Adult adoptee resources
July 3, 2021 1:52 PM Subscribe
Looking for resources for a young adult adoptee who has just discovered their biological father is alive, has many kids, and is not the person their birth mother claimed. My buddy is deeply upset and drinking heavily since this discovery. I want to gently point them to some good adoptee resources for coping (have suggested therapy but no luck yet).
Response by poster: Thanks, hotcoroner! That was exactly the term I needed to learn.
posted by Bella Donna at 12:29 AM on July 4, 2021
posted by Bella Donna at 12:29 AM on July 4, 2021
Best answer: There are several supportive facebook groups for adoptees but after spending a lot of time in them my experience is that the adoptee can sort of wallow in pain after a while.I started feeling stuck and like all I was doing was focusing on my pain so I backed off using fb as support. ALMA is a great group, maybe theres a local chapter your friend could join. I’d suggest it for short term support but really a therapist for a few sessions may be more helpful in the long run.
One positive about fb groups is, there are many other lovely people with similar backgrounds so I felt less alone. But privacy is a big problem and there were often APs or HAPs in the groups lying about their status and causing problems. (H/AP=Adoptive or hopeful adoptive parents). Even the most carefully moderated secret groups get infiltrated by non-adoptees for whatever fucked up reason they refuse to allow us a safe space and instead sneak in to meddle so caution is advised.
The groups are good for helping one process some of the really stressful stuff that comes up in reunion and helped me realize my feelings weren’t bc I was crazy after all. But tell your friend to be cautious and remember not everyone on the web is who they claim to be.
There are some great podcasts and youtube content but one has to sift through it to find adoption stories that reflect one’s experiences. Everyone has their own story/history, and for adoptees its shockingly varied, well imo it is anyway. And it’s passive, one can listen and learn but the stories are often upsetting so can leave the listener feeling angry or sad and powerless so this time of crisis may not be ideal for those.
As an adoptee one of the most difficult things I had to reconcile is how easily the others in the triad flat out lie and generally don’t accept responsibility for how damaging that is to the adoptee. It’s really hard and thats why I say a few visits w/a therapist may be helpful BUT the therapist must be experienced in adoptee support. Many-so many, TOO MANY- adoptees try therapy only to have their pain re adoption minimized by therapists so it has to be addressed before even meeting the therapist.
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 11:42 AM on July 4, 2021 [1 favorite]
One positive about fb groups is, there are many other lovely people with similar backgrounds so I felt less alone. But privacy is a big problem and there were often APs or HAPs in the groups lying about their status and causing problems. (H/AP=Adoptive or hopeful adoptive parents). Even the most carefully moderated secret groups get infiltrated by non-adoptees for whatever fucked up reason they refuse to allow us a safe space and instead sneak in to meddle so caution is advised.
The groups are good for helping one process some of the really stressful stuff that comes up in reunion and helped me realize my feelings weren’t bc I was crazy after all. But tell your friend to be cautious and remember not everyone on the web is who they claim to be.
There are some great podcasts and youtube content but one has to sift through it to find adoption stories that reflect one’s experiences. Everyone has their own story/history, and for adoptees its shockingly varied, well imo it is anyway. And it’s passive, one can listen and learn but the stories are often upsetting so can leave the listener feeling angry or sad and powerless so this time of crisis may not be ideal for those.
As an adoptee one of the most difficult things I had to reconcile is how easily the others in the triad flat out lie and generally don’t accept responsibility for how damaging that is to the adoptee. It’s really hard and thats why I say a few visits w/a therapist may be helpful BUT the therapist must be experienced in adoptee support. Many-so many, TOO MANY- adoptees try therapy only to have their pain re adoption minimized by therapists so it has to be addressed before even meeting the therapist.
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 11:42 AM on July 4, 2021 [1 favorite]
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posted by hotcoroner at 5:13 PM on July 3, 2021 [1 favorite]