Stranger verbally harassing a trans person again

July 14, 2021 8:29 PM

Trans person here. I have never quite fit the binary, and am no longer trying to hide it. Therefore, I live with an amount of verbal harassment. Mostly on the level of one or two comments being shouted at me. So far my strategy is to pretend I can’t hear them. In an ideal world I would do something that would make them stop…

…more because I worry about the next queer looking person they yell at than thinking I’m going to get anything positive out of the interaction. Assume in these instances I don’t usually feel physically threatened, and will not call the police.

I have a great therapist and a loving network of biological and chosen family, so this question is less about how to deal with this personally, and more a cry to the world that something must change. I use a lot of spoons doing education and advocacy about trans and non-binary folks to medical and educational providers, and am not looking for suggestions on how to address transphobia in a more general context. I googled this topic, and the hits were both about more serious types of harassment, and though not unfamiliar situations, upsetting, so I stopped looking after a few pages.

posted by rip to Human Relations (18 answers total)

I’m not sure what your question is? Or did you mean to say:

and am now looking for suggestions on how to address transphobia in a more general context. (Instead of not?)
posted by sillysally at 8:46 PM on July 14, 2021

In an ideal world I would do something that would make them stop…

I think rip is looking for that something?
posted by zamboni at 9:07 PM on July 14, 2021 [3 favorites]

I think rip is saying that he wants to respond to the transphobic analogue to catcalling, but not necessarily other transphobic issues as far as the scope of this question.
posted by Night_owl at 9:34 PM on July 14, 2021 [3 favorites]

I've never found any verbal strategy that doesn't make assholes worse. Ignoring them is the best thing we've come up with in probably a hundred thousand years of spoken language. (I assume you don't wish to become violent.) Silence is the best thing, if you have self control. Don't think you're missing the opportunity to do better, because you're not. Nothing hurts troublemakers more than being ignored. Nothing sets a better example, or makes bystanders think you're an example of someone who has their shit together.
posted by AugustusCrunch at 9:37 PM on July 14, 2021 [16 favorites]

I honestly think the best thing you can do is take care of yourself however that might be.

I wish there was some magical was that people would learn to not be assholes, and I think the work on the community level is way more fruitful than random interactions with random strangers.

Stopping or changing a bad person who might theoretically hurt someone else is a tempting thought. It's nice to want to protect others by being able to... Just do something! That right thing! But... There really isn't a right thing. If there was, it would have been found by now and the world would be a much much nicer place to live in.
posted by AlexiaSky at 9:55 PM on July 14, 2021 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Thank for the responses, I generally have the sense that ignoring is best, but not responding leaves me with the feeling that they think it’s OK, or not really hurting anybody.

Night_owl explained the question.
posted by rip at 10:14 PM on July 14, 2021 [1 favorite]

Totally out of left field but my sister in her bar years had a habit of going apeshit on anyone who “hey girlll” her on the subway home. Think like crazy chihuahua “you want a piece of me asshole??? WELL COME HERE AND TAKE IT!!!” Like using a nuclear weapon to hammer a nail. (Clearly in instances where she felt no true threat.)

Takes a lot of energy on your part but for the next person would certainly make them think twice before opening their dumb mouths.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:41 PM on July 14, 2021 [3 favorites]

There isn't anything that works, I'm sorry. Your best bet is to make it boring for the harasser so they quit and move on. You can try with heckler type stuff like "Oh, I remember when I had my first beer..." but the harassers aren't real bright and you really need a sympathetic audience to make that work.

If you escalate like St. Peepsburg suggests, in my experience that could cut either way. I have used this to end a situation where I'm unable to leave (public transit) immediately but also feared violence and it's best if you have a way out you are trying to buy time to get to or can use it to make a scene so that you don't look like an easy victim.

Being boring is your best bet, but it's hard when you're very beautiful (I assume; all trans people are exceptionally lovely) and breaking the gender binary that lives in assholes' tiny, tiny minds.
posted by blnkfrnk at 10:55 PM on July 14, 2021 [7 favorites]

Once in a great while I have responded to verbal abuse from strangers by acting as though I was just paid an effusive complement and we are both drunk girls in a bathroom. All “oh my god! Thanks! I love your hair! And those pockets are huge, did you get it on sale? Wow you’re so pretty!!” I don’t know if it actually did anything other than make me happy to completely baffle a random asshole here and there in my college years, but it was fun in the moment. I was a lot more brazen then.

These days I’m more aware of the risk of violence and value myself more - I’ve filmed altercations but never stepped in or responded to abusive things people have yelled at me since about ten years ago. Unfortunately the best thing is probably just being as boring as possible. You are already doing wonderful advocacy work. I would hate to think you judged one situation poorly and ended up unable to continue that work.
posted by Mizu at 12:00 AM on July 15, 2021 [11 favorites]

Big grey rock.

eta: no, you don't hit the person with it. Google "big grey rock" for more details.
posted by ivanthenotsoterrible at 5:09 AM on July 15, 2021 [2 favorites]

I'm a SWM so obviously not been your shoes, but I wonder how responding with curiosity would work. Just a series of nice calm questions like, "why do you care?", "why does my being different bother you so much?" and similar things to that. I don't think those people are very introspective and I wonder if you could actually get them to engage their brain for a minute. If their response is biblical then I'd point out that Jesus said something to the effect of only people without sin should cast stones, and also something about getting the beam out of your own eye before getting the mote out of someone else's. I'd probably point that out in a question form too, like "didn't Jesus say..?".

Again, I don't know if this works and I definitely think you'd need be able to be calm in the moment so that you're not escalating. If you could approach them with genuine curiosity, just trying to understand them rather than condemn them, then maybe you could get through and help them understand themselves.

Along with curiosity, see if you can approach the other person with compassion. Yes, they're being an asshole but they're likely doing it because they're scared. Most humans are very afraid and spend a lot of time pretending otherwise, mostly to convince ourselves that we're not afraid. Part of pretending otherwise is being aggressive towards things that scare us. So, can you find it in yourself to look at them with compassion? Don't tell them they're afraid, BTW, that'll likely just make them defensive and they'll respond with more aggression.

And it goes with out saying that you should be safe. Pick your opportunities and if questions seem make them more aggressive then maybe "I'm sorry, I thought wanted to talk. I'll just leave you alone then." But remember you're dealing with an ape, and a wild ape at that. If it was civilized it would be harassing random strangers.

Even if you don't engage the other person, the curiosity and compassion might be useful for you. Can you guess why a person might be like that? Don't go with "because they're an asshole", that's obvious and lazy. Can you find in yourself a genuine desire to help them?

I kind of went all over in writing this, hopefully something in there is useful.
posted by Awfki at 5:47 AM on July 15, 2021

There used to be a man in the Boston area we called "sandwich board Jesus guy." He was a walking billboard for all kinds of quasi-religious nastiness (homophobia and anti-choice stuff mostly.) I would see this dude at all kinds of public events, and it made my blood boil every time. So I started going up to him with a big smile and saying "Hi! Every time I see you I give five dollars to [Planned Parenthood or PFLAG] " and then saunter off. Seeing his face fall was priceless. Cis person here, and I haven't tried this for catcallers/verbal harassment, but maybe you could say something similar but for Trans Lifeline. If they ask what you just said you could repeat it slowly and say "It''s to help people suffering from people who are doing exactly what you're doing to me. Look it up!" I doubt this will change many hearts and minds, but you might plant a tiny seed or two (maybe not the person spewing crap but their buddy who is right there laughing but feels the tiniest bit bad about it.)

So sorry you are dealing with this. Good luck!
posted by prewar lemonade at 5:52 AM on July 15, 2021 [9 favorites]

Personally, when I genuinely feel safe and they've shouted across some distance, I either ignore them as well, or wave cheerfully and then carry on like I know they were addressing me but didn't actually hear it. If it's too close for that and/or I actually want them to get the "not-okay" message, I correct them briefly in the same firm, factual, upbeat-ish tone I use with children who've made some unfortunate assumption rooted in what they've been in taught about binary genders. So for example "Actually I'm [acceptable term]!" and then I move away without waiting for their response. It won't make them stop, because we can't actually control them, but if by chance they like the young children I interact with simply don't know any better, at least now they have a new vocabulary word to mull over.
posted by teremala at 7:41 AM on July 15, 2021 [2 favorites]

By which I guess I mean to say, even if improving the world in this manner is your passion, it's okay to just make the best decision for yourself in that moment. Correcting hostile people and holding them accountable is what we've got allies for. If you have the spare spoons and want to use them on this, sure, go for it. But make sure to take care of yourself too, friend.
posted by teremala at 7:50 AM on July 15, 2021 [2 favorites]

It's a violent world, seems worse right now, and I don't want to get hurt by responding to toxic assholes the way I want to. So in my head, I say what I'd like to say out loud. For you, maybe silent comments of -I'm sorry you're so insecure about your own sexuality. -Look at you, relying on bullying instead of brains. -I just donated to another gofundme for someone's confirmation surgery. -You're really a loud asshole; you should STFU. Stand a little taller, square your shoulders, be your beautiful self as you ignore them.

I'm so sorry you and many others experience this.
posted by theora55 at 8:03 AM on July 15, 2021 [1 favorite]

Short term - Hollaback strategies that focus on the safety of the victim - in this case you :<>


Long term - become a blackbelt/John Wick level of competence in violence. Bigots are trying to make you scared to exist in public. THEY should be scared to share their terrible views. We should be punching Nazi's and harrassing these terrorists.
posted by Gor-ella at 11:57 AM on July 15, 2021 [3 favorites]

Hey, I'm a cis woman. Unless it looked like the asshole was on the verge of pulling out a gun I'd talk back to them in your defense. I've done it, on the street and on public transit, usually in a non-threatening, like "Cut it out! That's unfair. Do you want people insulting you? Leave them alone!" Sometimes I say "That's my kid's friend!" to make them think about how they'd react if someone taunted their kid's friend. Then, on public transport, I'd move to sit or stand next to the insulted person. That kind of behavior is totally unacceptable, and it takes sympathetic people speaking up to help stop it's "normalization".

More of us need to intervene.
posted by citygirl at 7:19 PM on July 15, 2021 [1 favorite]

I'll occasionally engage if the harassment is coming from a teenager, especially a small pack of teenage boys, because I figure they're still impressionable enough that a brief interaction might change their behavior. I've flipped the script and shouted back at them about their physical attributes or clothing, then dialed down the volume and explained what I was doing (this doesn't feel great, does it? it's uncomfortable and weird having a stranger shout at you? great. don't make other people feel like this.) I don't bother with adults.

Caveat: I'm white and non gender conforming but get read as a cis woman at least 95% of the time, so I get by on a lot of privilege in public spaces.
posted by deludingmyself at 6:53 AM on July 16, 2021