Parents with babies: WDYD if one parent has to go to the hospital?
May 7, 2021 7:08 PM Subscribe
That's basically it. If one parent has to go to the ER or be hospitalized, does the other stay home with the baby? Go to the hospital, too, and bring the baby? Under what circumstances?
I had to go to the ER when my baby was about 2 months old. This was during Covid, maybe like August or September of last year?
My spouse stayed home with baby. I brought my pump to the ER. Young orderly who came to pick me up for some tests was absolutely (amusingly to me) mortified to walk in on me pumping.
It only worked because my baby already took a bottle and my spouse knew what to do.
posted by Temeraria at 7:44 PM on May 7, 2021 [1 favorite]
My spouse stayed home with baby. I brought my pump to the ER. Young orderly who came to pick me up for some tests was absolutely (amusingly to me) mortified to walk in on me pumping.
It only worked because my baby already took a bottle and my spouse knew what to do.
posted by Temeraria at 7:44 PM on May 7, 2021 [1 favorite]
I'd like to put in a plug for calling on your good friends even if they're someone you wouldn't normally have babysit. My husband and I don't have kids (and I am well known to be generally horrified by them), but when our long-time friends with toddler twins had a middle of the night emergency, they knew they could call on us and we'd do our best. It was scary all around, but everyone survived!
posted by LadyOscar at 7:52 PM on May 7, 2021 [13 favorites]
posted by LadyOscar at 7:52 PM on May 7, 2021 [13 favorites]
I'd call on our neighbors and ask them to watch the baby. Having a kid in a pandemic has made me more conscious than ever of the need to cultivate local networks.
Like, we're kinda making friends with a couple with a similarly aged kid who live up the street. To the point where the dad ruefully said to us "We, uh, we like you guys!". Maybe we'd call them. I should get their number.
posted by stray at 8:30 PM on May 7, 2021 [3 favorites]
Like, we're kinda making friends with a couple with a similarly aged kid who live up the street. To the point where the dad ruefully said to us "We, uh, we like you guys!". Maybe we'd call them. I should get their number.
posted by stray at 8:30 PM on May 7, 2021 [3 favorites]
Friends have helped sometimes. But in pre-Covid times we usually did it like both parents went to the ER, kid(s) in tow. Parent needing treatment did that, the other parent hovered with the kids - inside, food court, outside, whatever - until diagnosis. Not too far, back for test results etc.
If it was an overnight stay the healthy parent took the kids home and came back at a decent hour. I had threatened pre-term labour several times with my youngest; my oldest son got really good at coming to L&D and then the times I was admitted, going back to bed and getting to go to school late. He got to where he was like “do you have a belly monitor on yet?” He had a nap next to me one time. That same pregnancy, earlier on, I had a small placental tear which was...spectacular and involved a fast ER trip. My husband took my older child to the art gallery down the street while I found out if the baby was still viable and whether I was ok. It was good news, yay. If it hadn’t been at least he was close. (We had backup not too far away.)
For planned things we had more babysitting help.
Nursing babe and mum was a unit (for us that was almost always the reverse scenario - baby in hospital, mum stayed.) When my youngest was 4 weeks old my dad had a massive aneurysm. I sat in the ICU with him with the baby at a few points...I had the stroller set up like a sanitizing station and with the rain cover. It was a crazy time, but we thought he was dying.
I doubt that’s possible now, but it worked for us.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:31 PM on May 7, 2021 [3 favorites]
If it was an overnight stay the healthy parent took the kids home and came back at a decent hour. I had threatened pre-term labour several times with my youngest; my oldest son got really good at coming to L&D and then the times I was admitted, going back to bed and getting to go to school late. He got to where he was like “do you have a belly monitor on yet?” He had a nap next to me one time. That same pregnancy, earlier on, I had a small placental tear which was...spectacular and involved a fast ER trip. My husband took my older child to the art gallery down the street while I found out if the baby was still viable and whether I was ok. It was good news, yay. If it hadn’t been at least he was close. (We had backup not too far away.)
For planned things we had more babysitting help.
Nursing babe and mum was a unit (for us that was almost always the reverse scenario - baby in hospital, mum stayed.) When my youngest was 4 weeks old my dad had a massive aneurysm. I sat in the ICU with him with the baby at a few points...I had the stroller set up like a sanitizing station and with the rain cover. It was a crazy time, but we thought he was dying.
I doubt that’s possible now, but it worked for us.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:31 PM on May 7, 2021 [3 favorites]
My baby was 6 months old and I was nursing her when I was admitted to the ER for an acute health issue last April. We also had a 4.5 year old at home. We called my parents who broke quarantine to come be with the kids (it was very late at night) and my husband drove me to the ER, where due to COVID regulations he left me at the door and went back home.
He may have stayed for me to be admitted had it not been for COVID.
As soon as I was feeling better I wanted my pump / my baby for nursing. Husband sent the pump and some other necessities to the hospital for me (he or someone dropped them at the reception / front nurses desk and it was brought to my room).
It was very difficult to be apart from my kids (in a different way than being apart from them for work or something would be) but I knew they were fine at home with my husband. Even once I was admitted to the hospital, I think it would have only been practical to have them briefly visit. I was released three days later so it all worked out ok in the end.
The entire situation sucked but was manageable.
posted by kellygrape at 8:43 PM on May 7, 2021 [3 favorites]
He may have stayed for me to be admitted had it not been for COVID.
As soon as I was feeling better I wanted my pump / my baby for nursing. Husband sent the pump and some other necessities to the hospital for me (he or someone dropped them at the reception / front nurses desk and it was brought to my room).
It was very difficult to be apart from my kids (in a different way than being apart from them for work or something would be) but I knew they were fine at home with my husband. Even once I was admitted to the hospital, I think it would have only been practical to have them briefly visit. I was released three days later so it all worked out ok in the end.
The entire situation sucked but was manageable.
posted by kellygrape at 8:43 PM on May 7, 2021 [3 favorites]
I had to go to the ER when my son was 7 months old. I was pretty sure it was my gall bladder (and it was). My husband was working second shift, so I had to wait for him to come home, we put the baby in the car, he drove me to the ER, and then took the baby home. This was pre-COVID so I guess they could have stayed with me but I didn't want to have to manage a baby in the ER and it was flu season. They released me at about 6am, I texted my husband, they came and picked me up. So I was alone in the waiting room and exam rooms. I was in pain and a little scared but it was okay. Not fun, but okay. Always, always always bring your phone charger to the ER. If you remember nothing else, bring your phone charger.
posted by Aquifer at 9:27 PM on May 7, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by Aquifer at 9:27 PM on May 7, 2021 [2 favorites]
Social worker in an ER speaking from tons of experience on this issue:
Visitation restrictions right now are still really strict here and in general even in normal times there is frowning on kids hanging out in hospitals, but parents do bring other parent/guardian with kid in emergencies to emergency rooms and there are plenty of single mothers who sometimes don't have a choice. On the inpatient side it can be a little different going to visit a sick parent. Sometimes you can get exceptions for permission to break visitation rules by going through management. It depends on what unit and condition, and a bunch of factors, but there are ways.
Here there may be some confusion about what to do in the ER especially with a single parent/guardian (like who watches the child go if patent/guardian needs a CT?) but if we need to make it work, we will make it work.
If a parent / guardian (or both!) Need admission and cannot find child care, most major metropolitan areas have some sort of emergency care program that's NOT foster care that kids can go to for a few days (or longer the programs actually can do for up to months at a time) or until other supportive people or family can make it (with parent/guardian consent of course). Any time I've referred to these programs the parent/guardians have been pretty happy with them, there's lots of communication and video chatting, and it's done what it needs to do. If for some reason parent(s) /guardians can't consent , or caregivers are too far away to be able to assist then foster care would be utilized until the above could get sorted.
I've seen cases were both mom and kid have been sick and both got admitted. In general for things like car accidents (where child may have been present) they'll hold both parent and kid until it's decided about admission (so of both are to be discharged but a few hours a part, they'll just keep both as patients until parent/guardian is ready to go.
It can be anxiety producing but is a fairly rare scenario. There will be assistance to help a parent/guardian reach out to resources and explain what is happening and why . It's not fun and it absolutely feels like worst case especially for parent/guardians of very young children but it is handlable.
Our policy here is that a parent won't be transferred to the inpatient floor until the child care situation is sorted, but I'm not sure what happens at other hospitals.
Some suggestions and common hurdles in these situations: identify someone in your city that your children can go to for a night or two, and memorize their phone number and address! Phones often don't make it with the person in emergency situations. Also That person knowing that they are the preferred child care in emergencies helps.
Don't stress to much about this. There are people who work at hospitals for these exact senarios and will walk you through if need be.
posted by AlexiaSky at 10:30 PM on May 7, 2021 [10 favorites]
Visitation restrictions right now are still really strict here and in general even in normal times there is frowning on kids hanging out in hospitals, but parents do bring other parent/guardian with kid in emergencies to emergency rooms and there are plenty of single mothers who sometimes don't have a choice. On the inpatient side it can be a little different going to visit a sick parent. Sometimes you can get exceptions for permission to break visitation rules by going through management. It depends on what unit and condition, and a bunch of factors, but there are ways.
Here there may be some confusion about what to do in the ER especially with a single parent/guardian (like who watches the child go if patent/guardian needs a CT?) but if we need to make it work, we will make it work.
If a parent / guardian (or both!) Need admission and cannot find child care, most major metropolitan areas have some sort of emergency care program that's NOT foster care that kids can go to for a few days (or longer the programs actually can do for up to months at a time) or until other supportive people or family can make it (with parent/guardian consent of course). Any time I've referred to these programs the parent/guardians have been pretty happy with them, there's lots of communication and video chatting, and it's done what it needs to do. If for some reason parent(s) /guardians can't consent , or caregivers are too far away to be able to assist then foster care would be utilized until the above could get sorted.
I've seen cases were both mom and kid have been sick and both got admitted. In general for things like car accidents (where child may have been present) they'll hold both parent and kid until it's decided about admission (so of both are to be discharged but a few hours a part, they'll just keep both as patients until parent/guardian is ready to go.
It can be anxiety producing but is a fairly rare scenario. There will be assistance to help a parent/guardian reach out to resources and explain what is happening and why . It's not fun and it absolutely feels like worst case especially for parent/guardians of very young children but it is handlable.
Our policy here is that a parent won't be transferred to the inpatient floor until the child care situation is sorted, but I'm not sure what happens at other hospitals.
Some suggestions and common hurdles in these situations: identify someone in your city that your children can go to for a night or two, and memorize their phone number and address! Phones often don't make it with the person in emergency situations. Also That person knowing that they are the preferred child care in emergencies helps.
Don't stress to much about this. There are people who work at hospitals for these exact senarios and will walk you through if need be.
posted by AlexiaSky at 10:30 PM on May 7, 2021 [10 favorites]
Oh, I forgot. In the US FMLA does apply for job protection of the spouse (if applicable) in health emergencies and a social worker can help walk through spouse on how to apply.
The program I mentioned earlier also does some supportive services, like temporary child care, so if a parent just needed some extra support to work, or be at the hospital for a procedure, etcetera they can sometimes provide services to that too.
posted by AlexiaSky at 10:36 PM on May 7, 2021 [2 favorites]
The program I mentioned earlier also does some supportive services, like temporary child care, so if a parent just needed some extra support to work, or be at the hospital for a procedure, etcetera they can sometimes provide services to that too.
posted by AlexiaSky at 10:36 PM on May 7, 2021 [2 favorites]
One specific option that AlexiaSky is talking about (I think) in St. Louis is the crisis nursery (link). One scenario I remember is a mom dropping her child off so that she could go to the hospital and have her second child. Older child was safe, fed, cared for, and loved on until Mom could come back with baby sister!
posted by Ms Vegetable at 4:34 AM on May 8, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by Ms Vegetable at 4:34 AM on May 8, 2021 [1 favorite]
My husband had to take an ambulance to the ER when our child was 7 weeks, and the pandemic was at its first peak (very bad in our area). I stayed home and cared for the baby. We got a friend to pick him up and drive him home after. He was conscious and able to make decisions throughout, but in a lot of pain - I was really upset he was alone out there but it was the right call under the circumstances.
+1 for bringing the phone charger to the ER, if you ever find yourself calling an ambulance and have a few moments to spare.
posted by february at 5:01 AM on May 8, 2021 [1 favorite]
+1 for bringing the phone charger to the ER, if you ever find yourself calling an ambulance and have a few moments to spare.
posted by february at 5:01 AM on May 8, 2021 [1 favorite]
Protip: ask your social worker for help with cellphone charging and in all likelyhood we have one to borrow, bc of this exact senario.
posted by AlexiaSky at 5:32 AM on May 8, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by AlexiaSky at 5:32 AM on May 8, 2021 [4 favorites]
I was in the hospital for a couple of days when my daughter was 9 months old, and we did a combo of things. The baby was at daycare when I first went in; a friend came and watched her for a couple of hours, and my wife was home with her overnight. She brought the baby for shorter visits. If we hadn't had friends or family available, probably my wife would have stayed home with the baby and I would have just been at the hospital on my own except for brief visits - we didn't have relationships with babysitters or neighbors at that point, and my condition wasn't dire.
I was breastfeeding and had gone to urgent care expecting to get antibiotics and be home in an hour, so my wife had to bring me a pump as well as overnight stuff (the hospital didn't have a pump available.)
posted by songs about trains at 7:25 AM on May 8, 2021 [1 favorite]
I was breastfeeding and had gone to urgent care expecting to get antibiotics and be home in an hour, so my wife had to bring me a pump as well as overnight stuff (the hospital didn't have a pump available.)
posted by songs about trains at 7:25 AM on May 8, 2021 [1 favorite]
I had terrible 3am pain. Coin flip for kidney stone, appendicitis, or comet hit me in the ribs while I was sleeping... We called an ambulance and my wife stayed home with the kids (4 and 3 if I recall). I took my phone and was ok enough to periodically update her.
posted by chasles at 7:35 AM on May 8, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by chasles at 7:35 AM on May 8, 2021 [3 favorites]
In this situation I called my neighbor and asked her to stay with my babies (they were asleep) while I went with the person in need. We’re not intimate with our neighbors but know them well enough to ask for this kind of favor in an emergency, and I hope they would feel the same way.
posted by bq at 9:41 AM on May 8, 2021
posted by bq at 9:41 AM on May 8, 2021
Our plan for surprise hospital admissions depends on the situation. If it was an dire emergency, we have local friends we can call and ask to with our toddler until my parents or inlaws could get here (both 3 hours away) to have some support. If both of us were incapacitated (ie covid, etc), the same plan would happen but a bit faster to have someone come to get our LO. I had to go to emerge last year during the pandemic on an urgent but not emergency thing. My spouse stayed at home with my toddler who was sleeping and a friend who lives in our basement dropped me off and picked me up to avoid dragging my toddler out of bed.
posted by snowysoul at 10:48 AM on May 8, 2021
posted by snowysoul at 10:48 AM on May 8, 2021
Our son is older now (8) but my husband has had upwards of 20 ER visits since kid was about 2. I don't think I have been with him for any of them - the most recent two visits were in pandemic times, so I wouldn't have been allowed anyway, but prior to that it just made more sense for me to stay with the kid. He kept me informed by SMS each time.
posted by altolinguistic at 12:36 PM on May 8, 2021
posted by altolinguistic at 12:36 PM on May 8, 2021
I had a few hospital trips post-baby.
Very wee newborn was the Gallbladder Times. ER trips my partner drove me and had baby with him. When I was admitted we organised for my brother to come stay with us so he did all the heavy lifting while I nursed during the day and my partner worked, then baby went with them overnight and was bottle-fed by my partner.
The ER and ambulance trip was when the pain was so excruciating I couldn't think properly, and insisted my partner come home to take care of the baby that my brother was holding and taking care of. I was fine being on my own in hospital.
Since then kiddo has come with me in an emergency and her dad has come to collect her when he is able to. She is older now and was actually super helpful when I hurt my hand last year.
We do run through emergency protocols with her: when to call the ambulance, when to call the other parent, and so on.
posted by geek anachronism at 3:22 PM on May 8, 2021
Very wee newborn was the Gallbladder Times. ER trips my partner drove me and had baby with him. When I was admitted we organised for my brother to come stay with us so he did all the heavy lifting while I nursed during the day and my partner worked, then baby went with them overnight and was bottle-fed by my partner.
The ER and ambulance trip was when the pain was so excruciating I couldn't think properly, and insisted my partner come home to take care of the baby that my brother was holding and taking care of. I was fine being on my own in hospital.
Since then kiddo has come with me in an emergency and her dad has come to collect her when he is able to. She is older now and was actually super helpful when I hurt my hand last year.
We do run through emergency protocols with her: when to call the ambulance, when to call the other parent, and so on.
posted by geek anachronism at 3:22 PM on May 8, 2021
I had to wean (is that what it is called) my youngest daughter when my wife had to spend a few days in the hospital. She was 11 months old and ate food so it was time anyways. We visited everyday and my kids loved the food and juice my wife would get.
posted by The_Vegetables at 9:39 PM on May 8, 2021
posted by The_Vegetables at 9:39 PM on May 8, 2021
Pre covid, my husband has excruciating pain in the middle of the night. None of my neighbors/ friends answered their phones and so I brought all three! kids to the ER with us. The nurse did give me a raised eyebrow as the third one walked in, but the staff was great at taking care of my husband and the kids. Once friends started walking up and calling back I left to drop the kids off with them and returned to the hospital. I don't expect any er is going to let three kids in with their dad nowadays, so I would work harder to wake up a neighbor ( including banging on their door).
posted by sulaine at 3:33 PM on May 9, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by sulaine at 3:33 PM on May 9, 2021 [1 favorite]
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I should add that this was in the days before he would have been allowed to bring a baby or a toddler into Mom’s hospital room anyway, so this anecdote may or may not be of any use to you whatsoever. They didn’t have a lot of options to choose from; just wanted to let you know that even under those circumstances everything turned out OK.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 7:22 PM on May 7, 2021 [1 favorite]