The Noise Problem Is Coming from INSIDE the House!...

August 13, 2021 5:34 PM

Since moving to a smaller space, my roommate and I have discovered that our different tolerances for each others' noise are a bit more of an issue. Help me try to accommodate him while still satisfying me.

My roommate is a good deal more sensitive to noise than I am, and has keener hearing; my own hearing is on the low end of "normal", I would say (I sometimes don't hear things if the volume is too low). Our old apartment was large enough that this was only occasionally an issue - if I was listening to music or watching a video in my room on my computer, and he was in his office at the other end of the apartment, he didn't hear me and it was fine. If I was in the living room right next to his office, he would hear me, and did ask me to wear headphones if I was watching TV while he was home, but otherwise the distance mitigated noise levels. He also has headphones for his own stuff and regularly puts them on to help him focus on what he's watching and also not distract me.

Our new apartment is laid out way differently- we are in a smaller space overall, and it is a duplex. He has taken over the downstairs of the duplex - and there is no door he can shut to muffle noise. You get to his space via a spiral staircase that leads from the main living room down to his room, and it is not easy to rig up any kind of curtain or such around the space. We looked into noise-dampening curtains but couldn't quite figure out how to rig them up in such a way that they wouldn't a) be fiddly to hang, or b) wouldn't be otherwise obnoxious for him to have to heave aside otherwise. So we're kind of stuck with my doors being the only ones that can shut. But I tried watching a video in my bedroom with the door shut, and he told me he could still hear it - even when he had on his OWN headphones. Noise carries way more easier in this space, and it is also smaller, so noise is a bit more of a concern.

The problem is that...while I tolerate the headphones, I really don't like them. I want to be able to have music playing softly in the background while I'm reading or something; the headphones we got for when I was watching TV in the old place just felt big and cumbersome, but since it was just while I was watching TV, I dealt with it. For when I'm around the house just chilling I know I'd come to hate something so big and clunky. At the same time, though, I don't want to be That Guy and insist that he just deal with my noise bleed.

(We also have some confirmation that my own hearing is just plain not as keen as his - I learned today that he put up a dart board in his space 2 days ago and had been practicing darts in the evenings, and I had no idea because I heard NONE of it.)

So - is there a headphone I could be more comfortable with? Or is there something else he could do that could mitigate the noise bleed more? Or should I just learn to suck it up?

posted by EmpressCallipygos to Home & Garden (34 answers total)

I mean, it sucks but I don’t think I’ve ever lived with roommates and expected to be unable to hear any noise emanating from their bedroom while they are watching a movie, talking on the phone, having sex, whatever. This includes even with the door closed! I don’t think it’s reasonable to ask you to wear headphones whenever you want to watch a movie or listen to music, and it seems like you’ve done every other reasonable thing you could do to make it easier for him. This might just be a situation where the layout of this space isn’t working for him.
posted by cakelite at 5:43 PM on August 13, 2021 [13 favorites]

Looks like there are sound-reducing doors. Here's my top search result.
posted by aniola at 5:46 PM on August 13, 2021

This is a basic one more than a lifehack, but does the place have carpets? If not, putting down rugs or runners in the common areas will help impede noise's ability to travel. Also: more stuff on the walls, esp. bookshelves.

Lastly, as someone sensitive to noise, I've gotten more noise-reduction mileage out of a $30 box fan, set to low or medium, than any number of fancy earplugs. I can't hear someone speaking to me in the next room with the door open. I still use it when it's cold, just pointed orthogonally to me.
posted by Beardman at 5:50 PM on August 13, 2021 [12 favorites]

Try to add as many soft, sound absorbing materials to the apartment as possible. Carpets, upholstered items, curtains, etc all help to muffle noise by degrading the sound waves. If you're in your room listening to TV or music, a rolled towel or draft blocker across the door bottom works very well.

Also, because you mentioned that your hearing isn't optimal and you didn't hear your housemate playing darts, I wanted to share that I've had a good many peers in my Gen X/early Millennials cohort get hearing aids. For some, they described things like what you described and after getting hearing aids, realized that they had been missing a lot. It's worth getting your hearing checked to make sure you're not needing aids. Using tools to compensate for lost hearing will preserve the parts of your brain that are dedicated to hearing and reduces your risk of developing dementia .
posted by quince at 5:54 PM on August 13, 2021 [12 favorites]

So - is there a headphone I could be more comfortable with?

What kind of headphones do you use/like currently? For me, switching to wireless (bluetooth) headphones made a big difference in being able to forget that I'm using them. But my most comfortable pair when listening for really long periods is still the cheap old USB headset that I got for work, because it is incredibly light, and has foam-padded earpieces that sit gently on the ear (rather than in-the-ear or around-the-ear) and don't interfere with my normal hearing. (Unfortunately, this particular model isn't available anymore and I don't know of a good equivalent.)

Headphone preferences differ a lot from person to person, but I think there's a good chance you could find a style that works well for you. Consider whether you'd benefit most from improvements in weight, ear fit, sound quality, wireless freedom, or some combination of the above. The best audio quality and battery life come from somewhat expensive headphones, but cheap ones can sometimes be just as comfortable physically.
posted by mbrubeck at 5:57 PM on August 13, 2021 [1 favorite]

is there a gap under your door? block it! it will transmit a shocking amount of sound. a draft blocker like this will do wonders.
posted by clockwork at 5:57 PM on August 13, 2021 [3 favorites]

Instead of headphones, some external speakers placed so they will be directly on each side of your head when you are in your tv watching spot might work. You won't need to turn the volume up nearly as much as speakers that are further away.
posted by yohko at 6:00 PM on August 13, 2021 [4 favorites]

To folks who are suggesting solutions that work with doors, please read the OP carefully. There are no doors.
posted by QuakerMel at 6:03 PM on August 13, 2021

He will never not be able to hear you clearly in this building barring major construction. If you both really like each other it may be worth the cost to break the lease to find a better place.

Try bone conduction headphones?

The higher the noise in his area, the harder it will be to hear you.
posted by flimflam at 6:07 PM on August 13, 2021

It's worth doing some cheap white noise experiments, at various places between the two areas and bouncing it in various directions off different walls and ceilings. Ideally one of you already has a bluetooth speaker and then you can use the myNoise app to play over it, and then if you do find an angle that works you can then worry about getting an always-on option.

If you identify certain walls as extra-good sound bouncers, you should be able to get some softening by hanging a cheap blackout curtain on the wall, ideally from several hooks so it is crenellated to create more acoustic obfuscation.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:19 PM on August 13, 2021 [1 favorite]

I'm very sensitive to noise, and I love my white noise machine.
posted by Mavri at 6:20 PM on August 13, 2021 [2 favorites]

Could you agree on "quiet hours" in which you would wear headphones? And all other times are fair game? He can experiment with white noise, noise cancelling earphones or other methods to cope the rest of the time. It's not reasonable for him to expect complete silence all of the time.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 6:27 PM on August 13, 2021 [5 favorites]

Response by poster: We just had a discussion about this now; while I was typing this, I realized that the biggest thing I didn't like about the headphones I was using for the TV was that they were the big clunky over-ear kind, and I actually am happier with an earbud-type thing. I went to discuss that with him, and he immediately had ideas for some earbud-type headphones we could look for, including ones that could pair via bluetooth with just about everything.

We also expanded on our respective positions a little. He's not expecting monk-like silence, just something that muffles varied noise. He has a dehumidifier that's on the loud side and says he's actually okay with that going - it is a white noise after a while. (He joked that "also I notice other noises less when it's running....") so I could also talk to him about getting a white noise machine for when the dehumidifier isn't running.

I would actually be okay with earbuds on my end too; the headphones I got for the TV were just way too cumbersome and that was the biggest grudge I had against them.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:29 PM on August 13, 2021 [7 favorites]

I am in this circumstance, too, with my partner. He has earplugs and over-the-ear mufflers, like you’d use at a gun range. Active noise cancelling headphones (either over-ear or in-ear) could be part of a package of interventions where he accommodates you as well. He uses foam plugs, but I’ve seen much more comfortable options advertised, though with less noise-blocking power - Loop is one brand I remember.

My partner and I have scheduled times when I practice singing and he plugs up - or, if either of us is on the phone, we let the other know and the noise solutions help give the other a bigger measure of privacy in a small shared space. Good luck!
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 7:30 PM on August 13, 2021

Best answer: I lived in a similar situation for a while - I was in a shared apartment, and my room was blocked off by curtains rather than a door. I'm less sensitive to noise than your roommate but I still needed to focus or sleep sometimes.

Nothing really beats a white noise machine, IMO.

I've never met a dehumidifier that makes as much white noise as a good white noise machine, like the Dohm. Tied (or trailing closely) would be a noisy fan. Either one mad a big difference when it came to those not-too-loud, but still distracting, carrying noises from things like a TV or stereo. Doesn't do much for bass but it doesn't sound like you're listening to loud bass.

As far as headphones go, it looks like in-ear bluetooth earbuds have already occured to you. If you can find a pair that is comfortable they can be really nice. I use mine frequently even though I'm now living in my own house - it's just nice to have the sound follow me around.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 8:13 PM on August 13, 2021

I do want to suggest you may be well served to get your hearing checked. There's no way we can tell from what you've posted here, but I do have a friend who swears by her hearing aids (at 30) who basically said after she got them she was shocked to discover that she "could hear water". They're pretty unobtrusive and easy to use now.
posted by Lady Li at 8:29 PM on August 13, 2021 [3 favorites]

please read the OP carefully. There are no doors.
From the OP: So we're kind of stuck with my doors being the only ones that can shut.

Sounds like you're looking for headphone-type solutions, though. In which case, I recommend looking into the sort of hearing protection that construction workers use.

I lived underneath the bedroom of a roommate who said he was an extremely light sleeper, so he wore construction hearing protection and then couldn't hear anything when he had them on, and we were welcome to make as much noise as we wanted.
posted by aniola at 8:30 PM on August 13, 2021

Best answer: I have these Anker Soundcore Liberty Air earbuds and love them!
posted by ellieBOA at 11:42 PM on August 13, 2021 [2 favorites]

I would try and find someone selling bone conducting headsets at a place where you can try them for shape and size. I use a pair of aftershokz trekz airs for both listening to music and having meetings from my phone. The frame goes above the ear, but nothing sits on the outside like normal headphone cups or pads. Instead, they transmit sound from the bone in front of your ear.

I can wear them pretty much indefinitely, but do consider if the shape is going to get in the way if you listen while laying down on a pillow - they work, but put pressure in odd places until you find the right spot for the back piece.

They don't stop you hearing outside noise, but that seems like it isn't a concern. Other than that they're Bluetooth and they hold a charge for hours of listening time.
posted by How much is that froggie in the window at 1:19 AM on August 14, 2021

To expand on the "white noise machine" ideas - I think that's a possible solution. Sound Masking is A Thing mostly in commercial and office environments. Actual White Noise will have lots of high frequency sound and is quite harsh to the ear. Sound Masking uses a filtered version that reduces the high frequencies. Most white noise machines don't play true white noise as it is super annoying.

Sound Masking works better when there are three or more devices outputting the same type of noise, at a lower level. That makes it less easy to notice one machine making the noise, and helps the masking noise blend into the background.

I've made a cheap version of noise masking in a 1600 sq ft office by getting six of these Lectrofan Classic noise machines, and selecting one of the 20 presets that was able to mask noise without being annoying. All six are set to the same sound at a low level, it's not perfect but it approaches the feeling that the sound masking is easy to forget and ignore because it is everywhere yet nowhere.

For your music, instead of earbuds, what about using a small Bluetooth speaker for background noise? You could carry it with you so the music is still audible to you, but closer, music near your body as opposed to music filling a room, with less overall energy that can leak out of your room and head downstairs.

It pains me to say this because they are so expensive, but my spouse, someone extremely sensitive to noise and touch, has Apple's AirPods Pro and they have caused a huge quality of life improvement. They are almost weightless and don't cause the oppressive touch and heat of big headphones. The noise cancelling is quite good. Could you save up and each get a pair? Another recommendation for your roommate but not you, is to use a noise canceling headphone or AirPods, and instead of silence or music, play noise masking.

I heard of someone who hated sound of people on airplanes, but didn't like the head-in-a-pillow feeling of strong noise cancelling. Their solution was to use serious noise canceling headphones but play the sound of a flying but empty airplane back into them, enforcing the reality that they were on a plane, but creating the illusion that they are on a plane where all other passengers are completely silent.

I think your space is so challenging acoustically, that you'll need a layered approach. Small speaker or earbuds for you, draft blocker under the door, lots of soft carpet and drapes in common areas, sound masking machines, and noise cancelling for your roommate. At some point in this additive process the annoyance noise will drop below some threshold and peace will ensue.
posted by sol at 5:17 AM on August 14, 2021 [4 favorites]

I nth the white noise machine. We’ve had a few house fires around here and a couple were electrical appliance related. A portable AC in one case. Now I’m leery of just running things that could “burn out” or spark. So a constant humidifier or box fan might not be the solution. Especially since they are doing other functions. A white noise machine seems most direct and less likely to have mechanical issues.
posted by amanda at 5:39 AM on August 14, 2021

I agree with the suggestion that it's reasonable to advocate for some non-quiet hours each day. I'm sensitive to noise too, but I think it's too much to ask to never hear a roommate's noises. I'll also note that for me, if I know when to expect noise it's much less bothersome because then I can plan to either be out doing errands or doing some chore at home that doesn't require silence.
posted by coffeecat at 7:54 AM on August 14, 2021

It might help to figure out if there's a particular frequency range that's the problem here -- like bass, which is going to be a lot harder to solve with white noise machines but could be significantly lessened by simply adjusting audio controls. (Note that a lot of computer multimedia speaker systems have boosted bass for gaming oomph.)

Bass from TV shows and games heard (and felt) without the rest of the sound is especially annoying/distracting (not that hearing all the treble with it is a solution).

For that purpose it might be better to run your sound through an external receiver so you can select different speaker configurations and modes more easily -- like a two channel mode that uses lightweight satellite speakers only, which are going to have a much lighter frequency response, along with different signal processing modes to change the room sound. If you have more than one listening position but are always using the same monitor, you might be able to position 5.1 satellites such that you can use either the front or back set in stereo mode depending on whether you are at your desk or on the couch/in bed.

Going further, you can get a used digital equalizer with presets you can switch between. (Or an analog one if you like sliders and are only going to use it with one setting, or bypass it.)

If it is mostly bass that's the problem, you can also try pads and etc to decouple the speakers from the floor.
posted by snuffleupagus at 8:00 AM on August 14, 2021 [1 favorite]

For your roommate more than you - I recently got a pair of Loop earplugs to help mitigate some of my loud sound sensitivity and they’re great! They feel like wearing earbuds and they are low key stylish??

Could maybe be part of a meet in the middle situation, especially maybe if paired with a white noise machine.
posted by itsamermaid at 10:40 AM on August 14, 2021

Nthing white noise. IME air purifiers are useful to have for other reasons, and they make great white noise machines.
posted by oceano at 10:55 AM on August 14, 2021

One quick thought about earbuds vs bone conduction: I have smaller ear canals, so earbuds can get uncomfortable after a while (more than an hour). If you're in that category, the bone conducting headsets are nice and may be worth considering: they give my ears a break*, I hear everything around me so I don't feel cut off (which, if I'm not trying to block out the world is my personal preference). It could be a bit awkward if I was wearing glasses, but not too bad.

If you do consider them, then it's definitely worth finding a place you can try them on, as mentioned above. For sizing purposes, etc.

Oh, and they don't do bass well (for various reasons), so if that's important then they may not be your jam.

*The bone conducting headset will give me a headache if I wear all day: but then so do any pair of glasses I get. I'm just finicky. I find switching between the two headsets maximizes my comfort, but realize I am lucky I could afford to have both.
posted by ghost phoneme at 2:54 PM on August 14, 2021

In my experience noises from upstairs apartments tend to infiltrate downstairs more than vice versa. You may want to experiment with trading rooms.
posted by metasarah at 6:10 PM on August 14, 2021

What about if you swap rooms?
posted by Jubey at 8:33 PM on August 14, 2021 [3 favorites]

It's very nice of you to be willing to wear ear buds, but extended wearing of earbuds can damage your hearing and since you already seem to be experiencing some hearing loss I wouldn't want to exacerbate the issue
posted by brookeb at 10:42 PM on August 14, 2021

We also have some confirmation that my own hearing is just plain not as keen as his - I learned today that he put up a dart board in his space 2 days ago and had been practicing darts in the evenings, and I had no idea because I heard NONE of it.

How sure are you that you haven't spent the last few years slowly adapting to creeping hearing loss from wax buildup? You might be able to improve your relationship with your housemate and contribute to an utterly gross but oddly satisfying YouTube genre.
posted by flabdablet at 1:38 AM on August 15, 2021

Response by poster: Coming back in with a bit of an update and a question shift -

I got some wireless bluetooth earbuds yesterday, and that general thing will work perfectly. They are comfortable enough for me to wear, and to address those who fear that earbud use will further damage hearing, I have found that using them causes me to turn down the volume on what I'm listening to because it's right in my ear.

However, now the problem is that I've apparently chosen a brand that sucks dingo kidneys; I have to faff around for about five minutes with getting the bluetooth to play nicely with my computer each time I turn the damn things on. Well, they were cheap so I guess I got what I paid for; I'm chalking it up to a proof of concept and will go for a better brand now.

So: Can anyone recommend a set of wireless earbuds that can connect via bluetooth to more than one device, without my having to fuss around each and every time? I'd like to be able to use this with my TV, my computer, and possibly a Bose radio. No need for connecting them to my phone.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:09 AM on August 15, 2021

Response by poster: Adding the additional qualifier that I would like to have something that will not SPONTANEOUSLY POWER OFF, like mine just did.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:01 AM on August 15, 2021

Hey, the ones I suggested above can connect to multiple things, just make sure your phone isn’t connected when your computer is. They don’t spontaneously power off either!
posted by ellieBOA at 8:04 AM on August 15, 2021

Response by poster: Update and resolution:

So I reverted to using the over-ear phones we already had while I was trying to figure out the earbuds. And the other day I saw a video by a couple of ear/nose/throat doctors who strongly advocated for the over-ear kind of headphones over the earbuds, for various reasons; I think I may end up just keeping those headphones for the time being after all. It's been working out fine so far, and Best Buy refunded me the money for the crap ones and I'm good for now I think.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:18 AM on August 30, 2021