Why is my friend putting in so much romantic effort?
May 19, 2021 7:38 AM Subscribe
What can I say or do to communicate my confusion and get a real answer from this? Is it possible, or should I end this friendship?
I met someone on a dating app recently. From the beginning he made it clear that he'd like to be just friends, which I accepted. I’m a woman in my twenties who would like a relationship, but I’m happy to make friends also. He initiates frequent hangouts that really just feel like dates, and though I always noticed there was romantic tension, I brushed it off as him just wanting to be a thoughtful friend, though it’s clear we’re attracted to one another and I’ve started to get a gut reaction that this not simply a thoughtful ‘friend’. He has even 'slipped' once and said that we’re seeing each other. Still I thought so what! Friends can find each other attractive, and I’m very much enjoying the “girlfriend” benefits--thoughtful trips, meals, gifts, emotional support, and constant attention. There is nothing sexual between us.
I brought it up to him recently that it feels like mixed signals––he insists we are friends but seems to want to take things romantically. I told him in no unclear terms that I would like to date, but if he insists on friendship I can scale back that expectation and just be friends. I'd only want to date someone who is showing up in every way. I reiterated what he knew about me from the start––that I am looking for a standard relationship or just friendship, not something in-between. He said he was not ready for a relationship but that he is romantically interested in me, but that maybe this will lead to a relationship and that he is “a relationship person”? Before we met he had just gotten out of an abusive relationship.
I took this all as “I’m not interested in a relationship with YOU” and asked him to clarify how he really feels, but received these non-answers. Mixed messages is still a no, in my book, but why not: pursue someone you actually want, pursue someone who is looking for the same thing as you, or just put your time and money into yourself? As someone who doesn’t treat people like this, which seems like a huge expense of time, energy, and money on the pursuer’s part, I am perplexed, conflicted, but slightly amused because this behavior is a bit absurd. I’m still actively looking for a relationship with other people. He isn’t. I am starting to feel like I’m actually cheating on him, but we are just ‘friends’ after all. I have a complicated attachment style––I lean anxious but I also tend to attract anxious attachers these days as I’ve become what I think is more secure. I'd definitely call him avoidant, but that alone feels like a catch-all term that doesn't explain to me what is driving this behavior.
After the direct conversation in which I tried to define our friendship/relationship, he has stepped up the romantic treatment (including trying to kiss me?!) because I suppose he’s attempting to move the relationship forward, or just feels some sort of obligation to do what he thinks I want? I think this warrants another conversation between us but it’s starting to feel like I’m doing all the emotional labor. Why treat someone like your girlfriend while not getting sexual intimacy or exclusivity out of it?
We have a lot in common and I appreciate his kindness, thoughtfulness, and availability to hangout. I am starting to feel uneasy about the fact that maybe he can’t set boundaries, and I think having more insight into why people do this would help me understand where I should take relationships like these and whether I should enjoy them for what they are or start to create distance. I’m starting to think this is just some sort of illusion for him, an unhealthy, borderline delusional escapist fantasy, a friendship that is ‘too good to be true’ and thus unsustainable, because I get the feeling that he is actually quite distressed by this. Oddly, a very similar dynamic is forming with another man. What could I be doing to attract this strange behavior from people, and why do some people do this?
I met someone on a dating app recently. From the beginning he made it clear that he'd like to be just friends, which I accepted. I’m a woman in my twenties who would like a relationship, but I’m happy to make friends also. He initiates frequent hangouts that really just feel like dates, and though I always noticed there was romantic tension, I brushed it off as him just wanting to be a thoughtful friend, though it’s clear we’re attracted to one another and I’ve started to get a gut reaction that this not simply a thoughtful ‘friend’. He has even 'slipped' once and said that we’re seeing each other. Still I thought so what! Friends can find each other attractive, and I’m very much enjoying the “girlfriend” benefits--thoughtful trips, meals, gifts, emotional support, and constant attention. There is nothing sexual between us.
I brought it up to him recently that it feels like mixed signals––he insists we are friends but seems to want to take things romantically. I told him in no unclear terms that I would like to date, but if he insists on friendship I can scale back that expectation and just be friends. I'd only want to date someone who is showing up in every way. I reiterated what he knew about me from the start––that I am looking for a standard relationship or just friendship, not something in-between. He said he was not ready for a relationship but that he is romantically interested in me, but that maybe this will lead to a relationship and that he is “a relationship person”? Before we met he had just gotten out of an abusive relationship.
I took this all as “I’m not interested in a relationship with YOU” and asked him to clarify how he really feels, but received these non-answers. Mixed messages is still a no, in my book, but why not: pursue someone you actually want, pursue someone who is looking for the same thing as you, or just put your time and money into yourself? As someone who doesn’t treat people like this, which seems like a huge expense of time, energy, and money on the pursuer’s part, I am perplexed, conflicted, but slightly amused because this behavior is a bit absurd. I’m still actively looking for a relationship with other people. He isn’t. I am starting to feel like I’m actually cheating on him, but we are just ‘friends’ after all. I have a complicated attachment style––I lean anxious but I also tend to attract anxious attachers these days as I’ve become what I think is more secure. I'd definitely call him avoidant, but that alone feels like a catch-all term that doesn't explain to me what is driving this behavior.
After the direct conversation in which I tried to define our friendship/relationship, he has stepped up the romantic treatment (including trying to kiss me?!) because I suppose he’s attempting to move the relationship forward, or just feels some sort of obligation to do what he thinks I want? I think this warrants another conversation between us but it’s starting to feel like I’m doing all the emotional labor. Why treat someone like your girlfriend while not getting sexual intimacy or exclusivity out of it?
We have a lot in common and I appreciate his kindness, thoughtfulness, and availability to hangout. I am starting to feel uneasy about the fact that maybe he can’t set boundaries, and I think having more insight into why people do this would help me understand where I should take relationships like these and whether I should enjoy them for what they are or start to create distance. I’m starting to think this is just some sort of illusion for him, an unhealthy, borderline delusional escapist fantasy, a friendship that is ‘too good to be true’ and thus unsustainable, because I get the feeling that he is actually quite distressed by this. Oddly, a very similar dynamic is forming with another man. What could I be doing to attract this strange behavior from people, and why do some people do this?
Before we met he had just gotten out of an abusive relationship.
Yep, people tend to have their boundaries trampled in abusive relationships and wind up unable to set them or remember what "normal" boundaries look like. This may also be why he's not interested in a sexual relationship, perhaps to keep your relationship very different from that one or maybe because he was sexually abused. Maybe he feels misplaced guilt about how that relationship went and is trying to be a super-boyfriend. In any case, he should be talking this over with someone who isn't you and doesn't have a vested interest in his dating life.
It may not be possible to have a friendship with him right now. If you try, see him less often and only for non-date activities - in public, during the day, split the check. This relationship is currently distracting both of you from doing what you need to do to find a healthy partnership.
posted by momus_window at 7:58 AM on May 19, 2021 [3 favorites]
Yep, people tend to have their boundaries trampled in abusive relationships and wind up unable to set them or remember what "normal" boundaries look like. This may also be why he's not interested in a sexual relationship, perhaps to keep your relationship very different from that one or maybe because he was sexually abused. Maybe he feels misplaced guilt about how that relationship went and is trying to be a super-boyfriend. In any case, he should be talking this over with someone who isn't you and doesn't have a vested interest in his dating life.
It may not be possible to have a friendship with him right now. If you try, see him less often and only for non-date activities - in public, during the day, split the check. This relationship is currently distracting both of you from doing what you need to do to find a healthy partnership.
posted by momus_window at 7:58 AM on May 19, 2021 [3 favorites]
why do some people do this?
With the guy you describe in this question, my best guess is that he's someone who doesn't want something "real" but enjoys the romance of a liminal-type relationship. I think sometimes in our culture (assuming you're in North America) we can forget that men enjoy romance too. It probably serves some sort of need he has, but that doesn't mean you have to go along with it.
What could I be doing to attract this strange behavior from people
Honestly, this kind of behavior is just so typical of dating in one's twenties (and sometimes beyond). So I don't think you're necessarily doing anything to attract this behavior, but I do think you could probably weed guys like this out by setting firm boundaries. You say you don't want an in-between relationship, but you're continuing to engage in one with this guy. Again, I don't think you've done anything wrong - situations like this can be very disorienting, and it sounds like you're a very open, friendly person, which sometimes I think people who are a bit confused about what they want can glom onto. So sometimes you have to set firmer boundaries than you want to around the kinds of behavior you're comfortable with.
posted by lunasol at 8:00 AM on May 19, 2021 [10 favorites]
With the guy you describe in this question, my best guess is that he's someone who doesn't want something "real" but enjoys the romance of a liminal-type relationship. I think sometimes in our culture (assuming you're in North America) we can forget that men enjoy romance too. It probably serves some sort of need he has, but that doesn't mean you have to go along with it.
What could I be doing to attract this strange behavior from people
Honestly, this kind of behavior is just so typical of dating in one's twenties (and sometimes beyond). So I don't think you're necessarily doing anything to attract this behavior, but I do think you could probably weed guys like this out by setting firm boundaries. You say you don't want an in-between relationship, but you're continuing to engage in one with this guy. Again, I don't think you've done anything wrong - situations like this can be very disorienting, and it sounds like you're a very open, friendly person, which sometimes I think people who are a bit confused about what they want can glom onto. So sometimes you have to set firmer boundaries than you want to around the kinds of behavior you're comfortable with.
posted by lunasol at 8:00 AM on May 19, 2021 [10 favorites]
He’s asking you to wait for him. Don’t wait for him. Break things off. What he’s doing is disrespectful and makes everything about his needs rather than yours. It also makes it very difficult for you to reject him outright, which is the number one sign of an abuser- not accepting a no. Just because he’s “nice” and “damaged” doesn’t mean it isn’t manipulative behavior designed to circumvent a straightforward “no.” You have excellent instincts and are more of an adult than he is.
posted by stockpuppet at 8:04 AM on May 19, 2021 [32 favorites]
posted by stockpuppet at 8:04 AM on May 19, 2021 [32 favorites]
As a stranger on the internet who doesn't know either of you, I'd suspect he is working out things that may not particularly have anything to do with you. The abusive relationship may be important. My very naive guess, based on nothing but random pattern matching, would be that he's not actually much attracted to women or is asexual and doesn't entirely understand that yet. (Especially if he's relatively young.) Or, it could be something else entirely. In the culture I spend time in, you don't insist someone is "just friends" and then try to kiss them unless you're very confused. Whether the friendship is worth the frustration, assuming it is unlikely to change, is a question to ask.
posted by eotvos at 8:08 AM on May 19, 2021 [2 favorites]
What could I be doing to attract this strange behavior from people, and why do some people do this?People are neurotic and most of them spend less time worrying about how their actions impact others than they should. It's not about you. Keep doing what makes sense for you and don't waste time on romantic charity unless the benefits are worth it. Best wishes.
posted by eotvos at 8:08 AM on May 19, 2021 [2 favorites]
Yeah, if he's not good with his own boundaries you can still figure out what your boundaries are and set them. I would maybe tell him that he can be in touch if/when he's feeling ready to date, and if I'm available, we can try then. It sounds like this would be a frustrating just-friends friendship, look elsewhere for friends.
posted by needs more cowbell at 8:09 AM on May 19, 2021 [6 favorites]
posted by needs more cowbell at 8:09 AM on May 19, 2021 [6 favorites]
I can see lots of possibilities here:
- Perhaps he's interested, but doesn't trust his own judgement yet, and wants to be cautious.
- Perhaps he's interested, but doesn't trust YOU yet.
- Perhaps he's just not into the jump-into-bed mentality that is so common right now, either as his norm or due to the ex, and his recent change in behavior is because you're unwilling to give him some time and are pushing, and he likes you, but what you want is moving faster than he's comfortable with
- Heck, perhaps he's demisexual but leans toward heteroromantic rather than demiromantic.
Or any number of other possibilities. Pushing him won't improve things if he isn't ready, no matter the reason. If you need things to move faster, do him the favor of moving on, without blaming him for your wants, simply because his timeline or needs work differently than yours.
posted by stormyteal at 8:13 AM on May 19, 2021 [4 favorites]
- Perhaps he's interested, but doesn't trust his own judgement yet, and wants to be cautious.
- Perhaps he's interested, but doesn't trust YOU yet.
- Perhaps he's just not into the jump-into-bed mentality that is so common right now, either as his norm or due to the ex, and his recent change in behavior is because you're unwilling to give him some time and are pushing, and he likes you, but what you want is moving faster than he's comfortable with
- Heck, perhaps he's demisexual but leans toward heteroromantic rather than demiromantic.
Or any number of other possibilities. Pushing him won't improve things if he isn't ready, no matter the reason. If you need things to move faster, do him the favor of moving on, without blaming him for your wants, simply because his timeline or needs work differently than yours.
posted by stormyteal at 8:13 AM on May 19, 2021 [4 favorites]
Like a lot of people on this thread this doesn't strike me as that bizarre for someone out of an abusive relationship. I had a friendship like this in my 20s with someone who was recovering from a traumatic divorce (I was disentangling myself from my own post-divorce rebound situation, as well).
It was clear we were attracted to each other, but neither of us was ready to commit to a relationship. We got along super well, though, and everyone likes going to dinner, having someone to talk to and watch TV with, shooting the shit with someone on text while you're at your boring job. People certainly assumed we were dating/sexually involved, but we just weren't and indeed had occasional physical dalliances with other people.
It probably wasn't super healthy on either of our sides and Ideal Perfect Humans would have maintained more strictly platonic boundaries but we were just dopes in our 20s. The key though, was that as soon as one of us was ready for an actual romantic relationship, they had to say as much and the other person had to honor that by either jumping in with both feet or dialing it back to a casual friendship. He was ready first, and I just wasn't ready to let go of all of my other messes. So we dialed it way back for a while, and then when we were both happy in other relationships we got things to a healthy friendship level.
There isn't anything wrong with you having enjoyed things so far but not feeling like it's working perpetually. It seems like you're at the point where you need him to fish or cut bait; if he will do neither, sadly, you'll have to do it for him and dial the contact way down.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:46 AM on May 19, 2021 [13 favorites]
It was clear we were attracted to each other, but neither of us was ready to commit to a relationship. We got along super well, though, and everyone likes going to dinner, having someone to talk to and watch TV with, shooting the shit with someone on text while you're at your boring job. People certainly assumed we were dating/sexually involved, but we just weren't and indeed had occasional physical dalliances with other people.
It probably wasn't super healthy on either of our sides and Ideal Perfect Humans would have maintained more strictly platonic boundaries but we were just dopes in our 20s. The key though, was that as soon as one of us was ready for an actual romantic relationship, they had to say as much and the other person had to honor that by either jumping in with both feet or dialing it back to a casual friendship. He was ready first, and I just wasn't ready to let go of all of my other messes. So we dialed it way back for a while, and then when we were both happy in other relationships we got things to a healthy friendship level.
There isn't anything wrong with you having enjoyed things so far but not feeling like it's working perpetually. It seems like you're at the point where you need him to fish or cut bait; if he will do neither, sadly, you'll have to do it for him and dial the contact way down.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:46 AM on May 19, 2021 [13 favorites]
(Ironically during our messy weird too-close friendship we uncovered things about each other that probably would have been total dating dealbreakers eventually. It is nice to feel like we managed to dodge a big heartbreaking breakup some years down the road!)
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:49 AM on May 19, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:49 AM on May 19, 2021 [3 favorites]
Ambiguity and confusion confuses everyone. I don't know what to make of "I like you romantically but don't QUITE want to go all the way because I'm not ready" either. Spent two years confused by that until it finally got pointed out to me that he doesn't actually wanna and never will. I guess he just didn't care that much in the end, or it died off from pandemic, I don't know.
Having uh, sort of having this go on for awhile (though yours sounds like it went better than mine did), uh...where you said you're still actively looking for a relationship with other people? Keep on doing that. Either you find somebody better (in the "fuck yes or no" sort of way) or your finding someone else finally motivates him to decide he wants to. Or just tell him, "I want a boyfriend. I want someone who actually wants to be with me. I wasn't on a dating app to make platonic friends. I'm going to keep looking for someone if it's not ever going to be you." Since he's kept on hedging when you've been direct, it'll probably not go anywhere. (Also, why is HE on a dating app to make platonic friends? I don't understand this logic.)
Whether or not you want to ditch the friendship or the "friendship" is up to you, but assume he won't become your boyfriend even if you keep him in your life, and proceed accordingly. I totally get that crumbs is better than literally nothing indefinitely, but keep looking.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:19 AM on May 19, 2021 [1 favorite]
Having uh, sort of having this go on for awhile (though yours sounds like it went better than mine did), uh...where you said you're still actively looking for a relationship with other people? Keep on doing that. Either you find somebody better (in the "fuck yes or no" sort of way) or your finding someone else finally motivates him to decide he wants to. Or just tell him, "I want a boyfriend. I want someone who actually wants to be with me. I wasn't on a dating app to make platonic friends. I'm going to keep looking for someone if it's not ever going to be you." Since he's kept on hedging when you've been direct, it'll probably not go anywhere. (Also, why is HE on a dating app to make platonic friends? I don't understand this logic.)
Whether or not you want to ditch the friendship or the "friendship" is up to you, but assume he won't become your boyfriend even if you keep him in your life, and proceed accordingly. I totally get that crumbs is better than literally nothing indefinitely, but keep looking.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:19 AM on May 19, 2021 [1 favorite]
>> What could I be doing to attract this strange behavior from people
You're doing something that women are socialized to do: you're acting like he has all the power in defining what your interactions with each other look like. You think that simply saying "I want a relationship or a friendship, nothing inbetween" is a sufficient level of communication about your preferences, and after that, he alone gets to decide what actually happens. While you wait for him to give you his answers, you're giving up YOUR power to respect your own preferences.
It's not only him gets to set these boundaries, you know? You do too. And right now, you aren't setting any. Note: boundaries are rules you make for yourself, not for other people. Telling him that you either want a relationship or a friendship, nothing inbetween, is not a boundary! Telling yourself that you will explicitly decline all his romantic overtures and only agree to do friend stuff with him - that's a boundary.
There is some heartbreak that comes with accepting such a boundary for yourself. You'd clearly love to date him, so you're very tempted to leave the door open for romance by letting him woo you. As much as he is not sure whether he wants to be friends or wants more, you, too, are not sure whether you are fine with an inbetween or whether you truly want to have a firm boundary about no inbetweens. And this is truly up to you to decide. You don't have to stick with what you thought you wanted from him (a clear relationship or a clear friendship), you are allowed to re-evaluate your desires and decide that an inbetween relationship with him is worthwhile for you. The important thing is you own up to your preferences and actively make your own choices, instead of simply stating your preferences and then leaving it entirely up to him what actually happens.
posted by MiraK at 9:38 AM on May 19, 2021 [31 favorites]
You're doing something that women are socialized to do: you're acting like he has all the power in defining what your interactions with each other look like. You think that simply saying "I want a relationship or a friendship, nothing inbetween" is a sufficient level of communication about your preferences, and after that, he alone gets to decide what actually happens. While you wait for him to give you his answers, you're giving up YOUR power to respect your own preferences.
It's not only him gets to set these boundaries, you know? You do too. And right now, you aren't setting any. Note: boundaries are rules you make for yourself, not for other people. Telling him that you either want a relationship or a friendship, nothing inbetween, is not a boundary! Telling yourself that you will explicitly decline all his romantic overtures and only agree to do friend stuff with him - that's a boundary.
There is some heartbreak that comes with accepting such a boundary for yourself. You'd clearly love to date him, so you're very tempted to leave the door open for romance by letting him woo you. As much as he is not sure whether he wants to be friends or wants more, you, too, are not sure whether you are fine with an inbetween or whether you truly want to have a firm boundary about no inbetweens. And this is truly up to you to decide. You don't have to stick with what you thought you wanted from him (a clear relationship or a clear friendship), you are allowed to re-evaluate your desires and decide that an inbetween relationship with him is worthwhile for you. The important thing is you own up to your preferences and actively make your own choices, instead of simply stating your preferences and then leaving it entirely up to him what actually happens.
posted by MiraK at 9:38 AM on May 19, 2021 [31 favorites]
I came to emphasize what I'm happy to see ended up in the first comment.
If it gives you some context, I'm in this middle zone myself right now. As in, right this very moment. I was married for a long time, and I'm not any longer. My marriage ended in a way that makes me unsure of myself, unsure of my sense of judgment, and it's confusing! At the same time, I'm within an almost literal arm's reach of a man I find incredibly engaging and I don't know what to do with that from moment to moment—especially after a _year_ of being separated by thousands of miles and a pandemic.
Discomfort with middle grounds, uncertainty, ambiguity... it's all very real and human. If that uncertainty is something you find genuinely unbearable, and counter to your deepest senses and feelings, that's fair. If, however, you are interested enough in this person to engage with those feelings and experiences, you have the recipe for a lot of engaging, valuable, memorable exchange with him while you both figure out how to do that. Together.
To put it a bit more succinctly, this is a big part of what I'd call the human condition: we are forever on uncertain terms with other people. It can be thrilling and frustrating in equal measure, and yet you _necessarily_ must be your own guide through any advice you receive. Only you truly know how you feel.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 9:49 AM on May 19, 2021 [7 favorites]
If it gives you some context, I'm in this middle zone myself right now. As in, right this very moment. I was married for a long time, and I'm not any longer. My marriage ended in a way that makes me unsure of myself, unsure of my sense of judgment, and it's confusing! At the same time, I'm within an almost literal arm's reach of a man I find incredibly engaging and I don't know what to do with that from moment to moment—especially after a _year_ of being separated by thousands of miles and a pandemic.
Discomfort with middle grounds, uncertainty, ambiguity... it's all very real and human. If that uncertainty is something you find genuinely unbearable, and counter to your deepest senses and feelings, that's fair. If, however, you are interested enough in this person to engage with those feelings and experiences, you have the recipe for a lot of engaging, valuable, memorable exchange with him while you both figure out how to do that. Together.
To put it a bit more succinctly, this is a big part of what I'd call the human condition: we are forever on uncertain terms with other people. It can be thrilling and frustrating in equal measure, and yet you _necessarily_ must be your own guide through any advice you receive. Only you truly know how you feel.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 9:49 AM on May 19, 2021 [7 favorites]
I know this is a thing that people do, and I guess it's pretty normal, but I will never not find "making friends through a dating app" weird. There are hundreds of ways to meet people and become friends that don't involve getting the hopes up of someone who's looking for more than that. So I'm suspicious just because of that.
That said, your move here is to go on a date with someone else and then tell him about it. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know about the future of the relationship. He'll either be a friend who's happy that you had a fun date, or he'll be jealous. That simple.
posted by kevinbelt at 10:06 AM on May 19, 2021 [6 favorites]
That said, your move here is to go on a date with someone else and then tell him about it. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know about the future of the relationship. He'll either be a friend who's happy that you had a fun date, or he'll be jealous. That simple.
posted by kevinbelt at 10:06 AM on May 19, 2021 [6 favorites]
I am with late afternoon dreaming hotel on this one:
What nowadays said.
posted by y2karl at 10:46 AM on May 19, 2021
What nowadays said.
posted by y2karl at 10:46 AM on May 19, 2021
When I got out of an abusive relationship I acted like this. The reason was because I needed time to heal, but I found people attractive anyway, so I tried to stay just friends with them or keep dating casual. Against my own wishes, I fell for someone and hoped they'd date me when I felt ready, but they weren't interested and I ended up feeling horribly rejected (especially because there was reciprocal interest early on, but they changed their mind). Your friend is in a position where he's vulnerable and trying not to be and could, like me, make it worse for himself (and you) by feeling things he doesn't want to feel but not wanting to cut off contact. If I could go back in time, I would avoid the person I rebounded to a crush on after my abusive relationship, and tell them to avoid me too. It's not a good time to deal with any level of romantic interest, in my opinion, but rather a time to focus on oneself and healing solitude. Of course, it's your friend's decision to make. I just wanted you to be aware of what might be going on in his head and the kind of drama this might lead to.
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 11:04 AM on May 19, 2021 [5 favorites]
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 11:04 AM on May 19, 2021 [5 favorites]
Just want to add that you can be compassionate and understand why someone might be behaving a particular way (such as because of a recent abusive relationship) and still decide that their behavior just doesn't work for you and that you need to not hang out with them.
posted by needs more cowbell at 11:58 AM on May 19, 2021 [15 favorites]
posted by needs more cowbell at 11:58 AM on May 19, 2021 [15 favorites]
This very much feels like keeping you on the backburner. He likes the attention and the weird ambiguity but doesn't have to do all the things of a "relationship." It doesn't mean he is doing that maliciously, it could very much be that he is healing from past trauma.
If he REALLY liked you THAT much and you were so destined to date, or whatnot, then he would figure out a way to get himself ready for that or care about you enough to not string you along. But he hasn't. Afterall, as noted above by MiraK, you are giving him all the say in what happens. He gets to control the whole train for some reason. You can get off the ride. And I would recommend that you do. There are sections of dating sites made for the sole purpose of friendship. Yet, he is acting and posing as someone looking for a relationship.
There could be many reasons why, but what matters is behaviour. I would find this situation frustrating, confusing, and overall it wouldn't make me feel all that special. It's a weird thing that makes you THINK you're special, because he's going beyond the line that he set for himself. But it's still a line HE set. He can decide to be outwardly romantic and date at any moment, and he hasn't.
A real, good, healthy relationship - romantic or friendship - will genuinely make you feel special and cared for without all the caveats and second guessing. This ain't it. Move on to other friends and other relationships. Don't go back.
posted by Crystalinne at 3:48 PM on May 19, 2021 [2 favorites]
If he REALLY liked you THAT much and you were so destined to date, or whatnot, then he would figure out a way to get himself ready for that or care about you enough to not string you along. But he hasn't. Afterall, as noted above by MiraK, you are giving him all the say in what happens. He gets to control the whole train for some reason. You can get off the ride. And I would recommend that you do. There are sections of dating sites made for the sole purpose of friendship. Yet, he is acting and posing as someone looking for a relationship.
There could be many reasons why, but what matters is behaviour. I would find this situation frustrating, confusing, and overall it wouldn't make me feel all that special. It's a weird thing that makes you THINK you're special, because he's going beyond the line that he set for himself. But it's still a line HE set. He can decide to be outwardly romantic and date at any moment, and he hasn't.
A real, good, healthy relationship - romantic or friendship - will genuinely make you feel special and cared for without all the caveats and second guessing. This ain't it. Move on to other friends and other relationships. Don't go back.
posted by Crystalinne at 3:48 PM on May 19, 2021 [2 favorites]
Just wanted to nth that this sounds like someone who is really unsure of his own judgment because of his abusive relationship.
I'm coming out of one myself, and avoiding the dating scene (including making "friends" on dating apps) for this very reason. I don't want to inflict me and my issues on someone else until I've made more progress with them. My advice to you would be to figure out what you are willing to put up with, be crystal clear about that, and if his behaviour shows he cannot provide it, then dial down the contact a lot with no guilt. You'd be doing both of you a favour even if it doesn't feel like it at the time.
All the best to both of you.
posted by sir jective at 5:42 PM on May 19, 2021 [1 favorite]
I'm coming out of one myself, and avoiding the dating scene (including making "friends" on dating apps) for this very reason. I don't want to inflict me and my issues on someone else until I've made more progress with them. My advice to you would be to figure out what you are willing to put up with, be crystal clear about that, and if his behaviour shows he cannot provide it, then dial down the contact a lot with no guilt. You'd be doing both of you a favour even if it doesn't feel like it at the time.
All the best to both of you.
posted by sir jective at 5:42 PM on May 19, 2021 [1 favorite]
***!!!!!HALT THE BREAKS. This sounds very much like "Grooming" in my opinion. It's the kind of behavior exhibited by a man who when he meets someone he is attracted to physically but who may be out of his league in every other sense of the word, he feigns this nice guy persona so he can seduce her into a friends with benefits situation. It looks like a relationship and feels like it but in the middle it's all just for him to have what he wants when he wants it without the committment, being faithful or honesty. I've been through this exact same type of personality scam and if he says hes not ready for a relationship but wants something romantic then watch him for signs of a pick up artist .
posted by The_imp_inimpossible at 12:17 AM on May 20, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by The_imp_inimpossible at 12:17 AM on May 20, 2021 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: I have an update! Thank you to everyone for your insights––they helped me realize that I could not feel okay with the situation as I was experiencing it. I brought my concerns to him and we had a good conversation about it and affirmed that both of us want to date each other exclusively. Neither of us are great communicators in general, but he was very apologetic that he appeared bad-intentioned or confused. It's very evident to me that he cares a great deal about doing right by others.
posted by saturday sun at 6:42 AM on May 20, 2021 [6 favorites]
posted by saturday sun at 6:42 AM on May 20, 2021 [6 favorites]
Now that you have learned about each other, and the respective communication fails, it may be time to get to know each other and communicate your "love" properly, "5 languages of love" and all that. Not all people perceive love the same way, and doing it wrong means your message is not received or mis-interpreted, and vice versa. Glad you have all that worked out, but don't lose the momentum.
posted by kschang at 11:06 AM on May 20, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by kschang at 11:06 AM on May 20, 2021 [1 favorite]
Yaaaaaaaaaay! I'm so glad you had a happy ending to that conversation!
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:20 PM on May 20, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:20 PM on May 20, 2021 [1 favorite]
OK, I see your update, but I want to second The_imp_inimpossible and caution you that this sounds like grooming to me. All we have is his word that his previous relationship was "abusive.". That was something that stood out to me because abusers are always trying to discredit their previous partners. I remember you from the other question you asked and I think your personal history may be a factor in making you a target for people who mean you no good. I may be totally wrong, and would be happy if I am, but I still think you should be careful going forward in this relationship.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 1:38 PM on July 31, 2021
posted by WalkerWestridge at 1:38 PM on July 31, 2021
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Well, I think this is the answer. He likes you, but he doesn't trust his own judgement because of his abusive ex.
If he thinks he's not ready for a relationship, then he probably isn't and it's probably not a good idea to jump into one. But I would also be a bit gentle and sympathetic toward him because it is really hard to re-enter the dating world when you're coming from an abusive relationship. You don't trust other people but more importantly, you don't trust yourself.
If you're doing anything to attract this sort of behavior it's probably just that you seem trustworthy and safe to these men and they're wondering if they should open up to you. I don't think it's a bad thing.
Just remember to center what YOU want rather than what THEY want. Not because what they want doesn't matter, but it's just so easy to be so wrapped up in what other people are getting out of something and why and what their motives are, that you forget to think about what YOU'RE getting out of it and why and what YOUR motives are, and whether it's the right situation for YOU.
I don't think anything you're doing or saying has to change, necessarily. These kinds of situations, I think it's best to just let ride until you know your own feelings better. There's no deadline. You don't really know what will come of all this.
posted by nowadays at 7:54 AM on May 19, 2021 [21 favorites]