Scented toilet paper - seriously?!??
June 6, 2021 8:18 PM   Subscribe

I remember laughing at my US friends (even when I lived in the US) 30 years ago about the very IDEA of this! Now it has come to my country and my latest grocery delivery substituted this… this… Satan’s snuffbox for my regular order. Son opened it before I realized, so there’s no turning back. Anyone have an idea for using this evil substance? I don’t want to throw it out (I DO want to throw it out, but…)
posted by Samarium to Shopping (26 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
Wipe your ass?

Paper your neighbor's tree?
posted by AugustWest at 8:22 PM on June 6 [5 favorites]

I mean, Satan's snuffbox will presumably still clean what it's intended to clean? You could try unwrapping it and leaving it out in the sun for a bit to offgas some of the scent, if you don't want it concentrating in the bathroom. (Or, conversely, store it in a tupperware or similiar box while not in direct use.)
posted by kalimac at 8:27 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

Give it away.
posted by aniola at 8:28 PM on June 6 [6 favorites]

Call the grocery people and talk to them about it. They might refund you anyway.
posted by aniola at 8:30 PM on June 6 [6 favorites]

I wouldn't use it either. Weird and gross.

You could do that thing kids used to do where you get it soaking wet and throw it up to the ceiling so it sticks and dries up there...but you probably don't want to do that in your house and there's no where else to go right now...

More seriously, you could make some scented stationary...My mom and I did this with Toilet paper when I was a kid. In addition to that video there are others, showing similar methods.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 8:45 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]


do you have somewhere to store it? A superstitious talisman against ever having another toilet paper shortage-apocalypse might be to have a bunch of it in the house as a surety.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:50 PM on June 6 [11 favorites]

I came in to say what fingersandtoes just said. If you have a basement or cabinet you can store it in, I'd just put it there in case of TP emergency.
posted by potrzebie at 9:03 PM on June 6 [2 favorites]

To put it bluntly, with no brown-nosing, is it a worse smell? Even if it might be a close match, not wasting it by using it now and by yourselves seems maybe preferable
posted by DeepSeaHaggis at 9:09 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

I'd probably be concerned that whatever the tp is impregnated with, it might have undesirable side-effects on my nethers. It is also a massively weird substitution from your grocery providers so I would ask them what the hell.

That said, how much of it is there? A hundred rolls? Six? Either just use it, or keep it for emergencies. Toilet paper doesn't go off, but as suggested above, the fragrance will dissipate over time.
posted by turbid dahlia at 9:15 PM on June 6 [11 favorites]

Response by poster: Just to say: the scent isn’t awful - at least no worse than any other artificial scents, though it is very strong! It’s more the, let’s say, side effects on the undercarriage that are unwelcome.
posted by Samarium at 9:21 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

Use it to dust things. You must have some intricate objects that need dusting.
posted by Pallas Athena at 9:26 PM on June 6

Donate it to a shelter. Typically I wouldn't recommend donating something just because you don't want it/think it's bad (the whole "everyone gives unused creamed corn to the food drive" phenomenon) but it's perfectly good toilet paper that you're being persnickety about and other people could use it. (Not unreasonably persnickety, I'd add! I don't like the scented stuff either. But at the end of the day we're talking about a personal preference regarding something that's for wiping your ass with. If you're seriously considering using it for craft projects or whatever, let someone else use it for hygiene instead.)
posted by babelfish at 9:30 PM on June 6 [8 favorites]

This is exactly the type of thing that my local buy-nothing group is great for.

If you're willing to use facebook, it might be worth checking whether your area has an active group.
posted by Metasyntactic at 9:31 PM on June 6 [6 favorites]

This junk can wreak havoc with people’s genital ph and trigger itchy allergic responses on sensitive tissues. I would be concerned about using it for more than single use emergencies (I have encountered it a few times when traveling.) I would contact the grocery store, not just to request a refund but also to hammer in that it’s a non-viable product.

If you have a buy nothing group, that’s one way to get rid of it. Dusting might use up a roll or two. If you have bridal or baby showers where you are, it could be used in some of the various absurd toilet paper games (a toilet paper wedding dress uses up a lot of toilet paper, in my couture experience.)
posted by Mizu at 9:35 PM on June 6 [9 favorites]

Very special papier-mâché
posted by amtho at 10:15 PM on June 6

Often, even if the smell has pervaded everything (it's supposed to!) it's only the center cardboard roll itself that's actually scented. The TP itself only exists in proximity to the scent. It hasn't been doused in chemicals, it's been adjacent to them.

IDK if that's any comfort or not. I really hate the stuff. Totally understand why you wouldn't want to use it.
posted by verbminx at 10:28 PM on June 6 [1 favorite]

I would use it for cleaning. TP can be good for a quick wipe-up of a spill or simple counter cleaning. It's not great for scrubbing, but it's designed to be absorbent. I would NOT use it on bodies, nor donate it for use since can cause genuine issues. I also give you permission to toss it.
posted by Crystalinne at 11:04 PM on June 6

Paper mache?
posted by trig at 11:27 PM on June 6

If that happened to me I would raise a huge stink with the retailer who made the substitution. Seems only fair.
posted by flabdablet at 12:35 AM on June 7 [5 favorites]

I found out the hard way that scented toilet paper-- not even a very strong sense-- was an irritant.
posted by Nancy Lebovitz at 2:46 AM on June 7 [1 favorite]

Do you have a Little Free Pantry or equivalent near you? This is the kind of thing I’d put there.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 4:53 AM on June 7

Use it as Kleenex/tissues? Hopefully it won't cause the same irritation there...
posted by jabes at 7:05 AM on June 7 [1 favorite]

Put it out in the sun for several days to release its scent. And, make sure your grocer knows never to make this substitution again.
posted by quince at 10:51 AM on June 7 [1 favorite]

Manufacturers often include an ‘if you have problems with this product call…’ number on the packaging. You don’t have to say that you got it by accident, only that it makes you smell like a bowl of po(o)t pourri and you would like a refund.

They know full well that you will have opened the package before discovering this and a refund is perfectly reasonable to them to keep from getting smeared by disgruntled customers.
posted by How much is that froggie in the window at 11:53 AM on June 7 [3 favorites]

Don't pay for it. Call the delivery service and request a refund. If they won't do it do a chargeback on your credit card. Let the delivery service know that this is an unacceptable product to 95% of customers, it is garbage, dangerous garbage if you were to actually apply it to your privates, and you will not pay for garbage to be delivered to you house. Let them know the this is the kind of product that they need express permission to deliver to anyone's house, and failing to get that permission is like substituting alcohol for milk without express permission. Sure, they are both beverages, but one can be dangerous and the original ordered item is not.
posted by KayQuestions at 12:18 PM on June 7 [3 favorites]

KayQuestions has it. If the delivery service is defunct because it's terrible, then I'd use the stuff to wipe grease off plates to keep it from clogging your pipes.
posted by Don Pepino at 6:04 PM on June 7 [1 favorite]

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