Legal and practical ideas for dealing with a possible assailant/stalker
June 1, 2021 4:12 AM Subscribe
Looking for advice on how to deal with a potentially violent stalker in the state of Georgia, in the USA.
I play a certain popular mobile game, popular enough that there are often local Facebook groups about said game in any decent sized town or city.
Recently, I commented in one of those groups about the game in my local city. A gentleman I do not know and have never met replied to me rather nastily. I clicked the laugh emoji and moved on. The next day I got an direct message from him that contained several racist comments and threats and finished by saying if I replied to him my kids won't even recognize me.
So.
I did not reply.
Did report that conversation to Facebook.
Reported his group comments to the Admins of the group.
Messaged the main Admin of the group with screenshot of the racist comments and threats.
I then looked at the peron's main Facebook page and discovered he too lives in the state of Georgia, in a city that about 4 hours from me.
So I Googled his name (it's a unique name) and that city. An address was listed at one URL, while another URL mentioned a booking for battery. The photo in the booking matched the gentlemen in the photos on the Facebook profile.
I then documented all this information in a text editor.
Then I called the police in my city for a non-emergency. They promptly set out a police officer, who took all my information and the documented information that I had typed up. I have a filed police report.
So my question is this: is there anything else I should do? The police have been notified, they're taking it seriously (the officer called me a few hours later to clarify a few details). Should anyone else be notified? Should I be doing anything else, from a practical or legal perspective?
I have considered making a Facebook post, limited to friends and family, to let them know about the situation. So that they're aware and can offer any potential advice.
I play a certain popular mobile game, popular enough that there are often local Facebook groups about said game in any decent sized town or city.
Recently, I commented in one of those groups about the game in my local city. A gentleman I do not know and have never met replied to me rather nastily. I clicked the laugh emoji and moved on. The next day I got an direct message from him that contained several racist comments and threats and finished by saying if I replied to him my kids won't even recognize me.
So.
I did not reply.
Did report that conversation to Facebook.
Reported his group comments to the Admins of the group.
Messaged the main Admin of the group with screenshot of the racist comments and threats.
I then looked at the peron's main Facebook page and discovered he too lives in the state of Georgia, in a city that about 4 hours from me.
So I Googled his name (it's a unique name) and that city. An address was listed at one URL, while another URL mentioned a booking for battery. The photo in the booking matched the gentlemen in the photos on the Facebook profile.
I then documented all this information in a text editor.
Then I called the police in my city for a non-emergency. They promptly set out a police officer, who took all my information and the documented information that I had typed up. I have a filed police report.
So my question is this: is there anything else I should do? The police have been notified, they're taking it seriously (the officer called me a few hours later to clarify a few details). Should anyone else be notified? Should I be doing anything else, from a practical or legal perspective?
I have considered making a Facebook post, limited to friends and family, to let them know about the situation. So that they're aware and can offer any potential advice.
The only next step would be an order of protection, but you also also run the risk that the legal parts of that in your county could be reason enough to draw him to come to your city/county, which is the exact opposite of what you want.
An order of protection is a piece of paper that gives documentation and legal consequences if it is violated, it doesn't actually protect you in any meaningful way. The best things to do is to make sure information about where you live, and your kids information is not public, as well any other places you may be found easily on a regular basis such as your job.
If you want to attempt to file or not is really up to you, but do be aware that it might not even be granted, that really depends on the judge and their views on internet communication and threats. A local legal advoacy group would likely be able to tell you more about your chances in your local area.
Take note that comments like this on the internet are way way way more common than people with actual intent to carry out these types of crimes. Of course, take it seriously but you don't have to necessarily do anything at all.
DV resources are not set up for this, and will direct you to the police in most cases, as they are focused on the specific needs of people living with/running from abusers who have been their partners . They are kind people and definately want to help, but their services aren't designed for your specific needs.
Do seek support from family and friends. Keep documenting if need be.
posted by AlexiaSky at 6:01 AM on June 1, 2021 [8 favorites]
An order of protection is a piece of paper that gives documentation and legal consequences if it is violated, it doesn't actually protect you in any meaningful way. The best things to do is to make sure information about where you live, and your kids information is not public, as well any other places you may be found easily on a regular basis such as your job.
If you want to attempt to file or not is really up to you, but do be aware that it might not even be granted, that really depends on the judge and their views on internet communication and threats. A local legal advoacy group would likely be able to tell you more about your chances in your local area.
Take note that comments like this on the internet are way way way more common than people with actual intent to carry out these types of crimes. Of course, take it seriously but you don't have to necessarily do anything at all.
DV resources are not set up for this, and will direct you to the police in most cases, as they are focused on the specific needs of people living with/running from abusers who have been their partners . They are kind people and definately want to help, but their services aren't designed for your specific needs.
Do seek support from family and friends. Keep documenting if need be.
posted by AlexiaSky at 6:01 AM on June 1, 2021 [8 favorites]
If FB is the main way you can contact the people who can support you, I would close your current FB account and start a new one that only your closest friends and family can access. At the very least, scrub your account of any identifying details like your kids’ names or schools.
posted by corey flood at 8:40 AM on June 1, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by corey flood at 8:40 AM on June 1, 2021 [4 favorites]
I recommend you read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. He's an expert in stalking, who has for a long time run a consultancy providing personal security services for celebrities and other prominent people.
I have used de Becker to do threat assessments for organizations I've been involved with, and their work is excellent. And Gift of Fear by itself is really great at helping the reader to assess their situation and figure out how to deescalate it. Two quick bits, from memory: 1) He is dismissive of protection orders and IIRC characterizes them as makework that police give to targets to keep them busy and make them feel like something is happening, and 2) in many situations he advises not to engage at all with the stalker, and says the most common good outcome is to keep a low profile until the stalker moves on and finds another target.
Good luck :)
posted by Susan PG at 8:49 AM on June 1, 2021 [6 favorites]
I have used de Becker to do threat assessments for organizations I've been involved with, and their work is excellent. And Gift of Fear by itself is really great at helping the reader to assess their situation and figure out how to deescalate it. Two quick bits, from memory: 1) He is dismissive of protection orders and IIRC characterizes them as makework that police give to targets to keep them busy and make them feel like something is happening, and 2) in many situations he advises not to engage at all with the stalker, and says the most common good outcome is to keep a low profile until the stalker moves on and finds another target.
Good luck :)
posted by Susan PG at 8:49 AM on June 1, 2021 [6 favorites]
I have a couple of friends whose existences routinely make men angry, and nothing in their experiences - of many threats of death and violence, some with attached phone photos of their property and family members, and occasional attempts at swatting - gives me the same confidence of other commenters that you could get a restraining order off one Facebook comment. It's certainly never been true for anyone I've known experiencing IPV, I don't know why the standards would be better for a stranger after one threat. It is definitely a step up that you drew a cop who didn't laugh in your face and also threaten to stalk you himself, but you should not assume that the police will do anything on your behalf until after something has happened to you.
Statistically, very few of the threats pan out to anything recognizable as an actual attempt at physical retribution. The act of digital terrorism is satisfying enough to most of them, or the fantasies that they're going to actually do anything turn out to be all the energy they have to expend on it. The problem, of course, is that you never know which ones are those and which ones are sufficiently motivated to either do it themselves or go work up a bunch of other losers about it so that one of them who is unhinged enough will do something.
The most practical thing you can do is assess your residential and personal security to look for problems that probably need taking care of anyway - are your locks good, do you have really good means of seeing who's outside (wide view, not just on your front step) before you open the door - and if you drive, do you have good visibility around your car before you get in/out of it, are you able to lock and unlock with a fob (and if so, does your fob do a drivers-door-only unlock on first click, and do you reflexively lock as soon as you are inside)? Do your friends and family know not to answer innocent-seeming questions about you from strangers OR acquaintances who have no need to know that information (do they know not to give away information about anybody they know, that should be standard behavior)? Do you have lighting and alarms or motion sensors around your property that would alert you to movement?
It's always good to have a couple of trusted insiders who you can tag via text or location-sharing if you are experiencing some weird circumstance - car trouble, noticing anything strange at home or work as you're arriving or leaving, concern you're being followed, etc.
Turn off any kind of location-embedding on your photos on social media, and you may want to take down/avoid posting anything that shows the front of your residence or immediate street/block.
Try to be mindful but not paranoid, but don't blow off your own intuition - if you get a bad feeling stay inside a few more minutes, drive around the block a couple of times, don't answer the door, take a minute to watch the parking lot before you walk out there. I hope this turns out to be nothing, but none of these habits are terrible to have in any case.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:59 AM on June 1, 2021 [10 favorites]
Statistically, very few of the threats pan out to anything recognizable as an actual attempt at physical retribution. The act of digital terrorism is satisfying enough to most of them, or the fantasies that they're going to actually do anything turn out to be all the energy they have to expend on it. The problem, of course, is that you never know which ones are those and which ones are sufficiently motivated to either do it themselves or go work up a bunch of other losers about it so that one of them who is unhinged enough will do something.
The most practical thing you can do is assess your residential and personal security to look for problems that probably need taking care of anyway - are your locks good, do you have really good means of seeing who's outside (wide view, not just on your front step) before you open the door - and if you drive, do you have good visibility around your car before you get in/out of it, are you able to lock and unlock with a fob (and if so, does your fob do a drivers-door-only unlock on first click, and do you reflexively lock as soon as you are inside)? Do your friends and family know not to answer innocent-seeming questions about you from strangers OR acquaintances who have no need to know that information (do they know not to give away information about anybody they know, that should be standard behavior)? Do you have lighting and alarms or motion sensors around your property that would alert you to movement?
It's always good to have a couple of trusted insiders who you can tag via text or location-sharing if you are experiencing some weird circumstance - car trouble, noticing anything strange at home or work as you're arriving or leaving, concern you're being followed, etc.
Turn off any kind of location-embedding on your photos on social media, and you may want to take down/avoid posting anything that shows the front of your residence or immediate street/block.
Try to be mindful but not paranoid, but don't blow off your own intuition - if you get a bad feeling stay inside a few more minutes, drive around the block a couple of times, don't answer the door, take a minute to watch the parking lot before you walk out there. I hope this turns out to be nothing, but none of these habits are terrible to have in any case.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:59 AM on June 1, 2021 [10 favorites]
I'm also dubious that the authorities would regard this as strong enough grounds for issuing a protective order. Which is not to say it's not worth trying.
I would let some nearby friends know what's going on, and ask if they'd be willing to show up on short notice if the guy materialized. He's probably all bark, no bite, but even if he might follow through, he'd think twice if ten of your friends surrounded him.
posted by adamrice at 9:32 AM on June 1, 2021
I would let some nearby friends know what's going on, and ask if they'd be willing to show up on short notice if the guy materialized. He's probably all bark, no bite, but even if he might follow through, he'd think twice if ten of your friends surrounded him.
posted by adamrice at 9:32 AM on June 1, 2021
This thread is closed to new comments.
Have you called your local domestic violence support center? . Here's another resource in Georgia.
This all sounds very scary. Have the admins of the facebook group kicked him out of the group? They should! And maybe you should temporarily shut down your social media identities.
I hope some of the links I posted above will be able to help you more.
posted by mareli at 5:04 AM on June 1, 2021