Embarrassed at my performance in a social league
August 4, 2021 10:59 PM Subscribe
My previous question was about joining a social sports league. Everyone was really good, much more than what I expected. I could tell that I was letting my team down a little bit and at this point I want to drop out.
I'm actually dreading that day because I have to go (I'm one of the only few females). I know everyone probably notices me fumbling around. I have no coordination and basically no experience at all. It was all to fast paced for me and honestly it's making my social anxiety flare up. Although the other members have been reassuring to me, telling me to just have fun, I can't help but feel like a burden.
How do you handle trying to push through feelings of embarrassment? Only a few more games to go!
I'm actually dreading that day because I have to go (I'm one of the only few females). I know everyone probably notices me fumbling around. I have no coordination and basically no experience at all. It was all to fast paced for me and honestly it's making my social anxiety flare up. Although the other members have been reassuring to me, telling me to just have fun, I can't help but feel like a burden.
How do you handle trying to push through feelings of embarrassment? Only a few more games to go!
The reason everyone was really good, and being supportive and telling you to have fun is because your performance was entirely normal and expected.
People aren't good at things when they first try them. If it looks like they are, it's generally because they've learned transferable skills in another context. People have to *learn* things.
The skill improvement in someone's first few sessions of *anything*, whether it's an instrument, art or sport, compared to when they've been doing it for a couple of years, is kind of ridiculous.
Your team aren't professionals. They're doing it for fun. They enjoy their hobby and want other people to join If there's too much pressure, it's not fun. If no beginners ever join, you end up with the team dying and that's no fun. People like to show other people how to do things, and to see their own and other people's progress. It's no fun for anyone *else* in an environment where beginners are discouraged, so no, they don't want to be on a team where they never have beginners who are still learning what to do, that would be a horrible environment for a social sports team.
Give yourself a few sessions to pick up the basics. When you start Judo, you spend like, the first 4 sessions at least, just learning how to fall down. Like just learning that. That's normal.
You could ask if there's more of a beginner's team, if you feel like it's a bad match, but the support of your team suggests you are functioning normally.
Social anxiety and fear doesn't get better when you give into it, but the really hard thing is, you don't want to persist in something that you genuinely don't enjoy just because you're facing your fears (unless you're working on the fear itself, in which case that can still sometimes be useful!). So, how about you decide - what's a number of times you could go along that would prove to yourself that you're not just giving up because of anxiety, but that you've given yourself a chance to actually get your bearings, and enjoy playing?
I mean, if you really only have a 'few' more games to go, maybe it's that?
Would part of you be really proud of yourself for sticking it out?
However many it is, definitely give yourself a big treat for trying it out! Giving into anxiety turns your life into a prison, and even if you tried something and didn't like it, you deserve all the kudos for putting yourself out there and trying it!
posted by Elysum at 11:40 PM on August 4, 2021 [8 favorites]
People aren't good at things when they first try them. If it looks like they are, it's generally because they've learned transferable skills in another context. People have to *learn* things.
The skill improvement in someone's first few sessions of *anything*, whether it's an instrument, art or sport, compared to when they've been doing it for a couple of years, is kind of ridiculous.
Your team aren't professionals. They're doing it for fun. They enjoy their hobby and want other people to join If there's too much pressure, it's not fun. If no beginners ever join, you end up with the team dying and that's no fun. People like to show other people how to do things, and to see their own and other people's progress. It's no fun for anyone *else* in an environment where beginners are discouraged, so no, they don't want to be on a team where they never have beginners who are still learning what to do, that would be a horrible environment for a social sports team.
Give yourself a few sessions to pick up the basics. When you start Judo, you spend like, the first 4 sessions at least, just learning how to fall down. Like just learning that. That's normal.
You could ask if there's more of a beginner's team, if you feel like it's a bad match, but the support of your team suggests you are functioning normally.
Social anxiety and fear doesn't get better when you give into it, but the really hard thing is, you don't want to persist in something that you genuinely don't enjoy just because you're facing your fears (unless you're working on the fear itself, in which case that can still sometimes be useful!). So, how about you decide - what's a number of times you could go along that would prove to yourself that you're not just giving up because of anxiety, but that you've given yourself a chance to actually get your bearings, and enjoy playing?
I mean, if you really only have a 'few' more games to go, maybe it's that?
Would part of you be really proud of yourself for sticking it out?
However many it is, definitely give yourself a big treat for trying it out! Giving into anxiety turns your life into a prison, and even if you tried something and didn't like it, you deserve all the kudos for putting yourself out there and trying it!
posted by Elysum at 11:40 PM on August 4, 2021 [8 favorites]
I would look at this as an obligation that has to be done. I think you did the right thing by signing up. It sounds like a league I played in where there have to be a minimum amount of females (or males) on the field/court/pitch at a time. They need you to be there.
I cannot speak for your teammates, but they sound like me. Sure, we want to win, that is why they keep score, but we did not care about the skill level of the players. We had novices and college athletes on our team. What we cared about was two things. One, having fun during the game and at the bar or wherever we gathered afterwards, and, two, that you showed up consistently and when you were there you tried you best. When your teammates are saying to just have fun, they mean it.
You're not a burden to them, you are not a liability, you are an asset because you contribute to the team camaraderie and you are a female.
Nothing to be embarrassed about. They all respect your efforts despite any awkwardness you may be feeling or demonstrating.
When you are in the game, if you want, sidle up to one of the better players and say, "Feel free to help me out here. I won't take it personally." That is sort of giving them permission to crowd your position and maybe take a ball that was yours so you don't have to.
posted by AugustWest at 11:43 PM on August 4, 2021
I cannot speak for your teammates, but they sound like me. Sure, we want to win, that is why they keep score, but we did not care about the skill level of the players. We had novices and college athletes on our team. What we cared about was two things. One, having fun during the game and at the bar or wherever we gathered afterwards, and, two, that you showed up consistently and when you were there you tried you best. When your teammates are saying to just have fun, they mean it.
You're not a burden to them, you are not a liability, you are an asset because you contribute to the team camaraderie and you are a female.
Nothing to be embarrassed about. They all respect your efforts despite any awkwardness you may be feeling or demonstrating.
When you are in the game, if you want, sidle up to one of the better players and say, "Feel free to help me out here. I won't take it personally." That is sort of giving them permission to crowd your position and maybe take a ball that was yours so you don't have to.
posted by AugustWest at 11:43 PM on August 4, 2021
I joined a community samba [drums not dance] school to fill in the one evening in my week when I had to be in town. I was absolutely hopeless compared to everyone else in the room. The worst part was the 10 minute tea&pee break when I had to be my retiring self rather than someone with a performative task to do. Two years later I was still kinda hopeless but not entirely useless. Somewhere, I have the t-shirt from when they voted me in as member rather than visitor.
On the pitch everyone looks to/at the goal scorers but the infrastructural team members are essential cogs. It hasn't got a samba beat, so didn't work for me but maybe singalong with Kate Bush Don't Give Up on league days?
posted by BobTheScientist at 2:54 AM on August 5, 2021 [1 favorite]
On the pitch everyone looks to/at the goal scorers but the infrastructural team members are essential cogs. It hasn't got a samba beat, so didn't work for me but maybe singalong with Kate Bush Don't Give Up on league days?
posted by BobTheScientist at 2:54 AM on August 5, 2021 [1 favorite]
I played recreational adult sports for years. Good teammates had two of the following three qualities: reliable, fun to hang out with/kind, good player. It was very rare that someone had all three traits. If you have a nice personality and are reliable (pay your fees, show up on time, don't bail on games at the last minute), you're a net positive for your team.
posted by emd3737 at 3:53 AM on August 5, 2021 [18 favorites]
posted by emd3737 at 3:53 AM on August 5, 2021 [18 favorites]
In terms of how to manage it, try and turn your attention away from yourself, and onto the others on the team. Watch them play, appreciate the great things they do, when the group's hanging out afterwards, make your conversation more: "That thing you did in the second half was amazing, great work!" rather than "I was terrible, I'm so sorry, you must wish I wasn't here." Not just because it might make you feel better, but it's also doing a favour for your team mates. Nobody wants to enjoy their game and then discover you spent the whole time feeling bad, to spend their social time reassuring you, worrying that you're not having fun. You help everyone by thinking about the rest of the team more than yourself and just letting your fine-but-not-brilliant play merge into the background.
FWIW, even from a practical point of view, it's worth giving it a few sessions and you might surprise yourself a bit. I once played in a social netball team. When I first started, and every time I went back after a few weeks off, I was a complete klutz, no hand-eye coordination at all. It was almost comical the way I'd leap for the ball and go sailing past it! But the second week, it was like my hand magically found the ball when I went for it, so much more easily. I'll be honest, I was never great at it, but there was definitely a clear improvement week on week for the first few weeks, which was quite gratifying. Especially because there's only a few weeks to go, I say push on and see what your initial learning curve is like. Celebrate every small achievement and improvement you see!
posted by penguin pie at 4:12 AM on August 5, 2021 [4 favorites]
FWIW, even from a practical point of view, it's worth giving it a few sessions and you might surprise yourself a bit. I once played in a social netball team. When I first started, and every time I went back after a few weeks off, I was a complete klutz, no hand-eye coordination at all. It was almost comical the way I'd leap for the ball and go sailing past it! But the second week, it was like my hand magically found the ball when I went for it, so much more easily. I'll be honest, I was never great at it, but there was definitely a clear improvement week on week for the first few weeks, which was quite gratifying. Especially because there's only a few weeks to go, I say push on and see what your initial learning curve is like. Celebrate every small achievement and improvement you see!
posted by penguin pie at 4:12 AM on August 5, 2021 [4 favorites]
One possible way your teammates feel is “oh, yes! Someone who is new to my favorite thing! They’re doing so much better than me when I started. I can’t wait to talk to them about that wild move the other team made.” If they were feeling super competitive, they wouldn’t be in the social league, and if they are super competitive, *they’re* in the wrong league, not you.
posted by tchemgrrl at 4:36 AM on August 5, 2021 [10 favorites]
posted by tchemgrrl at 4:36 AM on August 5, 2021 [10 favorites]
Understanding how to be a beginner is a very valuable skill. Stick it out for your own benefit to reinforce your understanding of how skills are acquired, how to empathize with other beginners in your future endeavors, how to behave as a teammate in situations where you aren’t the MVP. The knowledge and personal growth you gain from this will be applicable across every part of your life. I’ve used this skill set to make a challenging post-motherhood career switch into a new industry for better pay, to train great committed employees, to try new sports and have adventures I’d never considered within my realm of expertise, and to take the leap into local government. A humble, enthusiastic approach creates long term allies that want you to succeed in every aspect of your life, and helps you to grow into a better support for other people doing the same thing.
posted by chuke at 5:59 AM on August 5, 2021 [13 favorites]
posted by chuke at 5:59 AM on August 5, 2021 [13 favorites]
There are some rec sports league where everyone is actually pretty damn good and really wants to win. That does happen. However those groups also tend to be pretty gatekeeper-y to join, even if it’s a rec league.
If you’re in this team, you’re good enough to be there (and or it’s the kind of team that actually doesn’t care how good you are).
posted by raccoon409 at 6:06 AM on August 5, 2021 [2 favorites]
If you’re in this team, you’re good enough to be there (and or it’s the kind of team that actually doesn’t care how good you are).
posted by raccoon409 at 6:06 AM on August 5, 2021 [2 favorites]
the other members have been reassuring to me, telling me to just have fun
This is key! They're there to have fun - they may have more skills, but they just appreciate you being there and want you to have fun.
I did a co-ed rec soccer league a couple years ago with my then-fiancé. He had no soccer experience, whereas I played all through school and am a goalie. He was a little embarrassed by his fumbling, but stayed in and played through it and everyone had fun because ultimately we were there to socialize.
However, for future rec leagues, I'd look at something less athletic if you're looking for mainly socialization. We did a rec bocce league a few years ago and made a very close friend in our team of total strangers.
posted by DoubleLune at 7:46 AM on August 5, 2021 [1 favorite]
This is key! They're there to have fun - they may have more skills, but they just appreciate you being there and want you to have fun.
I did a co-ed rec soccer league a couple years ago with my then-fiancé. He had no soccer experience, whereas I played all through school and am a goalie. He was a little embarrassed by his fumbling, but stayed in and played through it and everyone had fun because ultimately we were there to socialize.
However, for future rec leagues, I'd look at something less athletic if you're looking for mainly socialization. We did a rec bocce league a few years ago and made a very close friend in our team of total strangers.
posted by DoubleLune at 7:46 AM on August 5, 2021 [1 favorite]
Your situation is one of the biggest challenges in adult co-ed sports. You are very likely more valuable to your team than you imagine, especially if the league requires a certain number of women on the field. Your teammates sound, from your description, like they are willing to give you time to get better, and that will only happen if you keep at it.
My suggestions would include:
Speak to other female teammates and describe your mindset, they will likely share your perspective. they might also know of opportunities for you to play on a gender specific team.
Ask someone on your team for tips on how to make the most of what they observe to be your strengths. pick someone whom you trust
Set a goal for yourself each game, one that you can see yourself achieving. Make one perfect pass, be in the right position as often as possible, something like that.
Find a way to brush off failures and little mistakes -- everyone makes them, all the time. letting them go will help you improve.
Most players have been in your shoes. I have always used the "obligation" associated with being on a team as a motivator to get off the couch. The games only happen if the players show up for them, so each player is contributing to the fun being had by all. Look around you and hopefully you will see smiles after the games, and teammates who were happy to have played. You helped make this happen, and likely next season there will be a player newer than you, facing the same struggle, and you can be an ally for them.
posted by OHenryPacey at 7:54 AM on August 5, 2021 [4 favorites]
My suggestions would include:
Speak to other female teammates and describe your mindset, they will likely share your perspective. they might also know of opportunities for you to play on a gender specific team.
Ask someone on your team for tips on how to make the most of what they observe to be your strengths. pick someone whom you trust
Set a goal for yourself each game, one that you can see yourself achieving. Make one perfect pass, be in the right position as often as possible, something like that.
Find a way to brush off failures and little mistakes -- everyone makes them, all the time. letting them go will help you improve.
Most players have been in your shoes. I have always used the "obligation" associated with being on a team as a motivator to get off the couch. The games only happen if the players show up for them, so each player is contributing to the fun being had by all. Look around you and hopefully you will see smiles after the games, and teammates who were happy to have played. You helped make this happen, and likely next season there will be a player newer than you, facing the same struggle, and you can be an ally for them.
posted by OHenryPacey at 7:54 AM on August 5, 2021 [4 favorites]
I play in a few adult sports leagues and most of the players only started playing the respective sports as adults. We all remember what it’s like to be new, and everybody’s gotta start somewhere. I lucked out with good teammates who assured me that I could be useful to the team regardless of my skill level, and then gave me guidance on what to do. Simple tips on what to work on, or how to position myself, stuff that we slowly built on over the years.
Now I’m no longer a newbie, and we have new newbies on our teams. It’s the same thing - as long as they are making an effort, show up to games on time, have a good attitude, and are open to taking advice, we’re happy to have them. Team cultures can vary quite a bit though. I play on teams where we all recognize that we’re never making it to the big league, there are no scouts in the stands, and we’re just out for fun and exercise - but I have met teams that take winning very seriously, too seriously imo… if that’s the kind of team you’ve wound up on, I think you should feel free to bounce and find another team.
posted by keep it under cover at 8:59 AM on August 5, 2021
Now I’m no longer a newbie, and we have new newbies on our teams. It’s the same thing - as long as they are making an effort, show up to games on time, have a good attitude, and are open to taking advice, we’re happy to have them. Team cultures can vary quite a bit though. I play on teams where we all recognize that we’re never making it to the big league, there are no scouts in the stands, and we’re just out for fun and exercise - but I have met teams that take winning very seriously, too seriously imo… if that’s the kind of team you’ve wound up on, I think you should feel free to bounce and find another team.
posted by keep it under cover at 8:59 AM on August 5, 2021
I’d say if people aren’t being jerks about it, be kind to yourself.
I played in an adult Wiffle ball league a few years ago and was HORRIBLE to start. Couldn’t field, and couldn’t hit. Everyone was encouraging and I stuck with it. And to humble brag: I ended up getting MVP for two seasons!
Unless this league was pitched to you as intensely competitive, high-skill level, then it’s just a chance for adults to do something fun together. Keep working on stuff but don’t sweat it. You’ll get the hang eventually and most adult sports league teams need teammates who are fun and reliable as most important attributes. Skill is a “nice-to-have”
posted by glaucon at 10:26 AM on August 5, 2021 [2 favorites]
I played in an adult Wiffle ball league a few years ago and was HORRIBLE to start. Couldn’t field, and couldn’t hit. Everyone was encouraging and I stuck with it. And to humble brag: I ended up getting MVP for two seasons!
Unless this league was pitched to you as intensely competitive, high-skill level, then it’s just a chance for adults to do something fun together. Keep working on stuff but don’t sweat it. You’ll get the hang eventually and most adult sports league teams need teammates who are fun and reliable as most important attributes. Skill is a “nice-to-have”
posted by glaucon at 10:26 AM on August 5, 2021 [2 favorites]
I’ll note too I had the same anxiety and questioning about whether I should even be there or not. I definitely relate! It’s totally normal and it just takes time to get more comfortable with your team and to feel better about the vibe of the league. You would know quickly if skill was the #1 most important thing to the players and teams.
In most adult leagues, people will be fun competitive. They want to win, but it’s not win-at-all-costs. People have jobs and families and real life stuff, and being with other good people and having fun are the most important things.
posted by glaucon at 10:55 AM on August 5, 2021
In most adult leagues, people will be fun competitive. They want to win, but it’s not win-at-all-costs. People have jobs and families and real life stuff, and being with other good people and having fun are the most important things.
posted by glaucon at 10:55 AM on August 5, 2021
Your post reminded me of this anecdote, which I found inspiring when I saw it as a Facebook post a while back. This person had once been a "big fish" before moving to a bigger pond, but I was inspired as someone who felt like a tiny fish in a big pond with one of my hobbies. The philosophy of never wanting to be the smartest person in the room might resonate with you as well. Look out for other examples of people who are not-amazing at something but still out there doing it.
I finally read the often-recommended The Inner Game of Tennis recently and I feel like that could be helpful?
I like to tell myself, in a lot of (sometimes-hypothetical) situations, "If I'm allowed to be here, it's okay for me to be here." Simply meaning that as long as I'm in line with any rules/policies/etc. that are enforced, I can do anything even if I'm not the type of person others might expect or "prefer" (for lack of a better word). Sometimes I feel like I'm so different or bad at something that I must be the one exception to this, so I have to remind myself that's not the case.
posted by Carouselle at 1:59 PM on August 5, 2021 [1 favorite]
I finally read the often-recommended The Inner Game of Tennis recently and I feel like that could be helpful?
I like to tell myself, in a lot of (sometimes-hypothetical) situations, "If I'm allowed to be here, it's okay for me to be here." Simply meaning that as long as I'm in line with any rules/policies/etc. that are enforced, I can do anything even if I'm not the type of person others might expect or "prefer" (for lack of a better word). Sometimes I feel like I'm so different or bad at something that I must be the one exception to this, so I have to remind myself that's not the case.
posted by Carouselle at 1:59 PM on August 5, 2021 [1 favorite]
I captained my work volleyball team for a couple of years. Volleyball was such a part of this company’s culture that it was written into the core values statement. As a result, we had a lot of beginner (or just bad players) play even though it was a fairly competitive team. Not to toot my own horn, but my assistant coach and I saw it as our responsibility to help the new players, because a leader’s job is to put people in position to succeed. Just letting them be on the team isn’t enough. Nobody wins. If we don’t help you develop your skills, our team is less competitive, but also you’ll get frustrated (as you’ve seen). So if they’re not coaching you up, it either means that they don’t care whether you’re terrible, or they’re assholes. Either way, you’re not doing anything wrong and shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.
I don’t think it should be your responsibility to ask for help, but if there’s someone on the team who’s pretty good and friendly, you could ask them for some help.
posted by kevinbelt at 5:04 PM on August 5, 2021 [2 favorites]
I don’t think it should be your responsibility to ask for help, but if there’s someone on the team who’s pretty good and friendly, you could ask them for some help.
posted by kevinbelt at 5:04 PM on August 5, 2021 [2 favorites]
I am this person currently except it's now later in the season and I stuck it out. Take your teammates at your word that they're happy to have you! Assuming it's a sport where there are required gender numbers, because you're there, the other female-matching players have more subs and more energy to do their stuff, so you're always contributing. I'm sure people would be excited to teach you stuff and I've learned lots just by asking people. You could ask if anyone would be up to practice with you before or after so you can get more comfortable with it. Or recruit someone else in your life to practice with you if you have anyone who'd be up for that. Some sports leagues run workshops for beginners. If they didn't have beginners, teams would never be able to keep going!
posted by lookoutbelow at 10:34 PM on August 5, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by lookoutbelow at 10:34 PM on August 5, 2021 [1 favorite]
That feeling is called "setting someone else's boundaries." You're making assumptions about what other people think of you based on zero proof.
They're making an effort to support and reassure you. It can be tough to change your perspective but please don't assume that behind their supportive and reassuring talk they're secretly resenting you.
posted by bendy at 12:47 AM on August 6, 2021 [1 favorite]
They're making an effort to support and reassure you. It can be tough to change your perspective but please don't assume that behind their supportive and reassuring talk they're secretly resenting you.
posted by bendy at 12:47 AM on August 6, 2021 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
In this case, even though you may not be as good as the other team members, if the women all dropped out they would not be able to play in the league! Your presence is helping them out and doing then a favor, and the more you stick with it and help, the better it'll be for them. Dropping out doesn't "spare them" having to play with you or leave a spot for someone better or anything your embarrassment might be saying. It leaves them short a teammate!
posted by Lady Li at 11:36 PM on August 4, 2021 [5 favorites]