How do I not let my life become defined by the actions of another?
May 13, 2021 3:24 PM Subscribe
I stopped seeing a therapist three years ago, that I believe acted unethically. The licensing board just finished its investigation, which took 437 days from the date I filed my complaint, and issued no disciplinary action. Because of how traumatized I am from this, my life has really been turned upside down and I really can't move on. How do I move on? It sounds easy to tell someone to move on, but I really can't. My story below the fold.
All the advice I get from scouring the internet about how to move on relates to moving on from a breakup, divorce, etc. But she was my therapist. Also, trying to explain this to someone IRL, I don't think the gravity of the situation is understood and that's why maybe I'm told it's time to move on. I don't disagree that I need to move on/it's time to move on, but it's so incredibly hard and in three years I haven't been able to make step one towards doing so.
I'm not willing to get into the details of what this therapist did (happy to MeMail if you need specifics in order to help) but by my own definition...this therapist manipulated/coerced/strong armed me and left me feeling traumatized. Looking at the situation objectively, what she did was borderline ethical. Which is probably why it took the Board 437 days to investigate the matter, as it probably could have gone either way. But in the end, they issued no formal disciplinary or corrective action.
Since last seeing her, my life has completely changed. Much of it my own doing, and I take responsibility for that, but nonetheless these are the effects from being in therapy with her. In a bad week, I'm crying/having panic attacks 3-4 days a week solely about her. For the entire past three years...I don't sleep past 5am, because I'm going to bed so early most nights. I haven't been able to focus on work/hold down a stable job, when that was no issue before. I've also, most of the time, detached and isolated myself...even pre-COVID.
The truth is that I was attached and attracted to her. Which plays a part in not being able to move on, although that's a separate issue from the unethical portion of being in therapy with her. I also, for the most part, did not respect women prior to being in therapy with her. And so this was the first time where I was really talking to a woman and not trying to get sex, etc. out of it. It's therapy, obviously. But in the end I was manipulated anyway. I tried therapy briefly after seeing her, but it didn't work out as no other therapist could really help me manage the trauma of another therapist or even wanted to help. The past three years, I've begun treating others the way I feel I was treated in that therapy room, mainly in regards to the manipulation of women. So yeah, I've gone off the rails and reversed any progress I ever made in therapy.
I realize that all of this paints a bad picture of me, and realize that I do need to hold myself partly accountable, but I really am lost here. The decision from the Board doesn't really change anything for me, as I had a hard time believing that the Board would issue her disciplinary action in the end. But now their decision is official at least.
Even if you don't take into account my life choices post-therapy, which is not what I'm asking for advice on in here, I am incredibly stuck. I continue to cry, have panic attacks, vomit, etc. solely from the circumstances of our therapy. I recognize that I should move on, that it's time to move on, but it's not that easy. And I may not have explained the situation well enough in here to where the gravity of the situation is understood, and it may never be that way by anyone other than me, but I hope that I have.
Again, I completely own the fact that part of moving on would involve making good life choices, and I am working on that but that is not what I'm asking here. I also don't think anything changes in regards to this matter if I suddenly have a great life. So I have to look at these things as mutually exclusive. At the end of the day I'm still very traumatized by a therapist and it's weighing on me heavily.
If I haven't given enough background (I've tried to keep this to the essentials/relevant info/what I'm comfortable sharing) for you to lend advice to moving on in this specific situation, then I'd appreciate general advice. How do you move on from a life changing event? Like, how!? What about when it's time to move on but you clearly can't?
Also, I am moving abroad very soon to a country where therapy isn't a thing. Even if that wasn't the case, or I could do virtual therapy with someone here in the US, at this time I'm not looking to solve my therapist problems with more therapy. Just wanted to note that in case it became a common suggestion.
Thank you and please be kind because I'm quite fragile right now. I'm lost in this matter and am wondering how much longer it's going to have this big of an effect on me.
All the advice I get from scouring the internet about how to move on relates to moving on from a breakup, divorce, etc. But she was my therapist. Also, trying to explain this to someone IRL, I don't think the gravity of the situation is understood and that's why maybe I'm told it's time to move on. I don't disagree that I need to move on/it's time to move on, but it's so incredibly hard and in three years I haven't been able to make step one towards doing so.
I'm not willing to get into the details of what this therapist did (happy to MeMail if you need specifics in order to help) but by my own definition...this therapist manipulated/coerced/strong armed me and left me feeling traumatized. Looking at the situation objectively, what she did was borderline ethical. Which is probably why it took the Board 437 days to investigate the matter, as it probably could have gone either way. But in the end, they issued no formal disciplinary or corrective action.
Since last seeing her, my life has completely changed. Much of it my own doing, and I take responsibility for that, but nonetheless these are the effects from being in therapy with her. In a bad week, I'm crying/having panic attacks 3-4 days a week solely about her. For the entire past three years...I don't sleep past 5am, because I'm going to bed so early most nights. I haven't been able to focus on work/hold down a stable job, when that was no issue before. I've also, most of the time, detached and isolated myself...even pre-COVID.
The truth is that I was attached and attracted to her. Which plays a part in not being able to move on, although that's a separate issue from the unethical portion of being in therapy with her. I also, for the most part, did not respect women prior to being in therapy with her. And so this was the first time where I was really talking to a woman and not trying to get sex, etc. out of it. It's therapy, obviously. But in the end I was manipulated anyway. I tried therapy briefly after seeing her, but it didn't work out as no other therapist could really help me manage the trauma of another therapist or even wanted to help. The past three years, I've begun treating others the way I feel I was treated in that therapy room, mainly in regards to the manipulation of women. So yeah, I've gone off the rails and reversed any progress I ever made in therapy.
I realize that all of this paints a bad picture of me, and realize that I do need to hold myself partly accountable, but I really am lost here. The decision from the Board doesn't really change anything for me, as I had a hard time believing that the Board would issue her disciplinary action in the end. But now their decision is official at least.
Even if you don't take into account my life choices post-therapy, which is not what I'm asking for advice on in here, I am incredibly stuck. I continue to cry, have panic attacks, vomit, etc. solely from the circumstances of our therapy. I recognize that I should move on, that it's time to move on, but it's not that easy. And I may not have explained the situation well enough in here to where the gravity of the situation is understood, and it may never be that way by anyone other than me, but I hope that I have.
Again, I completely own the fact that part of moving on would involve making good life choices, and I am working on that but that is not what I'm asking here. I also don't think anything changes in regards to this matter if I suddenly have a great life. So I have to look at these things as mutually exclusive. At the end of the day I'm still very traumatized by a therapist and it's weighing on me heavily.
If I haven't given enough background (I've tried to keep this to the essentials/relevant info/what I'm comfortable sharing) for you to lend advice to moving on in this specific situation, then I'd appreciate general advice. How do you move on from a life changing event? Like, how!? What about when it's time to move on but you clearly can't?
Also, I am moving abroad very soon to a country where therapy isn't a thing. Even if that wasn't the case, or I could do virtual therapy with someone here in the US, at this time I'm not looking to solve my therapist problems with more therapy. Just wanted to note that in case it became a common suggestion.
Thank you and please be kind because I'm quite fragile right now. I'm lost in this matter and am wondering how much longer it's going to have this big of an effect on me.
I'm not at all a therapist, but I think it's possible you might find it helpful to read up on the concept of moral injury. (Link is to the Wikipedia page, but google around for other sources too.)
posted by heatherlogan at 3:51 PM on May 13, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by heatherlogan at 3:51 PM on May 13, 2021 [3 favorites]
It's hard for me to quite understand what happened, and it's possible knowing what it was would help me grasp it. I do get the impulse you should see a new therapist, a male one this time. "Go to therapy" is a common prescription. But on the other hand (as you have said) therapy to manage trauma from therapy is far from a panacea. It might not even help.
I think it might be interesting for you to read this article, specifically the opening story about the farmer and the cow. And then think about what your cow might be.
posted by lewedswiver at 4:28 PM on May 13, 2021 [3 favorites]
I think it might be interesting for you to read this article, specifically the opening story about the farmer and the cow. And then think about what your cow might be.
posted by lewedswiver at 4:28 PM on May 13, 2021 [3 favorites]
When I need to move on from something, it sometimes helps me to invent a good solid fictional story that could reasonably be true in an alternate universe that gives me a sense of closure.
posted by aniola at 4:36 PM on May 13, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by aniola at 4:36 PM on May 13, 2021 [4 favorites]
Sometimes it's hard for me to move on until I can allow my emotions around the experience to come out. Feeling angry or sad or grieving or desiring, just so i can acknowledge that I feel this way and take away some of the energy of that feeling.
posted by kokaku at 4:43 PM on May 13, 2021
posted by kokaku at 4:43 PM on May 13, 2021
You can try books and workbooks about trauma since there are a lot of decent materials out there, which can give you a lot of tools, but there's no treatment for trauma except trauma-focused therapy and there's only so much of that you can do for yourself without trained assistance.
You have to process it to get through it, though, ideally in a safe and productive way. It does not just go away. We know this, because we've been doing experiments on the military (and women, and people of color, and so on and on and on) for thousands of years.
We know of some adjuncts to therapy that seem promising in making big leaps in progress with just a few treatments - EMDR, MDMA, Ketamine - but all of those have to be administered and managed and supported by qualified mental health (and in the case of the latter two, also medical/psychiatric) care providers. You can't just get EMDR from an amateur, and you can't just go buy street drugs in hopes they erase the trauma, it's the process of undergoing treatment IN the mental state evoked by the equipment/medication that makes it work.
You're not going to find much material specifically about abuse by a therapist, but from a methodology standpoint that is largely the same as any abuser with a high power differential/trusted authority status - law enforcement, medical doctor, teacher, parent, religious leader. It was supposed to be a high-trust situation and someone took advantage of that to hurt you. They were well-trained in the methods they used to do so, but so are many of those other trusted authority types. It'll translate well enough, I think.
Because of the scope and depth of this situation, you will probably find more that you relate to in material aimed at long-term or complex PTSD. I think a good entrypoint is Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. I can only give a guarded recommendation to the work of the Van Der Kolks; The Body Keeps The Score has been really meaningful for some people I know (in particular some who had no choice but self-treatment), and I do think PTSD has mind-body interdynamics that need to be addressed, but I also find the book itself kinda trauma-porny in a way that I guess is probably supposed to help people relate their particular trauma - I would say at the very least don't start with it, and read some criticism of it before getting into it.
I have been listening to some interviews and then the audiobooks of Dr. Edith Eva Eger, a clinical psychologist specializing in trauma and also a Holocaust survivor. She's really passionately positive, in a way that can grate in some moments, but she is also very serious about the work and it encompasses in-depth talk about the rage and grief and the other hardest aspects of recovery. Her book The Choice is more of a memoir, The Gift is a distillation of her experience and work and is probably a better place to start unless you just want the longer-form memoir. (15-minute TEDX video.)
posted by Lyn Never at 4:52 PM on May 13, 2021 [7 favorites]
You have to process it to get through it, though, ideally in a safe and productive way. It does not just go away. We know this, because we've been doing experiments on the military (and women, and people of color, and so on and on and on) for thousands of years.
We know of some adjuncts to therapy that seem promising in making big leaps in progress with just a few treatments - EMDR, MDMA, Ketamine - but all of those have to be administered and managed and supported by qualified mental health (and in the case of the latter two, also medical/psychiatric) care providers. You can't just get EMDR from an amateur, and you can't just go buy street drugs in hopes they erase the trauma, it's the process of undergoing treatment IN the mental state evoked by the equipment/medication that makes it work.
You're not going to find much material specifically about abuse by a therapist, but from a methodology standpoint that is largely the same as any abuser with a high power differential/trusted authority status - law enforcement, medical doctor, teacher, parent, religious leader. It was supposed to be a high-trust situation and someone took advantage of that to hurt you. They were well-trained in the methods they used to do so, but so are many of those other trusted authority types. It'll translate well enough, I think.
Because of the scope and depth of this situation, you will probably find more that you relate to in material aimed at long-term or complex PTSD. I think a good entrypoint is Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. I can only give a guarded recommendation to the work of the Van Der Kolks; The Body Keeps The Score has been really meaningful for some people I know (in particular some who had no choice but self-treatment), and I do think PTSD has mind-body interdynamics that need to be addressed, but I also find the book itself kinda trauma-porny in a way that I guess is probably supposed to help people relate their particular trauma - I would say at the very least don't start with it, and read some criticism of it before getting into it.
I have been listening to some interviews and then the audiobooks of Dr. Edith Eva Eger, a clinical psychologist specializing in trauma and also a Holocaust survivor. She's really passionately positive, in a way that can grate in some moments, but she is also very serious about the work and it encompasses in-depth talk about the rage and grief and the other hardest aspects of recovery. Her book The Choice is more of a memoir, The Gift is a distillation of her experience and work and is probably a better place to start unless you just want the longer-form memoir. (15-minute TEDX video.)
posted by Lyn Never at 4:52 PM on May 13, 2021 [7 favorites]
I actually am going to just share that I find it easier to move towards something than on from something else. What is it you want to do?
posted by warriorqueen at 5:07 PM on May 13, 2021 [17 favorites]
posted by warriorqueen at 5:07 PM on May 13, 2021 [17 favorites]
I am so incredibly sorry that you are going through this. If you’re unable to hold down a job or sleep, it may be time to get some kind of anti-anxiety meds that can provide some breathing room and at least just give you some kind of respite from your suffering. Once you’ve gotten to a place where you can get your basic needs met, you can figure out where to go from there. General practitioners can prescribe them but I have found that psychiatrists are better at figuring out nuance in specific drugs. They also have a tendency to actually believe people when they explain their trauma. While there are psychiatrists who do therapy, the majority of them, in my experience, just spend their time with you talking about how you’re doing in relation to the medication.
I hope things get better for you soon.
posted by corey flood at 5:11 PM on May 13, 2021 [4 favorites]
I hope things get better for you soon.
posted by corey flood at 5:11 PM on May 13, 2021 [4 favorites]
The truth is that I was attached and attracted to her. ... I also, for the most part, did not respect women prior to being in therapy with her.
Is the trauma you endured related to your attraction? In other words, could a male therapist have caused the same trauma? If it is related to the therapist being female, then I suggest that moving on will come when you have deeply investigated and resolved your misogyny.
posted by Thella at 6:32 PM on May 13, 2021 [29 favorites]
Is the trauma you endured related to your attraction? In other words, could a male therapist have caused the same trauma? If it is related to the therapist being female, then I suggest that moving on will come when you have deeply investigated and resolved your misogyny.
posted by Thella at 6:32 PM on May 13, 2021 [29 favorites]
The reason people are saying therapy is because your emotions are a signal and you have to find out what's causing this signal to make it stop. You do that by using a neutral 3rd party to have a conversation with yourself, to find out what's going on.
I also agree that it sounds like medication could really help.
posted by bleep at 6:32 PM on May 13, 2021 [3 favorites]
I also agree that it sounds like medication could really help.
posted by bleep at 6:32 PM on May 13, 2021 [3 favorites]
I think it would be hard for anyone who isn't a licensed therapist or psychiastrist to get very specific about options and mechanics of moving through this. What you are describing - panic attacks, inability to work, etc - are major functional impediments that likely indicate you have a level of trauma attached to this that would benefit from professional interventions, though I can see how that would be hard to do if the trauma stems from that exact situation.
One thing I will say is part of moving on is some amount of just deciding and committing to getting over it, and holding on for dear life through the process. You're totally right that it's not easy, and for some people and scenarios, it never happens but that is sad and tragic and worth fighting with everything you've got. Something that has helped me do that is distinguishing what is accurate from what is useful. Often we focus on what is accurate and true to our own detriment, which I think may be part of your challenge. Yes, this shitty thing happened and it's not fair or right or any number of things, but what use is any of that information? You can't change it, and it's not a very good predictor of how other therapists will treat you necessarily, and continuing to ruminate on it simply robs you of opportunities to feel better moving forward. Worse, your traumatic experience continues to harm you after the fact for as long as it has power over you. All this to say, at some point you have to say no more to this, and decide you will start being the person you want to be and living differently despite this horrible experience. Then you work through how to do it, trying things out and failing and then trying again, until you eventually do, no matter how long it takes. Keep going!!
posted by amycup at 6:44 PM on May 13, 2021 [6 favorites]
One thing I will say is part of moving on is some amount of just deciding and committing to getting over it, and holding on for dear life through the process. You're totally right that it's not easy, and for some people and scenarios, it never happens but that is sad and tragic and worth fighting with everything you've got. Something that has helped me do that is distinguishing what is accurate from what is useful. Often we focus on what is accurate and true to our own detriment, which I think may be part of your challenge. Yes, this shitty thing happened and it's not fair or right or any number of things, but what use is any of that information? You can't change it, and it's not a very good predictor of how other therapists will treat you necessarily, and continuing to ruminate on it simply robs you of opportunities to feel better moving forward. Worse, your traumatic experience continues to harm you after the fact for as long as it has power over you. All this to say, at some point you have to say no more to this, and decide you will start being the person you want to be and living differently despite this horrible experience. Then you work through how to do it, trying things out and failing and then trying again, until you eventually do, no matter how long it takes. Keep going!!
posted by amycup at 6:44 PM on May 13, 2021 [6 favorites]
So, step one is to stop counting the number of days that the licensing board took to reach a decision.
When I say that, it sounds a little facetious and obvious, but I’m serious. You’re making a choice to hold on to a number that is entirely meaningless. What difference does it make how many days they took to investigate and deliberate? Would it be better if they only took ten days? If they took 7,327 days? What if it only took two days, but there were other priorities that they spent the first 435 days dealing with? What is the ideal number of days? Asking that question sounds silly, but yet the number of days is so important to you that you mentioned it twice in your question. It clearly matters to you. Ask yourself why.
I understand it sounds silly and oversimplified to say you just have to decide to move on, but at some point you just have to decide to move on. Life makes you. I’ve had issues with depression in the past; I’m kind of dealing with a bout right now. It’s hard. But like, I have kids who need to go to daycare. I have rent that’s due. I have meetings at work where my boss expects me to have something to present. As much as I’d like to dwell on the things that are weighing on me, I just can’t. Are there times when I think about driving my car into a tree on my way to pick up my kids? Yes. But I haven’t. And, notably, neither have you. So that’s something.
If that’s not enough (and if you’re having panic attacks often enough that you can’t hold down a job, it sounds like it’s not enough), there’s really no other option besides professional help. No random internet stranger can possibly solve that problem by reading eleven paragraphs on Ask Metafilter. Even fairly straightforward mental illnesses are pretty complicated, and from this post and your question history, yours does not seem straightforward. There aren’t many shortcuts, unfortunately.
posted by kevinbelt at 7:09 PM on May 13, 2021 [14 favorites]
When I say that, it sounds a little facetious and obvious, but I’m serious. You’re making a choice to hold on to a number that is entirely meaningless. What difference does it make how many days they took to investigate and deliberate? Would it be better if they only took ten days? If they took 7,327 days? What if it only took two days, but there were other priorities that they spent the first 435 days dealing with? What is the ideal number of days? Asking that question sounds silly, but yet the number of days is so important to you that you mentioned it twice in your question. It clearly matters to you. Ask yourself why.
I understand it sounds silly and oversimplified to say you just have to decide to move on, but at some point you just have to decide to move on. Life makes you. I’ve had issues with depression in the past; I’m kind of dealing with a bout right now. It’s hard. But like, I have kids who need to go to daycare. I have rent that’s due. I have meetings at work where my boss expects me to have something to present. As much as I’d like to dwell on the things that are weighing on me, I just can’t. Are there times when I think about driving my car into a tree on my way to pick up my kids? Yes. But I haven’t. And, notably, neither have you. So that’s something.
If that’s not enough (and if you’re having panic attacks often enough that you can’t hold down a job, it sounds like it’s not enough), there’s really no other option besides professional help. No random internet stranger can possibly solve that problem by reading eleven paragraphs on Ask Metafilter. Even fairly straightforward mental illnesses are pretty complicated, and from this post and your question history, yours does not seem straightforward. There aren’t many shortcuts, unfortunately.
posted by kevinbelt at 7:09 PM on May 13, 2021 [14 favorites]
You may be feeling really bad because (among other reasons) you were wronged, and you haven’t received justice. If what the therapist did was unethical you might want to speak to an attorney about possible legal remedies. You could file a suit. Bad therapists are dangerous and will go on to hurt other vulnerable people who come to them for help. I had a situation like yours and I regret not pursuing it legally. Anyway, Perhaps a conversation with an attorney specializing in malpractice could steer you toward some form of redress. I really hope it works out for you.
posted by cartoonella at 7:55 PM on May 13, 2021
posted by cartoonella at 7:55 PM on May 13, 2021
I'm not a therapist and not your therapist. Ot sounds like you need a framework for getting going again. As mentioned above, you need to see yourself as a survivor of this event and that the things that still bother you are 'in hand as you survive the fallout' not 'overwhelming as you continue to suffer'.
You sound like you also need to re-evaluate your expectations about interactions with women (you've not said but I'm assuming you're heterosexual and you didn't think you needed to explain -- why didn't you say?) and the power dynamics you expect, especially when opening up and being vulnerable in therapy. Maybe you need to move away and live in another culture for a while where you have to think about each interaction to decide what behaviour is expected and appropriate.
Being seen as human and mistaking trust for the butterflies of falling in love is a known thing in therapy. Take some examples of everyday lived-out feelings from a sh_tty soap opera, and use them to understand yourself.
You need a framework for action and (if you can't go to a Tuesday, you) might benefit from a life coach driving you to act. Get a 'vision board' thing for real-world people and characters in books, TV and film who are examples you can follow of compassion, boundaried respect, collaboration and mutuality. Use them to shape your choices when interacting with other people. When you don't get an outcome you want, write out what boundaries there were and the roles of the people involved so u check yourself for behaviour you think might be manipulation. Use a series of positive interactions to mark you as surviving this past phase of your life.
posted by k3ninho at 4:16 AM on May 14, 2021 [3 favorites]
You sound like you also need to re-evaluate your expectations about interactions with women (you've not said but I'm assuming you're heterosexual and you didn't think you needed to explain -- why didn't you say?) and the power dynamics you expect, especially when opening up and being vulnerable in therapy. Maybe you need to move away and live in another culture for a while where you have to think about each interaction to decide what behaviour is expected and appropriate.
Being seen as human and mistaking trust for the butterflies of falling in love is a known thing in therapy. Take some examples of everyday lived-out feelings from a sh_tty soap opera, and use them to understand yourself.
You need a framework for action and (if you can't go to a Tuesday, you) might benefit from a life coach driving you to act. Get a 'vision board' thing for real-world people and characters in books, TV and film who are examples you can follow of compassion, boundaried respect, collaboration and mutuality. Use them to shape your choices when interacting with other people. When you don't get an outcome you want, write out what boundaries there were and the roles of the people involved so u check yourself for behaviour you think might be manipulation. Use a series of positive interactions to mark you as surviving this past phase of your life.
posted by k3ninho at 4:16 AM on May 14, 2021 [3 favorites]
I'm sorry you continue to feel traumatized by your former therapist.
Reading back through your Asks, I'm assuming the trauma you refer to was caused by your reaction to your former therapist requiring you to attend group therapy if you wanted to continue to see her. Therapists may and in fact in some cases are ethically required to draw boundaries, including referring a client to another therapist when they think they can no longer be effective. Perhaps she felt that group was the best way for you to progress towards the stated goal of forming attachments to appropriate people and lessen your attachment to her. Perhaps she thought your risk of suicide was elevated if you didn't attend group. Perhaps she was right, perhaps she was wrong, but in her clinical judgement your not attending group meant that she could no longer effectively help you, and she did the right thing by ending therapy with you.
Put another way: Just because it was painful for you doesn't mean it was unethical for her to do. That was underlined by the findings of the board.
I concur with the advice to seek a male therapist for now. Trying to work through your issues while seeing a therapist you don't respect because of her gender seems to just add needless complexity and be counterproductive.
posted by Flock of Cynthiabirds at 4:32 AM on May 14, 2021 [10 favorites]
Reading back through your Asks, I'm assuming the trauma you refer to was caused by your reaction to your former therapist requiring you to attend group therapy if you wanted to continue to see her. Therapists may and in fact in some cases are ethically required to draw boundaries, including referring a client to another therapist when they think they can no longer be effective. Perhaps she felt that group was the best way for you to progress towards the stated goal of forming attachments to appropriate people and lessen your attachment to her. Perhaps she thought your risk of suicide was elevated if you didn't attend group. Perhaps she was right, perhaps she was wrong, but in her clinical judgement your not attending group meant that she could no longer effectively help you, and she did the right thing by ending therapy with you.
Put another way: Just because it was painful for you doesn't mean it was unethical for her to do. That was underlined by the findings of the board.
I concur with the advice to seek a male therapist for now. Trying to work through your issues while seeing a therapist you don't respect because of her gender seems to just add needless complexity and be counterproductive.
posted by Flock of Cynthiabirds at 4:32 AM on May 14, 2021 [10 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for the responses. Just chiming in to address @Flock's comment, which is that while that issue did play a role, it is not the manipulation of which I speak and am having issues with.
posted by signondiego at 4:56 AM on May 14, 2021
posted by signondiego at 4:56 AM on May 14, 2021
I think this is more critical than your above-the-fold description makes it seem. This is so bad that it's making you physically ill, so you need to treat it like the crisis that it is. I agree with those who suggest finding a therapist-- specifically a male therapist-- to address what happened and why it has become such a big problem for you. It does sound like there is something stopping you from addressing it directly, but that is part of what the therapist is there for.
posted by BibiRose at 5:59 AM on May 14, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by BibiRose at 5:59 AM on May 14, 2021 [1 favorite]
I recognize that I should move on, that it's time to move on, but it's not that easy.
Indeed it is not! Anyone who tells you different is selling something. Have you considered the possibility that your grief and distress is exactly at the level is should be? You were betrayed by someone you trusted! Your emotional self is in complete overdrive trying to make sure that never happens again. Advice about "well if you keep ruminating you're only hurting yourself" is well-meaning, but always strikes me as the "why do poor people eat so much fast food?" of relationship advice. The rumination is an attempt to cope with a deficit in stability that very few people can overcome by white-knuckling it and eating emotional kale for 6 months.
I am neither a nor your therapist, but in my experience, the mechanics of "forgiveness" or "moving on" are these:
1) Someone fucks up bigtime and hurts you, and you can't figure out why, or what you could have done to prevent it.
2) You learn to associate pain with this person, and depending on the context of the fuckup, everyone you ever met through this person, the city you explored with this person, the religious tradition you shared, the category of relationship yours was, etc. etc.
3) The pain temporarily allows you to trust that the Bad Thing will never happen again, because you will studiously avoid doing things that are associated with pain. The pain is a tool for self-protection, and it also validates that the hurt was real, in the face of the licensing board's decision. If you were routinely invalidated and gaslit in the past, the pain is a powerful FUCK YOU to the people who hurt you. Unfortunately, it is also painful to live with. It's a tradeoff, and no one gets to tell you how to make that trade.
4) One way you could let go of the pain is if you trust that you learned the lessons you need to learn in order to prevent yourself from getting hurt in the same way, being made vulnerable in a way that you are not sure you will ever recover from. Build trust in yourself that you can avoid trusting the wrong people without having a deafening klaxxon chorus of painful warnings go off. Maybe this looks like getting on a good anti-anxiety regimen (pharma or not, something as chill as mindfulness could work) and working through your memories of therapy to pick out these red flags, and then decide what you will do if you encounter them again, what boundaries you will put in place and what the consequences are if other people violate or disregard or question those boundaries.
5) When the alarm bells go off, and they will, they may not mean as much, because see - you have this list of things you learned about not letting the Bad Thing happen again! You can be trusted to protect yourself without living with a disabling amount of pain.
posted by All hands bury the dead at 10:50 AM on May 14, 2021 [3 favorites]
Indeed it is not! Anyone who tells you different is selling something. Have you considered the possibility that your grief and distress is exactly at the level is should be? You were betrayed by someone you trusted! Your emotional self is in complete overdrive trying to make sure that never happens again. Advice about "well if you keep ruminating you're only hurting yourself" is well-meaning, but always strikes me as the "why do poor people eat so much fast food?" of relationship advice. The rumination is an attempt to cope with a deficit in stability that very few people can overcome by white-knuckling it and eating emotional kale for 6 months.
I am neither a nor your therapist, but in my experience, the mechanics of "forgiveness" or "moving on" are these:
1) Someone fucks up bigtime and hurts you, and you can't figure out why, or what you could have done to prevent it.
2) You learn to associate pain with this person, and depending on the context of the fuckup, everyone you ever met through this person, the city you explored with this person, the religious tradition you shared, the category of relationship yours was, etc. etc.
3) The pain temporarily allows you to trust that the Bad Thing will never happen again, because you will studiously avoid doing things that are associated with pain. The pain is a tool for self-protection, and it also validates that the hurt was real, in the face of the licensing board's decision. If you were routinely invalidated and gaslit in the past, the pain is a powerful FUCK YOU to the people who hurt you. Unfortunately, it is also painful to live with. It's a tradeoff, and no one gets to tell you how to make that trade.
4) One way you could let go of the pain is if you trust that you learned the lessons you need to learn in order to prevent yourself from getting hurt in the same way, being made vulnerable in a way that you are not sure you will ever recover from. Build trust in yourself that you can avoid trusting the wrong people without having a deafening klaxxon chorus of painful warnings go off. Maybe this looks like getting on a good anti-anxiety regimen (pharma or not, something as chill as mindfulness could work) and working through your memories of therapy to pick out these red flags, and then decide what you will do if you encounter them again, what boundaries you will put in place and what the consequences are if other people violate or disregard or question those boundaries.
5) When the alarm bells go off, and they will, they may not mean as much, because see - you have this list of things you learned about not letting the Bad Thing happen again! You can be trusted to protect yourself without living with a disabling amount of pain.
posted by All hands bury the dead at 10:50 AM on May 14, 2021 [3 favorites]
I haven't commented on mefi in ten thousand million years, but I felt a need to chime in here as a survivor of therapist abuse. I truly don't know you from Adam. I haven't read your question history. I'm going to leave aside the misogyny or boundary issues or who you are as a person or whatever, because we are strangers. I am going to say this, for you and for anyone who might read this in the future: psych abuse, and particularly therapist abuse, is incredibly hard for people to wrap their head around. That the first impulse when someone says the psych system fails them is "move on" and "just get MORE therapy" sucks. I'm sorry people are doing that. I'm sorry it's going to be hard to find understanding and support, even among other abuse survivors, or legal recourse, or validation, because the truth of it is it's a real kind of abuse that is specific and that people don't want to believe is real. That the people who are there to answer the question of "who will help" cause the damage in the first place is uncomfortable to accept as the truth for many people. It isn't fair, and it compounds suffering, but you are allowed to feel it.
Count the days if you want to. Be angry about a miscarriage of justice that happened, it is just as real as any miscarriage of justice. Don't go to therapy, less than two years after this occurred, if you don't want! I don't have an answer for you. I will tell you there are psychiatric professionals out there who will believe you, who will allow you to trust again. They are hard to find, but they exist. If you never want to see them that's your call - opting out of a broken system when it breaks you is a legitimate choice. So is choosing to opt in again. So is choosing some weird third option. This is true for everyone. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
posted by colorblock sock at 1:41 AM on May 16, 2021 [1 favorite]
Count the days if you want to. Be angry about a miscarriage of justice that happened, it is just as real as any miscarriage of justice. Don't go to therapy, less than two years after this occurred, if you don't want! I don't have an answer for you. I will tell you there are psychiatric professionals out there who will believe you, who will allow you to trust again. They are hard to find, but they exist. If you never want to see them that's your call - opting out of a broken system when it breaks you is a legitimate choice. So is choosing to opt in again. So is choosing some weird third option. This is true for everyone. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
posted by colorblock sock at 1:41 AM on May 16, 2021 [1 favorite]
All the advice I get from scouring the internet about how to move on relates to moving on from a breakup, divorce, etc.
I googled using terms like "my therapist abused me" etc. and found a bunch of links that I hope will be useful:
https://www.therapyabuse.org/p2-emotional-abuse-in-therapy.htm
http://www.lunalunamagazine.com/dark/strange-therapy-how-my-therapist-abused-manipulated-me-in-our-sessions
http://www.survivingtherapistabuse.com/treatment-abuse-checklist/
https://praxisthriving.com/blog/2017/11/26/abuses-of-power-when-therapy-harms-part-1-five-warning-signs-of-abusive-therapy
posted by foxjacket at 6:16 PM on May 16, 2021 [1 favorite]
I googled using terms like "my therapist abused me" etc. and found a bunch of links that I hope will be useful:
https://www.therapyabuse.org/p2-emotional-abuse-in-therapy.htm
http://www.lunalunamagazine.com/dark/strange-therapy-how-my-therapist-abused-manipulated-me-in-our-sessions
http://www.survivingtherapistabuse.com/treatment-abuse-checklist/
https://praxisthriving.com/blog/2017/11/26/abuses-of-power-when-therapy-harms-part-1-five-warning-signs-of-abusive-therapy
posted by foxjacket at 6:16 PM on May 16, 2021 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:50 PM on May 13, 2021 [14 favorites]