How to Respond to Contact From My Childhood Best Friend
July 7, 2021 10:35 PM Subscribe
I need advice on how to handle contact from my childhood best friend.
My childhood best friend (Lee) emailed me in March to tell me that our mutual friend (Billie) recently died. Billie's death was sudden and surprising. Lee's email was the first I heard about Billie's passing.
Lee, Billie, and I were part of a small friend group that was close from childhood through our twenties. We're now in our late thirties.
I haven't spoken to anyone in our friend group in almost a decade. A few members of the group still seem to be close. I don't know for sure. The two of us who I know for certain are no longer part of the friend group are myself and Lee (the emailer).
I drifted away because I spent my thirties exploring my identity and no longer felt connected with my friends. I have fond memories of our past, but I see myself today as a completely different person. I didn't have the capacity to communicate this to them at the time. I know I hurt them with my slow fade. But I also view this slow relationship drift as a potential part of friends growing older.
Lee is also no longer close with the friend group due to alcohol addiction, which started in high school. I tried to help Lee for a while, but our conversations usually followed a pattern: Lee saying terrible things to me while drunk, sobering up, and apologizing profusely. I also didn't know what I was doing and had no experience or training with addiction. I know I could have been a better friend. I stopped responding to Lee's messages around the same time as my slow fade from the rest of the group. But with Lee, I purposely cut off contact without explanation, so this change was more hurtful to Lee.
Lee sends me emails every couple of years, which I never read. I only saw the info about Billie's passing due to Gmail's preview snippet. I've been mulling over Lee's email about Billie for the last few months. Tonight I read all of Lee's emails. They're full of sincere apologies, reflections on our past, regrets about all that Lee has lost, and updates on Lee's sobriety.
So, here's my ask: I feel as if I'm in a more stable place, and I'm ready to respond to Lee. I want to write a short email to Lee to acknowledge Billie's very sad death. I want to let Lee know I have positive memories of our past, accept their apology, and tell them that I hold no ill will toward them. I don't want to relitigate our past in detail. I don't want or need more of an apology from Lee. I don't want to give Lee hope that we'll be active friends or even send regular messages. I want to maintain this boundary. What else am I missing? And what is the least-worst approach to this?
One final note: I recently moved closer to where I grew up to spend more time with my family. I'm not sure where Lee lives, but I would guess that Lee is still living somewhere near my family. It's a small town, and we could easily run into each other. Everyone in the area is probably connected within two or three degrees. I'm guessing there will be some who think I shouldn't email Lee. But the increased chance of an in-person encounter is another reason that I would like to acknowledge Lee's email. If we do run into each other, I would like to have the opportunity to have a civil chat and it not be our first contact after years of one-sided no-contact from me.
I appreciate anyone who read my Ask. Thank you.
My childhood best friend (Lee) emailed me in March to tell me that our mutual friend (Billie) recently died. Billie's death was sudden and surprising. Lee's email was the first I heard about Billie's passing.
Lee, Billie, and I were part of a small friend group that was close from childhood through our twenties. We're now in our late thirties.
I haven't spoken to anyone in our friend group in almost a decade. A few members of the group still seem to be close. I don't know for sure. The two of us who I know for certain are no longer part of the friend group are myself and Lee (the emailer).
I drifted away because I spent my thirties exploring my identity and no longer felt connected with my friends. I have fond memories of our past, but I see myself today as a completely different person. I didn't have the capacity to communicate this to them at the time. I know I hurt them with my slow fade. But I also view this slow relationship drift as a potential part of friends growing older.
Lee is also no longer close with the friend group due to alcohol addiction, which started in high school. I tried to help Lee for a while, but our conversations usually followed a pattern: Lee saying terrible things to me while drunk, sobering up, and apologizing profusely. I also didn't know what I was doing and had no experience or training with addiction. I know I could have been a better friend. I stopped responding to Lee's messages around the same time as my slow fade from the rest of the group. But with Lee, I purposely cut off contact without explanation, so this change was more hurtful to Lee.
Lee sends me emails every couple of years, which I never read. I only saw the info about Billie's passing due to Gmail's preview snippet. I've been mulling over Lee's email about Billie for the last few months. Tonight I read all of Lee's emails. They're full of sincere apologies, reflections on our past, regrets about all that Lee has lost, and updates on Lee's sobriety.
So, here's my ask: I feel as if I'm in a more stable place, and I'm ready to respond to Lee. I want to write a short email to Lee to acknowledge Billie's very sad death. I want to let Lee know I have positive memories of our past, accept their apology, and tell them that I hold no ill will toward them. I don't want to relitigate our past in detail. I don't want or need more of an apology from Lee. I don't want to give Lee hope that we'll be active friends or even send regular messages. I want to maintain this boundary. What else am I missing? And what is the least-worst approach to this?
One final note: I recently moved closer to where I grew up to spend more time with my family. I'm not sure where Lee lives, but I would guess that Lee is still living somewhere near my family. It's a small town, and we could easily run into each other. Everyone in the area is probably connected within two or three degrees. I'm guessing there will be some who think I shouldn't email Lee. But the increased chance of an in-person encounter is another reason that I would like to acknowledge Lee's email. If we do run into each other, I would like to have the opportunity to have a civil chat and it not be our first contact after years of one-sided no-contact from me.
I appreciate anyone who read my Ask. Thank you.
I am sort of on the other side of this, minus the death and alcoholism, plus a lot of other identity stuff. I am still very close to a couple of my childhood friends and we all miss one of us terribly; he did a sort of slow fade and then fast for the last bit and none of us have heard from him in a long time. I worry about him still, but I was also the one in our friend group with the most tumultuous relationship with him, lots of drama and emotions and bad communication. Anyway, if he were to suddenly reach out to me after years of silence, or any of our friends, I would be really happy, but also super careful about respecting his boundaries, because I’ve had years to think about this. Also, being in our thirties is wildly different from our twenties, in terms of how I think about friendships and time spent with people in my past. I wonder if Lee is in a similar place. Since he’s emailed you over the years I suspect he’s not as willing to be quite so distant if you do reach out, though, so you will have to be very clear.
Try to keep your reply short, and don’t indicate having read his previous emails or not. You could use the term “closure”, with which, if he’s worked with a therapist for his addiction, he might be very familiar. You might let him know that you recently moved, that you have been thinking about your family a lot, and this would sort of wrap up all together as part of that, because you’ve been seeing old places and thinking on old friends.
It sounds like Lee might appreciate being Christmas or New Years card friends with you, if that’s something you’re comfortable with. For me, I have a cadre of folks I never talk to from my past, but I get a holiday card with like, a photo of their kids or pets on it, and I think about them fondly but we never reach out otherwise. This might be the right level of contact with Lee, and perhaps your other old friends, as it’s not even emails but it is a way to say “we all are still alive!”
posted by Mizu at 12:02 AM on July 8, 2021
Try to keep your reply short, and don’t indicate having read his previous emails or not. You could use the term “closure”, with which, if he’s worked with a therapist for his addiction, he might be very familiar. You might let him know that you recently moved, that you have been thinking about your family a lot, and this would sort of wrap up all together as part of that, because you’ve been seeing old places and thinking on old friends.
It sounds like Lee might appreciate being Christmas or New Years card friends with you, if that’s something you’re comfortable with. For me, I have a cadre of folks I never talk to from my past, but I get a holiday card with like, a photo of their kids or pets on it, and I think about them fondly but we never reach out otherwise. This might be the right level of contact with Lee, and perhaps your other old friends, as it’s not even emails but it is a way to say “we all are still alive!”
posted by Mizu at 12:02 AM on July 8, 2021
I don't think writing anything will make meeting less awkward.
And regardless of the words you choose, the mere fact that you're responding at all FINALLY might make a tenacious/needy person redouble their efforts at contact. And your friend is remarkably tenacious - he's still contacting a non-responsive ex-friend, who's made it clear they want no contact, after more than a decade. He's not much of a boundary guy.
If you meet him you can still say kindly that you're glad he's okay, you've moved past the friendship and don't want to reconnect. Don't contact him with a heartfelt letter first that explains why you don't want to be friends! That's...kinda mean, though you mean well.
posted by Omnomnom at 3:36 AM on July 8, 2021
And regardless of the words you choose, the mere fact that you're responding at all FINALLY might make a tenacious/needy person redouble their efforts at contact. And your friend is remarkably tenacious - he's still contacting a non-responsive ex-friend, who's made it clear they want no contact, after more than a decade. He's not much of a boundary guy.
If you meet him you can still say kindly that you're glad he's okay, you've moved past the friendship and don't want to reconnect. Don't contact him with a heartfelt letter first that explains why you don't want to be friends! That's...kinda mean, though you mean well.
posted by Omnomnom at 3:36 AM on July 8, 2021
It sounds like both you and Lee have done a lot of growing in the last few years.
Lee has gone from being an addict who was abusive towards you, to someone who is capable of both sobriety and the difficult work of making amends (reaching out non-demandingly to a non-responsive former friend who was hurt by Lee's behavior, trying to heal the connection between you both with sincere apology, is a form of amends).
You have gone from being someone who was victimized by Lee's behavior and severely hurt by it, to someone who found the courage to set firm boundaries to protect yourself.... and what's more, rather than permanently marking your friend as "toxic" in your mind and freezing your relationship in that time capsule of bitterness, you've gone on to truly heal from your hurt to such an extent that you now feel capable of recognizing Lee's progress and acknowledging your former relationship with Lee without feeling this as a threat to your emotional wellbeing.
I just want to take a moment to recognize how stupendous both these arcs of growth are. I don't think I've heard anything more life-affirming on this site than your and Lee's story.
Regardless of whatever you do, whether you choose to honor your impulse to send that note or whether you decide to simply say a silent blessing and let this go in peace... whether you slowly reconnect with Lee or whether you both continue your growth in separate paths, nothing can take your growth away from you. From one internet stranger to another, I'm so proud of you. Your story gives me hope.
posted by MiraK at 4:49 AM on July 8, 2021 [30 favorites]
Lee has gone from being an addict who was abusive towards you, to someone who is capable of both sobriety and the difficult work of making amends (reaching out non-demandingly to a non-responsive former friend who was hurt by Lee's behavior, trying to heal the connection between you both with sincere apology, is a form of amends).
You have gone from being someone who was victimized by Lee's behavior and severely hurt by it, to someone who found the courage to set firm boundaries to protect yourself.... and what's more, rather than permanently marking your friend as "toxic" in your mind and freezing your relationship in that time capsule of bitterness, you've gone on to truly heal from your hurt to such an extent that you now feel capable of recognizing Lee's progress and acknowledging your former relationship with Lee without feeling this as a threat to your emotional wellbeing.
I just want to take a moment to recognize how stupendous both these arcs of growth are. I don't think I've heard anything more life-affirming on this site than your and Lee's story.
Regardless of whatever you do, whether you choose to honor your impulse to send that note or whether you decide to simply say a silent blessing and let this go in peace... whether you slowly reconnect with Lee or whether you both continue your growth in separate paths, nothing can take your growth away from you. From one internet stranger to another, I'm so proud of you. Your story gives me hope.
posted by MiraK at 4:49 AM on July 8, 2021 [30 favorites]
+1 to MiraK above.
I think your plan sounds fine, and you should basically send Lee an email that says exactly what you said here. Including the part about not wanting to pick up or actively revive your friendship. You could close by saying something like ‘I think about our childhood times together fondly, and I hope life treats you well.’ If you explicitly don’t want Lee to contact you in future you should say that, but if you’re okay to get the occasional update mail every few years (and it sounds like you are?) then you don’t need to request no contact.
FWIW I have quite a few relationships like it sounds like you want with Lee. People who I used to be extraordinarily close with, where stuff got fraught and bad, and now we are okay with each other and hear from each other literally like once a decade, usually when somebody has died. I think it’s a perfectly fine kind of relationship to have. I would never be close with those people now — not because of pain related to the past, but because we are totally different people now and have nothing in common any more. But I *do* think of them fondly, and I *do* hope life is treating them well. So if that’s the relationship you want, I think it’s totally reasonable and probably achievable.
Good luck!
posted by Susan PG at 4:54 AM on July 8, 2021 [4 favorites]
I think your plan sounds fine, and you should basically send Lee an email that says exactly what you said here. Including the part about not wanting to pick up or actively revive your friendship. You could close by saying something like ‘I think about our childhood times together fondly, and I hope life treats you well.’ If you explicitly don’t want Lee to contact you in future you should say that, but if you’re okay to get the occasional update mail every few years (and it sounds like you are?) then you don’t need to request no contact.
FWIW I have quite a few relationships like it sounds like you want with Lee. People who I used to be extraordinarily close with, where stuff got fraught and bad, and now we are okay with each other and hear from each other literally like once a decade, usually when somebody has died. I think it’s a perfectly fine kind of relationship to have. I would never be close with those people now — not because of pain related to the past, but because we are totally different people now and have nothing in common any more. But I *do* think of them fondly, and I *do* hope life is treating them well. So if that’s the relationship you want, I think it’s totally reasonable and probably achievable.
Good luck!
posted by Susan PG at 4:54 AM on July 8, 2021 [4 favorites]
I think this is a good idea. It may be a little tricky to avoid giving false hope if you aren't explicit, so you may say something along the lines of "with where my life is right now, I don't have the capacity to be in very regular contact, but I wanted to let you know that I remember you and the others fondly" I don't know if you'd even want to add "and I'm sorry for any pain that my distance causes." (I don't think it's wrong at all! I just see that as acknowledging what they might be feeling and that you didn't intend for and are sorry for inadvertently causing them to feel that.) Forgiveness and if possible leaving relationships in peace is a moral good, I think, so I think your urge to do this is admirable.
posted by slidell at 7:11 AM on July 8, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by slidell at 7:11 AM on July 8, 2021 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I would write a note.
posted by AugustWest at 10:54 PM on July 7, 2021 [3 favorites]