utilities. It did seem to save a lot of hassle.
There's nothing wrong with being frugal, and having enough in savings for emergencies, those are good things! I guess it comes down to budgeting, allowing for frivolous items for both parties, where the other one is not allowed to question them, and having long term goals planned out, so there are no surprises. My last husband, think we had a rule where if either of us were going to spend over a certain dollar amount, we'd check in with the other first. I did the monthly budgeting and bill paying, and then we'd discuss things (like if we could afford to go to dinner, if he could get himself a new phone, etc.). There are a ton of rich people in Maine who wear old clothes and drive beat-up cars, my father-in-law was one of them. He'd wear his shoes out until the soles were falling off, and grouse about buying new ones.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 9:05 AM on September 2, 2021 [6 favorites]
A relative of mine, upon her second marriage, set up 3 banks accounts: his, hers, and joint expenses. So if one of them wanted to buy a toy, or craft supplies, anything, it would come out of their personal account. They each contributed to the joint account for things like mortgage and utilities. It did seem to save a lot of hassle.
There's nothing wrong with being frugal, and having enough in savings for emergencies, those are good things! I guess it comes down to budgeting, allowing for frivolous items for both parties, where the other one is not allowed to question them, and having long term goals planned out, so there are no surprises. My last husband, think we had a rule where if either of us were going to spend over a certain dollar amount, we'd check in with the other first. I did the monthly budgeting and bill paying, and then we'd discuss things (like if we could afford to go to dinner, if he could get himself a new phone, etc.). There are a ton of rich people in Maine who wear old clothes and drive beat-up cars, my father-in-law was one of them. He'd wear his shoes out until the soles were falling off, and grouse about buying new ones.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 9:05 AM on September 2, 2021 [6 favorites]
From the perspective of someone with enough money to fulfill my personal needs, being frugal/cheap and spending money efficiently are different things. I picked up some frugalness from my parents and I've had to explicitly decide when it makes sense to spend money, and when it does not. Buying expensive luxury goods that are not much better than normal goods is mostly a status symbol and will probably only make you feel guiltier. It's also a very easy way to waste a lot of money because they're aimed at rich people who don't spend money rationally. But, turning your money into more free time, more security, and more unique experiences will probably make both you and your wife happier.
There is a lot of scientific evidence saying that experiences are the best way to turn money into happiness, and they also tend to help a lot of other people by spreading your wealth to others who need it. If you pick a medium-priced vacation or massage parlor, you are getting a valuable experience and are not wasting your money. Buying higher quality goods can also bring significant piece of mind and security, and that is a valuable thing. And paying other people (housekeepers/etc) to do things for you gives you more time and spreads your money to people who need it.
The key is to remember that spending money is not the same as wasting money. Yes, giving all of your money to an already-rich diamond manufacturer for a $1m dollar ring is a complete waste if you could get one 99% as good for $10k. But, spending moderate amounts of money on things that help both you and others is literally what money is for! So I would try to transfer some of the energy you use to be frugal and instead try to spend more efficiently.
posted by JZig at 9:06 AM on September 2, 2021 [3 favorites]
There is a lot of scientific evidence saying that experiences are the best way to turn money into happiness, and they also tend to help a lot of other people by spreading your wealth to others who need it. If you pick a medium-priced vacation or massage parlor, you are getting a valuable experience and are not wasting your money. Buying higher quality goods can also bring significant piece of mind and security, and that is a valuable thing. And paying other people (housekeepers/etc) to do things for you gives you more time and spreads your money to people who need it.
The key is to remember that spending money is not the same as wasting money. Yes, giving all of your money to an already-rich diamond manufacturer for a $1m dollar ring is a complete waste if you could get one 99% as good for $10k. But, spending moderate amounts of money on things that help both you and others is literally what money is for! So I would try to transfer some of the energy you use to be frugal and instead try to spend more efficiently.
posted by JZig at 9:06 AM on September 2, 2021 [3 favorites]
What works for us:
1) YNAB (You Need A Budget) or similar program, to help you understand your spending, curb what you decide to curb, and give yourself permission to spend without stress after you've planned
2) yours/mine/ours accounts, as a previous poster mentioned, so you're not second guessing each other's personal spending
posted by february at 9:15 AM on September 2, 2021 [1 favorite]
1) YNAB (You Need A Budget) or similar program, to help you understand your spending, curb what you decide to curb, and give yourself permission to spend without stress after you've planned
2) yours/mine/ours accounts, as a previous poster mentioned, so you're not second guessing each other's personal spending
posted by february at 9:15 AM on September 2, 2021 [1 favorite]
I think that 1) if we don't worry about money, we will spend it all
I think this is a really common mindset, not just among people who grew up poor or with immigrant parents. It's kind of classically middle-class, to view money as something to be squirreled away as insurance against future disaster. Your wife's attitude is also super-common, and of course money *is* for spending, ultimately. It's also incredibly common for couples to be in conflict over values around money, spending, saving, and investing.
I don't think you're wrong to be concerned at some level - OK, great, you're millionaires, but if you're spending 80k a year, one or two million dollars won't actually last you all that long if you lose your income (and this can happen for lots of reasons - job loss, obviously, but also disability, death, needing to step out of the workforce to care for a family member, etc.).
HOWEVER it doesn't sound like you're making your financial decisions based on an accurate understanding of your financial situation - you sound like you're acting on impulse. Some questions you should probably have the answers to:
If you can get a full understanding of your current financial situation and your future financial plans (which will change, of course, but the nice thing about money is you can use it for whatever you want), you can make decisions based on reason AND emotion, where right now it sounds like you're very impulse and emotion-driven.
My personal strategy is I pay a lot of attention to my fixed expenses (for me, this basically means my mortgage), I sock away $X each month in savings/retirement accounts/investments that I don't intend to withdraw from for years, and then I'm allowed to do whatever the hell I want with the rest of my money. After I pay my mortgage and my credit card bills (in full, every month) my checking account usually has under $100 in it. It's kind of like living paycheck-to-paycheck except I also have a big ol' cash cushion in the background if I need it. People call this method "pay yourself first" or an "unbudget". When I was more broke I stuck more closely to a budget, though.
posted by mskyle at 9:34 AM on September 2, 2021 [5 favorites]
I think this is a really common mindset, not just among people who grew up poor or with immigrant parents. It's kind of classically middle-class, to view money as something to be squirreled away as insurance against future disaster. Your wife's attitude is also super-common, and of course money *is* for spending, ultimately. It's also incredibly common for couples to be in conflict over values around money, spending, saving, and investing.
I don't think you're wrong to be concerned at some level - OK, great, you're millionaires, but if you're spending 80k a year, one or two million dollars won't actually last you all that long if you lose your income (and this can happen for lots of reasons - job loss, obviously, but also disability, death, needing to step out of the workforce to care for a family member, etc.).
HOWEVER it doesn't sound like you're making your financial decisions based on an accurate understanding of your financial situation - you sound like you're acting on impulse. Some questions you should probably have the answers to:
- How much money you have in your various accounts?
- How much debt?
- How much are your fixed, mandatory expenses (i.e. things like rent/mortgage, car payments, student loan payments, etc. - things you can't easily change) vs. your variable, optional expenses (i.e. vacations, clothes, food beyond the minimum)?
- Do you have future plans that are going to require money (e.g. kids, house, retirement)? How much money will you need to make those plans a reality?
If you can get a full understanding of your current financial situation and your future financial plans (which will change, of course, but the nice thing about money is you can use it for whatever you want), you can make decisions based on reason AND emotion, where right now it sounds like you're very impulse and emotion-driven.
My personal strategy is I pay a lot of attention to my fixed expenses (for me, this basically means my mortgage), I sock away $X each month in savings/retirement accounts/investments that I don't intend to withdraw from for years, and then I'm allowed to do whatever the hell I want with the rest of my money. After I pay my mortgage and my credit card bills (in full, every month) my checking account usually has under $100 in it. It's kind of like living paycheck-to-paycheck except I also have a big ol' cash cushion in the background if I need it. People call this method "pay yourself first" or an "unbudget". When I was more broke I stuck more closely to a budget, though.
posted by mskyle at 9:34 AM on September 2, 2021 [5 favorites]
I am not sure it is directly related to how you framed the question, but reading the book, The Millionaire Next Door, really helped me understand my relationship with money and my ex wife's.
posted by AugustWest at 9:35 AM on September 2, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by AugustWest at 9:35 AM on September 2, 2021 [1 favorite]
I wonder if it would help to reframe what your parents did - they were (and are) frugal in the low priority things but invested by spending money where it mattered the most to them (European vacations). What if you aimed to do the same? Ask yourself - what are places where spending money buys real value? and then give yourself permission to spend there.
The second part (which parents maybe don't have) is to get a sense of perspective. It was a liberating act of rebellion for me to decide to buy Kraft Mac & Cheese instead of the generic one because it tasted better! And it cost less than $1.50 more! Even if it was 50% more expensive, it wasn't objectively that much more. On the other hand, buying a house, a car, signing up for a gajillion of media sources each with a monthly fee - those are different ways that things add up to big enough numbers that it makes sense to be careful.
My third thought, like many other posters, is that it might help to put your spending in context to have a really clear idea of the big picture of how you are doing financially. Find out where is a safe reserve to take care of your family in the long term and track how you are doing at getting to that number. Have a conversation with your wife about what you need money for - both short, medium and long term. (new car, new house, college for kids, retirement) and set up a plan that you can agree on and monitor. And then give yourself permission to spend the part that you don't need to save as long as you feel you are getting value (including the value of pleasure and good memories).
posted by metahawk at 10:13 AM on September 2, 2021
The second part (which parents maybe don't have) is to get a sense of perspective. It was a liberating act of rebellion for me to decide to buy Kraft Mac & Cheese instead of the generic one because it tasted better! And it cost less than $1.50 more! Even if it was 50% more expensive, it wasn't objectively that much more. On the other hand, buying a house, a car, signing up for a gajillion of media sources each with a monthly fee - those are different ways that things add up to big enough numbers that it makes sense to be careful.
My third thought, like many other posters, is that it might help to put your spending in context to have a really clear idea of the big picture of how you are doing financially. Find out where is a safe reserve to take care of your family in the long term and track how you are doing at getting to that number. Have a conversation with your wife about what you need money for - both short, medium and long term. (new car, new house, college for kids, retirement) and set up a plan that you can agree on and monitor. And then give yourself permission to spend the part that you don't need to save as long as you feel you are getting value (including the value of pleasure and good memories).
posted by metahawk at 10:13 AM on September 2, 2021
but still spend what I think is a ton of money (avg $7k a month over last 5 years for just two people).
That is a ton of spending for just two people. I agree with others that you really need to figure out your financial position with the list mskyle posted. You say you scrutinize every purchase over $50, but that's the equivalent of 140 ($7000/50) decisions every month for 5 years = 8400 , or 4 per day! Are you really, or are you really just questioning your wife's purchases?
posted by The_Vegetables at 10:39 AM on September 2, 2021 [3 favorites]
That is a ton of spending for just two people. I agree with others that you really need to figure out your financial position with the list mskyle posted. You say you scrutinize every purchase over $50, but that's the equivalent of 140 ($7000/50) decisions every month for 5 years = 8400 , or 4 per day! Are you really, or are you really just questioning your wife's purchases?
posted by The_Vegetables at 10:39 AM on September 2, 2021 [3 favorites]
if we don't worry about money, we will spend it all
I think this line of thinking is common to many people, regardless of bank balance or history. It's a type of gut instinct. Only you can decide whether it's a real risk for you.
Mr. Dash & I both grew up in lower/middle class families; mine took coupons to Burger King and drove, exactly once, to Disney world, bringing groceries with us. But, like your experience, education was highly valued & mostly paid.
Mr. Dash and I are now in or above your bracket. This happened without us noticing, to be honest. I lived hand-to-mouth in an expensive city in grad school, but I made it work. Over time, salaries increased, and our built-in tendencies did not radically change. Even now: we have one car, and are happy about the saved expense/opportunity cost/etc of that choice, even tho we could well afford a second car without thinking about it at all. We're just both built-in frugal enough that neither of us would want a second car just to sit there most of the time, doesn't "make sense" in a deep sense and so we don't. So over time, we've had a few more nice meals out, we have a housekeeper twice a month, but the bank balance keeps going up faster than we can think to spend it, and that is about our built-in sense of what makes sense to spend.
Our extended families have also experienced similar increases, and ... exhibit similar patterns. Even my closest older-gen relative, who is legit wealthy, can't spend it faster than it accumulates (and only from interest, now) at this point. It's actually a running joke, that relative's accountant is mad that the cruises (the effort to spend) got cancelled.
My point is, that once you're in the spot you're in, it's unlikey to the point of difficult to spend it all, because you are the same human with the same habits. I'm sure someone used to spending $50k/mo would scoff at our sums and would blow through them quickly, but I'm not them and they're not me.
My own bigger worry is now that there's an actual nest egg, I'm so, so aware of all the ways the entire pile can vanish in one day (mostly, health) and then no amount is "enough".
posted by Dashy at 10:49 AM on September 2, 2021 [2 favorites]
I think this line of thinking is common to many people, regardless of bank balance or history. It's a type of gut instinct. Only you can decide whether it's a real risk for you.
Mr. Dash & I both grew up in lower/middle class families; mine took coupons to Burger King and drove, exactly once, to Disney world, bringing groceries with us. But, like your experience, education was highly valued & mostly paid.
Mr. Dash and I are now in or above your bracket. This happened without us noticing, to be honest. I lived hand-to-mouth in an expensive city in grad school, but I made it work. Over time, salaries increased, and our built-in tendencies did not radically change. Even now: we have one car, and are happy about the saved expense/opportunity cost/etc of that choice, even tho we could well afford a second car without thinking about it at all. We're just both built-in frugal enough that neither of us would want a second car just to sit there most of the time, doesn't "make sense" in a deep sense and so we don't. So over time, we've had a few more nice meals out, we have a housekeeper twice a month, but the bank balance keeps going up faster than we can think to spend it, and that is about our built-in sense of what makes sense to spend.
Our extended families have also experienced similar increases, and ... exhibit similar patterns. Even my closest older-gen relative, who is legit wealthy, can't spend it faster than it accumulates (and only from interest, now) at this point. It's actually a running joke, that relative's accountant is mad that the cruises (the effort to spend) got cancelled.
My point is, that once you're in the spot you're in, it's unlikey to the point of difficult to spend it all, because you are the same human with the same habits. I'm sure someone used to spending $50k/mo would scoff at our sums and would blow through them quickly, but I'm not them and they're not me.
My own bigger worry is now that there's an actual nest egg, I'm so, so aware of all the ways the entire pile can vanish in one day (mostly, health) and then no amount is "enough".
posted by Dashy at 10:49 AM on September 2, 2021 [2 favorites]
Also want to add but not abuse edit: avg $7k a month over last 5 years for just two people
I took this to mean you've been tracking spending over years, and have a close view of your inputs and outputs. If not, that's some worthwhile time to spend.
(but $7k a month may well be pedestrian, servicing a $1M mortgage and living in the Bay Area, for example).
posted by Dashy at 10:52 AM on September 2, 2021
I took this to mean you've been tracking spending over years, and have a close view of your inputs and outputs. If not, that's some worthwhile time to spend.
(but $7k a month may well be pedestrian, servicing a $1M mortgage and living in the Bay Area, for example).
posted by Dashy at 10:52 AM on September 2, 2021
Track your spending. My credit union categorizes my debit card spending, though I mostly use 2 other credit cards. Since the Pandemic began, I have used credit cards almost exclusively, so tracking spending is really easy. When you see where your money goes, you can make better decisions.
Set financial goals. When and how would you like to retire? What purchases would you like to plan for - vacation home, boat, vacation, etc. You have big incomes; I recommend saving a lot so you have financial freedom. Interest rates are so low that having a mortgage makes sense, but I'd save enough to feel that my home was essentially paid for. Then save enough so that retiring really early is possible, even if I chose not to. Will you want to support aging parents? Plan for that. One result of planning and budgeting is that when you go out for the expensive meal, you can show that it's in the entertainment budget for the month, avoiding much of the conflict.
posted by theora55 at 11:33 AM on September 2, 2021
Set financial goals. When and how would you like to retire? What purchases would you like to plan for - vacation home, boat, vacation, etc. You have big incomes; I recommend saving a lot so you have financial freedom. Interest rates are so low that having a mortgage makes sense, but I'd save enough to feel that my home was essentially paid for. Then save enough so that retiring really early is possible, even if I chose not to. Will you want to support aging parents? Plan for that. One result of planning and budgeting is that when you go out for the expensive meal, you can show that it's in the entertainment budget for the month, avoiding much of the conflict.
posted by theora55 at 11:33 AM on September 2, 2021
I was raised similarly (though it sounds at lower socioeconomic class and you have to go to my great-grandparents generation before you find any immigrants). My partner sounds more like your wife. We were both raised middle class, but I am currently much better off financially in terms of savings. And it really comes down, mostly, to the fact that he regularly does impulse buys (eg. "ooh, this shoe store I like is having a sale" or if he's going for a walk, odds are good he'll buy some edible treat). Whereas my parents and I are inclined to never buy anything unless we have to - like, I'm only going to look into buying a pair of shoes when my current pair is no longer functional.
You don't say how you arrange money in your relationship, but if everything is pooled, then I think the only solution is to have an "impulse" budget that will likely need to be a compromise. But yeah, 7k a month does sounds like a hell of a lot to me.
posted by coffeecat at 12:55 PM on September 2, 2021
You don't say how you arrange money in your relationship, but if everything is pooled, then I think the only solution is to have an "impulse" budget that will likely need to be a compromise. But yeah, 7k a month does sounds like a hell of a lot to me.
posted by coffeecat at 12:55 PM on September 2, 2021
Best answer: I think what's important is to separate needs & wants from the conversation about budgets. You don't say what your wife's experience was growing up, but growing up with scarcity as a child can really do a dooz on your self-esteem. Children have a very hard time understanding the difference between "we don't have the money for that" and "you don't deserve that."
You may be accidentally making her feel judged or shameful, as in "my family never struggled with that, why do you?" -- living without a safety net makes people make wild choices and learn weird lessons about money.
People deciding what is too much to spend here in this thread have no idea about the ins and outs of your lives, how you are leveraged, etc. So I don't know if you're going to get good perspective on what sounds like too much/not enough.
Also this sounds a lot like you are possibly more concerned with what your parents think about how you spend your money than your partner? If I were her I might be a bit hurt that you're prioritizing your parents assumptions and desires for you over her own happiness and comfort. I think most of the fights I've had with my husband about money were actually way more about how I felt he didn't care about my needs or try to understand them. He was trying to apply his background to my perspective and it was very painful. It's great that you can see that you have a divergence of perspective here!
It's really important that you are BOTH comfortable with how you are spending.
Maybe what you can do is try to make your concerns more objective. Do you need to "generally worry about money" to protect yourself from financial catastrophe? Because that to me, sounds more like anxiety than worry... it sounds like magical thinking and potentially even suffering for no reason (millionaires hand washing their clothes sounds a bit extreme to me, personally). What if instead, you set yourself a reasonable budget that objectively showed you that you weren't doomed to financial disaster? And were willing to listen to your wife on things that she needed for her comfort and incorporating them?
Also, regarding your sense of guilt, can you dig in there? Is it just in your brain or are your parents reinforcing that? It sounds like you are quite worried about letting your parents down, but you aren't a child anymore and it also sounds like they worked quite hard because they wanted you to be happy, comfortable, and secure. You and your wife both deserve that, and it's hard work to manage! But you're worth it.
posted by pazazygeek at 1:39 PM on September 2, 2021 [5 favorites]
You may be accidentally making her feel judged or shameful, as in "my family never struggled with that, why do you?" -- living without a safety net makes people make wild choices and learn weird lessons about money.
People deciding what is too much to spend here in this thread have no idea about the ins and outs of your lives, how you are leveraged, etc. So I don't know if you're going to get good perspective on what sounds like too much/not enough.
Also this sounds a lot like you are possibly more concerned with what your parents think about how you spend your money than your partner? If I were her I might be a bit hurt that you're prioritizing your parents assumptions and desires for you over her own happiness and comfort. I think most of the fights I've had with my husband about money were actually way more about how I felt he didn't care about my needs or try to understand them. He was trying to apply his background to my perspective and it was very painful. It's great that you can see that you have a divergence of perspective here!
It's really important that you are BOTH comfortable with how you are spending.
Maybe what you can do is try to make your concerns more objective. Do you need to "generally worry about money" to protect yourself from financial catastrophe? Because that to me, sounds more like anxiety than worry... it sounds like magical thinking and potentially even suffering for no reason (millionaires hand washing their clothes sounds a bit extreme to me, personally). What if instead, you set yourself a reasonable budget that objectively showed you that you weren't doomed to financial disaster? And were willing to listen to your wife on things that she needed for her comfort and incorporating them?
Also, regarding your sense of guilt, can you dig in there? Is it just in your brain or are your parents reinforcing that? It sounds like you are quite worried about letting your parents down, but you aren't a child anymore and it also sounds like they worked quite hard because they wanted you to be happy, comfortable, and secure. You and your wife both deserve that, and it's hard work to manage! But you're worth it.
posted by pazazygeek at 1:39 PM on September 2, 2021 [5 favorites]
Are you and your wife on the same page about your long term financial goals? If not, I think you both may find it initially more comfortable to discuss future financial goals over present ones. I think it would be easier for you to find common ground that in the future you both want to be "comfortable" (financially, and otherwise).
Moreover, I think you may find it helpful to use the "pay yourself first" method. Once you and your wife are in full agreement of long term financial goals, have that amount from your paychecks automatically deposited in a separate account. This can make it easier to stress less about spending patterns from the "fun money" account, because your long term goals are already accounted for.
posted by oceano at 3:32 PM on September 2, 2021
Moreover, I think you may find it helpful to use the "pay yourself first" method. Once you and your wife are in full agreement of long term financial goals, have that amount from your paychecks automatically deposited in a separate account. This can make it easier to stress less about spending patterns from the "fun money" account, because your long term goals are already accounted for.
posted by oceano at 3:32 PM on September 2, 2021
This thread is closed to new comments.
Your wife just has a different value set (unless her spending is causing immediate troubles).
I don't have any specific references, but you should be looking at "how couples talk about money" resources, not "I'm a 2nd generation immigrant afraid of spending money" resources. Your goal is to reconcile how to understand the differences between your value sets regarding money.
Now, this may result in you taking on some of your wife's values which are less frugal, or your wife may take on some of your frugality, or there may be some mix of the two. But your goal should be on working together.
posted by AzraelBrown at 8:49 AM on September 2, 2021 [2 favorites]