Sucked into other people's emotional lives
July 4, 2021 8:43 AM Subscribe
I deal with many typical forms of mental illness - anxiety, depression, and OCD. However, I also have another issue that no doctor has ever truly understood - I get pulled into other people's emotions, so I feel what they feel, particularly when this feeling is negative. I feel this most strongly with my daughter, but social media has the same effect on me. Looking to see if anyone else can relate or offer advice.
I've dealt with myriad forms of mental illness all of my life - depression and anxiety, and pretty rough OCD. Some of this is trauma-related from a difficult childhood. I can manage these conditions with varying degrees of success, in particular the OCD. It's often the case though that when I can manage a particular configuration of these issues quite well, the configuration changes. Various medications and therapies help at different times. However, there is one issue that I've never even been able to get a proper diagnosis for, and that is my (largely unwanted) ability to get sucked into other people's emotions.
I'll give a quick example - my daughter often gets anxious about the weather, particularly in summer. She wants it to be hot and clear-skied every day. Whenever this doesn't happen, she fixates on it and gets upset. What has happened over time is that I become just as obsessed with the weather because I get anxious over how she will feel about it. It feels like I absorb her anxiety and feel it just as strongly, which obviously makes it difficult to perform my duties as a parent. This also extends to every other time she has an emotional outburst or issue - I feel it like it is my own. It is very difficult to deal with.
I have this problem most acutely with my daughter, but I get sucked into other people's emotions as well. I've had to finally swear off social media because I can no longer deal with the anger and anxiety expressed by so many people. I've largely cut myself off from the news as well. Living in a hyper-partisan time is agony for me, but living in a bubble doesn't seem a long-term solution either.
This is a really a "Dr. House" problem in that I have no idea what this condition is, and I've never had a psych or other doctor that's really grasped what this problem is - most of the time they just try to lump it in with one of my other mental conditions. But this does not feel like simple depression or anxiety or whatever. This is something else - I feel what other people are feeling, especially when that feeling is negative.
I'm just reaching out here to see if anyone has any idea what might be going on here. Thanks.
I've dealt with myriad forms of mental illness all of my life - depression and anxiety, and pretty rough OCD. Some of this is trauma-related from a difficult childhood. I can manage these conditions with varying degrees of success, in particular the OCD. It's often the case though that when I can manage a particular configuration of these issues quite well, the configuration changes. Various medications and therapies help at different times. However, there is one issue that I've never even been able to get a proper diagnosis for, and that is my (largely unwanted) ability to get sucked into other people's emotions.
I'll give a quick example - my daughter often gets anxious about the weather, particularly in summer. She wants it to be hot and clear-skied every day. Whenever this doesn't happen, she fixates on it and gets upset. What has happened over time is that I become just as obsessed with the weather because I get anxious over how she will feel about it. It feels like I absorb her anxiety and feel it just as strongly, which obviously makes it difficult to perform my duties as a parent. This also extends to every other time she has an emotional outburst or issue - I feel it like it is my own. It is very difficult to deal with.
I have this problem most acutely with my daughter, but I get sucked into other people's emotions as well. I've had to finally swear off social media because I can no longer deal with the anger and anxiety expressed by so many people. I've largely cut myself off from the news as well. Living in a hyper-partisan time is agony for me, but living in a bubble doesn't seem a long-term solution either.
This is a really a "Dr. House" problem in that I have no idea what this condition is, and I've never had a psych or other doctor that's really grasped what this problem is - most of the time they just try to lump it in with one of my other mental conditions. But this does not feel like simple depression or anxiety or whatever. This is something else - I feel what other people are feeling, especially when that feeling is negative.
I'm just reaching out here to see if anyone has any idea what might be going on here. Thanks.
This is super common for people, regardless of their history and diagnoses. I've found the concept of emotional contagion is really trending these days with many videos on YouTube and Instagram. If you don't want to use social media for this, there are also a number of articles and blog post in psychological publications.
posted by smorgasbord at 8:58 AM on July 4, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by smorgasbord at 8:58 AM on July 4, 2021 [4 favorites]
Additionally, I sense a lot of fear in your post, that you're scared of this and worry about being strange or beyond help. The good thing is that you are not alone and this is totally manageable! One thing that OCD does sometimes -- I say this as a fellow person with OCD -- is convince us that we are weird and our thoughts are shameful, that we are bad for feelings this way so we become a victim to our assumptions. You took the first big step of naming your feelings and bravely sharing it here. While your brain may work differently than many others, you are also completely normal and this is something OK and manageable!
posted by smorgasbord at 9:01 AM on July 4, 2021 [7 favorites]
posted by smorgasbord at 9:01 AM on July 4, 2021 [7 favorites]
I've found the concept of emotional contagion is really trending these days with many videos on YouTube …
Another search term for this is “empath.”
posted by Rube R. Nekker at 9:06 AM on July 4, 2021 [4 favorites]
Another search term for this is “empath.”
posted by Rube R. Nekker at 9:06 AM on July 4, 2021 [4 favorites]
Google “hyper-empathy.” This is totally a known thing, you are not the only person dealing with this!
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:08 AM on July 4, 2021 [5 favorites]
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:08 AM on July 4, 2021 [5 favorites]
I feel like this too, and one thing that helped was finding a therapist for my child. It helped me let go of the feeling of responsibility for how my child's upset. I still empathize, and then remind them to talk about it in therapy. It feels like we have someone else on our team.
posted by xo at 9:10 AM on July 4, 2021 [15 favorites]
posted by xo at 9:10 AM on July 4, 2021 [15 favorites]
Seconding help for your kid, or maybe family therapy as well - I'm guessing you already sense this, but this dynamic can be damaging for your daughter too (ask me how I know). You are a good parent for taking care of yourself and asking for help!
posted by heyforfour at 9:26 AM on July 4, 2021 [6 favorites]
posted by heyforfour at 9:26 AM on July 4, 2021 [6 favorites]
Reading about parentification of children may also be helpful, if it applies to your situation. Hypervigilance, as well, if there was past abuse. People who have experienced situations, especially as a child, where they needed to be acutely tuned into others' emotional states in order to survive (e.g., to avoid triggering abuse, to navigate age-inappropriate survival needs, etc.) often hold onto that survival strategy even when it's no longer needed for survival. Which makes total sense, since it worked in the past! It takes time to identify what's no longer needed, it takes a current system that is in fact fairly safe, and it takes trust in that safety to be able to experiment with new strategies and let go of ones that are no longer needed.
posted by lapis at 9:30 AM on July 4, 2021 [10 favorites]
posted by lapis at 9:30 AM on July 4, 2021 [10 favorites]
To clarify re parentification: I mean it may be that you were parentified, not that you're parentifying your child.
posted by lapis at 9:31 AM on July 4, 2021
posted by lapis at 9:31 AM on July 4, 2021
This sounds difficult and stressful, props to you for recognising it and reaching out for help.
I agree with the above comments about finding some help for your daughter to take some of the weight off yourself. Getting anxious to the point of being upset about a day that's not sunny doesn't sound like it's very fun for her either -- it may be that she needs some additional evaluations as well. You may also be experiencing some form of carer's fatigue if your daughter's problems are very present and ongoing in your daily life, which might be exacerbating this feeling of constant stress and sensitivity.
In terms of social media, you're doing the right thing in being distanced from it. There's no reason you need to engage with it if you don't want to. Ditto the news, especially right now.
While you continue to look into a way of describing this, definitely shore up your support network where you can. Take some of the load off, so you have time and space to manage your empathy.
posted by fight or flight at 9:33 AM on July 4, 2021
I agree with the above comments about finding some help for your daughter to take some of the weight off yourself. Getting anxious to the point of being upset about a day that's not sunny doesn't sound like it's very fun for her either -- it may be that she needs some additional evaluations as well. You may also be experiencing some form of carer's fatigue if your daughter's problems are very present and ongoing in your daily life, which might be exacerbating this feeling of constant stress and sensitivity.
In terms of social media, you're doing the right thing in being distanced from it. There's no reason you need to engage with it if you don't want to. Ditto the news, especially right now.
While you continue to look into a way of describing this, definitely shore up your support network where you can. Take some of the load off, so you have time and space to manage your empathy.
posted by fight or flight at 9:33 AM on July 4, 2021
You might see whether other aspects of being on the autism spectrum resonate with you, especially if you're a woman or female-coded (which tends to lead to autism presenting slightly differently due to different social expectations, masking, etc.). The conventional wisdom is that autistics struggle with empathy but in fact this kind of hyper-empathy is often a trait.
posted by babelfish at 9:38 AM on July 4, 2021 [7 favorites]
posted by babelfish at 9:38 AM on July 4, 2021 [7 favorites]
Sounds to me like you're an empath. What you describe makes me think you were raised by someone with a cluster B personality disorder, and you were taught to be their emotional support child/person... and perhaps you've escaped that influence, or that person has passed on, but you've transferred your learned behaviors onto your child and social media.
Keep in mind, it's entirely possible that your mental health can affect/create mental health issues with your child. I've definitely passed anxiety on to all of mine, in some form or another, despite pretty strenuous efforts to shield them from it. It's also very clear to family observers that one of our extended family members, diagnosed BPD, has transferred some pretty severe anxiety issues & an eating disorder onto her own child.
posted by stormyteal at 10:06 AM on July 4, 2021 [3 favorites]
Keep in mind, it's entirely possible that your mental health can affect/create mental health issues with your child. I've definitely passed anxiety on to all of mine, in some form or another, despite pretty strenuous efforts to shield them from it. It's also very clear to family observers that one of our extended family members, diagnosed BPD, has transferred some pretty severe anxiety issues & an eating disorder onto her own child.
posted by stormyteal at 10:06 AM on July 4, 2021 [3 favorites]
When we’re afraid of negative emotions in ourselves we’re afraid of them in others.
Allow yourself to feel and have negative emotions. You’re fine, they pass and you won’t die.
(Now the hard part) allow your daughter to have and feel negative emotions. You don’t have to fix them for her. She’ll be fine and she won’t die or get damaged or anything. It builds resilience for her to feel them (and for you to be a calm presence in the face of her storm that you can turn to.)
You’re not unloving by being calm and neutral. You’re being her safe harbor. Don’t get destabilized by the storm.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:21 AM on July 4, 2021 [8 favorites]
Allow yourself to feel and have negative emotions. You’re fine, they pass and you won’t die.
(Now the hard part) allow your daughter to have and feel negative emotions. You don’t have to fix them for her. She’ll be fine and she won’t die or get damaged or anything. It builds resilience for her to feel them (and for you to be a calm presence in the face of her storm that you can turn to.)
You’re not unloving by being calm and neutral. You’re being her safe harbor. Don’t get destabilized by the storm.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:21 AM on July 4, 2021 [8 favorites]
I have the same issue. I’m going to guess that you didn’t grow up with emotionally healthy boundaries and it was your job to make everyone around you feel better or suffer the consequences. Even if not, you need to start putting some emotional boundaries in place and that would be best done with the help of a therapist. If you can, though, try journaling and write down what you are feeling, and after you’ve written enough, reading it back and seeing a clear pattern can be a positive force to you seeking a change. I also keep telling myself “Not my monkeys, not my circus”
or “it’s okay that they’re feeling that way,it’s not my job to change anything for them”. Just keep reminding yourself of that each time. Wishing you lots of luck!
posted by Champagne Supernova at 12:10 PM on July 4, 2021 [5 favorites]
or “it’s okay that they’re feeling that way,it’s not my job to change anything for them”. Just keep reminding yourself of that each time. Wishing you lots of luck!
posted by Champagne Supernova at 12:10 PM on July 4, 2021 [5 favorites]
I concur with those people who suggest that you talk to a therapist about "parentification" and "hypervigilance." I say this as someone who really resonated with what you wrote and who has been working very productively over the past year with my therapist on untangling those conditions. I came to the realization that I was not being as supportive and present for my family as I wanted to be because I was also hypervigilant about whether they were upset about something. As others suggested, this was because I was conditioned from an early age to soothe and assuage my parents. When I was younger, I was lauded for being very mature for my age, and I as I became older I frequently have found myself in the role of being people's confidantes - in some pretty unusual circumstances, even. This, unfortunately, created a positive feedback loop of an ultimately negative behavior (the hypervigilance and parenting of others) that I have been working on deconstructing over the past year. I do think the condition is tangled up with anxiety, but it might help to specifically discuss "hypervigilance" and "parentification" with someone.
Different therapeutic techniques work better for different people, but I do want to sound a note of encouragement that I feel like I have gotten better. In my case, I started with listening to very simple meditation/mindfulness videos before I went to sleep. Then I started doing a kind of guided thought process where I imagined parenting myself. I practiced telling myself "it's okay for you to be upset. It's okay to withdraw. It's okay not to like it when someone is shouting." Then I guess I did a kind of exposure therapy in that I tried to sit with the fact that my child was upset, when those moments happened, and to be less reactive. Instead of instantly trying to soothe my child or solve the issue, I would try to just reflect back the upset they felt and acknowledge it. I think in some ways, the child is happier with that process, too, by the way. Another thing I discussed with my therapist was reframing - I began to think both of how things could be much better and how things could be much worse in a given situation. That seems to give me comfort - to remind myself that things are simply the way they are. I'm writing about ordinary situations where people are upset, by the way, such as when my child loses at a challenge in a video game and wants to shout and maybe throw the controller.
I also wish you the best of luck!
posted by Tchozz at 1:28 PM on July 4, 2021 [6 favorites]
Different therapeutic techniques work better for different people, but I do want to sound a note of encouragement that I feel like I have gotten better. In my case, I started with listening to very simple meditation/mindfulness videos before I went to sleep. Then I started doing a kind of guided thought process where I imagined parenting myself. I practiced telling myself "it's okay for you to be upset. It's okay to withdraw. It's okay not to like it when someone is shouting." Then I guess I did a kind of exposure therapy in that I tried to sit with the fact that my child was upset, when those moments happened, and to be less reactive. Instead of instantly trying to soothe my child or solve the issue, I would try to just reflect back the upset they felt and acknowledge it. I think in some ways, the child is happier with that process, too, by the way. Another thing I discussed with my therapist was reframing - I began to think both of how things could be much better and how things could be much worse in a given situation. That seems to give me comfort - to remind myself that things are simply the way they are. I'm writing about ordinary situations where people are upset, by the way, such as when my child loses at a challenge in a video game and wants to shout and maybe throw the controller.
I also wish you the best of luck!
posted by Tchozz at 1:28 PM on July 4, 2021 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you everyone for the responses so far. I appreciate both the advice and the kindness. Those of you commenting about my childhood are very perceptive, and your observations help me put my experiences in the proper context.
Just for those who were wondering/speculating, we have sought help for our daughter for mental health purposes - this is ongoing and so far quite effective. I also do realize that I could pass on my own emotional issues, and work hard to minimize that - not always successfully, but I do try. Again, I appreciate your insights on these issues.
Also I'm cis-male, which is not of course important, but just wanted to let you know in case you were wondering :)
posted by hiteleven at 1:39 PM on July 4, 2021 [2 favorites]
Just for those who were wondering/speculating, we have sought help for our daughter for mental health purposes - this is ongoing and so far quite effective. I also do realize that I could pass on my own emotional issues, and work hard to minimize that - not always successfully, but I do try. Again, I appreciate your insights on these issues.
Also I'm cis-male, which is not of course important, but just wanted to let you know in case you were wondering :)
posted by hiteleven at 1:39 PM on July 4, 2021 [2 favorites]
You might find this article on projective identification helpful
posted by Morpeth at 2:07 PM on July 4, 2021
posted by Morpeth at 2:07 PM on July 4, 2021
Be careful about calling yourself an empath to other people. It’s a description that has been coopted and used as a shield for shitty behavior.
But what you’re describing about being excessively tuned in to other people’s emotions is a real thing, and one that I’ve gone through and thankfully mostly come out of the other side of.
(I have my own wintry mix of mental issues that include, anxiety, depression, c-ptsd, and a spectrum disorder). I started noticing that I was hyper sensitive to emotions around me in my late teens. In retrospect i contextualize it by saying that since I struggled to connect on normal social levels, I became extremely observant and hoped to use that as an avenue to connect on “deeper” levels.
Cue 12 years of unbalanced romantic relationships where I had poor boundaries, got taken advantage of, and generally built my self worth on my relationship. I eventually got fed up with internalizing my partner’s negative opinions about me, but even so the end of that relationship was really messy and traumatic. Five years, two medications, and much therapy later, I’m in a much more stable, emotionally independent place.
Looking back on that transformation, I see that being alone for a while did a lot to help this part of my psyche evolve. I didn’t have the outlet of other people (no partner, no housemates, no coworkers) for a couple years, and that helped me re-examine my own needs and how I met them. A big focus on my self-work at the time was also figuring out what my values are, and comparing how my actions and reactions reflected (or didn’t reflect) those values.
It’s not a logical step to go from where you are to “other people’s emotions are not my responsibility”, but it’s a slow evolution over time. I wish I could tell you the one neat trick, but in truth it will probably be a slog for a long time, then looking back and realizing it’s not much of an issue for you anymore. (Though you’re playing on hard mode, since there’s some truth to your daughter’s wellbeing bring your responsibility. But don’t forget to do everything you can to help equip her with coping techniques, not just protect her from stress and anxiety.)
I’m not sure this was helpful, but at the very least take heart that things can get better. Good luck.
posted by itesser at 5:52 PM on July 4, 2021 [2 favorites]
But what you’re describing about being excessively tuned in to other people’s emotions is a real thing, and one that I’ve gone through and thankfully mostly come out of the other side of.
(I have my own wintry mix of mental issues that include, anxiety, depression, c-ptsd, and a spectrum disorder). I started noticing that I was hyper sensitive to emotions around me in my late teens. In retrospect i contextualize it by saying that since I struggled to connect on normal social levels, I became extremely observant and hoped to use that as an avenue to connect on “deeper” levels.
Cue 12 years of unbalanced romantic relationships where I had poor boundaries, got taken advantage of, and generally built my self worth on my relationship. I eventually got fed up with internalizing my partner’s negative opinions about me, but even so the end of that relationship was really messy and traumatic. Five years, two medications, and much therapy later, I’m in a much more stable, emotionally independent place.
Looking back on that transformation, I see that being alone for a while did a lot to help this part of my psyche evolve. I didn’t have the outlet of other people (no partner, no housemates, no coworkers) for a couple years, and that helped me re-examine my own needs and how I met them. A big focus on my self-work at the time was also figuring out what my values are, and comparing how my actions and reactions reflected (or didn’t reflect) those values.
It’s not a logical step to go from where you are to “other people’s emotions are not my responsibility”, but it’s a slow evolution over time. I wish I could tell you the one neat trick, but in truth it will probably be a slog for a long time, then looking back and realizing it’s not much of an issue for you anymore. (Though you’re playing on hard mode, since there’s some truth to your daughter’s wellbeing bring your responsibility. But don’t forget to do everything you can to help equip her with coping techniques, not just protect her from stress and anxiety.)
I’m not sure this was helpful, but at the very least take heart that things can get better. Good luck.
posted by itesser at 5:52 PM on July 4, 2021 [2 favorites]
Just adding in to say I'm the same way. When the babies at work are upset, I really have to work to keep myself calm and not upset. I deeply feel
posted by kathrynm at 9:50 PM on July 4, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by kathrynm at 9:50 PM on July 4, 2021 [2 favorites]
The terms you're looking for is enmeshment. It is a common coping mechanism for people with difficult backgrounds. I'm working on it myself and have found Family Systems theory based books and talks (Jenny Brown, Jerry Wise, Lindsay Gibson, etc.) very helpful. Think of it as a form of boundary violation, only with emotions. A lot of the literature about this talks about "growing up" which at first I found kind of insulting, but they're using "growing up" to mean becoming a differentiated person with a strong sense of self and emotional boundaries.
posted by Stoof at 1:36 PM on July 5, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by Stoof at 1:36 PM on July 5, 2021 [4 favorites]
So, with your clarification that you're a cis man, I did want to add one additional possibility--not that this is related completely to gender, and it might not be relevant here, but I've found it to be a pattern with some men, and heard some women say the same. I've heard a few women friends talk about men partners, and I've had the same experience, who get really upset about something that is upsetting the woman friend (or me, in the case with my partner). In some cases, this doesn't feel like it's about empathy. Rather, it feels like the man is centering his own emotions in response to something that happened to the partner, and then it becomes more like an emotional hijacking.
In one example, my friend told me that she dealt with a stressful situation at work, and when she told her husband about it, he got so upset and then she felt like she had to help him manage his emotions--when she was the one who dealt with the stress! I've had cases with a partner where he did something hurtful, and then when I shared that my feelings were so hurt, he got really upset that he had hurt my feelings, and then he made it about how he was a bad partner, etc. This meant we never really dealt with how I was feeling hurt.
This might not be relevant to what you are describing at all! But, I did want to present the possibility that one explanation for this could be that you are (unconsciously) centering your own emotional responses as a way to sort of avoid dealing with the other person's emotions, especially in situations where the person is right there.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:23 PM on July 6, 2021 [4 favorites]
In one example, my friend told me that she dealt with a stressful situation at work, and when she told her husband about it, he got so upset and then she felt like she had to help him manage his emotions--when she was the one who dealt with the stress! I've had cases with a partner where he did something hurtful, and then when I shared that my feelings were so hurt, he got really upset that he had hurt my feelings, and then he made it about how he was a bad partner, etc. This meant we never really dealt with how I was feeling hurt.
This might not be relevant to what you are describing at all! But, I did want to present the possibility that one explanation for this could be that you are (unconsciously) centering your own emotional responses as a way to sort of avoid dealing with the other person's emotions, especially in situations where the person is right there.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:23 PM on July 6, 2021 [4 favorites]
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posted by foxtongue at 8:57 AM on July 4, 2021 [1 favorite]