How to slow down and enjoy life when we're so busy with the day to day?
August 25, 2021 6:18 PM   Subscribe

Life seems to be flying by and I want to enjoy the journey, not just the destination. We're especially busy in our lives right now which makes it feel like all our energy just goes towards getting through the day. How do you slow down and enjoy it, here and now?

We recently had our first child last year, we're both working really hard at our jobs, have no family support in the area, and find ourselves totally wiped at the end of each day. Yet we have a happy healthy child, we're healthy ourselves, happy with our careers, financially stable, and in a good place. It feels like we have so much on our plates right now that all we can do is get by day to day, but I also feel so fortunate, like our lives are pretty darn perfect, and it's only going to get more busy when hopefully additional kids follow the first.

We usually wrap up the day with doing the dishes and walking the dogs by 9pm, leaving us just enough time to get into bed at a reasonable hour, or more usually hanging out for a bit, watching an episode of something on Netflix, and getting to bed at an unreasonable hour. It's tough because this time at night feels like the only time we have together as a couple, but we don't really utilize it to connect very well given our fatigue, which is further exacerbated by us staying up too late (I usually get 6-7 hours of sleep). I think this is a definite spot in which we could improve, thus allowing to get through our days with a bit more ease.

It's especially rough when we're home from work and there's a million things to do that it feels like we work non-stop after working non-stop at work. I guess this is just what it is to be a parent? We outsource cleaning every other week but not much else. Would be willing to do more outsourcing if it'd be helpful but not exactly sure what might be worth it for us. We haven't been keeping up much with our hobbies, it feels like we've been too busy, but probably not a good excuse.

With all this in mind, how do you slow down and enjoy the day to day moments in your life? What sort of tips do you have to facilitate the daily grind when it feels like the list of things on your plate is never-ending? I'm familiar with mindfulness, and have found this to be very helpful for me in the past, but have lost touch with that practice, so perhaps that would be a good place to start.
posted by masters2010 to Human Relations (14 answers total) 33 users marked this as a favorite
 
For me anyway those day to day moments are just that, moments. Your kid will do something and that moment will stick as the memorable thing that happened that day. You and your partner will connect over something and that'll be another moment. I will say that I usually don't get those moments when I'm in front of a screen so I try to cut down on that when I'm around my family.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 7:24 PM on August 25, 2021 [1 favorite]


Write it down. Even if it's just a line or two.
posted by MonkeyToes at 7:36 PM on August 25, 2021 [8 favorites]


I try to touch a new texture every day. It brings me back into the present moment and makes me more aware of the natural world. Given your life stage it might be unrealistic to suggest catching a sunrise or sunset; that might not be your thing. But it always helps me.

An interesting puddle, plant, or dew drops on a blade of grass also work. Observing the natural world tends to give me a boost.

Texture ideas include: brick walls, tree bark, pinecone, stucco, pineapple, rope, cotton ball, etc.
posted by Juniper Toast at 8:58 PM on August 25, 2021 [2 favorites]


Sit down together at the table all together (maybe baby in lap). Take a minute for each person to share a good memory from the day.
posted by metahawk at 9:07 PM on August 25, 2021 [1 favorite]


This sounds really stupid, but actually has worked for me as somebody who has so much trouble getting in touch with my feelings that I've been working on it in therapy (along with a bunch of other stuff).

Anyway, my therapist told me about the feelings wheel. The idea is you just look at it and try to verbalise what you're feeling. The words and structure on the wheel helps me to do this in a way that just stopping and trying to introspect doesn't work. I have a couple of pieces of paper with this printed out on them and just have them in places I commonly go or look, like the fridge or by my bed or on the desktop of my computer, and when I see them I stop and try to label my feelings.

Like I said, it sounds dumb and hokey but even just that little bit of a handful to a dozen times a day of stopping and asking myself what I'm feeling -- well, it seems less like things are passing me by and I'm more grounded in the now.
posted by sir jective at 10:51 PM on August 25, 2021 [13 favorites]


Try and avoid the time-suck of constant devices, constantly on, constantly with you. We have normalised having phones in pockets and taking the phone out for a quick glance here and there...but every glance takes you away from the moment you are in. If at all possible, place cell phones, ipad etc in a basket by the door (ringers/ dingers/ bells etc off) when you get home. Ignore.

Along the same lines, ditch the netflix and ditch screen-based entertainment. Even if you just sit on the couch and look at each other for 4 minutes then, exhausted, go to bed, that's a win. It will feel weird at first, but your evenings might start to feel open and free. And - most importantly - slow(er).
posted by lulu68 at 1:05 AM on August 26, 2021 [16 favorites]


Piquet before bed. [Rules] A stately card game, played with a short 32 card deck. With formal frenchified language, it is like dancing a minuet with your beloved and requires just as much thinking as to de-clutter the mind of quotidian cares. Not guaranteed to help when hopefully additional kids follow the first but . . .
posted by BobTheScientist at 2:15 AM on August 26, 2021 [1 favorite]


Take turns reading to each other. Poems, short stories, novels, whatever. That can be a very pleasant change of pace. Also consider creating little rituals around things, which is super helpful when you have children anyway. I also remind myself that today, for example, is the only August 26, 2021 that I will ever have. It may be just another Thursday but it’s also the only particular Thursday of its kind. And when I remember that, I try to stop briefly and think about just one or two things that I’m grateful for on this unique Thursday.
posted by Bella Donna at 5:08 AM on August 26, 2021 [6 favorites]


I came to suggest writing a few lines every day.

A friend of mine recently showed me a series of photos taken out of his window every morning. Same view, same time, different seasons. It's very cool and it really captures the passing of time. Maybe something like that?
posted by BibiRose at 5:33 AM on August 26, 2021 [1 favorite]


I'm in exactly the same boat. I have really given up on the idea of savoring these days in some way. I just expect that eventually things will slow down and I'll have more time for reflection and mindful experience. That being said, if you are going to attempt to savor a moment each day, my suggestion is trying it when away from the family. Maybe while at work. The hubub at home is sooo overwhelming, I can occasionally steal a moment during the workday to just be or connect with myself. It doesn't happen very often, though. This is a busy, exhausting stage in a way that I didn't expect. I feel ya!
posted by rglass at 7:10 AM on August 26, 2021 [1 favorite]


First of all, this pandemic has completely blown everything up, so you aren't alone in this. Married 15 years with 3 kids and the past year and a half or so has hands down been the worst. I read that we've basically been stuck in "fight or flight" mode because of so many unknowns, so it's totally reasonable to feel adrift.

That said, here are some quick tips that work for us:
* make sure you and your partner have a way to communicate your needs and when you aren't feeling connected and in sync. We have an analogy of being "on the boat together" vs. "drowning" when we are feeling overwhelming or disconnected.
* if something isn't "scheduled", it probably won't happen. Don't plan every minute, but make sure you and your partner are on the same page each morning. Schedule "date nights" to reconnect. What you do is less important than the fact you are dedicating time to each other
* eat dinner together at the table and with no screens allowed
* take a walk or just sit outside for a few minutes so you have a "commute" and can mentally switch between work and home mode
* for me, having a ($20 Wyze) smartwatch means I don't need my phone on me and be very selective about what notifications I get (hardly any). Much easier to be present without a phone
* life is all the stuff that happens in between. You can't slow it down (and it just gets faster as you get older), so move with the current instead of against it. Be prepared, but be flexible
posted by hankscorpio83 at 7:30 AM on August 26, 2021 [1 favorite]


In case you feel like you have to take photos of your kiddo all the time, or you just end up doing it anyway: just don't do this so much. Leave your phone elsewhere. The grandparents/friends/neighbors will survive without regular photos.

Also, you have an infant. And you say you don't have much time for your hobbies, and you feel like this is an excuse. I think it's great to want to take time to enjoy life. But, friend, having two parents working full-time and caring for an infant is A LOT. Please cut yourself some slack. Spend some time loving on your baby, and try to spend some time loving on your partner, and just know that no matter how it seems others are doing, this isn't a time of life where you're doing much except go go go. If you're in the US, well, other countries would have you both at home for six-month stints, you know? Do everything you can to simplify your life.

Having a second kid isn't 1+1, either. A second kid is 1X10. Right now you have the ratio (2:1) and only need to care for the needs of one child at a time. Be thoughtful in your decision to have another.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:35 AM on August 26, 2021 [1 favorite]


It's hard and it being hard doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. My kids are 7 and 3 and I still toggle rapidly between "life is beautiful!" vs. "life is bananas" many times in the same day. Also, I'm sorry to report that things probably won't ever feel like they're truly slowing down, especially when the kiddos are in school. Parents are not just invoking clichés when they talk wistfully about feeling like you started kindergarten just yesterday. My oldest started K in 2019 and I have been positively alarmed at how her school days are making time feel like it is blowing past me. I felt like her first five years passed at just about the right pacing, not fast or slow, but starting school really changes things. I really do feel like I'm getting better at savoring moments, though. It is a constant discipline.

Things that have been helpful for me in no particular order:

* Plugging my phone in an out-of-the-way spot on silent and not carrying in around my pocket, even more so when kids are awake. I don't succeed very often but I'm always happier when I do.
* Leaving it at home when I go on walks. That's right, no music or podcasts or phone calls or anything, just walking. I feel like I've been given a horse tranquilizer when I get home. In a good way!
* Not taking it to the bathroom (ugh, this is so so dumb but it really helps my day feel less fragmented). Scrolling in the bathroom is not a proper break!
* Taking social media apps off my phone or else I will escape into and numb out on Instagram like craaaaaaazy at every opportunity.
* Reading paper books whenever I can, instead of on my Kindle or Kindle app. I read more slowly when I do and remember my progress better.
* Doing something intentional with the kids after dinner... usually it's something ultra-simple like hanging in the backyard, riding scooters, watching a show or movie, or reading together.
* Getting outside as much as possible in general helps a ton... lately I often find myself sitting on the front steps after work is done watching the wind in the trees, or lingering by my neighbor's garden after taking the trash out or whatever. My breathing automatically slows and I feel calmer and notice more things.
* Even having the car windows down while I drive helps me feel way more connected to the outside world the sun and breeze remind me that I am ALIVE and not just a nonstop automaton being transported in a bubble to yet another task.
* Journaling or even just jotting a sentence or two about what you did that day is great if you can manage it, I don't find it helps me that much in the actual moment of writing but I am always deeply moved by my own life when I go back and reread old entries.
* The household to-do list is always gonna be endless so I set timers and work flat-out for no more than 20 minutes. I get a LOT done in that time if I'm really hustling. Then I consider myself off the clock for the rest of the night.
* I go to bed right after my kids do. I know this seems counterintuitive, but extra sleep is truly like a superpower. I get through my tasks faster the next day (and I don't add more to the list when I finish!) and I'm in a better mood about them, which helps with the "enjoying my life" headspace.
* Seasonal bucket lists. At the beginning of each season (let's say summer as an example), I answer the question, "If I'm sitting here on Labor Day looking back at my last three months, what would I have done that made it feel most enjoyable and worthwhile?" I purposely keep it extremely short and I put maybe 3-5 things total that I want to be intentional about scheduling and holding space for and that it. I make sure there are some for just ME, and some for my family.
posted by anderjen at 10:23 AM on August 27, 2021 [2 favorites]


I might suggest combining a few of the excellent ideas above: sit with your partner and write something extremely short, and then share it with each other. (You could do two, if you wanted - one for yourself alone, and one to share.)

Lynda Barry's 5-minute thing can be a good way into this.

Also, I've been trying little three-breath mini meditations throughout the day: whenever I remember, in the middle of doing anything else, take a few seconds to be mindful:

breath 1: be mindful of myself in this moment (the feeling of washing dishes, the pleasure or tedium of the work I'm doing, my pleasure in the TV show I'm watching)
breath 2: be mindful of my connection to others in this moment (the people who grew the food I ate, my work clients, the people who made the show and all the other people who get to enjoy it)
breath 3: be mindful of the uniqueness of this moment (this exact dishwashing moment, work moment, viewing moment will never happen again)

Good luck! Remember self-compassion along with the mindfulness.
posted by kristi at 10:27 AM on August 27, 2021 [2 favorites]


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