Seeking parenting advice from people who grew up fat
June 17, 2021 9:16 AM Subscribe
My husband and I are fairly thin. Our 7 year old daughter is currently fat. We very much do not give a shit about her weight. This is NOT a question about weight loss or health. We are aware that her weight may change but for *reasons* we think that is unlikely. She is strong and curious and awesome and seemingly without hangups about her body. But we expect this to get more complicated as she gets older and we want to have her back.
I'd love to hear from people who grew up fat about what their parents did that was helpful and good and what their parents did that was...not so good as well as any advice you might have for me.
We have some basic stuff taken care of-- no moral talk about food, no negative discussion of our own bodies or other people's bodies, trying to find representation of diverse bodies in books and other media.
I love this kid more than life itself and I want to get this as close to right as possible. Thanks in advance for your advice.
We have some basic stuff taken care of-- no moral talk about food, no negative discussion of our own bodies or other people's bodies, trying to find representation of diverse bodies in books and other media.
I love this kid more than life itself and I want to get this as close to right as possible. Thanks in advance for your advice.
I'm glad you're asking this question.
You may appreciate Secrets of Feeding a Healthy Family , which has an entire section on feeding kids and is solid, evidence-based, non-gimmicky advice and 100% body accepting.
Consider me a vote for using and neutralizing the word fat.
I would pay attention to the imagery/shows/books/magazines you have around the house and rid yourself of ones that promote thinness (or thinness masquerading as "health"). I would also seek out media that show all shapes and sizes in a positive light.
I'm glad you don't give a shit about her weight. You may also consider framing it as you do give a shit, it's just the shit you give is that you want her to be exactly as she is and no different. The way you write about her, I doubt this will be a challenge. :)
posted by 10ch at 9:39 AM on June 17, 2021 [13 favorites]
You may appreciate Secrets of Feeding a Healthy Family , which has an entire section on feeding kids and is solid, evidence-based, non-gimmicky advice and 100% body accepting.
Consider me a vote for using and neutralizing the word fat.
I would pay attention to the imagery/shows/books/magazines you have around the house and rid yourself of ones that promote thinness (or thinness masquerading as "health"). I would also seek out media that show all shapes and sizes in a positive light.
I'm glad you don't give a shit about her weight. You may also consider framing it as you do give a shit, it's just the shit you give is that you want her to be exactly as she is and no different. The way you write about her, I doubt this will be a challenge. :)
posted by 10ch at 9:39 AM on June 17, 2021 [13 favorites]
Adding an addendum to my above post based on mod's comment. I grew up fat, lost a lot of weight in my adulthood, and now realize that the weight loss has been a version of self-hatred enculturated in me from my family (and bullies and culture). My advice is informed by that experience and has been hard-earned.
My parents talked about their own bodies and the bodies of others in ways that I still find hard to remove from my psyche. Their bodies feel like my body because we're related. This probably won't be the case for you, but watch how you talk about your own body or the bodies of your relatives.
I was also bullied a lot, and she may be, so keep an eye out for that. There was a lot of brainstorming in my household about what to do, and I don't really think we ever found any recommendable solutions.
Mostly, my advice is about loving her exactly as she is, and managing the access to toxic messages she sees.
posted by 10ch at 9:47 AM on June 17, 2021 [5 favorites]
My parents talked about their own bodies and the bodies of others in ways that I still find hard to remove from my psyche. Their bodies feel like my body because we're related. This probably won't be the case for you, but watch how you talk about your own body or the bodies of your relatives.
I was also bullied a lot, and she may be, so keep an eye out for that. There was a lot of brainstorming in my household about what to do, and I don't really think we ever found any recommendable solutions.
Mostly, my advice is about loving her exactly as she is, and managing the access to toxic messages she sees.
posted by 10ch at 9:47 AM on June 17, 2021 [5 favorites]
I grew up fighting a body that wants to be fat, with obesity sprinkled around our extended family. One of the most damaging things said to me was "I know you're sneaking food just like (larger relative) does". I wasn't. And neither does that relative, to the very best of my understanding.
The bigger lesson to teach is that you never, ever know what is going on in someone else's life that may show up as an externally observable property. It's a variant on "don't judge", which you've already noted, but with the twist of "there are so many, many things that go wrong and that people struggle with and you'll never know"
The related lesson that I think is valuable is: some people will assume they know, and will assume the worst about you. Those people are out there. That type of snap easy judgement is pervasive in the world, masquerading these days as the term "healthy". Learn to identify when that's happening so you can put up boundaries around it.
posted by Dashy at 9:48 AM on June 17, 2021 [15 favorites]
The bigger lesson to teach is that you never, ever know what is going on in someone else's life that may show up as an externally observable property. It's a variant on "don't judge", which you've already noted, but with the twist of "there are so many, many things that go wrong and that people struggle with and you'll never know"
The related lesson that I think is valuable is: some people will assume they know, and will assume the worst about you. Those people are out there. That type of snap easy judgement is pervasive in the world, masquerading these days as the term "healthy". Learn to identify when that's happening so you can put up boundaries around it.
posted by Dashy at 9:48 AM on June 17, 2021 [15 favorites]
Pursuant to the remark by Dashy above: be aware of how your relatives will act; some of them may actively sabotage your good efforts.
posted by aramaic at 9:54 AM on June 17, 2021 [19 favorites]
posted by aramaic at 9:54 AM on June 17, 2021 [19 favorites]
I was larger than my peers in elementary school although I don't know what you consider "fat". At the time (80s) I sized out of kids' clothes really early so we had to shop in women's stores. What helped was my mom spending a long time helping me find clothes that I really wanted to wear, and altering them (like making them shorter) so they were less frumpy. It might be frustrating to find clothes and a kid's clothing likes/dislikes may seem arbitrary, but comfortable and fun clothing goes a long way in making a kid feel good.
posted by beyond_pink at 9:55 AM on June 17, 2021 [12 favorites]
posted by beyond_pink at 9:55 AM on June 17, 2021 [12 favorites]
My siblings and I all grew up fat. There was definitely some negative body talk from my parents, which I do think led some some internalized self loathing.
I'm older now, and as I've watched my brother with his children, who are both thin, I've noticed that they incorporate more active family times that I know we really didn't do when we were kids, likely because my parents were divorced and without a lot of non-work time, and my parents were pretty sedentary.
There's no talk about weight or bodies in my brother's house, but there is lots of family hiking, everyone attends the kids athletic events for encouragement, and the kids have sports/active things they enjoy doing that they have chosen themselves. The kids take an active role in choosing groceries and in cooking dinner. The parents also model good behavior by having their own active hobbies (running, meditation, etc.) that the kids occasionally join in.
posted by answergrape at 9:58 AM on June 17, 2021 [5 favorites]
I'm older now, and as I've watched my brother with his children, who are both thin, I've noticed that they incorporate more active family times that I know we really didn't do when we were kids, likely because my parents were divorced and without a lot of non-work time, and my parents were pretty sedentary.
There's no talk about weight or bodies in my brother's house, but there is lots of family hiking, everyone attends the kids athletic events for encouragement, and the kids have sports/active things they enjoy doing that they have chosen themselves. The kids take an active role in choosing groceries and in cooking dinner. The parents also model good behavior by having their own active hobbies (running, meditation, etc.) that the kids occasionally join in.
posted by answergrape at 9:58 AM on June 17, 2021 [5 favorites]
I have always been on the heavier side and also developed A LOT, fairly early, so took up more space than I wanted to in multiple ways. There was far, far too much talk about weight in my family. My aunt used to rub my belly and tell me what she thought was in there. It was extremely destructive. I hated my body for a very long time. I wish that I had been guided more toward exploring what my body could DO - I did take dance but when my breasts grew, it felt awkward - instead of focusing on what it looked like. Love that you're asking!!
posted by wellred at 9:59 AM on June 17, 2021 [12 favorites]
posted by wellred at 9:59 AM on June 17, 2021 [12 favorites]
As she gets older, other people are going to feel they have a right to judge her body and will say things both to you and to her, usually couched in some kind of bullshit “concern.” Have a plan for handling those situations that lets her know you have her back unconditionally. Teach her that her body does not exist for public consumption; she will need some way to respond when someone makes their opinion known. Teach her that human metabolism and nutrition are extremely complex and that information on those topics needs to come from people with actual education in those fields, not from civilians. Be aware that a lot of health and science textbooks can be extremely food and weight shaming. If her school requires some kind of weight measurement, either for PE or whatever it is that the school health office does with that information, find out if you can deny permission; adults will seize that opportunity to lecture and judge her and hearing those messages from people in authority can be really damaging.
You sound like an amazing parent.
posted by corey flood at 10:17 AM on June 17, 2021 [23 favorites]
You sound like an amazing parent.
posted by corey flood at 10:17 AM on June 17, 2021 [23 favorites]
definitely take her shopping and maybe to try on lots of clothes so she can decide if there's ones that she feels better in! I have a little sister, who was tinier in all ways (and cuter to my eyes!) than me, and when I was a kid I spent a lot of time comparing myself to her and finding myself the bigger, fatter, less cute version of same sort of mold. (this was totally unintentional on my parents part who thought I was VERY cute, this was an internal comparison)
So if she has any siblings, don't dress them the same and encourage them to find their own styles! and with things like dress up clothes and stuff, try to find ones that aren't so nippy at the waist, etc - I felt like my inability to fit nicely into princess dresses and other cute girly costumes I wanted to wear was a source of feeling bad about myself.
posted by euphoria066 at 10:18 AM on June 17, 2021 [5 favorites]
So if she has any siblings, don't dress them the same and encourage them to find their own styles! and with things like dress up clothes and stuff, try to find ones that aren't so nippy at the waist, etc - I felt like my inability to fit nicely into princess dresses and other cute girly costumes I wanted to wear was a source of feeling bad about myself.
posted by euphoria066 at 10:18 AM on June 17, 2021 [5 favorites]
I just want to recommend the Maintenance Phase podcast, especially the episode on the Presidential Fitness (October 2020) for your thoughts.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:20 AM on June 17, 2021 [13 favorites]
posted by warriorqueen at 10:20 AM on June 17, 2021 [13 favorites]
I was thin as a little kid but chubby as an older kid and then fat as a teen.
Both of my parents were fat. The most hurtful things they did had less to do with how they treated me than with how they talked about themselves. My mom never called me a "tub of lard" but she called herself that, and it wasn't a stretch to infer that she viewed me that way too.
So, I would say watch how you talk about yourself as well as other people. Even if you're thin, you might find yourself self-reprimanding for a poofy tummy, or not fitting into old clothing or the like. Also watch the assumptions you demonstrate about what fat people must eat, what they can wear, or who might love them. I've heard even people who are supposedly against weight prejudice toss off some real zingers and often not apparently be aware of it.
No matter how you handle any premeditated Big Talks about weight, body image, etc. and even if you don't think you are prejudiced, it can seep in because our culture is SO hateful towards fat people.
posted by Flock of Cynthiabirds at 10:23 AM on June 17, 2021 [12 favorites]
Both of my parents were fat. The most hurtful things they did had less to do with how they treated me than with how they talked about themselves. My mom never called me a "tub of lard" but she called herself that, and it wasn't a stretch to infer that she viewed me that way too.
So, I would say watch how you talk about yourself as well as other people. Even if you're thin, you might find yourself self-reprimanding for a poofy tummy, or not fitting into old clothing or the like. Also watch the assumptions you demonstrate about what fat people must eat, what they can wear, or who might love them. I've heard even people who are supposedly against weight prejudice toss off some real zingers and often not apparently be aware of it.
No matter how you handle any premeditated Big Talks about weight, body image, etc. and even if you don't think you are prejudiced, it can seep in because our culture is SO hateful towards fat people.
posted by Flock of Cynthiabirds at 10:23 AM on June 17, 2021 [12 favorites]
I grew up fat with 2 healthy weight parents. My father had a mountain of faults, but how he handled my weight was not one of them, he was great, he never mentioned it never treated me like I couldn't do anything, if I showed him new clothes etc as kids do he was always complementary. Also something I never realized until your question, he would actually actively say nice things about plus sized women in my presence that weren't about their weight. Letting me hear him complimenting what a good actress someone was, or how pretty someone looked or how clever a plus sized business woman we knew was that sort of thing, finding me role models that looked like me in a way that felt natural.
My mother on the other hand was a another very complicated matter. She had always been very thin and an athlete so had a lot of troubles with me being overweight. She would put me into clothes that didn't fit though back 40+ years ago when I was a kid plus sized kids clothes were much harder to find anyway. When I was a teen she would talk about me being fat, would tell me more people would like me if I wasn't fat that sort of thing in a way she was trying to be helpful I think but she however could not teach me any skills to lose weight as she was diabetic and would maintain her weight by forcing herself into ketosis by how she handled her insulin when she wanted to lose weight. So I felt completely lost and alone and in my later teen years would literally over eat and binge to get back at her, a problem I am still trying to cope with 40 years later.
Things that would have helped. The whole family eating healthfully and not me being singled out. All of us doing active family activities, family activities were less of a thing when I was a kid, you were just sent out to play and I think I'd have a lot more healthy habits now if we'd even just done something as simple as walked together everyday. Even if your daughter is fat, there is no reason she can't learn to eat healthy and like to exercise and move her body, not as a weight loss measure but as a how to feel healthy, strong and good in your body measure. These are just as important a habits for her to have as for a skinny person. I'm having to learn them at 50 and it's a bitch.
Make sure she has clothes that look like her peers and fit her well even if you have to have them altered, nothing makes the fat kid stand out more than dressing them in badly fitting clothes. That lead to 2 years of hell in high school that I wouldn't want any teen to go through. Find her fashion role models, or if she's at an age you're still choosing her clothes you find them, don't ever buy clothes simply because "it fits".
posted by wwax at 10:23 AM on June 17, 2021 [20 favorites]
My mother on the other hand was a another very complicated matter. She had always been very thin and an athlete so had a lot of troubles with me being overweight. She would put me into clothes that didn't fit though back 40+ years ago when I was a kid plus sized kids clothes were much harder to find anyway. When I was a teen she would talk about me being fat, would tell me more people would like me if I wasn't fat that sort of thing in a way she was trying to be helpful I think but she however could not teach me any skills to lose weight as she was diabetic and would maintain her weight by forcing herself into ketosis by how she handled her insulin when she wanted to lose weight. So I felt completely lost and alone and in my later teen years would literally over eat and binge to get back at her, a problem I am still trying to cope with 40 years later.
Things that would have helped. The whole family eating healthfully and not me being singled out. All of us doing active family activities, family activities were less of a thing when I was a kid, you were just sent out to play and I think I'd have a lot more healthy habits now if we'd even just done something as simple as walked together everyday. Even if your daughter is fat, there is no reason she can't learn to eat healthy and like to exercise and move her body, not as a weight loss measure but as a how to feel healthy, strong and good in your body measure. These are just as important a habits for her to have as for a skinny person. I'm having to learn them at 50 and it's a bitch.
Make sure she has clothes that look like her peers and fit her well even if you have to have them altered, nothing makes the fat kid stand out more than dressing them in badly fitting clothes. That lead to 2 years of hell in high school that I wouldn't want any teen to go through. Find her fashion role models, or if she's at an age you're still choosing her clothes you find them, don't ever buy clothes simply because "it fits".
posted by wwax at 10:23 AM on June 17, 2021 [20 favorites]
I was skinny and hyper until 4th grade, when I suddenly grew upwards and outwards a great deal. I am a cis bi white male so my experience doesn't completely align.
My parents have criticized my weight occasionally and it hurts, but I still have a very good relationship with them. I have never been thinner for healthy reasons. Depression, drug abuse, and illness have made me thinner at times and it also hurts when family and friends compliment on this.
One thing that helps me feel better is thinking about what my body can do, instead of what it is. Using my body for creativity, intimacy, socialization, and accomplishment is good. Basically the miraculous team of trillions of cells so in harmony with my intent is more important to me than fatness. If I can feel competent and kinesthetic it really helps.
posted by poe at 10:27 AM on June 17, 2021 [7 favorites]
My parents have criticized my weight occasionally and it hurts, but I still have a very good relationship with them. I have never been thinner for healthy reasons. Depression, drug abuse, and illness have made me thinner at times and it also hurts when family and friends compliment on this.
One thing that helps me feel better is thinking about what my body can do, instead of what it is. Using my body for creativity, intimacy, socialization, and accomplishment is good. Basically the miraculous team of trillions of cells so in harmony with my intent is more important to me than fatness. If I can feel competent and kinesthetic it really helps.
posted by poe at 10:27 AM on June 17, 2021 [7 favorites]
If you have the no-negative-talk-about-your-own-or-other-bodies down pat, you're doing really really well. Another important thing, I'd say, is along the lines of what beyond_pink describes above: no matter WHAT her growing body is like, she is going to probably going to need some help navigating its care and clothing and grooming. It is so so important that you meet her where she's at on this stuff and not just sort of... throw up your hands to avoid accidentally suggesting the wrong thing?
My mother was very thin and tall and small-boned/small-chested and I was not any of those things, and she just very early on was like "well I have no idea what to do with a body like yours." As a result, I didn't have a proper bra my entire adolescence, because she just guessed at my size and was WAYYYYY off. (Now, in her defense, it wasn't as easy to LEARN what to do with it in 198[mumble], and Reddit's ABraThatFits didn't exist yet, etc.) Literally when I finally put on a correctly-sized and built bra and saw how I looked, I wept thinking of all the years I had spent embarrassed and self-conscious and hating myself, when I completely didn't have to.
So yeah, make sure you're also taking in all of the diverse body media, and taking note of how folks dress themselves and style themselves and carry themselves. Build a frame of reference so that you can truly guide her when she's trying to find her way.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:28 AM on June 17, 2021 [5 favorites]
My mother was very thin and tall and small-boned/small-chested and I was not any of those things, and she just very early on was like "well I have no idea what to do with a body like yours." As a result, I didn't have a proper bra my entire adolescence, because she just guessed at my size and was WAYYYYY off. (Now, in her defense, it wasn't as easy to LEARN what to do with it in 198[mumble], and Reddit's ABraThatFits didn't exist yet, etc.) Literally when I finally put on a correctly-sized and built bra and saw how I looked, I wept thinking of all the years I had spent embarrassed and self-conscious and hating myself, when I completely didn't have to.
So yeah, make sure you're also taking in all of the diverse body media, and taking note of how folks dress themselves and style themselves and carry themselves. Build a frame of reference so that you can truly guide her when she's trying to find her way.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:28 AM on June 17, 2021 [5 favorites]
Fat kid and now fat adult checking in. My oldest child is overweight as well. I think and worry about this topic all the time because I don't ever want her to grow up feeling like I did, marinating in the extreme fatphobia of the 80s and 90s. I have done a ton of work about this in therapy as it is one of my most challenging parenting issues, not to pass this along to her.
I follow a lot of accounts on Instagram geared toward feeding kids and teaching parents to unwind their childhood beliefs about having to try one bite, clean your plate, what are "bad" foods, having to "earn" dessert by eating your entire dinner, and so on. These accounts have taught me SO much about how not to unconsciously override kids' natural ability to intuit their body's needs, recognize their own hunger levels, differentiate between eating for hunger vs. comfort, etc. Most importantly, it taught me a lot I didn't know about how kids naturally self-manage their own nutrition in a way that looks very different from adults, e.g. most adults try to balance their carbs/protein/etc. over a single day whereas kids do the same but over the course of several weeks. It's why kids commonly eat nothing but crackers for a week and then abruptly switch to only eating strawberries and the next week cheese sticks. I wish more people understood this.
I didn't see joyful movement modeled as a child. I want my own children to grow up seeing me love swimming, dancing, Pilates, walking, hiking; I want movement to be a) fun and b) a celebration of what our bodies can do rather than punishment for having eaten too much. I wear a two-piece swimsuit now but oh my god it took an enormous amount of thought work and challenging old beliefs to give myself that permission because as a kid two-piece swimsuits were relentlessly communicated as "off-limits" to someone with my body type. We were shopping online for bathing suits for my kid the other day and she asked for a bikini and I started to reflexively say no and then thought, wait, why did I just say that? Why couldn't she have one, particularly when they might even fit better? During distance learning when even her PE lessons were online, I noticed she visibly hated and was already faking her way through some of the lessons, like one day it was a bunch of jumping jacks and burpees. After that, we'd take a look at what was scheduled for the day and find something stuff she liked instead. She loves yoga and dance videos, so that's what we did.
My kid is already bumping up against the size limits for kids clothing and we'll be moving to juniors soon even though she's only seven. I can already tell it's going to take far more time and effort to find comfortable and well-fitting clothing for her and I am keenly aware of the need to make sure she knows it is completely worthwhile and necessary use of our time. I never want her to feel like her size is an inconvenience to us because we will now have to go try things on in person now and it's going to take a lot of trial and error and I can no longer just breeze into Target and sling a few new Cat & Jack items into my cart and be on my merry way. As an adult, when someone finally told me, your body is not the problem -- the clothes are -- I felt such an enormous release of stress and shame. I should have known that all along, but I didn't. It was so freeing to be told that outright.
Dealing with fatphobic or critical or shaming comments and attitudes from family, especially grandparents, is the hardest part. These newsletters were critical reading for me in starting to unpack that element and consider how I would handle it going forward now that my daughter is precisely of the age to start internalizing this stuff. My stepmom is extremely thin and intensely exercise-focused and it presents its own set of issues in addition to those of my extended family who all have lifelong struggles with weight. Like she'll eat a few bites of dinner and then loudly proclaim how stuff she is and how much she ate while the rest of us are still eating, or talk really loudly about the five miles she walked AND the long Peloton ride she did AND the weights she lifted all before 7 am while we were all sleeping in or sipping coffee. The last time we were at our family cabin, I had to cause a small scene in blocking her efforts to force my daughter into finishing a hamburger that was too big for her before she was allowed to have a popsicle. That kind of thing.
Thank you for asking this question. You sound like wonderful parents.
posted by anderjen at 10:33 AM on June 17, 2021 [22 favorites]
I follow a lot of accounts on Instagram geared toward feeding kids and teaching parents to unwind their childhood beliefs about having to try one bite, clean your plate, what are "bad" foods, having to "earn" dessert by eating your entire dinner, and so on. These accounts have taught me SO much about how not to unconsciously override kids' natural ability to intuit their body's needs, recognize their own hunger levels, differentiate between eating for hunger vs. comfort, etc. Most importantly, it taught me a lot I didn't know about how kids naturally self-manage their own nutrition in a way that looks very different from adults, e.g. most adults try to balance their carbs/protein/etc. over a single day whereas kids do the same but over the course of several weeks. It's why kids commonly eat nothing but crackers for a week and then abruptly switch to only eating strawberries and the next week cheese sticks. I wish more people understood this.
I didn't see joyful movement modeled as a child. I want my own children to grow up seeing me love swimming, dancing, Pilates, walking, hiking; I want movement to be a) fun and b) a celebration of what our bodies can do rather than punishment for having eaten too much. I wear a two-piece swimsuit now but oh my god it took an enormous amount of thought work and challenging old beliefs to give myself that permission because as a kid two-piece swimsuits were relentlessly communicated as "off-limits" to someone with my body type. We were shopping online for bathing suits for my kid the other day and she asked for a bikini and I started to reflexively say no and then thought, wait, why did I just say that? Why couldn't she have one, particularly when they might even fit better? During distance learning when even her PE lessons were online, I noticed she visibly hated and was already faking her way through some of the lessons, like one day it was a bunch of jumping jacks and burpees. After that, we'd take a look at what was scheduled for the day and find something stuff she liked instead. She loves yoga and dance videos, so that's what we did.
My kid is already bumping up against the size limits for kids clothing and we'll be moving to juniors soon even though she's only seven. I can already tell it's going to take far more time and effort to find comfortable and well-fitting clothing for her and I am keenly aware of the need to make sure she knows it is completely worthwhile and necessary use of our time. I never want her to feel like her size is an inconvenience to us because we will now have to go try things on in person now and it's going to take a lot of trial and error and I can no longer just breeze into Target and sling a few new Cat & Jack items into my cart and be on my merry way. As an adult, when someone finally told me, your body is not the problem -- the clothes are -- I felt such an enormous release of stress and shame. I should have known that all along, but I didn't. It was so freeing to be told that outright.
Dealing with fatphobic or critical or shaming comments and attitudes from family, especially grandparents, is the hardest part. These newsletters were critical reading for me in starting to unpack that element and consider how I would handle it going forward now that my daughter is precisely of the age to start internalizing this stuff. My stepmom is extremely thin and intensely exercise-focused and it presents its own set of issues in addition to those of my extended family who all have lifelong struggles with weight. Like she'll eat a few bites of dinner and then loudly proclaim how stuff she is and how much she ate while the rest of us are still eating, or talk really loudly about the five miles she walked AND the long Peloton ride she did AND the weights she lifted all before 7 am while we were all sleeping in or sipping coffee. The last time we were at our family cabin, I had to cause a small scene in blocking her efforts to force my daughter into finishing a hamburger that was too big for her before she was allowed to have a popsicle. That kind of thing.
Thank you for asking this question. You sound like wonderful parents.
posted by anderjen at 10:33 AM on June 17, 2021 [22 favorites]
I grew up fat in a fat family. Unhealthy foods were always the rewards for all kinds of things. Feeling sad, have ice cream. Feeling happy, have ice cream. My dad also modeled terrible yo-yo dieting on the very horrible Atkins diet on and off for 50 years. AND despite his own issues, he frequently made terrible comments to me and I grew up with a lot of self-loathing. I'm pretty sure you're not going to do any of that.
I lost all the weight (72 lbs) finally and happily at the age of 51 with only walking for exercise, no calorie counting. And I eat a LOT. I am happy to share the details (with anyone) by memail, but that wasn't your question.
Your daughter is lucky to have such caring parents!
posted by Glinn at 10:42 AM on June 17, 2021
I lost all the weight (72 lbs) finally and happily at the age of 51 with only walking for exercise, no calorie counting. And I eat a LOT. I am happy to share the details (with anyone) by memail, but that wasn't your question.
Your daughter is lucky to have such caring parents!
posted by Glinn at 10:42 AM on June 17, 2021
Find a pediatrician that actively respects their patients, fat or otherwise, and understands the damage caused by the Obesity Epidemic mantra. Help your daughter develop lifelong skills around interacting with the medical community.
posted by happy_cat at 10:44 AM on June 17, 2021 [15 favorites]
posted by happy_cat at 10:44 AM on June 17, 2021 [15 favorites]
Find a pediatrician that actively respects their patients, fat or otherwise, and understands the damage caused by the Obesity Epidemic mantra. Help your daughter develop lifelong skills around interacting with the medical community.
OHHH, yes, so much this! I forgot to mention this in my earlier comment, but we switched pediatricians because of an inability to appropriately manage their feelings and comments around obesity IN FRONT OF OUR KID and I made sure to write to the clinic afterward informing them exactly why.
posted by anderjen at 10:59 AM on June 17, 2021 [9 favorites]
OHHH, yes, so much this! I forgot to mention this in my earlier comment, but we switched pediatricians because of an inability to appropriately manage their feelings and comments around obesity IN FRONT OF OUR KID and I made sure to write to the clinic afterward informing them exactly why.
posted by anderjen at 10:59 AM on June 17, 2021 [9 favorites]
What my parents did with me, their fat daughter: fought about my weight, loudly so I could hear, put me on diets but then my mom would feed me junk food if I was sad, my dad always commented on fat women out in the world in a negative way, praised me when I lost a lot of weight (I was in my early 20s and doing a lot of amphetamines, my body is not meant to be thin), were disappointed when I gained it back.
What I wish they had done: what you are describing! But also, I wish I had been able to tell someone when I was bullied at school for my weight, and strongly agree that you should be prepared to talk about this when/if it happens. I have noticed, in the last few years, that the kids and teens I teach are a lot less mean about this than my generation, so there’s hope there for sure. I also wish that physical activity hadn’t only been related to trying to lose weight; it wasn’t until my 30s that I was able to think of exercise as something fun and not something with the express goal of changing my body.
posted by nancynickerson at 11:07 AM on June 17, 2021 [7 favorites]
What I wish they had done: what you are describing! But also, I wish I had been able to tell someone when I was bullied at school for my weight, and strongly agree that you should be prepared to talk about this when/if it happens. I have noticed, in the last few years, that the kids and teens I teach are a lot less mean about this than my generation, so there’s hope there for sure. I also wish that physical activity hadn’t only been related to trying to lose weight; it wasn’t until my 30s that I was able to think of exercise as something fun and not something with the express goal of changing my body.
posted by nancynickerson at 11:07 AM on June 17, 2021 [7 favorites]
I grew up fat and am still fat. I have fat parents now, but they weren't fat when I was very young. I am so glad you are asking about this, you can't know how much it would have changed my life and my health to have my fatness addressed more thoughtfully when I was a child.
Good: My parents said lots of good things about my body and didn't ever restrict food or comment on what I ate. We ate lots of healthy things and homemade things, and they offered variety and balance but I don't remember food having "bad" or "good" labels attached to it. I learned all that at school and from media. I wish they had limited more of the advertising I saw.
They commented positively on my appearance and made sure I had clothes that fit my body whatever size it was. My mom bought me two piece bathing suits and crop tops and didn't freak out about it.
Bad: My mom especially was constantly in weight watchers or other weight loss schemes, and always framed it as "getting healthier." I know you said you would be mindful of talking about your bodies or others' bodies, but be mindful too of wellness culture and the way it equates thinness and health.
My grandmother is very fat phobic and says awful things about fat people and people who dress in ways she deems unflattering. I wish my parents had asked her not to say things like this, or had talked to me about her behavior and explained that they didn't think she was right but that she was impossible to stop. I still worry about what I wear when I see her.
My doctor constantly talked about my weight and recommended weight loss programs; I remember this happening at the doctor from the time I was 7 or 8 years old. My parents never signed me up for any of it, but I wish they had asked the doctor to stop.
posted by assenav at 11:11 AM on June 17, 2021 [6 favorites]
Good: My parents said lots of good things about my body and didn't ever restrict food or comment on what I ate. We ate lots of healthy things and homemade things, and they offered variety and balance but I don't remember food having "bad" or "good" labels attached to it. I learned all that at school and from media. I wish they had limited more of the advertising I saw.
They commented positively on my appearance and made sure I had clothes that fit my body whatever size it was. My mom bought me two piece bathing suits and crop tops and didn't freak out about it.
Bad: My mom especially was constantly in weight watchers or other weight loss schemes, and always framed it as "getting healthier." I know you said you would be mindful of talking about your bodies or others' bodies, but be mindful too of wellness culture and the way it equates thinness and health.
My grandmother is very fat phobic and says awful things about fat people and people who dress in ways she deems unflattering. I wish my parents had asked her not to say things like this, or had talked to me about her behavior and explained that they didn't think she was right but that she was impossible to stop. I still worry about what I wear when I see her.
My doctor constantly talked about my weight and recommended weight loss programs; I remember this happening at the doctor from the time I was 7 or 8 years old. My parents never signed me up for any of it, but I wish they had asked the doctor to stop.
posted by assenav at 11:11 AM on June 17, 2021 [6 favorites]
Just here to recommend the Burnt Toast newsletter as a great resource on this topic.
posted by Jaclyn at 11:15 AM on June 17, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by Jaclyn at 11:15 AM on June 17, 2021 [1 favorite]
I'm overweight (no longer obese), all of the female members of my family are overweight/obese.
What my parents did well: taught all of their kids to love vegetables. Introduced us to the joy that is in-season fruit like cantaloupe.
What my parents didn't do well: junk food (chips ahoy in particular) is not a healthy snack and should not be taught that it is. Not all family events need to be centered around food, and my visiting does not need to be an excuse for all the treats that I don't want to eat but have a hard time saying no to.
They still think I can and want to eat everything. I don't.
posted by Ms Vegetable at 11:28 AM on June 17, 2021 [2 favorites]
What my parents did well: taught all of their kids to love vegetables. Introduced us to the joy that is in-season fruit like cantaloupe.
What my parents didn't do well: junk food (chips ahoy in particular) is not a healthy snack and should not be taught that it is. Not all family events need to be centered around food, and my visiting does not need to be an excuse for all the treats that I don't want to eat but have a hard time saying no to.
They still think I can and want to eat everything. I don't.
posted by Ms Vegetable at 11:28 AM on June 17, 2021 [2 favorites]
Bad: My mom especially was constantly in weight watchers or other weight loss schemes, and always framed it as "getting healthier." I know you said you would be mindful of talking about your bodies or others' bodies, but be mindful too of wellness culture and the way it equates thinness and health.
this is a good point. i was not fat until later in life but the most damaging comments as a teen were often framed as teaching moments like how this dress would look better than me than the other one. Or how this way of eating is better than another way. or here are some athletic clothes. it wasn't necessarily negative talk about my body, but the underlying message was i needed fixing. my body needed fixing. even in the positive comments it can come through, if you overcompensate while trying to build self esteem.
posted by domino at 11:34 AM on June 17, 2021 [7 favorites]
this is a good point. i was not fat until later in life but the most damaging comments as a teen were often framed as teaching moments like how this dress would look better than me than the other one. Or how this way of eating is better than another way. or here are some athletic clothes. it wasn't necessarily negative talk about my body, but the underlying message was i needed fixing. my body needed fixing. even in the positive comments it can come through, if you overcompensate while trying to build self esteem.
posted by domino at 11:34 AM on June 17, 2021 [7 favorites]
Good: making me go on family walks, having active vacations at the beach, not having soda or chips in the house - ever.
Bad: regular overeating at snack time with crackers and cookies, not paying attention to my health and the difficulties I had exercising - I found those walks exhausting and couldn’t run for five minutes. I discovered as an adult that I had asthma and anemia.
posted by bq at 11:40 AM on June 17, 2021 [2 favorites]
Bad: regular overeating at snack time with crackers and cookies, not paying attention to my health and the difficulties I had exercising - I found those walks exhausting and couldn’t run for five minutes. I discovered as an adult that I had asthma and anemia.
posted by bq at 11:40 AM on June 17, 2021 [2 favorites]
I grew up fat and have been fat on and off throughout my adulthood. From your post, it seems very unlikely that you'd ever put your child on a diet, but just in case: please do not put your child on a diet. My mother put me on basically every diet under the sun, and it really fucked up my relationship with food. I ended up in eating disorder therapy and I still have to be very aware of my relationship with food if I want to stay mentally and emotionally healthy.
Also, as above: if your child ever tells you they are being bullied, or that people at school are mean to them, please believe them and take appropriate action. Don't tell them to buck up and deal with it, or to let the mean comments roll off.
posted by woodvine at 11:44 AM on June 17, 2021 [11 favorites]
Also, as above: if your child ever tells you they are being bullied, or that people at school are mean to them, please believe them and take appropriate action. Don't tell them to buck up and deal with it, or to let the mean comments roll off.
posted by woodvine at 11:44 AM on June 17, 2021 [11 favorites]
Much excellent advice I won't repeat.
One thing I haven't seen yet: If you should ever notice your child using food as comfort or to self-soothe -- as I did, and still do sometimes -- please help and comfort the child without reference to the food. My parents combined zero comfort/help with enforced diets as described by woodvine above... and just, don't do that please.
posted by humbug at 11:48 AM on June 17, 2021 [14 favorites]
One thing I haven't seen yet: If you should ever notice your child using food as comfort or to self-soothe -- as I did, and still do sometimes -- please help and comfort the child without reference to the food. My parents combined zero comfort/help with enforced diets as described by woodvine above... and just, don't do that please.
posted by humbug at 11:48 AM on June 17, 2021 [14 favorites]
Something that I haven't seen bluntly articulated yet: the reason it's important to have joyful movement and exercise be part of your family life is because all the messaging around exercise in this country is focused on weight loss. Many fat people (myself included), feel that exercise is not for them, or we go to exercise classes and they constantly talk about burning calories, and really, regardless of size, exercise/movement is good for you and can make your body feel good! If you can model that for your daughter, that would be powerful.
I'd also like to second not using food as comfort/self-soothe (generally). To a certain extent, it is 100% normal to do that, but be careful not to reward/distract feelings with food and help teach her other emotional coping skills. Gottman's Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child is a good resource if you need one.
posted by purple_bird at 11:58 AM on June 17, 2021 [18 favorites]
I'd also like to second not using food as comfort/self-soothe (generally). To a certain extent, it is 100% normal to do that, but be careful not to reward/distract feelings with food and help teach her other emotional coping skills. Gottman's Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child is a good resource if you need one.
posted by purple_bird at 11:58 AM on June 17, 2021 [18 favorites]
I didn't learn how to buy clothes until I was an adult. This was not specifically a fat issue, as neither of my parents has any fashion sense, but it certainly didn't help me as a fat kid to also have no sense of what clothes I liked or how to choose clothes that made me feel great. Mostly my clothes were there to cover my body, and if they fit then they were fine.
It was a shock to me to learn that I had to try on WAY more than 2-3 pairs of pants to not only find ones that fit, but also ones I *liked* - but then every time I wore those pants I knew they looked good. I was in my mid-30's, and could have learned that earlier. I am far too good at knowing I am poorly dressed and brazening it out, because I did that for years. Teach your kid how to buy clothes thoughtfully.
posted by Vatnesine at 11:59 AM on June 17, 2021 [4 favorites]
It was a shock to me to learn that I had to try on WAY more than 2-3 pairs of pants to not only find ones that fit, but also ones I *liked* - but then every time I wore those pants I knew they looked good. I was in my mid-30's, and could have learned that earlier. I am far too good at knowing I am poorly dressed and brazening it out, because I did that for years. Teach your kid how to buy clothes thoughtfully.
posted by Vatnesine at 11:59 AM on June 17, 2021 [4 favorites]
commenting again to hopefully better answer the question:
(as an aside, "fat" is not a negative word to me)
i hate many of my features because i look a lot like my mom, and my entire childhood she was negative about so much of her appearance/body/weight. don't do that, at least in front of your kid.
if your kid comes to you and says people are being awful to her, believe her. if your kid says she doesn't want to do X activity again because people were awful to her don't make her go again.
help her find clothes that make her feel good in whatever form that takes. that is likely a lot easier now than 30 years ago. there is so much more out there now than just the fat lady stores of my youth. realize that "fat clothes" are likely more expensive so you may have to budget for that.
if she is in an activity that requires a uniform, make sure they give her one that fits and don't just jam her in the closest size they have. either they provide it or tell you where you can buy one that fits.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 12:06 PM on June 17, 2021 [5 favorites]
(as an aside, "fat" is not a negative word to me)
i hate many of my features because i look a lot like my mom, and my entire childhood she was negative about so much of her appearance/body/weight. don't do that, at least in front of your kid.
if your kid comes to you and says people are being awful to her, believe her. if your kid says she doesn't want to do X activity again because people were awful to her don't make her go again.
help her find clothes that make her feel good in whatever form that takes. that is likely a lot easier now than 30 years ago. there is so much more out there now than just the fat lady stores of my youth. realize that "fat clothes" are likely more expensive so you may have to budget for that.
if she is in an activity that requires a uniform, make sure they give her one that fits and don't just jam her in the closest size they have. either they provide it or tell you where you can buy one that fits.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 12:06 PM on June 17, 2021 [5 favorites]
Only mentioning in case it seems relevant: the ADHD/obesity link definitely applied to me, and still does.
Also nth-ing everyone who has said that setting examples re: people outside of your household, especially family, authority figures and healthcare providers, is important. I'd even take some time to think about what you might say in those situations if they come up. Sometimes, there's zero warning because "stunned silence" is their desired outcome.
posted by gnomeloaf at 12:15 PM on June 17, 2021 [3 favorites]
Also nth-ing everyone who has said that setting examples re: people outside of your household, especially family, authority figures and healthcare providers, is important. I'd even take some time to think about what you might say in those situations if they come up. Sometimes, there's zero warning because "stunned silence" is their desired outcome.
posted by gnomeloaf at 12:15 PM on June 17, 2021 [3 favorites]
Seeing the comments about exercise.
Something that my parents did that was good: got me into horseback riding lessons and later got me a membership at the Y because I like aerobics class. These are movement activities that I enjoy and that make me feel good, regardless of my size. They did not make me participate in team sports that I was terrible at and did not enjoy.
(In case I wasn't clear: I have always been overweight. I think I was at a "healthy" size maybe 6 months ever?)
Re: clothing. I went to a school that wore uniforms, and it was a relief that everybody wore clothes that weren't flattering; I didn't stick out because of that. The company really made all the sizes for all the kids; it wasn't a "we stop at size XYZ" kind of thing.
posted by Ms Vegetable at 12:16 PM on June 17, 2021 [2 favorites]
Something that my parents did that was good: got me into horseback riding lessons and later got me a membership at the Y because I like aerobics class. These are movement activities that I enjoy and that make me feel good, regardless of my size. They did not make me participate in team sports that I was terrible at and did not enjoy.
(In case I wasn't clear: I have always been overweight. I think I was at a "healthy" size maybe 6 months ever?)
Re: clothing. I went to a school that wore uniforms, and it was a relief that everybody wore clothes that weren't flattering; I didn't stick out because of that. The company really made all the sizes for all the kids; it wasn't a "we stop at size XYZ" kind of thing.
posted by Ms Vegetable at 12:16 PM on June 17, 2021 [2 favorites]
Born fat of fat parents. My parents were terribly embarrassed by me and left me to figure out how to deal with my obesity myself.
Being poor, we basically ate garbage and I didn't learn how to eat properly until I was an adult. If I was going to offer some good advice to a child, I teach the kid how to eat right: reasonable portions of a variety of wholesome foods. The kid might never be thin, but there's a lifetime of damage that the child can avoid by understanding simple nutrition.
posted by SPrintF at 12:38 PM on June 17, 2021 [2 favorites]
Being poor, we basically ate garbage and I didn't learn how to eat properly until I was an adult. If I was going to offer some good advice to a child, I teach the kid how to eat right: reasonable portions of a variety of wholesome foods. The kid might never be thin, but there's a lifetime of damage that the child can avoid by understanding simple nutrition.
posted by SPrintF at 12:38 PM on June 17, 2021 [2 favorites]
Grew up at various levels of fatness, and am currently fat. My mom has always been straight sized; my dad grew up thin and has gained weight as he has aged, and mostly been fat since I was in middle school. I have only recently (like, during the pandemic) started to unpack my internalized anti-fat bias and consider what my life would look like in the absence of constant attempts to change my body. My experiences are in line with a lot of what has been said upthread.
My parents, mom especially, were constantly talking about diets and weight. My mom has always remarked how terrible she looks in photos (untrue!) and commented on her weight and attempts to change it. Exercise was usually discussed in relationship to diet, and "joyful movement" was not something that was a part of my childhood. I'm still trying to re-learn how to appreciate movement and activities independent of their health morality.
I've never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, probably because fat people with disordered eating receive positive reinforcement for trying to lose weight. I certainly have a disordered relationship with food, and did not recognize it as such until my therapist recommended looking in to intuitive eating, when discussing how distressing I find the process of meal prep/trying to keep myself fed. I've since been turning this over in my mind, and feeding myself has become a herculean task because I have so many internalized food rules. Anyway.
Things I wish my parents had done differently: No diet talk, from them or from doctors, about them or me. Modeled activity as a fun thing, not something that was done for "health" and weight loss. Critical discussions of the anti-fat bias that our culture is seeped in, including the current "wellness" trend. Banned "women's magazines" from the house (Self, Shape, etc. were frequently around). Not remarking on people's bodies (discussions of people in their social circle's weight gain/loss, along with their own).
In addition to echoing the Maintenance Phase podcast recommendation above, I also wanted to add the book "What we don't talk about when we talk about fat" by Aubrey Gordon (@yrfatfriend), one of the Maintenance Phase hosts. I just finished listening to it, and it was remarkable.
posted by bluloo at 1:14 PM on June 17, 2021 [4 favorites]
My parents, mom especially, were constantly talking about diets and weight. My mom has always remarked how terrible she looks in photos (untrue!) and commented on her weight and attempts to change it. Exercise was usually discussed in relationship to diet, and "joyful movement" was not something that was a part of my childhood. I'm still trying to re-learn how to appreciate movement and activities independent of their health morality.
I've never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, probably because fat people with disordered eating receive positive reinforcement for trying to lose weight. I certainly have a disordered relationship with food, and did not recognize it as such until my therapist recommended looking in to intuitive eating, when discussing how distressing I find the process of meal prep/trying to keep myself fed. I've since been turning this over in my mind, and feeding myself has become a herculean task because I have so many internalized food rules. Anyway.
Things I wish my parents had done differently: No diet talk, from them or from doctors, about them or me. Modeled activity as a fun thing, not something that was done for "health" and weight loss. Critical discussions of the anti-fat bias that our culture is seeped in, including the current "wellness" trend. Banned "women's magazines" from the house (Self, Shape, etc. were frequently around). Not remarking on people's bodies (discussions of people in their social circle's weight gain/loss, along with their own).
In addition to echoing the Maintenance Phase podcast recommendation above, I also wanted to add the book "What we don't talk about when we talk about fat" by Aubrey Gordon (@yrfatfriend), one of the Maintenance Phase hosts. I just finished listening to it, and it was remarkable.
posted by bluloo at 1:14 PM on June 17, 2021 [4 favorites]
It's been really useful for me to understand hormonal hunger cycles and genetic fat distribution. My hunger cycle peaks in the morning hours which means I crave a lot of calorie intake in the morning and it tapers off in the afternoon and evening. This cycle was completely opposite to my family's eating cycle: no breakfast, salad lunch, heavy dinner and dessert. This lead to me eating a lot all the time, and feeling at war with my body.
Add to that the additional hunger cues that young women get because their body wants to build up fat distribution in anticipation of pregnancy. I had these raging hunger bits that didn't go away even if I ate until I was completely full; I remember sitting and crying and my mother telling me she went through the same thing. It really helped me to understand that my hormones made my hunger much more intense and not related to how full I was instead of beating myself up about being so hungry.
Also, the women in my family carry lactation fat in their thighs and on the belly, so we were the opposite of the aesthetic vogue physically. I still get criticized for the fat distribution on my body, and explaining to people that it's a genetic trait doesn't really satisfy people who think I should have a completely flat belly and small thighs.
Understanding more about how my body works has really helped me be impervious to comments from other people. I hope a similar approach for your daughter would be helpful as well.
posted by effluvia at 1:37 PM on June 17, 2021 [2 favorites]
Add to that the additional hunger cues that young women get because their body wants to build up fat distribution in anticipation of pregnancy. I had these raging hunger bits that didn't go away even if I ate until I was completely full; I remember sitting and crying and my mother telling me she went through the same thing. It really helped me to understand that my hormones made my hunger much more intense and not related to how full I was instead of beating myself up about being so hungry.
Also, the women in my family carry lactation fat in their thighs and on the belly, so we were the opposite of the aesthetic vogue physically. I still get criticized for the fat distribution on my body, and explaining to people that it's a genetic trait doesn't really satisfy people who think I should have a completely flat belly and small thighs.
Understanding more about how my body works has really helped me be impervious to comments from other people. I hope a similar approach for your daughter would be helpful as well.
posted by effluvia at 1:37 PM on June 17, 2021 [2 favorites]
All the advice above is good advice. I wish I'd had parents like you.
I was born to a self-hating fat mother and a normal-weight dad who enjoyed being active but felt like he should be more active. I was skinny until pre-puberty and have pendulated between US womens' sizes 12-18 about every 5 years since then. I cannot emphasize enough how important the theme of "HAVE YOUR KID'S BACK AT ALL TIMES AGAINST THIS HORRIBLE, MEAN WORLD" is in all of the places it has appeared upthread. You are raising a child who belongs to an oppressed social group to which you do not belong. This means they will have experiences that do not line up with your childhood experiences. The world will ask them to take several orders of magnitude more shit than it EVER asked you to take, even as a woman. They will experience microaggressions that you may not even recognize right now. If you do not show your child that you believe them about the way they are treated, they will trust you a little less every time, and they will accustom themselves to accepting a certain level of disrespect if you treat it as "no big deal" or something that can be cured with the "just smile and be yourself!" approach.
posted by All hands bury the dead at 2:00 PM on June 17, 2021 [8 favorites]
I was born to a self-hating fat mother and a normal-weight dad who enjoyed being active but felt like he should be more active. I was skinny until pre-puberty and have pendulated between US womens' sizes 12-18 about every 5 years since then. I cannot emphasize enough how important the theme of "HAVE YOUR KID'S BACK AT ALL TIMES AGAINST THIS HORRIBLE, MEAN WORLD" is in all of the places it has appeared upthread. You are raising a child who belongs to an oppressed social group to which you do not belong. This means they will have experiences that do not line up with your childhood experiences. The world will ask them to take several orders of magnitude more shit than it EVER asked you to take, even as a woman. They will experience microaggressions that you may not even recognize right now. If you do not show your child that you believe them about the way they are treated, they will trust you a little less every time, and they will accustom themselves to accepting a certain level of disrespect if you treat it as "no big deal" or something that can be cured with the "just smile and be yourself!" approach.
posted by All hands bury the dead at 2:00 PM on June 17, 2021 [8 favorites]
I was a fat kid (70's/80's), and I am a fat adult. My mother was also fat (to varying degrees... a yo-yo dieter). While she was not openly negative about my weight, she certainly was about her own. And that permeated my own self-worth. Of the many wonderful comments above... these totally hit the mark with my own experience:
Model joyful movement- my mother was always exercising- old school calisthenics or aerobics to lose weight. Sometimes I joined her. I hated it. I was SCARRED by Presidential Physical Fitness tests. I was always strong and enjoyed things like bike riding (which I associated more as "play" than exercise). The biggest loss for me was swimming. I loved the water as a kid, my mom put me in lessons, I was naturally attuned to the water. But as I got fatter, and my self esteem went down and I was too embarrassed to swim. I was 40 before I rediscovered that joy, and pre-covid I was swimming 3 miles a week. My pool opens next week, and I am literally giddy. Help your kid find and keep movement that she loves.
Acknowledging/complimenting fat folk- SO IMPORTANT... when the commenter above spoke of her father complimenting fat women, it truly struck a cord. If fat people aren't being openly mocked, then we are frequently erased. And those who live fully and unapologetically are slammed for "promoting obesity". I had so few positive fat role models as a kid (but the few I did have... Brigid Berlin and Ricki Lake, pushed me in some interesting directions). There are so many more fat public figures now... but even that can be tricky territory because many of them end up feeling that they must lose weight. But conveying that fat people have worth is essential.
Clothing/ sense of style- this is so much easier than it was when I was a kid... but yes, fat kids may need a little more help finding clothes that not only fit, but suit their sense of style. So much will depend on your kid's personality... whether they want to stand out or fit in... but help them find clothes they feel good about.
I am also all for normalizing the word fat. Fat should have no moral value.
posted by kimdog at 2:36 PM on June 17, 2021 [5 favorites]
Model joyful movement- my mother was always exercising- old school calisthenics or aerobics to lose weight. Sometimes I joined her. I hated it. I was SCARRED by Presidential Physical Fitness tests. I was always strong and enjoyed things like bike riding (which I associated more as "play" than exercise). The biggest loss for me was swimming. I loved the water as a kid, my mom put me in lessons, I was naturally attuned to the water. But as I got fatter, and my self esteem went down and I was too embarrassed to swim. I was 40 before I rediscovered that joy, and pre-covid I was swimming 3 miles a week. My pool opens next week, and I am literally giddy. Help your kid find and keep movement that she loves.
Acknowledging/complimenting fat folk- SO IMPORTANT... when the commenter above spoke of her father complimenting fat women, it truly struck a cord. If fat people aren't being openly mocked, then we are frequently erased. And those who live fully and unapologetically are slammed for "promoting obesity". I had so few positive fat role models as a kid (but the few I did have... Brigid Berlin and Ricki Lake, pushed me in some interesting directions). There are so many more fat public figures now... but even that can be tricky territory because many of them end up feeling that they must lose weight. But conveying that fat people have worth is essential.
Clothing/ sense of style- this is so much easier than it was when I was a kid... but yes, fat kids may need a little more help finding clothes that not only fit, but suit their sense of style. So much will depend on your kid's personality... whether they want to stand out or fit in... but help them find clothes they feel good about.
I am also all for normalizing the word fat. Fat should have no moral value.
posted by kimdog at 2:36 PM on June 17, 2021 [5 favorites]
There's lots of good information on emotional support in this thread, but I wanted to talk about a few ways that my family managed food and meals when I was growing up that made things very difficult for me. (I grew up as a very fat kid in an overweight family.)
Even when I was a teenager, I was only allowed to use the microwave to cook food, and my parents would generally purchase ready-made microwave foods to eat. While I understand that they were looking to avoid messes or mishaps, the majority of these meals were quite bad both in terms of both nutrition and flavor; the ones that were nutritious were neither satisfying or flavorful, and the less nutritious ones but flavorful ones were high-fat, high-carb, high-sodium processed food.
I'm a very tall, thick guy even if I've got my weight under control, and I've found that perhaps more so than others, in order to stave off serious hunger, I need to prioritize having a significant amount of lean protein and fiber as the foundation of every meal. This was never a topic broached in the family, and I don't believe that my parents ever truly understood the basics of nutrition - meals were very carbohydrate and fat-heavy with limited protein. Unfortunately, at the time this wasn't contradicted by what we got at school, either; both the government's food guidance and the meals in the cafeteria stressed a primary diet of grain-based carbohydrates with limited non-dairy proteins. I spent my childhood being hungry while putting on weight.
The irony is that everyone involved counseled me as a large boy on the dangers of soda, candy, ice cream and chips as junk food. True, to be sure, but those typically weren't the issue. Nevertheless, pizza was still considered a healthy meal that contained all of the food groups (!), pasta and bread were unlimited, and vegetables were prepared with big helpings of butter or cheese or oil, whether in my parent's home, the school cafeteria, or the restaurants we'd visit.
Ultimately, not only were there few models of healthy meals for me, I was totally without agency - there was really no serious way for me to actually make a healthy meal that would satisfy my hunger and wasn't kind of a disgusting mess out of the microwave. I wasn't allowed to use the tools, I couldn't choose the raw materials. Without oven-roasting or broiling or poaching or steaming or grilling as possibilities, without a cabinet full of spices, I was caught in a bad position. I was lectured instead try to eat smaller quantities of the high-carb, high-fat foods I was given - but when I was already hungry as a growing boy, trying to cut back resulted in nothing but gnawing, genuinely painful hunger.
The happy ending to this story is that after I lived on my own for a few years, doing some good independent reading on nutrition, and experimenting in my own kitchen free of the restrictions of my parents' home or the dorms, I realized that I'd really need to seriously learn to cook to have any chance of keeping my weight under control. A revelation for me was to not think of cooking as "baking" - virtually the only way parents would cook when they used the oven - but as food preparation. A couple of decades later, and I'm pleased to say that I can reliably whip up some delicious, nutritious home-cooked dinners. My weight has fluctuated throughout the years, but I've remained far under that post-college high.
Before I wrap up, I want to share that I was fairly active even though I had a fairly severe problem with my weight. Summers were spent at local parks, swimming, riding my bike around the neighborhood. I've always been genuinely active, and I found calls to "be more active" to be frustrating or condescending at best; my weight losses have always been primarily motivated by times when I feel like I've lost the ability to be as active as I've desired. I've never been able to serious lose weight increasing activity (not for lack of trying), weight loss has always had to have been through controlling my diet. To be honest, I find weight loss programs that focus on exercise more so than a healthy, restricted-calorie diet - whether high school gym or The Biggest Loser - to be counterproductive and often sadistic. Encourage natural activity, but at some point, excessive structured exercise for the sole intention of weight loss can be cruel.
So, my advice: cook and serve healthy, satisfying meals that prioritize lean protein and fiber, then as they get older, involve your child in making the meals and in choosing healthy foods that they find most satisfying and palatable. I hope this helps.
posted by I EAT TAPAS at 3:04 PM on June 17, 2021 [7 favorites]
Even when I was a teenager, I was only allowed to use the microwave to cook food, and my parents would generally purchase ready-made microwave foods to eat. While I understand that they were looking to avoid messes or mishaps, the majority of these meals were quite bad both in terms of both nutrition and flavor; the ones that were nutritious were neither satisfying or flavorful, and the less nutritious ones but flavorful ones were high-fat, high-carb, high-sodium processed food.
I'm a very tall, thick guy even if I've got my weight under control, and I've found that perhaps more so than others, in order to stave off serious hunger, I need to prioritize having a significant amount of lean protein and fiber as the foundation of every meal. This was never a topic broached in the family, and I don't believe that my parents ever truly understood the basics of nutrition - meals were very carbohydrate and fat-heavy with limited protein. Unfortunately, at the time this wasn't contradicted by what we got at school, either; both the government's food guidance and the meals in the cafeteria stressed a primary diet of grain-based carbohydrates with limited non-dairy proteins. I spent my childhood being hungry while putting on weight.
The irony is that everyone involved counseled me as a large boy on the dangers of soda, candy, ice cream and chips as junk food. True, to be sure, but those typically weren't the issue. Nevertheless, pizza was still considered a healthy meal that contained all of the food groups (!), pasta and bread were unlimited, and vegetables were prepared with big helpings of butter or cheese or oil, whether in my parent's home, the school cafeteria, or the restaurants we'd visit.
Ultimately, not only were there few models of healthy meals for me, I was totally without agency - there was really no serious way for me to actually make a healthy meal that would satisfy my hunger and wasn't kind of a disgusting mess out of the microwave. I wasn't allowed to use the tools, I couldn't choose the raw materials. Without oven-roasting or broiling or poaching or steaming or grilling as possibilities, without a cabinet full of spices, I was caught in a bad position. I was lectured instead try to eat smaller quantities of the high-carb, high-fat foods I was given - but when I was already hungry as a growing boy, trying to cut back resulted in nothing but gnawing, genuinely painful hunger.
The happy ending to this story is that after I lived on my own for a few years, doing some good independent reading on nutrition, and experimenting in my own kitchen free of the restrictions of my parents' home or the dorms, I realized that I'd really need to seriously learn to cook to have any chance of keeping my weight under control. A revelation for me was to not think of cooking as "baking" - virtually the only way parents would cook when they used the oven - but as food preparation. A couple of decades later, and I'm pleased to say that I can reliably whip up some delicious, nutritious home-cooked dinners. My weight has fluctuated throughout the years, but I've remained far under that post-college high.
Before I wrap up, I want to share that I was fairly active even though I had a fairly severe problem with my weight. Summers were spent at local parks, swimming, riding my bike around the neighborhood. I've always been genuinely active, and I found calls to "be more active" to be frustrating or condescending at best; my weight losses have always been primarily motivated by times when I feel like I've lost the ability to be as active as I've desired. I've never been able to serious lose weight increasing activity (not for lack of trying), weight loss has always had to have been through controlling my diet. To be honest, I find weight loss programs that focus on exercise more so than a healthy, restricted-calorie diet - whether high school gym or The Biggest Loser - to be counterproductive and often sadistic. Encourage natural activity, but at some point, excessive structured exercise for the sole intention of weight loss can be cruel.
So, my advice: cook and serve healthy, satisfying meals that prioritize lean protein and fiber, then as they get older, involve your child in making the meals and in choosing healthy foods that they find most satisfying and palatable. I hope this helps.
posted by I EAT TAPAS at 3:04 PM on June 17, 2021 [7 favorites]
Standard sizes of things - all things - can be problematic for the overweight and obese. This starts with clothes, but extends to shoes, rings, bracelets, boots above ankle height, any chairs with arm rests, any tablet/chair/bench arrangement that is anchored to the floor, safety belts etc. As normal weight people you will never experience this and won’t know to look for it out in the world.
posted by koahiatamadl at 3:24 PM on June 17, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by koahiatamadl at 3:24 PM on June 17, 2021 [3 favorites]
I grew up chubby and have been overweight at various times in my adulthood, and my sister was zoftig from an early age: our parents were thin and athletic. My mom worries constantly about weight. She had fat friends whom she clearly loved and valued, never called herself “fat”, and didn’t comment on people’s bodies out in the world - but I have heard her groan, “I need to lose 5 pounds” for forty years, she put my sister on Slim Fast at maybe 11 years old, etc, etc.
One of the things I wish that I had from an early age was flexibility. This may seem oddly specific, but I’ve felt at times that my belly or legs were somehow In The Way, and I have let this feeling keep me from doing basic mobility stretches that actually would have made my body feel great on the regular. It is clear from all the gorgeous fat yogis who are finally getting recognition that this was a trip in my own damn head, but I think that exploring flexibility (and strength!) when I was a kid would have made it easier for me as an adult to feel like it was a genre of movement that was for me, too.
While typing this, I realize that I got lucky to take tap and modern as a teenager, which meant that I didn’t feel as though *those* types of movement were off-limits, which is fantastic. So, maybe the advice-thought is to introduce many ways of moving in your kiddo’s childhood so that she doesn’t have a reason to feel as though any of them are Not For Her?
My other thought is for much, much later in her life. As a chubby, bookish teenager who hid in oversize men’s clothes, I nonetheless had a healthy libido. My parents never talked to me about crushes or romance, and my mother once yelled in the car that she wished ONE of her daughters would go on a date before she graduated from highschool. This is to say that I also felt that sex and romance were Not For Me, and that my weight was a causal factor. I could imagine that it would be great to have sex-positive parents who affirmed that desire was normal, helped me understand how to be clear, courageous, and respectful in sharing my feelings, taught me about consent... rather than what I perceive my parents to have done, which was to assume that the way I looked meant I was neither an object nor an agent of desire.
Your proactive request is so heartening - I’m an auntie now to three beautiful AFAB kiddos, and all the generous shares in this thread are so valuable for me to read and learn from.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 3:29 PM on June 17, 2021 [7 favorites]
One of the things I wish that I had from an early age was flexibility. This may seem oddly specific, but I’ve felt at times that my belly or legs were somehow In The Way, and I have let this feeling keep me from doing basic mobility stretches that actually would have made my body feel great on the regular. It is clear from all the gorgeous fat yogis who are finally getting recognition that this was a trip in my own damn head, but I think that exploring flexibility (and strength!) when I was a kid would have made it easier for me as an adult to feel like it was a genre of movement that was for me, too.
While typing this, I realize that I got lucky to take tap and modern as a teenager, which meant that I didn’t feel as though *those* types of movement were off-limits, which is fantastic. So, maybe the advice-thought is to introduce many ways of moving in your kiddo’s childhood so that she doesn’t have a reason to feel as though any of them are Not For Her?
My other thought is for much, much later in her life. As a chubby, bookish teenager who hid in oversize men’s clothes, I nonetheless had a healthy libido. My parents never talked to me about crushes or romance, and my mother once yelled in the car that she wished ONE of her daughters would go on a date before she graduated from highschool. This is to say that I also felt that sex and romance were Not For Me, and that my weight was a causal factor. I could imagine that it would be great to have sex-positive parents who affirmed that desire was normal, helped me understand how to be clear, courageous, and respectful in sharing my feelings, taught me about consent... rather than what I perceive my parents to have done, which was to assume that the way I looked meant I was neither an object nor an agent of desire.
Your proactive request is so heartening - I’m an auntie now to three beautiful AFAB kiddos, and all the generous shares in this thread are so valuable for me to read and learn from.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 3:29 PM on June 17, 2021 [7 favorites]
An addendum: I’m a white lady, and learning more about how fatphobia intersects with racism is really powerful. I’ve heard that Thick, by Tressie McMillan Cottom, is amazing.
There are also lots of incredible fat ladies (and folks of all genders!) of color whose work could be part of a broader project for you and your husband to consume great stuff made by fat people. Off the top of my head, I’m thinking about black women rockstars like Sonia Renee Taylor (The Body Is Not An Apology), Jessamyn Stanley (yoga instructor), Lizzo. A very abbreviated list, but I’m sure you get the picture. I can only imagine growing up in a household where fat singers/dancers/writers/thinkers were just part of the landscape of Cool Shit Humans Do.
Another point occurs to me, though I imagine it would already follow from the advice above: normalizing body diversity for people of all genders is also super important! Men also get a lot of fatphobic garbage from society, and so I’m sure it would help for your kiddo to see you and your husband having fat male friends, appreciating fat male performers/intellectuals, etc.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 3:54 PM on June 17, 2021 [1 favorite]
There are also lots of incredible fat ladies (and folks of all genders!) of color whose work could be part of a broader project for you and your husband to consume great stuff made by fat people. Off the top of my head, I’m thinking about black women rockstars like Sonia Renee Taylor (The Body Is Not An Apology), Jessamyn Stanley (yoga instructor), Lizzo. A very abbreviated list, but I’m sure you get the picture. I can only imagine growing up in a household where fat singers/dancers/writers/thinkers were just part of the landscape of Cool Shit Humans Do.
Another point occurs to me, though I imagine it would already follow from the advice above: normalizing body diversity for people of all genders is also super important! Men also get a lot of fatphobic garbage from society, and so I’m sure it would help for your kiddo to see you and your husband having fat male friends, appreciating fat male performers/intellectuals, etc.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 3:54 PM on June 17, 2021 [1 favorite]
I didn’t read everything in this thread because honestly as a person who has been fat their entire life, it was too triggering. So, some of this might be repeats!
Make sure that she always has access to cute age appropriate clothes. Yeah, it might cost more because you have to shop at Torrid or whatever, and yep, it’s gonna be fast fashion. But growing up in the 90s meant that I always had to wear clothes from the women’s side of the store when I was a teen; I never felt like I had access to fun stuff that teens usually like.
This is going to be weird to say, but maybe at some point talk to her about clothes as well. Free tshirts for an event at school? Nope can’t get one of those because they won’t fit. Uniforms for a club or team? Hope they have one in my size! Just facing it head on and having a conversation about how sometimes people are not going to think about or be considerate of fat people and giving her a way to speak out to you if she’s feeling uncomfortable.
Also, don’t subconsciously reward her for diet culture-y behaviors. If she likes a sport or wants to cook and use more veggies, awesome! But make sure you’re giving as much praise to if she falls in love with watercolor paining or wants to bake every type of brownie.
posted by itsamermaid at 4:01 PM on June 17, 2021 [6 favorites]
Make sure that she always has access to cute age appropriate clothes. Yeah, it might cost more because you have to shop at Torrid or whatever, and yep, it’s gonna be fast fashion. But growing up in the 90s meant that I always had to wear clothes from the women’s side of the store when I was a teen; I never felt like I had access to fun stuff that teens usually like.
This is going to be weird to say, but maybe at some point talk to her about clothes as well. Free tshirts for an event at school? Nope can’t get one of those because they won’t fit. Uniforms for a club or team? Hope they have one in my size! Just facing it head on and having a conversation about how sometimes people are not going to think about or be considerate of fat people and giving her a way to speak out to you if she’s feeling uncomfortable.
Also, don’t subconsciously reward her for diet culture-y behaviors. If she likes a sport or wants to cook and use more veggies, awesome! But make sure you’re giving as much praise to if she falls in love with watercolor paining or wants to bake every type of brownie.
posted by itsamermaid at 4:01 PM on June 17, 2021 [6 favorites]
Oh! I thought of one more thing. I recently saw a TikTok that was a POV of going to the doctor as a fat kid and I was TRIGGERED so much more than I thought I would be. So definitely find a doctor who is HAES friendly and/or have an explicit conversation with them before they meet your child about the fact that you don’t want the doctor to bring up weight or whatever.
Also the podcast Food Psych is really good and Christy Harrison has a lot to say about how diet culture and fatphobia affect us all - not just those of us in larger bodies.
posted by itsamermaid at 4:05 PM on June 17, 2021 [2 favorites]
Also the podcast Food Psych is really good and Christy Harrison has a lot to say about how diet culture and fatphobia affect us all - not just those of us in larger bodies.
posted by itsamermaid at 4:05 PM on June 17, 2021 [2 favorites]
I have been fat as long as I have been self-aware. If there is anything I wish my parents had done differently, it would have been to help me find something physical that I enjoyed doing. I never liked sports, and my parents basically equated that with not wanting to do anything physical because of my weight, but it was really just because the sports available to me - football, basketball, baseball - all seemed ridiculous and pointless to me. I was the healthiest and the lowest weight when I started going out to clubs dancing in my 20s. I loved dancing. As a child my parents would have never considered dancing for a boy. So, my suggestion would be to explore every possible physical activity that she might have an interest in. Don't force her to do something she doesn't like, just help her find something she does. She may never be thin, but a physically active life can be had at any size.
posted by hworth at 6:03 PM on June 17, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by hworth at 6:03 PM on June 17, 2021 [3 favorites]
I grew up fat with thin parents and a thin sibling. It would have helped me a lot to hear that bodies are different and some of them are fat and some are skinny and that's the natural way for them to be. The idea that thin is the default setting for a human body is very damaging, it immediately pathologizes larger size as being wrong and in need of correction. I was fat despite eating very highly nutritious food and rarely if ever having access to "junk food"/soda/desserts/etc. I was also active. My body just wants to be fatter. It would have been great to hear that some bodies are just fatter naturally and not failed thin bodies. Humans come in various sizes and compositions and that diversity is normal.
I was put on well-meaning diets as a young person but I also picked up on a lot of the "you're too fat" messaging that comes through with extra emphasis on healthy eating and exercise/activity. I was already eating healthfully, cooking, and being active but I got a lot of extra messaging about "health" because I was perceived as unhealthy. There are lots of ways to tell someone that they're too fat, and one of those ways was that I got to hear way more about "health" than my thinner counterparts. I was smart enough to understand the underlying message and it still stung.
posted by quince at 6:21 PM on June 17, 2021 [3 favorites]
I was put on well-meaning diets as a young person but I also picked up on a lot of the "you're too fat" messaging that comes through with extra emphasis on healthy eating and exercise/activity. I was already eating healthfully, cooking, and being active but I got a lot of extra messaging about "health" because I was perceived as unhealthy. There are lots of ways to tell someone that they're too fat, and one of those ways was that I got to hear way more about "health" than my thinner counterparts. I was smart enough to understand the underlying message and it still stung.
posted by quince at 6:21 PM on June 17, 2021 [3 favorites]
Mod note: The OP is clear this isn't a question about weight loss or health. Please assume the OP's pediatrician has the basic advice covered, as pediatricians are quite aggressive about children's weight these days.
posted by Eyebrows McGee (staff) at 6:46 PM on June 17, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by Eyebrows McGee (staff) at 6:46 PM on June 17, 2021 [1 favorite]
I became fat as a preteen and have been fat on and off. My family is slim and I don’t think that it is genetic. I suppose what they didn’t do right was they just didn’t reach me anything about nutrition at all and it was the 80’s/90’s so exercising and weights wasn’t a thing back then. My mom was skinny fat and lived on Catalina diet dressing and lettuce. I’m trying to teach my kids that too much of anything isn’t good but they can have what they want and eat when they’re hungry and stop when they’re finished. I always say: if you eat after you’re full the food is wasted anyway so it might as well be in the bin.
posted by pairofshades at 9:14 PM on June 17, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by pairofshades at 9:14 PM on June 17, 2021 [3 favorites]
I grew up a fat kid! My dad owned a video store in the same plaza as a pizzeria, and we would get a large fry in exchange for a roll of nickels at least once a week as an after school snack. The pizzeria always needed nickels, and a large fry was $2 (USD). Don't do this. I also had grandparents I had dinner with frequently who advocated for the Clean Plate Club and There's Always Room For Dessert. You don't always need dessert. We also drank pop (soda) like it was water, but I think that was more part of the times than it is now. My family is all sort of average sized, so we never really talked about weight when I was a kid. I was always one of the tallest kids in my grade until 6th grade when I hit puberty, then everyone else caught up, so I was just big in general.
One good thing my family instilled in me when I was a kid was a love of sports, especially swimming. I'm not very good at any sports, but I am an active person, not a couch potato. We'd always be outside playing kickball, wiffle ball, badminton, croquet, tag, etc. or just swimming in my grandpa's pool. I can't imagine how I would've turned out if I was playing video games all the time. And my dad and his parents always set a good example of adults exercising. My grandma would always go for walks, and my dad and grandpa would go for bike rides together every day until my grandpa was in his late 70s. My dad would go for runs every day. My grandpa had a membership at the local pool. Activity was built into their lives. If you model healthy behaviors, your kids will pick up on them, even if you don't make a big deal about them.
Tangentially related, swimming is a great sport to get involved with, not just for its health benefits. When you are a swimmer, you get used to seeing people of all shapes, sizes, and colors in bathing suits and I think you end up less judgemental and have fewer body hangups as a result. I'm a size 16 female and I have no qualms about wearing a bathing suit in public at all.
posted by DEiBnL13 at 10:00 PM on June 17, 2021 [3 favorites]
One good thing my family instilled in me when I was a kid was a love of sports, especially swimming. I'm not very good at any sports, but I am an active person, not a couch potato. We'd always be outside playing kickball, wiffle ball, badminton, croquet, tag, etc. or just swimming in my grandpa's pool. I can't imagine how I would've turned out if I was playing video games all the time. And my dad and his parents always set a good example of adults exercising. My grandma would always go for walks, and my dad and grandpa would go for bike rides together every day until my grandpa was in his late 70s. My dad would go for runs every day. My grandpa had a membership at the local pool. Activity was built into their lives. If you model healthy behaviors, your kids will pick up on them, even if you don't make a big deal about them.
Tangentially related, swimming is a great sport to get involved with, not just for its health benefits. When you are a swimmer, you get used to seeing people of all shapes, sizes, and colors in bathing suits and I think you end up less judgemental and have fewer body hangups as a result. I'm a size 16 female and I have no qualms about wearing a bathing suit in public at all.
posted by DEiBnL13 at 10:00 PM on June 17, 2021 [3 favorites]
Lifelong fat person here! Grew up with fat parents and a straight-sized sister. I skimmed some of the above responses and would love the nth so much of what people said. My parents did/continue to do almost everything wrong so some things I don’t recommend:
1) do not ever couch things as “we” should really do X thing. Most of my childhood was marked by times where my mother would say that we needed to go for a walk, or we needed to start eating better or we had to get out weight under control. I think she thought that was better than calling me specifically out, it wasn’t!
2) don’t police what she eats, ever, and especially in front of other people. As a full adult in my 30’s I have still never been to a restaurant and not had my mother ask me, in front of the waiter, if I wanted to get a salad.
3) don’t tell her that appearance is what attracts people to other people and unless she loses weight she will be unlovable
4) this has been said above but don’t comment negatively on other peoples weight and ascribe that weight to higher or lower value.
5) find fat positive media for her to watch. School of Rock has great fat positivity. Harvey street girls has a fat central character (haven’t watched so can’t totally vouch). Preview this media first! There’s so much hidden fat phobic garbage. Educate yourself on fat experiences - watch Shrill, when she’s old enough let her watch Shrill. There’s not much other good fat positive shows, but I hope there will continue to be more
6) I’ve seen comments about finding a fat-positive doctor and I’d like to one up this. If you can, if at all possible, even if it’s a drive, find her a FAT DOCTOR. In my childhood I had exactly one doctor who did not make me feel like a monster, a lovely fat pediatrician. When I was 8 or 9 she told me that she and I would have survived super well in a famine back in old times and it has stuck with me all these years later because it was a kind moment of acknowledging a medical fact without making me seem like I was a bad person for being fat
7) don’t send her to a million doctors to solve why she’s fat. People are fat. It’s just a thing that happens
8) know that being fat will make her life harder and be there to help her through that, but don’t tell her that. It doesn’t help her
Thank you for asking this question. There’s been so much good movement towards fat acceptance in the last ten years, but this bias runs so deep and much is embedded in people’s own fears. If you take any of the advice in this thread you’ll have done so much better than most people’s parents did
posted by iguana in a leather jacket at 12:23 AM on June 18, 2021 [6 favorites]
1) do not ever couch things as “we” should really do X thing. Most of my childhood was marked by times where my mother would say that we needed to go for a walk, or we needed to start eating better or we had to get out weight under control. I think she thought that was better than calling me specifically out, it wasn’t!
2) don’t police what she eats, ever, and especially in front of other people. As a full adult in my 30’s I have still never been to a restaurant and not had my mother ask me, in front of the waiter, if I wanted to get a salad.
3) don’t tell her that appearance is what attracts people to other people and unless she loses weight she will be unlovable
4) this has been said above but don’t comment negatively on other peoples weight and ascribe that weight to higher or lower value.
5) find fat positive media for her to watch. School of Rock has great fat positivity. Harvey street girls has a fat central character (haven’t watched so can’t totally vouch). Preview this media first! There’s so much hidden fat phobic garbage. Educate yourself on fat experiences - watch Shrill, when she’s old enough let her watch Shrill. There’s not much other good fat positive shows, but I hope there will continue to be more
6) I’ve seen comments about finding a fat-positive doctor and I’d like to one up this. If you can, if at all possible, even if it’s a drive, find her a FAT DOCTOR. In my childhood I had exactly one doctor who did not make me feel like a monster, a lovely fat pediatrician. When I was 8 or 9 she told me that she and I would have survived super well in a famine back in old times and it has stuck with me all these years later because it was a kind moment of acknowledging a medical fact without making me seem like I was a bad person for being fat
7) don’t send her to a million doctors to solve why she’s fat. People are fat. It’s just a thing that happens
8) know that being fat will make her life harder and be there to help her through that, but don’t tell her that. It doesn’t help her
Thank you for asking this question. There’s been so much good movement towards fat acceptance in the last ten years, but this bias runs so deep and much is embedded in people’s own fears. If you take any of the advice in this thread you’ll have done so much better than most people’s parents did
posted by iguana in a leather jacket at 12:23 AM on June 18, 2021 [6 favorites]
Thank you for asking this question! I am so grateful that people are thinking like this now. I sort of wish that Child Me could know that she would grow up to a world where discussions like this were taking place.
My family got SO MUCH wrong about raising a fat child. Don't get me wrong, they loved me and wanted the best for me, they just didn't have any information or guidance on how to raise a fat child, and it was done through the lens of their own experience of weight and the impact of personal appearance on your life and social standing. Still, I wish they could have:
1) not been so obsessed about their OWN food intake, weight, and appearance.
2) not policed my food intake, weight, and appearance constantly. Seriously, they did it all the time, including in front of other people.
3) not lionised thinness so much. Seriously, for some members of my family, "You've lost weight" is their version of saying "I'm happy to see you" or "I love you".
4) not forced me to diet FROM THE AGE OF 9.
5) not used food as a substitute for love.
I realise it's not my family's fault but the society they were in and the way that THEY had been brought up; but at the same time, if they had stopped to think about it for a bit, I feel like they could have avoided these behaviours, but so much of it was so ingrained it would have necessitated a difference in the way they experienced their bodies too. I don't have kids but my sibling does and I know that they remember the way our family treated me and are determined to not let their own children experience that. That is a great comfort to me.
Oh, and it would have made a huge difference to me to see people who looked like me in society and in the media.
posted by unicorn chaser at 2:33 AM on June 18, 2021 [3 favorites]
My family got SO MUCH wrong about raising a fat child. Don't get me wrong, they loved me and wanted the best for me, they just didn't have any information or guidance on how to raise a fat child, and it was done through the lens of their own experience of weight and the impact of personal appearance on your life and social standing. Still, I wish they could have:
1) not been so obsessed about their OWN food intake, weight, and appearance.
2) not policed my food intake, weight, and appearance constantly. Seriously, they did it all the time, including in front of other people.
3) not lionised thinness so much. Seriously, for some members of my family, "You've lost weight" is their version of saying "I'm happy to see you" or "I love you".
4) not forced me to diet FROM THE AGE OF 9.
5) not used food as a substitute for love.
I realise it's not my family's fault but the society they were in and the way that THEY had been brought up; but at the same time, if they had stopped to think about it for a bit, I feel like they could have avoided these behaviours, but so much of it was so ingrained it would have necessitated a difference in the way they experienced their bodies too. I don't have kids but my sibling does and I know that they remember the way our family treated me and are determined to not let their own children experience that. That is a great comfort to me.
Oh, and it would have made a huge difference to me to see people who looked like me in society and in the media.
posted by unicorn chaser at 2:33 AM on June 18, 2021 [3 favorites]
So much good stuff covered in this thread, just a couple of things to add:
- Attitudes ripple outwards. My parents have always hated that I'm fat, commented on it, and called me things like "podge", so I thought it was acceptable to do the same to other people. So beware other self-hating fat kids (as some people assume that it's only not-fat kids who express these things).
- Clothing: good advice upthread. The word "flattering" is often misused, in that rather than meaning "makes you look good" it means "hides fat". I think if my mother could have dressed me in a a scout tent with two eye holes in it, so no-one could see any part of me, she would have done. Since she couldn't, everything was baggy and oversized. It wasn't until I was in my late 20s that I started wearing clothes that didn't have space in them for another person as well as me. To some extent everyone, fat or not, uses clothes as a sort of disguise - but I think there is a push for fat people to use clothes to disguise everything about them.
- An external one that you may not have any control over: the idea that to participate in sport or physical activity, you must be good at it. I hated a lot of sport at school, but a couple of things I actually enjoyed, so I went along to the extra sessions - and it was made abundantly clear to me that I was not wanted there. Not even viciously, but patronisingly. By the age of 12 I stopped trying completely.
And one thing that I don't know I have any practical advice on how to achieve - I know that my parents love me unconditionally. I also know that I am not the child they wanted, mainly because of my weight and my ugliness (a couple of non-physical things in there too). I know because I have not or cannot change these things that I will always be a disappointment to them, and I will never, ever be "enough". Even if you f- up some things, if your daughter grows up knowing she is not a disappointment, she can be loved, and that she is enough, I think you'll have done brilliantly as parents.
posted by Vortisaur at 7:27 AM on June 18, 2021 [3 favorites]
- Attitudes ripple outwards. My parents have always hated that I'm fat, commented on it, and called me things like "podge", so I thought it was acceptable to do the same to other people. So beware other self-hating fat kids (as some people assume that it's only not-fat kids who express these things).
- Clothing: good advice upthread. The word "flattering" is often misused, in that rather than meaning "makes you look good" it means "hides fat". I think if my mother could have dressed me in a a scout tent with two eye holes in it, so no-one could see any part of me, she would have done. Since she couldn't, everything was baggy and oversized. It wasn't until I was in my late 20s that I started wearing clothes that didn't have space in them for another person as well as me. To some extent everyone, fat or not, uses clothes as a sort of disguise - but I think there is a push for fat people to use clothes to disguise everything about them.
- An external one that you may not have any control over: the idea that to participate in sport or physical activity, you must be good at it. I hated a lot of sport at school, but a couple of things I actually enjoyed, so I went along to the extra sessions - and it was made abundantly clear to me that I was not wanted there. Not even viciously, but patronisingly. By the age of 12 I stopped trying completely.
And one thing that I don't know I have any practical advice on how to achieve - I know that my parents love me unconditionally. I also know that I am not the child they wanted, mainly because of my weight and my ugliness (a couple of non-physical things in there too). I know because I have not or cannot change these things that I will always be a disappointment to them, and I will never, ever be "enough". Even if you f- up some things, if your daughter grows up knowing she is not a disappointment, she can be loved, and that she is enough, I think you'll have done brilliantly as parents.
posted by Vortisaur at 7:27 AM on June 18, 2021 [3 favorites]
I was maybe average-ish as a child, fat in my late teens, and have been fat since about my 30s very roughly. I have an unhelpful relationship with food (if I was a dog you would describe me as food motivated). Things that my parents did that contributed include praising clearing your plate or eating heartily, using dessert as a reward for eating vegetables, believing that they could train someone out of fussy eating (one parent), modelling fussy eating themselves (other parent).
I do not see myself as someone who is sporty or who exercises. I actually did quite a bit of sport as a child and teen (at different times, ballet, swimming, netball, 5-a-side soccer, field hockey, cross country running) With the benefit of hindsight, I may have always had mild exercise-induced asthma which affected how breathless I became while exercising and given me the impression that I was unfit and not capable of getting fit.
One of the things that my parents probably could not have done anything about, but which was a problem is that my siblings were skinny. Even though I was probably an average sized child I compared my body unfavourably to my sibling who was younger but the same height (because I was/am very short) and thinner.
posted by plonkee at 7:30 AM on June 18, 2021
I do not see myself as someone who is sporty or who exercises. I actually did quite a bit of sport as a child and teen (at different times, ballet, swimming, netball, 5-a-side soccer, field hockey, cross country running) With the benefit of hindsight, I may have always had mild exercise-induced asthma which affected how breathless I became while exercising and given me the impression that I was unfit and not capable of getting fit.
One of the things that my parents probably could not have done anything about, but which was a problem is that my siblings were skinny. Even though I was probably an average sized child I compared my body unfavourably to my sibling who was younger but the same height (because I was/am very short) and thinner.
posted by plonkee at 7:30 AM on June 18, 2021
There's a lot of great stuff here, but I just want to note that these comments about making sure your kid stays active are tricky. If you pursue activity for your kid because of her weight, she will twig to that and it will hurt her. Not that anything in your question hints at this sort of thing! Just, these comments are here and I wanted to add my voice to this.
If you encourage your kid in activities she chooses and help her understand that her fat body belongs in sports if she wants it to, that's perfect. I feel like it's not an easy distinction, but I grew up fat and activity was used as a fatphobic weapon so often that I still have a tiny frustrating hesitation that is "it's okay, they are not trying to do this because I am fat" sometimes when someone wants to take a walk with me. Sports can be difficult because there is so much focus on the body, and I feel like fat kids lose out on being active NOT because they are less able, but because the messaging around fatness and capability in sporty activities is all kinds of complicated and fucked up, not to mention just how often someone will say "this activity is great exercise!" as if the value in it is fitness rather than fun. The word "exercise" gets really tangled up in diet culture, even if it ought to be a more neutral term having to do with bodies and how we use them.
posted by hought20 at 8:21 AM on June 18, 2021 [3 favorites]
If you encourage your kid in activities she chooses and help her understand that her fat body belongs in sports if she wants it to, that's perfect. I feel like it's not an easy distinction, but I grew up fat and activity was used as a fatphobic weapon so often that I still have a tiny frustrating hesitation that is "it's okay, they are not trying to do this because I am fat" sometimes when someone wants to take a walk with me. Sports can be difficult because there is so much focus on the body, and I feel like fat kids lose out on being active NOT because they are less able, but because the messaging around fatness and capability in sporty activities is all kinds of complicated and fucked up, not to mention just how often someone will say "this activity is great exercise!" as if the value in it is fitness rather than fun. The word "exercise" gets really tangled up in diet culture, even if it ought to be a more neutral term having to do with bodies and how we use them.
posted by hought20 at 8:21 AM on June 18, 2021 [3 favorites]
Fat child of fat parents in the 80s-90s. Now normalish in size but previously extremely morbidly obese. I vividly remember my mom saying, "You would look so good if you just lost 5 pounds." Always 5. Going clothes shopping and her saying you can't wear horizontal stripes, fitted clothes.
I was in dance and her saying, "I don't know how we're going to alter this to fit you." I had only one costume that couldn't be changed and she acted like it was the end of the world.
Taking me along to WW meetings and then going to BK across the street afterwards.
Putting me into a medical weight loss program at 13 and then being pissed because I "failed".
posted by kathrynm at 9:27 AM on June 18, 2021 [3 favorites]
I was in dance and her saying, "I don't know how we're going to alter this to fit you." I had only one costume that couldn't be changed and she acted like it was the end of the world.
Taking me along to WW meetings and then going to BK across the street afterwards.
Putting me into a medical weight loss program at 13 and then being pissed because I "failed".
posted by kathrynm at 9:27 AM on June 18, 2021 [3 favorites]
The OP is clear this isn't a question about weight loss or health. Please assume the OP's pediatrician has the basic advice covered, as pediatricians are quite aggressive about children's weight these days.
posted by Eyebrows McGee (staff) at 6:46 PM on June 17 [+] [!]
Didn’t see if any comment was deleted and what was in it, but in my experience, pediatricians, ironically do not look for physiological causes enough but attribute fat to behavior and morals, and then may be aggressive about recommending exercise and particular food choices. I was a fat kid, diagnosed with hypothyroidism only in my teens and hyperinsulinemia and PCOS as an adult. Catching this earlier by seeing fat as a potential symptom rather than something I caused myself would have been much better for me.
posted by meijusa at 9:34 AM on June 18, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by Eyebrows McGee (staff) at 6:46 PM on June 17 [+] [!]
Didn’t see if any comment was deleted and what was in it, but in my experience, pediatricians, ironically do not look for physiological causes enough but attribute fat to behavior and morals, and then may be aggressive about recommending exercise and particular food choices. I was a fat kid, diagnosed with hypothyroidism only in my teens and hyperinsulinemia and PCOS as an adult. Catching this earlier by seeing fat as a potential symptom rather than something I caused myself would have been much better for me.
posted by meijusa at 9:34 AM on June 18, 2021 [1 favorite]
my parents constantly told me i was fat even though I didn't become so until I was 13
i was sent to fat camp and diet doctors, one of whom told me fat people were unlikable
only ball sports were played at my school, which I hated after being hit in the nose way too often
my biological excuse for a mother came into the bathroom after I had a bath and told me " I like the tits and the puss but not the bay window"
when my parents went to Scotland she brought back a too small fair isle sweater for me " as an incentive"
when I tried to diet, she would bring stuff into the house when I asked her not to
my father would drink my diet shakes and not replace the packets
posted by brujita at 11:40 AM on June 18, 2021 [1 favorite]
i was sent to fat camp and diet doctors, one of whom told me fat people were unlikable
only ball sports were played at my school, which I hated after being hit in the nose way too often
my biological excuse for a mother came into the bathroom after I had a bath and told me " I like the tits and the puss but not the bay window"
when my parents went to Scotland she brought back a too small fair isle sweater for me " as an incentive"
when I tried to diet, she would bring stuff into the house when I asked her not to
my father would drink my diet shakes and not replace the packets
posted by brujita at 11:40 AM on June 18, 2021 [1 favorite]
There's probably more I'll think of or could say but one thing I wish my mother specifically had done was to talk to me about romantic relationships and confidence. This is probably something all mothers (or maybe fathers as well) should do with their daughters - find some way to give the message that your daughter has worth as a romantic partner and should be vetting boys (or girls) in terms of their character, intentions, and care for/treatment of her. I'm sure my mother would have completely said that to me if it was something she thought of. Maybe she wouldn't have thought of it even if I wasn't really fat when I was in high school and into the first couple of years of college, but sometimes when I think about it it feels like it was something that I didn't get much messaging about probably at least in part because of being fat. I WAS very fat during my adolescence, and that really made me feel unworthy of having a romantic relationship. I thought of myself as not really having sexuality or being feminine because of my weight. Once I lost weight and started having romantic relationships it took me a number of kind of (in retrospect) disastrous situations where I wasted a lot of time pining after people who weren't into me and in some cases were kind of not the best/most worthy targets of my affection before I started to think about relationships a bit differently from the perspective of taking a step back and vetting people a bit. I'm sure people of normal weight go through a similar process sometimes depending on how they develop emotionally and chance happenings around who they happen to be interested in, but as a fat person who got a lot of societal messaging about how unattractive and un-datable I was, I feel like the effect of my low confidence was kind of amplified.
Anyway, I feel like the messaging should be to all young women (and men) that they are worthy of whatever kind of relationship they want, and should take care to find people who will respect and care for them. It probably will help just not to forget in the case of someone growing up fat that they will have to learn how to be in romantic relationships just as much as anyone else, and to prepare your children accordingly as you can.
posted by knownfossils at 12:36 PM on June 18, 2021 [7 favorites]
Anyway, I feel like the messaging should be to all young women (and men) that they are worthy of whatever kind of relationship they want, and should take care to find people who will respect and care for them. It probably will help just not to forget in the case of someone growing up fat that they will have to learn how to be in romantic relationships just as much as anyone else, and to prepare your children accordingly as you can.
posted by knownfossils at 12:36 PM on June 18, 2021 [7 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 9:38 AM on June 17, 2021 [23 favorites]